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1
00:00:04,604 --> 00:00:08,375
Captioning made possible by
Turner entertainment group
2
00:00:08,441 --> 00:00:10,543
[drill]
3
00:00:17,717 --> 00:00:19,986
- it's alive!
4
00:00:37,670 --> 00:00:38,838
[cell phone ringing]
5
00:00:38,905 --> 00:00:39,873
- pac?
6
00:00:39,939 --> 00:00:41,741
- biggie!
7
00:00:41,808 --> 00:00:43,843
[gunshots]
8
00:00:43,910 --> 00:00:46,312
- good morning, betsy.
How's it coming?
9
00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:48,515
- huh? What do you think?
10
00:00:48,581 --> 00:00:51,651
- it's...A little gay.
11
00:00:52,018 --> 00:00:53,386
Hey again, betsy.
12
00:00:53,453 --> 00:00:56,689
What's the new idea for today?
13
00:00:56,756 --> 00:00:57,824
- [laughing]
14
00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:01,795
- you crazy, girl. You crazy.
15
00:01:01,861 --> 00:01:04,964
Ok, betsy. What can
You show me today?
16
00:01:05,031 --> 00:01:06,733
- well...
17
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,334
- ah, crap.
18
00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:11,170
And I guess it'll have to do.
19
00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:13,740
- [squeaking]
20
00:01:14,374 --> 00:01:15,408
- excuse me, miss.
21
00:01:15,475 --> 00:01:17,710
- whoa. Aren't you
That subway guy
22
00:01:17,777 --> 00:01:19,712
Who used to be a big, fat slob?
23
00:01:19,779 --> 00:01:20,847
What's the name...Jerry?
24
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:24,417
- jared. Hi. Uh,
Is there a restroom here?
25
00:01:24,484 --> 00:01:25,285
[snoring]
26
00:01:25,351 --> 00:01:27,287
Uh, I must've passed out
From the strain
27
00:01:27,353 --> 00:01:29,055
Of pushing that enormous log
Out of my butt.
28
00:01:29,122 --> 00:01:33,759
Did my dookie fumes
Clear out the whole bakery?
29
00:01:34,461 --> 00:01:37,130
I'm locked in!
I'll be here all weekend
30
00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:40,200
With nothing to eat but--but...
31
00:01:40,866 --> 00:01:44,103
So...Delicious.
32
00:01:44,170 --> 00:01:45,738
No! I must stay on my diet.
33
00:01:45,805 --> 00:01:48,541
I'm a corporate spokesman.
Hero to millions.
34
00:01:48,608 --> 00:01:51,277
I must--I must....
35
00:01:57,650 --> 00:02:00,553
[howling]
36
00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:07,360
[sighing]
37
00:02:07,426 --> 00:02:08,761
[fart]
38
00:02:08,828 --> 00:02:10,797
- my bakery! It's ruined!
39
00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:13,500
I only locked up 10 minutes ago!
40
00:02:13,566 --> 00:02:14,767
I'm calling the police.
41
00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:15,535
- wait a minute.
42
00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:16,803
You don't have to
Call the police.
43
00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,605
We can work this out like--
44
00:02:18,671 --> 00:02:21,074
- ugh!
45
00:02:21,307 --> 00:02:23,409
- ...Missing since
Last tuesday...
46
00:02:23,476 --> 00:02:25,879
- one, two-who...
47
00:02:25,945 --> 00:02:28,014
[piano playing]
48
00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:30,016
- I want to see other people.
49
00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:30,850
- rahh!
50
00:02:30,917 --> 00:02:35,755
- december 24, 4:30 pm,
Christmas eve.
51
00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:38,358
A time for joyous celebration.
52
00:02:38,424 --> 00:02:42,896
A time for gift giving,
For peace and love.
53
00:02:42,962 --> 00:02:45,932
A time for murder.
54
00:02:56,576 --> 00:02:59,978
It was the christmas
That made everyone cry--
55
00:03:00,046 --> 00:03:01,548
Except for maybe the jews,
56
00:03:01,614 --> 00:03:03,583
But when the evidence
Pointed to murder,
57
00:03:03,650 --> 00:03:08,755
The question on everyone's mind
Became "Who killed christmas?"
58
00:03:08,821 --> 00:03:09,722
- bleech!
59
00:03:09,789 --> 00:03:12,458
- perhaps no one can
Shed light on this mystery
60
00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:14,027
More than martha claus,
61
00:03:14,093 --> 00:03:16,262
The victim's wife of 43 years.
62
00:03:16,329 --> 00:03:19,832
- we stayed together mostly
Due to licensing issues.
63
00:03:19,899 --> 00:03:22,201
I doubt he would've gotten
Any sponsorship deals
64
00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:25,772
If he were a divorced single man
Living with a bunch of elves.
65
00:03:25,838 --> 00:03:27,607
They'd think he was gay.
66
00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:28,741
- crushed by grief,
67
00:03:28,808 --> 00:03:32,111
The widow claus has kept
A low profile since the murder.
68
00:03:32,178 --> 00:03:35,548
But not all was warmth and love
At the north pole.
69
00:03:35,615 --> 00:03:38,317
Deep inside santa's
Fabled workshop,
70
00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:40,420
Discontent had begun to spread
71
00:03:40,486 --> 00:03:42,589
Among the androgynous
Elvin workforce.
72
00:03:42,655 --> 00:03:44,457
- it was all about
The coke, man.
73
00:03:44,524 --> 00:03:49,662
Santa had us elves hide the blow
In the crappy wooden toys.
74
00:03:50,363 --> 00:03:51,731
Then he'd make the drop...
75
00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:54,133
- give it to me! Toy!
Gimme, gimme toy!
76
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,437
Give it to me! Toy!
Gimme, gimme toy!
77
00:03:57,503 --> 00:03:59,739
- and the sale was complete.
78
00:03:59,805 --> 00:04:00,974
- ooh.
79
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,743
- he tried using some different
Ways to sneak the product in.
80
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:05,945
[popping noise]
81
00:04:06,012 --> 00:04:09,449
You ever see a yeti when
A dozen condoms of coke
82
00:04:09,515 --> 00:04:10,850
Burst in his belly?
83
00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:14,020
- [roaring]
84
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:16,055
- aah!
85
00:04:21,260 --> 00:04:24,030
- it's a bad scene, man.
86
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,732
- were the allegations true?
87
00:04:25,798 --> 00:04:28,835
Santa claus an international
Drug peddler?
88
00:04:28,901 --> 00:04:31,170
- drugs, that wasn't no secret.
89
00:04:31,237 --> 00:04:34,173
But I'll tell you what the fat
Man's real problem was--
90
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:35,174
When some of the shipments
91
00:04:35,241 --> 00:04:36,342
Started to turn up
A little light.
92
00:04:36,409 --> 00:04:39,212
Follow me? Somebody started
Having little private parties,
93
00:04:39,278 --> 00:04:41,047
You know what I'm saying?
I think you do.
94
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:46,352
As for who, well you ever wonder
How his nose got so red?
95
00:04:46,419 --> 00:04:48,321
- punishment was swift
96
00:04:48,388 --> 00:04:50,957
For anyone who dared
Cross the boss.
97
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:52,959
- happy birthday!
98
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:57,397
- for anyone caught being
Naughty at the north pole.
99
00:04:57,463 --> 00:05:00,633
- happy birthday--ooh!
100
00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:03,736
[crying]
101
00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:05,705
-who killed santa claus?
102
00:05:05,772 --> 00:05:10,476
A neglected housewife?
Columbian drug runners?
103
00:05:10,543 --> 00:05:12,612
Some retard snowman?
104
00:05:12,679 --> 00:05:15,314
We may never know
Who killed santa claus,
105
00:05:15,381 --> 00:05:17,884
But whoever did
Is still out there...
106
00:05:17,950 --> 00:05:19,752
Watching, waiting.
107
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:23,790
Who's next?
The eater bunny? Cupid?
108
00:05:23,856 --> 00:05:26,626
That lucky charm's cereal guy?
109
00:05:26,693 --> 00:05:28,127
Who's to say?
110
00:05:28,194 --> 00:05:29,328
But when it does happen,
111
00:05:29,395 --> 00:05:32,732
"Unsolved case files"
Will be there to make a buck.
112
00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:35,001
Next time on
"Unsolved case files,"
113
00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:38,271
The taco bell chihuahua's
Castration...
114
00:05:38,337 --> 00:05:40,907
Simple neutering or hate crime?
115
00:05:40,973 --> 00:05:43,609
- yo quiero my nuts!
116
00:05:44,377 --> 00:05:46,446
- come and get some!
117
00:05:47,113 --> 00:05:49,449
- [screaming]
118
00:05:51,050 --> 00:05:52,518
- what's wrong, herman?
119
00:05:52,585 --> 00:05:54,854
- ooh, I'm constipated, pickles.
120
00:05:54,921 --> 00:05:58,891
Do you have anything
That you can give me for that?
121
00:05:58,957 --> 00:05:59,926
- yeah.
122
00:05:59,992 --> 00:06:00,693
- ugh!
123
00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:02,161
- side effects may include
124
00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:05,498
I just kicked your [beep] Ass!
125
00:06:06,766 --> 00:06:10,069
-brandon, you are so grounded.
126
00:06:10,136 --> 00:06:12,405
- "Jaws" was a masterpiece
Of suspense and terror
127
00:06:12,472 --> 00:06:14,874
Because of how little
You saw the shark itself,
128
00:06:14,941 --> 00:06:16,509
But that's not the way
I wanted it.
129
00:06:16,576 --> 00:06:18,578
The damn mechanical shark
Didn't work.
130
00:06:18,644 --> 00:06:20,680
As a result,
I had to release a movie
131
00:06:20,747 --> 00:06:22,448
That was only a quarter done.
132
00:06:22,515 --> 00:06:24,217
Now, thanks
To computer graphics,
133
00:06:24,283 --> 00:06:27,320
I can bring
My true vision to life.
134
00:06:27,386 --> 00:06:29,122
- $10,000 for me by myself.
135
00:06:29,188 --> 00:06:32,959
For that you get the head,
The tail, the whole damn thing.
136
00:06:33,025 --> 00:06:35,862
- I say we let him go.
137
00:06:35,928 --> 00:06:38,197
- get out of the water!
138
00:06:38,264 --> 00:06:39,565
- "Jaws: the special edition,"
139
00:06:39,632 --> 00:06:41,534
Features over
100 altered scenes.
140
00:06:41,601 --> 00:06:43,436
- there he is, chief!
Throw it! Throw it!
141
00:06:43,503 --> 00:06:46,606
- you actually get a feel
For the shark's personality.
142
00:06:46,672 --> 00:06:50,476
- you missed me,
You dried up douchebags!
143
00:06:50,543 --> 00:06:51,409
- ow! My tibia!
144
00:06:51,477 --> 00:06:55,214
- ah, you bastard!
Ah, you bastard!
145
00:06:55,281 --> 00:06:59,152
- trust me, this is
A whole new set of "Jaws."
146
00:06:59,218 --> 00:07:03,723
- smile, you son of a bitch.
147
00:07:03,790 --> 00:07:06,092
[boom]
148
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,262
- everyone's playing
The brand-new game
149
00:07:09,328 --> 00:07:11,264
That's fur-ociously fun.
150
00:07:11,330 --> 00:07:12,565
- yeah!
- yeah!
151
00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:14,400
I'm having fun!
152
00:07:14,467 --> 00:07:17,136
Uh-oh. Euthanasia.
153
00:07:17,203 --> 00:07:18,070
- euthanasia!
154
00:07:18,137 --> 00:07:20,173
- ♪ euthanasia
Makes you kill your pets ♪
155
00:07:20,239 --> 00:07:24,443
- the circle of life
Has never been this exciting.
156
00:07:24,510 --> 00:07:27,647
- what am I gonna do
With all these kittens?
157
00:07:27,713 --> 00:07:28,815
- [meowing]
158
00:07:28,881 --> 00:07:29,849
- euthanasia!
159
00:07:29,916 --> 00:07:32,051
- ♪ laugh and learn
Because it's life or death ♪
160
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:35,188
- my pit bull ripped
A face off a toddler.
161
00:07:35,254 --> 00:07:36,656
- time to put him down.
162
00:07:36,722 --> 00:07:37,456
- I can retrain him.
163
00:07:37,523 --> 00:07:39,158
- no. Euthanasia!
- no. Euthanasia!
164
00:07:39,225 --> 00:07:42,128
[ragtime tune playing]
165
00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:46,132
- my father has been kidnapped
166
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:49,068
Because he refuses to pay
Protection money
167
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:51,170
To a bunch of thugs!
168
00:07:51,237 --> 00:07:52,104
- ugh.
169
00:07:52,171 --> 00:07:54,774
- sorry, lady, we're
Gonna pass on this one.
170
00:07:54,841 --> 00:07:56,676
- but--but...
171
00:07:56,742 --> 00:07:57,543
[crying]
172
00:07:57,610 --> 00:08:00,112
- all right. Who's our
Next appointment?
173
00:08:00,179 --> 00:08:02,081
- my father has been kidnapped
174
00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,483
Because he refuses to pay
Protection money
175
00:08:04,550 --> 00:08:05,852
To a bunch of thugs!
176
00:08:05,918 --> 00:08:09,422
- lady, you just hired
The a-team.
177
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:14,393
- I ain't flying, hannibal.
No way, no how.
178
00:08:14,460 --> 00:08:17,396
- that's sounds perfectly
Reasonable, b.A.
179
00:08:17,463 --> 00:08:21,000
Now calm down and have
Some nice milk.
180
00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:23,202
- glug! Glug!
181
00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:24,170
[burps]
182
00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:25,104
Mmm. Milk.
183
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:26,539
Good for the bones.
Good for the kids.
184
00:08:26,606 --> 00:08:29,508
I pity the fool
Who ain't go no
Calcium in his diet.
185
00:08:29,575 --> 00:08:32,445
- murdock, we drugged the milk!
186
00:08:32,510 --> 00:08:34,480
- you know,
Years of drugged milk
187
00:08:34,547 --> 00:08:36,448
Can have unfortunate
Side effects.
188
00:08:36,515 --> 00:08:38,084
- oh, yeah?
Like what, murdock?
189
00:08:38,150 --> 00:08:40,620
- severe lactose intolerance.
190
00:08:40,686 --> 00:08:42,520
- [farts]
I don't like cheese.
191
00:08:42,587 --> 00:08:43,222
[farts]
192
00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:45,391
- can you roll down the windows
193
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:46,993
In a helicopter?
194
00:08:47,059 --> 00:08:48,027
- [farts]
195
00:08:48,094 --> 00:08:51,097
- this is gonna be a long trip.
196
00:08:51,163 --> 00:08:52,098
- I want my rubber duckie.
197
00:08:52,164 --> 00:08:54,200
- ok, face,
Infiltrate the office
198
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:55,868
And steal their files.
199
00:08:55,935 --> 00:08:57,136
- easy as pie.
200
00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:59,238
Greetings. Is this
Where the thugs
201
00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:00,740
And/or criminals hang out,
202
00:09:00,806 --> 00:09:03,542
Because I, too,
Am a thug and/or criminal.
203
00:09:03,609 --> 00:09:06,812
- holy crap, it's face man
From the a-team!
204
00:09:06,879 --> 00:09:07,680
- get him!
205
00:09:07,747 --> 00:09:09,148
- hannibal, they're onto us!
206
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:11,751
[gunfire]
207
00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:19,392
- easy, boys. We surrender.
208
00:09:19,458 --> 00:09:20,860
- we're gonna come back
209
00:09:20,927 --> 00:09:22,862
- and deal with
You heroes later.
210
00:09:22,929 --> 00:09:25,464
- all right. Let's assess
The situation.
211
00:09:25,531 --> 00:09:26,732
- I found a lawnmower.
212
00:09:26,799 --> 00:09:28,234
- I found some thimbles.
213
00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:31,237
- I found jesus!
214
00:09:31,470 --> 00:09:33,639
- let's show these punks
What it means
215
00:09:33,706 --> 00:09:36,542
To mess with the a-team.
216
00:09:42,348 --> 00:09:44,550
- [kissing]
217
00:09:45,785 --> 00:09:46,652
- ok, gang.
218
00:09:46,719 --> 00:09:50,356
Let's get froggy
On these tadpoles.
219
00:10:00,032 --> 00:10:01,167
[boom]
220
00:10:01,233 --> 00:10:03,536
[gunfire]
221
00:10:13,012 --> 00:10:15,014
Now, are you gonna leave
That old man
222
00:10:15,081 --> 00:10:16,182
And his daughter alone?
223
00:10:16,248 --> 00:10:18,284
- yes! For god's sake, yes!
224
00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:20,319
- that's all I needed to hear.
225
00:10:20,386 --> 00:10:21,587
B.A., do the honors.
226
00:10:21,654 --> 00:10:23,990
- I'm gonna fly you out
On knuckle airlines.
227
00:10:24,056 --> 00:10:25,524
First class. Ugh!
228
00:10:25,591 --> 00:10:28,094
- my azaleas!
229
00:10:29,095 --> 00:10:31,163
- a-team, you did it.
230
00:10:31,230 --> 00:10:33,299
You saved
Our family business.
231
00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:34,367
- it was our pleasure.
232
00:10:34,433 --> 00:10:37,403
Oh, and by the way,
That'll be $50,000.
233
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:38,671
- $50,000?
234
00:10:38,738 --> 00:10:41,607
- our whole business
Is only worth 10,000!
235
00:10:41,674 --> 00:10:42,975
We're ruined! Ruined!
236
00:10:43,042 --> 00:10:45,344
- I love it when
A plan comes together.
237
00:10:45,411 --> 00:10:47,079
- you guys are great.
238
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:50,182
- [all talking at once]
239
00:10:52,084 --> 00:10:53,386
- [clucking]
240
00:10:53,452 --> 00:10:56,155
Captioning made possible by
Turner entertainment group
241
00:10:56,222 --> 00:11:00,793
Captioned by the national
Captioning institute
--www.Ncicap.Org--
242
00:11:08,868 --> 00:11:12,038
- [monkey sounds]
16617
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