Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:05,338 --> 00:00:08,308
[laughing]
2
00:00:08,375 --> 00:00:10,910
[whirring]
3
00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:17,517
Captioning made possible by
Turner entertainment group
4
00:00:17,584 --> 00:00:19,953
- it's alive!
5
00:00:37,670 --> 00:00:39,672
- my name is george w. Bush,
6
00:00:39,739 --> 00:00:41,141
And I approved this message.
7
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Tacos rule.
8
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- aagh!
9
00:00:46,913 --> 00:00:48,448
- this is your brain.
10
00:00:48,515 --> 00:00:50,383
And this is heroin.
11
00:00:50,450 --> 00:00:54,354
This is what happens
To your brain on heroin.
12
00:00:56,189 --> 00:00:58,725
And this is what your
Body goes through.
13
00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,460
But it's not over yet.
14
00:01:00,527 --> 00:01:02,762
This is what happens
To your grades...
15
00:01:02,829 --> 00:01:04,030
To your friends...
16
00:01:04,096 --> 00:01:04,798
And all your stuff!
17
00:01:04,864 --> 00:01:05,899
This is what happens
To the profits
18
00:01:05,965 --> 00:01:07,033
From your grandma's bake sale!
19
00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:09,102
This is what happens
To the world economy.
20
00:01:09,169 --> 00:01:11,604
And your boyfriend
Gives you herpes simplex a!
21
00:01:11,670 --> 00:01:14,841
And you end up getting
A stupid tattoo of a unicorn
22
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,376
On your left ass cheek
23
00:01:16,443 --> 00:01:18,945
That was supposed to
Be a bitchin' firebird,
24
00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:23,183
But you were too strung out
To notice at the time!
25
00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:26,119
[car alarm beeping]
26
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[whimpering]
27
00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:34,327
- we just want to help!
28
00:01:34,394 --> 00:01:37,063
- this is what happens
To family values!
29
00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:39,933
This is what happens
To the pollen count!
30
00:01:39,999 --> 00:01:41,668
Any questions?!
31
00:01:41,734 --> 00:01:44,471
Any questions?!
32
00:01:48,107 --> 00:01:49,175
- this is the spot!
33
00:01:49,241 --> 00:01:51,878
The decepticons are
Using the dam below
34
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:54,447
To stockpile energon cubes.
35
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- megatron must be stopped!
36
00:01:57,417 --> 00:02:00,753
Autobots, transform and rol--
37
00:02:00,820 --> 00:02:03,089
Oh! Hold on a second!
38
00:02:04,557 --> 00:02:07,126
[urinating]
39
00:02:11,264 --> 00:02:13,466
[toilet flushes]
40
00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:14,434
- are you ok?
41
00:02:14,501 --> 00:02:16,469
- let's get 'em!
42
00:02:23,009 --> 00:02:25,211
- I shot the hell
Out of that guy!
43
00:02:25,278 --> 00:02:26,012
[laughter]
44
00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:27,881
- good job, everyone!
45
00:02:27,947 --> 00:02:29,516
Megatron was defeated
46
00:02:29,582 --> 00:02:33,186
With only 50 humans killed
In the crossfire.
47
00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:34,521
A new record!
48
00:02:34,587 --> 00:02:37,323
- hurray!
- hurray!
49
00:02:38,925 --> 00:02:39,893
- hey, prowl,
50
00:02:39,959 --> 00:02:40,760
Have you noticed how often
51
00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:43,663
Prime needs to drain
The lizard nowadays?
52
00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:45,932
- yeah, he must be french,
53
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,400
Because he's a-peein'.
54
00:02:47,466 --> 00:02:48,301
Ha ha ha.
55
00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:49,936
- I think that joke goes:
56
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,271
"You're-a-peein'."
57
00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:52,472
- ha ha ha.
58
00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:54,541
But I'm not.
59
00:02:54,607 --> 00:02:55,341
- ugh.
60
00:02:55,408 --> 00:02:57,977
Such a retardicon.
61
00:02:58,043 --> 00:02:59,812
[urinating]
62
00:02:59,879 --> 00:03:00,613
- uh-oh.
63
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,582
I didn't think going
To the bathroom
64
00:03:02,649 --> 00:03:03,850
So often was a problem,
65
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:07,420
But just today, I saw
Blood in my urine.
66
00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:08,353
- ew!
67
00:03:08,421 --> 00:03:10,790
Well, I'd better have a look.
68
00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:14,193
- ow! Oh!
69
00:03:14,260 --> 00:03:15,495
Oh!
70
00:03:15,562 --> 00:03:17,630
Using the whole fist, doc?
71
00:03:17,697 --> 00:03:18,998
- it's what I feared:
72
00:03:19,065 --> 00:03:20,500
Prostate cancer--
73
00:03:20,567 --> 00:03:21,401
And it's advanced.
74
00:03:21,466 --> 00:03:24,704
I'm sorry, prime,
But you're going to die.
75
00:03:33,279 --> 00:03:35,815
[sobbing]
76
00:03:45,024 --> 00:03:47,560
[sobbing]
77
00:03:49,996 --> 00:03:52,498
[all crying]
78
00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:55,335
[ekg machine flatlines]
79
00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:58,438
- hi. I'm optimus prime.
80
00:03:58,504 --> 00:04:01,107
What you've just seen
Is a dramatization
81
00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:04,243
Of what you, your friends,
And your family go through
82
00:04:04,310 --> 00:04:07,814
If you don't get regular
Prostate exams.
83
00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:13,219
Now, we transformers don't
Have organic internal organs
84
00:04:13,286 --> 00:04:15,154
And can't get cancer.
85
00:04:15,221 --> 00:04:16,789
But you do...
86
00:04:16,856 --> 00:04:18,358
And you can.
87
00:04:18,423 --> 00:04:21,861
- so, get your ass checked out
Before it's too late, turkeys!
88
00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:22,695
- this has been a message from
89
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,130
The cybertronian
Medical association.
90
00:04:24,197 --> 00:04:27,300
- reality tv has never
Been this honest,
91
00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:29,369
This brutal!
92
00:04:30,036 --> 00:04:31,170
Coming soon...
93
00:04:31,237 --> 00:04:34,807
It's "The world's most one-sided
Fistfights caught on film!"
94
00:04:34,874 --> 00:04:40,179
Television too brutal to watch,
Yet you can't turn away.
95
00:04:40,747 --> 00:04:43,282
[grunting]
96
00:04:45,752 --> 00:04:48,321
[baby cries]
97
00:04:53,893 --> 00:04:55,028
Thursdays at 8 p.M.,
98
00:04:55,094 --> 00:04:59,599
It's "The world's most one-sided
Fistfights caught on film!"
99
00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:02,268
- all right, guys, I'll see
You back in the yard.
100
00:05:02,335 --> 00:05:04,103
Hey, what the--oh! Aagh!
101
00:05:04,170 --> 00:05:06,939
[screaming]
102
00:05:07,006 --> 00:05:08,574
Call a guard.
103
00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:10,510
- it uh...It burns when I pee.
104
00:05:10,576 --> 00:05:12,412
- what did I just tell you?!
105
00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:15,281
- this new tax
Appropriations bill
106
00:05:15,348 --> 00:05:16,449
Will result in a--
107
00:05:16,516 --> 00:05:18,451
- my name is tiffany montgomery
From clifton, new jersey,
108
00:05:18,518 --> 00:05:20,853
And I think
Senator davidson rocks!
109
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:21,888
Whoo!
110
00:05:21,954 --> 00:05:23,022
- ...Wide-standing
Ramifications...
111
00:05:23,089 --> 00:05:24,991
- my name is melanie fratello
From danbury, connecticut,
112
00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:27,660
And I think legislation to cut
Infrastructure funds 4%
113
00:05:27,727 --> 00:05:29,562
In the upcoming fiscal
Year rules!
114
00:05:29,629 --> 00:05:30,496
Whoo!
115
00:05:30,563 --> 00:05:32,465
Danbury high fighting
Tigers forever! Whoo!
116
00:05:32,532 --> 00:05:33,900
- yo, coming straight at you,
117
00:05:33,966 --> 00:05:35,101
We got an executive session
118
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:39,605
To consider the nomination of 3
U.S. District judges, y'all!
119
00:05:39,672 --> 00:05:40,373
Then later on,
120
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,008
The procedure oversight
Committee
121
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:43,209
Is holding a public hearing
122
00:05:43,276 --> 00:05:45,378
That'll be all up
In your grille.
123
00:05:45,445 --> 00:05:48,114
But first, here's the results
Of our internet poll
124
00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:51,117
Where you get to decide
The next speaker.
125
00:05:51,183 --> 00:05:52,418
And the winner is...
126
00:05:52,485 --> 00:05:56,789
Oh, byron l. Dorgan! Oh, yeah!
127
00:05:56,856 --> 00:05:57,590
- thank you.
128
00:05:57,657 --> 00:05:59,625
As the representative...
129
00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:01,094
- I'm so hungry.
130
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:05,131
- hi, mr. Hungry.
Can I call you so?
131
00:06:06,265 --> 00:06:08,801
[applause]
132
00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:13,072
- is everyone ready for more
Of those hilarious bloopers?!
133
00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:15,241
You know, being a tv reporter
134
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:17,510
Isn't all fires
And double homicides.
135
00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:19,378
When you can't get
Your lines right,
136
00:06:19,445 --> 00:06:22,582
Sometimes the biggest
Story is you!
137
00:06:22,648 --> 00:06:24,851
- there's nothing like
Some tasty bamboo,
138
00:06:24,917 --> 00:06:26,419
Especially when
You're ling-ling,
139
00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:29,822
Who's traveled all the way
From china to visit um...
140
00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:31,124
Uh...
141
00:06:31,190 --> 00:06:32,024
Uh, I'm sorry.
142
00:06:32,091 --> 00:06:33,993
I just don't feel safe
Next to this animal.
143
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,928
- it's completely harmless,
Jerry.
144
00:06:35,995 --> 00:06:36,863
- are--are you sure?
145
00:06:36,929 --> 00:06:39,332
It's...It's just--
All right, all right.
146
00:06:39,398 --> 00:06:40,266
- still rolling.
147
00:06:40,332 --> 00:06:42,335
- there's nothing like
A nice piece of bamboo
148
00:06:42,401 --> 00:06:44,470
Uh, when...Crap!
149
00:06:44,537 --> 00:06:45,838
- stop being such a wuss!
150
00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:47,573
- I--I--I just...
151
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,242
It--fine! Fine!
152
00:06:49,308 --> 00:06:50,276
- rolling.
153
00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:52,512
- there's uh, nothing like
A nice piece of bamboo,
154
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:53,746
Especially when--
155
00:06:53,813 --> 00:06:55,281
[laughter]
156
00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:56,048
[burp]
157
00:06:56,115 --> 00:06:57,750
- you just can't trust
The chinese.
158
00:06:57,817 --> 00:07:00,953
There certainly weren't any
Chinese in hazzard county,
159
00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:04,824
But bo and luke had
Problems of their own!
160
00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:05,958
- marker!
161
00:07:06,025 --> 00:07:08,194
- whoo!
162
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:09,729
- ow!
163
00:07:09,796 --> 00:07:10,863
[laughter]
164
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,932
Ow! Ow!
165
00:07:13,833 --> 00:07:16,102
- ya-whoo!
166
00:07:16,169 --> 00:07:17,203
- ow!
167
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,004
My knee!
168
00:07:18,070 --> 00:07:19,338
Son of a bitch! Ow!
169
00:07:19,405 --> 00:07:22,308
Ow! Ow!
170
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,979
- ya-whoo!
171
00:07:27,046 --> 00:07:28,147
Wait! Wait, john!
172
00:07:28,214 --> 00:07:28,948
I'm stuck.
173
00:07:29,015 --> 00:07:31,284
I'm stuck! I'm stuck!
174
00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:32,819
- when david duchovny announced
175
00:07:32,885 --> 00:07:33,953
He was leaving "The x-files,"
176
00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:36,856
Producers had to scramble
To find a new male lead.
177
00:07:36,923 --> 00:07:40,459
Check out these
Never-before-seen screen tests.
178
00:07:40,526 --> 00:07:42,261
- keanu reeves screen test,
Take one.
179
00:07:42,328 --> 00:07:43,863
- so, you're telling me
We're dealing with
180
00:07:43,930 --> 00:07:46,566
A sort of missing link in
The evolutionary chain?
181
00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:47,500
- that's right, scully.
182
00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:49,034
The scientific name for
This beast would be
183
00:07:49,101 --> 00:07:52,972
Rondonondus marsipius,
From the genus emplyaeclaes.
184
00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:53,906
Ha ha ha!
185
00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:56,008
- mr. T. Screen test, take one.
186
00:07:56,075 --> 00:07:58,578
- so, you're telling me
We're dealing with
187
00:07:58,644 --> 00:07:59,545
A sort of missing link--
188
00:07:59,612 --> 00:08:00,513
- you damn right, scully!
189
00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:02,648
Missing link between
The bugs and the humans,
190
00:08:02,715 --> 00:08:04,116
Talkin' 'bout bad for the kids!
191
00:08:04,183 --> 00:08:06,686
Don't play me for
No jibba-jabba, fool!
192
00:08:06,752 --> 00:08:07,353
[sighs]
193
00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:09,655
- corky screen test, take 27.
194
00:08:09,722 --> 00:08:11,557
- so, you're telling me
We're dealing with
195
00:08:11,624 --> 00:08:15,661
A sort of missing link in
The evolutionary chain?
196
00:08:18,865 --> 00:08:20,733
- I just made a doody...
197
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:21,934
In my pants.
198
00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:22,768
[laughter]
199
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:24,637
- you know, superman
Had a movie serial
200
00:08:24,704 --> 00:08:26,672
As far back as 1948.
201
00:08:26,739 --> 00:08:27,573
But the actor playing him
202
00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:30,409
Had his share of super problems!
203
00:08:30,476 --> 00:08:32,812
- help! Help me, superman!
204
00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:33,645
Help!
205
00:08:33,712 --> 00:08:37,082
- this looks like
A job for superman.
206
00:08:37,149 --> 00:08:39,085
[burps]
207
00:08:39,150 --> 00:08:40,886
- should we keep going?
208
00:08:40,953 --> 00:08:41,988
Yeah? Ok.
209
00:08:42,054 --> 00:08:43,222
Uh, uh, uh.
210
00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:46,259
Even superman can't outrun uh...
211
00:08:46,325 --> 00:08:47,226
A bullet!
212
00:08:47,293 --> 00:08:48,327
Oh, my face!
213
00:08:48,394 --> 00:08:49,695
You hit me in the eye!
214
00:08:49,762 --> 00:08:51,163
Why would you do that?
- hurray!
215
00:08:51,230 --> 00:08:52,565
You're saved!
216
00:08:52,632 --> 00:08:56,102
Up, up, and away!
217
00:08:56,936 --> 00:09:00,239
- his lawyers called it
"Heat exhaustion."
218
00:09:00,306 --> 00:09:01,707
[laughter]
219
00:09:01,774 --> 00:09:02,975
Remember "Diff'rent strokes"?
220
00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:06,312
We got our hands on some footage
From that classic sitcom
221
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,481
That's never been seen before!
222
00:09:08,547 --> 00:09:10,416
- someone's been a bad, bad boy!
223
00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:11,684
- ow! Ow!
224
00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:12,952
- bad, bad boy!
225
00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:13,886
- ow! Ow!
226
00:09:13,953 --> 00:09:16,522
- conrad, gary, you're on.
Places, everyone.
227
00:09:16,589 --> 00:09:18,724
- and, action.
228
00:09:18,791 --> 00:09:19,759
- who wants ice cream?
229
00:09:19,825 --> 00:09:21,560
- we do, we do!
- we do, we do!
- we do, we do!
230
00:09:21,627 --> 00:09:22,461
- here's a rare blooper
231
00:09:22,528 --> 00:09:25,932
From that smash hit
Cartoon "Pokemon."
232
00:09:25,998 --> 00:09:26,966
- pikachu.
233
00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:28,501
Pika, pika!
234
00:09:28,567 --> 00:09:29,735
Pika, pee!
235
00:09:29,802 --> 00:09:31,203
- squirtle! Squirtle!
236
00:09:31,270 --> 00:09:32,238
Squirtle! Squirtle!
237
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:34,240
- pika, pika, pikachu!
238
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:35,841
Pika, pika!
239
00:09:35,908 --> 00:09:36,842
- squirtle! Squirtle!
240
00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:39,378
Squart--what the [bleep]
Am I saying?!
241
00:09:39,445 --> 00:09:40,146
No, I mean it!
242
00:09:40,212 --> 00:09:41,714
This [bleep] Makes
No sense at all!
243
00:09:41,781 --> 00:09:44,483
- say the line, earl,
Or you get the gas.
244
00:09:44,550 --> 00:09:45,785
- for the love of ... Kids,
245
00:09:45,851 --> 00:09:47,353
Go read a book or something!
246
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,722
- next up is something
I like to call
247
00:09:49,789 --> 00:09:55,328
"Bloopers in space!"
248
00:09:57,730 --> 00:09:59,865
- agh!
249
00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:01,600
Agh!
250
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:02,568
Agh!
251
00:10:02,635 --> 00:10:04,136
- oh, ho ho ho!
252
00:10:04,203 --> 00:10:06,639
Ah ha ha ha!
253
00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:08,607
- we're in big trouble,
Starbuck.
254
00:10:08,674 --> 00:10:10,743
- stop right there, humans!
255
00:10:10,810 --> 00:10:13,012
- the actors playing
Those nasty cylons
256
00:10:13,079 --> 00:10:16,482
On "Battlestar galactica"
Has all sorts of problems
257
00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:18,985
Maneuvering in their
Bulky costumes.
258
00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:21,153
Just watch!
259
00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:42,775
- marker!
260
00:10:42,842 --> 00:10:45,211
- I will command...
261
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:01,694
[laughter]
262
00:11:01,761 --> 00:11:02,928
- that's all the time
We have today,
263
00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:07,500
But come back next week
For more outrageous bloopers!
264
00:11:07,566 --> 00:11:08,701
[applause]
265
00:11:08,768 --> 00:11:11,470
Captioning made possible by
Turner entertainment group
266
00:11:11,537 --> 00:11:15,341
Captioned by the national
Captioning institute
--www.Ncicap.Org--
267
00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:19,178
[chickens clucking]
17616
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