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(triumphant music)
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- [Narrator] In 1632, Andy Dufresne left Shawshank Prison
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wearing nothing but- - No, no, no, Morgan.
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This is an indie job, my friend.
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(triumphant music)
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In 1632 pilgrims brought the first cannabis seeds
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to the United States.
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(audience laughs)
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- Marijuana is not a drug.
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It is a plant that is growing in my closet.
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(audience laughs)
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- You can't get rid of it.
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You know why you can't get rid of it?
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It's a weed.
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(audience laughs)
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- And weed should never be expensive.
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To me, weed should be like a lawyer.
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You know, if you cannot afford some...
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(audience laughs)
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Some is appointed to you.
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(audience laughs)
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- [Interviewer] So to begin with,
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have you ever smoked marijuana?
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- (scoffs)
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- Yes! - Yeah.
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(smokers laughing)
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- I'll smoke to that.
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(school bell ringing)
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- I teach high school, everybody, I'm a high school teacher.
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My students can always tell when I'm high
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because it becomes movie day really quickly.
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(audience laughs)
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- I totally stand against this friendly, happy, feel-good,
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pro-marijuana culture that's out there.
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- We're getting fed up with these Washington Nazis.
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- Everybody's so different,
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'cause some people really like it, and some people don't.
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- Let's try to minimize something that I'm sorry to say,
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is deadly serious.
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- Do I find marijuana to be an aphrodisiac?
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Hell yeah.
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- (laughs) - Oh, yes!
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- [Woman] That's how I roll.
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- Pot makes me horny.
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- Not for me, no.
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- Really? - Yeah.
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- They try to tell you that marijuana is not a gateway.
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It's a huge gateway!
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- Gateway drug.
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- Your gateway theory.
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- It's possible to just be a pot smoker.
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It's not necessarily a gateway drug.
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Sometimes, the gate is locked,
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and I stay happily within my perimeter.
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(audience laughs)
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- Persistent marijuana use
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leads to the same kind of chronic lung issues.
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I'm talking about persistent cough.
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(smokers coughing)
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(old-timey car horn blares)
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- I love my marijuana
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the same way I love my wife's pussy,
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with purple hairs on it.
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(audience laughs)
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A little stinky, I'm a bit freaky like that.
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- It causes huge lapses in judgment.
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- You fucking idiot!
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- You are, like, so high.
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- These bitches be high on the hookah!
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- Hookah pipe.
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(gavel banging)
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- Never use your stoner buddy for a reference.
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When the guy called, he's like,
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"Yeah, Dan's all motivated and shit.
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(audience laughs)
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(inhales deeply)
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He don't even smoke that much weed."
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- Early adolescence is an especially dangerous
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and vulnerable time.
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- My daddy said he tried it once.
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- We were just messing around.
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- I can see that.
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Johnny, go home.
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(jail door slamming shut)
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- I'm a multitasking pot smoker.
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It's true.
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Just the other day, I was walking down the street,
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I was putting eye drops in my eyes,
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I was talking on my cell phone,
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and I was getting hit by a car.
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(audience laughs)
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All at the same time.
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- You wouldn't let your kid go out
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and eat a bunch of deadly nightshade or hemlock.
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- I knew in sixth grade, like, I was like,
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"I'll probably smoke pot."
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- Marijuana.
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- Well, it's not for kids.
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- Pot.
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- I didn't like it at all.
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It was in a garage with a bunch of kids.
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(jazzy music)
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- Jazz musicians and fat girls in Camaros
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always have the best pot.
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(audience laughs)
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- And yet you conveniently let him smoke marijuana.
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- Our daughter is using mind-altering substances!
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- You never experimented as a kid?
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- You can decide to break the law
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and eat four pot brownies too.
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- [Politician] Now you can sit here and try to tell me
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that marijuana is a friendly, fun, silly, little drug,
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and I will argue that you are dead wrong.
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(businessmen laughing)
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- Mary-ji-ji-wayne, huh?
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- So why don't we start thinking of the marijuana leaf
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the way we think of other leaves like the poison ivy leaf
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or hemlock or deadly nightshade?
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Because those are all leaves.
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The first one will make you itchy for weeks,
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and the second and third one will kill you.
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(gun bangs)
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(bong water bubbling)
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- Somebody hands me a marijuana cigarette,
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so I take this hit off the cigarette,
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this story officially begins right here, okay?
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(audience laughs)
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Are you all with me, all right?
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- All right, so this is a song we want to do
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before we get into it, and it's about,
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it's a song about every day,
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what happens every day in our lives.
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(folk music)
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♪ When I wake up ♪
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♪ I'm lying in bed ♪
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♪ I twist up a fat one to fuck up my head ♪
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♪ And get baked ♪
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(audience laughs)
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♪ Totally baked ♪
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♪ Sometimes it's brown ♪
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♪ Sometimes it's green ♪
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♪ Sometimes it's gold with red hairs in between ♪
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♪ And I'm baked ♪
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♪ Totally baked ♪
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♪ I just made an omelet of cheese and vaseline ♪
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♪ Put in some salt and a dash of mean green ♪
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♪ Now I'm baked ♪
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♪ Totally baked ♪
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(audience laughs)
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♪ I got me a bong ♪
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♪ I take where I go ♪
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♪ It's a big ol' 10 footer that I carved with my toe ♪
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♪ And get baked ♪
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♪ Totally baked ♪
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♪ Toss me the pipe ♪
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♪ Toss me a match ♪
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♪ Hell, hand me the bong with the chin strap attached ♪
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♪ I'll get baked ♪
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(audience laughs)
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♪ Totally baked ♪
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♪ Throw out the seed ♪
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♪ Throw out the stem ♪
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♪ I make a phone call I forget who's calling them ♪
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♪ 'Cause I'm baked ♪
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(audience laughs)
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♪ Totally baked ♪
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♪ So you know I smoke pot ♪
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♪ It's all over town ♪
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♪ Even my dealer thinks I should slow down ♪
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♪ I'm too baked ♪
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♪ Totally baked, ♪
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♪ I'm always baked ♪
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♪ I'm not a fake ♪
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♪ He's fucking baked ♪
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♪ Let's go eat a cake ♪
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♪ I forgot the words ♪
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♪ That's 'cause he's baked ♪
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♪ I'm totally baked ♪
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♪ I'm totally baked ♪
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♪ He's totally baked ♪
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(audience cheers and applauds) Thank you, everybody!
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Thank you all, I like this.
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Thank you!
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Oh, boy.
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- [Narrator] "Some of my finest hours
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have been spent on my back veranda,
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smoking hemp and observing as far as my eye can see."
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Thomas Jefferson, 1781.
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(tranquil music)
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(birds chirping)
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- Meet Dave Bertman, a 37-year-old divorced father of one,
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a certified CPA, was captain of his college debate team,
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and is a reluctant masturbator.
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At the present moment, he's dreaming about salmon.
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(Dave moaning)
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(tribal music)
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- Say it.
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- Sinner. - Say it.
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- Repent. - Repent!
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- Say it! - Say it!
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- Say it! - Sinner.
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- But in approximately eight seconds,
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Dave will become extremely flatulent,
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at which point, he will awaken from his dream
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into a nightmare from which he cannot escape.
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(Dave farts)
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A nightmare, which ends in a deadly collision
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with his own- (Dave farts)
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Hypocrisy.
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(suspenseful music)
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(calm music)
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In a few short hours, Dave will be confronted with a choice,
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a choice his very life depends on.
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A choice, which could result in the total annihilation
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of all mankind.
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Okay, that's not entirely true.
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I have a tendency to exaggerate for dramatic effect
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when I'm doing this.
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It's an issue I'm well aware of, and I'm working on it.
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Plus, I'm slightly baked, so please bear with me.
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(doorbell rings)
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(soft rock music)
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- Shoes off. - Sorry, Dave.
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- Sorry? Don't be sorry.
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Just take your shoes off.
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Do you like the banner? (chuckles)
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Can you believe it's been 20 years
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since we've had the whole team together?
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- I'm really, really sorry, Dave.
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- What's going on?
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- He's alone.
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- Everybody inside! - What's going on?
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- Go! Go! Go!
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- What's going on?
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- I got carjacked.
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- Yeah, sorry about that, mate,
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I didn't have much of a choice.
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- Shut the door, shut the door!
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Where's the kitchen?
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I need time to think.
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Plus, I've got the munchies, I think.
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- The munchies? - Yeah.
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- Authorities have received no tips, however,
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on two suspects, seen escaping this warehouse.
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- Hey, that's us.
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- Where earlier today DEA agents discovered
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over 2,000 marijuana plants of this very potent G-14 strain.
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- That's federal G-14 medical seed, you twit!
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- Said he knew about the lab,
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used exclusively for terminally ill cancer patients
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and that federal agents have no right
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to intrude on a state's rights issue.
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- Federal agents have no right to intrude
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on states' rights issues!
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- Hard to believe that with this level of public outrage,
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activists haven't made more headway at the federal level.
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In any case, we will be following this story
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as it develops throughout the day,
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and we'll bring you breaking news as it breaks.
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But now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.
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- And now, it's "Mud Slingers" with your host Hack Murphy.
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- And welcome back to "Mud Slingers."
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Tonight, we're talking marijuana legalization.
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Should the weed be freed?
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We're joined by professor emeritus from Harvard,
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Dr. Willa Peterson, a leading marijuana rights advocate,
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and Reverend Elmer Finkle, the Republican senator from Texas
268
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:17,443
and sponsor of the Milk for Cute Babies and Kittens Act,
269
00:11:17,476 --> 00:11:21,881
which is now being debated on the senate floor.
270
00:11:21,914 --> 00:11:25,351
Now, Dr. Peterson, it's clear you don't support this bill.
271
00:11:25,384 --> 00:11:26,886
- No, sir, I don't.
272
00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:29,188
- Well, I just can't believe how anybody could be against
273
00:11:29,221 --> 00:11:31,257
the Milk for Cute Babies and Kittens Act.
274
00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:34,527
- Well, sir, this bill contains nothing
275
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,062
about babies or kittens.
276
00:11:36,095 --> 00:11:39,065
This is a bill proposing capital punishment
277
00:11:39,098 --> 00:11:41,067
for repeat drug possession charges.
278
00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:42,802
- Well, stand me knee deep in hog biscuits
279
00:11:42,835 --> 00:11:44,336
and call me Aunt Mary,
280
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:46,639
aren't you just a fancy pants intellectual hippie?
281
00:11:46,672 --> 00:11:50,376
- All right, now that is plain, straight talk
282
00:11:50,409 --> 00:11:51,243
from an honest man.
283
00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:52,445
What say you?
284
00:11:52,478 --> 00:11:54,413
- Reverend, in appendices C and D,
285
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:57,016
you suggest that the program be funded
286
00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:58,918
by diverting money from education.
287
00:11:58,951 --> 00:12:01,187
- Well, I just don't see how you can come on the TV
288
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:03,656
with your fancy hair and oppose
289
00:12:03,689 --> 00:12:05,891
the Milk for Cute Babies and Kittens Act.
290
00:12:05,925 --> 00:12:10,896
- Sir, this is a law that would make it a capital crime
291
00:12:10,930 --> 00:12:14,100
to use a substance that is neither lethal nor addictive.
292
00:12:14,133 --> 00:12:18,003
- Ms. Peterson, I don't think you understand the effect
293
00:12:18,037 --> 00:12:20,706
that these drugs can have on my gated community.
294
00:12:20,739 --> 00:12:23,476
- On all of our gated communities.
295
00:12:23,509 --> 00:12:26,545
- I'd like to introduce you to a lovely woman
296
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:29,315
whose life was ruined by your pot.
297
00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:34,520
Ms. Hallworth, tell them your tragic story.
298
00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:38,324
- My daughter was a sophomore in college,
299
00:12:38,357 --> 00:12:40,593
a beautiful young lady. (sniffs)
300
00:12:40,626 --> 00:12:45,631
her life was perfect until the day she was gang-raped.
301
00:12:47,066 --> 00:12:48,567
She was my beautiful baby, and now she's tainted.
302
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,536
She's damaged goods!
303
00:12:50,569 --> 00:12:53,472
- How do you respond to that, Ms. dopey pants?
304
00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:55,641
- Oh, I'm sorry, did I miss something?
305
00:12:55,674 --> 00:12:57,576
What does this have to do with marijuana?
306
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:59,979
- Well, this situation would have been a lot worse
307
00:13:00,012 --> 00:13:01,914
if your pot was legal.
308
00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:03,349
- You bet.
309
00:13:03,382 --> 00:13:05,718
- With all due respect, ma'am, your daughter consented,
310
00:13:05,751 --> 00:13:08,354
which I don't think you can really call rape.
311
00:13:08,387 --> 00:13:10,022
- How do you know it was consensual?
312
00:13:10,055 --> 00:13:10,956
Were you there?
313
00:13:10,990 --> 00:13:13,826
- No, ma'am, but I rented it.
314
00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:15,161
(Ms. Hallsworth gasps) - Ah!
315
00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:17,363
There you go, blaming the victim.
316
00:13:17,396 --> 00:13:19,064
How do you sleep at night?
317
00:13:19,098 --> 00:13:20,599
- The victim?
318
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,768
She's listed as the star, the writer, the producer,
319
00:13:22,801 --> 00:13:24,136
and the director.
320
00:13:25,271 --> 00:13:30,276
- Oh! (sobs)
321
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,845
- I hope you're proud of yourself, Dr. Peterson.
322
00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:34,079
- Hack, please.
323
00:13:34,113 --> 00:13:35,948
I came here today to participate
324
00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:38,184
in an intelligent, informed debate
325
00:13:38,217 --> 00:13:40,853
on the relegalization of marijuana.
326
00:13:40,886 --> 00:13:42,121
- Legalization?
327
00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:44,523
The Founding Fathers of this great nation
328
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:46,458
must be turning in their graves!
329
00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:49,962
- Actually, Hack, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson,
330
00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:52,831
and Benjamin Franklin all grew cannabis.
331
00:13:52,865 --> 00:13:55,768
- These men were also slave owners, Dr. Peterson!
332
00:13:55,801 --> 00:13:58,103
And I will not have you come on my show
333
00:13:58,137 --> 00:13:59,872
and advocate slavery!
334
00:13:59,905 --> 00:14:01,040
- Slavery?
335
00:14:01,073 --> 00:14:03,342
- Look, Ms. Peterson- - Dr. Peterson!
336
00:14:03,375 --> 00:14:05,277
- I am in impartial journalist,
337
00:14:05,311 --> 00:14:09,815
and even though I think you're a criminal with no values,
338
00:14:09,848 --> 00:14:11,450
I am willing to hear you out,
339
00:14:11,483 --> 00:14:14,486
and even offer you a little backup.
340
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,489
That's why we have a colleague of yours here today.
341
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:20,392
Fellow marijuana activist, Rusty Polten.
342
00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:22,027
- Hey, man, do bongs!
343
00:14:22,061 --> 00:14:23,729
Yo! Hey!
344
00:14:23,762 --> 00:14:24,897
- Oh, Rusty. - Yeah, yeah.
345
00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:26,932
- You share Ms. Peterson's views, yes?
346
00:14:26,966 --> 00:14:28,467
- Right on, brother.
347
00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:31,203
Yeah, I read some shit she wrote in Spleef Magazine,
348
00:14:31,237 --> 00:14:32,605
and I was like, "whoa."
349
00:14:32,638 --> 00:14:36,942
These fascists are trying to take our smoke
350
00:14:36,976 --> 00:14:38,811
'cause they're just too old to party.
351
00:14:40,212 --> 00:14:43,983
- Everything that reverend, uh, establishment here,
352
00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:47,419
everything that he is selling is nothing but,
353
00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:50,122
you know, shake 'n seeds, man.
354
00:14:50,155 --> 00:14:51,190
- Is that right? - Yeah.
355
00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:52,391
- Shake 'n seeds?
356
00:14:52,424 --> 00:14:53,959
- Yes, it is.
357
00:14:53,993 --> 00:14:58,998
One acre of hemp equals, like 40, or like 50 barrels of oil.
358
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,233
Something like that.
359
00:15:01,267 --> 00:15:03,402
And you can make a lot of really rad shit with hemp,
360
00:15:03,435 --> 00:15:08,440
like tapestries, my Hendrix tapestry, rolling papers.
361
00:15:09,041 --> 00:15:09,675
What else?
362
00:15:09,708 --> 00:15:10,976
You tell 'em.
363
00:15:11,010 --> 00:15:13,078
Hats, floppy hats.
364
00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:14,913
But you know what, we're getting fed up
365
00:15:14,947 --> 00:15:17,182
with these Washington Nazis.
366
00:15:17,216 --> 00:15:20,719
Yeah, well, the bong of freedom ain't cashed yet, man!
367
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,755
Me and Willa here, we just packed it
368
00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:24,623
with some premium shit, man,
369
00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:26,625
and we are gonna make sure everybody gets
370
00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:28,594
a rude fucking hit, man!
371
00:15:28,627 --> 00:15:30,629
Whoo-hoo-hoo, pass it around!
372
00:15:32,164 --> 00:15:34,733
(bell ringing) (indistinct chatter)
373
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,201
- That was great.
374
00:15:37,703 --> 00:15:39,471
- Thanks a lot, Rusty.
375
00:15:39,505 --> 00:15:42,241
You have just set the marijuana reform back
376
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:43,342
another 10 years.
377
00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:44,443
- What do you mean, man?
378
00:15:44,476 --> 00:15:45,844
Come on.
379
00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:47,513
Come on, don't be that way.
380
00:15:47,546 --> 00:15:51,617
Hey, we just ripped these fascists a new one, you and me.
381
00:15:51,650 --> 00:15:52,951
We did it, we did it!
382
00:15:52,985 --> 00:15:54,753
- Rusty! - What?
383
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:55,654
- Rusty! - What?
384
00:15:57,056 --> 00:15:59,191
- I know that you think you're helping,
385
00:15:59,224 --> 00:16:02,561
but I am begging you to please stay off my side!
386
00:16:02,594 --> 00:16:04,964
- Ah, come on, sister, come on, Willie.
387
00:16:04,997 --> 00:16:07,166
Hey, come on, don't be a buzzkill.
388
00:16:07,199 --> 00:16:10,235
Hey, let's you and me roll up a big spoocher!
389
00:16:10,269 --> 00:16:11,637
Yeah!
390
00:16:11,670 --> 00:16:12,971
Come on, girl!
391
00:16:13,005 --> 00:16:15,140
(Hack and crew laughing)
392
00:16:15,174 --> 00:16:17,376
(door thuds)
393
00:16:17,409 --> 00:16:20,245
(classical music)
394
00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:27,920
- Really excellent work again, Russell.
395
00:16:27,953 --> 00:16:30,289
- Thank you, reverend, I felt it went very well.
396
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:33,325
I don't think that marijuana will be legalized anytime soon.
397
00:16:33,359 --> 00:16:35,627
- (chuckles) Really, that was just excellent.
398
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:37,696
The president and the pharmaceutical boys
399
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:39,665
will be very, very pleased.
400
00:16:39,698 --> 00:16:40,499
- Good.
401
00:16:40,532 --> 00:16:41,834
- Fantastic!
402
00:16:43,235 --> 00:16:45,871
Just a fantastic program, gentlemen. (chuckles)
403
00:16:45,904 --> 00:16:48,374
I don't know when those liberal hippies are gonna realize
404
00:16:48,407 --> 00:16:52,578
that America just doesn't respond to their message anymore.
405
00:16:52,611 --> 00:16:53,746
- Boy, you're not kidding.
406
00:16:53,779 --> 00:16:54,980
(men laughing)
407
00:16:55,013 --> 00:16:57,349
- Now, who wants to light up a fatty?
408
00:16:57,383 --> 00:16:58,517
- Sounds good to me.
409
00:16:58,550 --> 00:16:59,785
(door knocking)
410
00:16:59,818 --> 00:17:01,053
- I was the better natural debater,
411
00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:02,955
but Bertman got the captain-
412
00:17:02,988 --> 00:17:06,291
Hey, everybody, it's Captain Dave!
413
00:17:06,325 --> 00:17:07,760
- [All] Hi, Dave.
414
00:17:07,793 --> 00:17:10,129
- Hey, Skip, guys. - Hi.
415
00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:14,967
- Gosh, it's been a while. - Yeah. (laughs)
416
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,335
You ready to party, Captain Dave, huh?
417
00:17:16,368 --> 00:17:17,169
- Whoo!
418
00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:18,537
- Who are the girls?
419
00:17:18,570 --> 00:17:19,738
(girls laughing)
420
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:21,807
- I figured I'd bring the entertainment.
421
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:25,778
I knew you wouldn't object. (laughs)
422
00:17:25,811 --> 00:17:27,045
- Oh.
423
00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:28,881
- You gonna let us in, Captain Dave?
424
00:17:28,914 --> 00:17:30,783
- Actually, no.
425
00:17:30,816 --> 00:17:33,285
I'm really not feeling well.
426
00:17:33,318 --> 00:17:34,853
The reunion's been canceled.
427
00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:41,493
- I see your position.
428
00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:43,295
However, I would like to direct your attention
429
00:17:43,328 --> 00:17:46,298
to the banner on your far wall.
430
00:17:46,331 --> 00:17:48,333
- Point. - Point to Skip.
431
00:17:48,367 --> 00:17:50,969
- I'm not debating you, it's just,
432
00:17:52,104 --> 00:17:54,606
you guys really can't come in.
433
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:55,808
- Oh.
434
00:17:55,841 --> 00:17:57,910
- I just forgot to take the banner down.
435
00:17:57,943 --> 00:18:00,312
- Point for rebuttal. - Go, Captain Dave.
436
00:18:00,345 --> 00:18:03,282
- Well, if there's no reunion then
437
00:18:04,450 --> 00:18:06,618
what's with all the cars in the driveway?
438
00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:08,854
(girls gasping) - Yeah, yeah.
439
00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:12,691
- Match. - Match to skip.
440
00:18:12,724 --> 00:18:14,426
- Thank you. (laughs)
441
00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:16,895
Come on, captain, get out of the way.
442
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:18,430
(guests laughing)
443
00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:20,666
That's why they say debaters do it better, baby.
444
00:18:21,867 --> 00:18:23,869
Captain of the debate team, you suck!
445
00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:26,271
- I won't stand to be patronized.
446
00:18:26,305 --> 00:18:28,006
- They have superior force. - I concur.
447
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:28,907
- Is there still food?
448
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,576
- Cell phones, please.
449
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:34,313
- Oh, no, no, cell, I'd like to debate that point on the-
450
00:18:34,346 --> 00:18:37,082
Uh, good point, it has internet access.
451
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,684
Come on, hey, cell phones, quick, please.
452
00:18:38,717 --> 00:18:41,520
- Calm down, just take a seat.
453
00:18:41,553 --> 00:18:43,689
They're not gonna hurt us.
454
00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:45,190
They're drug dealers.
455
00:18:45,224 --> 00:18:47,726
- Medical marijuana activists.
456
00:18:47,759 --> 00:18:50,329
- Medical marijuana activists,
457
00:18:50,362 --> 00:18:53,899
who just need a place to lay low for a few hours,
458
00:18:53,932 --> 00:18:54,933
and then they'll leave.
459
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:57,703
- This is gonna cost you extra.
460
00:18:57,736 --> 00:18:59,071
- Is anybody else coming?
461
00:18:59,104 --> 00:19:00,939
- That's the whole team, I swear.
462
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:01,807
(doorbell rings)
463
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:02,774
- Ah!
464
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:03,609
You, tweedledee. - Ah, hey.
465
00:19:03,642 --> 00:19:04,443
- You, get the door!
466
00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:06,078
Come on! Come on!
467
00:19:06,111 --> 00:19:08,347
Convince whoever it is to go away!
468
00:19:08,380 --> 00:19:09,281
- Mom, it's so humiliating!
469
00:19:09,314 --> 00:19:10,516
- You get back here, young lady,
470
00:19:10,549 --> 00:19:11,817
you get right back here right now, young lady!
471
00:19:11,850 --> 00:19:13,018
- Daddy! (sobs)
472
00:19:13,051 --> 00:19:14,319
- Jessica, what are you doing here?
473
00:19:14,353 --> 00:19:15,787
- I'm giving you your daughter back.
474
00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:17,189
- But it's not my weekend.
475
00:19:17,222 --> 00:19:18,357
- It is now!
476
00:19:18,390 --> 00:19:19,892
I have plans tonight.
477
00:19:19,925 --> 00:19:21,793
- Yeah, with Robbie Rock Cock.
478
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,228
- Gina Marie!
479
00:19:23,262 --> 00:19:24,763
- I can't trust your daughter to stay grounded
480
00:19:24,796 --> 00:19:26,431
when I'm going out.
481
00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:28,934
- Grounded, for what?
482
00:19:28,967 --> 00:19:29,868
- For what?
483
00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:31,303
I found this
484
00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:33,739
(funk music)
485
00:19:35,274 --> 00:19:37,242
in her birth control pill case.
486
00:19:38,076 --> 00:19:39,611
- Birth control?
487
00:19:39,645 --> 00:19:41,280
- I'm so not having this conversation with you, dad.
488
00:19:41,313 --> 00:19:44,783
- And who is this Robbie Rock-
489
00:19:44,816 --> 00:19:47,653
(whimsical music)
490
00:19:54,059 --> 00:19:56,828
(Jessica wheezes)
491
00:19:56,862 --> 00:20:00,132
(electric guitar riff)
492
00:20:01,833 --> 00:20:03,068
- Dear lord.
493
00:20:03,101 --> 00:20:04,736
- Would you stay focused?
494
00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:07,472
Our daughter, our daughter is using
495
00:20:07,506 --> 00:20:09,875
mind-altering substances!
496
00:20:11,209 --> 00:20:12,477
God, I need a drink!
497
00:20:12,511 --> 00:20:15,347
(whimsical music)
498
00:20:27,759 --> 00:20:28,594
Ahh.
499
00:20:29,928 --> 00:20:31,430
- Can you explain this?
500
00:20:31,463 --> 00:20:33,565
- It's not mine, daddy!
501
00:20:33,599 --> 00:20:35,767
I told mom that!
502
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:37,302
- I'm a trained psychotherapist,
503
00:20:37,336 --> 00:20:39,771
and I can tell you that denial of one's problems,
504
00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:40,906
very common.
505
00:20:40,939 --> 00:20:43,742
(whimsical music)
506
00:20:51,617 --> 00:20:53,452
- I'm not in denial!
507
00:20:53,485 --> 00:20:54,620
It's not mine!
508
00:20:56,188 --> 00:20:56,989
Ugh!
509
00:20:58,190 --> 00:21:00,759
- Well, you're the master debater.
510
00:21:00,792 --> 00:21:02,027
You talk some sense into her.
511
00:21:02,060 --> 00:21:07,065
I, ahh, am going to enjoy my weekend.
512
00:21:07,666 --> 00:21:10,035
(rock music)
513
00:21:11,236 --> 00:21:13,138
- Anybody gonna miss the tart?
514
00:21:13,171 --> 00:21:14,840
(reggae music)
515
00:21:14,873 --> 00:21:16,742
♪ Mary Jane ♪
516
00:21:16,775 --> 00:21:17,609
- Wow!
517
00:21:19,878 --> 00:21:20,679
(Doug sniffs)
518
00:21:20,712 --> 00:21:22,481
Oh, yes, Bubbleberry.
519
00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:25,751
It's the perfect hybrid of the award-winning parents,
520
00:21:25,784 --> 00:21:27,452
Bubble Gum and Blueberry.
521
00:21:27,486 --> 00:21:28,887
(Doug sniffs)
522
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:33,925
Oh, semifinalist 2004, Cannabis Cup, very impressive.
523
00:21:35,861 --> 00:21:39,498
Perhaps I should hold on to this for further analysis.
524
00:21:40,565 --> 00:21:43,068
(Doug sniffs)
525
00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:46,938
(whimsical music)
526
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:57,449
(Doug laughs)
527
00:21:59,584 --> 00:22:04,122
- Sometimes I smoke pot, and I'll go to, like a,
528
00:22:04,156 --> 00:22:07,759
I went to a Burger King, I go to Burger King sometimes
529
00:22:07,793 --> 00:22:11,196
to eat there because I don't care about my body.
530
00:22:11,229 --> 00:22:14,299
And I'll go to a Burger King, and I go to Burger King,
531
00:22:14,332 --> 00:22:17,369
when I go to Burger King I enjoy their chicken club sandwich
532
00:22:17,402 --> 00:22:19,705
which was available for a limited amount of time,
533
00:22:19,738 --> 00:22:22,741
but now it's made the jump to the permanent menu.
534
00:22:22,774 --> 00:22:24,209
And I think if we all work hard enough,
535
00:22:24,242 --> 00:22:27,012
we can keep it that way, so go out and do your part.
536
00:22:27,045 --> 00:22:30,482
Anyway, I go to Burger King this one time,
537
00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:31,983
and I can immediately tell
538
00:22:32,017 --> 00:22:34,219
I'm not dealing with Burger King's best and brightest.
539
00:22:34,252 --> 00:22:36,755
This is definitely not the Indiana crew
540
00:22:36,788 --> 00:22:40,525
with the AA degrees that they send off to the conventions.
541
00:22:40,559 --> 00:22:43,662
No, this is any big, inner-city,
542
00:22:43,695 --> 00:22:47,332
bottom-of-the-barrel shit staff, and I can tell right away
543
00:22:47,365 --> 00:22:49,301
'cause they had along line of frustrated customers
544
00:22:49,334 --> 00:22:50,802
at the lunch hour,
545
00:22:50,836 --> 00:22:53,038
and then they have this short, chubby, bearded lady
546
00:22:53,071 --> 00:22:54,239
working the counter, you know,
547
00:22:54,272 --> 00:22:56,041
with the unintentional peach fuzz beard
548
00:22:56,074 --> 00:22:58,009
built over a long period of time,
549
00:22:58,043 --> 00:23:01,079
and you're like, "Fucking shave it, do something.
550
00:23:01,113 --> 00:23:03,782
Shouldn't a guardian step in with a Bic at some point
551
00:23:03,815 --> 00:23:05,751
and shave your monkey ass down?"
552
00:23:05,784 --> 00:23:09,187
But no, she's staring at me uncontrollably, you know,
553
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:11,690
giving me the creeps, making me lose my appetite
554
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:13,358
as I gradually pass through the line.
555
00:23:13,391 --> 00:23:14,860
I just want to get up to the front and say,
556
00:23:14,893 --> 00:23:18,730
"Nothing for me, please, I'm gonna take a pass on this one.
557
00:23:18,764 --> 00:23:21,500
I had an opportunity to look around your long-ass line,
558
00:23:21,533 --> 00:23:24,269
and I realized this place is a shithole."
559
00:23:25,137 --> 00:23:27,839
But I didn't do that, I didn't.
560
00:23:27,873 --> 00:23:29,241
There was other signs too.
561
00:23:29,274 --> 00:23:32,778
I peeped back into the microwave, knifeless kitchen,
562
00:23:32,811 --> 00:23:35,747
and I see that there's all Hispanics back there
563
00:23:35,781 --> 00:23:38,717
with English difficulties and attitude problems and,
564
00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:40,685
nobody tense up because I'm Mexican
565
00:23:40,719 --> 00:23:43,655
so it's okay for me to notice and mention that.
566
00:23:43,688 --> 00:23:46,992
And then, I see that there's a,
567
00:23:47,025 --> 00:23:49,094
(audience laughs)
568
00:23:49,127 --> 00:23:52,330
this bloodshot semi-retired drunk with a headset
569
00:23:52,364 --> 00:23:54,833
trying to hold the whole fucking thing together,
570
00:23:54,866 --> 00:23:56,935
so there's bound to be problems.
571
00:23:56,968 --> 00:24:00,906
Now, I get my chicken club sandwich,
572
00:24:00,939 --> 00:24:03,608
and everything seems cool, but the guy behind me,
573
00:24:03,642 --> 00:24:07,412
who uses no plurals whatsoever, this crazy Filipino guy
574
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:08,847
just starts going nuts.
575
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:12,517
He's like, "I ordered chicken tender, 99¢ tender,
576
00:24:12,551 --> 00:24:14,419
should be five fucking tender,
577
00:24:14,452 --> 00:24:18,190
but I just got these two huge tender stuck together.
578
00:24:18,223 --> 00:24:21,159
Like, two tender humping or some shit like that,
579
00:24:21,193 --> 00:24:24,696
and this is not my way, this is not my way.
580
00:24:24,729 --> 00:24:27,799
My way is five separate, delicious tender,
581
00:24:27,833 --> 00:24:32,103
not this teenage mutant three tender faggot bullshit."
582
00:24:32,137 --> 00:24:34,773
I was like, "fucking take it easy, yeah?
583
00:24:34,806 --> 00:24:36,241
It's just a fucking tender."
584
00:24:36,274 --> 00:24:37,609
(audience laughs)
585
00:24:37,642 --> 00:24:40,645
- When my grandfather, Harlan Funonion,
586
00:24:41,813 --> 00:24:44,316
set out to create the tasty snack food
587
00:24:44,349 --> 00:24:45,784
that illustrates his name,
588
00:24:47,152 --> 00:24:50,088
he could have selected a flavor that was more inviting.
589
00:24:50,121 --> 00:24:53,892
Cheese, chocolate, barbecue.
590
00:24:53,925 --> 00:24:54,759
But no.
591
00:24:55,627 --> 00:24:57,495
He went with onions.
592
00:24:58,597 --> 00:25:00,565
People said he was crazy.
593
00:25:00,599 --> 00:25:01,766
They said he was retarded.
594
00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:03,301
They said he was a douche bag,
595
00:25:03,335 --> 00:25:07,606
but was he a crazy, retarded douche bag, or was he a genius?
596
00:25:09,307 --> 00:25:12,744
That was a rhetorical question, you fucking gonad.
597
00:25:14,713 --> 00:25:18,583
My point is, he was thinking outside the box.
598
00:25:19,751 --> 00:25:21,987
My grandfather did not build fun-onions
599
00:25:22,020 --> 00:25:25,690
into a snack food empire by doing things conventionally.
600
00:25:25,724 --> 00:25:27,826
Now, we are in a real pickle here, people.
601
00:25:29,327 --> 00:25:31,196
With all this health-conscious craziness,
602
00:25:31,229 --> 00:25:34,232
it's turning into a real Snackwells motherfucker of a world.
603
00:25:35,867 --> 00:25:38,236
And we have learned the hard way
604
00:25:38,270 --> 00:25:42,707
that nobody wants a low-fat fun-onion.
605
00:25:46,945 --> 00:25:51,950
Now, this is Dr. Willa Peterson from Harvard.
606
00:25:53,451 --> 00:25:55,587
She is here to share with us
607
00:25:55,620 --> 00:25:58,290
a radical new approach to fun-onions.
608
00:25:59,925 --> 00:26:01,293
Ms. Peterson.
609
00:26:01,326 --> 00:26:03,161
- Thank you, Mr. Funonion. - You're welcome.
610
00:26:04,229 --> 00:26:08,066
- Folks, as your chairman has indicated,
611
00:26:08,099 --> 00:26:11,136
fun-onion sales aren't what they used to be.
612
00:26:11,169 --> 00:26:15,540
as you can see, over the last 10 years,
613
00:26:15,573 --> 00:26:19,878
pot and fun-onion sales are reciprocal.
614
00:26:22,747 --> 00:26:27,752
I believe that if fun-onion used its corporate might
615
00:26:29,554 --> 00:26:34,125
to legalize marijuana, your sales would skyrocket.
616
00:26:36,161 --> 00:26:38,129
- Sir, this is preposterous!
617
00:26:38,163 --> 00:26:40,999
The connection between marijuana and fun-onions
618
00:26:41,032 --> 00:26:42,867
is purely coincidental.
619
00:26:42,901 --> 00:26:44,836
- Well, I disagree with that, Sanderson.
620
00:26:44,869 --> 00:26:46,338
When I'm blazed off my ass
621
00:26:46,371 --> 00:26:48,540
I can go through three, four bags, easy.
622
00:26:50,041 --> 00:26:53,678
Sharana, honey. - Yes, Mr. Funonion?
623
00:26:53,712 --> 00:26:56,247
- Could you send in Mr. Goldman, please?
624
00:26:56,281 --> 00:26:58,216
- [Sharana] Yes, Mr. Funonion.
625
00:26:58,249 --> 00:27:03,188
- Ah, now this is Mr. Arturo Goldman of the famous PR firm
626
00:27:04,356 --> 00:27:07,292
of Goldman, Goldberg, Goldstein, and Goldman,
627
00:27:08,693 --> 00:27:11,896
and I'm told he could sell a rusty cock ring to a bull dike.
628
00:27:11,930 --> 00:27:14,099
- Oh, too kind, sir.
629
00:27:15,500 --> 00:27:18,036
Gentlemen, Mr. Funonion tells me that
630
00:27:18,069 --> 00:27:21,506
we need to change the way America thinks about marijuana.
631
00:27:23,174 --> 00:27:24,876
Well, when it comes to changing minds,
632
00:27:24,909 --> 00:27:27,779
my company is the best there is.
633
00:27:27,812 --> 00:27:30,515
I have personally overseen the PR campaigns
634
00:27:30,548 --> 00:27:34,853
for General Motors, ABC, McDonald's, and Asians.
635
00:27:36,354 --> 00:27:37,188
- Which Asians?
636
00:27:38,923 --> 00:27:40,258
- All of them.
637
00:27:40,291 --> 00:27:41,993
About 10 years ago, when you thought of Asians,
638
00:27:42,027 --> 00:27:43,194
what did you think?
639
00:27:43,228 --> 00:27:45,964
- Camera equipment. - Mm, pocket protectors.
640
00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:47,532
- Mustaches. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
641
00:27:47,565 --> 00:27:49,000
Yeah, no, no, no, I get it.
642
00:27:49,034 --> 00:27:52,971
I get it, computers, bowl cuts, small dicks.
643
00:27:53,004 --> 00:27:55,640
But what does this have to do with you?
644
00:27:56,841 --> 00:28:00,545
- Well, the Asians came to us in '96.
645
00:28:00,578 --> 00:28:02,647
They wanted a new image.
646
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:03,915
We gave it to them.
647
00:28:03,948 --> 00:28:06,785
Now, when you think of Asians, you think of,
648
00:28:06,818 --> 00:28:07,986
(techno music)
649
00:28:08,019 --> 00:28:08,853
techno,
650
00:28:09,788 --> 00:28:10,622
hip-hop,
651
00:28:12,690 --> 00:28:13,758
big bucks,
652
00:28:14,993 --> 00:28:18,763
and plenty of hot backdoor action.
653
00:28:18,797 --> 00:28:19,597
- That was you?
654
00:28:19,631 --> 00:28:21,599
Oh, thank you!
655
00:28:21,633 --> 00:28:23,001
- Well, this is impressive.
656
00:28:24,769 --> 00:28:27,172
So you think that you can help us here
657
00:28:27,205 --> 00:28:29,007
with this marijuana business?
658
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:30,942
- Oh, I believe I can.
659
00:28:30,975 --> 00:28:34,913
You see, gents, our voters want to keep pot illegal.
660
00:28:36,381 --> 00:28:39,984
Well, today, the religious right is running the show.
661
00:28:40,018 --> 00:28:41,286
So if you want to make a change,
662
00:28:41,319 --> 00:28:43,121
you first have to appeal to them.
663
00:28:43,154 --> 00:28:44,389
- How do we do that?
664
00:28:44,422 --> 00:28:47,058
- You have to start by asking yourself,
665
00:28:47,092 --> 00:28:50,929
"what does the religious right fear even more than drugs?"
666
00:28:50,962 --> 00:28:52,764
- Dancing? - Foul language?
667
00:28:52,797 --> 00:28:54,432
- The morning-after pill.
668
00:28:54,466 --> 00:28:55,867
- Hell, the IRS.
669
00:28:55,900 --> 00:28:57,802
- Oh, Jews.
670
00:28:59,104 --> 00:29:00,705
- Queers.
671
00:29:00,738 --> 00:29:02,207
- Ah.
672
00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:06,444
- My job is to convince the parents of the Bible Belt
673
00:29:06,478 --> 00:29:11,449
that marijuana use will curb homosexual impulses.
674
00:29:11,483 --> 00:29:13,518
You can sell them that.
675
00:29:13,551 --> 00:29:17,455
They will be scoring weed for their own kids just in case.
676
00:29:17,489 --> 00:29:20,959
It will be legal within a year, and then, my friends,
677
00:29:20,992 --> 00:29:23,394
fun-onion will regain its rightful place
678
00:29:23,428 --> 00:29:26,464
at the top of the snack charts.
679
00:29:26,498 --> 00:29:27,332
- Is it true?
680
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:31,136
- Since when has truth had anything to do
681
00:29:31,169 --> 00:29:32,737
with marijuana propaganda?
682
00:29:33,838 --> 00:29:35,907
If they can use terrorists
683
00:29:35,940 --> 00:29:38,943
to scare people out of smoking pot,
684
00:29:38,977 --> 00:29:43,948
then we can use homos to scare them back into it.
685
00:29:44,849 --> 00:29:47,385
- Jesus Christ, this is.
686
00:29:47,418 --> 00:29:49,888
(staff applauding)
687
00:29:49,921 --> 00:29:52,056
Thank you, thank you!
688
00:29:52,090 --> 00:29:54,325
God damn it, it's about time
689
00:29:54,359 --> 00:29:56,861
I had something fucking happening.
690
00:29:56,895 --> 00:29:58,696
- Me, smoke pot, no.
691
00:29:58,730 --> 00:30:00,532
Well, I mean, I smoked it a few times,
692
00:30:00,565 --> 00:30:01,799
I'm not, like, against it or anything,
693
00:30:01,833 --> 00:30:03,902
but it just doesn't work for me.
694
00:30:03,935 --> 00:30:07,906
The times that I have, you know, it was paranoia, no effect,
695
00:30:07,939 --> 00:30:11,876
paranoia, ill, and then the last time,
696
00:30:11,910 --> 00:30:14,078
okay, well, I smoked a little bit of it,
697
00:30:14,112 --> 00:30:19,117
and my heart started pounding, my, like, limbs went numb.
698
00:30:20,285 --> 00:30:21,486
My tongue, like, felt like it was swelling
699
00:30:21,519 --> 00:30:22,754
up like when you go to the dentist
700
00:30:22,787 --> 00:30:23,822
and get that Novocain shot, thinking, like,
701
00:30:23,855 --> 00:30:25,523
"oh, god, I got to keep moving,
702
00:30:25,557 --> 00:30:27,292
I got to keep talking, or I'm gonna die," right?
703
00:30:27,325 --> 00:30:31,429
But the worst part was, it was a, it was a first date.
704
00:30:31,462 --> 00:30:33,331
"Will you come back to my place?
705
00:30:33,364 --> 00:30:36,334
because I just don't want to be alone right now."
706
00:30:36,367 --> 00:30:38,136
And I never smoked again.
707
00:30:40,271 --> 00:30:42,607
- Honey, can I come in?
708
00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:44,142
- Just leave her be, mate.
709
00:30:44,175 --> 00:30:46,377
- Excuse me if I don't take parental advice
710
00:30:46,411 --> 00:30:47,879
from a drug dealer!
711
00:30:47,912 --> 00:30:51,916
- Medical marijuana activist!
712
00:30:51,950 --> 00:30:53,785
(muffled rock music)
713
00:30:53,818 --> 00:30:56,154
(Dave sighs)
714
00:30:56,187 --> 00:30:57,655
- My daughter's a drug addict.
715
00:30:59,090 --> 00:31:01,159
- Kinda funny you're more concerned about a little grass
716
00:31:01,192 --> 00:31:02,694
than me having a gun.
717
00:31:02,727 --> 00:31:04,762
- Yeah, do you know how many people are killed each year
718
00:31:04,796 --> 00:31:07,232
by the accidental discharge of a firearm?
719
00:31:07,265 --> 00:31:10,134
(whimsical music)
720
00:31:10,168 --> 00:31:13,404
- Trust me, I'm bothered by the gun too.
721
00:31:13,438 --> 00:31:15,707
Okay, but if you're so concerned about my daughter,
722
00:31:15,740 --> 00:31:17,442
why don't you let her go?
723
00:31:20,278 --> 00:31:24,382
(hostages gasping and murmuring)
724
00:31:24,415 --> 00:31:25,483
- Look!
725
00:31:25,516 --> 00:31:27,318
We're not letting anybody go!
726
00:31:29,921 --> 00:31:31,356
But we don't want to scare your kid.
727
00:31:31,389 --> 00:31:35,159
- So you guys just pretend to have your little barbecue.
728
00:31:35,193 --> 00:31:38,329
Steph and I will keep the guns out of sight.
729
00:31:38,363 --> 00:31:41,266
As long as nobody does anything stupid
730
00:31:41,299 --> 00:31:44,736
we're not gonna have a problem!
731
00:31:44,769 --> 00:31:46,504
- We'd like to pass on a rebuttal.
732
00:31:46,537 --> 00:31:48,072
- I concur. - All right.
733
00:31:50,842 --> 00:31:53,144
- There's ads in the back of High Times Magazines
734
00:31:53,177 --> 00:31:56,881
for marijuana being sold without THC.
735
00:31:56,914 --> 00:31:58,916
Hey, people drink decaf.
736
00:31:58,950 --> 00:32:00,918
People drink de-alcoholized beer.
737
00:32:00,952 --> 00:32:02,020
All the bloating.
738
00:32:03,121 --> 00:32:04,589
No buzz.
739
00:32:04,622 --> 00:32:07,358
(majestic music)
740
00:32:12,063 --> 00:32:14,198
- My name is Jesco Rollins,
741
00:32:14,232 --> 00:32:17,135
and my family has owned and operated this farm
742
00:32:17,168 --> 00:32:19,837
for, the last 80 years.
743
00:32:23,041 --> 00:32:27,178
Now, there's been a lot of talk in this community
744
00:32:27,211 --> 00:32:29,814
about the legalization of marijuana.
745
00:32:30,982 --> 00:32:34,218
Now, some folks say it's got thousands of uses:
746
00:32:34,252 --> 00:32:36,921
makes sick people feel better,
747
00:32:36,954 --> 00:32:41,159
makes stronger fibers for rope, cloth, and paper.
748
00:32:41,192 --> 00:32:43,194
Now, marijuana's a profitable crop,
749
00:32:43,227 --> 00:32:45,029
even if no part of the plant is used,
750
00:32:45,063 --> 00:32:47,532
'cause it fertilizes the soil,
751
00:32:47,565 --> 00:32:50,368
keeps other weeds from growing.
752
00:32:50,401 --> 00:32:52,403
And some folks say
753
00:32:52,437 --> 00:32:55,907
that if marijuana was legalized and taxed,
754
00:32:55,940 --> 00:32:57,742
it'd be a whole lot more money
755
00:32:57,775 --> 00:32:59,944
to build better schools and roads
756
00:32:59,977 --> 00:33:02,347
that folks around here and others sure could use.
757
00:33:03,214 --> 00:33:04,048
Yeah.
758
00:33:06,684 --> 00:33:08,953
Legalization of marijuana
759
00:33:08,986 --> 00:33:12,323
would be a $24-billion industry
760
00:33:12,357 --> 00:33:15,126
right here in the United States alone.
761
00:33:15,159 --> 00:33:18,863
It'd save a lot of farms, make a lot of people rich.
762
00:33:20,365 --> 00:33:21,232
But not me.
763
00:33:23,034 --> 00:33:25,603
Because this is not that kind of farm,
764
00:33:25,636 --> 00:33:28,206
and I'm not that kind of farmer.
765
00:33:28,239 --> 00:33:33,177
I grow fake pot, just like my daddy and my granddaddy did.
766
00:33:33,211 --> 00:33:36,714
For the last 80 years, here on the Rollins farm,
767
00:33:36,748 --> 00:33:39,317
we grow Tootie Puff, Warlock Smoke,
768
00:33:39,350 --> 00:33:43,221
and some of the finest strains of marijuana substitutes,
769
00:33:43,254 --> 00:33:48,092
guaranteed to be 100% legal and not to get you high.
770
00:33:48,126 --> 00:33:51,696
It's the life me and my kids were born into.
771
00:33:51,729 --> 00:33:55,032
But if real marijuana is legalized,
772
00:33:55,066 --> 00:33:56,834
it's gonna be the end of this farm
773
00:33:56,868 --> 00:33:58,870
and a lot of other farms like it.
774
00:33:58,903 --> 00:34:02,173
It's gonna be the end of an American way of life.
775
00:34:02,206 --> 00:34:03,975
Across this country, I know
776
00:34:05,209 --> 00:34:08,012
35 other farmers just like me,
777
00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:11,849
and with no means to provide,
778
00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:13,651
I would have no other choice but
779
00:34:15,720 --> 00:34:17,622
to shoot my family!
780
00:34:19,924 --> 00:34:22,160
When people look at me, they say,
781
00:34:22,193 --> 00:34:25,196
"Hey, it's common sense to grow marijuana."
782
00:34:25,229 --> 00:34:28,232
Well, I look them right in the eye, and I say,
783
00:34:28,266 --> 00:34:31,803
"Common sense ain't American to me."
784
00:34:32,804 --> 00:34:34,205
- [Announcer] Paid for by,
785
00:34:34,238 --> 00:34:35,540
the synthetic fiber industry, national alcohol lobby,
786
00:34:35,573 --> 00:34:36,674
the American pharmaceutical political fund,
787
00:34:36,707 --> 00:34:37,909
and the Association to Keep
788
00:34:37,942 --> 00:34:39,544
Nonviolent Marijuana Offenders in Jail.
789
00:34:39,577 --> 00:34:42,013
♪ I'm smoking pot ♪
790
00:34:42,046 --> 00:34:44,282
♪ I got my dick out ♪
791
00:34:44,315 --> 00:34:46,517
♪ And I'm thinking 'bout you ♪
792
00:34:46,551 --> 00:34:48,719
♪ And I'm thinking 'bout you ♪
793
00:34:48,753 --> 00:34:50,822
♪ I'm smoking pot ♪
794
00:34:50,855 --> 00:34:52,824
♪ I got my dick out ♪
795
00:34:52,857 --> 00:34:55,359
♪ And I'm thinking 'bout you ♪
796
00:34:55,393 --> 00:34:57,862
♪ Just you ♪
797
00:34:57,895 --> 00:34:59,397
- Deviants.
798
00:34:59,430 --> 00:35:02,266
(rock music)
799
00:35:02,300 --> 00:35:04,569
- You guys up for a game of ring toss?
800
00:35:04,602 --> 00:35:06,804
- It is getting a bit nippy out here.
801
00:35:06,838 --> 00:35:08,673
- How, it's blazing hot.
802
00:35:11,008 --> 00:35:13,978
- (laughing) it's all over your face.
803
00:35:14,011 --> 00:35:14,846
- Where?
804
00:35:23,588 --> 00:35:26,691
- And so the reunion went on as planned.
805
00:35:26,724 --> 00:35:30,928
On the surface, a simple barbecue,
806
00:35:30,962 --> 00:35:34,198
but underneath, a danger lurked,
807
00:35:34,232 --> 00:35:35,733
which threatened the very fabric
808
00:35:35,766 --> 00:35:37,902
of the space-time continuum!
809
00:35:39,003 --> 00:35:40,438
Which is what I would say if I
810
00:35:40,471 --> 00:35:42,273
were still exaggerating, which I am no longer doing,
811
00:35:42,306 --> 00:35:45,176
so let's just say all is not well under the surface
812
00:35:45,209 --> 00:35:46,944
and call it a day.
813
00:35:46,978 --> 00:35:49,380
(rock music)
814
00:35:56,053 --> 00:35:57,221
(Skip clears throat)
815
00:35:57,255 --> 00:35:58,890
- Now, I know we agreed not to try anything,
816
00:35:58,923 --> 00:36:01,158
but a few of the guys and I, we want to go for it.
817
00:36:01,192 --> 00:36:03,327
- Forget it, Skip, it's too risky.
818
00:36:03,361 --> 00:36:04,562
- There's only two of them.
819
00:36:04,595 --> 00:36:06,197
- I'm captain of the debate team, Skip,
820
00:36:06,230 --> 00:36:08,065
not the wrestling team.
821
00:36:08,099 --> 00:36:10,868
I didn't bring home the state championship trophy
822
00:36:10,902 --> 00:36:12,870
just so I could bonk someone over the head with it
823
00:36:12,904 --> 00:36:14,472
when they didn't agree with me.
824
00:36:14,505 --> 00:36:15,706
- Agreed.
825
00:36:15,740 --> 00:36:17,675
We must do something, and we must concede
826
00:36:17,708 --> 00:36:20,878
that our weapons are our brains, not our fists.
827
00:36:20,912 --> 00:36:23,180
- Well, what do you suggest, captain?
828
00:36:23,214 --> 00:36:25,316
- Get them to see the error of their ways
829
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:26,651
and turn themselves in.
830
00:36:26,684 --> 00:36:27,818
- I concur.
831
00:36:27,852 --> 00:36:30,288
(rock music)
832
00:36:33,524 --> 00:36:36,527
♪ Hey, hey, who found the law ♪
833
00:36:36,561 --> 00:36:39,430
- So how long have you two been drug dealers?
834
00:36:39,463 --> 00:36:44,001
Oh, I mean medical marijuana activists? (laughs)
835
00:36:44,035 --> 00:36:47,138
- How long have you been a total dickweed, Skippy?
836
00:36:47,171 --> 00:36:48,906
- I'm sorry, but you must admit
837
00:36:48,940 --> 00:36:50,875
that legalizing medical marijuana
838
00:36:50,908 --> 00:36:52,209
is just an excuse to make it easier
839
00:36:52,243 --> 00:36:54,145
for you potheads to get high.
840
00:36:54,178 --> 00:36:56,647
- Beer? - Yeah, sure.
841
00:36:56,681 --> 00:36:58,449
- We believe that withholding medical treatment
842
00:36:58,482 --> 00:36:59,951
from the terminally ill
843
00:36:59,984 --> 00:37:03,454
simply to stem recreational pot smoking is unethical,
844
00:37:03,487 --> 00:37:04,855
and guess what, Skippy?
845
00:37:04,889 --> 00:37:05,890
So do you.
846
00:37:05,923 --> 00:37:09,393
- Oh, so do I? (laughs)
847
00:37:09,427 --> 00:37:12,763
I think you two are about to get a little lesson in debate.
848
00:37:12,797 --> 00:37:15,099
You don't get to tell me what I believe,
849
00:37:15,132 --> 00:37:16,667
you have to convince me.
850
00:37:16,701 --> 00:37:17,969
And so, ugh.
851
00:37:19,604 --> 00:37:21,038
- Something wrong?
852
00:37:21,072 --> 00:37:23,674
- Uh, no, no. (coughs)
853
00:37:23,708 --> 00:37:26,444
Suddenly, I just feel a little...
854
00:37:26,477 --> 00:37:27,311
- Nauseous?
855
00:37:29,413 --> 00:37:30,581
- It's probably because of this,
856
00:37:30,615 --> 00:37:32,416
I slipped it into your beer.
857
00:37:32,450 --> 00:37:33,584
(Skip gags)
858
00:37:33,618 --> 00:37:35,052
You poisoned me?
859
00:37:35,086 --> 00:37:37,088
- Relax, it's just a little ipecac,
860
00:37:37,121 --> 00:37:39,590
used to induce vomiting in the event of poisoning.
861
00:37:39,624 --> 00:37:41,258
We find it nicely simulates
862
00:37:41,292 --> 00:37:43,728
the nauseousness of chemotherapy.
863
00:37:43,761 --> 00:37:44,962
(Skip vomiting)
864
00:37:44,996 --> 00:37:46,397
- Oh!
865
00:37:46,430 --> 00:37:48,432
Oh, at this point, your legal options for your nausea
866
00:37:48,466 --> 00:37:51,769
are pretty much your Compazine, your Ativan,
867
00:37:51,802 --> 00:37:53,804
and your Decadron!
868
00:37:53,838 --> 00:37:56,774
- Which can also cause acne, headaches, sore throats,
869
00:37:56,807 --> 00:38:00,111
unusual hair growth, and funnily enough, nausea again.
870
00:38:00,144 --> 00:38:01,012
(Skip retching)
871
00:38:01,045 --> 00:38:01,879
- Yeah!
872
00:38:03,014 --> 00:38:04,015
Let it go, baby!
873
00:38:04,048 --> 00:38:05,650
(Skip retching)
874
00:38:05,683 --> 00:38:08,085
But if you're willing to pay 40 bucks per pill
875
00:38:08,119 --> 00:38:09,820
and are okay with just constipation and headaches,
876
00:38:09,854 --> 00:38:13,124
then you got to go for your Zofran or your Kytril.
877
00:38:13,157 --> 00:38:15,192
- Unless you're one of those hypersensitive types,
878
00:38:15,226 --> 00:38:16,994
of which these pills could send
879
00:38:17,028 --> 00:38:19,930
into a potentially fatal anaphylactic shock.
880
00:38:19,964 --> 00:38:22,266
(Skip retching)
881
00:38:22,299 --> 00:38:24,502
- And that's assuming that any of these dangerous drugs
882
00:38:24,535 --> 00:38:27,171
work at all, which they don't for everyone.
883
00:38:27,204 --> 00:38:31,676
- Much less the 50 million Americans without insurance
884
00:38:31,709 --> 00:38:33,444
who can't even afford them.
885
00:38:33,477 --> 00:38:36,213
- Isn't it a shame that there isn't a cheap,
886
00:38:36,247 --> 00:38:39,517
essentially harmless alternative available?
887
00:38:40,785 --> 00:38:42,286
- Wouldn't that be nice?
888
00:38:42,319 --> 00:38:43,220
- Oh, my god!
889
00:38:44,288 --> 00:38:45,222
I feel horrible!
890
00:38:46,323 --> 00:38:47,992
There must be something I can take!
891
00:38:48,025 --> 00:38:49,193
- Sorry!
892
00:38:49,226 --> 00:38:50,261
(imitates buzzer) You're all out of options,
893
00:38:50,294 --> 00:38:52,229
the legal ones, at least.
894
00:38:52,263 --> 00:38:54,265
- I don't care!
895
00:38:54,298 --> 00:38:56,133
I'll try anything.
896
00:38:56,167 --> 00:38:57,168
(Skip retches)
897
00:38:57,201 --> 00:38:59,136
Oh, I feel like shit!
898
00:38:59,170 --> 00:39:01,305
(Doug humming)
899
00:39:01,339 --> 00:39:04,075
(majestic music)
900
00:39:13,884 --> 00:39:14,852
- Feeling better?
901
00:39:14,885 --> 00:39:17,388
(Skip coughs)
902
00:39:32,336 --> 00:39:33,237
- [Interviewer] So to begin with,
903
00:39:33,270 --> 00:39:34,538
have you ever smoked marijuana?
904
00:39:35,806 --> 00:39:39,410
- (scoffs) Yeah, I smoked pot, uh,
905
00:39:41,112 --> 00:39:43,681
every day, all day for about 22 years.
906
00:39:43,714 --> 00:39:46,250
There's three phases that I certainly went through.
907
00:39:46,283 --> 00:39:49,286
First, it was fun, then it was fun with problems,
908
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:50,888
and then it was just problems.
909
00:39:50,921 --> 00:39:55,459
I went into rehab in 1990, okay, a 28-day program,
910
00:39:55,493 --> 00:39:57,895
but prior to that, about two years before that,
911
00:39:57,928 --> 00:40:00,030
I went to a marijuana anonymous meeting.
912
00:40:01,532 --> 00:40:04,201
That was my first introduction to a 12-step meeting.
913
00:40:04,235 --> 00:40:07,905
And I'm sitting in this big circle with about 40 people,
914
00:40:07,938 --> 00:40:09,840
and this guy's talking.
915
00:40:09,874 --> 00:40:12,510
I'm, like, two people away from him, right,
916
00:40:12,543 --> 00:40:14,578
and I remember it was, you know,
917
00:40:14,612 --> 00:40:17,715
he had this phrase that he said, he said,
918
00:40:17,748 --> 00:40:22,753
"I knew I hit bottom when I drank my bong juice."
919
00:40:25,122 --> 00:40:26,624
And I'm looking around.
920
00:40:26,657 --> 00:40:28,826
There's eight people shaking their fucking heads like,
921
00:40:28,859 --> 00:40:31,529
"Oh, yeah, I remember when I did that," you know?
922
00:40:31,562 --> 00:40:35,099
And I remember looking over at him, and I just said to him,
923
00:40:35,132 --> 00:40:38,235
"You drank your fucking bong juice?"
924
00:40:38,269 --> 00:40:40,571
And, you know, 42 people went, "shh!"
925
00:40:41,739 --> 00:40:44,308
You know, I didn't know the rules, you know.
926
00:40:44,341 --> 00:40:46,043
And there was, there was, like, eight or 10 people
927
00:40:46,076 --> 00:40:48,979
that had did, and I had made tea with mine, you know,
928
00:40:49,013 --> 00:40:49,980
'cause I was classy.
929
00:40:51,949 --> 00:40:55,119
- Back in the day, we used to smoke a lot of weed all day.
930
00:40:55,152 --> 00:40:56,787
All day.
931
00:40:56,821 --> 00:40:58,622
Wake and bake, as they say.
932
00:40:58,656 --> 00:41:03,561
Put the bong in the freezer, get it cool, and get it going.
933
00:41:04,295 --> 00:41:05,729
Get it going early.
934
00:41:05,763 --> 00:41:08,866
I love to get high and watch "Wheel of Fortune."
935
00:41:08,899 --> 00:41:10,801
Really high.
936
00:41:10,835 --> 00:41:12,136
Right before a big puzzle.
937
00:41:13,270 --> 00:41:15,606
And then sometimes, it's down to one letter
938
00:41:15,639 --> 00:41:18,042
and I still can't get it.
939
00:41:18,075 --> 00:41:19,009
I'm just staring.
940
00:41:20,377 --> 00:41:21,512
"Bone with the Wind."
941
00:41:21,545 --> 00:41:22,980
"Bone with the Wind."
942
00:41:23,013 --> 00:41:24,281
"Bone with the Wind."
943
00:41:24,315 --> 00:41:28,419
Uh, I don't know, uh, "Bone with the Wind."
944
00:41:28,452 --> 00:41:30,054
I've done that, I've been there.
945
00:41:32,957 --> 00:41:34,158
Another friend of mine,
946
00:41:34,191 --> 00:41:36,393
he likes to watch the Weather Channel.
947
00:41:36,427 --> 00:41:39,964
And then he'll wait till I'm out of town and call me.
948
00:41:39,997 --> 00:41:41,799
"Dude, where are you?"
949
00:41:41,832 --> 00:41:44,235
(chuckles) "Cincinnati."
950
00:41:44,268 --> 00:41:45,769
"Is it partly cloudy?"
951
00:41:45,803 --> 00:41:47,438
"Fucking A, I knew it, man!"
952
00:41:47,471 --> 00:41:49,607
Gets all jacked up about it.
953
00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:53,177
Weed, makes the boring not so boring.
954
00:41:54,578 --> 00:41:55,713
This is really good.
955
00:41:56,714 --> 00:41:58,549
I'm not even that high.
956
00:41:58,582 --> 00:42:00,618
- And if you're some kind of religious freak
957
00:42:00,651 --> 00:42:02,353
and you think marijuana's wrong,
958
00:42:02,386 --> 00:42:06,657
may I please quote from Genesis 1 and 9,
959
00:42:07,791 --> 00:42:12,029
"all seed-bearing plants I give to you."
960
00:42:12,062 --> 00:42:14,565
(audience cheers and applauds)
961
00:42:14,598 --> 00:42:15,432
Namaste.
962
00:42:16,667 --> 00:42:19,103
(rock music)
963
00:42:20,304 --> 00:42:21,138
- Feeling better?
964
00:42:24,842 --> 00:42:26,243
- Yes, I am, Doug.
965
00:42:28,045 --> 00:42:32,016
But I still think marijuana should be illegal.
966
00:42:32,049 --> 00:42:32,883
- You do?
967
00:42:34,151 --> 00:42:36,287
- I mean, it should be illegal
968
00:42:36,320 --> 00:42:38,522
for pot to be illegal. (laughs)
969
00:42:38,555 --> 00:42:39,924
- I'll smoke to that.
970
00:42:45,763 --> 00:42:48,265
- Okay, it appears we lost Skip.
971
00:42:48,299 --> 00:42:51,035
- Obviously, we can't hit him on the medical front.
972
00:42:51,068 --> 00:42:52,703
What's left, Gouda?
973
00:42:52,736 --> 00:42:54,538
- Uh, lost productivity.
974
00:42:54,571 --> 00:42:56,307
- Loosening of sexual inhibitions.
975
00:42:58,008 --> 00:43:00,210
Oh, god, it's already started.
976
00:43:00,244 --> 00:43:01,745
- You guys figure it out.
977
00:43:01,779 --> 00:43:03,314
I'll be back.
978
00:43:03,347 --> 00:43:04,148
Can we talk now?
979
00:43:04,181 --> 00:43:05,683
- I can't believe it.
980
00:43:05,716 --> 00:43:07,184
Mom grounds me 'cause she finds some pot
981
00:43:07,217 --> 00:43:09,887
that isn't even mine while your friends are getting
982
00:43:09,920 --> 00:43:12,356
totally baked on the couch!
983
00:43:12,389 --> 00:43:15,893
- (laughs) okay, first of all, Skip is an adult.
984
00:43:15,926 --> 00:43:17,394
- Something for ya!
985
00:43:17,428 --> 00:43:19,930
(Skip farts)
986
00:43:19,964 --> 00:43:23,367
(Skip and Doug laughing)
987
00:43:25,002 --> 00:43:25,836
- Oh, oh.
988
00:43:26,804 --> 00:43:28,305
- Secondly.
989
00:43:28,339 --> 00:43:29,239
- Aw, come on.
990
00:43:29,273 --> 00:43:32,242
You never experimented as a kid?
991
00:43:32,276 --> 00:43:34,979
- Would you please mind your own business?
992
00:43:35,012 --> 00:43:36,647
- Well, did you?
993
00:43:38,549 --> 00:43:40,718
- (scoffs)
994
00:43:40,751 --> 00:43:43,087
(exotic music)
995
00:43:43,120 --> 00:43:43,954
- Come on.
996
00:43:45,055 --> 00:43:45,889
Try it.
997
00:43:47,024 --> 00:43:49,960
- Well, my daddy said he tried it once,
998
00:43:49,994 --> 00:43:53,130
so I guess it'll be okay.
999
00:44:03,707 --> 00:44:04,875
Oh, boys!
1000
00:44:04,908 --> 00:44:05,743
whoo-hoo!
1001
00:44:06,677 --> 00:44:10,647
Yeah boy!
1002
00:44:12,383 --> 00:44:13,584
Hey you!
1003
00:44:13,617 --> 00:44:18,322
I'll suck your dick for some weed! (chuckles)
1004
00:44:18,355 --> 00:44:21,525
You, I'll let you ass-fuck me for a dime bag!
1005
00:44:22,793 --> 00:44:24,495
I'm HIV negative!
1006
00:44:24,528 --> 00:44:25,329
I swear!
1007
00:44:26,764 --> 00:44:31,335
- No, I have never, ever tried marijuana, ever.
1008
00:44:32,469 --> 00:44:34,738
It's a deadly drug that will ruin your life.
1009
00:44:34,772 --> 00:44:37,341
- Oh, wow!
1010
00:44:37,374 --> 00:44:40,110
I am fucked up.
1011
00:44:40,144 --> 00:44:41,378
- See?
1012
00:44:41,412 --> 00:44:44,048
(Gina scoffs)
1013
00:44:44,081 --> 00:44:45,015
- Nice work, Skip.
1014
00:44:45,049 --> 00:44:46,250
- No, man.
1015
00:44:46,283 --> 00:44:49,820
I mean, I am really, really fucked up.
1016
00:44:49,853 --> 00:44:51,689
- I can see that!
1017
00:44:51,722 --> 00:44:54,024
(Skip laughs)
1018
00:44:54,058 --> 00:44:54,858
- Won't stop me.
1019
00:44:56,994 --> 00:44:59,997
(smooth rock music)
1020
00:45:01,432 --> 00:45:05,736
In fact, I've never been this fucked up in my life.
1021
00:45:05,769 --> 00:45:08,272
(Skip laughs)
1022
00:45:10,574 --> 00:45:11,408
Hello.
1023
00:45:13,143 --> 00:45:13,977
- Hello.
1024
00:45:14,812 --> 00:45:15,646
- Who are you?
1025
00:45:17,815 --> 00:45:18,816
- I'm your narrator.
1026
00:45:20,050 --> 00:45:21,085
- My narrator?
1027
00:45:23,587 --> 00:45:25,656
- Who the hell are you talking to?
1028
00:45:25,689 --> 00:45:29,493
- Apparently, we have a narrator. (laughs)
1029
00:45:33,430 --> 00:45:34,932
Television?
1030
00:45:34,965 --> 00:45:35,966
- Good plan.
1031
00:45:37,267 --> 00:45:38,769
- Indubit-bitably.
1032
00:45:40,003 --> 00:45:41,672
(Skip laughs)
1033
00:45:41,705 --> 00:45:43,707
- Hello, American men.
1034
00:45:43,740 --> 00:45:46,443
Each day up on your 24-hour news channel
1035
00:45:46,477 --> 00:45:49,513
you see hundreds of fundamentalist women.
1036
00:45:49,546 --> 00:45:52,549
But oh, no, you don't see them at all.
1037
00:45:52,583 --> 00:45:54,051
No worries.
1038
00:45:54,084 --> 00:45:57,654
Ajmal is here, and Ajmal know what men want to see.
1039
00:45:57,688 --> 00:46:02,459
Ajmal Kadivay present "Fundamentalist Girls Gone Wild!"
1040
00:46:02,493 --> 00:46:04,661
These hot fundamentalist ladies
1041
00:46:04,695 --> 00:46:08,065
are showing it all for the pleasure of men who buy videotape
1042
00:46:08,098 --> 00:46:11,034
because these bitches be high on the hookah.
1043
00:46:11,068 --> 00:46:12,603
- Hookah hookah hoookah pipe!
1044
00:46:12,636 --> 00:46:16,440
- Yes, you get cheek, you get forehead, you get chin,
1045
00:46:16,473 --> 00:46:20,210
You get nose, and you get plenty of sexy, happy, mouth.
1046
00:46:20,244 --> 00:46:21,812
(woman ululates)
1047
00:46:21,845 --> 00:46:25,949
For to see the eyes of such lovely women is too hot for TV.
1048
00:46:25,983 --> 00:46:28,118
You got to order tape from Ajmal.
1049
00:46:28,152 --> 00:46:30,954
And if you call right now, you're also going to get
1050
00:46:30,988 --> 00:46:33,924
"Fundamentalist Voyeur Fantasy."
1051
00:46:33,957 --> 00:46:37,060
Remember, fellas, these hot broads are the property of
1052
00:46:38,228 --> 00:46:40,297
other men, but you can sneak a peek
1053
00:46:40,330 --> 00:46:44,768
at sexy, sultry wrists and ankles, and nobody gonna know.
1054
00:46:44,801 --> 00:46:49,807
So that means two hot and happy videotapes for price of one.
1055
00:46:50,407 --> 00:46:51,608
- Hot and happy.
1056
00:46:51,642 --> 00:46:55,112
- Ajmal been to America, and Ajmal understand,
1057
00:46:55,145 --> 00:46:58,982
American sluts show filthy tit and butts all day long,
1058
00:46:59,016 --> 00:47:01,652
so it's no big deal to see anymore.
1059
00:47:01,685 --> 00:47:06,657
But fundamentalist ladies, you know this very, very special
1060
00:47:06,690 --> 00:47:08,425
for you to see.
1061
00:47:08,458 --> 00:47:10,861
This tape hot as camel's balls.
1062
00:47:10,894 --> 00:47:11,695
- Camel's balls.
1063
00:47:11,728 --> 00:47:13,497
- [Women] Camel's balls!
1064
00:47:13,530 --> 00:47:14,998
- Ajmal just dub a new batch
1065
00:47:15,032 --> 00:47:17,701
of top-quality tape from Talmart!
1066
00:47:17,734 --> 00:47:19,570
I wait for your order now!
1067
00:47:19,603 --> 00:47:22,439
(women screaming)
1068
00:47:26,410 --> 00:47:30,948
- It's sort of an upside-down Q, some squiggly lines,
1069
00:47:30,981 --> 00:47:32,583
something that looks like a IUD.
1070
00:47:34,218 --> 00:47:35,052
- A four?
1071
00:47:36,253 --> 00:47:38,188
- Oh, hell.
1072
00:47:38,222 --> 00:47:41,158
(narrator snaps fingers)
1073
00:47:41,191 --> 00:47:44,661
- Wow, that is so cool!
1074
00:47:45,863 --> 00:47:46,697
- I'm good.
1075
00:47:48,532 --> 00:47:50,801
- We got to get these guys out of here.
1076
00:47:50,834 --> 00:47:52,636
Tell me you got something, Gouda.
1077
00:47:52,669 --> 00:47:56,673
- Okay, we open with highway fatalities.
1078
00:47:56,707 --> 00:47:59,109
Segue into public health costs.
1079
00:47:59,142 --> 00:48:01,411
- Do a section on pot as a gateway drug.
1080
00:48:01,445 --> 00:48:03,947
- Gateway drug, I like it.
1081
00:48:03,981 --> 00:48:06,583
- Mm-hmm, then we end with the loss of productivity
1082
00:48:07,484 --> 00:48:09,553
and the demise of civilization.
1083
00:48:09,586 --> 00:48:11,388
- Perfect, brilliant!
1084
00:48:11,421 --> 00:48:12,256
- I concur.
1085
00:48:13,724 --> 00:48:16,727
- Hey, these brownies are really good.
1086
00:48:16,760 --> 00:48:17,628
- [Debaters] Mm-hmm.
1087
00:48:18,862 --> 00:48:20,664
- Who brought them? - I don't know.
1088
00:48:22,466 --> 00:48:24,901
(gong rings)
1089
00:48:27,804 --> 00:48:29,406
- Thought we'd contribute a little something
1090
00:48:29,439 --> 00:48:30,440
to the barbecue.
1091
00:48:31,642 --> 00:48:32,843
- You didn't.
1092
00:48:32,876 --> 00:48:34,344
- You guys have such nice opinions
1093
00:48:34,378 --> 00:48:35,912
about something you don't do.
1094
00:48:35,946 --> 00:48:37,848
Thought a little personal experience
1095
00:48:37,881 --> 00:48:40,584
might help you redefine your strategy.
1096
00:48:40,617 --> 00:48:42,419
(spooky music)
1097
00:48:42,452 --> 00:48:43,287
Boo!
1098
00:48:43,320 --> 00:48:45,956
(debaters screaming)
1099
00:48:45,989 --> 00:48:49,293
(rock music) (debaters panicking)
1100
00:48:49,326 --> 00:48:50,160
- No! no!
1101
00:48:51,595 --> 00:48:52,596
Bad brownie!
1102
00:48:56,300 --> 00:48:57,200
- Why? - Ah!
1103
00:49:00,237 --> 00:49:01,738
♪ The shape was gone ♪
1104
00:49:01,772 --> 00:49:05,175
♪ There were lazy people hanging all over the place ♪
1105
00:49:05,208 --> 00:49:08,111
- So Johnny Buskett's gonna sit there and tell me,
1106
00:49:08,145 --> 00:49:12,015
Thomas, that he's never used performance-enhancing drugs?
1107
00:49:12,049 --> 00:49:12,916
- Never, Tommy.
1108
00:49:12,950 --> 00:49:14,651
- Thomas, ever?
1109
00:49:14,685 --> 00:49:16,019
- T, what'd I say?
1110
00:49:17,120 --> 00:49:19,589
- What'd I say, Thomas, Buskett, okay?
1111
00:49:19,623 --> 00:49:21,458
- Let me tell you something, T.
1112
00:49:21,491 --> 00:49:24,995
Weed is not a performance-enhancing drug, all right.
1113
00:49:25,028 --> 00:49:26,797
The only way weed is gonna enhance
1114
00:49:26,830 --> 00:49:29,266
Johnny Buskett's performance is if they start
1115
00:49:29,299 --> 00:49:31,802
sprinkling chocolate chip cookies in the end zone.
1116
00:49:31,835 --> 00:49:34,538
- Aha, so you admit to some form of drug abuse,
1117
00:49:34,571 --> 00:49:35,706
don't you, Buskett?
1118
00:49:35,739 --> 00:49:37,841
- Listen, T, you ever hear of Vicodin?
1119
00:49:37,874 --> 00:49:39,276
You ever hear of Codeine?
1120
00:49:39,309 --> 00:49:41,878
Man, those are gateway drugs, come on.
1121
00:49:41,912 --> 00:49:44,214
- I got five words for you, JB, all right, five words,
1122
00:49:44,247 --> 00:49:46,149
one for every suspension.
1123
00:49:46,183 --> 00:49:49,553
Marijuana, class one illegal drug.
1124
00:49:49,586 --> 00:49:52,022
- Oh, don't sing illegal to me.
1125
00:49:52,055 --> 00:49:53,924
Isn't teenage drinking illegal?
1126
00:49:53,957 --> 00:49:55,092
'Cause that's how I remember
1127
00:49:55,125 --> 00:49:56,626
when the Bush twins were doing it,
1128
00:49:56,660 --> 00:49:58,595
they ain't go to jail, they got a Girls Gone Wild video.
1129
00:49:58,628 --> 00:49:59,563
- This is not about the Bush twins,
1130
00:49:59,596 --> 00:50:01,198
this is about Johnny Buskett.
1131
00:50:01,231 --> 00:50:02,999
- That's right, and Johnny Buskett
1132
00:50:03,033 --> 00:50:05,001
ain't doing cocaine, all right?
1133
00:50:05,035 --> 00:50:08,004
I am Johnny Buskett, not Darryl Strawberry.
1134
00:50:08,038 --> 00:50:10,607
After getting abused all Sunday afternoon,
1135
00:50:10,640 --> 00:50:12,576
there ain't nothing wrong with going home,
1136
00:50:12,609 --> 00:50:15,312
firing up a blunt, breaking out the Cristal.
1137
00:50:15,345 --> 00:50:19,049
Gets me in the mood for my life and my wife.
1138
00:50:19,082 --> 00:50:20,517
- Oh, I guess your wife, huh?
1139
00:50:20,550 --> 00:50:23,754
You haven't heard about marijuana maybe
1140
00:50:23,787 --> 00:50:27,657
being linked to impotence, have ya, JB, hmm?
1141
00:50:27,691 --> 00:50:32,229
- Man, I don't know what kind of weed you been smoking.
1142
00:50:32,262 --> 00:50:35,465
Maybe you need to check on some legally prescribed Viagra,
1143
00:50:35,499 --> 00:50:39,536
'cause Johnny ain't never had no problem with his Buskett.
1144
00:50:39,569 --> 00:50:41,872
Now, somebody get this boy laid.
1145
00:50:41,905 --> 00:50:44,474
(upbeat music)
1146
00:50:47,811 --> 00:50:49,413
- Thanks for joining us.
1147
00:50:49,446 --> 00:50:51,448
Today, I'll be addressing some of your letters
1148
00:50:51,481 --> 00:50:54,184
about the measurements we deal with on the show.
1149
00:50:54,217 --> 00:50:56,620
Now, if you're preparing an overdose
1150
00:50:56,653 --> 00:51:00,390
using schedule one drugs, it's not so much the ingredients,
1151
00:51:00,424 --> 00:51:03,593
but the amounts you want to be mindful of.
1152
00:51:03,627 --> 00:51:07,197
Feast your eyes on these delicious spices of life.
1153
00:51:07,230 --> 00:51:10,400
These are for my own personal canned preserves.
1154
00:51:10,434 --> 00:51:12,369
Now, if you want to create a memorable
1155
00:51:12,402 --> 00:51:16,239
barbecue overdose of cocaine, we always say,
1156
00:51:16,273 --> 00:51:19,543
"less than a pinch will do the trick."
1157
00:51:19,576 --> 00:51:23,280
An overdose can call for as little as 25 milligrams.
1158
00:51:24,748 --> 00:51:25,582
Toot.
1159
00:51:27,017 --> 00:51:30,654
A good way to remember is to think of a cornflake.
1160
00:51:36,593 --> 00:51:38,061
Mmm.
1161
00:51:38,095 --> 00:51:40,697
Now, I know some of you have tried overdose recipes
1162
00:51:40,730 --> 00:51:44,501
using brown sugar, not that kind of brown sugar.
1163
00:51:44,534 --> 00:51:46,470
This kind of brown sugar.
1164
00:51:46,503 --> 00:51:49,906
Now, this is my own homegrown afghani heroin,
1165
00:51:49,940 --> 00:51:53,643
but you can use black tar, china white,
1166
00:51:53,677 --> 00:51:56,313
or some brown sugar from your local skag dealer.
1167
00:52:01,351 --> 00:52:03,053
Now, that's a good thing.
1168
00:52:04,721 --> 00:52:07,390
Remember, a little goes a long way
1169
00:52:07,424 --> 00:52:09,226
when you're chasing the dragon.
1170
00:52:10,760 --> 00:52:13,396
An overdose can come as cheaply as 80 milligraMs.
1171
00:52:13,430 --> 00:52:15,832
Now, remember, a good way to eyeball this
1172
00:52:15,866 --> 00:52:18,301
is to look at the markings on a syringe.
1173
00:52:18,335 --> 00:52:20,937
It's equal to about the weight of half a peanut.
1174
00:52:22,038 --> 00:52:25,909
I like to put a little H in anything.
1175
00:52:25,942 --> 00:52:27,611
I could have it by itself,
1176
00:52:27,644 --> 00:52:31,114
or with a little melted butter on movie night.
1177
00:52:31,147 --> 00:52:33,049
Oh, I'm a heroin junkie.
1178
00:52:37,654 --> 00:52:41,324
Remember, our federal government reserves schedule one
1179
00:52:41,358 --> 00:52:44,694
for the most toxic illegal drugs.
1180
00:52:44,728 --> 00:52:46,463
One would think with these substances
1181
00:52:46,496 --> 00:52:49,432
that an overdose was easy to prepare.
1182
00:52:49,466 --> 00:52:51,635
That's why I think this last ingredient
1183
00:52:51,668 --> 00:52:53,670
shouldn't be in here at all.
1184
00:52:53,703 --> 00:52:57,974
For a marijuana overdose, we'd need to prepare over
1185
00:52:58,008 --> 00:53:01,978
1,500 pounds of marijuana serve it smoked
1186
00:53:02,012 --> 00:53:05,682
in under 15 minutes. (chuckles)
1187
00:53:05,715 --> 00:53:07,784
Now, that would be a fatty.
1188
00:53:09,319 --> 00:53:13,189
In fact, that's enough marijuana to equal the weight
1189
00:53:13,223 --> 00:53:17,460
of these seven gorgeous hunks of man meat from the DEA.
1190
00:53:18,762 --> 00:53:21,698
Or about a quarter million pot brownies.
1191
00:53:21,731 --> 00:53:23,300
Oh, never mind the overdose.
1192
00:53:23,333 --> 00:53:26,102
That would be murder on the thighs.
1193
00:53:26,136 --> 00:53:30,140
No es bueno. (laughs)
1194
00:53:30,173 --> 00:53:32,509
Now, with portions that size,
1195
00:53:32,542 --> 00:53:34,911
marijuana just doesn't seem as dangerous
1196
00:53:34,945 --> 00:53:37,614
as these other schedule one drugs.
1197
00:53:37,647 --> 00:53:40,016
But I'm sure they have a reason.
1198
00:53:40,050 --> 00:53:41,751
I'm not one to question things,
1199
00:53:41,785 --> 00:53:43,987
especially not our government.
1200
00:53:44,020 --> 00:53:46,656
That would make me a traitor.
1201
00:53:46,690 --> 00:53:49,059
Thanks for joining us, we'll see you next week.
1202
00:53:51,294 --> 00:53:52,829
- Come on, man.
1203
00:53:52,862 --> 00:53:54,130
Do it again, do it again.
1204
00:53:55,665 --> 00:53:57,300
- [Narrator] "There is no evidence
1205
00:53:57,334 --> 00:54:01,638
that marijuana serves as a stepping-stone to other drug use.
1206
00:54:01,671 --> 00:54:04,174
In fact, most drug users
1207
00:54:04,207 --> 00:54:06,910
do not begin their drug use with marijuana.
1208
00:54:06,943 --> 00:54:09,446
They begin with alcohol and nicotine."
1209
00:54:10,914 --> 00:54:12,415
National Academy of Sciences.
1210
00:54:15,085 --> 00:54:17,120
- Wow, that is so cool.
1211
00:54:24,694 --> 00:54:27,063
- Went to Amsterdam.
1212
00:54:27,097 --> 00:54:29,699
You might not know that they have stuff in Amsterdam
1213
00:54:30,834 --> 00:54:33,236
that's legal that's not legal here.
1214
00:54:34,371 --> 00:54:38,208
Little things like weed and prostitutes.
1215
00:54:39,342 --> 00:54:40,577
I don't know how you feel about those things,
1216
00:54:40,610 --> 00:54:41,945
but you know what they say.
1217
00:54:41,978 --> 00:54:43,046
"When in Rome
1218
00:54:45,315 --> 00:54:46,716
go to Amsterdam."
1219
00:54:46,750 --> 00:54:48,451
(audience laughs)
1220
00:54:48,485 --> 00:54:51,821
(acoustic guitar music)
1221
00:54:53,723 --> 00:54:55,358
- What's wrong, man?
1222
00:54:55,392 --> 00:54:57,661
- Dude, I think I see Hall & Oates.
1223
00:55:00,530 --> 00:55:03,166
♪ Oh, here she comes ♪
1224
00:55:03,199 --> 00:55:06,069
♪ Watch out boy, she'll chew you up ♪
1225
00:55:06,102 --> 00:55:07,737
- I do, I see Hall & Oates.
1226
00:55:07,771 --> 00:55:10,573
♪ Oh, oh, here she comes, she's a man eater ♪
1227
00:55:10,607 --> 00:55:12,275
- It's Hall & Oates.
1228
00:55:15,412 --> 00:55:17,747
- Man, you ever break your weed scale?
1229
00:55:17,781 --> 00:55:19,716
(audience laughs)
1230
00:55:19,749 --> 00:55:22,152
And have to go to the store and weigh your shit?
1231
00:55:23,887 --> 00:55:26,656
All up in Safeway trying to act natural.
1232
00:55:26,690 --> 00:55:29,526
(audience laughs)
1233
00:55:33,029 --> 00:55:35,398
Sometimes, I wish I sold weed, you know,
1234
00:55:35,432 --> 00:55:37,534
'cause I would revolutionize the industry.
1235
00:55:38,968 --> 00:55:43,073
Seriously, man, 'cause I would combine weed with snacks.
1236
00:55:43,106 --> 00:55:44,708
(audience laughs)
1237
00:55:44,741 --> 00:55:45,942
This is how it would go,
1238
00:55:45,975 --> 00:55:48,244
some guy, you know, he buys an eighth.
1239
00:55:49,679 --> 00:55:50,480
And all of a sudden, he's looking, and he's like,
1240
00:55:50,513 --> 00:55:51,948
"hold on, Red.
1241
00:55:53,349 --> 00:55:55,719
Now, what's this stuff mixed in with the weed?"
1242
00:55:57,554 --> 00:55:59,723
"Those are pretzels, man."
1243
00:55:59,756 --> 00:56:02,525
(audience laughs)
1244
00:56:02,559 --> 00:56:04,761
I have a little bible in my back pocket,
1245
00:56:04,794 --> 00:56:07,063
and it's not because I'm religious.
1246
00:56:07,097 --> 00:56:08,565
Man, fuck that.
1247
00:56:08,598 --> 00:56:09,833
If they didn't want you to roll joints with the bible,
1248
00:56:09,866 --> 00:56:12,368
they wouldn't have left those last pages blank.
1249
00:56:12,402 --> 00:56:14,571
(audience laughs)
1250
00:56:14,604 --> 00:56:18,575
- Said it's like a burrito kinda. (laughs)
1251
00:56:18,608 --> 00:56:19,442
- What?
1252
00:56:20,376 --> 00:56:22,879
(Doug laughs)
1253
00:56:24,447 --> 00:56:26,583
- How would you like a toke of my Big Bambu?
1254
00:56:26,616 --> 00:56:27,784
- Ooh!
1255
00:56:27,817 --> 00:56:30,120
Bambu rolling papers, that's how I roll.
1256
00:56:30,153 --> 00:56:32,055
- (sniffs) Oh, yeah!
1257
00:56:32,088 --> 00:56:34,791
That's some good shit rolled up in that herb.
1258
00:56:34,824 --> 00:56:36,025
Double wide!
1259
00:56:36,059 --> 00:56:38,261
- I have to reconcile smoking pot
1260
00:56:38,294 --> 00:56:39,796
now that I have fucking kids
1261
00:56:39,829 --> 00:56:42,832
and I'm trying to learn from that.
1262
00:56:42,866 --> 00:56:44,200
I watched that commercial,
1263
00:56:44,234 --> 00:56:45,435
you seen that fucking commercial
1264
00:56:45,468 --> 00:56:47,804
where the dad goes in his teenage son's room.
1265
00:56:49,205 --> 00:56:51,007
Brings a joint in, he's like, "where'd you get this?
1266
00:56:51,040 --> 00:56:52,942
Where'd you get this?"
1267
00:56:52,976 --> 00:56:54,344
Remember what the kid says?
1268
00:56:54,377 --> 00:56:55,879
"It's yours, dad.
1269
00:56:55,912 --> 00:56:57,680
I got it from you!"
1270
00:56:57,714 --> 00:56:58,782
(audience laughs)
1271
00:56:58,815 --> 00:57:00,016
If I was the dad, I'd be like,
1272
00:57:00,049 --> 00:57:02,018
"well, give it back, you fucking thief.
1273
00:57:02,051 --> 00:57:03,253
(audience laughs)
1274
00:57:03,286 --> 00:57:05,188
I'll take my needles too."
1275
00:57:05,221 --> 00:57:07,090
(audience laughs)
1276
00:57:07,123 --> 00:57:08,024
(folk music)
1277
00:57:08,057 --> 00:57:11,861
(guests cheering and laughing)
1278
00:57:15,365 --> 00:57:18,201
(water splashing)
1279
00:57:21,204 --> 00:57:24,374
♪ All my friends are stoners ♪
1280
00:57:24,407 --> 00:57:28,378
♪ Lighting up all of the time ♪
1281
00:57:28,411 --> 00:57:32,015
♪ Everybody has a mason jar ♪
1282
00:57:32,048 --> 00:57:35,952
♪ Can you guess what I put in mine? ♪
1283
00:57:35,985 --> 00:57:39,823
♪ We all go to Jamaica ♪
1284
00:57:39,856 --> 00:57:43,693
♪ Once or twice a year ♪
1285
00:57:43,726 --> 00:57:47,630
♪ To smoke big blunts with a Rasta man ♪
1286
00:57:47,664 --> 00:57:51,801
♪ And drink ice-cold Red Stripe beers ♪
1287
00:57:51,835 --> 00:57:55,672
♪ All my friends are stoners ♪
1288
00:57:55,705 --> 00:57:59,442
♪ We sit around and get fried ♪
1289
00:57:59,475 --> 00:58:03,046
♪ We're asking the president to legalize it ♪
1290
00:58:03,079 --> 00:58:07,283
♪ So the whole wide world can get high ♪
1291
00:58:07,317 --> 00:58:10,420
- Hi, boy, I would like to get up in the both of them, huh?
1292
00:58:10,453 --> 00:58:12,722
I would tear that putty up.
1293
00:58:12,755 --> 00:58:14,357
- Oh, the things I could do to those girls.
1294
00:58:14,390 --> 00:58:17,193
- You wouldn't know what to do.
1295
00:58:17,227 --> 00:58:19,262
- Hey, I know how to eat.
1296
00:58:20,597 --> 00:58:21,998
And I got the munchies.
1297
00:58:22,031 --> 00:58:24,634
- That's a good point, I have no counter.
1298
00:58:24,667 --> 00:58:26,803
Look, look, look, look, they're debating.
1299
00:58:27,937 --> 00:58:31,441
- No way, you are, like, so high!
1300
00:58:31,474 --> 00:58:33,476
- Please, you do not have a clue.
1301
00:58:34,644 --> 00:58:36,112
- About what?
1302
00:58:36,145 --> 00:58:39,249
- The difference between a Brazilian wax over a Hitler?
1303
00:58:39,282 --> 00:58:40,216
(Gouda laughs)
1304
00:58:40,250 --> 00:58:41,517
- Hitler? huh?
1305
00:58:41,551 --> 00:58:43,052
- The little mustache, they trim it, it's--
1306
00:58:43,086 --> 00:58:44,754
- The mustache, the little, the little!
1307
00:58:44,787 --> 00:58:46,823
- Look, Heisenberg's uncertainty principle
1308
00:58:46,856 --> 00:58:49,826
clearly illustrates that one singular electron
1309
00:58:49,859 --> 00:58:51,995
can, indeed, be tracked to two distinct locations
1310
00:58:52,028 --> 00:58:54,063
at the exact same instant.
1311
00:58:54,097 --> 00:58:56,799
Thus, laid the foundation for quantum physics.
1312
00:58:56,833 --> 00:58:59,936
- Please, we're not talking a singular subatomic particle.
1313
00:58:59,969 --> 00:59:02,472
We're talking about multicellular organisms
1314
00:59:02,505 --> 00:59:05,308
of mass and density, and therefore,
1315
00:59:05,341 --> 00:59:07,076
your theory on quantum physics
1316
00:59:07,110 --> 00:59:10,013
is about as limp as the pre-Viagra landscape.
1317
00:59:10,046 --> 00:59:12,949
- Nuh-uh! (laughs)
1318
00:59:14,017 --> 00:59:15,652
- Hold still. ♪ We put it in our tea ♪
1319
00:59:15,685 --> 00:59:17,553
♪ We put it in our cake ♪
1320
00:59:17,587 --> 00:59:21,591
♪ We roll it up nice so we can get baked ♪
1321
00:59:21,624 --> 00:59:25,395
♪ We just can't seem to get our fill ♪
1322
00:59:25,428 --> 00:59:29,432
♪ We're wasting away in Marijuanaville ♪
1323
00:59:29,465 --> 00:59:33,002
♪ All of my friends are stoners ♪
1324
00:59:33,036 --> 00:59:37,140
♪ We sit around and get fried ♪
1325
00:59:37,173 --> 00:59:40,643
♪ We're asking the president to legalize it ♪
1326
00:59:40,677 --> 00:59:44,948
♪ So the whole wide world can get high ♪
1327
00:59:44,981 --> 00:59:46,382
- So Jesus says to god,
1328
00:59:46,416 --> 00:59:48,751
"man, I'm fried, I'm beat, I am whooped!"
1329
00:59:48,785 --> 00:59:50,153
God says, "well, take a vacation,
1330
00:59:50,186 --> 00:59:51,487
go down to Earth for a while."
1331
00:59:51,521 --> 00:59:52,655
"All right."
1332
00:59:52,689 --> 00:59:54,057
Jesus goes down to Earth, he's hitchhiking.
1333
00:59:54,090 --> 00:59:55,725
Gets a ride with a trucker, gets in the cab.
1334
00:59:55,758 --> 00:59:57,060
They're going down the road.
1335
00:59:59,062 --> 01:00:00,630
Trucker says, "man, it's a little warm in here.
1336
01:00:00,663 --> 01:00:03,232
I got some Poland spring on ice, cold bottle of water?"
1337
01:00:03,266 --> 01:00:04,834
"Yeah, that sounds good, sure."
1338
01:00:11,007 --> 01:00:11,841
Down the road.
1339
01:00:13,710 --> 01:00:15,244
A few miles down the road, the trucker says, "you hungry?"
1340
01:00:15,278 --> 01:00:17,580
Jesus says, "I could eat."
1341
01:00:17,613 --> 01:00:20,116
"My wife makes fantastic tuna fish, tuna on rye,
1342
01:00:20,149 --> 01:00:22,485
lettuce, tomato, a little salt, pepper, you in?"
1343
01:00:22,518 --> 01:00:23,353
"Sounds good, sure."
1344
01:00:23,386 --> 01:00:24,954
"I'll give you half."
1345
01:00:28,224 --> 01:00:29,792
"Your wife makes excellent tuna fish."
1346
01:00:29,826 --> 01:00:31,227
"(scoffs) what'd I tell ya?"
1347
01:00:32,528 --> 01:00:33,529
Going down the road.
1348
01:00:35,832 --> 01:00:36,733
Few miles down the road, the trucker says,
1349
01:00:36,766 --> 01:00:38,668
"You want to smoke a joint?"
1350
01:00:38,701 --> 01:00:41,471
And Jesus is like, "I'm on vacation." (chuckles)
1351
01:00:41,504 --> 01:00:43,506
(audience laughs)
1352
01:00:43,539 --> 01:00:46,109
Trucker takes out a joint, sparks it up.
1353
01:00:51,381 --> 01:00:54,183
(audience laughs)
1354
01:00:57,687 --> 01:00:59,555
"You don't know who I am, do ya?"
1355
01:00:59,589 --> 01:01:01,190
Trucker says, "No."
1356
01:01:01,224 --> 01:01:02,458
He says, "I'm Jesus Christ.
1357
01:01:02,492 --> 01:01:04,761
I'm the Lord, the son of God, Jesus Christ."
1358
01:01:04,794 --> 01:01:07,196
The trucker says, "that's some good shit, ain't it?"
1359
01:01:07,230 --> 01:01:10,066
(audience laughs)
1360
01:01:10,967 --> 01:01:12,602
- They call me Count Smokula
1361
01:01:12,635 --> 01:01:15,705
because I'm the smokingest dude on the planet Earth,
1362
01:01:15,738 --> 01:01:18,207
and also because I'm from Smokesylvania.
1363
01:01:19,442 --> 01:01:22,011
- Marilize legaljuana.
1364
01:01:22,045 --> 01:01:25,581
- I'm doing my best to keep getting stoned
1365
01:01:26,983 --> 01:01:30,553
- 4:20, 4:20, it's a theme in the pot community.
1366
01:01:30,586 --> 01:01:34,090
♪ Everybody wants me to leave it alone ♪
1367
01:01:34,123 --> 01:01:35,558
- It's the pass code.
1368
01:01:37,960 --> 01:01:40,630
♪ See, I'm smart in my noodle ♪
1369
01:01:40,663 --> 01:01:43,433
♪ Especially when I get behoodled ♪
1370
01:01:43,466 --> 01:01:45,168
- Here it is again.
1371
01:01:45,201 --> 01:01:46,235
Did you get it?
1372
01:01:51,340 --> 01:01:52,308
- Rock and roll.
1373
01:01:53,810 --> 01:01:56,679
- So my roommate is also a stoner.
1374
01:01:56,712 --> 01:02:00,049
He likes to go to places where weed is a-plentiful
1375
01:02:00,083 --> 01:02:04,520
and then mail it to himself where it's less a-plentiful.
1376
01:02:05,955 --> 01:02:08,091
I'm not saying you should do that, but if you do,
1377
01:02:08,124 --> 01:02:10,293
don't put your own name on the package.
1378
01:02:11,761 --> 01:02:14,997
And don't put your roommate's name either, that's bullshit.
1379
01:02:15,031 --> 01:02:16,199
(audience laughs)
1380
01:02:16,232 --> 01:02:17,667
And if you're gonna make up a name,
1381
01:02:17,700 --> 01:02:20,636
be careful of the name that you make up, all right?
1382
01:02:20,670 --> 01:02:23,906
Smuggly McWeed. (audience laughs)
1383
01:02:23,940 --> 01:02:25,775
The most annoying part about my stoner roommate
1384
01:02:25,808 --> 01:02:27,110
is that he's always got to tell me
1385
01:02:27,143 --> 01:02:29,679
his stupid-ass stoner fun facts.
1386
01:02:30,746 --> 01:02:32,148
He finds out a fact
1387
01:02:32,181 --> 01:02:33,616
and thinks that he's the first person to ever know it,
1388
01:02:33,649 --> 01:02:36,419
and he's gotta run around telling everybody.
1389
01:02:36,452 --> 01:02:38,521
He's like, "hey, Dan, did you know that your head
1390
01:02:38,554 --> 01:02:40,623
is 20% of your body weight?"
1391
01:02:41,791 --> 01:02:44,627
And I wanted to check to see if he was right,
1392
01:02:44,660 --> 01:02:46,629
so I tried to weigh my head.
1393
01:02:48,197 --> 01:02:49,932
I don't know if you've tried that,
1394
01:02:49,966 --> 01:02:52,502
but you can't see how much it weighs.
1395
01:02:52,535 --> 01:02:53,736
(audience laughs)
1396
01:02:53,769 --> 01:02:55,738
Doesn't work, I just kept going.
1397
01:02:59,475 --> 01:03:02,211
(audience laughs)
1398
01:03:03,513 --> 01:03:04,347
Damn it!
1399
01:03:05,281 --> 01:03:08,451
(rock music)
1400
01:03:08,484 --> 01:03:10,620
- I'll be the Macho Enforcer!
1401
01:03:10,653 --> 01:03:12,655
- And I'll be Rock Hard Willie Johnson!
1402
01:03:12,688 --> 01:03:14,790
Gonna pound your ass, Macho!
1403
01:03:14,824 --> 01:03:16,425
- Oh, yeah, Rock Hard?
1404
01:03:16,459 --> 01:03:17,593
Let's get it on!
1405
01:03:18,461 --> 01:03:21,631
(intense music music)
1406
01:03:29,805 --> 01:03:31,340
- Boys! Boys!
1407
01:03:31,374 --> 01:03:34,277
Oh, no, you don't, not on my watch.
1408
01:03:34,310 --> 01:03:35,144
- Dad!
1409
01:03:36,445 --> 01:03:38,414
Uh, we were just messing around.
1410
01:03:38,447 --> 01:03:39,482
- I can see that.
1411
01:03:39,515 --> 01:03:41,384
Johnny, go home this instant.
1412
01:03:43,853 --> 01:03:46,756
As for you, mister, you're getting the bong.
1413
01:03:47,957 --> 01:03:49,525
- Okay.
1414
01:03:49,559 --> 01:03:54,564
- Honey, bring me my 5-foot matrix, pronto!
1415
01:03:55,698 --> 01:03:57,133
- By now you've heard the exciting news
1416
01:03:57,166 --> 01:04:00,903
that smoking pot cures most forms of homosexuality.
1417
01:04:00,937 --> 01:04:02,438
And I'm living proof.
1418
01:04:02,471 --> 01:04:06,375
I'm Reginald Stevens, and I used to be a flaming queen.
1419
01:04:06,409 --> 01:04:08,611
But after smoking ganja daily,
1420
01:04:08,644 --> 01:04:11,080
I'm as straight as Cher's pubes.
1421
01:04:11,113 --> 01:04:13,015
So think about it, moms and dads.
1422
01:04:13,049 --> 01:04:16,986
Do you want your boy smoking pot or smoking cock?
1423
01:04:18,621 --> 01:04:20,189
- I know where we stand.
1424
01:04:22,658 --> 01:04:25,494
- It's time to talk to your kids about marijuana
1425
01:04:25,528 --> 01:04:28,698
and vote yes on Prop. 420.
1426
01:04:28,731 --> 01:04:33,069
So light up, America, and put out the flame.
1427
01:04:33,102 --> 01:04:33,936
- And cut!
1428
01:04:35,338 --> 01:04:37,940
(bell ringing)
1429
01:04:44,380 --> 01:04:45,548
- Ugh!
1430
01:04:45,581 --> 01:04:46,949
- Is that true?
1431
01:04:46,983 --> 01:04:48,985
Pot really made you straight?
1432
01:04:49,018 --> 01:04:49,952
- Yeah.
1433
01:04:49,986 --> 01:04:51,120
- For how long?
1434
01:04:51,153 --> 01:04:52,521
- Since lunch, girl.
1435
01:04:52,555 --> 01:04:56,125
- Oh, you're terrible. - A girl's got to eat, Dwayne.
1436
01:04:56,158 --> 01:04:57,727
- Then there was that commercial, they're like,
1437
01:04:57,760 --> 01:04:58,961
"If you smoke pot,
1438
01:04:58,995 --> 01:05:01,564
you've helped murder families in Columbia."
1439
01:05:01,597 --> 01:05:03,699
And I'm just sitting at home going, "what?
1440
01:05:06,269 --> 01:05:09,071
I've never even been to Ohio, dude."
1441
01:05:09,105 --> 01:05:11,941
(audience laughs)
1442
01:05:16,512 --> 01:05:21,517
♪ Different tokes ♪ (audience cheers and applauds)
1443
01:05:22,718 --> 01:05:25,321
- Mark, Brian, would you dispose of this?
1444
01:05:25,354 --> 01:05:26,889
- Affirmative, ma'am.
1445
01:05:27,957 --> 01:05:29,492
- Exiting with the ganja.
1446
01:05:29,525 --> 01:05:33,462
(audience cheers and applauds)
1447
01:05:36,666 --> 01:05:38,334
- Are we in trouble?
1448
01:05:39,535 --> 01:05:40,970
- No, Mikey.
1449
01:05:41,003 --> 01:05:43,806
But if you keep messing with that stuff...
1450
01:05:45,641 --> 01:05:46,842
You sure will be.
1451
01:05:46,876 --> 01:05:49,111
- I didn't want to try it, Mrs. President.
1452
01:05:49,145 --> 01:05:51,080
I knew it was a bad idea.
1453
01:05:53,749 --> 01:05:55,685
- But did you know why, Mikey?
1454
01:05:57,286 --> 01:05:58,988
- No, not really.
1455
01:06:00,456 --> 01:06:04,560
- Marijuana is a drug, Mikey, and drugs are bad for people.
1456
01:06:04,593 --> 01:06:09,031
Smoking marijuana will get you put in jail,
1457
01:06:09,065 --> 01:06:10,866
give you brain damage,
1458
01:06:10,900 --> 01:06:14,136
and if you take one puff, you'll never be happy again.
1459
01:06:15,237 --> 01:06:18,441
- Like my real mama, the crack ho?
1460
01:06:18,474 --> 01:06:22,278
(audience laughs and applauds)
1461
01:06:22,311 --> 01:06:23,879
- Even worse than the crack ho.
1462
01:06:25,414 --> 01:06:27,983
Just say "not" to pot!
1463
01:06:28,017 --> 01:06:31,020
(audience applauds)
1464
01:06:35,524 --> 01:06:38,160
(audience cheers)
1465
01:06:38,194 --> 01:06:39,028
- Hey, Mikey.
1466
01:06:40,363 --> 01:06:41,764
- Hey, Todd.
1467
01:06:41,797 --> 01:06:43,766
The president's wife here was just telling me
1468
01:06:43,799 --> 01:06:45,501
all about marijuana.
1469
01:06:45,534 --> 01:06:47,203
- Well, it's not for kids.
1470
01:06:47,236 --> 01:06:49,805
Well, your age I mean.
1471
01:06:49,839 --> 01:06:51,173
But you know what?
1472
01:06:51,207 --> 01:06:52,908
If you want to try it when you're older,
1473
01:06:52,942 --> 01:06:55,177
think about it like it's ice cream.
1474
01:06:55,211 --> 01:06:57,279
It's a great treat. - We've got a code red!
1475
01:06:57,313 --> 01:07:00,216
- But too much of anything can make you feel icky.
1476
01:07:02,017 --> 01:07:05,521
- Actually, Todd, we were just discussing
1477
01:07:05,554 --> 01:07:09,558
how you should never use marijuana because it will kill you.
1478
01:07:09,592 --> 01:07:12,728
Therefore potheads are suicidal morons!
1479
01:07:12,762 --> 01:07:14,263
(audience laughs)
1480
01:07:14,296 --> 01:07:15,064
- Really?
1481
01:07:15,097 --> 01:07:16,265
- Mm-hmm.
1482
01:07:16,298 --> 01:07:17,266
- 'Cause that's not what my pro-pot
1483
01:07:17,299 --> 01:07:19,268
republican friend, Craig X says.
1484
01:07:19,301 --> 01:07:22,037
- Just to introduce myself, this is Reverend Craig X
1485
01:07:22,071 --> 01:07:24,473
from Temple 420, the General Farmer,
1486
01:07:24,507 --> 01:07:26,509
out here fighting the good fight
1487
01:07:26,542 --> 01:07:28,978
in this civil war we call the drug war.
1488
01:07:29,011 --> 01:07:30,913
And whether it's, like, a Jewish wedding
1489
01:07:30,946 --> 01:07:33,048
or a Christian wedding, we turn it around.
1490
01:07:33,082 --> 01:07:35,484
Here's the christian side, it could be a podium,
1491
01:07:35,518 --> 01:07:37,219
There's the Jewish side.
1492
01:07:37,253 --> 01:07:38,888
And what's so great about temple 420
1493
01:07:38,921 --> 01:07:40,423
is you don't have to lie.
1494
01:07:40,456 --> 01:07:43,125
You don't have to go, "Oh, dude, I'm sick, I need weed."
1495
01:07:43,159 --> 01:07:45,761
Now you can say, "hey, I love the Lord,
1496
01:07:45,795 --> 01:07:47,630
and I think cannabis is a sacrament."
1497
01:07:47,663 --> 01:07:50,499
This is a spiritual inhalation device.
1498
01:07:50,533 --> 01:07:54,737
We pack our bowl with the sacramental herb,
1499
01:07:54,770 --> 01:07:56,839
the burning bush, and then we burn it,
1500
01:07:56,872 --> 01:07:59,341
filtering it through a water filtration system,
1501
01:07:59,375 --> 01:08:01,010
and this is a pull stem.
1502
01:08:01,043 --> 01:08:04,447
"And that every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air
1503
01:08:04,480 --> 01:08:06,449
and everything that creepeth upon the earth
1504
01:08:06,482 --> 01:08:07,917
wherein there is life.
1505
01:08:07,950 --> 01:08:10,586
I have given you every green herb from me."
1506
01:08:10,619 --> 01:08:12,721
God bless, amen, I'm outta here.
1507
01:08:13,756 --> 01:08:16,892
- Craig. (audience cheers)
1508
01:08:19,094 --> 01:08:22,031
- Actually, Mrs. President, even the long-term smoking,
1509
01:08:22,064 --> 01:08:24,266
the daily long-term smoking of marijuana
1510
01:08:24,300 --> 01:08:27,169
doesn't lead to long-term damage to the brain.
1511
01:08:27,203 --> 01:08:28,471
The studies that show it leads
1512
01:08:28,504 --> 01:08:31,207
to short-term loss of memory are false.
1513
01:08:31,240 --> 01:08:32,775
What the study actually was,
1514
01:08:32,808 --> 01:08:34,376
was they were giving a rhesus monkey
1515
01:08:34,410 --> 01:08:37,646
with a tiny, little head a quarter pound of marijuana
1516
01:08:37,680 --> 01:08:38,881
to smoke in an hour.
1517
01:08:38,914 --> 01:08:40,316
Even I'd pass out.
1518
01:08:40,349 --> 01:08:42,017
The fact is, a lot of intellectuals,
1519
01:08:42,051 --> 01:08:44,053
including astronomer Carl Sagan
1520
01:08:44,086 --> 01:08:46,455
and conservative pundit William F. Buckley
1521
01:08:46,489 --> 01:08:47,823
are both pro pot.
1522
01:08:47,857 --> 01:08:49,024
(audience applauds)
1523
01:08:49,058 --> 01:08:49,959
- well, Mikey, it just goes to show you,
1524
01:08:49,992 --> 01:08:51,560
you can always find a whack job
1525
01:08:51,594 --> 01:08:53,996
to back up any kind of hooey. (chuckles)
1526
01:08:54,029 --> 01:08:56,131
But facts are facts, and smoking marijuana
1527
01:08:56,165 --> 01:08:58,334
leads to harder, more dangerous drugs.
1528
01:08:58,367 --> 01:09:02,338
- Your harder drugs theory doesn't really apply.
1529
01:09:02,371 --> 01:09:04,006
- Well, it kills your immune system,
1530
01:09:04,039 --> 01:09:06,475
and the way you hippie communists smoke it
1531
01:09:06,509 --> 01:09:08,043
makes it 400 times more likely
1532
01:09:08,077 --> 01:09:10,579
to lead to cancer than tobacco!
1533
01:09:10,613 --> 01:09:12,381
- Well, anytime you consume
1534
01:09:12,414 --> 01:09:15,751
a non-completely-combusted hydrocarbonate it's carcinogenic.
1535
01:09:15,784 --> 01:09:17,720
But marijuana is medicine,
1536
01:09:17,753 --> 01:09:19,822
or why else would doctors be prescribing it
1537
01:09:19,855 --> 01:09:21,857
to people with cancer and AIDS?
1538
01:09:21,891 --> 01:09:24,593
- Well, Mr. Smartass, why don't you just take all
1539
01:09:24,627 --> 01:09:27,296
your fucking facts and figures to Amsterdam, hmm?
1540
01:09:27,329 --> 01:09:29,598
- Okay, the first lady just said, "fuck."
1541
01:09:29,632 --> 01:09:31,367
- Those godless faggots legalized pot.
1542
01:09:31,400 --> 01:09:32,835
You know what happened to them?
1543
01:09:32,868 --> 01:09:34,703
- Yeah, better call GLAAD
1544
01:09:34,737 --> 01:09:36,972
and tell 'em she said "maggot," not "faggot."
1545
01:09:37,006 --> 01:09:39,909
- Nothing but dope fiends and taxes through the roof!
1546
01:09:41,410 --> 01:09:42,878
- Are you drunk?
1547
01:09:42,912 --> 01:09:43,812
(audience cheers)
1548
01:09:43,846 --> 01:09:45,080
- Listen, you little punk!
1549
01:09:45,114 --> 01:09:46,582
I'm the goddamn leader of the free world,
1550
01:09:46,615 --> 01:09:48,551
and when I drink, it's to relax and have fun!
1551
01:09:48,584 --> 01:09:50,286
Not like you reefer addicts
1552
01:09:50,319 --> 01:09:51,787
that are out smoking and getting high!
1553
01:09:51,820 --> 01:09:53,489
I am the president's wife, and I am in charge here,
1554
01:09:53,522 --> 01:09:56,392
and it's my way or the highway!
1555
01:09:57,326 --> 01:09:58,627
You know, this is funny shit.
1556
01:09:58,661 --> 01:09:59,995
Where are my laughs?
1557
01:10:01,397 --> 01:10:03,632
- The first lady's been mixing Vicodin and scotch again.
1558
01:10:03,666 --> 01:10:04,567
Ma'am!
1559
01:10:04,600 --> 01:10:06,035
Give me all the goddamn tape!
1560
01:10:06,068 --> 01:10:07,870
- Mrs. President! - Code bitch, code bitch!
1561
01:10:07,903 --> 01:10:08,904
I want all the tape!
1562
01:10:08,938 --> 01:10:10,139
I want all those tapes!
1563
01:10:10,172 --> 01:10:12,608
- I know how to make people disappear!
1564
01:10:12,641 --> 01:10:14,310
(secret service shouting)
1565
01:10:14,343 --> 01:10:15,578
It's too early for bed!
1566
01:10:15,611 --> 01:10:16,545
(audience cheers and applauds)
1567
01:10:16,579 --> 01:10:18,347
I don't want to go to bed!
1568
01:10:18,380 --> 01:10:19,582
- Ma'am, ma'am, put your legs together.
1569
01:10:19,615 --> 01:10:21,584
- Just say "not" to pot!
1570
01:10:21,617 --> 01:10:23,886
- They can see your panties, ma'am.
1571
01:10:23,919 --> 01:10:26,388
(Mrs. President shouting)
1572
01:10:26,422 --> 01:10:29,959
- "My, (laughs) god damn, buddy.
1573
01:10:29,992 --> 01:10:32,761
That is some good weed you got there."
1574
01:10:32,795 --> 01:10:35,497
He said, "yeah, Doug and Sue gave me an ounce of this.
1575
01:10:35,531 --> 01:10:40,302
It's for my wedding gift, it's from Nepal, N-E-P-A-L."
1576
01:10:41,604 --> 01:10:44,340
Nepal's a little country between India and China.
1577
01:10:44,373 --> 01:10:45,874
It's where the Himalayan Mountains are,
1578
01:10:45,908 --> 01:10:48,744
and in Nepal, marijuana's been legal
1579
01:10:48,777 --> 01:10:53,749
for a little over 5,000 years of recorded history,
1580
01:10:54,817 --> 01:10:56,485
and they're out there
1581
01:10:56,518 --> 01:10:58,887
talking to god with this shit, all right,
1582
01:10:58,921 --> 01:11:01,423
and my best friend's got an ounce of it.
1583
01:11:01,457 --> 01:11:05,828
So we roll one skinny, little, toothpick-size number
1584
01:11:05,861 --> 01:11:07,696
of that Nepalese weed.
1585
01:11:07,730 --> 01:11:10,599
The first hit on the number,
1586
01:11:10,633 --> 01:11:14,169
my wife hits the ground in her formal dress.
1587
01:11:16,005 --> 01:11:18,641
(audience laughs)
1588
01:11:18,674 --> 01:11:20,409
Here, here, give me that.
1589
01:11:20,442 --> 01:11:21,510
(audience laughs)
1590
01:11:21,543 --> 01:11:22,611
Give me that.
1591
01:11:29,551 --> 01:11:31,654
I tell you, that's some good shit, isn't it?
1592
01:11:31,687 --> 01:11:33,222
- [Interviewer] You have a cat?
1593
01:11:33,255 --> 01:11:34,256
- Yeah, I have a cat.
1594
01:11:34,290 --> 01:11:35,824
This is his litter box.
1595
01:11:35,858 --> 01:11:37,326
Reefer!
1596
01:11:37,359 --> 01:11:38,694
I'll inhale and shit, and he just stands there, and, like,
1597
01:11:38,727 --> 01:11:41,130
it's obvious that he likes reefer.
1598
01:11:41,163 --> 01:11:42,965
Where's, come here, I'll show Reefer.
1599
01:11:45,901 --> 01:11:48,671
Come on, Reefer, meow meow, Reefer!
1600
01:11:51,807 --> 01:11:52,708
You see Reefer?
1601
01:11:54,176 --> 01:11:55,678
You know what, he probably smoked
1602
01:11:55,711 --> 01:11:58,080
not that long ago, actually, you can tell by his eyes.
1603
01:11:58,113 --> 01:11:59,982
Oh, that's my weed tits.
1604
01:12:01,050 --> 01:12:02,818
- [Interviewer] Your weed tits?
1605
01:12:02,851 --> 01:12:04,086
- Yeah, it's my weed tits.
1606
01:12:04,119 --> 01:12:05,454
I keep my weed in here.
1607
01:12:08,891 --> 01:12:10,092
- [Interviewer] Oh, that's brilliant.
1608
01:12:10,125 --> 01:12:12,027
- It's a great stash place for my weed.
1609
01:12:15,497 --> 01:12:16,365
Weed tits.
1610
01:12:18,133 --> 01:12:20,803
The interesting thing, and what most people are unaware of,
1611
01:12:20,836 --> 01:12:22,371
is that in the early 20th century,
1612
01:12:22,404 --> 01:12:25,374
marijuana was fairly prevalent, much like alcohol.
1613
01:12:25,407 --> 01:12:28,377
You could go to your local jazz scene and score pot.
1614
01:12:28,410 --> 01:12:30,179
It was known as muggles back then.
1615
01:12:30,212 --> 01:12:33,348
Not until the 1920s when Mayor La Guardia
1616
01:12:33,382 --> 01:12:37,686
initiated the Marijuana Stamp Act did it become a problem.
1617
01:12:37,720 --> 01:12:39,722
And what it required the citizens to do
1618
01:12:39,755 --> 01:12:42,491
was to go into the government building with their marijuana,
1619
01:12:42,524 --> 01:12:45,160
thus, entrapping them, because they hadn't had a stamp
1620
01:12:45,194 --> 01:12:46,895
for the marijuana they brought in.
1621
01:12:54,069 --> 01:12:56,872
(smoker coughing)
1622
01:13:14,256 --> 01:13:18,927
Because after that, no one fucking could get a stamp.
1623
01:13:18,961 --> 01:13:21,363
(rock music)
1624
01:13:29,204 --> 01:13:32,274
♪ I was a problem, not the prolific type ♪
1625
01:13:32,307 --> 01:13:37,312
♪ No responsibility and laughing at life ♪
1626
01:13:39,148 --> 01:13:42,317
♪ The heat is coming and it's down on me ♪
1627
01:13:42,351 --> 01:13:45,788
♪ The stars and stripes and the cavalry ♪
1628
01:13:45,821 --> 01:13:48,090
♪ CIA, FBI ♪
1629
01:13:49,825 --> 01:13:52,394
(tires screeching)
1630
01:13:52,428 --> 01:13:53,962
♪ Take them down ♪
1631
01:13:53,996 --> 01:13:55,531
♪ Take me slow ♪
1632
01:13:55,564 --> 01:14:00,035
♪ Take me to the places that I never want to go ♪
1633
01:14:00,068 --> 01:14:02,905
♪ Ooh ah, ooh ah ♪
1634
01:14:02,938 --> 01:14:06,175
♪ Ooh ah, ooh ah ♪
1635
01:14:06,208 --> 01:14:09,611
♪ The heat is coming down on me ♪
1636
01:14:09,645 --> 01:14:13,215
♪ Stars and stripes and the cavalry ♪
1637
01:14:13,248 --> 01:14:16,351
♪ CIA, FBI ♪
1638
01:14:16,385 --> 01:14:19,688
♪ Chain gang on their way ♪
1639
01:14:19,721 --> 01:14:21,323
♪ Chain gang on the, chain gang on the ♪
1640
01:14:21,356 --> 01:14:22,724
♪ Chain gang on the, chain gang on the, ♪
1641
01:14:22,758 --> 01:14:23,859
- [Officer] freeze!
1642
01:14:23,892 --> 01:14:27,396
♪ Chain gang on their way ♪
1643
01:14:30,265 --> 01:14:32,601
- [Officer] Freeze, scumbag!
1644
01:14:33,669 --> 01:14:34,937
Weed! - Weed!
1645
01:14:34,970 --> 01:14:37,372
- I have a prescription for that!
1646
01:14:37,406 --> 01:14:39,241
I have a prescription!
1647
01:14:39,274 --> 01:14:40,242
I have cancer!
1648
01:14:40,275 --> 01:14:41,610
I have cancer!
1649
01:14:41,643 --> 01:14:45,147
(elderly woman screaming)
1650
01:14:47,950 --> 01:14:49,751
(officer growls)
1651
01:14:49,785 --> 01:14:51,520
- Who's your dealer, lady?
1652
01:14:51,553 --> 01:14:53,188
Who is Mr. Big?
1653
01:14:53,222 --> 01:14:54,857
- Uh, the clinic?
1654
01:14:54,890 --> 01:14:56,758
- Don't lie to us.
1655
01:14:56,792 --> 01:15:00,429
- Uh, uh, the cancer institute?
1656
01:15:00,462 --> 01:15:01,330
- She's not talking.
1657
01:15:01,363 --> 01:15:02,998
- I'll make her talk.
1658
01:15:03,031 --> 01:15:05,567
- It helps with my chemotherapy!
1659
01:15:05,601 --> 01:15:07,870
It helps my pain!
1660
01:15:08,837 --> 01:15:11,039
Morphine just makes me sick!
1661
01:15:11,073 --> 01:15:12,774
- Morphine? - Yeah!
1662
01:15:12,808 --> 01:15:14,343
- Don't make it worse, lady!
1663
01:15:14,376 --> 01:15:16,612
You have a right to remain silent, anything-
1664
01:15:20,315 --> 01:15:21,750
- Why is this shit illegal again?
1665
01:15:21,783 --> 01:15:23,452
- I told you already.
1666
01:15:23,485 --> 01:15:25,120
- Just tell me again.
1667
01:15:25,153 --> 01:15:27,456
- Because William Randolph Hearst and Pierre Du Pont
1668
01:15:27,489 --> 01:15:30,692
had a lot of money invested in paper and petrochemicals,
1669
01:15:30,726 --> 01:15:31,994
and they didn't like the competition
1670
01:15:32,027 --> 01:15:33,862
from safer and cheaper hemp products,
1671
01:15:33,896 --> 01:15:35,497
so Hearst spent the next 20 years
1672
01:15:35,531 --> 01:15:37,666
demonizing cannabis in his newspapers
1673
01:15:37,699 --> 01:15:40,702
in an effort to manipulate public policy against the plant,
1674
01:15:40,736 --> 01:15:43,405
ultimately tricking the United States Congress
1675
01:15:43,438 --> 01:15:45,707
into passing anti-marijuana legislation,
1676
01:15:45,741 --> 01:15:48,076
despite the staunch protest of every major,
1677
01:15:48,110 --> 01:15:50,045
major medical group in the country!
1678
01:15:53,448 --> 01:15:55,484
- But why is this shit illegal?
1679
01:15:55,517 --> 01:15:57,219
- I don't know if pot is a drug.
1680
01:15:57,252 --> 01:15:59,187
A drug is when you take a plant
1681
01:15:59,221 --> 01:16:02,391
and you ship it off to a pharmaceutical company in Germany
1682
01:16:02,424 --> 01:16:05,360
from the same people that made Zyklon B death gas,
1683
01:16:05,394 --> 01:16:09,765
and they bring you back a chalky, powdery, white pill
1684
01:16:09,798 --> 01:16:11,733
that needs another pill to undo the damage of
1685
01:16:11,767 --> 01:16:14,236
that your HMO can't afford.
1686
01:16:14,269 --> 01:16:15,671
Then it's a drug.
1687
01:16:15,704 --> 01:16:17,105
♪ I'm so stoned ♪
1688
01:16:17,139 --> 01:16:19,207
♪ I'm afraid to answer the phone ♪
1689
01:16:19,241 --> 01:16:20,375
(smokers coughing)
1690
01:16:20,409 --> 01:16:22,177
♪ I'm so baked ♪
1691
01:16:22,210 --> 01:16:24,112
♪ Totally baked ♪
1692
01:16:24,146 --> 01:16:26,181
- Grandma needs chemo!
1693
01:16:26,214 --> 01:16:28,584
Why'd they take her primo?
1694
01:16:28,617 --> 01:16:33,221
♪ I'm so baked, totally baked ♪
1695
01:16:33,255 --> 01:16:35,524
- So how long have you been a narrator?
1696
01:16:36,725 --> 01:16:38,694
- I freelanced for over 4,000 years.
1697
01:16:38,727 --> 01:16:41,863
until Morgan fucking Freeman came along.
1698
01:16:41,897 --> 01:16:44,032
- "The Shawshank Redemption."
1699
01:16:45,434 --> 01:16:48,837
- "In 1966, Andy Dufresne left Shawshank Prison
1700
01:16:48,870 --> 01:16:52,574
with nothing but a set of muddy prison clothes, a lead pipe,
1701
01:16:52,607 --> 01:16:55,577
and a rock hammer nearly worn down to the nub."
1702
01:16:55,611 --> 01:16:58,547
- Wow, you sound just like him!
1703
01:16:58,580 --> 01:17:00,682
- I did the fucking table read.
1704
01:17:00,716 --> 01:17:01,516
- Jeez.
1705
01:17:02,985 --> 01:17:06,955
- Because William Randolph Hearst.
1706
01:17:06,989 --> 01:17:08,190
- Then I went corporate.
1707
01:17:09,491 --> 01:17:12,461
Kids, I needed the stability.
1708
01:17:12,494 --> 01:17:13,962
- Tell me about it.
1709
01:17:13,996 --> 01:17:17,099
I was a struggling magician before Gina was born.
1710
01:17:17,132 --> 01:17:20,235
- Oh, the sacrifices we make for our children.
1711
01:17:21,837 --> 01:17:24,840
Speaking of which, "your daughter, Lolita,
1712
01:17:24,873 --> 01:17:28,043
is about to climb out of her bedroom window."
1713
01:17:28,076 --> 01:17:28,944
- That's my girl.
1714
01:17:29,911 --> 01:17:33,648
(smooth rock music)
1715
01:17:33,682 --> 01:17:36,752
- Oh, interestingly, I wouldn't say
1716
01:17:36,785 --> 01:17:39,021
that it's lowered my sexual inhibitions
1717
01:17:39,054 --> 01:17:42,391
as much as made sex more enjoyable!
1718
01:17:43,825 --> 01:17:44,760
- I concur!
1719
01:17:47,329 --> 01:17:51,666
♪ I was born to be happy ♪
1720
01:17:51,700 --> 01:17:54,436
♪ What happened? ♪
1721
01:17:55,637 --> 01:17:58,106
- But your essential enjoyment is punctuated
1722
01:17:58,140 --> 01:18:01,510
by my increased ability to prolong ejaculation,
1723
01:18:01,543 --> 01:18:04,880
thereby providing you the opportunity for multiple-
1724
01:18:04,913 --> 01:18:09,418
- I concur! (moans)
1725
01:18:11,620 --> 01:18:12,788
- What are you doing?
1726
01:18:12,821 --> 01:18:15,157
- What does it look like I'm doing?
1727
01:18:16,892 --> 01:18:17,893
- You can't leave.
1728
01:18:18,760 --> 01:18:19,695
Is that a tattoo?
1729
01:18:19,728 --> 01:18:21,663
- The pot wasn't mine.
1730
01:18:21,696 --> 01:18:24,299
I was wrongly grounded, so I'm leaving.
1731
01:18:24,332 --> 01:18:25,567
I have a party to go to.
1732
01:18:25,600 --> 01:18:28,136
- Honey, I believe you about the pot.
1733
01:18:28,170 --> 01:18:30,405
Now, please come back inside.
1734
01:18:30,439 --> 01:18:32,507
- You believe me? - Yes.
1735
01:18:33,775 --> 01:18:37,479
The, narrator told me that some idiot
1736
01:18:37,512 --> 01:18:40,148
stuck it in your purse during a party.
1737
01:18:40,182 --> 01:18:41,616
- Oh.
1738
01:18:41,650 --> 01:18:43,885
Well, then why can't I leave?
1739
01:18:43,919 --> 01:18:44,753
- Sit down.
1740
01:18:49,091 --> 01:18:53,795
Now, before I tell you why you can't leave,
1741
01:18:53,829 --> 01:18:55,931
I think it's important that you know
1742
01:18:55,964 --> 01:19:00,902
that I am really, really high right now.
1743
01:19:02,037 --> 01:19:03,371
- You're high?
1744
01:19:03,405 --> 01:19:04,239
- Yes.
1745
01:19:05,340 --> 01:19:07,309
And that doesn't mean I'm proud of it,
1746
01:19:09,778 --> 01:19:12,280
any more than I'm proud of all the drinking I did
1747
01:19:12,314 --> 01:19:14,316
before the brownies kicked in.
1748
01:19:15,250 --> 01:19:18,520
- My dad ate pot brownies?
1749
01:19:18,553 --> 01:19:19,654
- Oh, four.
1750
01:19:19,688 --> 01:19:21,757
And when you're old enough,
1751
01:19:21,790 --> 01:19:23,492
you can decide to break the law
1752
01:19:23,525 --> 01:19:25,894
and eat four pot brownies too.
1753
01:19:25,927 --> 01:19:26,828
- I can?
1754
01:19:26,862 --> 01:19:28,063
- When you're old enough,
1755
01:19:28,096 --> 01:19:31,433
old enough to decide what's right for you.
1756
01:19:31,466 --> 01:19:32,868
- Well, how old is that?
1757
01:19:32,901 --> 01:19:33,869
- 57.
1758
01:19:34,936 --> 01:19:36,605
- (chuckles) Dad.
1759
01:19:36,638 --> 01:19:38,807
- But right now, you're still my little girl.
1760
01:19:38,840 --> 01:19:40,308
You're still growing. - I know.
1761
01:19:40,342 --> 01:19:43,545
- And you've got to take care of yourself.
1762
01:19:43,578 --> 01:19:46,882
So no drugs, alcohol or otherwise.
1763
01:19:46,915 --> 01:19:50,352
no unsafe sex, no sex at all.
1764
01:19:50,385 --> 01:19:52,254
Plenty of fruits and vegetables.
1765
01:19:52,287 --> 01:19:54,055
Try to floss regularly.
1766
01:19:55,390 --> 01:19:56,758
Deal? - Deal.
1767
01:19:58,160 --> 01:19:59,094
I love you, dad.
1768
01:19:59,127 --> 01:20:00,295
- I love you too.
1769
01:20:04,132 --> 01:20:05,534
- So now, why can't I leave?
1770
01:20:05,567 --> 01:20:08,803
The party's so lame.
1771
01:20:08,837 --> 01:20:10,572
- I kinda like it.
1772
01:20:10,605 --> 01:20:15,610
(guests laughing and cheering loudly)
1773
01:20:16,478 --> 01:20:18,046
(Skip and Narrator laughing)
1774
01:20:18,079 --> 01:20:22,717
- Okay, okay, I'll do one more if you do one more.
1775
01:20:22,751 --> 01:20:25,854
- Deal, deal. - Okay, okay, okay.
1776
01:20:25,887 --> 01:20:28,557
(snaps fingers)
1777
01:20:30,959 --> 01:20:33,361
- Tokin', 'cause I'm black. (laughs)
1778
01:20:33,395 --> 01:20:35,630
- I wrote that. (laughs)
1779
01:20:35,664 --> 01:20:37,599
- All right, here's one.
1780
01:20:37,632 --> 01:20:39,267
Ass-firmative action.
1781
01:20:40,769 --> 01:20:41,903
(Skip farts)
1782
01:20:41,937 --> 01:20:44,573
(Skip and Narrator laughing)
1783
01:20:44,606 --> 01:20:46,975
- This calls for a can of Cannabliss.
1784
01:20:48,476 --> 01:20:52,380
Cannabliss, an herbal aroma that creates an atmosphere,
1785
01:20:52,414 --> 01:20:54,583
which inspires conversation.
1786
01:20:54,616 --> 01:20:55,517
- Hey, how are you?
1787
01:20:56,618 --> 01:20:59,721
- And relaxation.
1788
01:21:00,589 --> 01:21:02,424
(Skip and Narrator sighing)
1789
01:21:02,457 --> 01:21:03,959
- It's Cannabliss.
1790
01:21:05,627 --> 01:21:07,562
- It's like bliss in a can.
1791
01:21:08,697 --> 01:21:12,434
(Skip and Narrator laughing)
1792
01:21:17,372 --> 01:21:19,774
(Skip farts and laughs)
1793
01:21:19,808 --> 01:21:22,310
- You can't leave because of them.
1794
01:21:22,344 --> 01:21:23,311
- Them?
1795
01:21:23,345 --> 01:21:26,014
(Skip laughing)
1796
01:21:27,682 --> 01:21:30,785
I can't leave because your friend is an idiot?
1797
01:21:30,819 --> 01:21:33,021
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, not because of them.
1798
01:21:33,054 --> 01:21:34,089
Because of them.
1799
01:21:34,122 --> 01:21:35,690
You see those two at the bar?
1800
01:21:35,724 --> 01:21:36,925
- Yeah.
1801
01:21:36,958 --> 01:21:39,494
- They're medical marijuana activists
1802
01:21:39,527 --> 01:21:44,266
on the run from the police and they're holding us hostage
1803
01:21:44,299 --> 01:21:46,901
until they think it's safe to go.
1804
01:21:46,935 --> 01:21:51,072
- All right, it looks like it's safe for us to go!
1805
01:21:51,106 --> 01:21:52,474
- Aw! - No!
1806
01:21:52,507 --> 01:21:54,843
- Thank you, thank you!
1807
01:21:54,876 --> 01:21:57,712
But it's time for Doug and I to hit the road.
1808
01:21:57,746 --> 01:21:58,914
- [Guests] No!
1809
01:21:58,947 --> 01:22:00,649
- It's a party!
1810
01:22:00,682 --> 01:22:01,650
Come on!
1811
01:22:01,683 --> 01:22:03,919
- Because somewhere, someplace,
1812
01:22:03,952 --> 01:22:07,022
there is a terminally ill medical patient
1813
01:22:07,055 --> 01:22:09,557
in dire need of some comfort.
1814
01:22:09,591 --> 01:22:13,662
(guests laughing and chattering)
1815
01:22:15,330 --> 01:22:18,333
(smooth rock music)
1816
01:22:23,405 --> 01:22:25,307
- Oh, shit, duty calls.
1817
01:22:26,274 --> 01:22:28,143
(Skip laughs)
1818
01:22:28,176 --> 01:22:29,010
- Duty.
1819
01:22:30,045 --> 01:22:33,848
(guests laughing and chattering)
1820
01:22:33,882 --> 01:22:35,884
♪ Yo we smoking that sticky ♪
1821
01:22:35,917 --> 01:22:38,553
♪ We got that haze, that black and that purple ♪
1822
01:22:38,586 --> 01:22:40,622
(Mr. Funonion coughing)
1823
01:22:40,655 --> 01:22:43,191
♪ We were smoking that la, la, la, la, ♪
1824
01:22:43,224 --> 01:22:45,260
♪ We were smoking north side, east side, ♪
1825
01:22:45,293 --> 01:22:48,196
♪ West side, my side, that la, la, la, la, la ♪
1826
01:22:48,229 --> 01:22:50,665
♪ We were smoking that rye that Crip, ♪
1827
01:22:50,699 --> 01:22:55,704
♪ That haze, that Thai, that la, la, la, la, la ♪
1828
01:22:56,604 --> 01:22:58,873
- And so crisis was averted,
1829
01:22:58,907 --> 01:23:02,010
and father and daughter reached an understanding.
1830
01:23:02,043 --> 01:23:03,678
And our alcoholic, sugar-consuming,
1831
01:23:03,712 --> 01:23:05,146
nicotine-addicted society
1832
01:23:05,180 --> 01:23:08,950
realized that their own hypocrisy concerning a plant
1833
01:23:08,983 --> 01:23:10,952
our own founding fathers found crucial
1834
01:23:10,986 --> 01:23:13,688
to the founding of this country, well,
1835
01:23:13,722 --> 01:23:15,924
they learned nothing.
1836
01:23:15,957 --> 01:23:18,426
But luckily, those people will die very soon,
1837
01:23:18,460 --> 01:23:21,496
and the new generation without a major stick up its ass
1838
01:23:21,529 --> 01:23:24,165
will come along and create new drug laws,
1839
01:23:24,199 --> 01:23:26,634
and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
1840
01:23:26,668 --> 01:23:28,236
fuckin' blah, blah.
1841
01:23:32,540 --> 01:23:33,375
The end.
1842
01:23:36,077 --> 01:23:39,180
♪ All my friends are stoners ♪
1843
01:23:39,214 --> 01:23:40,648
♪ Lighting up all the time ♪
1844
01:23:40,682 --> 01:23:43,251
- [Announcer] This after school special of
1845
01:23:43,284 --> 01:23:48,156
"How the Weed was Freed" has been brought to you by
1846
01:23:48,189 --> 01:23:50,725
Phrizer Laboratories & Pharmaceuticals.
1847
01:23:50,759 --> 01:23:52,894
(classical music)
1848
01:23:52,927 --> 01:23:54,863
- [Announcer] Your first million.
1849
01:23:54,896 --> 01:23:57,632
Sailing around the world.
1850
01:23:57,665 --> 01:23:59,167
A hole in one.
1851
01:23:59,200 --> 01:24:02,103
Finding the sweet spot on your tax return.
1852
01:24:02,137 --> 01:24:07,142
These are the times for rich, smooth AK-47 from Phrizer.
1853
01:24:07,742 --> 01:24:08,510
(gun bangs)
1854
01:24:08,543 --> 01:24:10,779
- Ah, savor the terroir.
1855
01:24:10,812 --> 01:24:12,847
- It's subtle and yet not flaccid.
1856
01:24:12,881 --> 01:24:15,750
- This is a fine AK-47.
1857
01:24:15,784 --> 01:24:17,152
- It's killer weed.
1858
01:24:17,185 --> 01:24:18,620
(gun bangs)
1859
01:24:18,653 --> 01:24:19,421
- [Announcer] Now available at all Talmart, Tarjet,
1860
01:24:19,454 --> 01:24:20,555
and Sharp Look stores.
1861
01:24:20,588 --> 01:24:22,991
(folk music)
1862
01:24:24,793 --> 01:24:26,327
- Nah, forget it, man.
1863
01:24:27,529 --> 01:24:29,030
Weed is so corporate now.
1864
01:24:29,931 --> 01:24:31,232
This is way lame.
1865
01:24:33,001 --> 01:24:35,103
Now what we are gonna do to be subversive?
1866
01:24:36,671 --> 01:24:38,006
- You want to suck my dick?
1867
01:24:39,707 --> 01:24:40,842
- Yeah, all right.
1868
01:24:44,412 --> 01:24:47,415
(heavy metal music)
1869
01:24:54,022 --> 01:24:55,824
(Narrator laughs)
1870
01:24:55,857 --> 01:24:57,292
- I saw him in the mirror!
1871
01:24:57,325 --> 01:24:58,326
- All right.
1872
01:25:00,628 --> 01:25:01,996
- You fucking gonad.
1873
01:25:04,732 --> 01:25:06,034
- [Director] Do it again, ready?
1874
01:25:06,067 --> 01:25:07,102
Go!
1875
01:25:07,135 --> 01:25:12,140
- My dad, aw! (crew laughs)
1876
01:25:13,007 --> 01:25:14,209
- There you go, buddy, one more.
1877
01:25:14,242 --> 01:25:17,378
- Please don't make me bleed the weed.
1878
01:25:17,412 --> 01:25:19,147
My dad is in the NRA!
1879
01:25:22,851 --> 01:25:23,918
- We got 'em.
1880
01:25:23,952 --> 01:25:26,354
- Check. (laughs) - Check.
1881
01:25:26,387 --> 01:25:28,356
Are they ready? - yeah, nipples are ready.
1882
01:25:28,389 --> 01:25:29,324
- [Director] coming out, okay?
1883
01:25:29,357 --> 01:25:31,092
Ready, and action.
1884
01:25:33,895 --> 01:25:35,763
Much more of a horse.
1885
01:25:35,797 --> 01:25:37,332
- Yeah, horse, yeah, okay.
1886
01:25:39,067 --> 01:25:40,468
(chuffs)
1887
01:25:40,502 --> 01:25:43,004
You said you wanted to learn how to drive a stick.
1888
01:25:46,107 --> 01:25:48,776
(crew laughing)
1889
01:25:49,811 --> 01:25:52,714
♪ I debated smoking ♪
1890
01:25:52,747 --> 01:25:55,483
♪ Had a stick up my ass ♪
1891
01:25:55,517 --> 01:25:57,151
- Yeah, you did, yeah, you did!
1892
01:25:57,185 --> 01:26:00,455
♪ Now you'll find me tokin' ♪
1893
01:26:00,488 --> 01:26:03,958
♪ The good Jamaican grass ♪
1894
01:26:05,360 --> 01:26:07,228
- Barney as a drug dealer.
1895
01:26:07,262 --> 01:26:10,565
(sniffs) "Somebody looks like they're out of the weed."
1896
01:26:12,400 --> 01:26:14,469
"baggies empty all over the place,
1897
01:26:14,502 --> 01:26:16,671
old Barney will come in and fill the bong."
1898
01:26:17,939 --> 01:26:20,475
(crew laughing)
1899
01:26:20,508 --> 01:26:23,578
"I got some hot growing Mary Jane!"
1900
01:26:23,611 --> 01:26:26,281
(crew laughing)
1901
01:26:28,182 --> 01:26:30,952
- Hamster nipples. - Stop, man, stop!
1902
01:26:30,985 --> 01:26:32,453
- Hamster nipples.
1903
01:26:32,487 --> 01:26:35,223
- Dude stop, you gotta stop doing this, (laughs)
1904
01:26:35,256 --> 01:26:37,292
I can't breathe.
1905
01:26:37,325 --> 01:26:39,661
- I got to write that one down, dude.
1906
01:26:39,694 --> 01:26:41,763
(stoners laughing)
1907
01:26:41,796 --> 01:26:46,134
♪ Hey, hey, who found the law, yeah ♪
1908
01:26:47,168 --> 01:26:48,703
- Stop or we'll open fire!
1909
01:26:48,736 --> 01:26:50,438
- Help me, help me!
1910
01:26:50,471 --> 01:26:52,273
I can't reach the ground!
1911
01:26:52,307 --> 01:26:54,242
- Stop! - Freeze!
1912
01:26:54,275 --> 01:26:55,577
(guns banging)
1913
01:26:55,610 --> 01:26:56,844
- Don't do it!
1914
01:26:56,878 --> 01:27:00,315
(officers shouting) (guns banging)
1915
01:27:00,348 --> 01:27:01,482
- [Director] Action.
1916
01:27:01,516 --> 01:27:03,585
♪ Hey, hey, who found the law? ♪
1917
01:27:03,618 --> 01:27:05,053
- Hey, you!
1918
01:27:05,086 --> 01:27:09,324
I'll let you suck my dick- (laughs)
1919
01:27:09,357 --> 01:27:11,893
♪ Hey, hey, who found the law? ♪
1920
01:27:11,926 --> 01:27:14,529
(guns banging)
1921
01:27:17,465 --> 01:27:18,900
♪ The monkey's in the kitchen ♪
1922
01:27:18,933 --> 01:27:20,535
♪ And the dog is in the house ♪
1923
01:27:20,568 --> 01:27:23,338
♪ Hey, hey, who found the law? ♪
1924
01:27:23,371 --> 01:27:25,073
♪ I said the dog's got the munchies ♪
1925
01:27:25,106 --> 01:27:28,109
♪ The cat ate the stash ♪
1926
01:27:28,142 --> 01:27:30,011
- Well, that's one less hoodlum
1927
01:27:30,044 --> 01:27:32,780
for some liberal judge to put back on the street.
1928
01:27:32,814 --> 01:27:36,751
♪ Hey, hey, who found the law? ♪
1929
01:27:41,923 --> 01:27:43,524
- [Announcer] "Totally Baked."
1930
01:27:43,558 --> 01:27:45,627
- Totally bizzaked.
1931
01:27:45,660 --> 01:27:48,129
Little movie about people smokin' little pizzot
1932
01:27:48,162 --> 01:27:49,297
up in the hizouse.
1933
01:27:49,330 --> 01:27:50,898
- Yep, we getting it in.
1934
01:27:50,932 --> 01:27:53,167
- Blow a little smizoke in the fizace.
1935
01:27:53,201 --> 01:27:54,569
- And then we get a little cuzzi.
1936
01:27:54,602 --> 01:27:57,772
- Yeah, people get a little hizigh in the fizou.
1937
01:27:58,640 --> 01:27:59,674
- Yeah, right in the eyeballies.
1938
01:27:59,707 --> 01:28:01,109
- That's what I'm sayin',
1939
01:28:01,142 --> 01:28:02,143
so you know we're all comin' together as a family
1940
01:28:02,176 --> 01:28:03,511
to make a little movizzy.
1941
01:28:04,445 --> 01:28:06,147
- Yep, we makin' the movies.
1942
01:28:06,180 --> 01:28:07,281
- Yeah, we're actually, yo, I don't even know
1943
01:28:07,315 --> 01:28:08,650
why Snoop isn't in this.
1944
01:28:08,683 --> 01:28:10,184
- Yeah, I don't know.
1945
01:28:10,218 --> 01:28:12,020
He should be.
1946
01:28:12,053 --> 01:28:14,389
- It was a little bit too low budget for Snoop.
1947
01:28:15,590 --> 01:28:17,025
- [Director] So how did the project,
1948
01:28:17,058 --> 01:28:20,228
I mean how did it form, you being the writer and everything?
1949
01:28:20,261 --> 01:28:25,199
- I was singing, pardon my voice, but,
1950
01:28:25,233 --> 01:28:28,269
♪ I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight toker ♪
1951
01:28:28,302 --> 01:28:31,673
The Steve Miller song and my little son, Justin says,
1952
01:28:31,706 --> 01:28:33,808
"Daddy, what's a toker?"
1953
01:28:33,841 --> 01:28:35,209
And now we have a movie.
1954
01:28:35,243 --> 01:28:38,346
Of course in the film, my son Justin
1955
01:28:38,379 --> 01:28:40,648
is now a 15 year old hottie
1956
01:28:40,682 --> 01:28:43,451
where they find a roach in her birth control pills.
1957
01:28:43,484 --> 01:28:45,486
So we figured that would be much more sexy
1958
01:28:45,520 --> 01:28:48,890
than a seven-year-old finding marijuana
1959
01:28:48,923 --> 01:28:50,491
in his Thomas the Tank Engine.
1960
01:28:50,525 --> 01:28:53,795
- [Director] So this movie had a lot of close calls
1961
01:28:53,828 --> 01:28:56,597
and a lot of signs from God,
1962
01:28:56,631 --> 01:28:58,766
kind of miracles coming together.
1963
01:29:00,168 --> 01:29:01,903
- Every single thing that happened in this movie
1964
01:29:01,936 --> 01:29:06,941
was amazing how it was just all kind of came into place
1965
01:29:07,742 --> 01:29:09,644
in very strange ways.
1966
01:29:09,677 --> 01:29:13,114
Like the character of Bertman, the lead character,
1967
01:29:13,147 --> 01:29:15,850
the lead debater whose daughter is found with the roach,
1968
01:29:15,883 --> 01:29:17,885
that was originally written for me.
1969
01:29:17,919 --> 01:29:20,088
- And the director, Lee Abbott, was smart enough to say,
1970
01:29:20,121 --> 01:29:22,423
well, you're really not this guy, you play the narrator.
1971
01:29:22,457 --> 01:29:25,860
And at first I was going, he's throwing me out,
1972
01:29:25,893 --> 01:29:26,794
he's just playing with me now.
1973
01:29:28,229 --> 01:29:30,498
But then I really got into the Narrator character,
1974
01:29:30,531 --> 01:29:33,101
I got to explore a different type.
1975
01:29:33,134 --> 01:29:35,570
We assembled this cast that just ended up together,
1976
01:29:35,603 --> 01:29:37,071
a lot of friends.
1977
01:29:37,105 --> 01:29:39,974
Everybody does everything on this movie, all hats are worn.
1978
01:29:40,007 --> 01:29:42,577
As a matter of fact, Kelly, has doubled as craft services,
1979
01:29:42,610 --> 01:29:43,978
thank you for the pretzels, by the way.
1980
01:29:44,011 --> 01:29:45,413
- No problem, No problem.
1981
01:29:45,446 --> 01:29:47,782
I like to bring the pretzels, they eat a lot of those,
1982
01:29:47,815 --> 01:29:49,383
you know, cheese and crackers.
1983
01:29:49,417 --> 01:29:50,418
- [Waiter] Gentlemen,
1984
01:29:51,853 --> 01:29:55,490
- Low budget and all we get is cheese and fucking crackers.
1985
01:29:55,523 --> 01:29:59,360
In Hollywood we're literally referred to as the slam dunk.
1986
01:29:59,393 --> 01:30:00,862
When you bring in Mark and Brian,
1987
01:30:00,895 --> 01:30:02,597
it's a slam dunk, it's a win.
1988
01:30:02,630 --> 01:30:03,998
It's a win-win for everybody involved.
1989
01:30:04,031 --> 01:30:05,333
- Craig Shoemaker calls us up and said,
1990
01:30:05,366 --> 01:30:06,834
dude, it's just, I don't know what I'm doing.
1991
01:30:06,868 --> 01:30:08,870
You know, I wrote this thing and I thought it was funny
1992
01:30:08,903 --> 01:30:10,338
and now I know it's a piece of shit.
1993
01:30:10,371 --> 01:30:12,840
It's piece of shit, I need the old slam dunks.
1994
01:30:14,275 --> 01:30:15,443
- [Interviewer] What kind of movie is "Totally Baked."
1995
01:30:15,476 --> 01:30:18,546
- "Totally Baked," the original concept,
1996
01:30:18,579 --> 01:30:20,615
which we're hoping ends up on the screen,
1997
01:30:20,648 --> 01:30:24,919
is this body romp in finding the truth about marijuana
1998
01:30:24,952 --> 01:30:27,989
and the truth about marijuana is it depends who you ask.
1999
01:30:28,022 --> 01:30:28,823
- [Interviewer] Tell me about the first time
2000
01:30:28,856 --> 01:30:30,258
you ever got stoned.
2001
01:30:30,291 --> 01:30:34,162
- So we went to the carwash and my mother had this
2002
01:30:34,195 --> 01:30:37,131
beautiful blue Malibu Classic, 1976 Chevrolet.
2003
01:30:37,165 --> 01:30:40,434
We were both 14 or 15 and I was newly experienced driving
2004
01:30:40,468 --> 01:30:42,170
and I don't think Chris had driven at all.
2005
01:30:42,203 --> 01:30:44,172
At some point I said, hey man, back the car up,
2006
01:30:44,205 --> 01:30:46,307
I need to vacuum it out and he got in the car
2007
01:30:46,340 --> 01:30:48,142
and instead of hitting the brake he hit the accelerator
2008
01:30:48,176 --> 01:30:49,610
while the door was open.
2009
01:30:49,644 --> 01:30:51,179
And it was like a slow motion movie,
2010
01:30:51,212 --> 01:30:54,215
the door just ripped right off on the pole.
2011
01:30:54,248 --> 01:30:56,684
And there I was just standing there with his beautiful car,
2012
01:30:56,717 --> 01:30:58,386
it was just destroyed.
2013
01:30:58,419 --> 01:31:00,888
Which is probably not a good pot story, but it's, you know,
2014
01:31:00,922 --> 01:31:02,857
maybe that's because the 14 year olds
2015
01:31:02,890 --> 01:31:04,459
shouldn't necessarily smoke.
2016
01:31:04,492 --> 01:31:07,929
But so anyway, I went home and my parents found everything.
2017
01:31:07,962 --> 01:31:10,097
- I think a senior in high school
2018
01:31:10,131 --> 01:31:14,635
at my house in the living room, mom was at work.
2019
01:31:14,669 --> 01:31:16,604
And I think we had tried one, or I tried once before
2020
01:31:16,637 --> 01:31:18,039
and I didn't get high.
2021
01:31:18,072 --> 01:31:20,408
So we're smoking at this time and I'm looking at Chris
2022
01:31:20,441 --> 01:31:22,043
and I'm going, man, I don't think this is working,
2023
01:31:22,076 --> 01:31:23,744
I'm not high.
2024
01:31:23,778 --> 01:31:25,880
I said, but you know, I'm gonna go get some eat.
2025
01:31:25,913 --> 01:31:28,583
Chris said I was in the kitchen for about 20 minutes
2026
01:31:28,616 --> 01:31:30,518
banging pots and dishes.
2027
01:31:30,551 --> 01:31:32,053
And I finally come out
2028
01:31:32,086 --> 01:31:34,222
and I'm holding three slices of bread.
2029
01:31:34,255 --> 01:31:35,923
Chris goes, what do you got there, man?
2030
01:31:35,957 --> 01:31:40,428
I said, you got a bread sandwich. (laughs)
2031
01:31:40,461 --> 01:31:42,997
- We went over to this guy's house and he produced this,
2032
01:31:43,030 --> 01:31:45,867
like something you'd seen a centerfold of High Times.
2033
01:31:45,900 --> 01:31:49,136
And they had one of those gravity bong looking huge things
2034
01:31:49,170 --> 01:31:52,673
and, I mean, they were taking a lot and I took one big hit.
2035
01:31:52,707 --> 01:31:55,076
Had a few drinks and then next thing I know, I wake up
2036
01:31:55,109 --> 01:31:57,445
and I think I've been buried alive
2037
01:31:57,478 --> 01:31:59,714
because I'm in a room it's pitch black,
2038
01:31:59,747 --> 01:32:02,250
I mean there is no light and I don't know where I am.
2039
01:32:02,283 --> 01:32:04,118
I can feel I'm like on a couch
2040
01:32:04,151 --> 01:32:06,654
but then I stand up and I like trip over all their shit
2041
01:32:06,687 --> 01:32:09,790
and fall into like a shelf and all these boxes fall on me.
2042
01:32:09,824 --> 01:32:12,560
Then I get up and I'm like, I'm on like a lawn mower.
2043
01:32:12,593 --> 01:32:14,695
And I just start feeling around
2044
01:32:14,729 --> 01:32:16,931
and eventually I feel this wall and I'm like,
2045
01:32:16,964 --> 01:32:19,834
that feels like a garage door, I'm in somebody's garage.
2046
01:32:19,867 --> 01:32:22,303
- We had an ordered a pizza like earlier in the day
2047
01:32:22,336 --> 01:32:23,905
and then there's people over,
2048
01:32:23,938 --> 01:32:25,539
it was kind of like we were having a little party.
2049
01:32:25,573 --> 01:32:28,476
And then we noticed that there was ants attacking the pizza.
2050
01:32:28,509 --> 01:32:30,912
So we got Raid and we sprayed it all over the pizza.
2051
01:32:30,945 --> 01:32:32,947
Like literally drenched the pizza in Raid,
2052
01:32:32,980 --> 01:32:34,015
I'm not kidding, it as disgusting,
2053
01:32:34,048 --> 01:32:35,549
there was dead ants everywhere.
2054
01:32:35,583 --> 01:32:37,552
The pizza was just covered in dead ants.
2055
01:32:37,585 --> 01:32:39,053
So then about four o'clock in the morning,
2056
01:32:39,086 --> 01:32:42,490
she wakes up and she's starving and she needs some food.
2057
01:32:42,523 --> 01:32:43,691
And actually, we were still
2058
01:32:43,724 --> 01:32:45,192
pretty much all awake at this time.
2059
01:32:45,226 --> 01:32:46,961
So she's going through the kitchen and she's like,
2060
01:32:46,994 --> 01:32:47,929
oh yeah, the pizza.
2061
01:32:47,962 --> 01:32:49,096
Starts eating the pizza.
2062
01:32:49,130 --> 01:32:51,332
She's on her second piece of pizza
2063
01:32:51,365 --> 01:32:53,935
and she's eating the last bite of her second piece
2064
01:32:53,968 --> 01:32:56,971
and our friend goes, where did get that pizza?
2065
01:32:57,004 --> 01:32:58,172
And she's like, it's in the kitchen.
2066
01:32:58,205 --> 01:33:00,341
But we were all like, no!
2067
01:33:00,374 --> 01:33:02,810
And the poor girl was like throwing up, it was disgusting.
2068
01:33:02,843 --> 01:33:05,079
She was crying, there was ants all over her tongue.
2069
01:33:05,112 --> 01:33:06,914
It was nasty.
2070
01:33:06,948 --> 01:33:08,115
So we had to call poison control and stuff
2071
01:33:08,149 --> 01:33:09,617
but it was pretty fun.
2072
01:33:09,650 --> 01:33:13,387
- I tried smoking marijuana and it gave me the shits.
2073
01:33:15,089 --> 01:33:16,490
You remember that. - I do.
2074
01:33:16,524 --> 01:33:17,959
- 'Cause he was trying to,
2075
01:33:19,860 --> 01:33:22,830
it was back when we were in college and he smoked a lot.
2076
01:33:22,863 --> 01:33:24,365
- You know, college.
2077
01:33:24,398 --> 01:33:25,733
- And every time he did the first thing he wanted to do
2078
01:33:25,766 --> 01:33:27,568
was just stick it in somebody's ass.
2079
01:33:28,970 --> 01:33:31,739
And we being roommates and everything sometimes,
2080
01:33:33,240 --> 01:33:37,378
you know, I'd be sleeping and I wake up like that, anyways.
2081
01:33:37,411 --> 01:33:38,879
- Hey, what's that?
2082
01:33:38,913 --> 01:33:40,881
- So I tried smoking at one time and I got the shits.
2083
01:33:40,915 --> 01:33:41,949
- Yeah, you did.
2084
01:33:41,983 --> 01:33:43,150
- Bad. - I remember that.
2085
01:33:43,184 --> 01:33:44,752
- So I never really got into that very much.
2086
01:33:44,785 --> 01:33:46,988
I mean, I had a couple of times,
2087
01:33:47,021 --> 01:33:50,992
and it was just kind of, you know, I didn't inhale, please.
2088
01:33:52,393 --> 01:33:54,929
But you know, I never got kind of beyond, well,
2089
01:33:54,962 --> 01:33:58,566
let's go and have Haagen-Daz and pizza in that order.
2090
01:34:00,101 --> 01:34:03,537
- The smell of pot reminds me of a good rock concert.
2091
01:34:03,571 --> 01:34:05,706
- This is all make believe.
2092
01:34:05,740 --> 01:34:10,745
I've never inhaled any marijuana, so I really haven't.
2093
01:34:11,479 --> 01:34:13,681
I really have not.
2094
01:34:15,116 --> 01:34:19,253
I have had a brownie or two in my life, but I was tricked.
2095
01:34:19,286 --> 01:34:20,688
I didn't know.
2096
01:34:20,721 --> 01:34:22,890
- I've had some dalliances with the demon weed.
2097
01:34:22,923 --> 01:34:25,326
I wouldn't put a judgment on it for too long,
2098
01:34:25,359 --> 01:34:27,395
but for certainly a chunk of time
2099
01:34:27,428 --> 01:34:30,398
when I was out of high school, living in Manhattan,
2100
01:34:30,431 --> 01:34:33,300
studying acting, waiting tables,
2101
01:34:33,334 --> 01:34:35,503
living in a fifth floor walk up.
2102
01:34:35,536 --> 01:34:38,005
Yeah, it was quite a help.
2103
01:34:38,039 --> 01:34:40,107
- Oh yeah, you know, they had it, they gave it to me
2104
01:34:40,141 --> 01:34:42,710
and I was just like, it finally hit me, I got stoned.
2105
01:34:42,743 --> 01:34:44,111
So now I can say I got stoned,
2106
01:34:44,145 --> 01:34:47,882
and I knew I was stoned because I laughed hysterically.
2107
01:34:47,915 --> 01:34:49,150
- And I started laughing,
2108
01:34:49,183 --> 01:34:51,152
and I laughed for about 20 minutes.
2109
01:34:51,185 --> 01:34:54,021
(actors laughing)
2110
01:35:01,062 --> 01:35:02,496
- Stop!
2111
01:35:02,530 --> 01:35:07,001
Stop, you're killing me, you're killing me! (laughs)
2112
01:35:13,507 --> 01:35:17,211
- I hope you like the movie, we had fun making it.
2113
01:35:17,244 --> 01:35:22,249
(rock music) (bong water bubbling)
154775
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