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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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That's Mom and Dad.
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00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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00:00:21,064 --> 00:00:25,721
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jim Gaffigan!
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00:00:29,507 --> 00:00:32,423
Thank you!
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00:00:32,423 --> 00:00:34,773
Thank you so much.
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00:00:34,773 --> 00:00:36,949
Thank you.
Thank you.
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00:00:36,949 --> 00:00:38,647
Oh, my gosh,
you make me feel
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00:00:38,647 --> 00:00:41,954
only 20 pounds overweight.
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00:00:41,954 --> 00:00:44,566
"Oh, look at his beard.
He's--
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He's got quite a beard.
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00:00:46,829 --> 00:00:50,702
He looks like an out of shape
Civil War general."
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00:00:50,702 --> 00:00:54,141
My dearest Peggy...
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00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:59,015
it has been a fortnight
since I have had a salad.
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00:00:59,015 --> 00:01:00,799
I love my beard.
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00:01:00,799 --> 00:01:04,977
You grow a beard
and strangers are fascinated.
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00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:06,414
I have strangers
coming up to me,
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00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:08,720
"Hey, why'd you grow
your beard out?"
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00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:11,810
"I joined Al-Qaeda."
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00:01:11,810 --> 00:01:14,639
"Don't even joke around
about that."
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00:01:14,639 --> 00:01:17,381
But you can ask
about facial hair, right?
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You can't be like,
"Hey, how long you had
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00:01:19,122 --> 00:01:21,864
the man boobs?
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00:01:21,864 --> 00:01:24,171
Are they natural?"
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00:01:24,171 --> 00:01:27,087
Now you're looking
at my man boobs.
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00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,872
To me
they're beautiful.
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00:01:29,872 --> 00:01:34,006
When do I get a Dove commercial?
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00:01:34,006 --> 00:01:37,923
I'm talking about
the Dove ice cream bar
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00:01:37,923 --> 00:01:43,451
which barely cleans your body
and is less racist.
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Thank you for coming out.
It is great to be here.
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00:01:48,934 --> 00:01:51,328
Thank you so much.
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00:01:51,328 --> 00:01:53,896
It is...
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It's been a crazy year for me.
Crazy year.
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I don't know if you know,
in April it was discovered
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00:02:00,642 --> 00:02:03,688
my wife had a brain tumor.
I'm not even making this up.
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00:02:03,688 --> 00:02:05,429
It was removed.
She's great.
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00:02:05,429 --> 00:02:09,172
-Everything's good. Thank you.
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00:02:09,172 --> 00:02:12,523
I didn't remove it.
I was in the other room
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00:02:12,523 --> 00:02:16,397
soiling myself, but...
the tumor is gone
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00:02:16,397 --> 00:02:21,097
along with my ability
to ever win another argument.
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00:02:21,097 --> 00:02:23,534
It's not like I was winning
a lot before,
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00:02:23,534 --> 00:02:26,755
but now I'm retired.
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00:02:26,755 --> 00:02:29,192
And luckily my wife's
not the type to bring it up.
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Well, once she did.
She was like, "You know,
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I did have brain surgery."
And I couldn't be like,
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00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:36,373
"Yeah, that was like
a month ago.
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It's time to move on,
you know?
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00:02:39,028 --> 00:02:43,206
What about my
seasonal allergies?
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00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:47,428
We all have our cross to bear."
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It was crazy.
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You know,
the surgeon told me the tumor
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was the size of a pear--
which is scary,
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but also confusing.
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I was like,
"Did he go to med school
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or a farmer's market?"
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00:03:01,224 --> 00:03:04,923
But tumors are often compared
to fruit.
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00:03:04,923 --> 00:03:07,752
A pear, a lemon,
a grapefruit.
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Interesting fact,
worst tumor, grapefruit.
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00:03:10,886 --> 00:03:13,410
Worst fruit, grapefruit.
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When you think about it,
a grapefruit looks more
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00:03:18,067 --> 00:03:21,375
like a tumor
than a fruit.
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I must feel sorry
for grapefruit.
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"Yeah, we can't win,
you know?
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We're already the worst fruit,
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now we're compared
to the worst tumor?
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00:03:29,470 --> 00:03:33,169
Well, at least we help
old people poop."
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That is the worst impression
of a grapefruit ever.
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It's kind of unfortunate
that there's another fruit
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00:03:43,919 --> 00:03:47,749
that's much smaller
named "grape"
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00:03:47,749 --> 00:03:50,578
'cause you know there's
situations in doctor's offices,
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"We found a tumor,
it's the size of a grape--"
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"Thank God."
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"I didn't finish...
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00:03:58,499 --> 00:04:01,502
Grapefruit."
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00:04:01,502 --> 00:04:04,331
"Oh, that's--
that's very different."
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00:04:07,551 --> 00:04:10,206
It was strange.
You know, when the doctor
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00:04:10,206 --> 00:04:12,382
told me the tumor
was the size of a pear,
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00:04:12,382 --> 00:04:16,386
I thought, "Wow, I guess doctors
are bad at analogies."
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But I quickly realized
they're just dumbing it down
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for idiots like me.
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Like the surgeon looked at me
and thought,
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"Well, this guy's not gonna
understand centimeters.
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I don't even wanna try
and explain circumference.
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Based on appearance,
he doesn't eat fruit, but...
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00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:40,280
he's probably seen a pear...
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00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:45,067
when he's at the grocery store
buying ice cream."
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I don't know why the surgeon
sounds like Andy Rooney.
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You ever notice tumors
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00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:54,772
look like fruit?
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By the way,
if you don't know
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who Andy Rooney is,
you're a child.
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00:04:59,908 --> 00:05:02,693
And if you do know
who Andy Rooney is,
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00:05:02,693 --> 00:05:05,000
you should probably eat
more grapefruit.
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00:05:07,829 --> 00:05:09,657
Tumors compared to fruit.
They're--
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They're sometimes
compared to balls
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00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:13,878
like a golf ball
or a softball,
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but the surgeon looked at me
and thought,
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00:05:15,837 --> 00:05:18,361
"I'm gonna stick with food.
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I got a better shot
at this fat ass understanding."
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00:05:22,191 --> 00:05:24,236
I joke around,
but it was scary.
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We have five children
and there were moments
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when I was like,
"Oh, my gosh, if anything
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happens to my wife,
those five kids
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are gonna be put up
for adoption.
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00:05:36,248 --> 00:05:39,295
Some of these jokes
are just for the fathers.
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My wife
was so amazingly strong
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and brave during
this whole experience.
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For three months after
the surgery
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she couldn't eat solid foods
and her friends would send us
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the most delicious food.
She couldn't eat.
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So I found myself
hiding the food
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and secretly eating it.
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00:06:02,013 --> 00:06:05,756
"This is like a whole new
eating disorder for me.
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00:06:05,756 --> 00:06:09,717
Am I supposed to feel shame
'cause I'm helping my wife!
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00:06:09,717 --> 00:06:11,762
Really I'm a hero."
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00:06:13,982 --> 00:06:16,767
She mostly ate Jell-O.
Jell-O.
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You know what
they make Jell-O out of?
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00:06:18,029 --> 00:06:20,423
Bones and hooves.
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00:06:20,423 --> 00:06:22,512
I always thought
that was an urban legend.
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Bones and hooves.
What kind of mad man...
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00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:28,170
"Let me have
the bones and hooves,
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00:06:28,170 --> 00:06:31,478
I've got an idea
for a kid's dessert.
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It'll be huge.
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00:06:33,175 --> 00:06:35,917
We'll get Cosby
to do the commercials.
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00:06:35,917 --> 00:06:39,007
Everyone trusts him.
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00:06:39,007 --> 00:06:42,750
Anyone using the eyeballs?
I can make an abacus.
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00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:46,362
I've got tons of ideas."
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00:06:46,362 --> 00:06:49,844
They say laughter
is the best medicine--and it is,
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00:06:49,844 --> 00:06:52,977
after you've received
realmedicine...
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00:06:52,977 --> 00:06:56,328
from a real medical
professional.
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00:06:56,328 --> 00:06:58,679
Prior to that,
you don't want any laughter.
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00:06:58,679 --> 00:07:01,551
You don't want a doctor
giggling during an exam.
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00:07:01,551 --> 00:07:04,467
"Oh, my gosh,
this is your body?
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00:07:04,467 --> 00:07:07,427
Wow, nice man boobs."
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00:07:08,863 --> 00:07:11,474
My wife had the surgery
in New York City
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00:07:11,474 --> 00:07:13,868
at a hospital named
Mount Sinai.
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00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:16,436
I've noticed that
a lot of hospitals in the U.S.
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00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:20,527
are either named after Saints
or ancient places in Israel
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00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:24,008
which is not that reassuring
when you think about it.
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00:07:24,008 --> 00:07:26,054
It's like, "Hi,
welcome to our hospital.
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00:07:26,054 --> 00:07:28,665
We're all about science
which is why our building
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is named after the place
God talked to Moses
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00:07:31,102 --> 00:07:33,278
as a burning bush.
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00:07:33,278 --> 00:07:36,891
Over here's our
Casper the Ghost wing...
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00:07:36,891 --> 00:07:39,371
next to our Astrology Center.
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00:07:39,371 --> 00:07:42,592
Do you like UFOs?
We love those.
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00:07:42,592 --> 00:07:45,552
We're all about science."
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00:07:45,552 --> 00:07:47,815
Spent two weeks
in the hospital.
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00:07:47,815 --> 00:07:51,340
People what work in hospitals
are truly amazing people.
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00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:53,342
-They are.
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So nice and supportive.
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00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:58,782
It makes you suspicious,
right?
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00:07:58,782 --> 00:08:01,698
Are they stealing the drugs?
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00:08:01,698 --> 00:08:04,527
They're a little too excited
to be around
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00:08:04,527 --> 00:08:07,704
sick people in pajamas.
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00:08:07,704 --> 00:08:09,489
And when I say "sick,"
I'm not talking about
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00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,273
the positive slang, right?
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00:08:11,273 --> 00:08:13,231
'Cause that's--that's part
of our language, right?
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00:08:13,231 --> 00:08:15,277
"That jacket is sick!"
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00:08:15,277 --> 00:08:17,409
But you don't want
a medical professional
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00:08:17,409 --> 00:08:20,412
to be like,
"Your test results are sick!
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I mean, let me clarify,
you're dying."
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00:08:25,635 --> 00:08:27,550
It's got to be hard
to work in a hospital.
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00:08:27,550 --> 00:08:30,161
That hospital lighting.
Everyone looks sick
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00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:31,989
in that hospital lighting.
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00:08:31,989 --> 00:08:35,689
I walked in, they're like,
"We should get you to the ER."
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00:08:35,689 --> 00:08:37,647
"I'm just here
to see my wife."
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00:08:37,647 --> 00:08:40,128
"Well, you have jaundice.
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00:08:40,128 --> 00:08:43,435
See? Compared to--Oh, my gosh!
I have jaundice, too!
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00:08:43,435 --> 00:08:47,091
We all have jaundice!"
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00:08:47,091 --> 00:08:50,355
When my wife would nap,
I would go to the cafeteria.
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00:08:50,355 --> 00:08:53,358
Hospitals have the most
cutting-edge medical equipment,
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00:08:53,358 --> 00:08:56,753
but they're still serving food
like it's Shawshank Redemption.
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00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:02,585
How about selling an MRI machine
and getting a pasta station?
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00:09:04,413 --> 00:09:07,547
"Jim, you're a monster."
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00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,984
There's different sections
in hospitals.
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00:09:09,984 --> 00:09:12,508
There's the Emergency Room,
the Intensive Care Unit.
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00:09:12,508 --> 00:09:15,250
Which sound scary,
but I don't know why anyone
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00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:18,514
would want to stay anywhere
but the Intensive Care Unit.
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00:09:18,514 --> 00:09:20,690
It kind of implies
the rest of the hospital's like,
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00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:23,780
"Look, we care, but we're not
gonna be a spaz about it."
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00:09:25,347 --> 00:09:28,219
"I get a phone call,
I'm gonna take it, right?
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00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:31,179
We're like
the Mediocre Care Unit.
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00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:33,485
Which is better than
We Couldn't Care Less Unit.
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00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:35,575
Those guys are horrible."
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00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:38,969
It's wild.
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00:09:38,969 --> 00:09:41,189
My wife was in surgery
for ten hours.
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00:09:41,189 --> 00:09:43,539
and before the surgery,
the surgeon told me, he goes,
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00:09:43,539 --> 00:09:47,499
"Half way through I'll probably
stop and get lunch."
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00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:50,633
I don't need to know that.
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00:09:50,633 --> 00:09:52,853
Why even tell me that?
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00:09:52,853 --> 00:09:57,205
Was he afraid I was gonna
run into him in the cafeteria?
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00:09:57,205 --> 00:09:59,816
"What are you doing here?!"
194
00:10:01,426 --> 00:10:04,038
"I get these cravings.
195
00:10:04,038 --> 00:10:07,345
Those Snickers commercials
are true."
196
00:10:09,521 --> 00:10:11,741
But he was
a great brain surgeon.
197
00:10:11,741 --> 00:10:14,439
We learned later on
that he's like the best.
198
00:10:14,439 --> 00:10:17,181
I don't know how they determine
the best brain surgeon.
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00:10:17,181 --> 00:10:19,357
You know,
maybe there's a competition.
200
00:10:19,357 --> 00:10:21,403
America's Got Tumors.
201
00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:25,494
Heidi Klum
thought he was the best.
202
00:10:25,494 --> 00:10:27,670
The best brain surgeon.
203
00:10:27,670 --> 00:10:31,718
Isn't it enough that someone's
a brain surgeon?
204
00:10:31,718 --> 00:10:35,199
None of us could even
get in Med School.
205
00:10:35,199 --> 00:10:37,854
A brain surgeon goes
to medical school,
206
00:10:37,854 --> 00:10:40,074
afterwards,
specializes in neurology,
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00:10:40,074 --> 00:10:43,904
after that, specializes
in surgery of the brain,
208
00:10:43,904 --> 00:10:46,602
and we're like,
"Yeah, but are they any good?"
209
00:10:49,083 --> 00:10:52,173
"Yeah,
they're a brain surgeon!"
210
00:10:52,173 --> 00:10:54,828
You know what they do
with the bad brain surgeons?
211
00:10:54,828 --> 00:10:58,527
They don't let them
become brain surgeons.
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00:10:58,527 --> 00:11:02,574
Can you imagine the pressure
on a brain surgeon?
213
00:11:02,574 --> 00:11:05,055
At no point during their workday
can they say,
214
00:11:05,055 --> 00:11:09,016
"Hey,
it ain't brain surgery."
215
00:11:09,016 --> 00:11:12,280
'Cause it's always
brain surgery!
216
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,674
Every day!
217
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:17,720
"What'd you do at work, honey?"
"Brain surgery!"
218
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,940
"That's fun.
You want some fruit?"
219
00:11:19,940 --> 00:11:21,942
"Never!"
220
00:11:25,946 --> 00:11:28,992
My wife had a--she had
an amazing team of doctors.
221
00:11:28,992 --> 00:11:30,428
She had the brain surgeons.
222
00:11:30,428 --> 00:11:32,735
She also had
an ear, nose, and throat doctor.
223
00:11:32,735 --> 00:11:34,606
Ear, nose, and throat.
That kinda sound like
224
00:11:34,606 --> 00:11:37,131
they didn't make the cut
for brain surgeon.
225
00:11:37,131 --> 00:11:39,176
"I wanna be a brain surgeon."
"You know what?
226
00:11:39,176 --> 00:11:42,353
Let's stick with
the ears, nose, and throat.
227
00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:46,314
You'd be better with the things
surrounding the brain."
228
00:11:46,314 --> 00:11:47,881
"Can I have the eyes?"
"You know what?
229
00:11:47,881 --> 00:11:50,666
Let's stick with the ears,
nose, and throat.
230
00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:55,149
We promised the eyes
to the nerd at LensCrafters."
231
00:11:55,149 --> 00:11:58,369
"Why pick an Optometrist?"
232
00:11:58,369 --> 00:11:59,936
Those ear, nose,
and throat doctors,
233
00:11:59,936 --> 00:12:01,546
they must look at dentists
and think,
234
00:12:01,546 --> 00:12:03,897
"Just teeth?
235
00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:05,637
That's it?
What about the tongue?"
236
00:12:05,637 --> 00:12:07,857
"Not the tongue,
just the teeth."
237
00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:10,599
"You just work on teeth?
Surgery on teeth?"
238
00:12:10,599 --> 00:12:13,645
"Oh, I don't do the surgery.
That's the orthodontist.
239
00:12:13,645 --> 00:12:16,605
I mostly scrape stuff
off of teeth...
240
00:12:16,605 --> 00:12:20,217
while I listen to '80s music.
241
00:12:20,217 --> 00:12:23,351
I love Debbie Gibson."
242
00:12:23,351 --> 00:12:25,266
When you think about it,
dentist,
243
00:12:25,266 --> 00:12:28,573
they don't do the surgery,
they don't even clean the teeth.
244
00:12:28,573 --> 00:12:30,532
They're like, "You guys do
everything and then I'll come in
245
00:12:30,532 --> 00:12:33,796
and jab 'em with
a sharp object...
246
00:12:33,796 --> 00:12:35,755
while I listen to Debbie."
247
00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:39,933
I did figure out what type
of doctor I would wantto be,
248
00:12:39,933 --> 00:12:42,196
which is an anesthesiologist.
249
00:12:42,196 --> 00:12:44,720
'Cause just once I'd like to
walk in a room and go,
250
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:47,505
"Hi, I'm Dr. Gaffigan.
I'm gonna give you some drugs
251
00:12:47,505 --> 00:12:49,725
so you can't talk or move...
252
00:12:49,725 --> 00:12:52,946
and one of these strangers
is gonna cut you open.
253
00:12:54,077 --> 00:12:56,688
Good luck."
254
00:12:56,688 --> 00:12:59,866
What draws
someone to anesthesiology?
255
00:12:59,866 --> 00:13:02,303
It's like, "I like medicine,
but I really enjoy
256
00:13:02,303 --> 00:13:06,742
getting people high.
If I could combine the two.
257
00:13:06,742 --> 00:13:10,528
I also prefer
to sit during surgery."
258
00:13:10,528 --> 00:13:13,140
You ever see the
anesthesiologist during surgery?
259
00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:15,272
They're always sitting
there like...
260
00:13:15,272 --> 00:13:19,015
"I don't even know why
I have to be here.
261
00:13:19,015 --> 00:13:21,539
Yeah, they're still alive.
262
00:13:23,977 --> 00:13:26,022
Anyone got the WiFi password?"
263
00:13:29,547 --> 00:13:31,854
But I have a newfound respect
for doctors.
264
00:13:31,854 --> 00:13:34,074
I do.
'Cause when you think about it,
265
00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:36,424
unless we're sick,
we listen to
266
00:13:36,424 --> 00:13:39,122
absolutely nothing
doctors tell us.
267
00:13:39,122 --> 00:13:40,820
They're like,
"You should lose weight."
268
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:44,127
"Never gonna happen.
269
00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:46,738
What else you got?"
270
00:13:46,738 --> 00:13:48,566
"You should exercise."
271
00:13:48,566 --> 00:13:51,352
"Does eating
French fries count?"
272
00:13:51,352 --> 00:13:53,615
"Get out of my office."
273
00:13:53,615 --> 00:13:57,793
I don't even listen when
I bring my kids to the doctor.
274
00:13:57,793 --> 00:14:00,187
The doctor's like,
"To avoid an infection..."
275
00:14:00,187 --> 00:14:03,146
I'm like, "De de de de de de de
de de de de de de de de de."
276
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,497
My wife's like,
"What'd the doctor say?"
277
00:14:06,497 --> 00:14:09,196
"Don't pick the scab.
278
00:14:09,196 --> 00:14:11,851
I don't listen to nerds!"
279
00:14:13,548 --> 00:14:15,593
That was the only time
I would ever see a doctor.
280
00:14:15,593 --> 00:14:17,508
Is when I bring my kids in.
281
00:14:17,508 --> 00:14:20,729
Sometimes I'd try and horn in
on a pediatric appointment.
282
00:14:20,729 --> 00:14:22,470
The doctor'd be like,
"How's little Mikey doing?"
283
00:14:22,470 --> 00:14:24,254
"Mikey's good.
He's good.
284
00:14:24,254 --> 00:14:27,301
He's a little worried about this
mole I have on my arm.
285
00:14:29,172 --> 00:14:31,348
Yeah, I explained to Mikey
that I've always had the mole,
286
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:33,873
but Mikey thinks it might've
changed colors."
287
00:14:35,309 --> 00:14:36,963
"Jim, would you like
to make an appointment?"
288
00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:38,921
"No, it's Mikey.
He just needs a thumbs up
289
00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:40,923
or a thumbs down on the mole.
290
00:14:40,923 --> 00:14:43,621
I know Mikey doesn't want to
play the Hippocratic Oath card,
291
00:14:43,621 --> 00:14:46,276
but you haveto tell us,
don't you?"
292
00:14:48,452 --> 00:14:51,455
I'm mostly healthy.
I, uh, worked out today.
293
00:14:51,455 --> 00:14:54,067
I know I don't need to.
294
00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:58,027
When I'm home in New York City,
I workout at the Chinatown YMCA.
295
00:14:58,027 --> 00:15:00,812
And I realize when people hear
"the Chinatown YMCA"
296
00:15:00,812 --> 00:15:03,815
they think, "Oh, that's not like
a serious place to workout."
297
00:15:03,815 --> 00:15:07,167
And it's not.
It's not at all.
298
00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:09,517
It's mostly little kids
learning how to swim
299
00:15:09,517 --> 00:15:13,173
and really old, Chinese people
with their parents.
300
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:18,178
I didn't even know
you could live to that age.
301
00:15:18,178 --> 00:15:21,790
But I tell you, watching
a 90 year old on an elliptical,
302
00:15:21,790 --> 00:15:25,489
really inspires me
to die in my 70s.
303
00:15:27,578 --> 00:15:31,234
It looks like a machine
is eating someone's grandma.
304
00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:35,064
But I love my Y, you know?
305
00:15:35,064 --> 00:15:36,544
It's--It's different
from a normal health club.
306
00:15:36,544 --> 00:15:38,415
There's never moments
when you think,
307
00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:40,940
"Oh, my gosh, look at how much
weight that guy's lifting."
308
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:43,855
It's more like, "Oh, my gosh,
that guy's smoking...
309
00:15:45,118 --> 00:15:49,426
on a treadmill
in dress pants."
310
00:15:49,426 --> 00:15:53,256
It's very business-casual.
311
00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:55,693
Sure my Y doesn't have
some of the amenities,
312
00:15:55,693 --> 00:15:59,175
but it also doesn't have the
normal health club distractions.
313
00:15:59,175 --> 00:16:01,308
I don't have to deal
with loud music
314
00:16:01,308 --> 00:16:04,267
or people that are in shape.
315
00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:06,400
I walk around my Y
and I'm like, "You know what?
316
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,880
I'm doing okay.
317
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:12,188
Maybe I should teach a class.
318
00:16:12,188 --> 00:16:14,147
Hi, welcome
to advanced elliptical.
319
00:16:14,147 --> 00:16:16,192
Doesn't matter if you don't
have workout clothes on,
320
00:16:16,192 --> 00:16:18,934
we're not gonna be raising
our heart rate.
321
00:16:18,934 --> 00:16:21,937
So let's step on,
pick a show,
322
00:16:21,937 --> 00:16:23,504
and think about
what we're gonna eat.
323
00:16:23,504 --> 00:16:27,334
Okay,
who's having a burger, huh?
324
00:16:27,334 --> 00:16:30,206
Let's practice eating fries."
325
00:16:32,339 --> 00:16:35,037
I'm ignored at my Y.
I'm ignored at all health clubs.
326
00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:36,821
Like, when I walk
into a fitness area,
327
00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:38,910
even in a hotel,
people always look at me like,
328
00:16:38,910 --> 00:16:42,610
"I didn't know
they serve food here."
329
00:16:42,610 --> 00:16:45,613
The only people that approach me
are personal trainers.
330
00:16:45,613 --> 00:16:47,484
They're like, "You looking for
a personal trainer?"
331
00:16:47,484 --> 00:16:49,965
"Uh, no."
"You should be."
332
00:16:49,965 --> 00:16:52,315
So I've gotten to the point,
if I'm approached by
333
00:16:52,315 --> 00:16:55,057
a personal trainer, I just
act like they're hitting on me.
334
00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:56,667
They're like,
"Hey, how you doing?"
335
00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:58,713
"I'm married."
336
00:17:00,715 --> 00:17:03,848
"Uh, I don't think you unders--"
"I understand perfectly!
337
00:17:03,848 --> 00:17:06,634
You wanna get with me...
338
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:10,116
but I'm taken, so you can look,
but no touchie."
339
00:17:13,293 --> 00:17:15,512
I got to do some
international shows this year.
340
00:17:15,512 --> 00:17:18,080
I performed in Japan
for the first time
341
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,256
-which was amazing.
342
00:17:20,256 --> 00:17:22,867
I mean, I wasn't in Japan
just for stand-up,
343
00:17:22,867 --> 00:17:25,914
I was also modeling.
344
00:17:25,914 --> 00:17:28,612
I wish that wasn't that funny.
345
00:17:28,612 --> 00:17:31,311
But Japan--
The Japanese are just--
346
00:17:31,311 --> 00:17:33,095
they're--they're better
at being human.
347
00:17:33,095 --> 00:17:35,097
Can we admit that?
They're--
348
00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:37,882
You know, they're more polite,
they're better at design.
349
00:17:37,882 --> 00:17:39,449
The Japanese toilet.
350
00:17:39,449 --> 00:17:41,321
Are you familiar
with the Japanese toilet?
351
00:17:41,321 --> 00:17:44,237
The Japanese took the most
disgusting experience
352
00:17:44,237 --> 00:17:48,110
of human existence
and fixed it.
353
00:17:48,110 --> 00:17:51,853
The Japanese toilet
washes you, dries you,
354
00:17:51,853 --> 00:17:54,682
does your taxes...
355
00:17:54,682 --> 00:17:58,120
and that is in
a Tokyo airport bathroom.
356
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:01,254
You leave a Japanese
public restroom
357
00:18:01,254 --> 00:18:03,430
cleaner than
when you walked in.
358
00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:07,825
You leave an American
public restroom with PTSD.
359
00:18:09,479 --> 00:18:13,004
Your only thought is, "How can I
forget that experience?
360
00:18:13,004 --> 00:18:16,878
Is there alcohol nearby?"
361
00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:19,185
The entire time I was in Japan
I felt overweight.
362
00:18:19,185 --> 00:18:21,665
Probably
'cause I amoverweight,
363
00:18:21,665 --> 00:18:23,928
but generally the Japanese
are thin.
364
00:18:23,928 --> 00:18:25,974
I mean, there are people
that are overweight in Japan,
365
00:18:25,974 --> 00:18:27,454
but not like in America.
366
00:18:27,454 --> 00:18:31,066
We're better at not being thin.
367
00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:33,242
'Cause if you get
really fat in Japan,
368
00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:35,592
they make you Sumo wrestle.
369
00:18:35,592 --> 00:18:39,074
They make their fat people
fight each other...
370
00:18:40,293 --> 00:18:43,861
To entertain the thin people!
371
00:18:43,861 --> 00:18:47,778
And the fat people in Japan
go along with it!
372
00:18:47,778 --> 00:18:50,041
"Why am I doing this?"
"It's prestigious.
373
00:18:50,041 --> 00:18:53,523
Now you try and push that other
fat ass out of the circle
374
00:18:53,523 --> 00:18:56,613
while we try not to giggle...
375
00:18:56,613 --> 00:18:58,659
But first,
throw on this giant diaper
376
00:18:58,659 --> 00:19:02,010
and put your hair in a bun.
It's very dignified."
377
00:19:05,666 --> 00:19:07,711
The Japanese are quiet
and polite.
378
00:19:07,711 --> 00:19:10,279
They're like the opposite
of my children.
379
00:19:10,279 --> 00:19:13,804
I had my kids with me and they
were always making loud noises.
380
00:19:13,804 --> 00:19:16,111
Occasionally, I would catch
a Japanese person looking at
381
00:19:16,111 --> 00:19:18,548
my poorly behaved kids
and then they would look at me
382
00:19:18,548 --> 00:19:20,202
and I'd always say
the same thing,
383
00:19:20,202 --> 00:19:22,248
"We're Canadian."
384
00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:26,687
Of course,
we're not Canadian, but...
385
00:19:26,687 --> 00:19:28,341
that is what
some Americans do
386
00:19:28,341 --> 00:19:29,603
when they travel
internationally.
387
00:19:29,603 --> 00:19:30,908
They tell people
they're Canadian.
388
00:19:30,908 --> 00:19:32,606
Which I think is cowardly.
389
00:19:32,606 --> 00:19:36,218
That's why I always
tell people I'm North Korean.
390
00:19:36,218 --> 00:19:41,092
Then I get the respect
I deserve!
391
00:19:41,092 --> 00:19:43,617
How much attention
does the country
392
00:19:43,617 --> 00:19:45,358
of North Korea
need at this point?
393
00:19:45,358 --> 00:19:46,707
Every two days
North Korea's like,
394
00:19:46,707 --> 00:19:50,667
"We're gonna blow up
the world!"
395
00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:53,757
Isn't there a party that's like,
"Then just do it.
396
00:19:55,368 --> 00:19:58,588
Get it over with,
you spaz."
397
00:19:58,588 --> 00:20:01,809
"Jim, don't even joke around
about that.
398
00:20:01,809 --> 00:20:05,378
What if someone from
North Korea was in the audience?
399
00:20:05,378 --> 00:20:08,990
They have a missile program."
400
00:20:08,990 --> 00:20:10,905
It's kinda fun tracking
the North Korean
401
00:20:10,905 --> 00:20:12,950
missile program, right?
They're like, "North Korea
402
00:20:12,950 --> 00:20:15,301
has missiles
that can reach Alaska."
403
00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:18,260
"Oh, my gosh, Alaska?!
Well, I don't know anyone
404
00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:21,350
that lives in Alaska."
405
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:24,440
"North Korea has missiles
that can reach the West Coast."
406
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,399
"Oh, my gosh,
the West Coast?
407
00:20:26,399 --> 00:20:29,271
Well, I don't go there
that often."
408
00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:31,969
"North Korea has missles
that can reach the East Coast."
409
00:20:31,969 --> 00:20:34,624
"Whoa! We gotta do something
about this!
410
00:20:34,624 --> 00:20:37,627
Now we're talking about
real people!"
411
00:20:39,977 --> 00:20:42,980
-Oh, thank you.
412
00:20:46,593 --> 00:20:49,596
I did some shows in China.
All in Chinese.
413
00:20:49,596 --> 00:20:52,338
I picked it up at the Y.
414
00:20:52,338 --> 00:20:55,210
It's not that hard.
It wasn't that complicated.
415
00:20:55,210 --> 00:20:57,604
You visit some places
and you think, "All right,
416
00:20:57,604 --> 00:20:59,562
there's a language barrier,
but I can get by."
417
00:20:59,562 --> 00:21:01,999
In China I was like, "Oh,
if I got lost I would die here."
418
00:21:04,045 --> 00:21:06,830
I wouldn't last a half a day.
419
00:21:06,830 --> 00:21:10,225
Everyone's looking at me
like I'm a ghost anyway.
420
00:21:10,225 --> 00:21:13,184
The Chinese were very nice.
They were fascinated
421
00:21:13,184 --> 00:21:15,317
with my pale,
blonde children.
422
00:21:15,317 --> 00:21:17,319
Many of them wanted pictures
with my kids.
423
00:21:17,319 --> 00:21:20,670
They didn't really ask.
They just grabbed a kid.
424
00:21:20,670 --> 00:21:22,803
"Can I have a picture
with this one?"
425
00:21:22,803 --> 00:21:24,805
"I guess you're gonna."
426
00:21:26,197 --> 00:21:27,721
And when they were done
with the picture,
427
00:21:27,721 --> 00:21:30,201
they would rub
my blonde kid's head 'cause
428
00:21:30,201 --> 00:21:34,554
you know, they're my kids,
but they're also lucky objects.
429
00:21:34,554 --> 00:21:36,512
And after this happened
a couple times I was like,
430
00:21:36,512 --> 00:21:40,037
"Hey!
We should charge, right?"
431
00:21:42,257 --> 00:21:45,216
China was fascinating
and exhausting.
432
00:21:45,216 --> 00:21:47,131
I brought my kids
to The Great Wall,
433
00:21:47,131 --> 00:21:49,351
we saw the Terracotta Warriors,
we walked through
434
00:21:49,351 --> 00:21:51,788
the Forbidden City,
we rode in a ricksha,
435
00:21:51,788 --> 00:21:54,095
and when we were leaving
I asked my five year old,
436
00:21:54,095 --> 00:21:55,879
I said, "What was your favorite
part of China?"
437
00:21:55,879 --> 00:21:57,838
And he said,
"I liked that time we saw
438
00:21:57,838 --> 00:22:01,145
the truck with the pigs on it."
439
00:22:01,145 --> 00:22:03,452
'Cause at one point,
we were stuck in traffic
440
00:22:03,452 --> 00:22:08,196
and this truck pulled up
and it had pigs in cages.
441
00:22:08,196 --> 00:22:10,241
And that was
his favorite part.
442
00:22:13,244 --> 00:22:15,246
After the 15 hour flight.
443
00:22:17,423 --> 00:22:19,163
And I remember when that truck
pulled up
444
00:22:19,163 --> 00:22:20,991
'cause I remember looking
at those pigs
445
00:22:20,991 --> 00:22:24,038
and feeling sorry for them,
but those pigs looked happy.
446
00:22:24,038 --> 00:22:25,909
It was almost like the pigs
were looking at me
447
00:22:25,909 --> 00:22:27,346
and my five screaming kids
and going,
448
00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:29,043
"Well,
at least we're not that slob."
449
00:22:33,395 --> 00:22:35,354
I do enjoy travelling
to other countries.
450
00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:36,746
Seeing how different,
451
00:22:36,746 --> 00:22:38,618
but essentially similar
we all are.
452
00:22:38,618 --> 00:22:41,882
Like the U.K. is not
that different from the U.S..
453
00:22:41,882 --> 00:22:43,840
You know, if anything,
you go over there and it seems
454
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,669
like British people are trying
to be different from Americans.
455
00:22:46,669 --> 00:22:48,497
They're like,
"Oh, you drive on the right side
456
00:22:48,497 --> 00:22:50,717
of the road?
Then--then we're gonna drive
457
00:22:50,717 --> 00:22:52,806
on the left side of the road.
458
00:22:52,806 --> 00:22:54,677
Oh, you call your mother 'mom'?
459
00:22:54,677 --> 00:22:57,680
Then we're gonna call ours...
'mum'.
460
00:22:58,986 --> 00:23:01,118
Oh, you call that a cookie?
461
00:23:01,118 --> 00:23:03,251
Then we're not going
to the dentist."
462
00:23:06,689 --> 00:23:08,517
You know that's true.
463
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,654
I did notice something
when I was over there.
464
00:23:14,654 --> 00:23:16,307
You know, British people,
they don't say
465
00:23:16,307 --> 00:23:18,222
"the" before "hospital."
You ever notice that?
466
00:23:18,222 --> 00:23:19,702
They're like,
"Hospital?
467
00:23:19,702 --> 00:23:22,357
I was feeling knackered
so I went to hospital."
468
00:23:22,357 --> 00:23:23,706
Whenever they
would do that, I'd say,
469
00:23:23,706 --> 00:23:26,187
"Stop that.
That's wrong and weird.
470
00:23:26,187 --> 00:23:30,017
Are you trying to sound
like a polite caveman?
471
00:23:30,017 --> 00:23:31,888
And I had a friend from London,
he was like,
472
00:23:31,888 --> 00:23:33,542
"What makes you
think you're doing it properly?"
473
00:23:33,542 --> 00:23:35,065
And I go,
"'Cause I'm American
474
00:23:35,065 --> 00:23:37,677
and we invented
the English language."
475
00:23:40,593 --> 00:23:43,334
It was a pet peeve of mine.
So I did some research.
476
00:23:43,334 --> 00:23:46,468
You know why British people
don't say "the" before hospital?
477
00:23:46,468 --> 00:23:48,992
'Cause they're dicks.
478
00:23:48,992 --> 00:23:51,342
"Jim!"
479
00:23:51,342 --> 00:23:53,867
I know that sounds harsh,
but admit it!
480
00:23:53,867 --> 00:23:56,304
British people
always talk to Americans
481
00:23:56,304 --> 00:23:58,480
like we just walked
into their jewelry store
482
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,091
with two full bags of garbage.
483
00:24:01,091 --> 00:24:04,443
"Ugh, may I help you?
484
00:24:05,574 --> 00:24:08,621
Are you lost?
485
00:24:08,621 --> 00:24:12,059
"
486
00:24:14,365 --> 00:24:15,671
Obviously, I love the Brits
487
00:24:15,671 --> 00:24:18,674
and I would never do those jokes
there.
488
00:24:21,677 --> 00:24:24,114
I have been lucky enough
to perform in the U.K.
489
00:24:24,114 --> 00:24:26,856
a couple times and one time
I was walking through
490
00:24:26,856 --> 00:24:28,771
Piccadilly Circus--
which, for the record,
491
00:24:28,771 --> 00:24:32,601
is a horrible circus.
There's no animals.
492
00:24:32,601 --> 00:24:34,560
No, I was walking through
Piccadilly Circus
493
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:36,475
and I saw they had
an M&M store
494
00:24:36,475 --> 00:24:38,738
and I looked at that M&M store
and it just made me think
495
00:24:38,738 --> 00:24:41,828
of all the things the British
have given the Americans.
496
00:24:41,828 --> 00:24:44,700
Like our language,
Shakespeare,
497
00:24:44,700 --> 00:24:47,398
the Magna Carta,
and I looked at the M&M store
498
00:24:47,398 --> 00:24:49,618
and I thought,
"Now we're even."
499
00:24:53,230 --> 00:24:55,885
When I looked at the M&M store,
I wasn't even embarrassed
500
00:24:55,885 --> 00:24:59,759
to be American,
I was ashamed to be human
501
00:24:59,759 --> 00:25:03,066
'cause has anyone at any point
in their life thought,
502
00:25:03,066 --> 00:25:06,722
"When are they gonna open
an M&M store?
503
00:25:06,722 --> 00:25:10,813
Sure, I can buy
M&Ms absolutely anywhere,
504
00:25:10,813 --> 00:25:13,555
but I like to buy in bulk...
505
00:25:13,555 --> 00:25:17,951
in a pro-M&M environment."
506
00:25:17,951 --> 00:25:20,344
Obviously, we don't need
an M&M store.
507
00:25:20,344 --> 00:25:23,652
We don't even need
different colored M&Ms.
508
00:25:23,652 --> 00:25:26,176
They all taste the same.
509
00:25:26,176 --> 00:25:30,093
They're just bits of chocolate
shaped like Advil.
510
00:25:31,442 --> 00:25:33,706
With an M on it.
They're not even M&Ms.
511
00:25:33,706 --> 00:25:36,360
They're Ms!
512
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,058
We don't do that
with anything else.
513
00:25:38,058 --> 00:25:39,494
"You want some
raisin & raisins?
514
00:25:39,494 --> 00:25:42,715
Go ahead, grab a handful
of raisin & raisins."
515
00:25:45,108 --> 00:25:47,589
No, I don't even know
how many M&Ms
516
00:25:47,589 --> 00:25:49,678
or Ms they would have to sell
in London
517
00:25:49,678 --> 00:25:52,507
to justify Piccadilly Circus
real estate,
518
00:25:52,507 --> 00:25:55,554
but this M&M store
is massive in the U.K..
519
00:25:55,554 --> 00:25:57,904
It is three levels--
which I guess makes sense,
520
00:25:57,904 --> 00:26:00,384
'cause the first level
so you can buy M&Ms,
521
00:26:00,384 --> 00:26:03,257
the second level
so you can buy more M&Ms,
522
00:26:03,257 --> 00:26:07,217
and then the third level
so you can jump to your death
523
00:26:07,217 --> 00:26:11,395
'cause you wasted time
in an M&M store
524
00:26:11,395 --> 00:26:15,791
when you were in London!
525
00:26:15,791 --> 00:26:17,619
By the way,
I don't have any judgement.
526
00:26:17,619 --> 00:26:20,187
If you personally enjoy
going to the M&M store,
527
00:26:20,187 --> 00:26:23,538
that's fine, but, obviously,
you shouldn't vote.
528
00:26:31,502 --> 00:26:33,417
I was with my kids
at the time
529
00:26:33,417 --> 00:26:35,245
and they wanted to go
to the M&M store,
530
00:26:35,245 --> 00:26:39,162
'cause little children
only wanna do horrible things.
531
00:26:39,162 --> 00:26:41,208
Kids never
wanna do something fun
532
00:26:41,208 --> 00:26:45,908
like sit in a dark bar
and drink beer.
533
00:26:45,908 --> 00:26:47,954
And I remember standing there
with my kids
534
00:26:47,954 --> 00:26:50,260
and I was aware that
there were other parents
535
00:26:50,260 --> 00:26:52,045
with their children
in the M&M store
536
00:26:52,045 --> 00:26:53,786
'cause that's what you do
as a parent.
537
00:26:53,786 --> 00:26:56,179
You do things with your kids
'cause you love them,
538
00:26:56,179 --> 00:27:01,054
but I realized in that moment
I don't love my kids that much.
539
00:27:01,054 --> 00:27:04,318
I love them enough
to walk by the M&M store.
540
00:27:04,318 --> 00:27:07,582
"Jim, you're a monster."
541
00:27:07,582 --> 00:27:10,019
But being a parent is not that
different from being a tourist.
542
00:27:10,019 --> 00:27:12,021
It's essentially
the same experience.
543
00:27:12,021 --> 00:27:14,371
In both
you walk around exhausted
544
00:27:14,371 --> 00:27:16,373
spending money you don't have
545
00:27:16,373 --> 00:27:18,419
while you look for a bathroom.
546
00:27:20,203 --> 00:27:22,771
It's the same experience.
547
00:27:22,771 --> 00:27:25,208
You know?
Thank you.
548
00:27:30,083 --> 00:27:33,434
I, uh...I was recently given
a gift certificate
549
00:27:33,434 --> 00:27:38,308
for a massage which I will
never use because I'm not
550
00:27:38,308 --> 00:27:41,529
one of the Real Housewives
of Beverly Hills.
551
00:27:41,529 --> 00:27:43,705
I've gotten a massage before,
but I just--
552
00:27:43,705 --> 00:27:47,056
I find it hard
to justify a massage like,
553
00:27:47,056 --> 00:27:48,797
"You know what I deserve?
554
00:27:48,797 --> 00:27:51,844
To have someone I don't know
rub my body.
555
00:27:51,844 --> 00:27:55,238
Let's make that happen people."
556
00:27:55,238 --> 00:27:57,545
'Cause massages
are always from strangers.
557
00:27:57,545 --> 00:28:00,766
We get massages from strangers
'cause we can't count
558
00:28:00,766 --> 00:28:04,813
on the people who love us
to touch us.
559
00:28:04,813 --> 00:28:06,859
Right? I mean,
it could be your best friend.
560
00:28:06,859 --> 00:28:08,904
"You see that guy?
I'd take a bullet for him.
561
00:28:08,904 --> 00:28:12,473
I'm not giving him a massage.
I'm no queer."
562
00:28:12,473 --> 00:28:15,737
My wife, the woman I love,
the mother of my children,
563
00:28:15,737 --> 00:28:19,436
here's my massage, "You good?
That's--my hand's cramping."
564
00:28:21,090 --> 00:28:23,658
So we pay total strangers.
565
00:28:23,658 --> 00:28:26,661
"Hey, I know nothing about you,
why don't I take off my clothes
566
00:28:26,661 --> 00:28:30,143
and climb on this padded
dining room table?
567
00:28:30,143 --> 00:28:32,623
Then you can do
whatever you want."
568
00:28:32,623 --> 00:28:34,843
We know nothing
about these people.
569
00:28:34,843 --> 00:28:38,542
I don't even ask
if their a masseuse.
570
00:28:38,542 --> 00:28:41,981
"Oh, you're dressed like
an orderly in a mental ward,
571
00:28:41,981 --> 00:28:44,026
why don't I get in the most
vulnerable position
572
00:28:44,026 --> 00:28:46,202
I can think of?
573
00:28:46,202 --> 00:28:49,292
How about face down
on the donut pillow?
574
00:28:49,292 --> 00:28:50,685
Does that work for you?
575
00:28:50,685 --> 00:28:52,078
'Cause then I can look
at your feet
576
00:28:52,078 --> 00:28:55,342
and imagine
you're grabbing knives."
577
00:28:55,342 --> 00:28:58,606
What do we really know
about massage therapists?
578
00:28:58,606 --> 00:29:01,522
They like to rub strangers
for money
579
00:29:01,522 --> 00:29:05,221
while they listen
to the Avitarsoundtrack.
580
00:29:05,221 --> 00:29:07,702
That's a red flag!
581
00:29:07,702 --> 00:29:11,662
Those are the traits
of a serial killer!
582
00:29:11,662 --> 00:29:13,664
I never know
what to say during a massage.
583
00:29:13,664 --> 00:29:15,666
Sometimes I'll try
and break the ice.
584
00:29:15,666 --> 00:29:19,670
I'll be like, "Hey, you're not
allergic to leprosy, are ya?"
585
00:29:19,670 --> 00:29:22,412
They never laugh
'cause they're busy
586
00:29:22,412 --> 00:29:25,328
imagining making a suit
out of my skin.
587
00:29:25,328 --> 00:29:27,200
'Cause they're murderers.
588
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:30,246
They already put the lotion
in the basket.
589
00:29:32,422 --> 00:29:35,469
-Thank you.
590
00:29:39,821 --> 00:29:41,780
I don't even know what type
of massage I'm getting
591
00:29:41,780 --> 00:29:44,217
when I get a massage.
"Do you want a deep tissue,
592
00:29:44,217 --> 00:29:46,219
a shiatsu,
or a Swedish massage?"
593
00:29:46,219 --> 00:29:47,829
I'm like,
"I'll take the blonde."
594
00:29:47,829 --> 00:29:50,179
I don't know.
595
00:29:50,179 --> 00:29:52,225
'Cause men view massages
differently.
596
00:29:52,225 --> 00:29:54,183
A woman gets a massage
her friends are like,
597
00:29:54,183 --> 00:29:56,664
"Good for you."
A guy gets a massage,
598
00:29:56,664 --> 00:30:00,711
"You dirty dog, eh!"
599
00:30:00,711 --> 00:30:04,759
'Cause men sexualize
all human interaction.
600
00:30:04,759 --> 00:30:06,848
"It was a therapeutic massage."
601
00:30:06,848 --> 00:30:10,852
"How therapeutic?"
"Nothing happened."
602
00:30:10,852 --> 00:30:13,899
"Yeah, that's what
we'll tell your wife, huh?"
603
00:30:13,899 --> 00:30:16,771
That's gotta be frustrating
for massage therapists.
604
00:30:16,771 --> 00:30:19,556
That double meaning.
"Did you get a massage
605
00:30:19,556 --> 00:30:22,211
or a massage?"
606
00:30:22,211 --> 00:30:24,300
No other occupation
has to deal with it.
607
00:30:24,300 --> 00:30:28,174
"Did you get a cavity filled
or a cavity filled?"
608
00:30:30,176 --> 00:30:33,657
"How many dentistry references
is he gonna have?"
609
00:30:35,355 --> 00:30:39,315
For me, a massage is just
an hour of awkwardness, right?
610
00:30:39,315 --> 00:30:41,448
She gets done,
she leaves the room,
611
00:30:41,448 --> 00:30:43,058
I put on the robe,
I step outside,
612
00:30:43,058 --> 00:30:44,973
she hands me a glass of water.
613
00:30:44,973 --> 00:30:48,716
I always look at her and go,
"You're never gonna call me.
614
00:30:48,716 --> 00:30:51,893
What a charade."
615
00:30:51,893 --> 00:30:53,808
I did have
one massage therapist,
616
00:30:53,808 --> 00:30:56,506
she told me they're allowed
to turn people down.
617
00:30:56,506 --> 00:30:59,553
I don't know
why she told methat.
618
00:30:59,553 --> 00:31:02,121
It was after a show.
619
00:31:02,121 --> 00:31:03,644
Can you imagine getting
turned down
620
00:31:03,644 --> 00:31:06,603
by a massage therapist?
That's rough.
621
00:31:06,603 --> 00:31:09,955
"Yeah, you couldn't pay me
to touch you.
622
00:31:09,955 --> 00:31:13,610
Not for all the money
on the planet."
623
00:31:13,610 --> 00:31:16,570
Massages,
that's how some people relax.
624
00:31:16,570 --> 00:31:18,964
Some people relax
in a hot sauna.
625
00:31:18,964 --> 00:31:21,270
And sure,
who doesn't love recreating
626
00:31:21,270 --> 00:31:24,926
the feeling of being trapped
inside an active volcano?
627
00:31:26,449 --> 00:31:28,408
I don't understand
the appeal of a sauna.
628
00:31:28,408 --> 00:31:30,279
Here's every experience
I've had in a sauna.
629
00:31:30,279 --> 00:31:32,325
I'm like, "Okay,
I'm gonna get a sweat going,
630
00:31:32,325 --> 00:31:34,109
it's gonna be
really good for me.
631
00:31:34,109 --> 00:31:36,938
Here we go.
It's time to get out, right?
632
00:31:36,938 --> 00:31:39,332
I don't wanna overdo it."
633
00:31:39,332 --> 00:31:43,031
What is so relaxing
about sitting in a hot box
634
00:31:43,031 --> 00:31:46,469
next to a pile
of smouldering rocks?
635
00:31:46,469 --> 00:31:50,082
I always look at the rocks like,
"Whoever's cookin' the rocks,
636
00:31:50,082 --> 00:31:52,301
they're done.
637
00:31:52,301 --> 00:31:55,522
That's a wrap
on the rock cookin'."
638
00:31:55,522 --> 00:31:57,524
And to make the sauna
more enjoyable,
639
00:31:57,524 --> 00:32:01,049
you're always seated next to
a naked, 80-year-old man.
640
00:32:01,049 --> 00:32:04,923
"Oh, good, I get to sweat
next to someone's grandpa
641
00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:08,883
who's only wearing
a hand towel."
642
00:32:08,883 --> 00:32:12,278
The nudity in the sauna
seems unnecessary.
643
00:32:12,278 --> 00:32:14,323
This isn't Rome.
644
00:32:15,977 --> 00:32:17,848
I just look around
the sauna like, "Wow...
645
00:32:17,848 --> 00:32:20,503
so this is why
we wear clothes, huh?"
646
00:32:21,983 --> 00:32:23,985
So we may eventually eat.
647
00:32:25,900 --> 00:32:29,208
In Finland--In Finland
where they invented the sauna,
648
00:32:29,208 --> 00:32:32,776
they relax in Finland
by drinking vodka in the sauna.
649
00:32:32,776 --> 00:32:35,127
Which might explain why
we've never read
650
00:32:35,127 --> 00:32:37,956
any Finnish literature.
651
00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:39,914
Vodka in the sauna?
652
00:32:39,914 --> 00:32:42,830
Actually, the Fins,
they pronounce it, "Sao-na"
653
00:32:42,830 --> 00:32:45,572
'cause they're wasted.
654
00:32:45,572 --> 00:32:47,617
"You wanna go to the 'sao-na'
655
00:32:47,617 --> 00:32:50,620
and drink some 'bodka'?"
656
00:32:50,620 --> 00:32:53,232
Drinking vodka in a sauna?
657
00:32:53,232 --> 00:32:55,147
You know what kind of
ideas you come up with?
658
00:32:55,147 --> 00:32:57,192
An M&M store.
659
00:32:59,020 --> 00:33:02,023
-Thank you.
660
00:33:05,940 --> 00:33:09,291
In Finland--In Finland,
I was invited to take a sauna.
661
00:33:09,291 --> 00:33:11,902
I was also invited
to go cross-country skiing
662
00:33:11,902 --> 00:33:14,993
and I could think is,
"Is fun illegal here?"
663
00:33:17,038 --> 00:33:21,042
Like what kind of antidepressant
do you have to be on
664
00:33:21,042 --> 00:33:24,132
to enjoy cross-country skiing?
665
00:33:24,132 --> 00:33:26,526
I can't believe
cross-country skiing's
666
00:33:26,526 --> 00:33:28,136
even a sport.
667
00:33:28,136 --> 00:33:30,965
"Hey, you know that awkward part
in downhill skiing
668
00:33:30,965 --> 00:33:35,143
where you're trying
to get over to the lift?
669
00:33:35,143 --> 00:33:37,189
What if we just did that?
670
00:33:39,669 --> 00:33:41,671
Whoo!
671
00:33:42,977 --> 00:33:45,936
This is fun!
672
00:33:45,936 --> 00:33:48,504
And to turn around--"
"You know what?
673
00:33:48,504 --> 00:33:50,767
Don't turn around.
674
00:33:50,767 --> 00:33:52,813
Let's go across the country."
675
00:33:56,121 --> 00:34:00,125
People who enjoy winter
seem mentally unstable.
676
00:34:01,430 --> 00:34:03,084
Right?
Some of those winter activities
677
00:34:03,084 --> 00:34:04,999
should get you committed.
678
00:34:04,999 --> 00:34:07,001
It's like, "Look, we love you,
we're just worried.
679
00:34:07,001 --> 00:34:09,134
I mean,
yesterday we caught you
680
00:34:09,134 --> 00:34:11,310
walking through the woods
with tennis rackets
681
00:34:11,310 --> 00:34:14,835
tied to your feet.
682
00:34:14,835 --> 00:34:19,709
This morning, we saw you
sweeping the frozen lake.
683
00:34:19,709 --> 00:34:22,103
What's next?
You sitting in a sled
684
00:34:22,103 --> 00:34:25,367
being pulled by dogs?
685
00:34:25,367 --> 00:34:27,369
Get some help."
686
00:34:29,458 --> 00:34:31,765
Oh, I did one of those
genetic tests.
687
00:34:31,765 --> 00:34:34,202
I was surprised to find out
I'm all Asian.
688
00:34:35,986 --> 00:34:37,988
You do learn things
from those genetic tests.
689
00:34:37,988 --> 00:34:41,340
Like I discovered
I wasted 100 bucks.
690
00:34:43,907 --> 00:34:45,953
They send you information.
Mine just said,
691
00:34:45,953 --> 00:34:48,129
"Dude, you're white.
692
00:34:48,129 --> 00:34:50,218
In fact,
you're verywhite.
693
00:34:50,218 --> 00:34:53,439
I hope you feel guilty."
694
00:34:53,439 --> 00:34:55,571
They didn't even break down
my nationality.
695
00:34:55,571 --> 00:34:57,312
They just highlighted
all the British Isles.
696
00:34:57,312 --> 00:34:59,967
They're like,
"You're trash from here.
697
00:34:59,967 --> 00:35:03,449
Wherever people need sunscreen."
698
00:35:03,449 --> 00:35:06,408
But what do we expect to learn
from these genetic tests?
699
00:35:06,408 --> 00:35:10,804
Like, "Oh, my gosh!
I'm related to my ancestors!"
700
00:35:12,240 --> 00:35:15,983
We're only gonna find out
bad news.
701
00:35:15,983 --> 00:35:17,376
You see it in the commercials.
702
00:35:17,376 --> 00:35:19,987
I thought I was Italian,
but it ends up,
703
00:35:19,987 --> 00:35:22,555
my great-grandma
was a whore.
704
00:35:24,948 --> 00:35:28,256
So I guess
I'm Eastern European.
705
00:35:28,256 --> 00:35:30,084
Sometimes people think
I'm saying
706
00:35:30,084 --> 00:35:31,825
Eastern Europeans
are whores and...
707
00:35:31,825 --> 00:35:33,870
I am.
No.
708
00:35:33,870 --> 00:35:37,483
My point is,
only good family news
709
00:35:37,483 --> 00:35:39,354
is passed along.
710
00:35:39,354 --> 00:35:42,052
Like, if your great-grandfather
was Abraham Lincoln,
711
00:35:42,052 --> 00:35:44,229
you'd already know that,
712
00:35:44,229 --> 00:35:47,797
but if your great-grandfather
was the town drunk,
713
00:35:47,797 --> 00:35:52,759
your grandpa's likely to go,
"Uh, I don't remember.
714
00:35:52,759 --> 00:35:55,283
I think he worked in a bar.
715
00:35:55,283 --> 00:35:58,025
Chief gutter inspector."
716
00:35:58,025 --> 00:36:00,593
I do know I have
some Irish ancestry,
717
00:36:00,593 --> 00:36:03,422
but, apparently, the Irish
didn't keep great records
718
00:36:03,422 --> 00:36:05,815
'cause, well,
draw your own conclusion.
719
00:36:07,469 --> 00:36:11,343
Something tells me
they weren't busy sunbathing.
720
00:36:11,343 --> 00:36:13,997
I'm Irish,
but I have blonde hair.
721
00:36:13,997 --> 00:36:15,956
Supposedly, the only reason
the Irish
722
00:36:15,956 --> 00:36:19,916
have blonde or red hair
is 'cause the Vikings invaded,
723
00:36:19,916 --> 00:36:22,615
pillaged,
and probably other stuff.
724
00:36:22,615 --> 00:36:24,791
Those Vikings,
the Scandinavians,
725
00:36:24,791 --> 00:36:26,488
I don't know if
you've been to Sweden,
726
00:36:26,488 --> 00:36:29,361
it's like a whole country
of Scarlett Johanssons.
727
00:36:29,361 --> 00:36:31,798
If I was in Ireland at that
time, I would've been,
728
00:36:31,798 --> 00:36:34,409
"Oh, no, some Viking ladies
coming to pillage me.
729
00:36:34,409 --> 00:36:38,283
I guess I'll hide on this bed
covered in rose petals.
730
00:36:41,329 --> 00:36:45,333
Hopefully she can help me
put together that table.
731
00:36:54,255 --> 00:36:56,910
They say last names
can tell you something.
732
00:36:56,910 --> 00:36:59,042
Like if your last name
is Cooper,
733
00:36:59,042 --> 00:37:01,741
that means you probably had
an ancestor who made barrels.
734
00:37:01,741 --> 00:37:04,047
If your last name is Canter,
that means somebody
735
00:37:04,047 --> 00:37:05,614
along the line was a singer.
736
00:37:05,614 --> 00:37:09,139
My last name is Gaffigan,
which is Gaelic
737
00:37:09,139 --> 00:37:11,185
for "highly anxious."
738
00:37:13,318 --> 00:37:15,972
And when I learned that,
all I could feel was...
739
00:37:15,972 --> 00:37:18,497
highly anxious.
I mean...
740
00:37:18,497 --> 00:37:22,457
how anxious do you have to be
for people to go,
741
00:37:22,457 --> 00:37:25,330
"You should go with it
as your name."
742
00:37:25,330 --> 00:37:27,767
"Why's that?"
743
00:37:27,767 --> 00:37:30,422
"That's what
we call you anyway."
744
00:37:30,422 --> 00:37:32,206
It does seem like
some last names
745
00:37:32,206 --> 00:37:33,816
were chosen to impress,
right?
746
00:37:33,816 --> 00:37:35,296
You know, someone's like,
"You know what?
747
00:37:35,296 --> 00:37:37,037
I want the ladies to know
I'm successful,
748
00:37:37,037 --> 00:37:40,345
so I'm gonna go with
the last name, 'Goldman.'
749
00:37:40,345 --> 00:37:41,998
Goldman,
what are you going with?
750
00:37:41,998 --> 00:37:44,044
"Weiner."
751
00:37:45,350 --> 00:37:48,875
I want the ladies to know
I like hotdogs."
752
00:37:48,875 --> 00:37:51,399
But who knows?
Maybe last names mean nothing.
753
00:37:51,399 --> 00:37:52,922
You know,
where I'm from in Indiana,
754
00:37:52,922 --> 00:37:55,403
there is a guy who owns
an RV dealership
755
00:37:55,403 --> 00:37:58,885
and his name is Tom Raper.
756
00:37:58,885 --> 00:38:01,148
That's his name.
And there are billboards.
757
00:38:01,148 --> 00:38:04,064
"Come see Tom Raper."
758
00:38:04,064 --> 00:38:06,066
And people go.
759
00:38:07,328 --> 00:38:09,243
"Well,
we should check it out."
760
00:38:09,243 --> 00:38:11,680
Now I don't know
why we would let someone
761
00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:14,509
named Raper sell RVs.
762
00:38:14,509 --> 00:38:18,208
They are essentially
mobile crime scenes.
763
00:38:19,949 --> 00:38:23,953
If my last name were Raper,
I wouldn't leave the house.
764
00:38:23,953 --> 00:38:25,346
How do you even
go out to dinner?
765
00:38:25,346 --> 00:38:28,349
"Party of two.
Raper.
766
00:38:28,349 --> 00:38:31,744
Is there a Raper here?"
767
00:38:31,744 --> 00:38:33,223
Are there family reunions?
768
00:38:33,223 --> 00:38:36,139
"Are you a Raper?
I'm a Raper.
769
00:38:36,139 --> 00:38:40,100
Is this your son?
He looks just like a Raper.
770
00:38:40,100 --> 00:38:42,885
It's so fun getting
all the Rapers together."
771
00:38:45,584 --> 00:38:49,936
In Milwaukee, I stayed in
a hotel named The Fister.
772
00:38:49,936 --> 00:38:51,981
That was the name.
The Fister.
773
00:38:51,981 --> 00:38:54,593
And--And, obviously, they were
sensitive to it sounding weird,
774
00:38:54,593 --> 00:38:59,337
so they added a P at the front.
So it was The Pfister.
775
00:38:59,337 --> 00:39:02,601
Hey, it worked
for Michelle Pfeiffer.
776
00:39:02,601 --> 00:39:06,909
And that hotel was started
by a man named Guido Pfister
777
00:39:06,909 --> 00:39:08,737
who thought,
"My name's Guido Pfister,
778
00:39:08,737 --> 00:39:12,001
why don't I go
into hospitality?"
779
00:39:12,001 --> 00:39:13,263
Guido Pfister?
780
00:39:13,263 --> 00:39:15,570
His name sounds like
an ethnic slur.
781
00:39:15,570 --> 00:39:19,182
"Get outta here,
you Guido Pfister!
782
00:39:19,182 --> 00:39:22,447
Go pfist somewhere else!"
783
00:39:28,540 --> 00:39:30,759
I don't know if you can tell
by looking at me,
784
00:39:30,759 --> 00:39:35,373
but I'm kinda obsessed with
not being interested in fashion.
785
00:39:35,373 --> 00:39:39,115
It's, uh, something I care
deeply not about.
786
00:39:39,115 --> 00:39:41,640
And I'm aware that
not being into fashion
787
00:39:41,640 --> 00:39:44,643
is a fashion choice, right?
How annoying is that?
788
00:39:44,643 --> 00:39:46,035
It's like,
"Oh, you're not into fashion?
789
00:39:46,035 --> 00:39:47,907
That means
you're an norm core."
790
00:39:47,907 --> 00:39:49,996
Why can't I just wear clothes
791
00:39:49,996 --> 00:39:53,042
to cover my disgusting body?
792
00:39:53,042 --> 00:39:55,654
Why must it be a choice?
793
00:39:55,654 --> 00:39:58,570
'Cause the only choice I make
when it comes to clothing
794
00:39:58,570 --> 00:40:01,616
is
"does it still fit me?"
795
00:40:01,616 --> 00:40:03,792
I don't know
if you've had an opportunity
796
00:40:03,792 --> 00:40:06,882
to fat out of clothes.
797
00:40:06,882 --> 00:40:10,277
That's a special feeling.
798
00:40:10,277 --> 00:40:12,584
There are watershed moments
in your life, right?
799
00:40:12,584 --> 00:40:14,586
When you hold
your newborn child
800
00:40:14,586 --> 00:40:19,329
or you fat out of a T-shirt.
It's amazing 'cause you don't
801
00:40:19,329 --> 00:40:21,201
even go to the obvious
conclusion.
802
00:40:21,201 --> 00:40:24,204
You're like,
"Well, this shirt usedto fit.
803
00:40:24,204 --> 00:40:27,425
I haven't grown
since I was a teenager.
804
00:40:27,425 --> 00:40:31,385
Oh! I'm a fatass!
805
00:40:31,385 --> 00:40:33,387
Well, time for a burrito."
806
00:40:35,868 --> 00:40:38,305
The best is when you
pack for a trip
807
00:40:38,305 --> 00:40:40,612
and you fat out of clothes,
but you don't realize
808
00:40:40,612 --> 00:40:43,484
until you get there.
809
00:40:43,484 --> 00:40:45,225
You sit there and you go,
810
00:40:45,225 --> 00:40:47,532
"Well, I guess I can wear that
as long as I don't
811
00:40:47,532 --> 00:40:50,622
breathe out...
812
00:40:50,622 --> 00:40:53,015
or sit down."
813
00:40:53,015 --> 00:40:56,018
You ever wear a shirt
you can't sit down in?
814
00:40:56,018 --> 00:40:58,499
"Yeah, you know what?
I'm gonna stand.
815
00:40:58,499 --> 00:41:02,547
I know it's Thanksgiving.
I'm more thankful standing.
816
00:41:02,547 --> 00:41:04,244
Better angle for carving."
817
00:41:04,244 --> 00:41:06,551
I still have all the clothes
that don't fit me.
818
00:41:06,551 --> 00:41:09,336
They're in my closet
in case I have a dramatic
819
00:41:09,336 --> 00:41:11,686
weight loss over a weekend.
820
00:41:11,686 --> 00:41:13,819
It's ridiculous.
It's like I'm curating
821
00:41:13,819 --> 00:41:16,212
an exhibit of my weight gain.
822
00:41:16,212 --> 00:41:19,215
"Well, that suit
was from 30 pounds ago
823
00:41:19,215 --> 00:41:22,262
and that sweater was from
last winter
824
00:41:22,262 --> 00:41:26,875
and this shirt--
this shirt never fit."
825
00:41:26,875 --> 00:41:28,703
Have you done that?
Have you bought clothes
826
00:41:28,703 --> 00:41:30,705
that don't fit
thinking that'll be
827
00:41:30,705 --> 00:41:33,534
the incentive to lose weight?
828
00:41:33,534 --> 00:41:34,796
It's like,
"Well, I've only gained weight
829
00:41:34,796 --> 00:41:37,407
for the last 40 years,
830
00:41:37,407 --> 00:41:40,628
maybe this shirt'll
turn it around."
831
00:41:40,628 --> 00:41:44,110
"How'd you lose weight?"
"I bought a shirt.
832
00:41:44,110 --> 00:41:46,504
It worked."
833
00:41:46,504 --> 00:41:48,984
No, fashion's kind of wasted
on me.
834
00:41:48,984 --> 00:41:50,725
You know, like,
those fashion shows.
835
00:41:50,725 --> 00:41:53,902
To me, fashion shows
just look like skinny tennagers
836
00:41:53,902 --> 00:41:56,122
walking around
in their parent's clothes
837
00:41:56,122 --> 00:41:58,124
looking for food.
838
00:42:10,397 --> 00:42:13,356
"Ma,
there's no food out there.
839
00:42:13,356 --> 00:42:17,839
All right, I'll change
my outfit and look again."
840
00:42:17,839 --> 00:42:22,409
Fashion shows are rather absurd
when you consider
841
00:42:22,409 --> 00:42:25,455
they're just people
sitting around watching people
842
00:42:25,455 --> 00:42:28,023
walk around in clothes.
843
00:42:28,023 --> 00:42:32,114
Which is what people do
in clothes everyday.
844
00:42:32,114 --> 00:42:34,595
But at fashion shows,
they're so fascinated.
845
00:42:34,595 --> 00:42:36,292
They're like,
"Oh, my gosh.
846
00:42:36,292 --> 00:42:40,688
Ooh, wow, look at that person
walk in clothes.
847
00:42:42,168 --> 00:42:45,040
How do they do it?
848
00:42:45,040 --> 00:42:48,696
If only we could watch them
do laundry."
849
00:42:50,176 --> 00:42:52,004
And we all know
what a fashion show is
850
00:42:52,004 --> 00:42:53,788
'cause we've seen it
on TV.
851
00:42:53,788 --> 00:42:55,398
In December they televise
852
00:42:55,398 --> 00:42:57,096
the Victoria's Secret
Fashion Show--
853
00:42:57,096 --> 00:42:59,228
which is excellent,
by the way.
854
00:42:59,228 --> 00:43:01,796
Well, that one's different
'cause there's angels.
855
00:43:01,796 --> 00:43:04,320
So there's a spiritual aspect...
856
00:43:04,320 --> 00:43:07,367
to the thongs their peddling.
857
00:43:07,367 --> 00:43:09,674
It's interesting.
All the models are beautiful.
858
00:43:09,674 --> 00:43:11,458
You ever notice that?
You're like, "Yeah, Jim,
859
00:43:11,458 --> 00:43:13,329
that's the point."
860
00:43:13,329 --> 00:43:15,723
No, but all the models--
They pick people that would look
861
00:43:15,723 --> 00:43:17,682
good in any clothing.
862
00:43:17,682 --> 00:43:19,684
Like, if you want me
to buy a suit,
863
00:43:19,684 --> 00:43:22,600
show me Michael Moore
looking good in it.
864
00:43:24,340 --> 00:43:26,255
And I'm not picking
on Michael Moore.
865
00:43:26,255 --> 00:43:28,214
I'm friends with him.
I like Michael Moore.
866
00:43:28,214 --> 00:43:30,477
And not just 'cause he proves
you don't need to shower
867
00:43:30,477 --> 00:43:33,088
to be famous.
868
00:43:33,088 --> 00:43:35,047
You ever see Michael Moore
on television?
869
00:43:35,047 --> 00:43:39,529
He looks like he's been robbed
of everything he owns.
870
00:43:39,529 --> 00:43:42,750
"Are you the victim
of a shipwreck?
871
00:43:42,750 --> 00:43:46,014
What happened?!
Pull it together!
872
00:43:46,014 --> 00:43:48,582
You won an Academy Award!
873
00:43:48,582 --> 00:43:53,848
Stop shopping
at the lost and found!"
874
00:43:53,848 --> 00:43:56,546
But I understand
Michael Moore's mentality.
875
00:43:56,546 --> 00:43:58,418
Fashion's not gonna
change his life.
876
00:43:58,418 --> 00:44:00,289
It's not gonna change my life.
877
00:44:00,289 --> 00:44:03,249
I look the same whether I'm
wearing a T-shirt or a tux.
878
00:44:03,249 --> 00:44:06,513
I still look like someone
who eats fast food.
879
00:44:06,513 --> 00:44:09,429
Probably 'cause I do
eat fast food.
880
00:44:09,429 --> 00:44:11,953
I look the way I look.
Look, I didn't vote for Trump,
881
00:44:11,953 --> 00:44:13,738
but I walked around
New York City and everyone
882
00:44:13,738 --> 00:44:15,565
the week after the election
looked at me like,
883
00:44:15,565 --> 00:44:18,960
"You did it!
You did it!"
884
00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:21,833
And I was like,
"I didn't do it!"
885
00:44:21,833 --> 00:44:24,879
But after a couple days
I was like, "Did I do it?"
886
00:44:27,534 --> 00:44:30,537
I know people are scared
about Trump being president,
887
00:44:30,537 --> 00:44:32,931
but I can tell you,
as a straight, white male,
888
00:44:32,931 --> 00:44:35,977
-I feel like I'll be okay.
889
00:44:43,506 --> 00:44:47,728
My wife hates that joke
and I love her,
890
00:44:47,728 --> 00:44:50,644
but not enough
to get rid of that joke.
891
00:44:50,644 --> 00:44:53,952
I would do anything for my wife
I'm aware of that.
892
00:44:53,952 --> 00:44:55,997
But there are people
that are more romantic.
893
00:44:55,997 --> 00:45:01,046
Prince Edward abdicated
his right to the English throne
894
00:45:01,046 --> 00:45:02,395
for the woman he loved.
895
00:45:02,395 --> 00:45:04,005
Isn't that unbelievable?
896
00:45:04,005 --> 00:45:06,616
He was forced to choose between
the woman he loved
897
00:45:06,616 --> 00:45:09,054
or being King of England,
898
00:45:09,054 --> 00:45:12,405
and that idiot...
899
00:45:12,405 --> 00:45:15,451
chose the broad.
900
00:45:15,451 --> 00:45:17,932
Now I'm sure in that moment
it was the right decision
901
00:45:17,932 --> 00:45:19,455
and I'm happily married,
902
00:45:19,455 --> 00:45:21,762
but even in
the best relationship,
903
00:45:21,762 --> 00:45:24,112
each person has thoughts
where they go,
904
00:45:24,112 --> 00:45:27,246
"I've made an enormous mistake."
905
00:45:27,246 --> 00:45:28,900
But we never thought,
906
00:45:28,900 --> 00:45:32,164
"I could've been
King of England."
907
00:45:32,164 --> 00:45:35,994
Do you think Prince Edward
really ever got over that?
908
00:45:35,994 --> 00:45:37,778
Every time he had
to empty the trash,
909
00:45:37,778 --> 00:45:39,562
he was like,
"A King of England doesn't have
910
00:45:39,562 --> 00:45:42,435
to empty the trash!
911
00:45:42,435 --> 00:45:46,482
The King of England can chat
with his ex on Facebook!"
912
00:45:49,355 --> 00:45:52,140
Can you imagine
what kind of news event
913
00:45:52,140 --> 00:45:55,143
that abdication was
in the U.K.?
914
00:45:55,143 --> 00:45:57,102
There must've been,
"He's gone mad.
915
00:45:57,102 --> 00:45:59,539
We should get him
to hospital."
916
00:46:01,323 --> 00:46:04,849
"Jim, your British accent
is getting worse.
917
00:46:06,241 --> 00:46:08,069
Why wouldn't you take
five minutes
918
00:46:08,069 --> 00:46:10,202
and learn a good accent?
919
00:46:10,202 --> 00:46:14,772
It's just lazy.
It's just lazy."
920
00:46:16,251 --> 00:46:17,905
My wife's pretty amazing.
921
00:46:17,905 --> 00:46:19,820
She is better at things
and I'm not ashamed to say that.
922
00:46:19,820 --> 00:46:22,257
Like, her guilt trip,
legendary.
923
00:46:23,693 --> 00:46:25,913
My wife is half Catholic,
half Jewish,
924
00:46:25,913 --> 00:46:28,960
so her guilt trip is like
a superpower.
925
00:46:28,960 --> 00:46:31,266
I walk in a room,
she looks at me,
926
00:46:31,266 --> 00:46:33,616
and I feel horrible.
927
00:46:33,616 --> 00:46:35,793
And that's called love.
928
00:46:35,793 --> 00:46:37,882
We've been together so long
I will get angry
929
00:46:37,882 --> 00:46:41,276
about a guilt trip
she hasn't even given me yet.
930
00:46:41,276 --> 00:46:42,712
I'll be like, "I'm gonna watch
the football game."
931
00:46:42,712 --> 00:46:44,149
She's like, "Okay."
932
00:46:44,149 --> 00:46:46,804
And I'm like,
"'Cause I want to!"
933
00:46:53,245 --> 00:46:55,203
I'm always in trouble
with my wife
934
00:46:55,203 --> 00:46:57,727
'cause I'm selfish,
I'm lazy, insensitive,
935
00:46:57,727 --> 00:46:59,294
and a bunch of other stuff.
She rattles on.
936
00:47:00,948 --> 00:47:03,733
And I understand being
in trouble for stuff I've done,
937
00:47:03,733 --> 00:47:07,955
but sometimes I get in trouble
for stuff other men have done.
938
00:47:07,955 --> 00:47:11,306
Once I got in trouble for
something a guy did in a movie.
939
00:47:11,306 --> 00:47:13,656
I was watching a movie
with my wife
940
00:47:13,656 --> 00:47:16,355
and in the movie there was
this married guy with children
941
00:47:16,355 --> 00:47:19,271
who left his family
for a 20-year-old woman
942
00:47:19,271 --> 00:47:22,100
and I knew in that moment
I should sleep on the couch.
943
00:47:25,712 --> 00:47:27,627
And the movie ended
and my wife looked at me
944
00:47:27,627 --> 00:47:30,369
and she was like,
"Why would someone do that?"
945
00:47:30,369 --> 00:47:33,807
And I was like,
"Uh, it--it was in the script?"
946
00:47:35,243 --> 00:47:36,549
I didn't say that.
I just said,
947
00:47:36,549 --> 00:47:39,682
"Where do you want me to sleep?"
948
00:47:39,682 --> 00:47:41,597
I hope it doesn't sound
like I'm picking on her
949
00:47:41,597 --> 00:47:43,295
'cause I'm grateful to have her
in my life.
950
00:47:43,295 --> 00:47:44,949
It's nice to have a partner.
951
00:47:44,949 --> 00:47:47,125
Someone looking out for you,
you look out for them.
952
00:47:47,125 --> 00:47:50,302
Like I did two weeks of shows
out of town in December
953
00:47:50,302 --> 00:47:52,826
and when I came home,
my wife informed me that she
954
00:47:52,826 --> 00:47:56,308
made me an appointment
for the gastroenterologist.
955
00:47:56,308 --> 00:47:58,266
If you're unfamiliar,
that's the doctor
956
00:47:58,266 --> 00:48:00,834
that sticks the camera
up your butt.
957
00:48:00,834 --> 00:48:02,792
I mean,
they do other things,
958
00:48:02,792 --> 00:48:05,491
but that's what
they're famous for.
959
00:48:05,491 --> 00:48:09,190
That's probably how they
attract people to the field.
960
00:48:09,190 --> 00:48:11,149
"You like photography?"
961
00:48:13,455 --> 00:48:16,241
"Then I got a job
that you're gonna love!"
962
00:48:18,547 --> 00:48:20,810
I didn't ask my wife
to set up this appointment.
963
00:48:20,810 --> 00:48:22,769
I wasn't sick.
I didn't have any symptoms.
964
00:48:22,769 --> 00:48:25,032
She just did it 'cause
she was looking out for me.
965
00:48:25,032 --> 00:48:27,165
So she casually brought it up.
She goes, "Just so you know,
966
00:48:27,165 --> 00:48:29,558
I made you an appointment
for the gastroenterologist.
967
00:48:29,558 --> 00:48:33,258
And I said, "Just so you know,
I won't be going."
968
00:48:33,258 --> 00:48:34,476
She's like,
"Why wouldn't you go?
969
00:48:34,476 --> 00:48:35,782
It's just a consultation."
970
00:48:35,782 --> 00:48:37,653
I said,
"Well, it's the principle.
971
00:48:37,653 --> 00:48:39,742
I'm an adult.
I make my own decisions.
972
00:48:39,742 --> 00:48:41,309
Thank you."
973
00:48:41,309 --> 00:48:43,877
Anyway, so I'm at
the gastroenterologist...
974
00:48:47,054 --> 00:48:50,101
The doctor starts to describe
the procedure
975
00:48:50,101 --> 00:48:51,972
and I said, "Look,
I should probably let you know,
976
00:48:51,972 --> 00:48:55,802
I don't really enjoy
getting my picture taken.
977
00:48:55,802 --> 00:48:58,022
I would be open
to an ultrasound,
978
00:48:58,022 --> 00:48:59,937
I think a lot of men
are curious what the jelly
979
00:48:59,937 --> 00:49:03,375
on the belly feels like."
980
00:49:03,375 --> 00:49:05,943
Anyway, the doctor,
he didn't think it was funny.
981
00:49:05,943 --> 00:49:10,208
And I knew it was
precautionary, so I agreed.
982
00:49:10,208 --> 00:49:11,774
So he went over
to his computer and he goes,
983
00:49:11,774 --> 00:49:13,385
"All right,
my next available appointment
984
00:49:13,385 --> 00:49:15,996
is in three months."
I was like, "Three months?!"
985
00:49:15,996 --> 00:49:17,737
This was in December.
986
00:49:17,737 --> 00:49:19,391
I didn't know if I wanted
this procedure
987
00:49:19,391 --> 00:49:22,002
hanging over my head
during the holidays.
988
00:49:22,002 --> 00:49:23,786
"Jim, you want
another piece of pie?"
989
00:49:23,786 --> 00:49:26,441
"No, I'm getting
a camera up my butt.
990
00:49:26,441 --> 00:49:28,443
I don't want some
team of doctors to be like,
991
00:49:28,443 --> 00:49:31,533
'Wow, this guy loves pie.
992
00:49:31,533 --> 00:49:34,580
Barry, get out here.
He's got half a pie up there.'"
993
00:49:36,582 --> 00:49:40,368
I didn't know what could delay
this important procedure,
994
00:49:40,368 --> 00:49:42,022
but part of me
didn't want to find out.
995
00:49:42,022 --> 00:49:43,806
I didn't want the doctor
to be like,
996
00:49:43,806 --> 00:49:46,113
"Well, the real delay is finding
someone to clean the camera.
997
00:49:46,113 --> 00:49:47,897
That takes forever.
998
00:49:47,897 --> 00:49:49,899
Turnover in that position
is insane, you know?
999
00:49:49,899 --> 00:49:51,597
People do it once
and they're like,
1000
00:49:51,597 --> 00:49:54,861
'You know what?
I'm going back on food stamps.'"
1001
00:49:54,861 --> 00:49:57,951
Then I was thinking,
maybe it's the doctor.
1002
00:49:57,951 --> 00:50:00,258
Maybe he's like, "Dude,
I can only do this procedure
1003
00:50:00,258 --> 00:50:03,261
once a month.
Then I gotta take a week off,
1004
00:50:03,261 --> 00:50:05,089
sit on the beach,
and ask myself
1005
00:50:05,089 --> 00:50:07,917
'Why keep sticking cameras
up people's butts?'
1006
00:50:07,917 --> 00:50:11,312
I could've been a dentist."
1007
00:50:11,312 --> 00:50:14,489
"Again with
the dental reference."
1008
00:50:15,795 --> 00:50:17,797
But in February
I had the procedure
1009
00:50:17,797 --> 00:50:20,452
and I think every man in here
should get a colonoscopy
1010
00:50:20,452 --> 00:50:23,455
because I had to.
1011
00:50:23,455 --> 00:50:25,935
It's not an easy decision
'cause the best news
1012
00:50:25,935 --> 00:50:28,460
you can find out from getting
a camera stuck up your butt
1013
00:50:28,460 --> 00:50:30,549
is learning you didn't need
to have a camera
1014
00:50:30,549 --> 00:50:34,292
stuck up your butt.
That's the best news.
1015
00:50:34,292 --> 00:50:37,251
"Yeah, we didn't need
to do that.
1016
00:50:37,251 --> 00:50:41,038
We can just chalk that up,
one for fun."
1017
00:50:44,215 --> 00:50:45,738
And the day before
the procedure,
1018
00:50:45,738 --> 00:50:47,218
you can't eat anything.
1019
00:50:47,218 --> 00:50:49,611
And I'm a total pig,
so it was terrifying.
1020
00:50:49,611 --> 00:50:51,613
but after I was awake
for five hours
1021
00:50:51,613 --> 00:50:53,659
and I hadn't eaten anything,
I wasn't hungry.
1022
00:50:53,659 --> 00:50:56,009
I was suicidal.
1023
00:50:56,009 --> 00:50:57,663
I was so bored.
I was like, "What am I
1024
00:50:57,663 --> 00:51:00,274
supposed to sit here
and feel feelings?"
1025
00:51:00,274 --> 00:51:02,929
And then at noon
and at00 p.m.
1026
00:51:02,929 --> 00:51:04,452
you have to drink this serum
1027
00:51:04,452 --> 00:51:06,715
that I believe is made by
a collaboration
1028
00:51:06,715 --> 00:51:10,502
of ex-lax and Taco Bell.
1029
00:51:10,502 --> 00:51:12,939
Printed on the side of the serum
it should've just said,
1030
00:51:12,939 --> 00:51:16,160
"Drink this inthe bathroom.
1031
00:51:16,160 --> 00:51:20,338
Might wanna grab a pillow
and a book."
1032
00:51:20,338 --> 00:51:24,994
'Cause I tell ya,
I've had diarrhea before...
1033
00:51:24,994 --> 00:51:26,344
This is the point where everyone
acts like
1034
00:51:26,344 --> 00:51:28,128
they've never had diarrhea.
1035
00:51:28,128 --> 00:51:31,131
"I don't even know what
Jim's talking about. Do you?"
1036
00:51:31,131 --> 00:51:33,786
Yeah, I'm the only one
who's had diarrhea...
1037
00:51:33,786 --> 00:51:36,093
in a hotel hot tub.
Okay.
1038
00:51:37,485 --> 00:51:40,532
Like we're at the same hotel.
1039
00:51:40,532 --> 00:51:44,492
No, I've had diarrhea.
I don't wanna brag.
1040
00:51:44,492 --> 00:51:47,365
No, I've had diarrhea,
but calling what this serum did
1041
00:51:47,365 --> 00:51:52,021
to my body "diarrhea" is
an insult to the word diarrhea.
1042
00:51:52,021 --> 00:51:56,504
My body made noises
I didn't know existed.
1043
00:51:56,504 --> 00:51:59,551
At one point I thought
I stepped on a puppy.
1044
00:52:02,858 --> 00:52:06,035
I was
in the bathroom for hours.
1045
00:52:06,035 --> 00:52:08,603
For hours.
Checking email--
1046
00:52:08,603 --> 00:52:12,346
ignoring phone calls
'cause serum or not,
1047
00:52:12,346 --> 00:52:14,740
you can't answer the phone
in the bathroom
1048
00:52:14,740 --> 00:52:16,829
'cause you can't hide the fact
you're in the bathroom
1049
00:52:16,829 --> 00:52:19,048
'cause there's an echo.
1050
00:52:19,048 --> 00:52:21,834
"Are you in a well?"
"Yes! Yes, I'm down here
1051
00:52:21,834 --> 00:52:24,097
in a well.
No kids in this well!
1052
00:52:24,097 --> 00:52:27,100
Making sure no kids
fell in."
1053
00:52:27,100 --> 00:52:30,321
But I kept getting this call
from the doctor's office
1054
00:52:30,321 --> 00:52:32,627
and I thought there might be
important information
1055
00:52:32,627 --> 00:52:35,282
like someone saying,
"Do not drink the serum!"
1056
00:52:36,892 --> 00:52:38,764
So I answered it
and it was just someone
1057
00:52:38,764 --> 00:52:40,809
confirming the appointment
and I don't know how
1058
00:52:40,809 --> 00:52:43,551
someone's supposed to sound
when they confirm a colonoscopy,
1059
00:52:43,551 --> 00:52:45,205
but this person
was really casual.
1060
00:52:45,205 --> 00:52:47,860
They're like,
"Hey, how are you?
1061
00:52:47,860 --> 00:52:50,079
So, we're gonna
see you tomorrow?"
1062
00:52:50,079 --> 00:52:53,431
I'm like, "What?
Are we having brunch?
1063
00:52:53,431 --> 00:52:56,999
I thought I was getting
a camera up my butt."
1064
00:52:56,999 --> 00:52:59,915
She gave me the address.
The next morning I went there.
1065
00:52:59,915 --> 00:53:01,352
It wasn't at a hospital
or a clinic,
1066
00:53:01,352 --> 00:53:02,788
it was at some building.
1067
00:53:02,788 --> 00:53:05,660
Just picture where you imagine
the Black Market
1068
00:53:05,660 --> 00:53:08,750
would harvest human organs.
1069
00:53:08,750 --> 00:53:10,317
"What am I doing here?"
1070
00:53:10,317 --> 00:53:12,232
And I took an elevator
to the basement.
1071
00:53:12,232 --> 00:53:15,235
There was this huge space
with all these makeshift rooms
1072
00:53:15,235 --> 00:53:17,716
with shower curtains.
And I was let into one.
1073
00:53:17,716 --> 00:53:19,587
There was all this talking--
You know when you're nervous
1074
00:53:19,587 --> 00:53:21,023
and you think you hear things?
I thought I heard someone go,
1075
00:53:21,023 --> 00:53:24,853
"I can't believe he's here.
1076
00:53:24,853 --> 00:53:28,466
I want his kidney."
And I was terrified.
1077
00:53:28,466 --> 00:53:30,381
And then eventually
an anesthesiologist walked in,
1078
00:53:30,381 --> 00:53:31,947
he gave me a shot
and he goes,
1079
00:53:31,947 --> 00:53:33,601
"Just wanna go through
what's gonna happen.
1080
00:53:33,601 --> 00:53:35,081
Right now I'm giving you
some medicine
1081
00:53:35,081 --> 00:53:36,735
which will knock you out
1082
00:53:36,735 --> 00:53:39,346
and when you wake up,
you won't remember anything.
1083
00:53:39,346 --> 00:53:41,305
You okay with that?"
1084
00:53:42,871 --> 00:53:44,438
And against every instinct
in my body, I just went,
1085
00:53:44,438 --> 00:53:46,440
"Okay."
1086
00:53:47,789 --> 00:53:49,530
And the last memory I had
is just watching
1087
00:53:49,530 --> 00:53:52,359
the anesthesiologist leave
the room as I heard someone go,
1088
00:53:52,359 --> 00:53:56,015
"I want his spleen."
1089
00:53:56,015 --> 00:53:57,973
And I woke up
and I was fine.
1090
00:53:57,973 --> 00:53:59,932
I mean, I'm pregnant,
but I'm fine.
1091
00:54:03,762 --> 00:54:05,633
I'm not pregnant.
My wife?
1092
00:54:05,633 --> 00:54:07,635
I haven't talked to her
in an hour.
1093
00:54:07,635 --> 00:54:09,724
You know, and--
but we got five kids
1094
00:54:09,724 --> 00:54:11,813
and that seems like a lot.
1095
00:54:11,813 --> 00:54:15,208
And, frankly,
it's too many.
1096
00:54:15,208 --> 00:54:17,776
It's--It is a lot,
but what am I gonna do now?
1097
00:54:17,776 --> 00:54:21,562
It's not like they come
with free return shipping.
1098
00:54:21,562 --> 00:54:23,825
I love--I love having
five kids.
1099
00:54:23,825 --> 00:54:26,219
I travel with them 'cause
I don't wanna be away from 'em
1100
00:54:26,219 --> 00:54:29,657
and also I enjoy the look
on waitstaff's faces
1101
00:54:29,657 --> 00:54:31,964
when I walk in
with my family.
1102
00:54:31,964 --> 00:54:35,707
'Cause my kids are five, six,
eight, eleven, and thirteen.
1103
00:54:35,707 --> 00:54:38,231
And we walked
into a restaurant in Dallas
1104
00:54:38,231 --> 00:54:40,494
and I saw a waitress look at me
and my family
1105
00:54:40,494 --> 00:54:43,715
and quit her job.
1106
00:54:43,715 --> 00:54:45,543
I mean, she could've been
getting off her shift,
1107
00:54:45,543 --> 00:54:48,763
I just saw her look at us
and throw down her apron
1108
00:54:48,763 --> 00:54:51,592
and storm off.
1109
00:54:51,592 --> 00:54:53,594
And I felt like we won.
1110
00:54:54,813 --> 00:54:56,597
But I like being a dad,
you know?
1111
00:54:56,597 --> 00:54:59,818
It's--I try to do one-on-one
time with each of my kids,
1112
00:54:59,818 --> 00:55:02,951
but it's hard 'cause I travel
and there's a lot of 'em.
1113
00:55:02,951 --> 00:55:06,651
So sometimes that special
Daddy and Me time
1114
00:55:06,651 --> 00:55:09,436
is just doing something
mundane like going with me
1115
00:55:09,436 --> 00:55:11,264
to the Post Office.
1116
00:55:11,264 --> 00:55:13,658
It's like, "That's right,
buddy, just you and me
1117
00:55:13,658 --> 00:55:18,402
going to find out why we got
this damn slip on our door.
1118
00:55:18,402 --> 00:55:20,926
Stick that in the memory bank."
1119
00:55:20,926 --> 00:55:24,756
"My dad,
always making time for me.
1120
00:55:24,756 --> 00:55:27,976
Squeezing me into errands.
1121
00:55:27,976 --> 00:55:30,936
I remember walking
to the Post Office and listening
1122
00:55:30,936 --> 00:55:34,679
to him bitch and moan
about the Federal Government.
1123
00:55:34,679 --> 00:55:36,724
What a guy."
1124
00:55:38,378 --> 00:55:41,163
I try to be a good dad.
I got my kids a dog.
1125
00:55:41,163 --> 00:55:43,209
-I rescued a dog.
1126
00:55:43,209 --> 00:55:45,733
-Thank you. Thank you.
1127
00:55:45,733 --> 00:55:48,910
Well, it's not like
the dog was drowning.
1128
00:55:48,910 --> 00:55:51,391
The dog wasn't a victim
of sex trafficking.
1129
00:55:51,391 --> 00:55:53,132
I just went in a building,
gave a guy money,
1130
00:55:53,132 --> 00:55:56,222
and got a dog.
That's how I rescued it.
1131
00:55:56,222 --> 00:55:58,180
After that I rescued a pizza.
1132
00:56:01,314 --> 00:56:04,230
I actually--I had to wait
to rescue the dog
1133
00:56:04,230 --> 00:56:05,884
'cause the dog was in Jamaica.
1134
00:56:05,884 --> 00:56:09,061
I don't know if it was
on vacation.
1135
00:56:09,061 --> 00:56:12,412
But I rescued a dog
from paradise
1136
00:56:12,412 --> 00:56:14,675
so it could live in my crowded
1137
00:56:14,675 --> 00:56:16,764
New York City apartment.
1138
00:56:16,764 --> 00:56:19,332
Sometimes I put the leash on
the dog and it looks at me like,
1139
00:56:19,332 --> 00:56:21,334
"I used to run on the beach...
1140
00:56:23,858 --> 00:56:27,166
And now I sleep in a cage.
1141
00:56:27,166 --> 00:56:30,169
My only hope is that one day
you'll get rescued."
1142
00:56:32,911 --> 00:56:35,653
But "rescue" is the language
of today, right?
1143
00:56:35,653 --> 00:56:37,176
We mean adoption.
1144
00:56:37,176 --> 00:56:38,960
Now, people don't even say
they own dogs.
1145
00:56:38,960 --> 00:56:40,919
Now people say
they're a dog parent,
1146
00:56:40,919 --> 00:56:43,400
but I feel like dogs
are different from kids.
1147
00:56:43,400 --> 00:56:45,489
Like, you never hear a parent
say, "You know, my son had
1148
00:56:45,489 --> 00:56:47,795
some behavior problems,
so we gave him to a friend
1149
00:56:47,795 --> 00:56:50,145
who had a farm upstate.
1150
00:56:50,145 --> 00:56:52,452
You know,
that way he could run around
1151
00:56:52,452 --> 00:56:55,281
and we'll visit him
on weekends."
1152
00:56:55,281 --> 00:56:57,631
"Jim, you're a monster."
1153
00:56:57,631 --> 00:57:00,329
I'm no saint, but nobody is.
1154
00:57:00,329 --> 00:57:02,201
Nobody even goes
for saint today, right?
1155
00:57:02,201 --> 00:57:04,116
There's no saints.
Nobody's like,
1156
00:57:04,116 --> 00:57:06,335
"You know what I'm thinking
of, uh, I'm either gonna go
1157
00:57:06,335 --> 00:57:08,816
graphic design or saint."
1158
00:57:08,816 --> 00:57:11,297
Nobody goes for it
'cause, well, there are--
1159
00:57:11,297 --> 00:57:12,733
there are Latter Day Saints.
1160
00:57:12,733 --> 00:57:14,779
There's Mormons.
I love the Mormons.
1161
00:57:14,779 --> 00:57:16,520
I don't know
what Latter Day means.
1162
00:57:16,520 --> 00:57:20,001
Maybe that means they're,
like, devient till00 p.m.
1163
00:57:20,001 --> 00:57:21,873
They're like,
"Well, kids are coming home,
1164
00:57:21,873 --> 00:57:25,137
let's get out of these
S&M outfits, honey.
1165
00:57:25,137 --> 00:57:27,879
Back in khakis."
1166
00:57:27,879 --> 00:57:30,359
I'm talking about
the traditional Catholic
1167
00:57:30,359 --> 00:57:32,144
sense of a--of a saint.
1168
00:57:32,144 --> 00:57:35,016
Nobody goes for saint anymore
'cause it's too hard.
1169
00:57:35,016 --> 00:57:36,801
To be considered
a Catholic Saint
1170
00:57:36,801 --> 00:57:38,803
you have to perform
two miracles.
1171
00:57:38,803 --> 00:57:40,848
I don't know why it's two.
1172
00:57:40,848 --> 00:57:42,241
It's not like half of us
would be like,
1173
00:57:42,241 --> 00:57:44,722
"You know, if it was one
I'd go for it.
1174
00:57:44,722 --> 00:57:47,725
Yeah, 'cause I can do
that thing with my elbow."
1175
00:57:50,162 --> 00:57:53,513
It's not like one miracle's
not impressive.
1176
00:57:53,513 --> 00:57:55,907
You're never in a job interview,
"Let's see here,
1177
00:57:55,907 --> 00:57:59,650
special skills, walk on water,
Microsoft Word.
1178
00:57:59,650 --> 00:58:03,218
Tell me about
the Microsoft Word."
1179
00:58:03,218 --> 00:58:05,264
Actually,
where I live in New York City
1180
00:58:05,264 --> 00:58:07,658
is where
the soon to be first
1181
00:58:07,658 --> 00:58:09,921
African-American Saint
is buried.
1182
00:58:09,921 --> 00:58:13,707
His name was Pierre Toussaint
and he was a hairdresser.
1183
00:58:13,707 --> 00:58:16,101
I didn't even know you could be
a hairdresser and a saint,
1184
00:58:16,101 --> 00:58:18,407
but he, apparently,
got done cutting people's hair
1185
00:58:18,407 --> 00:58:20,671
and they were like,
"This is a miracle."
1186
00:58:21,976 --> 00:58:23,978
And he was a great man.
1187
00:58:23,978 --> 00:58:25,763
And he'll--he'll be a saint.
1188
00:58:25,763 --> 00:58:28,592
He'll probably be the
Patron Saint of Hairdressers.
1189
00:58:28,592 --> 00:58:30,768
You know, 'cause saints,
they're in charge of things.
1190
00:58:30,768 --> 00:58:32,291
Like, "You're in charge
of hairdressers,
1191
00:58:32,291 --> 00:58:34,032
you're in charge
of lost objects,
1192
00:58:34,032 --> 00:58:36,077
St. Patrick,
you're in charge of Ireland."
1193
00:58:36,077 --> 00:58:38,515
St. Patrick,
Patron Saint of Ireland.
1194
00:58:38,515 --> 00:58:42,954
Every March 17th we honor
St. Patrick by getting wasted.
1195
00:58:42,954 --> 00:58:45,304
-Right?
1196
00:58:45,304 --> 00:58:47,132
But we don't know.
We don't know.
1197
00:58:47,132 --> 00:58:48,873
St. Patrick could be
up in heaven going,
1198
00:58:48,873 --> 00:58:51,963
"I didn't even drink.
What are these people doing?
1199
00:58:51,963 --> 00:58:56,794
I like the color blue.
I made that very clear.
1200
00:58:56,794 --> 00:59:00,580
Can someone remind God
I'm from Italy?
1201
00:59:00,580 --> 00:59:02,060
I don't wanna
rock the boat here,
1202
00:59:02,060 --> 00:59:05,933
but these Irish
are degenerates."
1203
00:59:05,933 --> 00:59:08,022
'Cause they don't
get to choose
1204
00:59:08,022 --> 00:59:10,372
what they're
the Patron Saint of, right?
1205
00:59:10,372 --> 00:59:13,593
Like St. Bonaventure?
Patron Saint of bowel issues.
1206
00:59:13,593 --> 00:59:15,639
I'm not making that up.
1207
00:59:15,639 --> 00:59:17,292
Bowel issues.
1208
00:59:17,292 --> 00:59:20,513
Talk about a promotion
you don't want.
1209
00:59:20,513 --> 00:59:22,907
Bonaventure's in heaven,
St. Peter comes and goes,
1210
00:59:22,907 --> 00:59:25,562
"Bonaventure, you're a saint."
Bonaventure's like, "Yes!
1211
00:59:25,562 --> 00:59:28,347
Yes! Am I
the Patron Saint of Scholars?"
1212
00:59:28,347 --> 00:59:30,392
"Not scholars."
1213
00:59:30,392 --> 00:59:32,003
"Wha--What am I
the Patron Saint of?"
1214
00:59:32,003 --> 00:59:35,528
"Bowel issues."
"Bowel issues?"
1215
00:59:35,528 --> 00:59:38,662
"Yeah, you know when someone's
getting a colonoscopy
1216
00:59:38,662 --> 00:59:40,968
or say they're sitting
on the toilet with I.B.S.
1217
00:59:40,968 --> 00:59:44,189
or explosive diarrhea
praying to God.
1218
00:59:44,189 --> 00:59:47,279
Well, we don't want them
praying directlyto God.
1219
00:59:47,279 --> 00:59:50,804
So...you would be
like a conduit.
1220
00:59:50,804 --> 00:59:55,113
That way God's not talking to
someone who's doing number two."
1221
00:59:58,246 --> 01:00:01,336
"Uh, okay."
1222
01:00:01,336 --> 01:00:02,990
'Course I'm talking about
Catholic Saints
1223
01:00:02,990 --> 01:00:05,079
'cause I'm Catholic.
I'm not a good Catholic.
1224
01:00:05,079 --> 01:00:06,603
Like, if there was a test
for Catholics,
1225
01:00:06,603 --> 01:00:07,995
I would fail.
1226
01:00:07,995 --> 01:00:09,780
But, then again,
most Catholics would fail.
1227
01:00:09,780 --> 01:00:12,609
Which is probably why
there's not a test.
1228
01:00:14,175 --> 01:00:16,656
But since I'm Catholic
and I'm a comedian,
1229
01:00:16,656 --> 01:00:20,442
I was asked to open for the Pope
when he visited America.
1230
01:00:20,442 --> 01:00:24,098
And before you're impressed,
it didn't go well.
1231
01:00:24,098 --> 01:00:26,927
Like, I opened for the Pope, but
the Pope wasn't sitting there
1232
01:00:26,927 --> 01:00:29,060
like, "Ha ha ha ha."
1233
01:00:29,060 --> 01:00:30,670
I don't know
how the Pope laughs.
1234
01:00:30,670 --> 01:00:33,978
Hopefully not like
Jabba the Hutt.
1235
01:00:33,978 --> 01:00:37,416
But I did 15 minutes of stand-up
and then the popemobile
1236
01:00:37,416 --> 01:00:40,637
drove into this
outdoor amphitheatre space.
1237
01:00:40,637 --> 01:00:43,161
I opened for an automobile.
1238
01:00:43,161 --> 01:00:46,643
And that's not even the first
time I've opened for a car.
1239
01:00:46,643 --> 01:00:49,558
I had to cut my honeymoon short
so that I could perform
1240
01:00:49,558 --> 01:00:51,822
at the Iowa State Fair
where I opened
1241
01:00:51,822 --> 01:00:54,302
for Kyle Busch's NASCAR.
1242
01:00:54,302 --> 01:00:57,784
Kyle Busch wasn't there,
just his car.
1243
01:00:57,784 --> 01:01:01,005
I did 15 minutes of stand-up
and then some stagehands
1244
01:01:01,005 --> 01:01:03,834
pushed his number 18
on the stage
1245
01:01:03,834 --> 01:01:06,663
and audience members came up
and got pictures with the car.
1246
01:01:06,663 --> 01:01:09,535
The car did better.
1247
01:01:09,535 --> 01:01:12,712
But I did open for
the popemobile in Philadelphia.
1248
01:01:12,712 --> 01:01:15,019
Philadelphia,
The City of Brotherly Love
1249
01:01:15,019 --> 01:01:16,716
and if you've been there,
you know they mean that
1250
01:01:16,716 --> 01:01:18,936
sarcastically.
1251
01:01:18,936 --> 01:01:21,329
I love Philly,
but saying Philadelphia's
1252
01:01:21,329 --> 01:01:23,636
The City of Brotherly Love
is a little bit like saying
1253
01:01:23,636 --> 01:01:26,247
"Syria, a place for peace."
1254
01:01:27,901 --> 01:01:29,598
But I love Philly.
1255
01:01:29,598 --> 01:01:31,252
You know,
I love the whole Northeast.
1256
01:01:31,252 --> 01:01:33,428
I'm from the Midwest,
but I choose to live
1257
01:01:33,428 --> 01:01:35,039
in the Northeast
because I love the energy
1258
01:01:35,039 --> 01:01:37,519
and I love the fact that
everyone in the Northeast
1259
01:01:37,519 --> 01:01:41,915
is angry for absolutely
no reason at all.
1260
01:01:41,915 --> 01:01:44,831
-Furious!
1261
01:01:44,831 --> 01:01:48,008
From Philadelphia to Boston,
1262
01:01:48,008 --> 01:01:50,881
pissed off.
Right?
1263
01:01:50,881 --> 01:01:53,318
That whole Acela Line.
1264
01:01:53,318 --> 01:01:56,321
I call it the Corridor of Hate.
1265
01:01:56,321 --> 01:01:58,976
But that is why
we are the United States.
1266
01:01:58,976 --> 01:02:01,326
Think of those initial
13 colonies.
1267
01:02:01,326 --> 01:02:03,371
Like, in Virginia,
those guys--
1268
01:02:03,371 --> 01:02:05,417
Like Jefferson and Madison,
those guys were like
1269
01:02:05,417 --> 01:02:07,419
the philosophers.
Like, "We're born with these
1270
01:02:07,419 --> 01:02:09,900
inalienable rights.
We should have representation."
1271
01:02:09,900 --> 01:02:11,728
But it was the people
in the Northeast and Boston
1272
01:02:11,728 --> 01:02:13,294
they were like,
"Screw it.
1273
01:02:13,294 --> 01:02:17,037
Dump all the tea in the harbor.
Those English are dicks.
1274
01:02:17,037 --> 01:02:21,607
They don't say 'the'
before hospital." You know?
1275
01:02:21,607 --> 01:02:25,002
Don't you wish you were there
when the Bostonians explained
1276
01:02:25,002 --> 01:02:26,830
to the Virginians,
"Yeah, we listened to all that
1277
01:02:26,830 --> 01:02:31,008
stuff you said, so we started
a war with England.
1278
01:02:31,008 --> 01:02:33,924
The greatest superpower
on the planet."
1279
01:02:33,924 --> 01:02:36,709
The Virginians were like,
"Wha?!
1280
01:02:36,709 --> 01:02:39,756
We were talking hypothetically."
1281
01:02:39,756 --> 01:02:42,541
Even Patrick Henry was like,
"When I said 'Give me liberty
1282
01:02:42,541 --> 01:02:45,544
or give me death,'
I didn't mean actual death.
1283
01:02:45,544 --> 01:02:48,852
I was talking like
death by chocolate death."
1284
01:02:50,592 --> 01:02:52,986
But so I was in Philadelphia
for the event,
1285
01:02:52,986 --> 01:02:55,075
at the soundcheck
and they had constructed
1286
01:02:55,075 --> 01:02:58,296
this huge amphitheater
next to the Ben Franklin Parkway
1287
01:02:58,296 --> 01:03:00,864
which is a highway
and the amphitheater was empty.
1288
01:03:00,864 --> 01:03:02,691
And I was up there
doing the soundcheck
1289
01:03:02,691 --> 01:03:05,651
and I looked on the highway
and it was already filled
1290
01:03:05,651 --> 01:03:07,261
with a million people.
1291
01:03:07,261 --> 01:03:09,133
And I looked at those people
and I thought, "Wow,
1292
01:03:09,133 --> 01:03:13,659
a million people that don't want
to see me do stand-up comedy."
1293
01:03:13,659 --> 01:03:15,617
'Cause they were all there
to see the Pope
1294
01:03:15,617 --> 01:03:17,924
and not one of those
million people was thinking,
1295
01:03:17,924 --> 01:03:22,711
"I hope the Pope has a comedian
open for him."
1296
01:03:22,711 --> 01:03:24,583
But I shouldn't have
been surprised.
1297
01:03:24,583 --> 01:03:26,280
In the weeks leading up
to the event,
1298
01:03:26,280 --> 01:03:27,499
there were all these interviews.
They're like,
1299
01:03:27,499 --> 01:03:28,892
"You're opening for the Pope.
1300
01:03:28,892 --> 01:03:30,589
There's gonna be millions
of people there.
1301
01:03:30,589 --> 01:03:32,069
Are you nervous?
Are you gonna prepare?"
1302
01:03:32,069 --> 01:03:33,984
And I'm like,
"I'm definitely nervous.
1303
01:03:33,984 --> 01:03:37,726
I'm definitely gonna prepare."
Anyway, I didn't prepare.
1304
01:03:37,726 --> 01:03:39,772
So I was onstage
at the soundcheck,
1305
01:03:39,772 --> 01:03:41,469
looking at those million people
and I thought,
1306
01:03:41,469 --> 01:03:43,907
"I gotta come up
with some Philadelphia jokes."
1307
01:03:43,907 --> 01:03:45,778
But what do I know
about Philadelphia?
1308
01:03:45,778 --> 01:03:49,042
I know cheesesteaks,
Liberty Bell,
1309
01:03:49,042 --> 01:03:53,133
and I had just watched
this ESPN 30 For 30documentary
1310
01:03:53,133 --> 01:03:56,920
about Eagles fans in 1968
throwing snowballs
1311
01:03:56,920 --> 01:04:00,749
at someone dressed like
Santa Claus.
1312
01:04:00,749 --> 01:04:04,449
That's all I knew.
So I went off and I tried
1313
01:04:04,449 --> 01:04:06,581
to think of some
Philadelphia jokes.
1314
01:04:06,581 --> 01:04:08,279
Before you knew it,
the event started
1315
01:04:08,279 --> 01:04:10,194
and I was introduced
and I walked out
1316
01:04:10,194 --> 01:04:11,760
and the amphitheatre
was still empty.
1317
01:04:11,760 --> 01:04:13,545
'Cause, you know,
the Pope wasn't there
1318
01:04:13,545 --> 01:04:17,114
and it was a Catholic event,
so everyone was at the bar.
1319
01:04:17,114 --> 01:04:20,291
So I was like, "All right,
I guess I'm just gonna do
1320
01:04:20,291 --> 01:04:22,119
my show for no one."
So I go, "It's good to be here
1321
01:04:22,119 --> 01:04:24,034
in Philadelphia."
and I heard this roar behind me.
1322
01:04:25,426 --> 01:04:26,993
And it was all the people
on the highway.
1323
01:04:26,993 --> 01:04:28,516
And I was like, "All right,
I'll play to them."
1324
01:04:28,516 --> 01:04:29,996
I was like,
"Philadelphia loves the Pope."
1325
01:04:31,258 --> 01:04:32,781
And I was like,
"Not that I was worried,
1326
01:04:32,781 --> 01:04:35,262
but you guys
weren't that nice to Santa."
1327
01:04:35,262 --> 01:04:38,135
-Nothing.
1328
01:04:38,135 --> 01:04:40,137
Silence.
1329
01:04:40,137 --> 01:04:43,357
And then I heard something
that sounded like booing
1330
01:04:43,357 --> 01:04:46,012
'cause it was booing.
1331
01:04:46,012 --> 01:04:48,362
It wasn't everyone.
It was like 10%.
1332
01:04:48,362 --> 01:04:51,539
So, 100,000 people...
1333
01:04:51,539 --> 01:04:53,977
booing my Santa joke
1334
01:04:53,977 --> 01:04:56,109
before they saw
their religious leader
1335
01:04:56,109 --> 01:04:59,896
who was gonna talk to them
about mercy.
1336
01:04:59,896 --> 01:05:02,507
So I did what anyone would do
when they're being booed,
1337
01:05:02,507 --> 01:05:04,161
I acted like
I wasn't being booed.
1338
01:05:04,161 --> 01:05:07,338
I did some jokes about
being lazy and food
1339
01:05:07,338 --> 01:05:09,470
and I kinda got the crowd back.
1340
01:05:09,470 --> 01:05:11,777
And I got off stage,
disaster averted.
1341
01:05:11,777 --> 01:05:13,997
And I pulled out my phone
and I started checking Twitter
1342
01:05:13,997 --> 01:05:17,478
and I saw the most angry,
hateful tweets I've ever seen.
1343
01:05:17,478 --> 01:05:20,873
"How dare you bring up
the Santa incident!
1344
01:05:20,873 --> 01:05:23,441
Never come back to Philly.
1345
01:05:23,441 --> 01:05:25,225
I wish I could punch you.
1346
01:05:25,225 --> 01:05:27,488
Bringing up the Santa incident
in Philly is like
1347
01:05:27,488 --> 01:05:30,143
bringing up the Holocaust
in Germany."
1348
01:05:30,143 --> 01:05:33,755
That was an actual tweet.
1349
01:05:33,755 --> 01:05:36,628
Of course, the difference being
that the Holocaust happened
1350
01:05:36,628 --> 01:05:39,761
and Santa has never existed.
1351
01:05:41,459 --> 01:05:43,417
At that moment there was
a tap on my shoulder
1352
01:05:43,417 --> 01:05:45,289
and it was one of the organizers
and they're like,
1353
01:05:45,289 --> 01:05:48,074
"Do you wanna meet the Pope?"
And I was like, "I'm good."
1354
01:05:48,074 --> 01:05:51,077
I was like, "Yeah, of course
I'd love to meet the Pope."
1355
01:05:51,077 --> 01:05:53,514
So I was put in this room with
some of the other performers
1356
01:05:53,514 --> 01:05:55,690
and we were lined up
and the Pope came in.
1357
01:05:55,690 --> 01:05:57,736
And they started greeting people
and I noticed
1358
01:05:57,736 --> 01:05:59,346
people that the Pope
was meeting,
1359
01:05:59,346 --> 01:06:00,913
they were saying something
to the Pope.
1360
01:06:00,913 --> 01:06:02,175
and I didn't know
what I was gonna say
1361
01:06:02,175 --> 01:06:03,829
to the Pope
and before you knew it,
1362
01:06:03,829 --> 01:06:05,352
the Pope was right in front
of me and I just said,
1363
01:06:05,352 --> 01:06:07,876
"Don't bring up
the Santa incident."
1364
01:06:16,624 --> 01:06:19,366
And the Pope,
he didn't say anything.
1365
01:06:19,366 --> 01:06:23,370
He just gave me a look of like,
"Dude, I would never do that.
1366
01:06:23,370 --> 01:06:27,157
This is Philadelphia.
They'd crucify me."
1367
01:06:27,157 --> 01:06:29,898
All right, that is all for me.
Thank you for coming out.
1368
01:06:32,989 --> 01:06:34,947
I will see you soon.
1369
01:07:18,730 --> 01:07:20,732
That's Mom and Dad.
101726
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