All language subtitles for Cheers.S09E22.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Okay, Rebecca, here's the deal.

I'll paint the whole office,
including woodwork,

and it'll run you...

400.

- 400 bucks sounds reasonable.
- No, no, that's 400 beers.

The 'b" with the slanty line through it?
It's kind of my own special currency.

It's a deal. Oh, and Norm, remember,

this time Sam wants
something really simple.

Oh, yeah. I've got some choices here.

I've got sand white, ivory white,
off-white, Navajo white...

- They all look just alike.
- Well, they're different.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, of course I'm sure.

You think I'm trying
to push one color on you?

- I resent that, Rebecca.
- I'm sorry.

- No, that one's fine, right there.
- Cream white. Excellent choice.

And as luck would have it,

I happen to have
42 gallons of it in my garage.

- Good morning, Sam.
- Yeah? What's good about it?

Well, you have your health,
a good business,

and friends who put up
with your violent mood swings.

I'm sorry. I just got some bad news.

You guys all remember
the Miss Boston Barmaid contest?

Oh, yeah.

That's the annual contest
where they try to find

the most talented
and efficient waitress in Boston,

which, surprise, surprise,

always turns out to be the babe
with the biggest honeydews.

Right. Well, this year,
they're holding it at Cheers.

- All right!
- No, no, no.

No, it's not what you think.
They changed all the categories.

Listen to this, "Speed, efficiency,

memorization,
personal warmth, courtesy."

I mean, it's like bra size
doesn't even exist anymore!

Well, Sam, they're just
trying to keep pace

with the current
social enlightenment.

How would you like to be judged

solely on the basis of your looks
and body alone?

I'd love it! I'd win!

The whole contest has gone to hell.

I mean, believe me,
I really presented my case

to the contest committee.

I made a graph here. Look at this.

These are the bust measurements
of all the winners since 1976,

and almost to a woman,
they're over a 38.

What's this one
that dips way down here?

That's the year Diane won.

It's no good.
It's just no good at all.

I think I'm going
to write my councilman.

What am I talking about?
My councilman's a babe, too!

God, the whole world's
crowding in on me!

Carla, you gonna try out
for this contest?

I don't think so.

You heard Sam.
It's not about looks this year.

- Thank you, Woody.
- You should do it, Carla.

Look, I know I'm a good waitress.

I don't need some obnoxious dork
in a cheap suit telling me I'm the best.

- You are the best.
- I just said I didn't need that.

Besides, even if I did win,
what would I get?

A lousy ten bucks and a handshake?

It says here you get
a brand-new Mazda Miata.

Get out of town!

Just for doing my job?

- I'm going to get myself this Miata!
- All right!

A snag.

What about "warmth, personal courtesy"?

What about me shoving
this brochure up your nose?

You're a shoo-in.

I couldn't help but notice
for the last couple of days,

you've just been
sitting here doing nothing.

Hi. I'm Norm Peterson.
Obviously, we haven't met.

- This really bothers me.
- What?

You have a job to do, and instead,
you're just sitting here

talking to Cliff all day long.
You're not even trying.

Rebecca, do you get Cheers?
I mean, do you understand the concept?

I want to see some work
by the end of today.

If you can't get the job done,
I will hire a professional.

Oddly enough, that's what Vera said
on our honeymoon.

So, how are you going
to get out of this one?

Relax, Cliff ie, I got it covered.
I have a new industrial paint sprayer.

It gets the job done
in a couple hours.

Very clever.

It was invented by the Japanese

so they could paint
more efficiently and quickly.

Whereas you'll use it
to drink more beers, watch more TV,

and put off everything
until the very last minute.

Right. You see, they're
way ahead of us in technology,

but they don't have our creativity.

Hey, Doc, how do you think
I look for the contest?

Well, my goodness, Carla,

- that is a jaunty bow!
- Yeah.

Where did you get it?

Well, the first job I ever had was
at this greasy spoon when I was 15.

There was this old waitress
there named Cora.

She taught me everything I know
about waiting tables.

Anyway, on her last day,

the day they were carting her off
to the nursing home,

she gave me this bow.

She told me to wear it with pride,

because being a waitress
is a wonderful thing.

Carla, that's quite a story.

Now, if the judges are
as sappy as you,

I get me a new car!

Carla, honey, I just want you to know

that I've got some moral problems
with this contest.

It's not going to get in the way
of me hoping you win.

Yeah, well, Thanks, Sam.

Now would you get me
my button over there?

"My name's Carla,
and I love your smile."

Boy, you're really prepared
to go all the way for this.

Yeah, I got a button
that says that, too.

Think I should wear it?

No. I'd stick with the smile thing.

Could I have some service?

Coming!

Hi. I'll be your waitress today.

How may I serve you?

I want a martini. Dry. D-R-Y.

That means light on the vermouth.

- And I want a twist, not an olive.
- Very well, sir.

Read that back to me.
I don't want any mistakes.

"One martini, very dry."

- You forgot the twist.
- A twist it is.

I'll twist his big ears off.

Take it easy, take it easy.

"A very dry martini with a twist."

What did you do that for?

It's nothing personal.
I was just letting off steam.

Why don't you push
Norm off his stool?

You don't know much
about physics, do you?

Don't forget the twist!

Let me see my brochure.
I got to get a look at my car.

Oh, it's worth it, it's worth it.

This must have fallen
out of your folder.

It says, "list of judges."

Are you kidding?

That's supposed to be top-secret.
Oh, my God.

This is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

I'm going to know who they are.

All I have to do is kiss up
to the squids on that list

and I'll be driving home
in a nice, new convertible.

Great!

Who are they, Woody?

"David Murphy, Cliff Clavin,
and Frank Smith."

Who is Frank Smith,
and why is Carla so mad at him?

And now, on top of everything else,

I got this huge headache
out of nowhere.

They picked Clavin to be a judge.

What could they have been thinking of?

They probably want someone with,
you know, a lot of bar experience.

He has been hanging around here a lot.

Yeah, well, so has Norm.
Why didn't they pick you?

Well, maybe they did.

I haven't opened my mail in a while.

Once my unemployment ran out,
all the incentive was gone.

No doubt about it,

these things were
a lot easier on all of us

when they were just bimbo contests.

You know, if this is the new age
of enlightenment,

why does it hurt so many people?

Norm, I got to ask you a question.

Over the years,
I've been pretty bad to Clavin,

and I've done some things
that maybe I shouldn't have...

Called him names,

punctured his tires,

set fire to his hair.

What's the question, now?

Do you think he noticed?

You made this guy eat a bug once.

That's a birthday the guy's
never going to forget.

Okay. I'll send him flowers.

Carla, that bug laid eggs
in his stomach.

Yeah. That was kind of a bonus.

I might as well just chuck
this phony bow.

Come on.

You're right. It's hopeless.
I'm never going to win anything.

- Come on.
- No, really. I thought it was my turn.

I thought that for once in my life
I was going to be recognized

for being the best at what I do.

Now, because of Clavin,
I don't even get the chance.

All right, well,
why don't you try this?

Actually be nice to Cliff.

Listen to his stories,
treat him like a friend.

I'm sorry. It's the beer talking.

Now, that, Paul, in a nutshell,
is the history of Western civilization.

You were right to come to me.

I didn't come to you, Cliff.
I was waiting to use the phone.

Go on, Cliff. I'm listening.
I'm interested in Western civilization.

- Are you all right, Carla?
- Beat it, lard butt.

Thank God.
I thought I was hallucinating.

- Interested, huh?
- Oh, yeah.

That's funny.
You never listened to me before.

I listen to you all the time, Cliff.

As a matter of fact,
I often go home and tell the kids

about this very,
very smart man at work.

Why are you so mean
to me all the time?

Mean?

Well, like when you knocked me
off that stool.

Knocked... Oh, no.

Oh, no. That was just
an affectionate nudge, you...

you old silly billy.

It did sort of hurt my back a little bit.

You know, I wondered if you might...

No, never mind.
I could never ask you.

Oh, no. Cliff, would you like me

to get you something
for your back?

A heating pad or some Doan's pills?

Well, a little back rub
might help a little.

Wouldn't you rather have
a heating pad or some Doan's pills?

Right there between the scapulae.

Why, sure.

That feels good.

Carla, what the heck?

Let me just take off my shirt,
and you can come

in the office with me
to really knead the flesh.

Okay.

But if I'm not out
of there in 15 minutes,

nail that door shut,
call my kids, and tell them

I died in a hideous explosion.

I wouldn't want them
to know the truth.

How's that painting job
coming along, Norm?

I swear to God I'd be in there
painting this very moment

but Carla's using the room.
She's giving Cliff a massage.

Oh, please.

Give me a break.

Oh, dear.

- See?
- Yes, I see.

Now if you could get
the rest of that office

half as white as Cliff's
upper body, I'd be happy.

Woody?

A beer for Cliff, please.

And, I have to get...

...four, five, six pretzels

with the salt brushed off
just one side.

I touched his skin.

Oh, horror, horror.

You might pretend it's
something less repulsive.

Less...

Less repulsive
than Cliff's naked back?

You mean like a dead animal
lying on the side of the road

squirming with maggots?

Precisely. Visualize.

Visualize. Yeah.

I think that could work. Thanks, Doc.

It's only maggots.

It's only maggots.

Carla sure is smart,

buttering up to Mr. Clavin
so she'll win.

I wish I'd have had those smarts

when I was doing
the county fair circuit

with my hog Maribelle.

Rule number one,
you got to schmooze.

You got to go to the right parties.
You got to sell out. I wouldn't.

So I brought Maribelle home a loser.

Broke my heart.

How was Maribelle?

Not bad with applesauce.

Carla, you really got
strong peasant hands.

Thank you, Cliff.

That's really quite
a refreshing change,

you being nice to me
all of a sudden.

It's not all of a sudden.

It's like when you're in third grade,

when you tease the boy
you secretly like the most.

You mean, the whole third grade
secretly liked me?

Forget it.

Wait a minute. Carla...

Are you trying to say you like me?

Well...

Oh, come on. Don't be shy.
Say it so the guys can hear it.

I like you. I said it.

I feel like I'm going to explode.
What should I do?

Find some way
to release the tension.

Good thinking.

Oh. Oh, thank you.

I feel a lot better. Thank you.

Carla, you did such a good job
with the back rub,

now my feet are jealous.

Allow me.

I rubbed his feet.
I rubbed his feet.

Hey, Carla, come on, cut it out.

You've been washing your hands
in kerosene for half an hour.

- They're clean.
- No. Not yet, Sam.

Get me a match.

Carla, it couldn't
have been that bad.

Like hell.

I didn't look,

but I'm sure I felt
six toes on his left foot.

If the judges will
please come forward

and the contestants
will take their places,

we're ready to begin the 53rd annual
Miss Boston Barmaid contest.

I'll be right there.

I'm just going to get
the other judge.

What other judge?

Cliff Clavin.

Sorry. I don't know Cliff Clavin.

Well, well...

What... what about this?

I'm sorry, Miss.
That's not official.

Someone must be having
fun with you.

Hey, Carla, you still got
that little brush?

You left a couple of crumbs
on my mustache.

You know, Cliff,

I think you ought
to keep those crumbs.

They're gonna need them
to identify your body.

You set me up.

You put your name on that list
just so that I would be nice to you.

Contestant number 1?

Yes?

If you'll take your place
with the other contestants,

we can begin.

I have to go be
in the contest now, Cliff.

Why don't you make
your peace with God?

Are you nuts?

Did you think you were going
to actually get away with that?

You know you're dead now, don't you?

I know, Norm.

Some men have a mission.

The guys who climb Mt. Everest,
the guys who walk on the Moon.

Either of those would be
a pretty good hiding place.

But I topped them all, yes, sirree.
I had Carla rub my bare feet.

I'm going to have that
etched on my tombstone.

I'd start working on it
just about now.

Contestant number one, you're first.

Our first category will be speed,

followed by memorization,
personal warmth,

courtesy, and drink knowledge.

What about the bikini round?

We're well aware
of your views, Mr. Malone.

And now let the contest begin.

Thank you. Very nicely done.

That concludes our competition.

As the judges tally their votes,
let's have a big round of applause

for all of our contestants.

Sammy, I think I really
got a shot at this.

I hate to admit it, but it might be
because of you, Clavin.

What do you mean?

I took all that energy
I was going to use to kill you

and I put it into doing
the best job I could.

Then my secret strategy worked, huh?

I hope you enjoy the car, Carla.

Just remember
who made it all possible.

If the contestants
will please be seated.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a winner.

It's me, it's me. I feel it.

The proud owner
of a brand-new 1991 convertible,

and our new
Miss Boston Barmaid is...

...Miss Shawnee Wilson.

But she spilled all the drinks.

Who cares? Look at her.

I won, I won, I won, I won, I won.

- No. You won, you won.
- I won, I won.

And let's not forget
our Miss Congeniality award.

It goes to contestant number one,

Cheers' own Carla.

That's quite a big trophy, Miss.
I hope you have room for it.

I'll make room.

- Mr. Mailman.
- Oh, look out!

No, no, no!

I'm so happy you won that contest.

You know, it just shows
that the world hasn't gone crazy,

that, you know, deep inside,
people are basically good,

that they can see
through the rules and regulations

and pick out the inner diamond.

- I won a shiny red car.
- I know you did, honey!

Woody, where's Norm?

- Is he in the bathroom?
- No.

Is he putting money in the meter?

No.

Don't tell me he is actually...

Relax. It... it dries much lighter.