All language subtitles for Cheers.S08E20.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

For tonight?

Yeah. Well, sure.
I guess I can come up with something.

Well, what's the problem there, Wood?

Well, my theater group's auditioning
for our spring production.

They want us each
to get up and perform.

Got any suggestions?

Why don't you do
a dramatic monologue?

I hear Shakespeare's
quite good.

Or perhaps a classic like
Rostand's Cyrano de Bergerac.

Well, how about Richard II?

"This royal throne of kings,

this scepter'd isle,

this earth of majesty,

this seat of Mars,

this other Eden...

Demi-paradise..."

And so forth, you know.

All right!

Yes, I assayed the role at university.

Well, I played Cyrano in college.

Yeah.

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,

with fruit, with weeds even,

but gather them

in the one garden
you may call your own."

"This precious stone
set in the silver sea,

which serves it
in the office of a wall

or as a moat
defensive to a house,

against the envy
of less happier lands,

this blessed plot,
this earth, this realm...

This England."

"I am too proud

to be a parasite.

And in my nature wants
the germ that grows

towering to heaven
like the mountain pine,

or like the oak,
sheltering multitudes.

I stand,
not high it may be,

but alone."

Hey, thank you
Mr. Colcord, Dr. Crane.

But I think I'm just going to
go with what I had planned.

- What's that, Wood?
- This.

Hey, guys,
I'm in the chorus

of our theater's spring musical.

- Hey, very good.
- Well done.

Was it the butt walk
that did it?

Well, it must be.

All the other butt walkers got in, too.

A guy who could pull
his lower lip up over his nose

got one of the leads.

What's the musical
you're doing?

We're dusting off
one of the old classics.

Matter of fact, I got to start
boning up on the period.

Really? I love
the classic musicals.

Which one you doing?
Oklahoma? South Pacific?

No. Something called, Hair.

Hey, Dr. Crane, what was it like

to be alive during the 1960s?

Well, I don't remember
much, Woody.

I was too busy
taming the West.

Woody.

- Are you really doing Hair?
- Yeah.

How do you feel about
doing that nude scene?

What are you talking about,
Miss Howe?

The nude scene.

I was in a production of Hair
when I was in college.

There is this
very famous scene

where everybody
takes off their clothes.

Come on, Miss Howe, it's not like
I just fell off the turnip truck.

That happened years ago.

Now back then, I might have believed
this nude scene business.

Actually, I guess I would
have believed anything

after being dragged 300 yards

down a gravel road
into a rosebush.

Jeez, Woody, do you have any
fond memories of childhood

that you can cling to?

The roses smelled nice.

Woody, I'm not kidding.
There is a nude scene.

There it is,
it's right at the end of act one.

It's a very famous number.

Everybody takes off
all their clothes.

Come on, Miss Howe,
if everybody gets naked in this thing,

how come they put me
in charge of the costumes?

Ah, got me there, Woody.

Hi, guys.

Hey, sweetheart.

Hey, how'd the reading
of Eddie's will go?

Well, fine.

It took this long
to read Eddie's will?

Yeah. Well, Eddie named

one of his hockey buddies
executor of the will.

- So the whole thing took a while.
- Why?

He forgot where he put it.

Pretty tough on you, huh?

Well, I'm comforted
to know that he left

his other widow Gloria
a hundred bucks.

And I got the rest
of his estate.

Well, that's great.
What did you get?

I got the bill
from his funeral,

I got the bill
from his headstone,

and all in all, I ended up
with a big fat nothing.

It sounds like the other widow
made out better than you did.

Well, yes and no.

She got the hundred bucks.
but when she wasn't looking,

I copped her coat.
What do you think? Huh? Huh?

Hey. Give me back my coat,

or I'm leaving
with your pants.

All right, Carla,
give her the coat.

Why are you shaking like that?

You walk all the way over here
in the cold?

I had to. My car keys
were in my coat pocket.

Not anymore, I dropped them
in the nearest mailbox.

You'll get them
in six to eight weeks.

Listen, if you're still ticked off

about the hundred bucks,
you can choke on it.

It's mine.
Eddie gave it to me.

Look, I slept with the guy.

I made love to him.
I earned at least 50.

Yeah, well, I don't see you
giving me any of the stuff he gave you.

I am perfectly
willing to give you

half of everything
Eddie left me.

That'd be half of his debts

and half of his funeral
and headstone bills,

which should work out
to somewhere in the neighborhood

of 620 bucks.

Here's the 50. Keep the coat.

Thank you. It's nice
doing business with you.

Well, I know you'd give me
half of whatever Eddie left you.

I would. Absolutely.
My word of honor.

Hey, come on, let's go fish
those keys out of the mailbox.

You know, how do you
break into those things?

Oh. Piece of cake.

- First I got to hold you by the ankles, see?
- Right.

Hey, Miss Howe, I'm on page 30.
No one's gotten nude yet.

Woody, there is a nude scene in Hair.
No one could miss it.

- Oh, no!
- Not even Woody.

Sorry, Miss Howe.
I just broke a glass.

I'll clean it up
in a second, all right?

Ha ha. Nude scene.

Oh, hey, Woody,
you dropped your script.

Hope I didn't lose your place.

I think you were right
around this nude scene.

Oh, thanks.

Got any Michelob
down there, Woody?

Checking, Sam.

Wood,
how much longer

are you going to keep this up?

Till I get used to it.

Dr. Crane says if I can get undressed
a little bit at a time

in a place where I feel
safe and secure,

then pretty soon,
I can get naked anywhere.

You're making progress,
huh, Wood?

You bet. I mean,
I'm still scared, cold,

and self-conscious as all get-out,

but I did pick up
an extra 50 in tips.

Hey.

Man.

It's interesting is,
as human beings,

the most evolved species
of the animal kingdom,

we should assign such
Victorian notions

as guilt and shame

to something as beautiful
as the human body.

You know, even Lilith, for example,
still gets undressed in the dark.

Oh, come on.

A woman with
all Lilith's psychiatric training

Still has hang-ups
about nudity?

Actually, it was my suggestion.

Hi, guys.

How do you like my hair?

Oh, it's just stunning.
What, did you get a new rake?

For your information,
Gloria did my hair,

and I did hers.

Yeah? Where's Gloria now?

She's at the beauty parlor

trying to get some
color back into hers.

I don't know went wrong.

I mean, that stuff worked great
on those old jeans, you know.

You know, Carla,
the last time

you and Gloria
got together,

the two of you
were at each other's throats.

I mean, all of a sudden,

you're palling around
like you were Mutt and Jeff.

You being Jeff,
of course.

We're not exactly
palling around.

She's just staying
at my place

Until she goes back
to Kenosha.

Carla, you got a letter here.

Looks kind of official.

You know what?
I would venture to say

That Carla has
finally found a friend.

It sort of put me in mind
of the relationship

you seem to have
with Cliff, Norm.

Yeah.

Hey, where is he tonight, anyway?

I don't know. He said something
about going to the hospital.

Bring me another beer, Sam?

All right, all right!

I'll give him a call,
or I'll stop by,

or I'll ask him about it
when he comes back.

Hey, listen to this, everybody.

Apparently, the ice show
Eddie skated in

had an accidental
death policy,

and I'm Eddie's beneficiary,

which is to say that
Carla Lozoponl Tortelli LeBec

is now worth
a cool $50,000.

What?!

It means I'm rich,
I'm telling you! I'm rich!

I'm rich! I'm rich!

I'm rich! I'm rich!

I'm rich! I'm rich!

Sam, I'm rich!

Oh, my God, I'm rich!

I'm rich. Oh!

I can't believe this!
Look at you!

Can you imagine
what you can buy with $25,000?

Twenty-five? I said 50!

I'm rich!
Come here, you big lug!

I'm rich!

Well, hold it.
The whole point is, honey...

Listen to me.

You made an agreement there
to split the estate with Gloria.

Who?

Gloria.

- Gloria?
- Yeah.

Oh...

Poor Gloria.

Poor Gloria...

...is not here right now

and must never,
ever find out.

Wait a minute, Carla,
this doesn't seem exactly right.

Okay, then try this.

Poor Gloria,
who isn't here right now

to see me buy a round of beers

for all my friends.

To poor Gloria!

For she's a jolly good fellow

Which nobody can deny

Carla, another round,
please.

Bite my Francis.

For she's a tightfisted widow

For she's a tightfisted--

Hey, come here, listen.

$50,000
is a lot of money.

You sure you don't want
to split that

with your best pal?

Oh, you mean Gloria?

Look, it's her own fault.

If she'd been here
two minutes ago,

she'd have got
a free beer.

Carla, we were all witnesses
when you gave your word of honor

that you'd split
anything he left you 50-50.

My word of honor?

If you don't shut up,
I'll split you 50-50.

Carla, you're getting defensive.

I have a feeling
that maybe deep down inside,

you're beginning
to feel a little bit guilty.

Hey, look, if I feel guilty,
it's my business.

Well, all right, suit yourself.

It's the worst thing a person can do,
keep guilt inside.

Has an insidious way
of bringing itself to the surface.

Sure, what do you think's
going to happen?

Suddenly I'm going
to come down with

a severe case of the shakes?

Yes, exactly my point.

Well, I did it on purpose,
you quack.

Hey, guys.

Here I go.

Off to my dress rehearsal.

Dress rehearsal.
What bitter irony.

Now listen, Woody,

when you take off
your clothes on that stage,

it's not exhibitionism.

You are becoming a part

of the rich heritage
of the theater.

You're joining a continuum
that stretches back

from Shakespeare
to the Greeks to the Romans

and all the way back
into the endless mists of time.

Gee, I never thought about it
that way, Dr. Crane.

Really? I had.

Well, maybe I am making
too much of this.

You know, it's not like they're
forcing us to take our clothes off.

In fact, the director said
that we only have to take our clothes off

if the spirit moves us.

Well, what's your problem?

You know, we are, after all,
born naked, Woody.

And it's man's natural state.

I mean, you and I are both naked
underneath our clothes.

Dr. Crane,
you're a married man.

Perhaps I'd do better

to have a little chat
with this gentleman here.

Hey, Norm,

did you ever find out
what happened to Cliff ie?

Yeah, yeah.
It turns out it was the hospital.

He had a little minor surgery.

No big deal.
Yeah, he'll be back in a couple days.

- How's he feeling?
- I'll tell you what,

he's on the phone there.
Why don't you ask him yourself.

Cliff ie, is that you?

Hey, well--

Oh, yeah, yeah,
I bet it does hurt

to have those things
cauterized, yeah.

Hi, Carla.

Look, I got my hair back
to its original shade.

- Great.
- Yeah.

They had stuff left over,
so they did my purse to match.

I got one done for you, too.
Here, catch.

See you back at your house.

Well, that was nice of Gloria.

Now, every time you open your purse,
you can think about her.

Just leave me alone.
I got work to do, okay?

Sam, did we send something
to Woody for opening night?

Yeah. As a matter of fact,

we were going to send him
flowers and candy,

but that's so impersonal.

We sent him
a very nice wristwatch.

A watch?

Seventeen jewels, leather band.

- Yeah.
- How much did that cost?

Actually, nothing.

We got it out of the
lost and found.

And it had been in there
30 days, okay?

It was under a lot of stuff, but...

Can we get
a couple beers, miss?

Yeah, couple beers, Sam.

Coming up here,
sweetheart.

How are you feeling, huh?

Fine. Fine. No problem.

Everything is perfectly okay with me.

Good. There you go.

That'll be three bucks.

Come here.

This has been
going on for a week

and it's not getting
any better.

Now I think we all know

why you're shaking like this.
I mean, admit it.

You're walking around
carrying a very big load.

You bet, and I got it strapped
around me in cash.

No. I meant guilt.

Really? Wow, can I see it?

Well, my friends,

you have missed a once-in-a-lifetime
landmark evening

in the history
of community theater.

Did Woody chicken out?

Oh, no, indeed.

Why didn't you stop me,
Mr. Peterson?

Why didn't anybody
stop me?

Woody, what happened?

Well, last week during rehearsal
I kept thinking,

"Why am I the only one
who's afraid to get naked?

Why am I the only one
who's ashamed?"

So tonight when I got out
in front of that audience,

I ripped off every
stitch of clothing.

And I looked around
and I thought,

"Why am I the only one
who's naked?"

Well, maybe nobody noticed, Wood.

Oh, they noticed, Sam.

As if that wasn't bad enough,

I heard this high-pitched
scream from the audience,

"Hey, look.
He's the only one who's naked."

Sorry, Wood.
You took me by surprise.

Well, at least the evening
wasn't a total disaster.

I was really touched
by this nice watch you guys gave me.

I needed one, too.

I lost one just like it
about a month ago.

Can I have a beer?

Yeah. Beer, Sam.

Look at this, Sam.

I don't need
the use of my hands.

I rigged my tray

so I can do my job perfectly.

That's my beer?

Yeah. Take it yourself.

And don't forget my tip.

If you're going to
put it in there that far,

there'd better be
a ring with it.

Well, I'm perfectly okay, Sam.

I think I'm going to make it.

I just have to hang in there
for another three days,

and Gloria will be on that bus
back to Kenosha,

and all my problems
will be solved.

Now wait a minute,
are you saying that

it's her fault
that you're shaking?

Of course she is.

It's all part
of her fiendish plan.

Why would she have
a fiendish plan?

Because she knows all about
the insurance money.

How do you know she knows?

Because she acts like
she doesn't know!

That's how I know she knows.

Do you want to hear
an example

of what this cruel woman
is trying to do to break my spirit?

She's being nice.

You know what
she did last night?

She did eight loads of laundry,

and I don't have
a washer and dryer.

Carla.

Carla, what are you doing here?

I told you
to stay home today.

I've been worried sick

about the way
you've been shaking.

I want you to go home
right now and get some rest.

I left a pot of minestrone
on the stove.

Are you from Hell?

And I don't want you to worry
about missing your pay here,

because I'm going
to finish your shift.

You are from Hell.
She is, she's from Hell, Sam.

- From Hell.
- Calm down--

No! No! Don't touch me!
Don't touch me!

You know about the money!
Admit it!

You know!
I know you know!

Oh, why are you
torturing me like this?

All right, all right,
here it is. Here it is.

Here's half of the 50,000 bucks
from Eddie's insurance money.

Here. Take it!

Eddie had insurance money?

I didn't know that.

Give me that!

Oh, my God.

Oh, the hell with it.
Here. Take it.

Great. I'm not
shaking anymore.

I can go back
to hustling drinks.

Oh, joy.

So that's why you were shaking?

Because your conscience
was bothering you,

and now out of the goodness
of your heart,

you're giving me
all this money

even though it's
rightfully yours?

That's right, Gloria.

What a chump.

What?

Just because of
a little shaking.

Huh. No wonder Eddie
wanted another wife.

I don't care
what she says.

I know in my heart that
I did the right thing.

- Besides, I still got 25,000 bucks.
- Yeah.

I mean, that can buy a lot of things,
you know?

Yeah, you bet. You know,
I'm proud of you, too.

So what are you
going to buy first?

A big, expensive car,

so the next time
I see her,

I can run the slut down.