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1
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:04,463
Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,214 --> 00:00:06,965
Friends, congratulate me.
3
00:00:07,132 --> 00:00:10,260
I've just had my first three
consecutive hours of sleep
4
00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:11,929
since I became a father.
5
00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:13,222
Lilith's been making you
get up with the baby
6
00:00:13,388 --> 00:00:14,973
at night when it cries, huh?
7
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:17,100
Well, being a progressive couple,
we actually take turns,
8
00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:19,853
but last night,
as she was gently nudging me
9
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,730
with one of her serrated elbows,
10
00:00:23,232 --> 00:00:25,692
I fell back on the old yoga trick
11
00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:28,862
of lowering my heart rate,
12
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,447
holding my breath,
13
00:00:30,614 --> 00:00:33,325
and staring blankly
as though I was dead.
14
00:00:33,492 --> 00:00:34,576
And that worked?
15
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:36,662
Nope. Didn't buy it for a minute.
16
00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:38,080
See, I'd forgotten it was she
17
00:00:38,247 --> 00:00:40,332
that taught me that trick
during our honeymoon.
18
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,002
You know, this, uh, getting up
19
00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:45,837
in the middle of the night
with a crying baby stuff,
20
00:00:46,004 --> 00:00:48,674
that's--that's the reason
I never had kids.
21
00:00:49,633 --> 00:00:51,718
That's the only reason, huh, Cliff?
22
00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:56,098
Well, that and the fact that
my mother taught me
23
00:00:56,265 --> 00:01:00,561
to have a healthy respect
for the evils of overpopulation, Normie.
24
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:03,063
Yeah, you know, I can still remember
her looking at me and saying,
25
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:06,149
"For the love of God, Cliffy,
let it stop with you."
26
00:02:21,183 --> 00:02:22,309
Okay, people,
27
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:23,852
I've got a special day
planned with Robin,
28
00:02:24,019 --> 00:02:25,354
so, I'm leaving the bar
in your control.
29
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,522
I want everything ship-shape.
30
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:29,232
Carla, straighten up
your apron.
31
00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:30,984
Woody, fix your hair.
32
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,111
Sam, stop fixing
your hair.
33
00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:35,781
Robin will be by shortly
34
00:02:35,947 --> 00:02:37,741
and he's taking the day off.
35
00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:39,201
Oh, how nice for you.
36
00:02:39,368 --> 00:02:41,745
Nice? Ha!
37
00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,997
I don't think you understand
the significance of this.
38
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,041
Men like Robin Colcord
do not take days off.
39
00:02:46,208 --> 00:02:47,376
He had to shift appointments,
40
00:02:47,542 --> 00:02:49,044
put off deals,
cancel plane flights.
41
00:02:49,211 --> 00:02:51,672
When a man like Robin
takes a day off,
42
00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:53,924
it is a major commitment.
43
00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:56,176
Well, for me,
it's a way of life.
44
00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,388
So, I guess
this is some kind of honor,
45
00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:02,182
him hanging out with you
instead of his other babe.
46
00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:03,892
You know, the chick
from the French consulate.
47
00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:06,311
That chick is in Paris
being debriefed.
48
00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:09,981
Oh, I thought Robin
was in charge of that.
49
00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:12,484
You know,
I am really not jealous of her.
50
00:03:12,651 --> 00:03:14,027
I don't care. I am winning.
51
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,570
It is obvious
he prefers me.
52
00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:17,239
And he's never taken
a whole day off
53
00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:19,950
- with Jeanne Marie.
- Oh?
54
00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:22,703
Maybe she has a real job.
55
00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:24,913
So, what do you plan on doing?
56
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:26,164
Oh, nothing special.
57
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:27,749
We're just going to play it by ear,
58
00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:29,209
go with the flow.
59
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:30,877
Hey, Miss Howe,
60
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:33,547
I've finished ironing
your wardrobe for the day.
61
00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:36,883
Why didn't you tell me
the iron has a spray setting?
62
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:39,511
I got all dried out
spitting on your clothes.
63
00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:41,805
Thank you, Woody.
64
00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:43,348
So, what's all this?
65
00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:44,808
Today, Robin and I
are going to live out
66
00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,059
every fantasy
I've ever had,
67
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,310
and I want to be properly attired.
68
00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:50,605
So, this is for the beach,
walking hand-in-hand,
69
00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:53,275
picnic in the park,
paddle boats.
70
00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:54,735
Zoo.
71
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:57,279
Seventh row,
phantom of the opera,
72
00:03:57,446 --> 00:04:02,242
and this is for the end
of a romantic evening.
73
00:04:03,994 --> 00:04:06,788
You're planning on locking
your keys in your car, Miss Howe?
74
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,460
Yes, Woody.
75
00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,295
Well, you've gone
to a lot of trouble.
76
00:04:13,462 --> 00:04:15,046
How long you been
planning this?
77
00:04:15,213 --> 00:04:17,966
Since my first day
of puberty.
78
00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:21,762
Ah, pubescence,
an emotional time.
79
00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:23,054
I don't mind saying
80
00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:25,682
that puberty was one
long nightmare for me.
81
00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:27,601
How's that, Cliff?
82
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:30,645
Ma wouldn't allow it
in the house.
83
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,899
Well, on the lovely array
of images that brings to mind,
84
00:04:34,065 --> 00:04:36,109
I'm going to adjourn
to the back room.
85
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,695
I'm ready for a game of darts
if anybody's man enough.
86
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:40,363
Sorry, I'm busy.
87
00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:42,282
Uh, ahem, I will, uh,
88
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,784
I'll play you for a beer.
89
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,285
Oh, you want to make
a little wager, huh?
90
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:47,621
No, no. If you buy me a beer,
I'll play you.
91
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:52,042
Sam? Set up
my friend Norm here.
92
00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:53,543
Hello, Rebecca.
93
00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:55,420
Hi, sweet baby.
94
00:04:58,507 --> 00:04:59,674
Are you ready
for the most relaxing,
95
00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:00,926
exciting day of your life?
96
00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:02,177
I most certainly am.
97
00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:04,387
I just have to make
one phone call first.
98
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:05,931
Well, it isn't business, is it?
99
00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:07,182
On my day off?
100
00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:09,142
Ha! Certainly not.
101
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:12,771
Ah, yes. This is, uh, Colcord.
102
00:05:12,938 --> 00:05:15,899
Give me 5,000 shares
of Metronix international.
103
00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:17,526
Robin...
104
00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:19,611
Oh, yes.
Well, I'll call you later, Aunt Beryl.
105
00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:20,946
God bless.
106
00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:24,074
So, uh, what would you
like to do today?
107
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:25,534
Okay, I'd like to go
to the beach,
108
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:26,952
then I'd like to go
paddle boating,
109
00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:28,286
to the zoo--
110
00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:29,996
Oh, yes.
Your first day of puberty dream.
111
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,289
It had slipped my mind.
112
00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:32,791
Let's be off, eh?
113
00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:34,084
Yeah, I'll get ready.
114
00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:35,460
I have to get into
my beach combing outfit.
115
00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:36,795
Oh, and here's yours.
116
00:05:36,962 --> 00:05:38,421
Right here.
117
00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:39,464
And--and here...
118
00:05:39,631 --> 00:05:41,883
is a little terry-cloth cap
for you to wear.
119
00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:43,385
No.
120
00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:45,929
Fine.
121
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:49,808
Hey, Mr. Colcord,
I think it's great
122
00:05:49,975 --> 00:05:51,977
that you're
taking a day off.
123
00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:53,228
You know, back in Hanover,
124
00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:54,896
we used to always
take Sundays off.
125
00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:57,774
Yeah, me and the family
used to dress in our best clothes,
126
00:05:57,941 --> 00:05:59,025
We'd sit in the parlor,
127
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,403
and read from
the good book.
128
00:06:01,570 --> 00:06:03,405
Then afterward, me and my brother
would go out to the barn
129
00:06:03,572 --> 00:06:04,990
And read
from a bad book.
130
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,870
I love Sundays.
131
00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:13,123
Well,
I whupped 'em both.
132
00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:14,416
Oh, yeah, Frasier.
133
00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:15,667
You definitely threw the one
134
00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:17,752
that came closest
to the dartboard.
135
00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:19,504
Well, what's that
unusual taste?
136
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:20,797
Ah, yes...
137
00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:23,049
Sour grapes. Ha ha ha!
138
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:25,260
So, does anybody else
wish to snatch
139
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:27,262
the laurels of victory
from my brow?
140
00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:30,390
Well, something's got to cover
that beach you call a forehead.
141
00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:35,437
Mr. Colcord.
142
00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:37,564
You English guys,
you play darts a lot, don't you?
143
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:40,358
Oh, yes, we English do nothing
but sit around in pubs,
144
00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:41,860
sipping thick, warm ale,
145
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:43,320
throwing darts incessantly,
146
00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:45,947
dropping our "H's" and singing
"God Save the Queen."
147
00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:47,991
That's all we do in England.
148
00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:51,119
Wow, that film strip
they showed in junior high
149
00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:52,787
was right on the money.
150
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:56,917
I'm... sorry I snapped.
151
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:59,502
It's, um, not because of you people.
152
00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:02,631
It's this business of, um,
sitting around all day,
153
00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:04,257
doing nothing.
154
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,593
Gets on my nerves,
you know.
155
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:10,430
Or, um...
Maybe it is you people.
156
00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:13,099
So, darts.
Who shall I thrash first?
157
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,517
Well, I'll play you for a beer.
158
00:07:14,684 --> 00:07:15,894
Oh, a little wager.
159
00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:17,938
Hmm.
Not exactly. No.
160
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:24,527
That guy is so damn arrogant.
161
00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:28,156
Yep. He likes his beer, too.
162
00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:31,117
No, I was talking
about Robin.
163
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,369
Yeah, but you must admit
164
00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,871
Mr. Peterson can cop an attitude.
165
00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:37,666
You know, I hope Normie
166
00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:39,960
just knocks him down
a peg or two.
167
00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:41,252
Yeah, well,
we all know
168
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,838
that Norm isn't the best
darts player in the bar.
169
00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:46,049
And we all know who is,
don't we, Sammy?
170
00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:47,926
- Come on.
- No, no. I don't want to play him.
171
00:07:48,093 --> 00:07:50,136
I mean, it's one thing
when you play friends,
172
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,721
that's kind of fun,
you know?
173
00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:53,431
But when you start
playing people you don't like,
174
00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,225
other things
kind of enter in,
175
00:07:55,392 --> 00:07:57,811
and you start thinking
about those times
176
00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,772
that he screwed you
out of all that money
177
00:08:00,939 --> 00:08:03,608
or how he, uh,
beat you to Rebecca
178
00:08:03,775 --> 00:08:05,860
after you worked on her
for all those years
179
00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:08,405
and how he always
makes you kind of feel
180
00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:10,865
like a stupid,
know-nothing jerk
181
00:08:11,032 --> 00:08:13,827
with lousy clothes
and a stupid job.
182
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,663
You know something? I'm going
to kick that guy's royal butt!
183
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:25,005
Hey, way to go, Robin!
184
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:26,673
You know, it just isn't fair.
185
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,717
I mean, I came to the--
186
00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:30,051
I wanted to be one of the guys.
187
00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:31,594
And all I'm doing
is sitting on my duff
188
00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:33,054
watching other people
do things.
189
00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:35,473
Welcome to Normworld.
190
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,767
Keep your hands
inside the car at all times.
191
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,480
Hi, darling.
Ready to go to the beach?
192
00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:44,274
I've been to the beach,
thank you.
193
00:08:44,441 --> 00:08:46,067
Well, why didn't
you ask me to go?
194
00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:47,777
I did. I came in here
and screamed your name out
195
00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:49,029
at least a half a dozen times.
196
00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:51,239
I thought you
were cheering me on.
197
00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:53,241
You mean you had to
go to the beach all by yourself?
198
00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:54,868
No. I went with Woody.
199
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,579
I did all those stupid things
that I dreamed of doing.
200
00:08:57,746 --> 00:08:58,955
We walked on the shore,
201
00:08:59,122 --> 00:09:00,832
and we fed the sea gulls,
202
00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:02,792
we skipped stones.
203
00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:05,795
I buried Woody
up to his neck in the sand.
204
00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,380
Oh, my God. Woody!
205
00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:10,550
All right, last shot.
206
00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:12,427
Sammy needs
a bull's-eye to win.
207
00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:14,846
All right, you mean one
of these here?
208
00:09:16,264 --> 00:09:17,891
- Hey!
- Hey!
209
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,142
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
210
00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:21,019
Sammy wins!
211
00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:22,520
Are you sure
about the score?
212
00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:23,938
Absolutely.
213
00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:25,315
I kept score with peanuts.
214
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:26,983
This is you.
This is Sam.
215
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:30,570
- Norm?
- That's right. uh, 250 to 249.
216
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:33,573
You know, if you hurry,
217
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,033
I think you can
catch up with Rebecca there.
218
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,785
Do you fancy
another game, sir?
219
00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:38,828
Oh, no. Come on.
It's over.
220
00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:42,332
Let's just walk away from this
a winner and a loser.
221
00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:44,042
Say, boys, who was
the winner again?
222
00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:46,336
Sammy! Sammy! Sammy!
223
00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:48,505
Well, if not darts,
224
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:51,299
what about
a friendly game of pool?
225
00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:55,095
No, no. I never like
to nail a guy twice in one afternoon.
226
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:56,763
You haven't lived.
227
00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:00,725
Well, perhaps I could make the--
228
00:10:00,892 --> 00:10:01,976
Perhaps I could make
the prospect a little more enticing
229
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:03,228
if we threw in a wager?
230
00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:05,188
Shall we say, um, here--
231
00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:06,606
Uh, one US dollar?
232
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,108
Whoa!
Whoa!
233
00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:10,944
One lousy buck?
234
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,612
Well, you see, Sam,
235
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:15,073
a real sportsman
wouldn't consider it a "lousy buck,"
236
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:16,699
but a trophy.
237
00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:19,452
Something to be held
over the head of the vanquished--
238
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:22,038
A symbol of victory.
239
00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:24,707
All right.
Lag for break.
240
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:26,376
Although I can't understand
241
00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:30,171
why anyone would get
that excited about winning a dollar.
242
00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:32,382
Nah nah nah nah
243
00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:34,592
Nah nah nah nah
244
00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:36,636
Hey hey hey
245
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:37,929
Good-bye
246
00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:40,140
Nah nah nah nah
247
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,892
Nah nah nah nah
248
00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:44,894
Hey hey hey
249
00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:46,771
Good-bye
250
00:10:46,938 --> 00:10:49,232
Aw, don't feel bad, Robin.
You'd have beat him
251
00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:50,942
if you'd called that last shot.
252
00:10:51,109 --> 00:10:53,444
You mean the one that
ricocheted off that mailman's head?
253
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,405
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
254
00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:58,992
Yep. Now, if you'd said,
"Eight ball off of Cliff ie's temple,"
255
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,285
then, maybe this portrait
256
00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:02,287
of George Washington
might be yours.
257
00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:03,538
And by the way, boys,
258
00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:04,789
which president was he again?
259
00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:07,542
- Number one!
- Number one!
260
00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:10,962
Hey, Cliff ie!
261
00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:12,463
Hey, how you feel,
Cliff?
262
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:14,132
Oh, fine, fine.
Just a little crack in the head.
263
00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:15,758
All right.
264
00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:18,136
So, uh, so,
who won the game?
265
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:19,512
Sammy.
266
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,307
Ah, did you?
That's great. That's great.
267
00:11:22,473 --> 00:11:23,975
Carla, how about a beer, eh?
Thanks.
268
00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:26,477
So, uh...
Who won the game?
269
00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:30,356
Sammy did.
270
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:33,651
Sure. No kidding?
Gee, that's great, Sam.
271
00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:35,028
How about a beer,
Carla, eh?
272
00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:39,073
Uh, Cliff...
273
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,242
What do you say
we trot on down
274
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:44,329
to the old emergency
room just for fun, huh?
275
00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:46,873
Yeah, yeah.
Sure thing, Fras.
276
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,750
So, who won that game?
277
00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:53,171
So, do you fancy
another game, Sam?
278
00:11:53,338 --> 00:11:55,840
Whoo! Boy, Robin,
you are a glutton.
279
00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:57,091
Well, it's not often
I meet someone
280
00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:59,135
who can offer me
such a challenge.
281
00:11:59,302 --> 00:12:01,763
I must confess,
I rarely lose.
282
00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:04,057
Really? Well,
you're a natural at it.
283
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:05,850
Hey!
284
00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:07,101
Yes, you're very kind.
285
00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:09,604
It's not surprising you beat me
at these physical games.
286
00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:10,855
I mean, all they depended upon
287
00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:15,109
were simple hand-to-eye
coordination, animal cunning.
288
00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:17,153
I mean, these are the only things
you're adroit at.
289
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,404
Hey, hey, hey,
wait a minute.
290
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,573
No one calls me a droit.
291
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:24,744
Sammy! Sammy! Sammy!
292
00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:27,121
How do you think you would fare
in a game whose outcome
293
00:12:27,288 --> 00:12:31,793
rested purely on intelligence,
acumen, cognitive reasoning?
294
00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:37,006
Okay.
Carla, break out the Yahtzee.
295
00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:41,636
No. I was referring to
the age-old game of chess.
296
00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:43,388
Or don't you indulge
in such sport
297
00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:45,223
in this cultural wasteland?
298
00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:47,350
Hey, hey, hey.
299
00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:48,977
Wait a minute.
300
00:12:49,143 --> 00:12:50,979
Are you talking
about my country?
301
00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:52,605
No, I'm talking about this bar.
302
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,775
Oh. Well, you don't know
the half of it.
303
00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:57,277
Yeah, all right. Okay.
304
00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:59,279
I'll--I'll play you
a little game of chess.
305
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:02,156
But let's not go for
this weenie dollar bet here.
306
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:04,450
I'll tell you what.
Double or nothing.
307
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,995
Well, what do you say--
what do you say we make it
308
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:08,621
Something worth our while?
309
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,999
Both of us.
Um, a week's pay.
310
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,335
My salary...
311
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:15,753
Against your salary.
312
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,380
That's
not exactly fair now.
313
00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:18,881
You don't make tips.
314
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:24,804
Well, what do you say, Sam?
315
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:25,972
All right. Sure.
316
00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:27,932
Fine.
317
00:13:28,099 --> 00:13:29,392
Right,
I'm going back to my penthouse,
318
00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:32,395
and I'll get my chess set...
319
00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:35,565
And I'll see you
in an hour, Sam.
320
00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:37,358
I'll be here.
321
00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:39,902
Boy, Sammy,
I am impressed.
322
00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:41,904
I mean, you have put
a lot on the line.
323
00:13:42,071 --> 00:13:44,907
Do you have any idea how much
that guy takes home in a week?
324
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:47,493
I'd say that's enough money
for me to buy back this bar.
325
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,329
We are home free.
326
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:51,164
- All right, Sammy.
- All I gotta do
327
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,541
is learn how to play chess
in an hour.
328
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,045
Eh, you know, what the heck.
329
00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:59,339
It's got to be
easier than Yahtzee.
330
00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:11,684
- Oh, here's where everybody is.
- Oh, Frasier. How's Cliff?
331
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:14,020
Oh, he's fine, fine.
He'll be all right, I think.
332
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:15,897
They're keeping him
under observation for a while
333
00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:17,357
until he's completely normal.
334
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:20,526
Gee, I never
got to say good-bye.
335
00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:24,447
So, uh, what is all this anyway?
336
00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:25,698
Oh, you're going
to love this.
337
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,283
See, Sammy and Robin
338
00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:30,661
are playing chess
for one week's wages, right?
339
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:31,913
We got
this computer chess game
340
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,664
so that Sammy can beat Robin,
341
00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:34,957
and Norm is going
to feed him
342
00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:37,126
all the right moves
over this headset.
343
00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:41,089
Well, I hate to spoil your fun
with a moral voice,
344
00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:44,425
but, uh, isn't that what
we used to call cheating?
345
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:48,012
I mean, isn't that just like
stealing Robin's money?
346
00:14:48,179 --> 00:14:50,556
No, Frasier, I'm not doing this
for the money.
347
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:52,350
I just want to get
the satisfaction
348
00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:54,852
of seeing his expression
when he gives me the check.
349
00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:56,854
And once it's
in my hand,
350
00:14:57,021 --> 00:14:59,107
I'll rip it up
and throw it in his face...
351
00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:00,358
Maybe.
352
00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:01,692
- Ha ha!
- Ha ha!
353
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,444
So, where did you get
354
00:15:03,611 --> 00:15:04,695
all this expensive
listening equipment anyway?
355
00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:07,490
Oh, this is Pete's stuff.
He uses this stuff all the time.
356
00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:09,742
Pete, are--are you
a surveillance expert?
357
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,911
No. My wife sleeps around a lot.
358
00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:20,753
All right! Bird for three. Ha!
359
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,255
Sam, are you going to play chess
360
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:23,756
or listen
to your basketball game?
361
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,174
I can do both.
362
00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:28,511
King's rook...
to queen one.
363
00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:29,846
Okay.
364
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:32,890
King's rook to queen one.
365
00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:36,018
Well, in that case, uh...
366
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:39,605
My horsey guy takes
your little pointy-headed guy.
367
00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:47,196
You know, you're a--you're
a fascinating opponent,
368
00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:49,991
obviously unskilled
in the finer points of the game.
369
00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:52,827
You have an instinctive,
raw talent that pulls you through
370
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:55,496
and makes me want
to squash you like a bug.
371
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:57,790
Queen takes bishop.
Check.
372
00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,333
All right! Jump ball!
373
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:00,918
Oh, God. I wish you could
hear this game, you guys.
374
00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:02,295
Sam? Sam, here.
375
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:03,671
Sam? I checked.
I checked.
376
00:16:03,838 --> 00:16:04,922
Oh. That's all right.
377
00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:06,215
Check. All right. Uh...
378
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,886
Well, in that case, um,
379
00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:13,222
my castle takes your queen.
380
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:14,640
Get out of that, rich boy.
381
00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:20,855
Well...
382
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:24,025
Robin...
383
00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:26,068
Woody and I have
been to the beach.
384
00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:27,820
We have been
to the zoo.
385
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,989
We went paddle boating.
386
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,200
We saw Phantom.
387
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:34,869
Oh, it was wonderful.
Thank you for asking.
388
00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:36,704
Woody was a model escort,
389
00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:39,123
except for one little annoying habit
of constantly asking me,
390
00:16:39,290 --> 00:16:41,709
"Is this part scary?
Is this part scary?"
391
00:16:42,793 --> 00:16:45,129
It was. Thank you for asking.
392
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:48,299
I am going to go freshen up,
393
00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:51,093
and then we're going
to a late supper.
394
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:54,222
Oh, uh, actually, Miss Howe,
I'm not really hungry.
395
00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:56,015
I was talking to Robin.
396
00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:59,352
Oh, yeah. Dream on.
397
00:17:03,606 --> 00:17:05,358
Norm, how many times
have I told you
398
00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:07,401
I don't want you in here
trying to erase your bar tab?
399
00:17:07,568 --> 00:17:08,945
Oh, come on.
400
00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:10,530
Pfft. Come on.
401
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:12,406
You think I would do something
as deceitful as that?
402
00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:14,367
I'm only trying to help Sammy
cheat at chess.
403
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:16,202
That's terrible.
404
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,620
Can you step on it?
405
00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:19,455
Robin and I
can still make that late supper.
406
00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:20,706
I'm trying, I'm trying,
407
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,708
but I think
my bar tab's eaten up
408
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:25,670
most of the memory
on this computer.
409
00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:26,921
You made another move.
410
00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:28,422
Hey, hey, hey.
Sammy's talking.
411
00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:30,258
Yeah, yeah.
It's very clever of you
412
00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:32,218
to have moved your
pointy-headed thing
413
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:35,513
to the white square,
second from the bottom
414
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,473
on the far right.
415
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,809
Uh, right, Sam.
Okay, yeah, here we go.
416
00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:45,064
Holy cow. It went blank.
417
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:46,482
Pardon me?
418
00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:49,694
What?
419
00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:51,654
I... said, "Pardon me."
420
00:17:51,821 --> 00:17:53,072
I burped.
421
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:56,742
No, you didn't.
422
00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:59,203
Well, you couldn't hear me,
but I did,
423
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:01,038
and I'm sorry.
424
00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:02,665
Oh.
425
00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:04,166
Well, then, gesundheit.
426
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:05,751
I didn't sneeze.
427
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:08,212
Perhaps you will one day,
and I won't hear it.
428
00:18:10,381 --> 00:18:11,799
I can't get
the board back.
429
00:18:11,966 --> 00:18:13,342
He's on his own.
430
00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:14,635
Aw, poor Sammy.
431
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:16,053
Oh, come on, guys.
432
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:17,972
We've seen Sammy
in situations like this
433
00:18:18,139 --> 00:18:19,890
Hundreds of times--
434
00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:21,809
You know,
the game's on the line,
435
00:18:21,976 --> 00:18:23,644
the best hitter's
coming up to the plate,
436
00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,271
men on second and third.
437
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:26,314
And who do they call in?
438
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,816
Mayday Malone
with his "slider of death."
439
00:18:28,983 --> 00:18:30,276
Well, what would he do?
440
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,862
Well, he'd usually give up
a three-run homer.
441
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,364
It was Sam's teammates
442
00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:37,950
who called it the "slider of death."
443
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,703
So they had
a man on first
444
00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:42,496
and a man on second.
445
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:45,124
Who do they call in
but old Mayday Malone
446
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:47,918
with his "slider of death."
447
00:18:48,085 --> 00:18:50,004
Why did they call it that?
448
00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:52,173
None of your business.
449
00:18:53,924 --> 00:18:56,844
That's very nice,
but your time is running out, Sam.
450
00:18:57,011 --> 00:18:58,262
Move or forfeit.
451
00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:02,433
All right. Fine. There.
452
00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:06,437
That is either the stupidest move
in the world, or...
453
00:19:08,814 --> 00:19:10,316
That was very clever, Sam.
454
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:15,112
What will you do when I move
my bishop to king knight five?
455
00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:17,156
I don't know.
456
00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:20,951
All right. Is this, uh,
horsey guy mine?
457
00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:23,329
Yes.
458
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,289
Well, ahem,
459
00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:27,875
can I move that here...
460
00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:31,087
And that's checkmate?
461
00:19:35,091 --> 00:19:36,634
What?
462
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:39,762
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
463
00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:41,806
I win.
That's checkmate.
464
00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:44,642
Yeah. You shouldn't have moved
your cardinal, bub.
465
00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:46,560
Bishop!
It's called a bishop.
466
00:19:47,478 --> 00:19:49,063
I only moved him
because your last move
467
00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:50,564
was so incredibly stupid,
that I thought
468
00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:51,857
you were
up to something clever.
469
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,025
Heh. Yeah. Well,
470
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,986
sometimes incredibly stupid
is clever enough for me.
471
00:19:57,446 --> 00:19:58,531
Why did you do that?
472
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:01,117
Up to then, you were playing
a classic Alekhine's defense,
473
00:20:01,283 --> 00:20:03,202
and I was matching you
every step of the way.
474
00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:06,664
Why in the world did you
make that stupid move?
475
00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:08,165
Wait! Wait! Whoa.
476
00:20:08,332 --> 00:20:12,461
Which one of you told him
to make that stupid move?
477
00:20:15,506 --> 00:20:16,590
You knew?
478
00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:18,134
What do you think I am,
an idiot?
479
00:20:20,094 --> 00:20:21,178
What gave me away?
480
00:20:21,345 --> 00:20:22,972
Well, for starters,
481
00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:25,266
the basketball game which you
were supposed to be listening to
482
00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:26,851
was on the television set
behind you
483
00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:29,061
and it had been over
for about an hour.
484
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:31,856
Boy, those English guys
are clever.
485
00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:36,360
No wonder we lost that war.
486
00:20:36,527 --> 00:20:39,405
No, we didn't lose the war.
We won it.
487
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:41,699
Oh, right. Then how come
we speak English?
488
00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:51,000
Hey, man, come on.
489
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:53,169
You know,
just don't be a droit.
490
00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:57,423
All right, all right.
491
00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:58,966
If you knew
this game was fixed,
492
00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:00,718
then how come
you went along with it?
493
00:21:00,885 --> 00:21:03,262
Are you joking?
494
00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:04,597
That was the only thing
about the game
495
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,432
that held any challenge for me,
Samuel.
496
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:09,059
Okay, so, you knew it was fixed,
and yet you went ahead and played.
497
00:21:09,226 --> 00:21:11,353
I say that I won
fair and square.
498
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:12,605
You owe me.
one week's salary.
499
00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:13,898
Come on, bud, and don't, uh,
500
00:21:14,064 --> 00:21:15,691
leave out any of those
little zeros there.
501
00:21:15,858 --> 00:21:17,401
Oh, right you are, Sam.
502
00:21:17,568 --> 00:21:20,070
Um, I must preface this
by saying that, um,
503
00:21:20,237 --> 00:21:22,823
in order to keep my tax bracket low,
I am a corporation.
504
00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:25,451
And the nominal salary
I pay myself
505
00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,578
as president
of that corporation
506
00:21:27,745 --> 00:21:29,121
is $1.00 a year,
507
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,081
which means that
my weekly salary
508
00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:34,210
after taxes is...
509
00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:35,544
one penny.
510
00:21:37,004 --> 00:21:39,590
Well, well.
511
00:21:43,928 --> 00:21:46,263
One penny.
512
00:21:46,430 --> 00:21:48,015
Sam,
513
00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:51,227
you used all this electronic
paraphernalia to cheat,
514
00:21:51,393 --> 00:21:52,603
and what did
it get you?
515
00:21:54,188 --> 00:21:55,898
One penny.
516
00:21:57,525 --> 00:21:59,485
And, you, Robin...
517
00:22:00,611 --> 00:22:01,737
You take
the one day off
518
00:22:01,904 --> 00:22:03,322
that you've
had in years,
519
00:22:03,489 --> 00:22:04,907
and what do you
do with it?
520
00:22:05,074 --> 00:22:08,702
You spend the whole day
fighting over...
521
00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:10,412
one penny.
522
00:22:11,956 --> 00:22:13,499
And what about me?
523
00:22:14,792 --> 00:22:16,710
You take the one day
524
00:22:16,877 --> 00:22:18,712
that I have always
dreamed about,
525
00:22:18,879 --> 00:22:21,715
and you turn it into
the most depressing,
526
00:22:21,882 --> 00:22:25,553
pathetic day of my life.
527
00:22:30,474 --> 00:22:33,143
Oh, Woody, I'm sorry.
I had fun with you.
528
00:22:33,310 --> 00:22:35,062
Look what you did!
529
00:22:38,482 --> 00:22:39,942
You know,
you're right, Rebecca.
530
00:22:40,109 --> 00:22:41,193
I've been acting
like a fool.
531
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:42,444
You see,
for one moment,
532
00:22:42,611 --> 00:22:45,739
I actually lost control
of that competitive edge
533
00:22:45,906 --> 00:22:47,449
which built my empire.
534
00:22:47,616 --> 00:22:49,577
Yeah. I apologize.
535
00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:52,246
And what did
you learn, Sam?
536
00:22:53,831 --> 00:22:56,750
Well, I learned that it's not
that much fun to play games
537
00:22:56,917 --> 00:22:59,169
if all you're worried about
is winning or losing.
538
00:22:59,336 --> 00:23:02,715
I'm sorry that we ruined
your day like that.
539
00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:05,384
I guess I said a lot of
childish things there, Robin.
540
00:23:05,551 --> 00:23:06,719
I'm sorry.
541
00:23:06,886 --> 00:23:08,304
Um, you're a good sport.
542
00:23:08,470 --> 00:23:11,265
Ahem. Let's--let's call it even,
shall we?
543
00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:17,646
One, two, three, four,
I declare a thumb war.
36451
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