All language subtitles for Cheers.S08E09.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Carla? Beer, please.

Friends, circle the day in red.

Today, Lilith and I are off on
our first outing sans baby.

All right. Congratulations, Frasier.

And well deserved, too.
I feel like a free man.

You have no idea how an infant
can dominate your life.

Fortunately, Lilith and I have seen to it

that we can get away
and enjoy ourselves independently.

Where you going?

First, we're off to the crib store
to buy a new liner,

and then it's a Lamaze reunion.

Wait, wait, wait.

So who's taking care
of the little papoose?

Oh, we've lucked into
the most fabulous au pair.

You know, one of those
foreign-exchange students who,

in return for room and board,
take care of the child?

Ours happens to be large,
blond, and from Sweden.

Now, Lilith doesn't object to having

a spicy little Swedish meatball
around the house?

She's been so busy being a mommy,
I don't think she's even noticed.

Come on, Frasier.

We don't want to cut
into Torsten's exercise time.

Good morning.

Sam, you're seven minutes late.

Oh, boy, I wish I was more like you.

But I just can't seem

to find the time to sit around,

watching the minutes tick by
while I get older,

realizing that
I've wasted my life.

I meant roughly seven.

So what's your excuse?

Well, I had a date last night
I was seven minutes late for

and I just could never catch up.

And I suppose you didn't have
time to shave this morning?

Oh, sorry. I forgot.

Sure, you forgot.

It wouldn't happen that you
think that looks sexy, would it?

No. Really, I just forgot.

It looks sexy, huh?

Sammy, say, you shouldn't
be so surprised.

You know, women really can't
resist a thick crop of jaw hair.

It goes back to, uh...
it goes back to Androcles.

Wait a second.
Wasn't Androcles the guy who pulled

the thorn out of the lion's paw?

That's what he told his wife when she found
the scratches on his back, huh?

I'm telling you, guys.
Babes and beards.

Yeah?

If beards are such a babe magnet,
why don't you have one?

Well, as a matter of fact,
Carla, in my family's history,

I'm the first Clavin
to go without a beard.

You're the first Clavin
to go without a tail.

You know, Carla, you know,

one day without giving
the old Norelco a face ride,

this chin would outshine Sammy's.

Oh, what are we talking about here,
a beard-growing contest?

You got it.

What do you say, Sammy?
20 bucks?

What the heck.

I haven't had a beard for a while,

and it's all in good fun.

It really looks sexy, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Yasir 'Arafat
always gets me hot.

Okay. I'll be the judge.

You have one month, starting today.

Your beards will be rated on length,

body, fullness, luster,

sheen, and bounce.

"Bounce"? How you going to judge bounce?

You'll see.

What do you say there, Norm?

You want to put your peach fuzz
on the starting line?

Like I've got nothing better to do
than sit around a bar

all day and watch my hair grow.

Yeah, I'm in. Yeah.

Can you believe
this pathetic display?

It pleases me that
you're secure enough in your masculinity

to forego these never-ending
rites of passage.

No, no, I mean that
this convention of babies' bottoms

think they can grow
better beards than me.

All right, you bald-faced debutantes, I'm in.

Hey, guys. I thought you were
out on a date.

We are, Sam.

I'm topping off the evening by
bringing Kelly here to Cheers.

Why do that?
You spend all your time here.

Well, I know, but tonight
I'm here as a customer,

and that means I get
to order you around.

Two ginger ales, big guy,
and don't try to slip us any of that house stuff.

Look at him run.

Wow, Woody!

When you were talking about this
in the car,

I never thought you'd go through with it.

Wow, this customer stuff
is going to be great.

You know, usually I'm so busy working,
I miss out

on all the witty conversation
that goes on around here.

Norm, you seem to have
a little cheese-doodle dust

on the corner
of your mouth there.

No, I didn't have
any cheese doodles.

Last night you did.

I did?

Yeah. Wow.

Boy, that stuff really keeps, doesn't it?

I hate to tear myself away, Woody,

but I better get
my dad's car home.

All right. I'll let you know if they find
any more food on Mr. Peterson's face.

Cheers.

Yeah, hold on a second.

Woody, Lee Bradken.

Aren't you
forgetting something, Sam?

I'm the customer,
you bring the phone to me.

In that case, I'm going to
charge you $2.00 for that ginger ale.

Coming!

Hello?

I did?

Oh, thank you, Mr. Bradken!

Oh, thanks a lot!
I won't let you down!

Thank you very much!

Hey, everybody, that was the director
of my community theater!

I finally got a lead
in one of our plays!

First, I get a bike
when I'm ten, and now this?

Boy, I...

Woody, what part are you
going to play?

Oh, I'm playing George Gibbs
from Our Town,

kind of a naive, small-town guy
who's a little shy

and sort of backward.

Can you believe
they chose me?

Oh, this is really exciting.

The girl who's playing Emily
is a terrific actress.

I mean, actually, she's got
kind of an advantage

because her real name is Emily.

She don't even have to learn
to answer to a different name.

Oh. I guess you'll be
doing all the real work, then, huh?

All I can say is it's about time.

You have lugged coffee
around and sold tickets

in that theater long enough.

Just paying my dues,
Miss Howe.

Boy, this is a big night for me.

Who wants to help me
paint the town?

- All right!
- Yeah!

- Hey, where we going, Wood?
- To the theater.

I'm in charge of the scenery
and I got to paint the town.

So do you think my beard
makes me look older?

No.

Really?

Yeah. It's your hairline
that makes you look older.

Well, Rebecca, the contest
is almost over.

You only got
about 24 more hours

to keep stealing those subtle little
glances at me.

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on.
I've seen you looking at me

over your shoulder like...

A little ashamed, but not being able
to stop yourself.

Yeah, right. You look like
you live in the woods and chop trees.

In this fantasy of yours,
is my shirt on or off?

Oh, please!

Are there little droplets of sweat running down
my well-formed body like rivers?

Don't make me laugh.

I saw that.

Sam? Sam, get this.

Who do you think I look like with
my beard this way?

Oh. Well, that's easy.

You look like that little guy
on the cans of deviled ham.

No, no.

Sigmund Freud,
the father of modern psychoanalysis

and one of the greatest minds
of the 20th century.

He gave all that up
to sell deviled ham?

The man had to live.

You know, lately,
when I'm in my office taking notes

about some patient who's
pouring his guts out,

I imagine I'm Dr. Freud
and I'm back in Vienna,

hobnobbing with
the great minds of the era,

exchanging quips with Jung,

developing the original theories
of psychoanalysis.

Before I know it, the hour's up.

I've discovered I haven't even listened
to a single thing the patient's been saying.

It makes a nice change.

Evening, everybody.

- Norm!
- Norm!

What can I get you, Norm?

Got any flea powder?

No. Just kidding.
Actually, give me a beer.

I think I'll drown the little suckers.

That beard's looking good, man.

It's filling in nice.

Yeah, I got to hand it to you guys.
You are good.

Not in the ballpark
of Nick Tortelli, though.

Yeah?

Now, that was a hairy man.

Yeah, you know,
the first time I saw him naked,

I couldn't even tell he was naked.

But then who would've expected it
at a Bob's Big Boy?

Oh! Hide, everybody!

Hide! Hide!

It's the wolf man!

Oh, no! No!

Sorry. Relax. It's just Cliff.

Very funny, Norm. Very funny.

Don't give up
your day job, huh?

Oh, that's right,
you don't have a day job.

All right. Come on, Cliff, admit it.

The beard looks a little pathetic, huh?

Apology accepted, Norm.

You guys, tomorrow is Woody's opening night
and he's really excited.

So why don't we chip in...

Wolf man!

I love that gag!

Emily, I'm going to
do my best.

I love you, Emily.

I need you.

Well,
if you love me...

Wait. Wait. Stop.

Woody, honey,
tomorrow is opening night.

I'm not getting love from you.

Well, I really do
respect your work, sir.

Not for me, for Emily.

When you say "I love you,"
I don't believe

you're really talking to this girl.

Again, please.

I love you, Emily.

No, no, no.

Ron, honey, you want
to help Woody run lines for a minute?

Do I have to?

What kind of a theater
is this, Ron?

Community theater.

Come on, Woody.

Emily, honey,
we got a little problem here.

Is it me?

Because I really felt connected
in that last run-through.

Honey, you're the best actress
we have.

No, it's Woody.

I think I may have
to replace him in the part.

Every time he has to touch you
or play anything

resembling a love scene,
he just freezes up.

Maybe I can get him
to loosen him up.

Oh, give it a try.

I suppose if you
could get him past

that one little block,
then we could be free

to work on all his other blocks.

I'll try, Mr. Bradken.

Woody, honey,
you want to come back center stage?

Emily's going to work
with you a little longer.

Come on, Ron.
I need a lift to my sister's up at the cape.

Do I have to?

Ron...

Community theater.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I'm centered.

I'm breathing
from my diaphragm.

I found my focal point.

I'm not chewing gum.

Why don't we try
improvising a little?

We'll get on our ladders
and we'll just say

Whatever we think
our characters are thinking.

And remember,
George and Emily

aren't two innocent kids
playing around with love.

They're consumed by
the fire of their passion.

Don't you think?

Okay, I'll start.

It's a beautiful moon, isn't it, Woody.

I mean George?

It sure is, Emily. I mean Emily.

I hate to waste a romantic night
like this when we could be...

exploring our feelings for each other.

What are you doing improvising
on my ladder?

Come on, Woody, don't be shy.
I'm not.

There's just that
perfectly good ladder over there

that nobody's improvising on.

Woody, I think we need
to feel the same passion and fire

that George and Emily felt...

Now.

What are you doing?

Improvising the farewell scene.

There is no farewell scene.

There is now.

So there I am,
hanging from a rope,

and she said she wants
to experience love with me.

Woody.

On a rope?

Oh, boy, she must be strong, huh?

She was coming on
to me really strong.

She said she wanted
to get close to me.

She kept talking
about flames and passion.

I mean, this girl wants me,
and I don't even know her.

Does that ever
happen to you, Sam?

Well, not this afternoon.

Uh-oh. She just got in under the wire.

What if Kelly finds out?
She won't understand.

She's already upset because
I haven't been spending a lot of time with her.

Oh, she's got to understand.

You're in a play.
You have rehearsals.

I haven't exactly told
Kelly I'm in a play.

Why not?

Well, Kelly's kind of
an old-fashioned girl.

This play has a lot of stuff like kissing
and homework and dying.

Believe me, our town
isn't the kind of play

you want to take a nice girl to.

Woody, Woody, you got
to tell Kelly you're rehearsing a play.

I'm afraid Sammy's right.

You can't go sneaking out at nights
on somebody you love.

Woody, you have to believe
that truth and...

- Norm, it's Vera.
- I'm not here.

...honesty are the cornerstones
of any relationship.

You're right, Mr. P.

Kelly's coming by later this afternoon.

I'm going to tell her the truth.

Good man, Wood.

After all, being a proud member
of the theater world is nothing to be ashamed of.

How would you know?

Well, back in my university days,
I once trod the boards.

Most memorably as Man Number Two

in our production of Can Can.

- I didn't know that, Dr. Crane.
- Oh, yes.

Theater was the only time
I seriously considered giving up psychology

for the arts,

but I couldn't disappoint my father.

No, sir, not him.

I remember opening night.

I stared breathlessly out from behind
the curtain to see

if he'd taken the seat
I'd left for him.

But he was too busy
with his experiments to show up.

Always involved with
those damned experiments.

Your dad was a scientist, huh?

No. He was a white rat.

Of course he was a scientist, you nit!

You see, my father wanted me
to go into psychology...

He insisted on it.

At the time, I hated him for it.

Then he died before
I had a chance to realize

that he was right,
and I never got to tell him.

It's funny, isn't it?

That's a good one, all right, Dr. Crane!

Woody...

I meant "funny" in a sad, ironic way.

I know! Those kill me!

All right, losers.

Let's count the hair
on our chinny-chin-chins.

Come off it, Clavin.

If you expect us to believe
you grew that phony beard overnight,

you're as stupid as you look.

No chance of that, Carla.

No, this righteous facial moss is pure Clavin.

Yeah, baloney!

This thing is really on there.

Hey, all right. Knock it off!

Come on, guys, I told you.

I told you Clavin hair grows in spurts.
It runs in the family.

As a matter of fact, Grandpa Clavin...

He used to let us
hang from his beard.

No, wait a second.
Grandpa Clavin died when I was six.

Who was that guy?

Okay. It's time to pick who has
the best beard.

Test number one.

If all the contestants will please line up,
my lovely assistant...

Will help me with the beer
absorption test.

Beer absorption test. Okay.

Thank you.

Hey, whoa.

Vanna.

Norm, no cheating!

Woody.

Hi, Emily.
What are you doing here?

Try the cheeks now, boys.
Really roll them around in there. Come on.

Come on, come on.
Soak up every drop.

This counts as one fifth of your score.

Are you okay?

Sure. Fine.

I just want to make sure I didn't
scare you last night.

I wasn't coming on to you
or anything.

I was just trying to motivate you,
stir something inside of you.

I never wanted anything
to actually happen between us.

I've heard of that.

Yeah, it's called method acting.

Where I come from,
they call it a certain kind of teasing.

Where can we go to rehearse?

What about
the pool room?

Okay.

Do you know we only have four hours

to make an audience believe that we
are a young couple growing up,

falling in love, getting married,
and dying?

They'd have to be
pretty stupid to buy that.

No, that didn't stick.

Just what are you trying to accomplish
with this test anyway?

Nothing.
I'm just trying to put out your eye.

I love you, Emily.
I need you.

It should be
more like this.

Woody!

I can't believe it!

Oh, wait, Kelly.
It's not what it looks like.

Don't make excuses, Woody.

Now I see what's going on.

You're busy every night
and you won't tell me why.

I walk in here and find the two
of you kissing in the back room of a bar.

It all adds up...

You're in a play
and you didn't even tell me!

Wait! Maybe I was
just cheating on you!

4,061...

4,062...

Wait. This is a misunderstanding.

Yeah, listen to him.

You stay out of this.

Oh! Woody's babes coming to blows.

- Catfight!
- Catfight!

You get out of my way right now,
or so help me

I'll hurt your feelings.

You do, and I'll
hurt yours right back.

Kitten fight.

- Kitten fight.
- Kitten fight.

Look, I'm really sorry.

When I get miffed,
the adrenaline just goes crazy.

Kelly, I didn't tell
you about the play

because I thought you might be uncomfortable
seeing me kiss and hug another woman.

Come on, Woody.
I've seen plays before.

I can't believe you didn't trust me
enough to understand.

I didn't want to take the chance
of something coming in-between us.

You're my girlfriend.
I love you, Kelly.

Why can't you say it
to me like that?

Well, I don't love you.
I love Kelly.

Can't you pretend I'm Kelly?

Would that be okay, Kelly?

Well, all right.
but just for the play.

I'm sorry.

I just can't look you in the eyes
when I say that.

Well, why don't you try
starting on something else?

Just say it to the air.

I love you, air.

Great! All right. Now say it to this guy.

I love you, Tecumseh.

Hey, I'm starting
to get the hang of this.

I love you, Miss Howe.

Thank you, Woody.

I love you, Mr. Clavin.

Well, Woody,
it takes quite a man to admit that.

I was just acting.

Oh, yeah. So was I.

I'm starting to get this.

Now say it to me.

I love you, Emily.

Oh, Woody.

Mr. Bradken said that if
you didn't get over this,

he's going to replace you
in the part.

I love you, Emily.

So that's the secret to acting, fear!

So what other bad things did he
say about me?

Hear ye, hear ye.

Here are the results
you've all been waiting for.

And the winner is...

Cliff Clavin.

Oh, man.

Hey, surprise.

Well, we know
it's not fixed.

But you should be.

Well, don't look at me, you guys.

He passed all the tests.

Yep, I'm going to go call my barber...

Yeah, yeah, yeah...
tell him I won the contest

in spite of that inch
he trimmed off my beard.

Well, I suppose
it's time we shave.

Yep.

To tell you the truth, I'm going
to kind of miss the old beard.

Yeah.

I rather enjoyed
looking like a macho,

grizzly, gnarly kind of guy that my wife
wouldn't come near with a 10-foot pole.

Yeah, I'd like to talk to somebody

about one of your industrial
adhesive products.

So what do you think?
Should I keep it or lose it?

I know how sexy you think it is.

Well, Sam, to tell you the truth,

I think the sexiest part about a beard
is when a man shaves it.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

I've always had this little fantasy
about sitting in a guy's lap

and lathering him up real good,

and then taking it off,
taking it all off.

What's the point of having a
fantasy unless you make it real?

I agree.
I'm going to do it.

Oh, yeah?

Norm, can you come
in my office, please?

I see. I see.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Yeah, well, just for the sake of argument,
suppose it did come in contact with human skin.

Now, can they do that
on an out-patient basis?