All language subtitles for Cheers.S08E08.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Hey, everybody!

My grandmother cleaned out her attic.
Guess what she found?

Your grandfather?

No. he doesn't go in the attic.

It's a memory quilt

That all the women
in my family made for me

when I graduated from high school.

I've heard about these things.

A bunch of women get together
and embroider patches

that illustrate your happy memories
of the young man's life.

So these women were
authentic folk artists then?

No. Just bored housewives.

Hey, check this out.

See this soft little square here?

This is a piece of
my very first baby blanket.

What do those little
dots signify?

That represents my
very first childhood disease, smallpox.

I almost died.

What's that long
green thing there?

This is the beanstalk
from my first high school play.

I fell off of it in the first act,
cracked two ribs and punctured a lung.

I almost died.

This red patch here
represents the big fire

that burned down my house
when I was six.

And what, you almost died?

No. I got out.

While I was running away,
I fell in this well right here,

and I almost...

Well, you know.

Okay, everybody,
I got a petition here

I want you all to sign.

Clavin, you first.

No, no. I'm very particular
about where I put my John Hancock.

If you don't sign this in the
next 30 seconds,

your John Hancock is going to be
a Betsy Ross.

Right about here, you say?

Not that I'm questioning you,
or anything, sweetheart,

but what are we signing here?

Well, when Eddie passed away,
I wanted to do something special for him.

So I started this petition
to get the Bruins to retire his number.

Kind of like a memorial.

Yeah, that'll show the people of Boston
won't forget old...

Old... what the hell is his number?

Thirty eight.

38? Oh, no, no.

Thirty eight will not work.

That's like the most popular
guy on the team, one of the top-scorers.

Is he dead?

All right. Eddie's got him there, I guess.

Don't you forget it.

All right, I got to get
more names, everybody.

You guys over here,
you want to sign a petition

to commemorate Eddie LeBec?

Oh, sure.

Well deserved, too.

Thank you. At least somebody around here
has some respect.

Who's Eddie LeBec?

You remember.
He's that cartoon skunk...

Who always fell in love with black cats

That had crawled under freshly
painted fences.

Oh, yeah.

Is he dead?

Yeah. Just sign.

Oh... darn...

Why...

Why me?

You want to talk about it,
or do you want to whine?

I guess I want to talk about it.

No, no. Can't do both.

Corporate wants me to throw
some idiotic, stupid retirement party

for some insignificant
middle-management nobody.

You're retiring? Congratulations!

I wish. I thought I was through with
this sort of crap.

Corporate hasn't
bothered me for months now.

In fact, I haven't even
heard from those people

in I don't know how long.

Hey...

Wait a minute.

You don't think they
have somebody else

doing this stuff, do you?

Oh, who's moving in
on my turf?

I'm going to make
a few calls.

Hello, everyone!

It's Cranes á trois.

Look who's making
his first trip to the big bar.

Show everybody
his little fake ID, hon.

Frasier, please.

I'm just having a little fun.

I've tapped into a whole new vein
of humor with this baby thing.

For example,

how many babies does
it take to change a light bulb?

Answer... none!

Babies don't have the motor skills
or the depth perception

to change a light bulb.

That one does get me.

He looks so different than
he did in the hospital.

Yes, I know. The days flee so quickly.

If only we had had the foresight
to capture those early days of innocence.

Now they're gone forever.

How old is he now?

About a week.

Say, has his bellybutton
fallen off yet?

Oh, any day now.

What do you mean?

Well, you see,
when the umbilical cord is severed,

the remaining umbilicus stays attached
to the naval for several days,

during which time it comes to resemble
a sort of shriveled, week-old banana.

It's very funny you use that analogy

because the human umbilical cord,
if memory serves,

is 90% potassium.

Stay away from the baby, will you, Cliff?

You got a name
for him yet?

Frederick.

Hey, all right!

Fred, Freddy, the Fredder man!

Frederick.

That, uh,
that's quite a rig you got there.

Isn't it marvelous?

This is a native rebozo
used by the peasant women of Mexico

to keep the baby close and warm

and enable it to feel
the mother's heartbeat.

How much does something like
that run you?

Just a few paltry pesos in Mexico.

Or 144 bucks at Saks.

Well, Daddy, we should run
if we want to pick up those deli platters

before the party.

You are all coming to the bris this
afternoon, aren't you?

You bet. We wouldn't miss
that bris deal for anything.

I can't tell you
how much it means to us.

As you all know, I was raised without
a religious tradition.

I'm determined my son shall not be
similarly deprived.

I'm so grateful to Lilith
and her Jewish faith

for providing Frederick
a heritage of spirituality.

You know, the ceremony promises
to be quite enlightening.

After all, it's not every day
you're ritually circumcised.

What?

Well, that's what a bris is.

Yes. The religious ceremony
where the baby's circumcised.

Oh, the baby!

Look, Eddie wasn't
just any hockey player.

He was a legend.
He represents the little people.

It's the least you can do!

Okay, fine!

Boy, one of these days,
I'm going to kill my mother.

Are those losers
from corporate here yet?

Just you.

What is that?

I needed some refreshments
for the retirement party,

so I got this day-old platter of seafood
from Melville's.

Ohh, the shrimp
is slithering off the toothpicks.

Don't just stand there.
Get me a hot glue gun.

Hey, Sam, what are you doing back?
I thought you were going to the baby's bris.

Well, I wanted to.

Have you ever tried
to find a date for one of those things?

Don't you think that
Frasier and Lilith are gonna be insulted

if you're not there?

You know what a mob scene those
circumcisions are.

They're not going to miss
one little person.

Hey... wait a minute, man.

What are you doing here?

I was going to go,

but the thought of renting a tuxedo

and everything just...

It wasn't formal.
You didn't need to rent a tuxedo.

Great. Then I can afford
a few more rounds.

You know, you guys,
this is a very important occasion for the cranes.

Somebody should go from Cheers.

Why aren't you there?

I have a perfect excuse.

I have to entertain
a bunch of deadheads.

Well, we're here. Start, uh, juggling.

We're here
for my retirement party.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Everything's set up
in the back. Come on.

Come on.
Shake 'em, don't dawdle.

I don't see why I have to retire.
I'm only 65.

I've got ten or 15
more good years in me.

The seafood will
take care of that.

Hey. Sam and Mr. Peterson are here.

You didn't go, either?

It's not our fault.

I mean... we looked and looked
for a place to park.

Just couldn't find one.

Maybe we should have looked near their house
instead of just around the ball park.

So you guys
all chickened out, huh?

Carla, you're a woman.
You couldn't possibly understand.

What, you're
a bunch of wussy wimps

who couldn't even go to a ceremony

that involved a little pain
that wasn't even your own?

Oh, then you
do understand.

This is nothing anyway.

The original rites of passage

started with the jungle tribes
down there in Borneo.

- Yeah.
- When a young jungle tribal lad

was on the brink of puberty,
they'd bring him forward

and take out this large,
sharpened clamshell--

Oh, no. Don't tell me.

Fill it with dip, pass it around
with the hors d'oeuvres...

Then they'd take
these two jagged big rocks--

- Oh, Cliff ie, Cliff, Cliff.
- Bang them together

to call all of the tribes out of the hills,

then the witch doctor stepped up

with this long, sharpened bamboo staff--

Oh, here it comes.

Shoved it into the ground
and hung a flag on it.

They danced around it pretty much
till they dropped.

Wait. When do they
circumcise the kid?

What do you mean,
circumcise?

There are no Jews in Borneo, you moot yak.

I don't know
about you guys,

but I feel ashamed.

I mean, Lilith and Frasier
are our friends.

We should be there.

Sammy's right.

There are times when
a man has to stand up and be counted.

They will have those really big pickles,
won't they?

You're right. I'm with you.

Besides, Frasier's our pal.

If he's man enough to do this,
then we should be.

Come on.

The bris is off.
I've kidnapped my son.

You kidnapped him?
What about the bris?

Sam, I just couldn't
go through with it.

I mean, I tried to,
tradition and Lilith and all that,

but my God,
I'm the boy's father.

And that guy was about to give my son
one hell of a boo-boo.

I assure you, Frederick,

this won't happen every time we have
people over to the house.

What, uh...

So what did the little woman
have to say about all this?

Oh, my God, Lilith.

I never looked back after I elbowed her
into the chopped liver.

Frasier, as a married man,
I think I can give you some advice.

You go back. You talk to her.
You iron this out.

What's the worst
that could happen?

She can't kill you.

You were dead the
moment you said "I do."

You're right, I should go back.

I'd be so embarrassed.

I mean, how can you go back
to a roomful of people

that think you're a total idiot?

I mean, how do you do it, Cliff?

Well, I don't really like to divulge...

Hey!

Come here.
Listen, I know what you'd tell me

in a situation like this.

First you'd say a lot of gobbledygook
no one could understand,

but then you'd get me to go back there

and face the music and the truth.

You're right, Sam, confronting one's fears
is one of the five ways

to resolve an inner conflict,
with the other four being--

God, aren't I a pompous ass?

No, you're not pompous.

Listen, I'll tell you what...

We're all gonna go back
there with you.

- All right.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- You're going with me?

- You bet.
- Oh, great. You're right, guys,

I was kind of in a panic there
for a few minutes,

but I'm ready to atone now

and start behaving like a rational
and good parent.

Oops.

I guess we're gonna
need you.

Carla, how's your petition coming?

Well, it was a little slow at first,

but since I started forging people's
signatures,

it's gone a lot faster.

That's nice.
You know, I never did sign that.

Oh, yeah, you did.

Really?

Yeah, I worked you in right here
between Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson.

Ooh, forge me again.

How's it going, Larry?

Have you ever been roasted

by seven people you don't know?

All those funny, insulting toasts.

I came out to prepare my
hilarious rebuttal.

So far, all I can
think of is,

"Shut up. You're hurting my feelings."

I got a Grange reunion coming up.

Can I steal that?

Maybe I ought to
just moon them all

and be done with it.

No, I'd better not.

Twenty five years of sitting
behind a desk for that company,

I have a pretty sorry excuse for a butt.

Well, if you need anything else, just holler.

What a loser.

He's not kidding about that butt, either.

I feel sorry for that guy.

It's probably one of the last parties
he'll ever have.

He doesn't look like
he's having a very good time.

Maybe we should liven it up.

I'm great at parties.

Back in Hanover,

I invented the game "Hide Bob's Pants."

Boy, everyone loved that game.

Well, except for Bob.

Hello, everyone.

Hi, Frasier. You through with the bris?

Yes, yes, yes.

My son is happy, healthy,
and nowhere in the vicinity of this bar.

Ouch!

Say, just out of curiosity,

does anybody in the bar happen to be lactating
and in need of some quick cash?

If so, just meet me in the office.

Ouch! Damn it, Frederick, give it up.
It's just not going to happen.

You know what?

I think he's got the baby under that coat.

How did you know that, Woody?

It's the same basic premise as "Hide Bob's Pants."

Oh, my God. It's Mr. Sheridan.

What is he doing here?

Who's he, another deadhead?

No. He's executive vice president

In charge of East Coast
marketing, research, and sales.

He's the what?

He's the head deadhead.

Mr. Sheridan, what a surprise.

Miss Howe,
you're looking very well.

Thank you. And to what do I owe this honor?

Well, I'm here for Larry's party.

You know Larry?

Oh, yes, he's a dear old friend
and my wife's younger brother.

Is your wife coming?

No. I'm afraid
she's passed away.

Oh, then you're stag?

I didn't expect to see you
at this party, sir.

I remember what wonderful
shindigs you throw.

As a matter of fact, I recommended you
for Larry's farewell.

I can't wait to see what fun
and excitement you've planned.

You know, actually the real surprises
haven't come yet.

Oh, good, then I haven't missed anything.

That's safe to say.

Now, those pants I could hide.

Now I have to plan something
exciting for these people!

Frasier?

Frasier?

Where's my husband?
Where's my baby?

Where's my beer?

They're in the office.

Dr. Levinson, friends,
please, just have a seat.

I'll just be a minute
while I reason with him.

Wife to husband. Scientist to scientist.

Frasier, have you gone
completely meshugana?!

Sam, this is terrible.

What?

Mr. Sheridan, the vice president, is here,
and he expects a terrific party.

Now, I've got to think of something,
think of something fantastic.

What do you think?

It's your party. You think of something.

Yeah, right. What do you want me to do,

go back there, strip naked,
and gyrate to "Funky Cold Medina"?

We could help you rehearse.

I got to think of something classy.

I'll tell you what the Sox did
at our reunion we had once.

- Didn't hurt a bit.
- What was that?

Wet t-shirt contest.

Excuse me?

It wasn't a contest, it was fixed,
but it was still a hell of a lot of fun.

You don't just rustle up
a wet t-shirt contest

at the drop of a hat.

Sure you do. It's just like
ordering a pizza.

As a matter of fact, I think I have the
800 number here.

Here you go.

"Fulfilling your wet t-shirt needs
since 1988."

No, Sam, I'm not gonna let you call
and arrange a wet t-shirt contest.

It exploits women.

You got a better idea?

I'll call.

What about exploiting women?

When a man does it, it's exploitation.

When a woman does it, it's good business.

Hi! is this "Jiggly Party Queens"?

Frasier, you've been in there quite a while.
How's it going?

It shouldn't be much longer.

It's almost my turn to talk.

So how do you think the party going?

Terrific.

You know, if those kittens with cropped tops
and seltzer bottles

can't liven things up,
then darn it, men just aren't as depraved

as I thought they were.

How's it going?
Are the girls cheering him up?

Well, no. Actually,
the girls are depressed now, too.

Boy, I'll tell you,
nothing brings down a party faster

than a wet girl telling sad stories.

Great. My career is over.

I wanted to put my around
her and comfort her, but...

she told me it would cost me $10.

It made me ashamed to be a man.

Anybody here got change for a 50?

All right, let's get this bris show
on the road. Chop, chop.

Sorry. Wrong choice of words.

Rebecca, would you object
if we used your poolroom?

Why not?

The party's dead. My career is dead.

I'm thinking of letting Woody hide my pants.

Thank you.

You can, uh, you can actually
do a bris in a bar?

Oh, yes. I've performed the ceremony
in many places.

Granted, a bar's a little irregular,
but I must say, it's a lot cheerier

than the Bernsteins' rec room.

May I ask what changed your mind?

Well, Frasier and I had a long talk

and we both agreed that Frederick
would have the same experience

even if the circumcision took place
in the hospital,

the only difference being we wouldn't have
to go through the trauma of seeing it.

Now we realize that's selfish.

It'll be easier on Frederick
if we're here to comfort and support him.

Therefore, we've decided
to go through with the ceremony.

Don't touch my baby!

Got that out of my system.
Now we can proceed.

Great. I did it!

Eddie is gonna be honored after all.

Terrific. The Bruins are retiring his number?

No. The Bruins convinced me that Eddie wasn't
really a good enough player for that honor.

But they offered me season tickets

if I leave them alone,

which was pretty much what
I was after in the first place.

Wait till I tell the kids.

Maybe now they'll respect him.

Miss Howe, may I see you, please?

Yes.

Miss Howe,

that was the strangest get-together
I've ever attended.

I am so sorry, sir.

Ordinarily, I'd be very upset,

but it all seems to have worked out
fairly well.

- It did?
- Yes.

My brother-in-law Larry
is finally going to leave my house.

I'm going to have a hot pink wedding.

Boy, it'll be good not having
that sorry butt around the house anymore.

Norm, I'm glad we went to the ceremony.

Me, too, Cliff ie.
I'm kind of proud of myself.

I figure if I could eat through that,
I could eat through anything.

It's okay, baby.

Everything will be fine.

It's okay, baby.

Everything will be fine.

Say, you know, what do you say
next time we have a girl?