All language subtitles for Cheers.S07E22.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Good evening, Mr. Clavin.
How lovely to see you again.

It's a trick, isn't it?
You're going to hurt me.

Yeah, what's the story here, Carla?

You've been acting
very strange all evening.

Why? What did I do?

Well, for example,
you've poured me three beers

without once flicking
the foam on my nose.

You haven't even spit on anybody.

What is it, honey?
Trouble at home?

All right. I'm going
to tell you guys.

I went to see Madame Lazora
this morning.

- Your fortune teller?
- Palmist.

Anyway, she told me

that my courtesy to others tonight
could result in substantial wealth.

And, I'm telling you,
tonight I'm taking no chances.

What, you're not even
going to insult anybody?

Well, not unless
I can do it so subtly

that he doesn't know
he's been insulted.

No, tonight the bigger
jackass the guy is,

the more courteous
I am going to be.

I'll start with Numero uno.

Now, I do hope you'll allow me

the incredible privilege
of serving you a beer, Mr. Clavin.

You're in early tonight, Frasier.

Yes. I'm meeting
a former colleague,

Dr. Lawrence Crandell,
for a pre-dinner drink.

He's in town on a book tour.

Oh, yeah? He's a writer, huh?

I should say so.
He's written a raging bestseller.

You know, if I weren't
so thoroughly happy in my own life,

I might even stoop
to being just a bit envious

of a former colleague
who's now so wildly successful.

Well, that is if you measure success

by dollars and cents
and popularity, personal fame.

I'm happy for him.

- What's the book about?
- Who gives a damn?

Sorry. It's a marriage manual.

It's entitled

The Forever Couple: The Joy of Loving
One Person For the Rest of Your Life.

Ah, science fiction.
Those usually sell great.

But, you know,
success does have its price tag.

He's been away from his wife Valerie
for the better part of a year.

Jeez, I think I'd go crazy

if I was away
from Lilith for that long.

I don't even like to think about it.

I'll bet.

Well, I do think about it.

- I don't enjoy it.
- Sure not.

Well, I do enjoy it.

I'm not proud of the fact.

Frasier.

Larry, good to see you again.

Good to see you.

Have I told you how thrilled I am
about the success of your book?

- Yes, you have.
- It's a fabulous book.

You know, I was just thinking
what a wonderful gift it would make.

Have you read it?

Well, no. I was hoping
someone might give it to me.

Let me get you a drink.

Well, thanks.
Black & White, neat.

Ah, Lawrence,
this is Rebecca Howe,

this is Lawrence Crandell.

- How do you do?
- Pleased to meet you.

And this is Sam Malone.

Oh, not the Sam Malone.

You're a hell of a pitcher.
I saw you strike out Reggie Jackson.

Made him look like a fool.

Hardly blame him
for knocking you off the mound

the next time up
with that line drive.

So, Frasier told me

that you've been baching it
a long time.

Must be pretty rough, huh?

Say, why didn't you
just bring Valerie with you?

Well, you know,
she hates to travel.

Besides, we decided this was
a perfect opportunity

to test my theories
about marital fidelity.

And I'm glad to say
after ten months of celibacy,

I can now pronounce
my principles sound.

After ten months of celibacy,
I couldn't even pronounce my name.

I make it a point to tell my wife
at least once a day,

"You're my world,
you're my life. I love you."

I bet my wife would love
to hear those words.

Could you give her a call?

So, the book's
doing pretty good, huh?

Yes, it has been received rather well.

In fact, this last review is
so embarrassingly good,

I should just wad it up
and throw it away,

but I need several
hundred copies first.

Is there a photocopying machine
around here?

Yeah, Rebecca's
got one in her office.

- You don't mind, do you?
- No, help yourself.

That's very kind of you.
Any special instructions?

Yes. Just push the blue button.
It's right under the sign that says,

"This machine is
for photocopying documents,

not your butt."

- All set?
- Thanks again.

You're welcome.

Miss Howe, may I ask you something?

Sure.

I hope you won't take this
the wrong way,

but my field is
human sexual dynamics,

and just now I had
the strangest impression,

please tell me if I'm wrong,

that something happened
when you and I were introduced.

I sensed some spark, some flicker
of response on your part.

Very subtle, but unmistakable.

Was I imagining that?

I think so.

Well, my mistake.

- I'm sure you understand.
- Of course.

You are aware
I wasn't being judgmental.

Of course.

It's the response itself
that interested me,

purely as a scientist.

And you are quite sure
that on some very basic level

you didn't experience
an undeniable attraction?

Positive.

Well, I'm glad
we cleared that up.

Still, I can't keep wondering...

...whether your subconscious

may not be trying
to tell us something.

I swear to you...

When I hear such facile denial,

it always sets off
a little alarm in my head.

Dr. Crandell...

Call me Lawrence.

Let me make this
as clear as I know how.

There was no attraction
when we met or since.

I felt nothing.

I feel nothing.

Zero. Nada. Zip.

Zip.

Interesting unconscious
choice of words.

Try this word...

out!

All right. Sorry.

Man!

I give up!

You make me crazy with desire
and I can't keep my hands off you!

What do you want?

Sign these invoices,
and then, be gentle.

Why don't you sit over there, Walter?

Do you suppose I might trouble you
for two brandies, Miss Howe?

Ask the bartender.

Of course we can help you.

Woody, pour Dr. Crandell
a couple of our house brand.

Two house brands on the house.

That's very kind of you, Sam.

One seldom gets to sample
a good Nigerian cognac.

Weren't you kind of rude
to Dr. Crandell?

Was I? Sorry.

Well, what did he ever do to you?

I don't know. Nothing. Never mind.

Your hostility was unmistakable.

All right.

The man came on to me in my office.

Dr. Crandell came on to you?

What did he do?
Did he touch you?

No, he did not touch me.

Make an indecent proposal?

- Of course not.
- Comment on your looks?

Ask you for a date?
Whistle? Flash? What?

He asked about my feelings.

The man should be horsewhipped.

Of course he asked
about your feelings.

It's his field.
The man is an analyst.

He's written volumes
on human sexual attraction.

So, then what happened?

I'll tell you what happened,
Mr. Smarty-Pantses.

He thanked me politely and he left.

Oh, that doesn't seem
so terrible, does it?

Rebecca, I assure you,

you must have misunderstood
his intentions.

He's in love with his wife.

They're the most
happily-married couple I know.

Gee, I guess I could
have been wrong.

What if he was just
being psychological or something?

- I should apologize to him, huh?
- I guess you should.

We'll be in touch.

Dr. Crandell, may I speak
with you a moment?

What for?

Oh, I want to apologize to you

for having that conversation
and me getting a little bit upset.

I hope you don't think me rude.

Oh, of course not.

You answered my questions honestly

in the spirit in which
they were asked,

so that's an end to that.

Oh, thank you.

That's all right.
You meet someone.

You find him unattractive,
even repulsive, it happens.

- Well, I don't think you're repulsive.
- No, please.

Don't think you have to worry
about my feelings.

I think you're an attractive man.

Really? That's very flattering.

As a matter of fact,
I'm really quite awkward

and uncomfortable around women.

As a matter of fact, the very idea
of my propositioning you

or having an opening line,
doing something so blatant as...

Rubbing your foot along my leg?

Exactly.

You're doing that right now.

Oh, goodness. Was that you?

I'm sorry. I thought
it was a table leg,

a supple, quivering table leg
that goes on forever.

Just a natural mistake.

You're still doing it.

You have a hole in your sock.

Like it?

Dr. Crandell, I want you
to keep your foot where it belongs!

Cheers.

Dr. Crandell. Telephone.
It's Mrs. Dr. Crandell.

Thank you.

I left the number here.

Hello, honey.

My darling, my reason for living.

Oh, that slimeball hypocrite.

What?

That tears it.

You...

- What was that about?
- He toed my calf.

- He what?
- Excuse me?

He was rubbing
his foot on my leg.

Perhaps he was
just trying to cross his legs.

He accidentally bumped into you.

What do you think I am? A nitwit?

I am telling you
that your distinguished,

happily-married friend
was coming on to me.

- Oh, please.
- He was!

Do you realize that you're impugning
the reputation of the man

that literally wrote the book
on fidelity in marriage?

You've insulted him, and,
frankly, you've insulted me.

You know, I see
what's going on here.

You know, you just projected
your frustrations

onto somebody else
because it's been too long

since you had your tires rotated.

And I am telling you
that he is a lying,

hypocritical sleaze
who needs to be neutered.

Excuse me, Frasier.

I think I better be moving along.

Somehow I've antagonized Miss Howe.

Rather than provoke
any further embarrassment,

I think it's best to simply remove
my offending personality.

Oh, Larry, must you?

No, Dr. Crandell, please...

See, you got to understand
something about Rebecca here.

She's had a very difficult
past few... life.

I've sensed
some emotional problems there.

Oh, it's a pity.

The nerve of that man saying
I have an emotional problem.

I'd like to meet him
in a dark alley with a cleaver!

- Thank you, sir.
- No "sirs."

While we're together,
you're not a chambermaid

and I'm not a guest in a hotel.

We're just two vibrant human beings

ready to snatch
a moment's pleasure.

I like the way you talk.

Boy, I've never been
in one of these rooms

without my vacuum cleaner running.

It's so...

...quiet.

It is peaceful, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. But you know
what's really amazing about this?

I didn't even realize myself
that I was attracted to you

until you told me you sensed it.

Well, human behavior's
pretty much an open book to me.

There's nothing I haven't seen
or read or been told about

or seen pictures of...

or short films...

Well, bottoms up.

Oh, yes. Oh, God, yes.

Oh, no. If they find
me in here, I'll get fired.

Oh, nonsense.
I'll get rid of them.

Hi. It's Miss Howe.
May I come in?

Ordinarily, I'd say yes,

but, you see, I'm expecting
a colleague any minute,

so, you see,
it's really not convenient.

I was just thinking
about something you said,

and I wanted to clarify that.

Terrific. We'll have lunch
tomorrow and clarify away.

That's a great idea,

but you know,
I have been through

so much stress
and so much anxiety over this,

that I have a terrible,
splitting headache.

- Do you have any aspirin?
- Aspirin?

Yes. if you give me an aspirin,

I think it will get rid
of my headache,

and then I can
leave you in peace.

Right. Aspirin.
I'll try to find you some.

Get in there.

Stupidest thing I've ever done.

You do nine stupid things
before breakfast.

Now, get in that closet.

No, wait. When he admits
that he came on to me,

I want you to leap out
and catch him in the act,

and then we'll prove
once and for all

that he is a lech
and I am not cuckoo.

Yeah, one thing
at a time, Rebecca.

Two aspirin coming up!

Two tablets... buffered.

I hope they go down well.

Bye-bye.

Dr. Crandell.

It's not really why I'm here.

- It's not.
- No.

Now, I know
you came on to me,

and you know
you came on to me,

but I'm not leaving here

until you admit it.

All right, I admit it.

I came on to you.
Good night.

I didn't quite hear that.

Oh, for God's sake.
Good night.

Please, if you could just say it
a little bit louder and a little clearer

so that I know
there's no mistaking it.

All right, if that
will make you happy.

I came on to you!
I came on to you!

You know,
I'm beginning to regret it.

Good night, Miss Howe.

You... Sam!

Would you get
the hell out of there?

Sam?

Whoa, boy.

These luxury hotels
have great closets.

Did you hear what he just said?

No. I'm sorry.

I sort of had
something in my ear.

You had a woman in here.

As long as we got
that established,

if you need me again,
I'll be back by the shoe rack.

Sam!

Remember our mission?

Now, listen to me.

This proves that I am not crazy.

This proves that he is just a lech.

I can explain. Miss Johnson is
my executive secretary.

We have a great deal
of dictation to get out.

Now, if you'll excuse us...

You sent for a violinist.

A violinist to do your dictation?

Come on.

Now at least for God's sake
have the decency to come clean

and tell Sam the truth.

All right. I admit it is true.

I've been a very lonely man.

I thought this trip would put
my convictions to the test,

but I'm afraid I came up lacking.

I'm sorry if I caused you
any pain, Miss Howe.

Well, at least
you finally admitted it.

Yes. I'm glad the truth is out.

At last. No more lying.

No more deceit.

Lawrence, guess who?

It's my wife. Hide.

I'm not going in a closet.

Oh, come on. You'll enjoy it.
I'll show you around.

Please. Please, you must.

My career is at stake.
So is my marriage.

I've been faithful
to this woman for 15 years,

mostly because she's
the scariest bitch

you'd ever want to meet.

Lawrence, are you all right?

I am doing this
for your wife, buster.

Rebecca, I want you to meet Maria.

Maria, Rebecca.

- What's your name?
- Zoltan.

Lawrence?

Yes. Coming.

Oh, Valerie, darling.

What an enormous surprise.

What took you so long
to answer the door?

Well, it's this plush carpet.
I caught my little toe.

What brings you here?

Well, when I spoke
to you on the phone

and I heard the hunger
in that voice,

I couldn't bear to be separated
from you one more minute.

- Champagne, Lawrence?
- Oh, yes.

They bring it up every night.
It's a fabulous hotel.

- Let's go get something to eat.
- You're not dressed.

Well, we'll go someplace casual.

Well, at least put on a coat.
It's cool out.

I'll buy one on the way. Shall we?

Lawrence, put on a coat.

Right. Anything you say, dear.

I'll just...

Go to the closet all by myself

Get my coat all by myself

I've never seen you in that coat.

Well, I just bought it.
If you don't like it, back it goes.

No, Lawrence. Put it on.

Put it on now.

Oh, that tailor.

Well, I'm stopping
the payment on that check.

Oh, I'm famished. Let's go.

Whoever is in that closet,
come out this instant.

All right. I want an explanation,
and I want it right this minute.

Otherwise, I am going
to divorce him.

I am going to take his money,

and I am going to take
his reputation and his career,

and after that, I am going
to do the same

for each and every one of you,
and believe me, I can do it.

So who is going to come forth
with an explanation?

We...

We're all here
to change the light bulb.

God!

Mrs. Crandell, I'm going
to tell you the truth

because I feel that this
has gone on too long.

And as usual, I have to be
the voice of reason.

Forgive me for saying this,

but if I were in your shoes,
I would want to know.

Your husband came on to me
in a local bar.

You mean he propositioned you?

Well, he didn't exactly
proposition me.

Well, what exactly did he do?

He asked me about my feelings.

That is his field, you know.

That isn't all he did.

He rubbed my leg
with his disgusting foot.

She never gets tired
of telling this.

Yes. Yes, I admit it.

I accidentally brushed up
against her leg with my foot.

I apologized profusely.

He did not have his shoe on.

It was hot in there.

Would you believe the humiliation?

A hole in my $50 hosiery.

Why, you filthy...

Okay, fine. Fine.

There is a chambermaid
in the room. Explain it.

A chambermaid in a hotel.
Will wonders never cease?

You know, actually,
we're going to be running along.

No, we're not going
to be running along.

All right.

How about the fiddler, huh?

I was lonely.

I was going to have him
play our song all night.

All right.

So have your loving husband
explain why the four of us

were in that closet.

You were there.

You mean don't you know?

Yes, I know.

Because you are
the scariest bitch

we would ever want to meet.

And you are a little tramp.

Tramp?

I ought to punch you one.

I ought to kill your husband!

I'm going to kill him!
I'm going to kill you!

He's stupid, and he's a fraud!

He's a psycho!

I'm going to hunt you down
and kill you like a dog.

And why don't you get yourself
some new socks, buster?

I can explain everything here.

She just wanted to convince me
that she's not crazy.