All language subtitles for Cheers.S07E18.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Woody, have you finished counting?

Sure have, Miss Howe.

Oh, come on, Rebecca.

What? A guess-how-many-beans-
in-the-jars bit?

That's corny.

For your information, corny is in.

America wants to return
to the innocence

of their teenage years.

Yeah. The '70s were great,
weren't they?

Anyway, this contest will run
all month

and all of Boston will be
playing the game for a fabulous,

all-expense paid trip to where?

Atlantic City!

For just guessing how many
jelly beans are in this jar.

Three thousand, five hundred.

Woody, is that the correct number?

Nope. Off by 163.

Woody!

You are not supposed
to tell them that.

Now we have to
do this all over again.

Do you have any extra
jelly beans back there?

Sure, there's a whole bag at
the end of the bar.

I hate when the black ones
get stuck in your teeth.

Hey, guys, guys.
Watch this.

Hi, gorgeous.

You want to go out with me?

I've got a little cold.

Oh. Next week?

- I'm busy.
- The week after?

Maybe.

You saw it.

You were there.

Sam Malone
just scored a "maybe."

Yow!

Well, well.
This calls for a celebration

Waters all around.

Why? What?

Oh, this is truly sad.

A guy who would never settle for
less than eight dates a week

is doing backflips
over a lousy "maybe."

Hey, come on. That's progress
for me and Rebecca.

Face facts,
you had it once, but you lost it.

You're nothing but Clavin
in a good shirt.

Yeah, I guess we're going to have to
go shopping for a new hero.

Oh, guys, guys,
I can't believe my ears.

Well, Sam, your ears
are the least of your problems.

You think I'm losing it?
Do you need proof?

No, no.
Not necessary.

No, no, listen,
I want to prove to you guys

that I'm still your king.

Everybody, please.

Focus your attention
on the door there.

The Amazing Sammy
will now make love

to the very next woman
who enters his bar.

Be right back!

- Hey. Employees are ineligible.
- I quit!

We're closed!

Too late. Too late.

My lovely volunteer.

Sammy, you're amazing.

Now, I want to assure you
that we've never met before.

If you watch very closely,
you will notice that in no time

does my hand actually
leave her body.

You know, she's exactly like a girl
I took out last night.

You mean "tore out."

Excuse me.
Boy, is it hot in here,

or is it just you?

I'm sorry, did you just say
is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Yep. if you like it,
there's more where that came from.

Are you for real?

I've been asked that
question many times,

and by women
a lot more naked than you.

You know,

I've heard about men like you

but I can't actually say
I've ever met one.

I'm on a roll here.

My name's Sam Malone.

My name is being withheld
for security reasons.

Well, that's very clever.

Maybe too clever.
What's it mean?

It means I'd like to order
a Manhattan.

I'd like you to put
a cherry in it,

and then I'd like you to
put a sock in it.

Your drink.

Hey!

Greetings, all!

- Ah, Doctor.
- Doctor.

- Doctor.
- Doctor.

Woody, may I have a beer, please,
and a mineral water

for the little mother?

You know, Lilith and I heard
a little joke the other day.

Seems a patient walks into
his therapist's office

Suffering from a case of
Korsakoff psychosis

brought on by acute alcoholism.

Brain tumor.

Well, darling,
it doesn't make any difference.

Yes, it does.
Brain tumor is funnier.

You're right.

No wonder
I didn't get anywhere.

She's a friend of Lilith
and Frasier's.

Just another one of those boring,
cold-hearted intellectuals

with legs I could kill for.

Why, Sam?
I like your legs.

If you comb your hair
a little different

nobody will even notice
that ear problem.

And then the therapist said,
"No, I said ten cc's,

not Tennessee!"

Or was it Kentucky?

It was Tennessee.

Oh, it's good.

I'll have to remember
that one.

Hello, Lilith.
Hello, Frasier.

- Hello, Sam.
- I'd love to stay and talk,

but I'm under a gag order.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize
you were a friend of the Cranes.

I'm Sheila Rydell.

Oh, how do you do?

Dr. Rydell is a clinical psychiatrist

and also a fellow at
the Boston University.

Well, thank God
she's a woman here at Cheers.

Doctors, excuse me a moment.

I need to call a patient.

Oh yes, there's a phone
right down the hall.

This will probably take
a few minutes.

- I'll meet you upstairs shortly.
- Fine.

Oh, Doctor.
I have a free phone right here.

I'm looking for
a little more privacy.

I have a phone in
my bedroom.

Thank you. No.

Honey bear, shall we?

- Oh, by the way, Sam.
- Yeah.

Re: Dr. Rydell,
I must say I concur completely.

You know, most women who
go into psychiatry

are real bowsers,

but I wouldn't kick her
off the couch

for eating crackers, you know.

Frasier, I can hear you

and so can your unborn child.

Will he be able to escape
from this one?

Let's watch.

What I meant to say was please,
please, please forgive me,

and do you think we have time
to stop by Tiffany's

on the way home?

Good boy.

Boy, okay,
I want that woman.

Sam, she's carrying Dr. Crane's baby.

No, not that woman.
The woman over by the phone.

Oh, well, who doesn't?
Hubba, hubba.

Sam, Mr. Cool,

I hate to burst
your bubble again,

but didn't she just
shoot you down?

Hey, maybe you should just stay
away from brunettes...

- Except me, of course.
- Yeah.

No, no.
Don't you see here,

the good doctor and I are sparring.

It's sexy. It's fun,

just like one of those old
Spencer Tracy, Audrey Hepburn movies.

Sammy,
just step into my office, please.

A word in your ear.

You know, if I were you,
I'd approach good Dr. Legs there

on a professional level.

I would make an appointment
with her and pretend

there was something
wrong with me.

Cliff ie...that's a pretty good idea.

Yeah. Who gave it to you?

It's mine.
It came right from this brain.

Hey, everybody.
Clavin got a new brain.

So what do you think?

What kind of problem
should I make up?

Well, how about this?

I once took one of my kids
to the school psychiatrist

and he said the kid
had kleptomania.

Anything come of it?

Got a couple of pens and a
leather appointment book.

Yeah, or you could try using
my problem.

I've always had this terrible
fear of being a failure.

You are a failure.

Well, then I've licked it.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I got a suggestion.

This is sure-fire.

It's going to get you
where you really want her.

Impotence.

No, no, no.

No. That's a word us guys
don't like to say.

Wait a minute.
Take it from me.

We women are pushovers
for this kind of stuff.

There are two things
that women like to do

more than anything else
in the world.

And one of them is to cure
a guy's impotence.

What's the other thing?

Give it to him again
if he gets outta line.

No, I'll tell you.

I don't care how hot
that lady is.

I just couldn't say
something like that to her.

Okay, so I tell her
that I'm impotent.

Mr. Malone.

Oh. It is the same Sam Malone.

I hope this is a
professional visit.

I'm sad to say yes.

Doctor...

I need to unburden
myself here.

And I figured that you were
the one person maybe I could talk to.

Of course.
Sit down.

Now, take your time.

Tell me what's troubling you.

Well, Doctor, as you know,
I'm a young, healthy male.

But recently, I...

Oh, heck, I'm not gonna
mince words with you here.

Lately, I haven't been able to
get the old Evan root cranking.

Excuse me.

Well, it's like...
it's like my favorite shirt

is a little light in the starch.

Are you trying to say
that you're impotent?

No, don't use that word.

Oh, I see.

Yes, well,

arousal dysfunction
is a fairly common problem,

but it can be...

Very, very, very distressing.

Oh, it is.
It is.

How does this problem
usually manifest itself?

Well, it's too painful
to talk about.

I could demonstrate it.

No, thank you.

No, you're probably right.

With my luck, it would work.

Like when you take your car
to the mechanic?

Of course,
this isn't my field of expertise, but...

You're in luck.

My associate, Dr. Heinrich Mueller,

is conducting a group session
at this very moment.

I'm sure he'd agree to
let you join in.

Actually, I was kind of hoping
that you could handle it.

Oh, don't feel uneasy
about Dr. Mueller.

Those charges linking him
to the Gestapo

were grossly exaggerated.

- Excuse me?
- He was merely a consultant.

Actually, his technique
is somewhat controversial.

You'll have to go in
there and proclaim

your sexual disorder
to the group.

You want me to say that
in front of other people?

Oh, there are only
half a dozen men in there

just like yourself.

And, of course, the 20 or 30
observing nurses.

Just go in there, stand up
and say,

"I'm Sam Malone,

and I no longer
function as a man."

No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Listen, there's been
a misunderstanding here.

I didn't say 'impotent,"
I said "impudent."

Yeah, I'm a smart ass.

See...

There's nothing wrong with me.
No, ma'am.

Then the cure worked.
That'll be $150.

Pay the receptionist
on your way out.

Oh, you've been
putting me on.

And that was very
unfair of me

considering how honest
you were being.

Alright, I admit that I was
making up that stuff just because...

Well, you're... a beautiful woman,

and I just want to see
a little more of you, that's all.

I see.

Well, actually,

that's kind of flattering.

Not very many men
would come in here

and humiliate themselves

and tell some childish, idiotic lie

just to spend five minutes with me.

I'm a romantic.

So, what do you say?
You want to go out to dinner?

I suppose I could use a bit
more romance in my life.

All right. Great.

I'll call you.
Next week sometime.

- How about tomorrow night?
- Great!

That's good.
That's good. All right.

Yeah, thanks very much.

Excuse me, you didn't have that
tape recorder on, did you,

when I was making up that
stuff about im--

Don't worry, Sam.

The moment you walked in here

I was aware you were faking
the whole thing

and I turned the recorder off.

Oh, well,
thank goodness.

And I turned the intercom on.

Okay, boys. Closing time,
let's move on out.

Probably want to go home,
get some rest so you can be back

for your 9 a.m. shift.

This is one of those days
I hate to see end,

you know what I mean?

Hey, I got
some new videos.

You guys want to come
over to my place?

New videos. Great.

Yeah, I had our home movies
converted to tape.

There's a great one of me
all dressed up as Peter Pan,

Ma's Captain Hook.
She's tying me up.

For Halloween, huh?

No, no, it's a little game
we used to play

to help me sleep.

You know how crazy
teenagers are.

Well, Sheila, why don't you
hop up to the bar there.

I'll fix us
a little nightcap.

Sammy, mind if I take off early?

I want to put the little ones
to bed myself tonight.

Put them to bed?
Hey, it's 2 a.m.

Oh, right.

They're probably
not home yet.

Oh, well.
I'll get some sleep.

Hey, listen. Don't forget
to put up the bars tools.

Don't worry about it.
We'll do it later.

I hope so, but take care
of the stools, too.

Sam, I had a really lovely time
with you tonight.

You sound a little surprised.

Well, I am a little.

I guess a lot of the men
I go out with

Tend to be
a little stuffy.

But you're so relaxed
and easy to be with.

And I must admit,
I've never seen a man

do a puppet show
with lobster claws before.

- Well, you were a lovely audience.
- Thank you.

Thank you for not
coming on like a psychiatrist.

What does that mean?

I know you guys always have
your meters going

and I was afraid you were
sitting there thinking

all sorts of weird,
head-shrinking things.

Well, as a professional, you learn
to keep those things to yourself.

So, you...

You were thinking...
those things?

Sam, I really prefer
to divorce business from pleasure.

Absolutely.
No, you're right.

Were they bad things?

Sam, I really think
it's a mistake

to pursue this matter
any further.

Oh great.
I bet you wouldn't say that

if you were thinking
good things.

I mean, you'd probably come
right out and say it

if you were sitting
there thinking,

"Whoa, you know, this guy
is really together

and I'm lucky to be with him.
Boy, the hair!"

So come on.
Tell me.

Really, Sam, no.

Hey, come on, I can take it.
It'll be fun.

Sam, would you just please
drop the subject.

Okay.

Boy, you brain benders
are all the same, aren't you?

I mean, you want two years
of a guy's life

and every penny earned

before you give him
one little simple diagnosis.

You know, I think
you're full of blabber.

I don't think you know
anything about me.

I think I do.

Yeah, then why don't
you tell me?

All right, Sam,
if you insist.

I do.

My professional opinion
of you is

that your every thought,
word, and deed

revolves around sex.

You have nothing else
in your life.

Without constant sex,

you'd probably just shrivel up
into a little dried anchovy and die.

Well, who wouldn't?

You mean that's it?
No bad stuff?

Sam, there's nothing
but bad stuff.

You're an aging Lothario

who uses sex to cover up
massive insecurity,

a fear of true intimacy,
fear of a relationship,

and quite frankly,
not only a fear of dying,

but a fear of living, too.

You're one sick cowpoke.

I resent that.

You know, you were shoveling
down that lobster tonight

like there's no tomorrow.

You know, you even ate
the green stuff.

And this is the
thanks I get?

Sam, you forced me to tell you.
What did you want me to do, lie?

Of course. Yes.

Oh, Sam, come on.

Why don't we just forget
the whole thing

and go back to my place.

What?

You still want to
go to bed

even though sex is supposedly
the only thing I have in my life?

Exactly.

And so I assume
you're rather good at it.

You would actually have sex

with somebody you don't even respect?

Isn't that what you do
with women?

Yeah, but I cover it up.

How long have you
lived in America, lady?

Oh, Sam, come on.

No. Listen, I think you ought
to take a hike.

I'll tell you what.

Send me a bill for another
hundred and a half.

I'll deduct the lobster.

Well, I'm sorry
if this was painful,

but maybe it was good
for you to have heard it.

By the way, if you change your mind
about the sex,

I can be beeped anytime.

That's so pathetic!

Oh!

Are you locking up?

Hey, let me ask you something.

Do you think that my life is empty

and void of any meaning?

Yep. Don't forget to lock up.

Oh!

Tough night on the dating circuit, Sam?

Do you believe my--
my date told me

that there was nothing in my life
except...

...women or sex.

By the way,
you look hot tonight.

Come on, Sam.
You have a lot going for you.

Yeah?
Like what?

There's...

I could go on and on.
See you later, Sam.

Wait a minute. Come on,
answer the question.

What do I have in my life
that isn't women or sex?

Come on, Sam.
You're a passionate guy.

I bet you have a lot of things
that you care deeply about.

Yeah? like what?

Your job.

It's a great way
to meet babes.

You love your car.

Babes love it.

Sailing.

Babes on waves.

See?

I mean, the doctor
was right.

I'm a shallow guy.

I mean, everything I do
is to impress women

or revolves around sex.

I guess I'm nothing more

than a hot, manly
machine of love.

Sam, wait!
What about the Stooges?

They're all right.
They're over at Cliff's.

No, no, Sam.
What about the Three Stooges?

Oh yeah, great.
I like the Three Stooges.

That helps a lot.

Wait a minute, Sam.
Think about this.

Do women like
the Three Stooges?

No, they hate them.

All right.

Are women impressed
that you like the Three Stooges?

No. Some of them even think
they're stupid.

When you're watching
the Three Stooges,

do you think they're sexy?

No, when you watch
the Three Stooges,

nobody has time
to think about sex or women.

Hey, wait a minute.

That means I do have
another interest in my life.

I like the Stooges
for themselves.

Hey, whoa. I'm okay.

That's fine, Sam.

Come here, porcupine.

- Get off!
- Come on. Try it, you'll like it.

Come on, do it.

All right.

There you go.

Come here, porcupine.

Hey, the Stooges don't bleed.