All language subtitles for Cheers.S07E17.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Refill, Mr. P.?

Yeah.

Ooh! Knuckle cracking.
I hate that sound.

You'll hurt your fingers.

Woodrow, knuckle cracking
is relatively harmless.

Actually, when you
crack your knuckles,

what you're doing is really
breaking the sound barrier.

What you hear

is actually a tiny,
finger-sized sonic boom.

Well, Cliff, you're partly right.

Right? Which part?

The phenomenon of knuckle cracking
is relatively harmless,

but, in fact, the sound you're hearing
is not a cracking at all,

but rather a popping
of tiny gas bubbles

imploding in the synovial fluid

of the metacarpal
phalangeal joint.

Makes sense.

Yeah, but,

knuckle cracking doesn't make
a popping sound.

A popping sound
is more like this.

Oh, I could never do that.

You know what else
I could never do?

I could never whistle
with my fingers.

Carla can do that great.

Hey, Carla, show Woody

how you whistle
with two fingers.

Sure. First, you have to
crack your knuckles.

Ooh! Synovial fluid imploding!

I hate that sound.

You'll hurt your metacarpal
phalangeal joints.

Carla, can you help me
with this zipper, please?

Sure, boss.

You know, when you first
walked in in this dress,

you were, like, the closest thing
to Cher I've ever seen.

Really?

Yeah. You looked
just like Sonny Bono.

Carla, I don't have time
to trade insults with you.

Oh, that's okay.
you can still keep mine.

There you go.

Now, be careful
when you unzip.

I think I snagged
about a dozen little back hairs.

Thank you, Carla.

Big date, Rebecca, huh?
Who's the lucky fellow?

Somebody I met at a party.

A rich doctor. Cardiologist.
Leader in his field.

You guys couldn't
wipe his nose.

That shoots my plans
for the evening.

Where's he taking you?

Only the society event
of this season.

Celebrating the anniversary

of the launching of Old Ironsides.

Can you get
Raymond Burr's autograph?

Woody, this is Old Ironsides,
the ship...

The USS Constitution?

I know. I was reading
about it in the paper.

Raymond Burr is gonna be there.

Oh, God,
I'm going to be late.

Have him make it out
to Woody

and make sure he signs it
Perry Mason, Ironsides,

and that guy
who cut up his wife in Rear Window.

Can you help me
with these, please?

- Nice earrings.
- Thank you.

No, I meant Carla's.

They look like
real little bananas,

although yours
are actually pretty nice, too.

- Thank you.
- Are they real?

Yes, they're genuine diamonds.

No. I mean,
are they real little bananas?

Evening, folks.

Thank you, Woody.

Yeah. Carla just taught me that.

You were right, Carla.

All I needed was
a little more slobber on my fingers.

Sammy, you're all decked out, huh?

Yeah. My date is going to pick me up
in a couple minutes.

We're going to go over
to that shindig they're throwing

at the USS Constitution.

Sam, how'd you wrangle a ticket
to that seagoing soiree?

You know...

The event is going
to be televised.

So they want to fill
the audience

with a lot of big local celebrities.

Ah, one of them has to go
to the bathroom,

you rush down
and fill in the seat?

Yeah.

You know, I happen to be going
to that exact same event.

Perhaps when I get up
to go to the powder room,

you can grab my seat.

Heck, turn around.
I'll do it right now.

Come on, Rebecca, fess up.

We know you're just a seat filler.

I am not!

I told you I was going
with a cardiologist.

A very good-looking
cardiologist.

As good-looking
as Sammy here?

Please. He's better looking.

Oh, yeah?

Well, my date is so good-looking

that when the two of us
walk down the street,

people actually look at her.

Oh, yeah?

Well, my date has saved
many, many lives

and has two homes.

Yeah? Well, my date
is a high fashion model,

and she's known on two continents.

Yeah? Which two, Sam?

America and Brazil.

Hello, Cheers.

Oh, hi, Jeff.

Oh, gee, that's disappointing.

No, it's no bother.
I don't mind.

Okay, bye.

Oh, dear.

Sounds like some
heart specialist

decided to stay home
and wash his hair tonight.

He did not.
He has an emergency bypass.

Yeah. He had to bypass you.

I'm telling you the truth.

Boy, it's so pathetic
when you're all dolled up

and no place to go, isn't it?

Oh, Sam, that reminds me.
Jacqueline called.

She can't make it tonight.

You're right, Sam.
That is pathetic,

but I'm sure your date

didn't have any lousy excuse
like heart surgery.

As a matter of fact,
she's very sick.

Sick of you.

Well, you have a good time tonight,
Sam.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Listen.

Here we are, both dolled up,

looking like a million bucks.

What do you say
the two of us

storm the old USS Constitution
together, huh?

I don't think so.

Why, you still depressed
about being stood up?

No. I just don't want
to go with you.

Wait a minute.

You spent all day
getting dressed up,

and you're trying
to tell me

that you'd rather stay
in this bar

than go out with me?

No, Sam.

I'm trying to tell you
that I would rather

remove my own gallbladder
with an oyster fork

than go out with you.

Why do you say
these things to me?

I mean, how come
I turn you off so much?

I don't know.

It's just one of those things
you have to take on faith.

It's kind of like I don't know
that the refrigerator light

goes off for sure
when I close the door.

Obviously, you've never tried
closing it from the inside.

Hey, everybody.

Guess who I brought
back with me.

Sam, how'd you do it?

The doorman at the Ritz-Carlton.

Good Lord.

That's Admiral William J. Crowe, Jr.

Chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff himself.

Now wait a minute.

The Chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff

is a doorman at the Ritz-Carlton?

No wonder they charge you
so much over there.

Woody, this really is the Chairman
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

He was at the same dinner I was.

The Navy can't afford to pay
the salary of a doorman, Woody.

You know that.

Yeah. He recognized me
from my ball-playing days.

Nobody gives up tearing
home runs like Sam Malone.

Thanks.

I wish our missiles
flew as high and as far.

Admiral William J. Crowe, Jr.

Promoted to Admiral in 1974,

In 1983 commanded
US Pacific Command,

1985. Appointed 11th Chairman
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,

Wife, Shirley.

I'm impressed,
young man.

How come you know
so much about me?

Simple, sir.
I'm an American.

Clifford Clavin,
US Postal Service, sir.

Nice to know you,
Mr. Clavin.

Us guys in uniform
got to stick together.

Yes, sir.

You ever in the Navy?

No, sir.

I wanted to be, but the old asthma
started kicking up.

So I joined the US
Postal Service instead.

I figured if I couldn't serve,

I should at least deliver
the draft notices to those who could.

- Admiral? Hi.
- Hi.

I'm Rebecca Howe.

It is truly an honor
to have you in our bar.

It's an honor for me, as well.

Is there anything I can do
for you, anything at all?

Well, for starters, you might go out
with Sam Malone.

I hate to see a man
in constant pain.

Maybe you could ask me
to do something more enjoyable,

like, say, a commando mission
in Libya.

I tried, Sam.

Hey, Ad. Park it.

Oh, hey...

I'm Carla Tortelli LeBec.

Hello, Carla.

I was wondering
if I could ask you a favor.

Sure.

If you're ever on the USS Lexington,

could you find out why
nobody has ever called,

or dropped a note
or sent a card?

That must be
a hell of a ship.

I've had better.

Ah, well, well, well,
what do we have here?

The Chairman of the
Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Hello there, sir.
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.

Hello, Doctor.

This is my number.

I have treated Napoleon,
Teddy Roosevelt,

and I know I could help you.

Doctor, I really am the Chairman
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Aye, aye, Admiral.

But I'll keep your card.

I know a lot of people
at the Pentagon

that could use your services.

Hey, Admiral, thanks.
These are great hats.

Hats don't win wars.
ideas do.

Now, sir, here's what separates
my submarine concept

from everybody else's.

You see, mine has got wheels.

I understand, Cliff.

It's getting late.

Sam, thanks for the autographed
baseball.

Oh, yeah. Listen.

If the President
wants one of those,

he knows
where to get me.

I'm sure you'll be hearing from him.
Norm.

Later.

Sir, these plans I've drawn up

for the new assault vehicle,

where should I send them?

Just send them
to the Pentagon, Cliff.

Yes, sir, but, sir,

I'm a little bit worried about that,
though.

If I send them to the Pentagon,
they might get lost.

Very definitely send them
to the Pentagon.

Yes, sir.

Am I lucky, or what?

One of the most
famous people

in the country
comes into my bar,

and I am dressed for it.

By the way, Rebecca, when
are you going to take that thing off?

I might just dress
this way all the time.

It makes me feel all at once
desirable and businesslike.

You got a point.

About half a dozen guys
asked me how much you charge.

By the way, if anyone
says, "Carla sent me,"

You owe me five bucks.

Carla, I'm just about
to have a break.

You think you can teach me

to make raspberry sounds
with my armpit?

No, no. I got to be wearing
a tank top to get the full effect.

But, you know, I can teach you

how to make blue sparks
in your mouth

with a Lifesaver candy.

- They're gone.
- Who's gone?

My diamond earrings
are gone.

Calm down.
Where'd you put them?

I had them in a tumbler,
and I put it on my desk,

and nobody was in there but me,
and my door was locked the whole time,

and I was the only one
that was in there.

No, no, no. The Admiral
went in there to use the phone.

You're right.

He was in there alone.

Oh, Lord.

The Chairman of the
Joint Chiefs of Staff

of the United States of America

stole my earrings.

Oh, I just don't
believe this.

And he seemed like such a nice
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Rebecca Howe,
this smacks of treason.

I've got a good mind
to place you under arrest.

Cliff, if you had a good mind,
you would still be stupid.

Hey, come on. Why would anyone
who has a super job,

makes a great living,
can shop in any PX in the world

want to steal your earrings?

You saw them.
They were gorgeous.

All right. That's it.

Rebecca Howe,

I would like your
social security number.

Oh, Cliff, shut up.

Maybe he did take them.

Oh, great.
Sedition is everywhere.

No, no. Maybe the guy had
an anniversary coming up,

and he didn't
have time to shop

because he's too damn busy
running the military.

No. That doesn't wash, Norm.

His anniversary was February 14th.

All right, Cliff. All right.
Maybe this, okay?

Maybe he wears them himself.

Yeah, right.
He wears earrings,

and I wear women's lingerie.

Carla, you were right.

I don't care why he did it.

The fact is that
my earrings are gone,

and the admiral took them.

Oh, come on.
This is silly.

Let's just go in your office
here and look for them.

I have looked for them.
I told you, they're not in there.

- I'm calling the police.
- Oh, don't--

Now that we're through
being interrupted,

let's get down to real
serious matters.

Carla, you can't make
blue sparks

come out of your mouth
with a Lifesaver.

Well, not just any Lifesaver.

A magic Wint-o-green
Lifesaver.

Oh, now, Carla, don't prey
on their gullibility.

There's nothing
magical about it.

It's just a simple
chemical reaction.

When you crunch down
on the Lifesaver,

electrons strike
nitrogen molecules,

which causes the latter

to emit invisible
ultraviolet radiation

which, when absorbed
by the metal salicylate

in the Wint-o-green
flavoring,

produces a flash
of blue light.

Makes sense.

I find that when you say that
to Dr. Crane, he stops talking.

See? They're not here.

I told you,
they are not here.

Calm down.
Will you calm down, please?

I'm calm. I'm calm.
I'm calm.

What's the number
for 911?

You are not going to
call the police.

Sam, I have told you
to remove your hand

from many a location,
but I have never been

more serious than now.

Come on. Back off here.

They're earrings.
You'll buy another pair.

Oh, yeah, right.

What are you going to do,
spot me $32,000?

American money?

I didn't exactly
buy those earrings.

I told the man at
Shreve, Crump & Lowe

that I just wanted to
take them out for the evening

to make sure that I
really, really wanted them...

I don't think that dress
is meant to do that.

And then I was going
to just wear them tonight

And look really
beautiful, you know?

Then I was going to take
them back in the morning,

but, God, Shreve is holding
all my credit cards,

the pink slip to my Mercedes,

and my mom and dad's
phone number.

Good chance you could be
sent to your room for five to 15 years.

You know, you're really not helping.

Just get out of here.

God, I would do anything

to get those earrings back.

Oh...

Yes, Sam.

I am exactly that desperate.

I don't care what it takes.

Go to the admiral's
hotel room,

sneak in there,
and steal those earrings.

Just get them back
for me,

and, yes--
Lord help me--

I will go to bed
with you.

I'm going to turn this joint
upside-down...

- Starting with you.
- Sam...

All right. All right.
Ending with you.

I saw it!
Blue sparks in Carla's mouth!

Hey, guys, listen, fellas...

Am I interrupting
anything?

Just science making
another leap forward.

Fellas, listen.
All right. Come here.

Listen. Come here. Listen.
I need your help here now.

I want to get my hands
on Rebecca's jewels,

but first I got to
find her earrings.

All right, Sammy.
We're here for you.

All right. Now...

I guess we could
buy her another pair,

but that'd set us back
about 32 grand.

Not here for you, Sam.
Left an hour ago.

All right. All right.
No. There's got to be--

See, I figure that she probably

just put them down someplace
for safe keeping,

then forgot where she put them.

Got to just find a way
to jog her memory.

- I know what we should do.
- What?

I saw this
in a movie once.

We gather the suspects
all together in one room.

Ooh, right,
and then you recreate the crime

so that you can work backwards,
and find out what happened.

Let's go.

Sammy, since I'm the only one here
in uniform,

I suggest I play Admiral Crowe.

If you're Admiral Crowe,
who's gonna be Mr. Clavin?

Any of yutzes
can handle that.

What are you all doing in here?

Well, Cliff here has agreed
to portray Admiral Crowe

so we can recreate
the alleged crime

so we can figure out
what happened.

And what about
you two guys?

We're witnesses.

Yeah. We're pretty much

just going to hang around
and watch.

That's a stretch.

Okay.

Admiral Crowe came in
and asked to use the phone.

What did he say?

"May I use the phone?"

Excuse me, Rebecca.
That's my line.

Then what?

And I said, "sure,"
and he said, "thank you."

Well, look who thinks
she's Admiral Crowe.

All right.

Now, he came in here.
He was alone.

Was he carrying anything?

I think he was carrying
a glass of water.

I see. And did he put
this glass of water down?

I think so.

Next to, perhaps...

This glass?

I see what you're getting at, Sam.

You think that he picked up
the other glass

with the earrings in it
and took it out.

Yeah. Right! Absolutely!

Guys, we're out of here.

Hey, I didn't get to portray
Admiral Crowe.

Oh. All right.

Rebecca, as a favor
for Cliff,

what was the last words
the admiral said? Anything?

Yes. Before he left, he said,

"I want to get out of this bar

as fast as I can before I run into

that stupid mailman."

He stole them, all right.

Wait! You were supposed to help me
find my earrings.

- Come on.
- Yeah.

Look what I found
in this dirty, old glass.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, you are such an angel!

Oh, how can I ever thank you?

I think the "how" has
already been established.

We're up to 'where"
and "how often."

Well...

A promise is a promise.

Come on. Don't--
I hate that.

I hate it when you do that.

Come on.
What's wrong with you?

Why don't you want me?
What's the problem?

You know, Sam, I just don't know
why I don't want you.

Well, think, damn it!

I think it's just one of those things

that when you first meet a guy,

you put him in one of three categories--

Yes, no, or maybe--

And the second I saw you,

I threw you right
in the "no" category,

and that's where you've
stayed ever since.

I mean, when Sam Malone
walks into a room,

I say, "no,"
and go on with my life.

- Every single time?
- No.

There was this one time

when you were way down
at the end of the hall,

and I could just see
this tiny piece of your elbow,

and I didn't know
for sure if it was you,

and I thought to myself, "hmm..."

And then you came around the corner,
and I thought, "God, no."

"God, no" is a lot worse
than just "no," isn't it?

Sam, wait.

I want to ask
you something,

and I want an answer to this.

Why do you care?
Why do you want me?

I have never given
you any reason.

I've never come on to you.
Why do you keep hitting on me?

Boy, I don't know.

I guess that
when I meet women,

I put them into
one of three categories.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I put them
into one category.

Boy, I guess I shouldn't do that.

I mean, that's not
really fair to you.

I'm sorry.

Thank you, Sam.

I know that wasn't
easy for you to say.

I haven't been real fair myself.

I haven't really
given you a chance.

Oh, don't worry about it. I mean--

Gee, I wish we could just
start all over again,

just wipe all this junk
out of the way.

- I like that idea.
- Yeah.

I mean, it's like, if I could
see you for the first time,

I'd look over there,
and I'd see a beautiful woman.

Thank you.

And I'd see you,

and I'd see a real
good-looking guy.

With nice hair.

Right.

Say it.

With nice hair.

Thank you.

And broad shoulders...

...and pleasant smile...

Nice hair again.

Oh, see...

You're patronizing me.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

I am not patronizing you.

We said we were
going to be honest.

I think you're an attractive guy.

I think you're cute
enough to kiss...

I mean, if I didn't know you.

- Yeah, if you didn't know me.
- All right. What?

Do you want me to prove it to you
that I think you're cute?

All right. Fine.
I will prove it to you.

I will dispel the myth
that you turn my stomach.

I'll give you a little kiss.

Here.

There.

Now, what category am I in?

Yes?

No?

Oh, jeez!

Boy, why do I even
bother with you?

Definite maybe.

I heard that.

You said, "maybe."

You said, "maybe!"

Rebecca thinks I'm a "maybe!"

I did not say that.

I said that you kiss
like my Uncle Abie!

- No, no, no.
- No.

I said that I think
you gave me rabies!