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♪ In the white room ♪
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♪ With black curtains ♪
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♪ Near the station ♪
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♪ Black roof country ♪
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♪ No gold pavements ♪
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♪ Tired starlings ♪
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♪ Silver horses ran down moonbeams ♪
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♪ In your dark eyes ♪
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Welcome back
to Clarkson's Farm.
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00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,960
It's the middle of August in 2022.
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00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:57,320
You're welcome. Thanks.
Where have you come from?
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00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:00,160
And everything
seems to be familiar...
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00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:01,800
It's dry.
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00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:05,240
And bucolic...
15
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,360
and wonderful.
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But I'm afraid that
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behind the scenes,
it isn't wonderful at all, because...
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everything that could go wrong
has gone wrong.
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Let's start with the weather.
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00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:47,040
After the driest summer for 87 years,
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00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,240
the ground is parched
and as hard as concrete.
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00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:55,840
And as a result,
the crops are taking a battering.
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00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,680
So trying to grow potatoes
where there's no moisture...
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Look, the skin's set.
So it's not gonna grow anymore.
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00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:04,200
What do you mean?
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00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,880
You know, new potatoes,
if you did that you'd rub the skin off.
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00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:09,880
- Like a Jersey Royal?
- Like a Jersey Royal.
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00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:13,000
But these have now set their skin
to stop them losing moisture.
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- So that's as big as it's gonna get?
- Yeah.
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Shit.
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00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:22,600
Kaleb had a go at harvesting
these potato pebbles,
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00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,000
but it was hopeless.
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00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:26,960
No, I'm just dropping them all, look.
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The potatoes are that small,
they're falling between the rollers.
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00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,880
It's just dropping them on the top.
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00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:39,800
In the next field along,
the sunflowers were suffering too.
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00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:41,560
Look. It's coming to the end
of August.
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00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:47,120
These flowers have gotta mature, ripen,
in time for us to harvest them.
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00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,200
- Well, is this seed ready?
- No.
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00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:51,440
- That's useless.
- We won't be able to harvest these?
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00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:52,920
It's pointless. No.
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For fuck's sake.
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00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,480
Next, there was the echium,
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00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:03,120
a sort of plant-based fish oil
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00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:07,360
which I'd been told would net me
a fortune if it grew well.
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00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:12,360
Is that it?
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00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:15,840
Not a lot, is there?
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00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,400
That's just the... That's...
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00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:22,880
One field of spelt wheat
produced that much.
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00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:27,400
One field of echium has produced... that.
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00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:29,840
Bloody hell.
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00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:34,120
The dryness of the soil
also meant
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00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:38,000
that planting next year's oilseed rape
was a non-starter.
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00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,480
Look. Oh God, that's...
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00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:43,960
I went down a foot
the other day. There's nothing.
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00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:47,320
So if we try and drill rape into that,
it's not gonna grow.
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00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:53,120
On top of all this,
there was the pretty little restaurant,
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00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,040
which we'd opened earlier in the summer
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00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:59,840
to sell the food we'd grown
and reared on the farm.
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00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:02,200
Cheers, guys.
- Cheers.
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00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,720
But after just six weeks...
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00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:10,680
The council served us
with an enforcement notice,
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00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:13,720
telling us it had to close.
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00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,520
Welcome, everybody.
How are you?
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00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,000
I'm particularly proud
of the durum wheat,
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00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:20,360
'cause it normally grows in Italy.
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00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:22,440
Everyone looks very full.More brisket?
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00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:23,520
Thank you for coming.
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00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:31,720
Enforcement notice.
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00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:34,880
"What you are required to do
within six weeks of the date
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00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:36,440
on which this notice
comes into effect."
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00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:39,200
"Cease use of any part of the land
for sale or provision
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00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,120
of food or drinks
to members of the public
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00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:42,760
or for consumption on the land.
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00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,880
Cease use of any part of the land
as a restaurant or a café."
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00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:47,800
Even though we're allowed to.
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00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,800
"Cease use of any part of the land
for parking."
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00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,040
What?
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00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:54,920
"Reinstate the land round the restaurant
to a condition
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00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,920
similar to that of the agricultural land
immediately surrounding it,
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00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:01,800
removing all hardcore
and other surfacing materials,
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00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,120
including gravel and stone chippings."
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00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:07,080
Why you can't have gravel on a farm,
I don't know. But anyway.
84
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:10,320
"Removing all other landscaping
materials, including wooden sleepers,
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00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:13,360
- wooden plank edging and wood chippings."
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00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,120
- The wood chip's just gonna rot.
- I know...
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00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:17,040
They've gone completely mad.
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00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,360
"Removing all plants
and planting containers."
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00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,160
- You can't have plant pots on a farm?
Ridiculous.
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00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:26,320
We're going round and round in circles,
wasting a lot of fucking good money...
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00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,440
- Your money. Permanently.
- Yes, and the tax payers'.
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00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:30,720
Well, everybody's money is just being--
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00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:32,480
Pissing it up against the wall.
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00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,600
It's a joke. All the effort we put in
and we're back on square one.
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00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,320
With the restaurant shut down,
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00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,360
we could no longer afford
to keep all the cows.
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00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:50,360
We could hang onto the calves
to fatten them up
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00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:54,040
but their mums... would have to go.
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00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,160
We bought 19.
They had 8, so that's 27.
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00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:03,680
Killed 2, 25.
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00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:05,400
- Correct.
- We're keeping...
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00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:06,800
Twelve.
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00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,120
So 13 are going...
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00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:12,280
Thirteen passports I have here.
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00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:17,440
Dropping off.
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00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:20,120
I'm finding today
really quite sad.
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00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:23,040
It's 'cause for the last year,
I've been opening the windows,
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00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:26,400
opening the curtains in the morning,
and there are the cows. And I love that.
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00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,560
Making cow noises.
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00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:33,600
It just cheers my heart every morning
to see them.
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00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,880
Are the calves going to be
a bit upset tonight?
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00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:38,800
You're not gonna sleep tonight.
No.
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00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:39,960
They won't?
No.
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00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:43,680
No, you won't sleep.
They'll be calling all night long.
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00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,640
- Can I ask? Peppa's going, obviously.
- Yeah.
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00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:50,840
What do you think will become of her?
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00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:54,720
I wouldn't ask
too many questions about Pepper.
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00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,880
Don't ask questions
you don't want to know the answer to.
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00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:14,560
Oh, Christ.
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00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:19,000
All we had left
of the departed
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00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:22,720
{\an8}was some touching
phone-camera memories.
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00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:24,120
Oh, look!
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00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,280
{\an8}No! No! No! No!
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00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:30,120
{\an8}Out of there.
No, you too. Out.
125
00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,480
{\an8}Out!
No, not my flowers!
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00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:33,960
{\an8}Get out!
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00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,600
{\an8}Go on, shoo.
Shoo.
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00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,320
{\an8}You too, shoo. Shoo.
129
00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:43,160
{\an8}Jeremy?
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00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:57,360
- Cup of tea?
- Yeah.
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00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,040
Okay.
132
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:05,280
It's not like we're not keeping
a few.
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00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:08,640
No, we've got quite a few.
Yeah.
134
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,760
It could be
all the ones we gave birth to.
135
00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,680
With more than half the herd
gone,
136
00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:25,920
my eco-friendly plan to get the cows
and hens working in tandem
137
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:30,240
to fertilise the soil was in tatters.
138
00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:32,880
Soil, look, Charlie.
139
00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:34,720
All good for the soil.
New soil.
140
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:37,400
Yeah, but thanks to
West Oxfordshire District Council,
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00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:39,240
we have to use chemicals from now on.
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00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,320
- We've got nitrogen.
- I know.
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00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,640
And, as Cheerful Charlie
then explained,
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00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:51,600
this was not the year
to be buying chemical fertiliser.
145
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:57,200
We've gotta be realistic
about the projections for harvest '23.
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00:08:57,880 --> 00:08:59,280
- This is the wheat price.
Yeah.
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00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:00,720
And if you look at
the blue line,
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00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,960
where it peaked at over
350 pounds a ton...
149
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:06,720
Is it falling?
- It's falling.
150
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,160
How's that happening?
- The war's still going on.
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00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:11,760
- It's now down to 200...
- It's now just under 250.
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00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,880
So it's dropped a hundred pounds a ton.
153
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:18,120
You know we've got fertiliser prices
that have gone up?
154
00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:20,720
How much did we pay for the fertiliser?
155
00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:22,400
Just over 800 pounds a ton.
156
00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,400
Three times more than normal.
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00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,520
Three times.
So that's gone up by three times.
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00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,880
And wheat price has come... Oh fuck.
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00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:33,480
So last year, we had low growing costs.
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00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:36,240
This year, if we buy
the same amount of fertiliser,
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00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:40,320
it'll be 100,000 pounds you need
to spend on fertiliser alone.
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00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,400
It's terrible.
- Its...
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00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:45,640
It could be bad if the yields are poor.
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00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:49,200
And also take gas price, fuel price.
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00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:52,760
Energy in terms of drying the grain.
Every way you turn...
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00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,640
Farming's exposed to energy price.
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00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:58,520
Yeah.
168
00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:05,520
Not knowing what to do
about Charlie's grim forecast,
169
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:09,480
I went off to see Viktor,
our Ukrainian bee man...
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00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:11,640
All right, Viktor?
171
00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:12,760
Hello, Jeremy.
172
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,640
...who was loading up the hives
173
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:18,320
so we could extract
the latest batch of honey.
174
00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:21,720
A lot of dead bees in here.
175
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,640
Ah, well, unfortunate, isn't it?
176
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:28,240
- It's like battle of Donbas.
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00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,600
How many pounds of honey
in there?
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00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,880
I would say roughly
box ten kilos.
179
00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:36,640
- Ten kilos?
A box. About a 100 pounds.
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00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:42,960
- That is... Oh! That is all honey!
- Yeah.
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00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:45,640
You can see the bulging
on either side if you...
182
00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:49,600
Yeah.
- That is just rammed full of honey.
183
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,880
We've got a lot of honey!
- Yeah.
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00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,640
It's the only thing
on the farm that's working.
185
00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:59,600
Literally the only thing
that makes money.
186
00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:03,360
After my Viktor chat,
I had a thought.
187
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:07,120
Diddly Squat is mainly an arable farm,
188
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:12,200
but there must be other ways
of making money beside the crops.
189
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,440
So, I put my thinking cap on
190
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:18,680
and went for a walk,
with the ever-obedient dogs.
191
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:20,480
Heel.
192
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:21,720
Oi!
193
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:24,840
Sansa! Arya! Heel...
194
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,560
Arya! Heel.
195
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,520
- Oh, shit.
196
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:33,760
- Sansa! Arya!
197
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,840
Sansa! Arya!
Arya! Sansa!
198
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,680
There may be a small wait now
while they get back,
199
00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:47,960
having determined
they can't catch the deer.
200
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,640
Bambi, in case you're worried,
is completely safe.
201
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:55,760
This is what I call the Hedge of Plenty.
202
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:59,160
It's got so much stuff growing in it.
203
00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:01,440
It runs for half a mile or so.
204
00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:04,440
It's about 30 feet thick,
as you can see here.
205
00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:06,800
Full of berries.
206
00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:09,080
Blackberries.
207
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:12,320
These are sloe berries. Sloes.
208
00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:14,080
Elderflower.
209
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,680
So that's elderflower, sloe,
210
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:24,080
rose hips, blackberries,
apples, damsons, plums.
211
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:30,920
After a little sit-down
with my special thinking juice,
212
00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:32,880
I started to form a plan.
213
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:38,480
I've just been thinking.
This farm is a 1,000 acres,
214
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,720
but I only farm...
215
00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:43,160
about 500 acres.
216
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,200
The other 500 are...
217
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:49,320
woods and wildflower meadows
and just stuff.
218
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:54,600
But the 500 acres I don't farm
are full of berries and...
219
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:59,720
and apples and watercress
and wild garlic and deer.
220
00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:04,880
So I wonder if you could farm...
221
00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,920
the unfarmed?
I wonder if I could make money...
222
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,640
out of the bit of the farm
I'm not farming?
223
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,280
Council couldn't stop that, could they?
224
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:21,360
I mean, they could try
but they wouldn't be able to.
225
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,320
In my head,
this was a good idea.
226
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:29,640
But making money from the woods
and the meadows and the hedges
227
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,680
would require a lot of work.
228
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,840
So I called a meeting
with my number two.
229
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:40,960
I've got something serious to say to you.
230
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,040
I've made a big decision.
231
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:50,680
You are no longer
the tractor driver on this farm.
232
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:53,240
What am I then?
233
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:57,400
I've decided I'm gonna make you
farm manager.
234
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:00,640
- Really?
Yep.
235
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,640
I want you to run
the farming side of it.
236
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:05,760
You're fired.
237
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,120
- What?
- You're fired.
238
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:11,160
- No, you can't fire... I'm the boss!
- I'm the farm manager.
239
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:12,720
- You're fired.
- I'm not fired.
240
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:13,800
You are.
241
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,200
I'm not, because you haven't heard
how this is gonna work.
242
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,560
Tell me that, then you're fired.
243
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:20,360
Here's how I want it to work.
244
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,680
I've got to concentrate this year
on making money
245
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:27,160
out of that bit of the farm
which isn't farmed.
246
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,080
Yes?
- You've never even been here.
247
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,280
No.
248
00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:34,080
And then that means
I'm not gonna have the time
249
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,800
to really concentrate
on this bit of the farm.
250
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:37,960
On the arable. Yeah.
251
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:40,760
So, I'm gonna put you
on the arable.
252
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:43,920
And I'm gonna concentrate on this.
253
00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,200
- And I've just had a thought.
- Mm-hmm?
254
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:48,880
Why don't we make it a competition?
255
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,160
Who in the next 12 months
can make the most money:
256
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:54,040
me out of unfarmed land
257
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:59,120
- or you out of farmed land?
- Farmed land... I like it.
258
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,760
So we'll get a whiteboard,
we'll put it on the wall,
259
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:05,240
and then it's Jeremy's profit and costs,
260
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,240
- Kaleb's profit and costs.
- Yeah.
261
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:11,320
Okay?
And then it'll run through the year.
262
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:12,720
Hmm?
263
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:14,800
I think that'll be
quite good fun.
264
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,800
I think it'll be fun as well.
And I'm gonna win, so it's fine.
265
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:17,920
You aren't gonna win.
266
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:21,760
I'm gonna win this competition.
267
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:25,760
Right. Get out and get back on
your tractor and go manage the farm.
268
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,120
I don't need to now.
I'm gonna go have a nice walk round,
269
00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:30,360
anal-- "analasyse" the soil.
270
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,280
"Analasyse"?
- Hmm.
271
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,080
That's a word, innit? "Analasyse"!
272
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,080
- No!
-"Analasyse"! It is!
273
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,760
Analyse.
274
00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:40,720
- Analyse.
275
00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:46,600
To get my "Farming
the Unfarmed" project off the ground,
276
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,480
I did some research.
277
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:54,480
And discovered that my local supermarket
was charging 6p a blackberry...
278
00:15:56,080 --> 00:16:00,560
Which meant my hedgerows
were fruity gold mines.
279
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:04,320
Look. 6p, 12, 24...
280
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,680
There's 50p there.
281
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,920
Another 50p there,
and there, and there.
282
00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:11,080
A pound there.
283
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,880
There's 30 quid in this one bush alone, easy.
284
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:18,560
In order to maximise profits,
though,
285
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:22,040
I'd need to harvest them
as cheaply as possible.
286
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:27,640
So rather craftily I asked if I could
borrow a blackberry-picking machine
287
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:30,040
to see if I liked it.
288
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,200
Shit...
289
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,400
It's a bit bigger than I was expecting,
mate!
290
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:36,440
Just a bit bigger!
291
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:39,040
- How are you? Erm...
- I'm well, thank you.
292
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,960
- We've got the grain wagon.
- Yes?
293
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:44,720
I'll just back him up. If you could pull
over to the right, is that all right?
294
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:47,920
Sorry, mate? Do you mind backing up?
295
00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,840
So that that wagon can get through
and go over there? Is that all right?
296
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:51,880
Cheers, mate. Thanks.
297
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,560
I'm a car-park attendant,
that's what I've become now.
298
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:01,800
What are you doing?
299
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:06,080
I'm loading the lorry.
300
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,120
Yeah, well, it was in the way.
301
00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:11,200
Your farming is in the way of my farming.
302
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,160
No, your farming's getting in the way
of my farming.
303
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,520
It isn't. I just need to get this in.
304
00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:16,560
Look at that!
305
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:20,040
- You don't even know what it is, do you?
No... What are you doing?
306
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:21,080
Blackberry picking.
307
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:24,200
Load the wagon up and then come and see
real farming happening.
308
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,400
"Real" farming my arse.
309
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:33,760
Right.
Let my blackberry farming begin.
310
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:44,960
Okay, the first thing I've realised
is that my trailer is 25 yards wide.
311
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:47,960
If I meet a bus coming the other way,
312
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:51,000
the bus driver is going to be going home
313
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:57,080
with a blackberry-picking machine
fastened to his face like a moustache.
314
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:02,960
As you can probably see,
315
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:09,040
the blackberry-picking machine
is like an arch.
316
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:12,760
So I'm gonna try and harvest that hedge
to start with.
317
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:16,000
So I've gotta get
my blackberry-picking machine
318
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:19,560
to straddle this wall first of all.
319
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:27,160
This, inevitably,
was easier said than done.
320
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:31,040
Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
321
00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,960
No, no, no. Shit!
322
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,560
How on earth am I going to do this?
323
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:40,440
Ah.
324
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,320
No. Erm...
325
00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:49,320
Well, it's just not possible, is it?
326
00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:56,160
There was nothing for it.
I had to ask my business rival for help.
327
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:58,160
Right, you see that?
- Yeah.
328
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,080
It's an arch.
- Yeah.
329
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:04,560
And you have to get that arch
to straddle this wall...
330
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,400
Because we've gotta go
all the way down this wall
331
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,440
- to get to where the blackberries are.
Okay.
332
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:12,800
I can do it.
333
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,080
I bet he can't.
334
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,400
Come on, Kaleb!
335
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,640
Right, we're on.
We're hooked on.
336
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,520
I'm gonna go as straight as I can.
337
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:42,320
Oh, there's a lot of fence...
We're knocking all these fence posts off.
338
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,480
The whole wall is moving.
339
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:51,960
We're gonna be harvesting a wall
if you're not careful here.
340
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:55,800
These blackberries
better be profitable.
341
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,880
Oh! That's blown
the whole wall right out!
342
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,400
Oh, sheee.
Shit!
343
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,040
How much further until
we get to what could be called...
344
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,800
Wait.
This wall doesn't fucking stop!
345
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:13,920
What?
346
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,080
This wall does not stop.
347
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:26,040
Oh shit. Shit.
348
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,640
You're gonna have to back up.
- I can't.
349
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,800
Well, you can't go forwards
'cause we now can't see it.
350
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:35,320
We're fucked, aren't we?
351
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:43,560
Christ. Look what we've done.
352
00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:48,240
What we'd done was harvest
no blackberries at all
353
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:52,440
and create a week's work for Gerald,
who wouldn't be able to do it
354
00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:56,800
because he'd phoned that morning
to say he wasn't feeling very well.
355
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,560
Stay where you are.
That's it, stay straight.
356
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,280
And rather embarrassingly,
when the people came
357
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:04,800
to collect the precious demonstrator
they'd lent me,
358
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:09,800
we had to lift it off the wall
using two telehandlers.
359
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:13,640
Oh.
360
00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:18,000
That's... that's the fence now
broken again.
361
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,520
Oh, look at the concrete.
No, whoa, whoa, whoa.
362
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:30,160
Jesus.
363
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,320
Here you are.
Here's your machine.
364
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:39,000
Clearly, I now needed to think
of a new way
365
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,000
to harvest my blackberries.
366
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:48,320
But first, it was my turn to help Kaleb.
367
00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,960
Whoa. That's Kaleb's new muck spreader.
368
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:55,120
Because it was time
to scoop up the muck
369
00:21:55,280 --> 00:22:00,280
our recently departed cows had produced
over the last 11 months.
370
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:02,520
Oh yes!
371
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,640
That is pungent.
That's good stuff!
372
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,200
So how much do you reckon
is here?
373
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,800
I reckon we've got
about 200 tonnes here.
374
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:11,600
200 tonnes of faeces.
- Yeah.
375
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:14,840
Feel that.
376
00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:16,440
- Feel how hot it is.
- No.
377
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:18,160
Feel the heat.
378
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:19,640
- Can you feel it?
- Oooh!
379
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:22,160
Why is it so hot?
380
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:23,960
- When it ferments...
- Oh.
381
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:25,560
It just gets hot in the middle
and comes out.
382
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:26,960
- That's really hot in the middle.
- Yeah.
383
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,720
When you start bucketing that,
it's gonna be boiling.
384
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:31,920
Start loading up, yeah?
385
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:44,200
One bucket weighs one tonne.
386
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:49,080
If that was
artificial chemical fertiliser,
387
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,680
that would have cost me
a thousand pounds.
388
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:55,320
The weigh scales
is 1.6 tonne, actually.
389
00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:58,240
You've got weigh scales
in your new muck spreader?
390
00:22:58,440 --> 00:22:59,640
It's the way forward.
391
00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:01,760
You can actually tell how much muck's
going on your fields.
392
00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:04,400
That's what we need to know.
The fertiliser price is so high.
393
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,400
You're pretty much full now.
394
00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:12,040
Yeah.
395
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,280
And then that just
flings it out over the field, does it?
396
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:20,640
Let's put it this way. I had
a stone the other day go out 48 metres.
397
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,080
48 metres out of the back?
398
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:28,240
48 metres
out the back of this spreader,
399
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:29,880
through a window, through a blind,
400
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:31,680
hit a chair and hit a fridge.
401
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,120
Where? In Chadlington?
402
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:36,160
Yeah, on Simon's field,
in the middle of Chadlington.
403
00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:39,000
It hit the top of the chair
and ripped all the leather off it.
404
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:42,000
So don't go behind
your muck spreader then.
405
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,360
I then got
a first-hand demonstration
406
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:50,680
of the muck spreader's Gatling-gun power
407
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:53,600
as Kaleb's brother fertilised the field.
408
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:58,600
Jesus. Why don't they use
that-- The Army should use that.
409
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:00,000
Win a lot of wars with that,
wouldn't you?
410
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:04,040
If you loaded that up with gravel
and then drove through a war zone...
411
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:08,200
You would literally...
- You'd properly get people to duck!
412
00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:13,400
I was extremely happy
to be using free fertiliser,
413
00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:17,680
but we only had enough to cover 25 acres.
414
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:20,640
So it was up to farm manager Kaleb
to decide
415
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:24,960
how many chemicals
he'd need to fill in the gaps.
416
00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:30,000
He therefore invited Charlie over
to his new office.
417
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:36,240
So I've just been
working this out.
418
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:37,640
What's "this"?
419
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:39,760
- The cropping.
- I've done that.
420
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:43,040
Yeah, but I'm doing it.
'Cause I'm farm manager.
421
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:46,680
Well, wha...
Okay. Well, what's "your" plan?
422
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,760
So, I think wheat
down the right-hand side of the farm,
423
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,880
which I call the right-hand side,
which is Big Ground Banks Airfield.
424
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:57,280
- The eastern side.
- Yeah. Or that side, yeah.
425
00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:59,960
- The eastern side.
- Yeah. Okay. Right-hand side.
426
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:03,280
And then spring wheat
in basically the middle end of the farm.
427
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:04,600
- Okay.
- Yeah?
428
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:08,880
And you said-- Did you say about
100,000 pounds' worth of fertiliser?
429
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:10,040
Roughly.
430
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:13,960
I think I can get it down
to about 78,000 pounds.
431
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,280
We've got the chicken muck,
we've got the cow muck.
432
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:19,320
Okay. So you're hoping that that cuts
the amount of artificial nitrogen?
433
00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:21,960
- Yeah.
- Don't be short on nitrogen.
434
00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:25,080
And don't cut corners unnecessarily.
435
00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,440
- The risk's gone through the roof.
- Yeah.
436
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:30,320
'Cause you've got higher growing costs,
you've got higher pricing.
437
00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:33,520
You know, we need the output
to maximise our income,
438
00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:36,720
because that'll give you your profit
at the end of the day.
439
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:38,680
I think we can save 22,000 pounds.
440
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:40,480
Well, let's hope it works.
441
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:43,920
- This farm competition...
Oh, yeah.
442
00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:45,080
Are you okay with it?
443
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:50,680
I mean, the man can hardly farm
the farmed, let alone farm the unfarmed.
444
00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,520
God knows what he's gonna...
God knows his ideas.
445
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:02,720
As they discussed this,
I was busy in the barn,
446
00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:06,920
working on another
blackberry-harvesting solution.
447
00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:10,440
And I must say,
I was rather pleased with it.
448
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:22,400
And now,
we move to the other side of the vehicle,
449
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:26,800
where we find the vacuum cleaner.
450
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:30,800
Simply apply the vacuum cleaner
to the blackberry.
451
00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:34,560
Yes!
452
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:35,880
Who knew!
453
00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:38,280
I've done a thing that works!
454
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:41,800
I'm harvesting a bush.
455
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:43,680
And it's only pulling off
the black ones,
456
00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:45,880
it's not pulling off
the unripe red ones.
457
00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:50,160
We're not using CGI here. This is real.
458
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:53,120
Ah-ha.
459
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:56,640
I don't know what sort of vacuum cleaner
this is, I'm not an expert,
460
00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:59,120
but they're marketing it all wrong.
461
00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:01,040
Look at that. Five minutes.
462
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:05,240
And they're red ones. I'm staggered!
463
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:11,160
Once I'd harvested
the hedge...
464
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,120
I headed to the farm kitchen,
465
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:17,360
leafed through Mrs Beeton's
old cookery book...
466
00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:20,920
Blackberries, lemon juice, sugar.
467
00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:25,920
And then started to make
some Diddly Squat blackberry jam.
468
00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:28,280
Woah. Bloody hell.
469
00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:37,640
So all I have to do is add the jam sugar,
470
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:39,000
add the lemon juice,
471
00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:41,600
bubble them away
for half an hour or so,
472
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:43,920
cool it, sell it.
473
00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:45,360
One hour's work.
474
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:47,560
An hour to harvest them.
Two hour's work.
475
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:50,840
This is pure profit.
476
00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:54,640
Hello.
477
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:58,000
What are you doing?
- Making jam, dear boy. Making jam.
478
00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:00,320
This is new farming, this is.
479
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,720
Given that we weren't dealing
with cows or crops,
480
00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:07,880
I assumed there'd be no opportunity
for finger-wagging.
481
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:11,280
Erm, so, clearly blackberries.
482
00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:13,600
Yeah.
- How much is in there?
483
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:15,320
Well, that many.
484
00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:16,960
- No, but how many?
- Oh, I don't know.
485
00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:19,760
You've gotta measure it.
You can't just chuck it all in.
486
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:23,160
You're gonna sell the jam.
- Yeah.
487
00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:25,000
Have you done your food hygiene test?
488
00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:27,440
No.
489
00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:31,040
What pH is it? Does it contain
any allergens? You'll have to put...
490
00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:34,000
Well, what if someone's allergic
to blackberries?
491
00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:35,600
Well, you'll have to put on there.
492
00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:38,400
"May contain blackberries"
in this blackberry... You're...
493
00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:41,120
Is it just blackberries?
- No. Lemon juice.
494
00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:46,480
But you'll have to list what's on here.
It's got potassium metabisulfites in it.
495
00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:49,200
- So you've gotta list...
- So on my jam, I've got to write
496
00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:53,080
"May contain traces
of potassium metabisulfite"?
497
00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:55,280
- Yes. Because...
- That's not very good marketing.
498
00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,320
Okay, are you're making jam,
or preserve, or conserve?
499
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:01,440
What's the difference?
500
00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:06,560
So, okay, there is a difference,
and it's all to do with sugar content.
501
00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:09,440
You know on the side of a jam thing,
it says:
502
00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:12,360
"This was made
with X amount of fruit"?
503
00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:16,160
So, like, 50 grams of fruit
made 100 grams of jam?
504
00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:18,560
I don't know what you're talking about.
505
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:21,760
What does Mrs Beeton...
She'll say that
506
00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:25,840
you've gotta have a specific amount
of sugar to make it jam.
507
00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:27,560
No, she doesn't.
508
00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:31,800
Three pounds to three pounds!
509
00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:33,800
Well, I'll put the three pounds
of sugar in then.
510
00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:36,280
- How many blackberries have you got?
- I don't know!
511
00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:39,120
So basically,
you can't use that.
512
00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:41,840
What?
- You haven't weighed it.
513
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:43,080
- You need to know...
- I can't use it?
514
00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:45,880
You'll need to start again.
515
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:50,600
I wasn't the only one being
bashed on the rocks
516
00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:53,720
by Charlie's waves of negativity,
517
00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:55,800
because on the other side of the farm,
518
00:29:56,000 --> 00:30:02,320
Kaleb was also getting a drubbing
over his plans to plant oilseed rape.
519
00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:07,960
- I have... your new cropping plan.
- All right. Brilliant.
520
00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:11,160
You've still got rape?
- Yeah.
521
00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:12,800
Why?
522
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:16,120
- I think it's a risk.
- It is a risk.
523
00:30:16,280 --> 00:30:17,880
- When did it last rain?
- I can't remember.
524
00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:20,520
Like, April. There's no moisture.
The ground's hard.
525
00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:22,360
We're gonna have flea-beetle pressure.
526
00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:23,880
I dunno when it's gonna rain.
527
00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:26,520
But I think
it's a risk we've gotta take.
528
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:30,560
How many farmers this year have not
grown rape because of the weather?
529
00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:33,040
- Okay. Quite a lot.
- A lot. Yes.
530
00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:35,960
So therefore the price,
if it's 5.75 at the moment,
531
00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:39,400
in a year's time, when they say
there's a shortage of rape,
532
00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:42,840
because of the reason of no farmers are
growing it 'cause of the weather, yeah?
533
00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:45,080
That price could increase.
534
00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:47,080
- If this pulls off...
- If.
535
00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:49,120
Or, it fails?
536
00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:56,560
I am willing to risk planting oilseed
rape this year...
537
00:30:57,600 --> 00:30:59,920
- as farm manager.
- Are you chasing
538
00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:02,440
the bottom line of the farm
539
00:31:02,600 --> 00:31:06,600
or are you just trying to chase Jeremy
'cause he's got a good head start?
540
00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:08,400
The farm.
541
00:31:08,560 --> 00:31:09,520
And Jeremy.
542
00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:13,200
- Focus on the farm.
- I am! I am!
543
00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:14,720
Okay.
544
00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:17,920
I am. It'll be fine.
545
00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:23,520
I agreed with Charlie
that rape was a bad idea,
546
00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:25,200
but there was no time to discuss this
547
00:31:25,360 --> 00:31:29,400
because I needed to hoover up
more blackberries for my jam.
548
00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:34,880
If we weigh this, we'll know
how much fruit goes in each jar.
549
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:37,240
How do you know you're gonna
fill them the same level each time?
550
00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:40,000
We're not buying cocaine.
It's not like you say 2 grams or 20.
551
00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:41,240
There's a big difference.
552
00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:44,560
I'll go with your logic.
553
00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:45,560
Right.
554
00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:51,360
- That jar with the lid weighs 228 grams.
Yeah.
555
00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:58,360
With the fruit in
it's 443 grams.
556
00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:00,000
So 215.
557
00:32:00,200 --> 00:32:01,440
Is that the difference?
- Yeah.
558
00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:06,640
So we know that in each jar,
there will be 215 grams of fruit.
559
00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:08,440
Yes?
- Yeah.
560
00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:10,920
If I wash this, it'll be
all right to use again, won't it?
561
00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:14,480
Yeah, that's the whole point of
glass jars, Jeremy, you can reuse them.
562
00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:15,880
- Exactly.
There you go.
563
00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:19,880
Do I have to sterilise it?
- Yes, you do have to sterilise it.
564
00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:23,280
We've been through that.
Put it in a warm oven for ten minutes.
565
00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:26,440
Lid and jar sterilising.
566
00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:33,080
No. No.
567
00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:42,720
- No, there's just nothing there.
- No.
568
00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:45,160
- The oven's here.
- Oh, right. What's this then?
569
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:51,480
Despite these minor setbacks,
570
00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:56,920
a couple of days later,
my jam was ready to go on sale.
571
00:32:57,400 --> 00:32:58,280
There's all those.
572
00:32:58,480 --> 00:32:59,400
All these.
573
00:33:01,040 --> 00:33:04,160
It cost nothing
to plant the blackberries.
574
00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:07,760
I didn't have to fertilise them.
I didn't have to do anything.
575
00:33:07,960 --> 00:33:10,360
Eat your heart out, Kaleb.
576
00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:17,600
Look what I have got for you.
577
00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:20,120
No way!
- Yes way!
578
00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:22,560
- How much can we sell it for?
- What would you like to charge?
579
00:33:23,280 --> 00:33:25,960
Well, it cost 1.49 pounds to make.
580
00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:28,960
60p for the jar, 47p for the label,
581
00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:31,600
and 42p for the sugar in each one.
582
00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:34,800
I think 3.60 pounds
is a reasonable amount.
583
00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:37,560
- I mean, I can sell it for 4.80.
It's 3.60.
584
00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:38,920
I'm not having any of your...
585
00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:41,040
"Well, hoo, we can get
away with charging more."
586
00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:42,280
3.60.
587
00:33:44,560 --> 00:33:47,920
As good as it was
to see my jam on the shelves,
588
00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:53,040
I knew that my current sources of income
from farming the unfarmed
589
00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:55,200
would soon dry up.
590
00:33:57,400 --> 00:33:59,600
Autumn was now upon us,
591
00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:02,120
which meant the bees
would knock off for the year
592
00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:06,360
and the hedges would become bereft
of fruit.
593
00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:10,600
However, I'd had
another money-making brainwave
594
00:34:10,760 --> 00:34:14,640
and I couldn't wait to tell Charlie
all about it.
595
00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:18,000
I've got a new thing.
596
00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:20,400
Pigs.
597
00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:22,120
Pigs?
598
00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:25,760
Pigs. And there's method in my madness.
599
00:34:27,680 --> 00:34:30,560
This is the Prime Minister speaking.
Ready?
600
00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:34,080
{\an8}In a fortnight I'm going to Paris
601
00:34:34,200 --> 00:34:36,640
{\an8}for the world's largest food trade fair
602
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:40,000
{\an8}and I will be bigging-up
British products.
603
00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:45,960
In December, I'll be in Beijing,
opening up new pork markets.
604
00:34:48,160 --> 00:34:50,960
And she paused there for applause
that didn't come.
605
00:34:51,120 --> 00:34:52,560
But I was paying attention.
606
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:54,960
So she's opening up new pork markets.
607
00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:57,800
And this is a woman who's...
She's the Prime Minister, now.
608
00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:01,000
Thousands and thousands of Conservative
Party members have looked at her
609
00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:04,800
and said "She's wise, she's on it,
she's bright, she's the right choice."
610
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:10,360
So she thinks there's going to be
a burgeoning pork market in China. Hmm?
611
00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:13,640
So do you want to breed pigs?
612
00:35:13,840 --> 00:35:15,680
Yes! 'Cause then you get piglets.
613
00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:19,560
It'd be fun to have little piglets
running around... Won't it?
614
00:35:19,680 --> 00:35:22,440
It would be much easier
from a management point of view...
615
00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:24,160
- Yeah?
- ...to just buy piglets in,
616
00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:28,040
fatten those up, and then kill them
to sell in the farm shop.
617
00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:30,600
But then you'd have to buy more.
Why don't you just get them breeding?
618
00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:34,680
As soon as you've got
a breeding pig, it's a 365 thing.
619
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:36,920
Somebody's gotta be here
every single day,
620
00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:39,920
watering, feeding, moving,
checking the welfare.
621
00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:42,480
I cannot believe pigs are complicated.
622
00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:47,120
So you have the babies, chop them up,
sell them in the shop, sausages.
623
00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:49,080
You get so much from a pig.
624
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:50,520
But I just... you've...
625
00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:55,000
You've jumped from pigs
to the farm shop without,
626
00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:58,360
I think, full consideration
of the production bit.
627
00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:00,560
Liz Truss says I can sell them
in Beijing. She's opening up...
628
00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:03,040
I don't want you to sell them in Beijing.
Sell them at the farm shop.
629
00:36:03,520 --> 00:36:06,080
- I'm gonna sell them in there.
- Who's gonna look after them?
630
00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:09,160
- Me.
- Every day?
631
00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:11,320
Yes. I'm here every day.
632
00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:13,000
- When you're not here?
- Kaleb.
633
00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:15,680
- Has he got enough time?
- Yes.
634
00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:17,480
- Where are they gonna live?
- Well...
635
00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:21,360
Because Kaleb can't get the potatoes up,
they go up into the...
636
00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:22,360
where the potatoes are.
637
00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:23,560
Fine.
638
00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:25,360
We fence that bit off.
639
00:36:25,560 --> 00:36:27,440
- Yep.
- They go in there.
640
00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:31,160
And they'll eat all the potatoes,
so we get value from the potatoes.
641
00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:32,600
Yeah, but they won't be there forever.
642
00:36:32,800 --> 00:36:35,600
No. Woods.
They're gonna be woodland pigs.
643
00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:36,960
I can put them in the woods.
644
00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:39,760
'Cause you know I've got that competition
going with Kaleb?
645
00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:42,680
I told him I could generate money
from the woods,
646
00:36:42,880 --> 00:36:43,640
- yes?
- Yeah.
647
00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:46,160
If I put pigs, once they've eaten
all the potatoes out of there
648
00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:47,920
- that he's failed to get up.
- Yeah.
649
00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:50,960
- They live in the woods, snouting around.
- Yeah.
650
00:36:51,160 --> 00:36:54,160
And I'm making money
from my side of the enterprise
651
00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:56,080
because they can truffle about,
652
00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:59,360
and they just turn over the soil looking
for acorns and things, don't they?
653
00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:02,800
In an idyllic sort of
Winnie the Pooh world.
654
00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:07,640
They're foragers, but they're more
like a JCB, they're earth movers.
655
00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:12,960
So you will regenerate the woods
into a sort of stock-car track.
656
00:37:13,160 --> 00:37:15,400
You'll have the local kids in there
with their BMXs
657
00:37:15,560 --> 00:37:18,840
cycling around these massive earthworks
that they've created.
658
00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:22,040
Your ne--
This is your most negative yet.
659
00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:25,560
I am just concerned
about the production of piglets.
660
00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:28,120
The idyllic nature of it in your mind...
661
00:37:28,320 --> 00:37:30,160
I want to get hundreds of them
in the woods,
662
00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:32,520
rootling around,
clearing away the thorns.
663
00:37:33,160 --> 00:37:35,280
I, I, I... Look...
664
00:37:35,480 --> 00:37:37,320
Actually, I'm gonna get on it now.
I'm on it.
665
00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:39,440
I'm going to find a pig farmer.
I'm gonna get some pigs.
666
00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:41,600
Piggly Squat Pork.
667
00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:43,520
Come on!
668
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:45,480
Yes!
669
00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:54,400
As I set to work,
with no help from Charlie,
670
00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:58,280
Kaleb took the Lambo
in for a much-needed service...
671
00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:04,760
And then used his own toy tractor
to work the fields,
672
00:38:04,920 --> 00:38:10,560
whose walls were now looking a bit tired
as Gerald was still feeling poorly.
673
00:38:12,160 --> 00:38:15,800
Then it was time for Kaleb and I
to have a serious chat
674
00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:18,960
about how our competition was going.
675
00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:21,280
Hmm.
676
00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:22,920
It looks horrible.
677
00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:25,120
Damsons in vodka.
678
00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:29,360
Leave it for a couple of months.
And then, sell that.
679
00:38:29,560 --> 00:38:31,160
And we can make our own vodka,
according to Lisa...
680
00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:32,360
- So how mu...
- With our potatoes.
681
00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:33,880
How much money's...
- There?
682
00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:35,520
How much money worth is that?
683
00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:37,160
Three, four hundred quid.
684
00:38:37,680 --> 00:38:39,160
This is the future of farming.
685
00:38:39,320 --> 00:38:41,040
It's not a future.
- Well, it is...
686
00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:43,120
That's gonna get someone drunk
for one night.
687
00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:45,920
You think one person
could drink all that?
688
00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:47,480
I think you could drink all of that.
689
00:38:49,200 --> 00:38:52,800
We then discussed the bill
for servicing the Lambo.
690
00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:56,600
- What is it?
- Well, there's a lot of stuff.
691
00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:59,320
- Yeah, I mean, it's buggered.
- Also... It's not buggered!
692
00:38:59,480 --> 00:39:01,080
- It is. It's time to get a new...
- The brakes weren't working.
693
00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:03,480
Just get a new one.
What's the total?
694
00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:04,880
Could you add these up?
695
00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:07,560
3,259,
696
00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:10,080
1,543,
697
00:39:10,280 --> 00:39:13,840
99 plus 410.
698
00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:15,640
How much is that?
699
00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:19,160
5,300 pounds.
- That's a lot of money.
700
00:39:19,360 --> 00:39:21,480
It's a lot. But, I mean,
I'll get three or four years of...
701
00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:24,000
I mean, take that off your margins.
Because, I mean, that's...
702
00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:26,160
It's not my margins. It's your farm.
703
00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:29,120
- You're doing the agricultural bit.
- All right, then.
704
00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:30,960
- This is coming off yours.
- I wanna sell it.
705
00:39:31,120 --> 00:39:32,600
You're not gonna sell it.
It's my tractor.
706
00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:36,000
Anyway, listen, we're gonna have a chart
of who's doing best.
707
00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:37,480
Pen.
708
00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:40,640
- So this is "Spent" and "Made".
- Hmm.
709
00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:45,640
-230 pounds. Yes?
- Yeah.
710
00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:47,800
230 pounds' profit,
711
00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:50,600
once I'd taken the cost of the jars off
and everything else, right?
712
00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:51,560
Hmm-hmm.
713
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:56,080
You spent 78,000 pounds on fertiliser.
714
00:39:56,640 --> 00:39:58,560
Made nothing.
715
00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:03,080
So that's where we are at the moment.
I'm 230 pounds up.
716
00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:05,880
You're minus 78,000 pounds.
717
00:40:06,520 --> 00:40:07,840
And how much have you spent on seed?
718
00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:09,920
2,500 on the rape.
719
00:40:10,080 --> 00:40:13,480
So rape, which I told you not to drill,
which you did:
720
00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:16,640
2,500.
Wheat?
721
00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:19,560
Six grand.
- 6,000 pounds.
722
00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:22,120
Chemicals?
- 1,500.
723
00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:24,480
Diesel?
- 2,000 pounds.
724
00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:26,080
2,000 in diesel.
725
00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:27,920
I don't like this game.
726
00:40:28,120 --> 00:40:31,160
Just... Tractor service?
- You broke that though.
727
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:33,160
So you are now at 78,
728
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:37,160
80, 86, 87, 89, 94...
729
00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:43,080
minus 95,400 pounds.
730
00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:47,640
And I'm plus 230 pounds.
731
00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:53,160
So I'm 95,630 pounds ahead of you.
732
00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:57,000
I haven't-- Oh, my honey!
733
00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:59,520
8,000 pounds.
- What?
734
00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:01,600
A profitable item.
735
00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:05,920
So I'm actually 8,230 pounds up,
736
00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:13,080
which proves my idea of farming
unfarmed land... is working well.
737
00:41:19,440 --> 00:41:21,520
Given that Kaleb's side
of the board
738
00:41:21,640 --> 00:41:24,000
looked like
Boris Becker's bank statement,
739
00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:28,160
I decided to fire up
my newly serviced tractor...
740
00:41:29,480 --> 00:41:33,440
and help him out
with some topping work in the fields.
741
00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:37,440
Kaleb's out in his old Lamborghini today.
742
00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:40,440
So we've got a brace of Lamborghinis
on the job.
743
00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:45,880
A job for Gerald there, look.
A broken wall.
744
00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:48,160
Probably badgers.
745
00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:52,640
What's it like
to have your tractor back then?
746
00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:56,080
It's so nice.
And it stops when I want it to.
747
00:41:56,280 --> 00:41:58,600
Brakes are good. Power's good.
748
00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:02,840
Comfort's good.
Air conditioning's working.
749
00:42:08,440 --> 00:42:09,520
Hello?
750
00:42:13,320 --> 00:42:15,320
Yeah.
751
00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:18,080
Hi. How's things?
752
00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:24,200
Oh no.
753
00:42:35,960 --> 00:42:38,080
Right. Yeah.
754
00:42:38,440 --> 00:42:40,280
Is there anything you want?
755
00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:44,760
Right. Okay.
Look, I'll see you later on, okay?
756
00:42:45,160 --> 00:42:47,040
All right. Take care.
757
00:42:51,800 --> 00:42:54,680
Gerald's got cancer.
758
00:42:55,800 --> 00:42:58,280
Oh shit.
57411
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