All language subtitles for Cheers.S05E19.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Don't work too hard there, Diane.

I don't mind.

Our wedding day draws ever near,

and all this conditioning
is simply preparation

for that special moment

when you and I exchange rings.

My hands must be pristine,

because everyone's eyes
will be on my fingers.

And everyone's fingers
will be down their throats.

Oh, Carla.

Sweet, pathetic Carla.

Can't you see that
I'm in far too good a mood

to let your petty asides
bother me?

I'm afraid you'll just have
to find some other way of bugging me.

If you insist.

Yes, thank you for telling me.

If you don't hear from me
in an hour, I'll be there.

Okay. Thank you.

Sam, may I speak to you
for a minute?

It would be a new record if you do.

That was a Buddhist monastery
called "The Glade."

I've been hoping to go on retreat there,
and guess what?

- They have a vacancy.
- Great.

I heard all the monks
went to Ft. Lauderdale this year.

No, Sam, it's not a resort.

It's a contemplative retreat

where people go as a means
of purifying their souls.

For two weeks,
you're isolated from others

to commune with yourself.

You're provided with a small room,

you're fed pure, toxin-free foods.

Wait, wait, and...

...they have the biggest Buddha
east of the Mississippi.

Boy, he is a bruiser, isn't he?

Well, it's not exactly Vegas,
but all right, I'll give it a try.

What should I bring?

No, Sam. I'm going alone.

Only in my solitude
can I discover who we are.

Wait a minute here.

This isn't one of those weird cults
where they mess with your head

and you end up handing out flowers
at the airport?

You will be coming back,
won't you?

No, I won't be coming back, but I will.

I guess I just made up
a little Zen koan, didn't I?

Let me explain.

A koan is a paradox
upon which one meditates

in order to become more enlightened.

For example, what was your face
before your parents were born?

Easy. A "10."

This is kind of fun. You got any more?

Well, I'm off to The Glade.

It is all right, isn't it?

Yeah. What the heck.
Why not? Sure. Go ahead.

- Good-bye, my love.
- Bye-bye.

Steal me an ashtray.

Is Diane taking the day off again?

- No.
- Good.

She's taking two weeks off.

No, Sammy, that's not fair!
Come on!

She's always taking off
for one stupid reason or another.

Can't we just kill her?

She's my fiancée, Carla.

- Is that a yes?
- No.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Cliff ie.

What's with your leg?

I'd rather not talk about it.

Got bitten by a dog.
Ten stitches to close the wound.

I tell you, these unleashed animals
are a menace to postal workers.

- You're gonna sue, aren't you?
- I may be wrong, Carla,

but I don't think you can sue
members of the animal kingdom.

I'm talking about
the owners, Nelly Bell.

There's no need to sue.

I left a strongly-worded note
in their mailbox.

That's too bad, Cliff. I know a lawyer
who'd take it on a contingency basis.

It wouldn't cost you a dime, and you
might end up with a sizable settlement.

If it gets you off my back, all right.

Cheers.

Yeah, just a minute, please.

Mr. Clavin, for you.

Take a message.
I'll call 'em back, Woody.

Yeah, can he get back to you?

Yes, ma'am.
She wants to know how your leg is.

The mutt's owner tracked me down.

Well, tell her that she can deep-six
that phony concern of hers.

It doesn't cut it with me.

You can deep-six your phony concern.

It doesn't cut it with him.

Tell her my leg
and I will see her in court.

His leg and him will see you in court.

Okay, I'll tell him.

Your mom wants you
to be home by 6:00 for dinner.

Woody, why didn't you tell me
it was my mother?

- I just did.
- No. I mean before.

I didn't know it was her
until I picked up the phone.

No, Woody...

When you were talking to her,
why didn't you say it was her?

She already knew that.

I'd leave it alone, Cliff.

I think it's one of those
Zen koan things.

Buena sera, mi amigos.

Hey, Cliff ie, how's your leg?

Stiffening up there, Sammy.

The muscle's all cramped, and I think
the wound's getting a little infected.

And the mental anguish
that goes along with this.

You just can't put a price on this.

Well, let me guess here,
you've seen an attorney.

Yep.

The guy said 97%
of all these canine attack cases?

Decided in favor of the postman.

Well, good for you, Cliff.

You deserve to get
a little satisfaction out of this.

- About 200,000 clams worth.
- Two hundred thousand--

Dollars.
Dinner is on Cliff, all right.

What do you say, buddy?
I go upstairs, snag us a table,

check out the specials.
I'll be right back.

Maybe I can sue somebody
about my broken thumb.

I mean, after all,
I did slip on the ice.

Well, maybe so.
Where did it happen?

- Right outside the bar here.
- No. You don't have a case.

Hey, Cliff.

Have you ever thought
that you might be suing

some poor, sweet little old lady?

Hey, listen, there, sharpie,
who she is, is irrelevant.

It's the letter of the law
that's been violated here.

And I just can't wait
to get her into court

and tear her to pieces
with my verbal gymnastics.

I'm looking for a Mr. Cliff Clavin.

Yep.

You left this note in my mailbox.

I'm afraid it was my dog that bit you.

Excuse me.

Cliff ie, what are you trying to say?

Yes, she is very attractive.

Mr. Clavin, I'm terribly sorry
about what happened.

How is your leg?

Cliff ie, we're in luck.
The special is fillet...

Great. In stereo.

Guys, guys, guys.

Sit down, sit down.

Come on, come on.

Can I offer you a drink, Miss...

Keith. Madeline Keith.

White wine would be lovely.
Thank you.

Coming right up.

Look. I don't have very much money,

but I'd like to help
with the doctor bills.

That's good.

That's good.

Anything to ease the burden
on you and your family.

You're not married.

You're not married.

I mean, I'm not married.

But I could be
if I wanted to, right Sam?

Sure.

I can't imagine a man like you
living alone.

I don't live alone.

I live with my mother.

You know, it's not that I have to.
We're related.

Don't get me wrong.
I mean, I like her.

No, I think it's wonderful

that you're taking care of your mother
in her old age.

I couldn't throw her out in the street,
I guess.

I mean, who'd make my lunch?

Mr. Clavin.

You know, it's too bad
we didn't meet

under different circumstances.

We could have been friends.

Yeah.

I guess that is too bad.

Look.

Here is my number.

If you need anything... call me.

Maybe it's just me, but I think
that woman's kind of pretty.

Really? I... hadn't noticed.

Too busy thinking about the lawsuit?

Lawsuit?

Jake "The Snake" is
body-slammed to the mat.

He's pinned by Hulk Hogan.

One, two, three... The Hulk wins it.

Man, that Hulk Hogan
is amazing, isn't he?

Woody, the thing is fixed.

Well, that's too bad.
Hulk Hogan can't have children.

It's evolution's loss.

- Hey, everybody.
- Cliff ie, who died?

The old Cliff Clavin,
that's who, Normie.

- Nice threads.
- Thank you, Sammy.

Can I have a little drink there, Woody?

May enough time before Madeline
and I go out to dinner this evening.

Wait a minute.
Are you still seeing each other?

Every day this week, buddy.

Things are getting pretty hot.

Sammy, our relationship
is not based merely on the physical.

He isn't getting any.

I better go check up
on our reservations.

Cliff, I hate to bring up
an ugly subject, but--

That's okay, Sam,
we're already in the area.

Are you still planning
to go through with the lawsuit?

You know how slowly the
wheels of justice grind there, Samuel.

Guess what sap is being suckered
into dropping a lawsuit.

Well, not necessarily now, all right.

Let's just take a look
at all these facts

as complicated as they may be,

and see if we can
come to a conclusion about this.

Okay, let's start
with this gorgeous woman

who is interested in Cliff, all right?

I don't think we have to go any
further than that.

Now, just a second.
I don't think we're really being fair.

Now, let's say if an ugly woman
were interested in Cliff,

would any of us be suspicious?

If a living woman were
interested in Cliff I'd be suspicious.

I got to go along
with Dr. Crane on this.

I can't believe that someone
would actually lie

just to save a lot of money.

Woody, don't help me, okay?

Listen, somebody has
got to tell Cliff the truth.

I guarantee that he'll never talk
to the person who does.

Okay, you talked me into it.

Hey, Hopalong.

Come here. I want to talk to you.

I don't know how to tell you this.

Wait a minute, yes, I do.

You're an idiot.

Everybody in the bar thinks
that babe is playing you for a fool.

I mean, the second you drop
your lawsuit, you're history.

- You are a sap.
- I know.

But I'm having the time of my life.

You know, how often am I sapped
with a beautiful woman?

I mean, I usually am a sap
with the bowsers.

But when Madeline
and I walk into a restaurant,

all the guys' heads, they turn.

And they're not saying, "Hey...

There's a beautiful woman over there
with a sap."

Yes, they are.

Look, all I know is as long as
we're together,

there's a good chance she may grant me
the ultimate favor.

Yeah, right, Clavin.

You're threatening to sue her,
not kill her.

Madeline...

You look ravishing as ever.

Thank you, Cliff.
I thought you would like it.

Like it? if I had better legs,
I'd get one for myself.

Cliff, you're adorable.

We'd better get going.
We have reservations, yeah?

Before we go, I think we need
to sit down and have a talk.

Is something wrong?

Actually, yes.

What is it, Madeline?

Well...

this lawsuit has been
preying on my mind,

and my attorney gave me this.

It's a waiver form.

It releases me from all liability
for the dog bite.

I guess you want me to sign it?

I want you to tear it up.

- I don't understand--
- Please, just tear it up.

When this first began...

I thought I could
get you to drop the lawsuit

if I was nice to you.

But then the funniest thing happened.

I grew to like you... a lot.

But I'll understand if you hate me
for what I was going to do.

I was playing with your emotions
when you've been so honest with me.

I forgive you, Madeline.

No, you're a decent guy, Cliff.
Maybe I just better go.

Madeline, wait. Look, I've-- I've...

Anything you did
doesn't make a difference to me.

You're not just saying that
to make me feel better?

No, I swear it. Scout's honor.

Oh, Cliff.

Doesn't it feel good
to clear the air?

Yeah, it does.

Look, why don't we
forget about the dinner

and rent a room somewhere
and just celebrate our socks off.

Really?

Well, the Ritz
is just around the corner.

Why Cliff, I think
that's a wonderful idea.

Carla, would you be a dear

and cancel dinner reservations
for the Sap party?

We're going to have
Ritz service at the room.

I meant Ritz service at the room.

Can you believe
I said Ritz service at the room?

What I meant was
Ritz service at the room.

Cheers.

Hey, Mr. Clavin, what's new?

Sure thing. Hold on.

Sam, it's for you.

Yeah, Cliff.

Okay Sammy.
Sammy, it's about to happen.

And you stopped to call me?

She's in the john putting on
her best bib and tucker.

Sam, can I make
a small confession?

Sure.

I'm scared.

Well, Cliff, if it's any consolation,
I've seen her, and I'm scared for you.

Oh, my God.

Sam.

Slide over, Cliff.

No, I meant this way, Cliff.

Yes, ma'am.

Now...

...isn't this wonderful?

Yeah.

I wish the guys in the bar
could see this.

Really?

You know, it's just a figure of speech.

They just think that we're together

because you want me
to drop the lawsuit.

Well, they couldn't be more wrong.

No, I know.

I know. It's just...

I wish I could convince them of that.

I know.

If only that silly lawsuit
were out of the way,

I could focus my total attention on you,

taking you to a height of ecstasy
you've never dreamed possible.

I could go for that.

I ripped up that release form
in the bar.

Well, there--

No.

- Unless...
- Unless what?

Unless... no.

No, tell me.

Well, I happen to have another copy
of that release form in my purse.

What a break!

I'm a lucky guy!

You got a pen?

I feel a terrible burden
lifted off my shoulders.

Yeah. Me, too.

What now?

Well, you just lie back.

Yeah?

And close your eyes.

Yeah.

And I'll check
my phone messages.

Excuse me?

Well, I get very distracted
when I haven't checked my messages.

And you don't want me
to be distracted, do you?

Oh, my God!

And then she hung up the phone
and said,

"Cliff, I don't know
how to tell you this,

but my husband's come back."

I mean, she's married all this time
and never told you?

Yeah, it seems that her husband,

a true and gallant soldier
of these United States,

was lost and presumed dead
during some secret mission

out there in the far east.

As it turns out,
he was only wounded,

although he suffered
years of torture.

Somehow he managed
to dig a tunnel

with a pair of chopsticks...

and make his way to a pay phone
and give her a call.

Cliff, this is
an unbelievable story.

Yeah, Sammy, it's unbelievable to me,
and I was there.

She barely had time
to blow me a kiss

and wish me a happy life,
and then she was gone,

like a dream in the night.

What a maroon.

I guess we were like a pair of lovers
who were never meant to be.

Like Romeo and Juliet.

Rhett and Scarlett.

Heathcliff, Cathy.

Heath, Cliff and Cathy.

Isn't that three people, Mr. Clavin?