All language subtitles for Cheers.S05E18.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Hey, Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Hi, Wood. Let me get a beer, will ya?

Oh, say, what did you do
to your thumb there?

Oh, well, it's a long story,

but I was playin'
this guy some pool last night,

and I had this
one-four-seven combination.

I was tryin' to show off
and sink all in one shot,

but the balls were positioned in such
a way that I had to lean over the edge

of the table
and get in a kind of a twisted-up...

- You fell and broke your thumb.
- No. I still couldn't get the shot,

so I went and got the bridge
and I got up on a chair

and I put my weight on the bridge.

It snapped,
you fell and broke your thumb?

No. I made the shot and I beat the guy.

He got angry
and he broke your thumb, right?

No, I beat him fair and square.
He paid me ten bucks he owed me.

- So, how did you break your thumb?
- I slipped on the ice on the way home.

Woody, why did you go into all that
long-winded detail about the game?

Well, it wouldn't have been much
of a story without the pool stuff.

Yo, Woody.

- What happened to your thumb?
- Oh, I slipped on the ice.

Woody, why didn't you
tell him the long drawn-out version?

That's the guy I was playin' pool with.

What the hell is keepin' Diane?
I'm gonna be late for school.

School, Carla?
I'm delightfully astonished.

Adult education is one of the
finest gifts one can give oneself.

Kudos on joining the burgeoning
ranks of enlightened, wondering minds

- seeking betterment through knowledge.
- It's traffic school, you nimrod.

- You got pinched, Carla?
- Yeah, speeding.

But it wasn't my fault.
There was a leaf stuck on my windshield,

and I had to gun her up
to 80 to blow it off.

- The cop didn't believe ya?
- No. Couldn't be bribed either.

Carla, what,
you offered the policeman money?

Money? With a body like this?

Hello, everyone. We're back.

- Sammy, where ya been, man?
- Picking china patterns.

This may have been
the stupidest morning of my life.

Oh, Sam, don't forget.
Tomorrow we register for flatware.

- The second stupidest.
- Did you select something nice?

We've committed to Royal Doulton's
Carlisle for the fine china,

but Sam still hasn't made up
his mind about the everyday ware.

Yes, I have. I like the dishes
with the different colored flowers.

Ish.

Come on, I love those. They're just
like I had when I was a kid.

They're real pretty,

and if you don't like the food on your
plate, you can hide it in the pattern.

Okay, fine.

Well, why don't you think about it

and if you still insist that
they're not the most garish, bourgeois,

stomach-turningly ugly pattern in
the book, then that's what we'll get.

She's makin' me nuts
with this wedding stuff!

So ditch her!

You know, if I had my way, I would
find the nearest justice of the peace

and tie the knot. You know,
that's not such a bad idea.

Right. Or you could ditch her.

- Don't you have traffic school?
- Nuts! Now I'm gonna be late!

Well, I guess I can make it
if I run all the yellows.

- Sam.
- Yeah?

I've got Penelope
from the bridal registry on the line,

and we're going back
over the linen choices.

Now for the fingertip towels
in the guest bath,

do we want monogrammed
or is that too wootsy?

The second thing you said.

I agree.

Of course,
a simple initial can be elegant.

You better look at the picture.
I need a man's opinion.

Frasier, help Diane, will you?

Sam, these will be our fingertip towels
for the rest of our lives.

We'd better get married quick,
or I'm gonna kill her.

All right, all right, that's it.
Bachelor party here, tonight.

- What're you talkin' about?
- Didn't you hear the man?

They might be eloping. And I'm not
gonna be done out of my right as best man

to throw him
the best wingding of the century.

- So, what're we gonna have...?
- Stop, Cliff.

Sam asked you to be his best man?

Well, not in so many words,
but, you know, who's closest? So...

Hold on now. I don't know.

I may not have known Sam
as long as some of you guys,

but we're pretty darn close.
I'm kinda like the brother he never had.

Wait, Woody, Sam has a brother.

Guess we're not as close as I thought.

I think we better throw
the greatest bachelor party

for the greatest bachelor
who ever lived!

I'll pick up some deli platters
and some champagne,

and you guys can just reimburse me
at your leisure. All right?

Why didn't you say so?

We got the food and the drinks taken
care of. We need entertainment.

- Who's gonna entertain?
- I think the tradition calls for...

- What about a stag film?
- Yeah.

There's a place
on my route that might sell 'em.

The Hot and Nasty Video Boutique.

I think there might
be one or two laying around there.

We got the food, drink, entertainment.

Now all we need
is a girl jumping out of the cake.

I've seen 'em do that
in the movies all the time.

That seems like a waste
of good cake to me.

Woody, the cake is really immaterial.

- It's the girl who's the dessert.
- Right.

Then I think
it should be Miss Chambers.

Listen, tractor-boy.

No guy wants his fiancée
jumpin' out of a cake.

It's like takin'
your mother to the prom.

So I'm told.

Okay, okay, okay, so where
can we get Sammy someone hot?

- Dare we look in his book?
- Nah, Sammy's had all those girls.

Sam, stop being such a grumble-bunny.

Just grit your teeth
and pick out a dust ruffle.

I still say we're missin'
a bet under our noses.

Trust me...

That's okay.
Listen, it wouldn't hurt to ask.

- No, no, no, no!
- Don't!

- Excuse me, Miss Chambers?
- Yes, Woody.

Would you like to jump out
of Sam's bachelor party cake?

Woody,

I abhor such juvenile,
sexist male rituals.

Yeah, but would you do it?

Just checkin'.
All right, you're right.

We're gonna have to find some other
beautiful girl to be Sam's dessert.

Wait a minute!

I just realized why you want me,
the bride-to-be,

to jump from the cake.
It's a wonderful irony.

- Of course. I'll do it. Of course.
- Oh, great.

Imagine me, of all people,
missing the point of a joke.

Hey, don't worry about it,
Miss Chambers. It even happens to me.

- Sammy, what time you got there, man?
- 11.15.

11.15. How did it get so late so early?

Better be gettin' home to Vera.

- Oh, yeah.
- I'm pretty beat myself.

It's been a rough week. But anyway...

Yeah, you know what they say: "The early
bird catches the obsessive-compulsive."

'Night, Sam.

They sure took off
in a hurry, didn't they?

Yeah, but that doesn't seem
suspicious to you, does it?

No, I guess not.

Oh, hey, I have an idea.

You go in the back and total these
receipts, and we'll get outta here.

Okay. All right.

Say, Woody, when I come back out here,

there's not gonna be a surprise for me,
is there? A surprise party, maybe?

- No!
- You're not lyin', are you?

Sam, you'd know if I was lyin'.
I'd tell ya.

- Right. I'll be in my office.
- All right.

Come on in, guys.
He didn't suspect a thing!

Come on down, fellas.

Put that banner up there.

Be calm.

In the words of the immortal bard,
"Party!"

Sam, you can go home now.

Surprise!

Wow!

Sam, you should see
the look on your face!

Hey!

Great stuff!

Boy.

That last scene gave me
new respect for rowing machines.

Hey, you guys...

Thank you. This has been fantastic.

I used to think bachelor parties
were kind of embarrassing.

- Hit the lights!
- Oh, God, not...

- Girl in there, right?
- Well...

Just your type.

So make the obligatory speech
and have at her! Yeah!

Oh, no, I can't do it. I...
You know... No.

I know you went to a lot of trouble.
I'm sorry, but it just wouldn't be right.

Come on, Sammy.

King of the road!

Better make hay. After this, it is
one woman for the rest of your life.

Yeah...

I never really thought about it
in those terms before.

One woman for the rest of my life.

I mean, don't get me wrong.
She's a great woman,

but... there's only one of her.

For the rest of my life.

But, you know, it'll go quickly.
Just cut--

Boy, it really makes you think.
I've been a bachelor a good long time.

I mean, a good lot of women.
Now there won't be any more women.

Just woman. One woman.

Yeah, but what a woman!
I mean, you know what?

I've got an idea.
Why don't we have some cake?

One perfume. One set of ear lobes.

Not even sensitive ear lobes.

One pair of lips, flapping in my ears.

Day after day until I die.
Oh, my God!

Sammy, that's great.
We got a big, wonderful cake here.

With a very special surprise inside,

which just might spoil
if you don't shut up!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What am I doing?

If I'm gonna tie myself
to the old ball and chain,

I might as well get
one last night of freedom in here.

Okay, bring her out here.
Strap her on.

Come on. Yeah!

Strap this on!

Sam, you should see
the look on your face!

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Carla, how was traffic school?

- Yeah, it was all right.
- Yeah?

Don't all those gory movies
they show turn your stomach a bit?

Norm, you're forgetting.
I've seen Diane without make-up.

- Hello, everyone.
- Hi.

- Hello, you.
- Let me help you with that. All right.

Boy, you look fantastic.
That is a great outfit on you.

- Sam, you make a lousy sycophant.
- Yes, but I make a great margarita.

May I speak to you in your office?

Anything you want. You bet.
Oh, come on, smile.

For some reason,
I don't feel like smiling.

Did I ever tell you how cute you are
when you're mad?

Come on.
Listen, snap out of this, will ya?

I didn't say all that stuff last night
to hurt your feelings.

My feelings aren't hurt.

I just feel bad for you.

Sentenced to a life with one perfume.

One set of insensitive ear lobes.

One set of lips flapping in your ear...

...till you die.

Come on! I was with a bunch of guys.
They forced me to make a speech.

How the hell did I know my fiancée was
hiding in the cake taking dictation?

- Did you mean it, Sam?
- No.

It's just this whole marriage thing

just kinda snuck up on me, that's all.

I'm happy that you're the
only woman I'll ever make love to again...

...ever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but... you see,

I mean, if I had known that
the last one was gonna be the last one,

I would have prepared myself for it.

Sweetheart, it's kinda like popcorn.

Now you can munch away as long
as you know there's a bowlful,

but if all of a sudden it's all gone,

there's nothin' left
but the salt and the duds,

you feel bad because if you'd known
the last kernel was the last one,

you would have savored it.

Am I making myself clear on this?

Oh, yes, yes. I'm salt and duds.

I don't know.

I don't know what to say
to make this right except I'm sorry.

Would 24 hours of wild, uninhibited,

hedonistic sexual carousing
with anything in a tube top suffice?

In addition to saying I'm sorry?

Sam, you can apologize
till the cows come home,

but it won't alleviate the problem.

After much consideration,
I propose that you go on a flesh binge.

Sow your wild oats.
Get it out of your system.

Savor your last kernel of popcorn.

- Are you serious?
- Absolutely.

It's the only way
we can establish a clean slate.

No guilt, no remorse, no regrets.

So, dive into that little black book
of yours and enjoy.

I threw that dumb thing away
when we got engaged.

I'm sure you have one or two
numbers etched in your memory.

You listen to me.

I'm only gonna agree to do this
because I love you, Diane.

Well, don't do it for me, Sam.

Do it for the health
of our future marriage.

Excuse me, when do my 24 hours begin?

- Right now.
- All right.

- The same as mine.
- Okay. Wait, wait.

- Yours?
- Of course, Sam.

This is the only way we can be sure

that I have all other men
out of my system.

No, no...

Sammy back yet?

Well, T-minus 30 minutes and counting.

I figure right about now,

Sammy's probably
leaning back in bed and smokin'.

I don't remember
ever seein' Sammy smoke a cigarette.

Who said anything about cigarettes?

- The man!
- All right!

- What's the score, Sammy?
- You know he's not the kind of guy

to kiss and tell.
Not that he wastes much time kissin'.

Yeah, you guys know me, all right.

So has anyone heard from Diane?

Not a word. It's been heaven.
Are you worried about her?

I'm not worried.
What makes you think I'm worried?

- What time is it, anyway?
- It's time for you to stop worryin'.

For God's sakes, Sammy,
who'd be stupid enough to touch Diane?

Besides you.

Good point. You know,
yeah, why am I worried about her?

Oh, Rick, you really came through.

Sam! Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam.
Rick was kind enough to drive me to work

when my car broke down.

I knew that.

I just wanted
to give him a thank you shake.

Thank you, thank you.

Maybe I'll take
a rain check on that drink.

- Good luck with your marriage.
- Yes. Thank you.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you, Rick.

Well, I guess I'll just begin my shift.

- Like hell you will!
- Sam! Now, Sam! Sam!

All right, where were you last night?

I was taking full advantage
of my 24 hours.

I looked into the recesses of my heart,

and I realized that I still
had one oat that needed to be sown.

One fantastic oat.

Is that all you think about? Sex.

You know, it's disgusting!

Whatever happened to romance?
To commitment?

Look at you, look at you!
You haven't even changed your dress!

I am wearing this dress again
because I like it.

- It sets off my eyes.
- Yeah, I'll set off your eyes!

You wanna know something?
I had the exact same 24 hours you did,

and I didn't do anything. You know why?
Because I happen to be a one-woman guy.

We got something special going,

and I didn't want to cheapen it,
like somebody else I could mention.

You know,
people could refer to you as a tart.

- How can you say that?
- Easy. Tart!

Tart, tart, tart, tart!

I mean, what else do
you call somebody who didn't go home?

How do you know that?

Because I was idiot enough
to spend the entire night

watching your apartment from my car.
And you did not go home.

Well, you must be exhausted.

That's right! I'm exhausted.
You're damn right I'm exhausted.

Oh, come on, Sam.
Now you had a little catnap around 6am.

Did not.

How'd you know that?

Because I was down the street
in my car watching you watch me.

Oh, my God! You spied on me!
I mean that stinks.

What happened to faith?

What happened... what happened to trust?

God...

Sam!

I took a lover's leap of faith

in granting you sexual carte blanche
for the past 24 hours.

And just as my heart suspected,
instead of gallivanting about,

you spent the whole time spying on me.

I had one last night to go out
and have a great time,

and I blow it.

God, I'm a poor excuse for a stud.

I don't know about that.

We still have
five minutes left in our deal.

Five minutes?

Well, hell,
somebody should have told me that.

Damn it!

- How long did you say we have here?
- Five minutes.

Not enough time. Now come on, Sam.

- We'd better skip to the good parts.
- Come on.

I have to go to work! Sam!