All language subtitles for Cheers.S04E23.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

You go all over town...

There ought to be a law.

- Bunch of meatheads.
- So it's true.

He keeps on talking
even when people aren't there.

Yes, but if no one's there to hear it,
does he really make a sound?

Cliff ie, is it worth my asking
what the problem is?

Yeah, Norm, it's my transmission.

Spend day after day taking it
to garages all over town,

- nobody can fix it.
- Here we go, Cliff ie.

Pierson's Garage, Braintree.

They can fix anything. All right?

Yeah, well, yeah.
Thank you very much, Normie.

You know, my toaster's on the blink.
You think they could fix it?

Well, only if you got one in your car.

See, they're
auto mechanics, Woody.

Oh, great,
it's in the back seat right now.

All right, all right. Take it easy, Norm.

The kid's good, but you can take him.

All right, I have to select
my words rather carefully here.

Woody, they can fix

only those things
that originally came with the car

when you bought it.

As far as I know,
cars don't come with toasters.

Well, mine did.

It was part
of a promotional campaign.

You know, if I'd bought a convertible,
I'd have got a food processor.

Ask for Luis.
He doesn't speak English.

Woody, whisky neat.

Frasier, what are you doing here?
I thought you had a date tonight.

I did, but when I showed up,
she was in the middle of a shower.

Well, couldn't you wait?

It was her bridal shower.

Next time I make a date two months
in advance, I'll call to confirm.

Afternoon, everybody.

- Hey, Sam, how were the mountains?
- It rained all weekend.

Sam, you forgot this.

Yeah, thank you.

In other words, it was great.

Hey, Diane, how you doing there?

How am I doing?

Did you ask me how I'm doing?

No, not me. That was Woody.
He's a ventriloquist.

Why? What's the matter?

- Last week...
- Yeah?

...we were at passion's portal...

...standing on the threshold of a new
and excitingly textured relationship.

We were about to open the door
on a brand-new beginning for us.

Well, I knocked at the door,
but nobody was home,

so I went to the mountains
with the girl next door.

I see.

Apparently last week meant
more to me than it did to you.

Come on, what are you doing here?

Are you saying that even though
we're not really going together,

you want me not to date
anybody else?

It's not what I want, Sam.
It's what you want that's important.

Well, good.
Because what I wanted to do

was go to the mountains
with Andrea.

Very well. Let's just forget
the whole thing.

Oh, come on, Diane.
It was just physical.

I mean, that stuff doesn't
mean anything to me.

Come on, don't you see what I'm
doing here? I'm just honing my skills

for that magical night that you
and I hit the sheets running.

Sam, you and I will couple

when 1,000 ice ages
have come and gone.

All right. How soon
do we get to play touchy-feely?

Lighten up, will you?

- Good evening, citizens.
- Looking a little beat, buddy.

Been staying up late watching
those adult movies on cable again?

Ma put a lock on that channel.

It's my paperboy, Normie.

He's hitting every place
but the front porch.

So I got a little plan worked out now.

All right, get this, 4:30
tomorrow morning in the a.m.,

I'm gonna put on the old
camouflage jacket,

stick a couple of branches
behind my ears,

and duck in the rhododendron bush.

He's smart, but I'm
a little bit smarter.

You talking about the kid
or the rhododendron bush?

I wanna see all my employees
in my office, immediately.

Cheers staff, this means you.
In the office, on the double.

Hey, come on, you heard me.

We didn't hear the magic word.

- Please.
- That's not it.

Come on, Carla,
what's the magic word?

Money. We all want a dollar.

Okay, okay, all right.

Come on, come on, here you go.
Here's one for you. Here you go.

One for you.

One for you.

Whoa, wait, whoa.

What are you trying to do?

- Beat me out of a buck here?
- Sammy.

I'm here out of a fierce sense
of loyalty as your accountant, pal.

And the dollar is your little way
of saying thank you.

Well, thank you for coming.

I want you all to take a look at this
in the newspaper.

It really got me going here.

"Grown Man Lives in Refrigerator"?

No.

No, no. Not that part.

Let me see that.

Oh, my God, look at that.
He's got a TV in there.

Sam, what is this about?

Oh, yeah, all right.

Yeah, column three,
down at the bottom.

"Don Talbot's Locker Room,
Grand Opening."

Yeah, not only that,

Don has got two other pubs
opening the same time.

I mean, he's doing
fantastic business here.

What's this got to do
with the guy in the refrigerator?

Nothing, Woody, nothing.
This has to do with me.

This has to do with my life.

I mean, Don was up
with the Red Sox

for what, a cup of coffee,
for goodness sake.

I was there five years,
and now this clown is a celebrity,

and I'm paying my employees
to come talk to me.

You're gonna be paying us a lot more

unless this conversation
starts getting exciting.

Okay, fair enough.

I brought you in here because
I wanna ask you a question,

what is Cheers missing?

A mechanical bull.

No, Woody, that was
one of those questions you ask

when you don't really want
an answer.

You mean, rhetorical.

Yeah, rhetorical, right.

Anyway, what I'm gonna do here,

is I am gonna come out
from behind the bar,

and I'm gonna become
a full-time manager/host.

A what?

Manager/host.

Yeah, I greet people.

No, it's perfect. I mean, let's face it.
I'm recognized on the street.

So is a fire hydrant.

You see, at the same time, I'll be able
to hustle up some more business,

I'll be able to handle the publicity,
the quality control, handling bookings.

I mean, it's great.

What do you think?

Is that another rhetorical question?

Well, yeah, it is, Woody, actually,
because we're gonna do it.

We're gonna start immediately.

Does that mean
you won't be bartending anymore?

I'm glad you asked that.

Now that I've moved up
to management,

we're gonna have
an opening behind the bar,

and we're gonna need to fill it.

Wait a minute. You know, there was
a guy in here the other day,

had an application.
He was fantastic--

Hey, now wait.
Time out, Sammy.

Does this mean that you're
gonna be hiring

- another full-time bartender?
- Yeah.

I have to advise you,
I think that's unwise.

- You sure?
- I'd stake my career on it.

You're unemployed.

All right, I'll stake your career on it.

You really-- You can't afford yourself
as a full-time host/manager.

No, see, that's the beauty of it.

As manager,
I'll be thinking up new schemes

to bring in more business,

but I'll be so darned charming
as the host,

that people will start bringing in
more friends. It's perfect.

I'll be thinking and charming
all at the same time.

Add chewing gum,
and we can sell tickets.

Sammy, I'm skeptical,

but more importantly, I'm thirsty, so...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thanks for coming in.

Ken, don't forget to run a
handkerchief over those shoes.

Mr. Malone, they're tennis shoes.

Well, don't spend
too long on them then.

Hey, what's with the spread, Sam?

Well, I really topped myself tonight.

I booked a party in here.

The-- Let's see. The Fraternal Order
of the Caribou's sending a group over.

Great.

A group of loudmouthed,
rowdy conventioneers,

drinking like fish,

swearing like sailors,
and putting their paws all over us.

Yeah, happy birthday to me.

- How many are coming?
- Well, I don't know.

They said they're sending over
a whole herd,

so I guess
we're gonna be swamped here.

I just hope we have enough food.
What do you think?

Welcome. I'm Sam Malone,
your host and owner of Cheers.

You may remember me
as Mayday Malone,

the relief pitcher for the Red Sox?

Anyway, I just want you to know
the autographs are free,

but the drinks are gonna cost you.

Make him go away, Neal.

Well, welcome.

Carla, a couple tables over here
you may wanna get to.

Gee, wait on tables.

Is that what a waitress
is supposed to do?

Thanks for the tip, Sam.

Diane, we need a mop
over here, please.

I'll buy the bullets
if you'll pull the trigger.

Shooting is too quick.
I want him to suffer.

Why don't you date him again?

Get it in gear, girls.
We got new customers coming in.

Not if you greet them.

What?

Sam,

this isn't working.

We've done this for a week,

and I haven't seen
any more customers

than there were before you
took over as host.

In fact, there are less.

And you haven't come up
with one good idea

to increase business.

Tonight's different. I've booked
a whole lodge into this place.

I mean, tonight--

Tonight we're making Cheers history here.

A little of the old Malone magic
is beginning to spread.

I could use some of that
on my flowers.

Just--

Well, Woody,

looks like the new man behind the bar
is working out pretty well, huh?

Yeah, he's doing pretty well
considering the pressure he's under.

I mean, after all, working around
a man of my experience

is probably a little bit intimidating.

Good, he seems to be adjusting.

Excuse me, I'm looking
for Sam Malone.

Yeah. Let go of me, you little devil.

Yes, I am. I'm--

- I'm the manager.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

- Well, thank you.
- Fred Anderson.

- Social Director, Caribou Lodge.
- Yeah, right. I got you.

- Well, you ready for us?
- You bet I am.

Great, great.

Come on in, guys. Looks clean.

Gather around, employees,
please. Okay.

Now, next couple hours
it's gonna be hell.

You're gonna be running
your little tushies off.

But tonight, when you put your
head down on the pillow,

you're gonna know it was worth it,
because tonight is the night

that we put Cheers on the map.
Okay, all right.

You guys are the whole lodge?

Yeah, we just got our charter
last week.

You're right, Sam.

We just got on the map.

Cheers, population:
three Caribou, one jackass.

Aren't people like that sad?

Huddled together,

totally lacking confidence
in their own individuality.

And incapable of an original thought.

You know,
as Dr. Bennett Ludlow once said,

"I'll speak no thought but mine own."

All right, I'll admit that things
haven't turned out

exactly the way I planned them,
but it'll be okay.

They'll tell their friends,
and their friends will tell their friends.

Do you have anything else?
I'm allergic to shellfish.

Sammy, I'd face reality if I were you.

You have three guys in bad suits

and enough food
to cater the Crusades.

Next to this, Hula Night
was a smashing success.

All right, it's okay.

I know things haven't gone
exactly great up to this point,

but they will, they will.
I'll think of something.

Hey, skimpy outfits
on the waitresses, Sammy.

- That's not bad.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I don't want people having to look
at something I'm ashamed of.

- You got a lovely body.
- Yeah.

I'm talking about hers.

You see, Sammy,
topless waitresses, scientific fact,

they can deliver drinks faster
than their clothed counterparts.

Just forget it, Clavin.

This is just your slimy way of trying
to cop a look at my tooters.

Well, everything seems to be
running smoothly out here.

Think I'll step in my office
and think up some more ideas here.

I don't wanna be disturbed.

Go away, Diane.

Sam, may I speak to you
for a minute?

This situation isn't working.

Your schemes aren't working,

and you're driving Carla and me crazy,

and if you continue
this entrepreneurial bent of yours,

you're going to bankrupt the bar.

Don't worry about it.
I'll think of something.

Well, I don't know what.

Well, because you don't
have my brain.

Well, whoever has it
should return it.

You need it right now.

Hey, leave me alone, please.

Oh, Sam, I'm sorry.

It's just obvious
what has to happen here.

You have to go back
behind the bar.

I know. I know. I've known it
for a long time.

But why aren't you
doing anything about it?

Well, because doing something
about it means I have to fire Ken.

Right.

- And he's such a nice guy too.
- Yeah, damn it.

All right, I've put this off
long enough.

Go get Ken.
I'll handle this right now,

and I'll do it quickly,
cleanly and painlessly.

Just like a surgeon. Yeah.
Yeah, just like a surgeon.

Very well.

- He's headed this way.
- All right.

I suggest you start
scrubbing up, Dr. Malone.

Sam, you got a minute?

- Yeah, Ken.
- I'd like you to meet my family.

I just want you to know that it was
pretty rough going there for a while,

- for the four of us.
- The five of us.

But thanks to you,
we've turned the corner.

Kids, this is Mr. Sam Malone.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi.

Well, this-- This is very nice, Ken,
but I do need to talk to you.

Oh, yeah, well, all right,
there you go.

Yes, Mr. Malone?

Ken...

...I'm giving you a raise.

That's terrific. Well, thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Malone.

Come on, honey, I want to introduce
you to the others, okay?

Okay. Nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too. You too.

- Come on, children.
- We want to stay with Uncle Sam.

- Is that all right, Sam?
- Sure, sure.

Well, quite an operation, Dr. Malone.

What am I gonna do?

I can't fire Woody.

Well, maybe
if he knew the situation,

he'd wanna go.

Why don't you just explain it to him,

and let him draw
his own conclusion?

Maybe he'll volunteer to leave.

He's such a sweet guy.
I'll bet he will.

Boy, he is a sweet guy.

Of course he will.

Sam, you look quite natural

sitting there with a babe
on each knee.

She's seen babes in my lap before.

Yes, but these know
how to tie their own shoes.

Goodbye, you sweet little cherubs.

I don't like her.

Try dating her.

Sam, you wanted to see me?

Yes, I do, Woody.

Say, you know
Ken's two kids here, don't you?

Yeah, I met them before. Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Yeah. Sit down, Woody.

I called you in here
because I got a kind of problem.

I hope I can help you, Sam.

Well, I hope so too, Woody.

You know, that scheme of mine

to come out
from behind the bar

and be a host/manager
hasn't turned out too well.

Well, that's putting it mildly.

But if it means I'm gonna get you
back behind the bar,

then I can't say I'm sorry.

Well, it does mean

that you're getting me
back behind the bar, Woody,

but the problem is,
I can't afford three bartenders.

You did meet Ken's kids here,
haven't you?

- Yeah, I did. Hi.
- Hi.

So, what it boils down to,
Woody, is

I'm gonna have to let somebody go.

Boy, that's tough, Sam.

Yeah.

You kids are getting
awful heavy here.

Why don't you go sit on old
Uncle Woody's lap there, huh?

There you go. There you go.

Hey, there we go.

Okay, now, Woody, try to follow
me closely on this, okay?

Now, see, I can't fire myself because,
well, I own the place.

- Well, that makes sense.
- Yeah.

So that means

either you or Ken,

the father of these two kids.

You get
what I'm saying here, Woody?

- No.
- I do. I do.

No, no, no.

Listen, maybe you kids
ought to go now, huh?

Thank you. Bye-bye,
sweetheart, bye-bye.

You're firing me, Sam.

Woody, I-- Boy, I don't know
what to say here, man.

Leave Cheers.

You know, I always thought

this job was just too good
to keep forever.

Well, I understand.

You know, I'm young and unattached,

and I can afford to be
out of work more than Ken.

- You are the sweetest guy I know.
- You are too, Sam.

Whoa, what are we doing here?

This doesn't have to be
a big goodbye.

I'll help you find another job,

and if Ken ever leaves,
you'll be first in line.

I appreciate that.

Woody--

No, I know what
you're gonna say, Sam.

Really? I don't.

Well, it would have been great.

I'll see you, Sam.
I'm gonna go get my things.

Oh, boy.

Sam, this has gotta be the
strangest night of my life.

Yeah, it must be
something in the air.

Boy, I don't even know
how to bring this up, but...

Well, there was a guy
sitting at the bar,

said he was from the Harvard Club.

Wait a minute. Here's his card.

Anyway, he said he
liked the cut of my jib,

and he asked me
if I wanna go and work for him.

Now the money he's offering
would be hard to turn down.

- Sam?
- Woody!

I swear to uphold
the bylaws of the lodge

and to defend
the dignity of the herd.

Woody, Woody, Woody. Wait, wait,
wait, man. Wait, wait, wait.

Listen, there's somebody
in the bar here,

somebody from the Harvard Club,
who wants to hire Ken,

so you don't have to leave.

I mean, just get back
behind the bar, man.

God. What a relief.

Wait a minute, Sam.

What?

What do you think I am?

I got fired from a job that
means more to me

than anything else in the world,

and you want me to just come
walking back in here

because Ken wants to leave?

Well, I can't do that.

Listen, I need you.

Please, isn't there anything
I can do to change your mind here?

- Hundred-dollar-a-month raise?
- Hundred dollars?

No, no, Woody, wait, wait.

I need you.

Yeah, okay, a hundred bucks.

- It's a deal.
- Yeah.

All right.

Boy, yeah, you know,
you really surprised me here. I--

You're a pretty tough negotiator.

Yeah, Sam, boy, I know you think
I'm just a country bumpkin.

And the Boyd family
may not be too sharp

about a lot of things.

I mean, we don't
know much about math.

We don't know much
about science.

We don't know much
about politics.

We don't know much
about medicine.

We don't know much
about world affairs,

but I'll tell you, there's something
we're pretty darned sharp about.

What's that?

What were we talking about?

Machinery.

We don't know much
about machinery.

I'll tell you, my uncle, he lost his arm
in some kind of contraption--

Oh, you're kidding me.

Wait a minute.

- What? What?
- I remember.

We were talking about money.

That's right. That's right.

We were talking about your
$50-a-month raise.

Sam, it was 100 a month.

But you know, I'll tell you.

I think 100 a month is too steep.

- I'll settle for 30 a week.
- You got it.

Host/manager extraordinaire.