All language subtitles for Cheers.S04E14.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Woody, let me have a CC, rocks...

Something with a twist and whatever
else table ten was drinking.

Boy, your batteries
are running low there, Carla.

I got two sick kids,
kept me up half the night.

The neighbor's dog went into heat
at 5:00 this morning.

And I am in the middle
of a double shift here.

Well, on the bright side,
you look like hell.

Oh, dear. I think this calls
for drastic measures.

- G-6?
- Yeah.

Oh, no. Not G-6.

And leave it off.

Good lord, Sam,

have you been swimming laps
in that cologne of yours?

No, I just dropped the bottle
all over the floor in there.

Another $2.50 down the drain.

Oh, the big bottle.

Hey. Look, The Three Musketeers
is coming on in ten minutes.

- All right.
- Oh, good for you two.

Excellent choice.

Of course, there's no substitution
for the Dumas pére novel.

But all in all it wasn't
a bad translation into film.

You better believe it.
I love all that dueling.

Yeah, and the best part
is when Curly

backs into that guard's sword
and makes that "boing" sound.

What makes me think we're
not talking about the same film?

- She probably likes Shemp.
- Right.

Is it possible that occasionally
you people might spend an afternoon

doing something that actually
involves intelligent thought?

- Like what?
- I can't conceive.

And we can all breathe
a sigh of relief for that.

Actually, just observing people
can be very interesting.

Don't you ever make up little stories
about the people you see in the bar?

Nope.

Well, for example,
this couple over here.

What's their story?

That's a guy and a girl
having a drink. Fascinating.

Come on, you can do better than that.
Just use a little imagination.

Okay, that's a guy...

...and a naked girl having a drink.

That's funny, right?

No kidding, fellas.
That was really nifty.

I appreciate you taking me.

Where did they take you, Woody?

Well, we watched the
Greater Boston Women's 10K run.

I should've known.

No, now wait a minute.
Hold on there, Diane.

We happen to think it's inspiring

to watch a bunch of women
excel in a sport

from which only until recently
they've been barred from competing.

Well, I'm sorry, Clifford.
I guess I misjudged you.

Besides, there wasn't
a bra on the field.

It was an awfully chilly morning,
if you know what I mean.

More coffee for Chuckles.

Who?

That guy over there.

Haven't you noticed him?

He's been sitting there
for a couple hours

drinking coffee and staring at us.

So, what's the problem?

I'll tell you what's the problem.
He doesn't smile. He doesn't talk.

He looks at me like I'm not there.

You'd think I'd slept with him
or something.

So what?
He's not bothering anyone.

He's bothering me.

He gives me the creeps.

Look. See that?
He's writing something down.

- Now, what do you think he's up to?
- Come on.

For all we know,
he's writing down a shopping list.

Well, here's the perfect chance
for us to play our little game.

Oh, yeah? What game's that?

Well, we were just fantasizing
about customers in the bar,

making up little stories about them.
Two beers, Woody.

Well, he's probably a writer
or a poet or something.

Oh, that's very good.

What do you think
he's writing, Woody?

Well, I hope he's not writing
about a boy and his dog

who roam through the countryside
doing good deeds and drinking beer.

Why?

Because that's the story I'm writing.

He's still looking at us.

So, what's the big deal? As long
as he's minding his own business.

That's just it, Sam.
He's not minding his own business.

It's like he's spying on us.

See that? He just wrote
something else down.

There's an easy way
to figure out what he's up to.

- Somebody just go ask him.
- Oh, let me.

All right.

I'm from the Midwest, and we have
kind of a down-home charm

that makes people
kind of open up to us.

Howdy. I'm Woody Boyd
from Hanover, Indiana.

That's the place mat capital
of the world.

My mother's name's Margaret
and my father's name's Edgel.

My favorite color is blue
and I've saved all my baby teeth.

How about you?

Go away.

What'd you find out?

I've lived kind of a dull life.

Look, what's he doing now?

I'd say he's fixing a cigarette lighter
of some sort.

Yeah. Yeah. Perhaps
to the terminally naive.

Those of us in the know can spot

a highly sensitive
Rolleiflex espionage camera.

Yep. Yeah, look, he's taking pictures
of us right now.

Oh, come on, man.

Just because he looks
like a spy and acts like a spy,

it doesn't mean he is a spy, does it?

I think it pretty much does, Sam.

Well, it certainly isn't unheard of

for an individual to come
under some sort of surveillance.

As soon as you get into a computer

hundreds of organizations
have information

about every aspect
of your personal life.

- Wow, really?
- Yes.

In fact, you could be bugged
right now.

Well, now that you mention it,
I am a little ticked, but I guess...

You don't suppose
this guy's with, like, the CIA

- or FBI or anything, do you?
- Could be.

Or he may be...

All right, I'll say it.

He may be with the KGB.

Come to think of it,
this guy does kind of have

a detective look about him.

All right, let's go over the four things
we know about him:

He's been here since we opened,

he's not drinking,
he's not waiting for a table upstairs.

Actually, that's only three.
Anybody else know anything?

You're an idiot.

That would be four then.

You know, if he's a detective,
he's obviously after one of us.

If it was anyone else, he would've
followed them right out the door.

We're the only ones who have
been here the whole time he has.

Look, I got an idea.

I'm gonna go call him
on the phone and distract him.

Cliff, you go see what he's been
writing about us, and don't get caught.

Oh, no, don't worry about that.

Even if he does,
he won't get anything out of me.

You don't know anything.

Cheers.

Yeah, who may--?
Who may I say is calling?

Excuse me, sir, phone for you.

- Who is it?
- They didn't say.

Take a number.

Five.

Oh, they hung up. Probably call back.

Man.

He didn't even take a phone call.
This is getting weird.

All right. Look, we gotta go to
some private place and have a huddle.

All right, how about my office.

Sam, aren't you forgetting
about your cologne?

Come on, would you?
It's had all day to wear off.

Okay. We'll give it
a few more minutes.

The ladies' room. He's never
gonna walk in on us there.

Don't you think that'll look
a little weird?

Well, not if we go in one at a time
so he doesn't notice.

Woody, cover the bar.

I think we could've spaced it out
a little better.

Okay, if anybody here

knows any reason
why their personal conduct

should be coming
under investigation,

I hope they have enough hormones
to step forward and say so.

Okay.

Okay.

I'll bet it's Woody.

Come on, man. That's crazy.

Why, Sam?

The fact that he's not here to defend
himself makes him the perfect choice.

Well, yeah, there's that.

But, also...

Well, what do we know
about Woody, huh?

I mean, he comes in here
off the street out of nowhere.

Sam gives him a job.
No résumé, no nothing, huh?

For all we know, he could be
in cahoots with that guy.

I say Woody's a plant.

Only from the neck up.

Come on, Cliff.

Think about it. Woody?
I mean, you're a little off base here, pal.

- Oh, am I?
- Yeah.

Well, he just might've infiltrated
the bar to keep tabs on you, Norm.

Me? What for?

Oh, he's just saying you
hypothetically.

- Well.
- Not really.

What's that supposed
to mean, Cliff?

Think I'm some sort of
crooked accountant, is that it?

No, no, no, Norm. I'm just...

...postulating the possibility there
that the IRS

might think your accounting's
a little creative.

Oh, yeah? Creative, huh?

I say the guy might be
a postal investigator, Cliff.

You haven't bought a stamp
since the Johnson administration.

And I'm talking about Andrew, pal.
Andrew Johnson.

Take that back right now.
I've been a postman for 11 years.

- Relax. Take it easy.
- Oh, sure, relax.

From
Mr Love-Them-and-Leave-Them here.

For all we know, he's sniffing out
a paternity suit on you.

Oh, come on.

I think we might be getting
a little carried away.

And this from the woman
who toured Europe on her back.

That's it. That's it!

The guy's upsetting my customers
and my business.

I'm gonna go find out
what he's doing.

Sam.

Sam.

Please.

I know. I know.
You guys are trying to talk me out

of making those charitable
contributions,

but somebody's gotta do it.

Hey, buddy...

Listen, what's your story here?

- You come in here and you--
- Sam.

He's a friend of mine.

- You know this guy?
- Yes.

Thank you, Irving.
You may leave now.

- Sure. See you in class.
- Okay.

We went zooey
over a guy named Irving?

He's a member
of my psychology class.

He's assisting me in a little
experiment about paranoia.

What do you mean, "experiment"?

Well, the idea was to introduce
a foreign element into an established,

secure environment in order
to observe the ensuing behavior.

I, for one, found it extremely
interesting and highly educational.

Didn't all of you find it extremely
interesting and highly educational?

Anybody?

Oh, come on. Don't get mad.

It's silly to get mad.

Diane, we don't get mad.

Pardon me, Diane.

Excuse me, is there anything
on my back, like a "kick me" sign?

- No.
- Thank you.

For several days I've been expecting
the people here to get back at me

for something I did.

I brought a man in...

Wait a minute.
Why are you so curious?

Just do your crossword
and mind your own beeswax.

Oh, hey, Miss Chambers.

I stopped into the bakery on the way
in to work and I got some muffins.

Would you like one?

Oh, here it is. Muffins?

Yeah, blueberry or bran.
Which one do you want?

Which one do you want, Woody?

I'll take the blueberry, I think.

No, no. I'll take the blueberry.

Okay.

Wait.

It's okay with you that I take
the blueberry? Then I want the bran.

Sure, Miss Chambers. Enjoy it.

I just love the feel of warm muffins
in the morning.

You a little nervous or something?

Me, nervous? I'm not nervous.
I'm not a bit nervous.

I'm positively placid.

- Hello, everyone.
- Oh, Frasier.

Thank God you're here.
What took you so long?

I came as soon as I got
your message.

- Well, I called your office hours ago.
- Well, I'd stepped out to Denver.

Well, if I'd known
you were out of town

I would never have expected you
to come here.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't be silly. Listen,
I was fed up with Denver anyway.

Breathtaking mountains,
wide-open spaces,

that hauntingly beautiful woman that
kept coming onto me in the ski lodge.

Oh, good. Well, as long as
you're here, I wanna talk with you.

Woody, there's a little bit
under that chair.

Diane, I've dreamed of this day.

Oh, Frasier.

I hope you didn't misinterpret
my message

as a wish to rekindle our romance.

No, of course not.

This is Tuesday, right?

When I said I dreamed of this day,
I meant I dreamt of Tuesday.

Listen, I am very proud of the fact
that I am completely over you.

Now, what is it?

Well, the other day
I was conducting an experiment

for my Behavioral Sciences Colloquium.

- I brought a man in.
- Man. What man?

A classmate. Oh, never mind.

The point is that I played
this harmless trick on them,

and now they're going
to get back at me.

At first I approached it
with my usual good humor,

but now I find I'm obsessed.
I need your help.

Well, I think one or two sessions
should clear it up.

Oh, Frasier, I don't want counselling.
I want you to spy on them.

Get close to them. Find out what
heinous revenge they have planned--!

Diane, look at yourself.

No wonder you're such easy fodder
for their little pranks.

Look, the problem is
you take everything so seriously.

Take it from me, who used to do
the same thing, it's not worth it.

I'm much happier now
that I let things bounce off of me.

Now that I'm happy-go-lucky
Frasier Crane.

Frasier, you're right.
I do take things too seriously.

I need to lighten up a little.

Great. Now that we've
taken care of that,

do you think there's any chance
that you'll ever love me again

before I lie moldering in the grave?

Oh, I'm joking, of course.

It's just another example
of my devil-may-care attitude.

Well, you've been a big help.
Thank you.

Diane, there's somebody
here who wants to talk to you.

- Yes?
- Miss Chambers,

I'm Martin Gallagher, WLBD,
public broadcasting.

One of your professors at the
university sent us some of your poetry.

And we thought you'd make
a wonderful guest

for our program,
Boston's Working Poets.

- Really?
- Yes.

- You want me to appear on television?
- Yes.

- Well, I'm honored.
- Well, you should be.

- Isn't that great?
- Oh, yes, it's really...

...unbelievable.

Why don't you tell me
a bit more about your show.

Well, the concept is part-time poets

in their working habitat
reading their own verse.

- Won't that be exciting?
- Why, yes.

Little old me on television.
My, my, my.

- Well, when do we get started?
- Well, would right now be all right?

Your Mr. Malone
has kindly offered his poolroom.

Well, wasn't that nice of him?

I guess right now would be perfect,
wouldn't it?

- Well, good.
- Let me show you where to set up.

So nice of you to drop by Cheers
where I serve the public many beers.

This is it.

Are you sure?

I doubt if the collective intelligence
of them

could devise
this complicated a ruse.

I'm absolutely sure.

They expect me to give
a sensitive rendition of my poetry.

And then at some future date

they'll play it back while they swill beer
and throw spitwads at the screen

and make unpleasant animal noises.

Well, I'm not going to fall for it.

- I have a little surprise for them.
- Now, that's the spirit.

Oh, Diane, what a couple
we'd have made.

Two irrepressible zanies.

Wow, Miss Chambers, what kind
of poetry are you gonna recite?

You too, Woody.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave
when first we practice to deceive.

Well, I hate to burst your bubble,
but I've heard that before.

- We're ready for you, Miss Chambers.
- Yes, I'm sure you are.

- And I'm ready for you.
- Good. You just stand over here.

Aren't you going to give me
a clever introduction?

Oh, we'll dub that in later.

- Oh, why didn't I think of that?
- And roll camera.

As soon as you're ready,
Miss Chambers, just begin.

Well, I would like to begin
with one of my favorites,

and I hope you'll like it too.
It's called "Ode to a Cornish Hen."

Sam, if you have an ounce
of humanity, turn that off.

What did you think
you were doing up there?

- I didn't think it was a real show.
- Are you kidding me?

I mean, who would make up
something that boring?

Well, I thought you did.

I thought it was a joke.

I figured that you set it up
to get back at me

because of my psychology
experiment.

What a great joke.
I wish we had thought of that.

I can't think of it now.

I made an absolute ass of myself.

Oh, come on, Diane. Lighten up.
It wasn't that bad. It really wasn't.

Heck, no. I've known chickens
who can't do that as well as you.

Hey, hey, come on.
It's no big deal.

Nobody watches that stuff.

It's not just the show.

After I filmed that thing,
I felt kind of good

thinking that you guys
had gone to all that trouble

to get back at me
like you would with each other.

And I was thinking of myself
as one of the gang,

and now I don't know whether
I'm more disappointed at that

awful display on television

or the fact that you still
think of me as an outsider.

Oh, boy.

I'm sorry if...
I don't know what to say...

Go into my place, lie down.
Take as much time as you want.

- Feel better.
- Thank you, Sam.

I love you guys!