All language subtitles for Cheers.S04E13.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

- Hello, everyone.
- Hey.

Oh, come on, what kind
of a greeting is that?

When Norm comes in, you all yell,
"Norm," make a big fuss over him.

Is it asking too much for me to get
the same treatment once in a while?

- She's right. Try it again, sweetheart.
- Yeah. Thanks.

- Hello, everyone.
- Norm!

That's better.

- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm!

- How's life, Mr. Peterson?
- I'm waiting for the movie.

Normie, you're in early tonight.

Yeah, I wanted to talk to you guys
before this evening.

What's this evening?

Well, I'm meeting a prospective
client and his wife here.

He runs a huge dairy. He's looking for
someone to take care of his books.

All right. He wants to squeeze a little
bit more out of his taxes there, huh?

That's a very funny joke, Mr. Clavin.

- You got any udders?
- "Udders."

All right, guys. This is exactly
the kind of sparkling wit

that I'm talking about, okay?

Now, it's really important
that I impress these people,

so I'd appreciate it if you'd kind of
leave me alone with the Brubakers.

Yeah, yeah. Listen to the man, fellas.

Don't worry, Normie,
I'll keep them away from us.

All right, Cliff, that last comment
was specifically addressed to you, okay?

What are you saying, Norm?

What, you're ashamed
of your best friend, huh?

Afraid I'm gonna embarrass you?
Afraid I'm gonna be a big bore?

Thanks for understanding, Cliff.

All right. All right, Norm,
my lips are sealed.

I'm mute. You won't hear another word
out of me on any subject.

How did you do it?

Sam, I'm going to have to take
a couple hours off this evening.

Wait a minute. Our absentee
waitress strikes again?

What is it this time, bleach-bag?

Hey, hey. Carla, do you mind?
I'm the employer here.

I'll handle this.
What is it this time, bleach-bag?

I volunteered to work the first two-hour
shift on an auction for public television.

- You'll be on TV? No kidding, huh?
- Yeah.

They're selling off celebrity belongings
from the Boston area.

We have a baton that Leinsdorf used,
a letter from Henry Cabot Lodge--

- And nothing from Sam Malone?
- Come on.

Not such a crazy idea.

As a matter of fact, some fellows
named Yastrzemski, Bobby Orr,

- something like Havlicek...
- Yeah.

...have donated their athletic
accoutrements.

Would you be interested, Sam?

Come on. I mean,
I was a good athlete,

but, I mean, those guys
are superstars.

Well, to some of us,
you are too, Sammy.

Yeah, Sam, you may not have been
out there as long as those guys,

but you were loved.

- Please. Please.
- Go ahead. Don't be embarrassed.

No, no. I mean, please, a little louder.
The rest of the bar didn't hear.

- Then you'll do it?
- Yeah, if it's for a worthy cause,

I guess I could give them
my old jersey.

You know, old number 16.
Yeah, I'm gonna do it.

I'll make a call, and--
You know, I'll tell you what.

If this sells, maybe I could give them
some more of my athletic equipment.

While you're at it, Sam, why don't you
give them one of your old jockstraps.

No. Too many memories.

Now, come on, all you baseball
fans out there. Our celebrities--

Hey, Sam, have they sold
your jersey yet?

Are you kidding? It's been on sale
for half an hour.

Sam's fans are probably clogging
the switchboard.

Come on, Carla, let's not
get carried away here.

- Mr. Brubaker?
- Peterson?

Yes, Norm Peterson. Yes. Hi.

- This must be the lovely wife.
- Yes.

How do you do, ma'am.

Well, come on in, folks.

We have just a few moments
till our table's ready upstairs.

And we can just have a drink here
and get acquainted.

Just have a seat, folks.
This is Cheers.

I think you'll find it a friendly, warm,
pub-like atmosphere.

I hate bars.

Well, I think they should
be abolished, actually.

But we just have to be here
a few moments.

Then we can go on upstairs
and strap on the old feedbag.

- There are a lot of things I can't eat.
- Yes, we're both very careful.

Well, I have a very sensitive
stomach myself, so...

Good news. We just got in those
taco-flavored pork rinds you love so much.

Friendly serving wench, you know.

Now, come on, all you
baseball fans out there.

I'm sure one of you wanna
make a bid on this

priceless piece of baseball
memorabilia

donated by ex-Red Sox star
Sam Maloney.

- That's "Malone."
- Oh, yes. Thank you for that.

Perhaps we should meet
some of our volunteers now.

- And what is your name, miss?
- Diane Chambers.

I was just giggling
with one of our callers over a joke

- that I'd love to share with you, Bob.
- Well, please.

How many Surrealists does it take
to screw in a light bulb?

- How many?
- The fish.

I guess Surrealistic humor
isn't your cup of fur.

Mr. Brubaker, would you tell me
a little bit about the dairy game?

I've always felt it must
be really fascinating.

Really? Why would you think that?

I...

Because of all the different products.

You have, you know, your milk,
cheese and...

Now, we still have yet to receive
a single offer for this

authentic old baseball shirt.

Double-stitched. A very nice garment,
even if you're not a baseball fan.

- I have a bid, Bob.
- You do? How much?

- A hundred dollars, Bob.
- Wonderful.

Well, there's a very generous offer.
Going once, twice, sold.

- Yeah!
- All right! Yeah.

That's not too bad.
A hundred big ones.

- Yeah, way to go, Sam.
- Mayday's back, huh?

I just feel good to be able to do
something to help out quality television.

I think maybe we should start
watching this station more often.

Well, enough of this pledge break.
Let's get back to our program.

Hydro-Mulching:
How Much? How Soon?

Okay, wrestling.

- Hi, Sam. I'm back.
- Hey, get in here.

So, what'd you think, huh?
Hundred bucks.

That's not too bad, is it?

Yes, the station asked me
to convey their appreciation

- to you for helping them out.
- Oh, well, I was glad to.

I mean, that's my favorite station.

- It is?
- Yeah, yeah.

I especially like those two guys
that talk about the day's events.

- MacNeil, Lehrer?
- No, no. Bert and Ernie.

Oh, wait a minute. Unless...
Maybe that's their last names.

- Could be.
- Anyway, listen.

I was thinking maybe I should donate
a few more of my baseball treasures.

You know, like,
I got some hats in here.

- No.
- Sam. Sam.

- I really don't think that's necessary.
- Oh, hey, listen.

We got 100 bucks for my jersey.

We could be looking at a thou
for the whole Sam Malone package.

Let me just call these folks here.

I bought the jersey.

- You did?
- Yes, I did.

Well, I know you don't like
to sleep alone,

but why didn't you come to me?

I couldn't bear just seeing it sit there
and nobody bidding on it.

I felt sort of responsible,
and the station let me buy it.

Well, why'd you do that? I mean,
you barely gave it a chance, really.

What difference does it make?
It's over.

The station has their money,
and you have your jersey back.

Well...

No, I want you to take that back.

Truth is, I haven't thought
about baseball in a long time.

Seeing that jersey up there
with all those great athletes' stuff

just, you know, kind of got
my juices going again.

Come on, take it back.
It'll sell. I know it will.

- Come on.
- Okay, Sam. Sure.

- Maybe it will.
- Yeah.

- Maybe I responded prematurely.
- Thank you.

I'll leave it up there until it sells
or ends up on Mr. Bobo's table.

There you-- There you go.
That's the spirit.

Diane? Can I...?

- Yes, Sam.
- I'm sorry, whose table?

Mr. Bobo's table.

- What's that?
- That's where things are put

when they aren't sold.

- Well, then what happens?
- You don't wanna know.

Yes, I do. Tell me.

In the last ten minutes of the telethon,
a chimpanzee, Mr. Bobo,

draws viewers' names
out of a coconut,

and they give the things away.

You mean that egghead
station of yours

lets some dumb animal choose
who gets the prizes?

That 'dumb animal,"
as you called him,

was part of a language experiment
at Cornell University.

He has a vocabulary of 500 words.

Five-- Oh, come on, Diane,
I find that completely...

- I'd better hurry.
- Yeah, hurry.

Wait. Dubious! Yeah, dubious.

Volunteers are standing by
to take your calls...

Sam, I'm getting a little worried.
Nobody's made a bid on your jersey

- since they put it back on sale.
- It's only been an hour.

They just gotta give it a chance,
that's all.

--Keep this station alive.
Oh, and look who's here.

It's Mr. Bobo. Isn't he impressive?

We'll be seeing more of Mr. Bobo
in the later stages of our auction.

Thank you for stopping by, Mr. Bobo.

You know, all of a sudden,
I don't think I can stick it out

and watch that old jersey sell.

I'm getting kind of sentimental.

Just wish somebody would
buy the damn thing.

Oh, what are you worried about?

There are thousands of baseball fans
out there who remember Sam Malone

and who would kill to have
a souvenir of him.

Carla, from your lips to God's ears.
I think somebody's making a bid there.

Well, this is interesting.
We have a lady on the phone

who wants to buy old number 16
here for the sum of $200.

All right, huh?

That's just wonderful.
I'm going to tell Sam personally.

No, no. No check. I'll pay cash
and pick up the jersey later.

Damn.

- It's all right. I don't blame you.
- Yeah.

After all, we both had the same fear,
that it wouldn't sell,

and you'd be humiliated.

Shamed.

- Disgraced in front of...
- Thank you. Thank you.

You know, they used to cheer
when I walked out of the bullpen.

I mean, just the sight of old
number 16 would start them off.

Now, see, those were great days.

Yes, they were. But you have
more great days ahead.

You have a real job now, and friends.

And you've got your health.

God, that's low.

- What is?
- The health crack.

- Well, all I meant was...
- I know what you meant.

That was pity talking. You don't tell
somebody they still have their health

unless what you mean is
that's all they've got.

- Forget I said it.
- No, I'm not gonna forget it.

You told me I had good health.
I'm not gonna take that.

- Sam, you're sick.
- It's too late to make up.

You know something?
You were pitying me,

and if there's one thing
I can't stand from you, it's pity.

You know, what the hell. I'm gonna
put that jersey back in the auction.

- And it's gonna sell.
- Well, I hope it does.

No, it's gonna sell because
I said it's gonna sell.

Thank you very much for reminding
me that I have a little self-respect left.

That I have some pride
in who I am. Hello?

I'd like to return that
young man's jersey.

And so the woodchuck says
to the lumberjack,

"I was talking to the log."

I never much cared for jokes
in which animals speak.

- Let's go.
- No, no. Neither do I.

I used that as a kind of awful joke
a mediocre accountant might use.

Can we have some coffee?
What do you say?

No, thank you. It keeps me awake.

Well, I can see why you
wouldn't want that.

No, sir. Come on. We haven't
discussed business at all, sir.

I really think we ought to just have a
spot of something. What do you say?

- Well, I'd like a glass of water.
- Specialty of the house.

Come on, sit down. Sit down,
and I'll just run up to the bar

and get it myself.
It'll be much quicker that way.

Just keep the old party going,
you know.

Cliff. Man, I'm in Death Valley
over here.

Help me out. Woody,
give me a glass of water.

Just help me out, will you?
Just come on over and just talk a little bit.

Who, me, Norm? The laughingstock,
windbag, the boob?

All right, I'm really sorry for whatever
I may have said this afternoon.

I just didn't know
what these people would be like.

Oh, yeah? What are they like, Norm?

They're like...

Like dead people without the rouge.

Sorry, Norm. Can't help you out.

All right, there's something
you should know.

Listen, I found out over dinner
that both their fathers were postmen.

Postal brats?

Normie, Normie, Normie,
you should have said so.

Stand aside, me bucko,
and I'll take care of the rest.

So your parents wore the colors, huh?

Well, I didn't follow my father
into the service. And Henry's in milk.

Oh, well, that explains
the lovely complexion.

- Well, thank you.
- Oh, yeah, yours too.

So, you know, speaking of milk,
here's a little-known fact.

The cow was domesticated
by the Mesopotamians.

- Oh, no.
- Yeah, that's right.

In fact, it wasn't originally
a milk-bearing animal. Oh, no.

It was originally used as a guard animal
for the Chinese emperors

during the Chung King dynasty.

Just when you think
you know an animal.

Well, allow me to elucidate.

Thank you, Norm.
Get me a beer, will you?

Yeah. Theory was that the intruder
would step on a cow pie...

- How we doing?
- Great.

- They keep talking about your jersey.
- Really?

And still no bids
for the jersey time forgot.

- Donations can be made by check...
- I'd make a big donation

if I could go a couple of rounds
with that guy.

Sam, would you relax? I'm your
biggest fan, I'm not worried.

That jersey is gonna sell,
and for a wad.

- You think so?
- Absolutely. Money in the bank.

Just stop doubting yourself
and trust me.

You're right. What am I doing?

Woody, how much have we raised?

We got $116 and a pledge
for a quart of buttermilk.

What are you do--?
What's going on?

Oh, Sam, we're just trying to help.

Well, I don't need your help.

Nobody goes near the telephone.
You hear me? Nobody.

Well, I think we're gonna
have to move on.

I'm afraid we're gonna have to take
the Malone jersey off the bidding table

to make room for this ingenious
potato-powered clock.

We'll be seeing more of the jersey
on Mr. Bobo's portion of the show.

One of the things folks love
about public television

- is the fact we show no commercials.
- Sam, I'm sorry.

That's okay. Well.

This is it, huh? The end of an era.

Well, maybe I can finally put my
career in perspective.

Enjoy it for what it was.

I was a small player in a big town.
But that's okay. That's okay. I had--

I had some laughs, some good times,
some bad times.

And now, I guess I'm no longer
Sam Malone, ex-baseball player.

I'm Sam Malone,
ex-ex-baseball player.

Just an average guy
doing an average job.

That's something I can be proud of.

Hold everything. We've had a $300 bid
on Sam Malone's jersey.

All right! Oh, I own this burg!

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Sam...

Did any of you do it?

Come on, just admit it
if you did it. Please.

Honest, Sam. Nobody here bought it.

Hey, do you think we have enough
for that potato-powered clock?

They bought my jersey.
Three hundred bucks.

Sammy, I got a great idea.

Why don't you call, have that guy
who bought it come here.

- You could autograph it for him.
- You can take pictures,

- send them to the newspaper.
- That's a good idea.

It's a terrible idea. Sam, don't you see
what's happening?

- What?
- This is a last desperate grasp

- at glory that you just said was over.
- Oh, come on. Lighten up, will you?

Do you have to take the fun
out of everything?

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. You do.

You're a delight, Clifford.

Oh, enchanté, Enid.

Drive carefully, huh?

What? What? Where are they going?
Where are they going?

Henry's gotta get up
early in the morning,

and Enid's sciatica's flaring up again.

Oh, what that woman endures.

Forget her, what about me?
Did I get the job?

Oh, jeez, Norm.
Norm, I forgot to ask.

Hey, look, don't worry.
I'll bring it up this weekend.

This weekend?

Yeah, they invited me up to the farm.

Forty-eight hours of Charades,
food and Yahtzee.

- Sam Malone?
- Yeah. Hey, everybody.

- I want you to meet a Mayday fan.
- I'm Bert Simpson.

Bert, hi. Sam Malone. Oh, Diane,
come on over here and meet Bert.

- Hello, Bert.
- How are you?

Well, this must be pretty thrilling
for you.

- Did you see me pitch at Fenway?
- No.

- Caught me on the tube then, huh?
- Not really.

Actually, I've never heard of you.

But to tell the truth, I wouldn't know
a baseball from a meatball.

Boy, catch me having spaghetti
at his house.

Why don't you just let me sign
that thing for you,

and you can get the hell
out of here.

I have no interest in that.
I thought you might like it back.

Why did you buy it
if you didn't want it?

Oh, frankly, it was
getting on my nerves.

I mean, the thing kept coming back.

Finally I said to myself,
"It's for a worthy cause.

Put the damn thing
out of its misery."

Excuse me.
Can I see you in my office?

Gee, Sam, I'm awfully busy
right now.

No hurry. Whenever you have
a minute.

- Now, Sam...
- Relax, relax. What's the matter?

You're upset. You're humiliated.

And you're angry.

This shirt thing has been an emotional
roller coaster for you,

and you want someone on whom
to vent your frustration.

Come on, take a look at me.
Do I look upset? Do I look angry?

- Then why'd you drag me in here?
- Well, because I know

that you were just dying
to call me a big dope.

- No. Not me.
- Yeah.

I thought I'd give you a chance
to do it privately.

- I see what you're doing.
- What?

You want an excuse to blow up
and let it all out so you'll feel better.

And you want me to provide the excuse.
Well, I'm not falling for that.

I am not gonna blow up.

I just think that we're not gonna
be able to lay this thing to rest

until you call me a big dope.

It's what's in your mind,
so why not just say it.

Get it over with, and we'll go on
with our lives.

No.

Well, I really wish you would. I think
it would be good for me to hear.

- Well, maybe you should...
- I knew it!

I knew it! I knew you couldn't keep
your big fat mouth shut.

Oh, God, you think you know
everything, don't you?

In your entire life, you've never said,
"I don't know," or, "I think this."

Or, "In my humble opinion."
Oh, no, you always just say this.

And you just say that. This, that!
This, that! You know, you're nuts.

You are crazy. And in your twisted
little mind, you probably think

you're gonna make me crazy
just like you made Frasier crazy,

just like you make everybody crazy.
But you won't make me crazy.

You wanna know why?
I'm gonna tell you why

you're not gonna make me crazy.
Are you listening?

Here it comes.
I don't know!

I'll tell you something else.
You don't know either.

Nobody knows why you're
not gonna make me crazy.

So stick that in your hat
and smoke it.

- Thank you.
- Anytime.