All language subtitles for Cheers.S04E10.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Okay, Mr Peterson, it's your turn

to send a tape-recorded hello
to my folks back home.

I don't know what
to say here, Woody.

Just hurry it up, will you.
I've got some audio gems

that'll have them howling
in the old Hoosier state.

Okay, just let me find the end
of Miss Chambers' message here.

Alrighty.

Your son is
a hardworking young man.

You should be proud.
We at Cheers certainly are.

And what's more--

I think it's a little further along here.

I believe it was Elizabeth
Barrett Browning who said--

Now let me tell you
a little bit about myself.

All right, fill me up, Woody.
I think we're in here for a while.

Okeydokey, Mr Peterson, found
the end of Miss Chambers' message.

It's ready to go.

Hi, folks. This is Norm.

Oh, no, that's the end of the tape.

Sorry you didn't get
to leave your whole message.

That was the whole message.

Oh, thanks.

Sam, two Beefeater martinis, please.

Well, you're just bubbling with energy.

You must've mastered the childproof cap
on your Flintstones vitamins.

That's pretty cute, Diane.

Scored again.

Yeah, I guess
I'll be saying that a lot tonight.

You got an evening
of romance planned, Sam?

Yeah, I sure do.

Who's the bimbo du jour?

That's the girl, all right.

Claudia's been a tough nut to crack.

But tonight's the night
she's gonna be enjoying

all the rides in
Sammy's magic kingdom.

She's in for a Mickey Mouse
evening with Goofy as her guide.

Boy, Sam, I wish I could
read women like you.

I mean, I can never really tell
when a woman likes me.

Well, Woody, women give off
different subtle signs of interest.

Me, I stand there naked
with a rose in my teeth.

I'll watch for that one.

So, Sam, what signal
is your date giving you?

Not only is Claudia
mentally undressing me,

she's mentally fixing me
breakfast the next morning.

I'm sorry this is taking so long here.
I hope you're not getting bored.

Oh, no. I enjoy watching you work.

I'm glad to hear that. I've got some
mirrors at home. We can both watch.

One second. Yeah.
Yeah, as a matter of fact he is.

Hold on one second, will you.
Cliff ie, telephone.

Somebody wants to talk to Cliff?

Cliff ie. This is a first, bud. I don't think
anyone's ever called you here before.

Yeah, I know who this is.
It's a tootsie on my route

who's been eyeing the cut of my jib
through her Levolors.

Her old man's probably out of town,
she's looking for a little COD:

Cliff ie on demand.

I know how to handle this babe.

Hello.

Listen, I never wanna speak to you
again as long as I live. Goodbye.

- Who was that?
- That was a man

who has the nerve
to call himself my father.

He'd have to have nerve
to admit that.

Are you still carrying a grudge?

Damn straight.

How would you feel if your father
deserted you at the formative age of nine?

Cliff, don't you at least wanna
hear what he has to say?

- Perhaps he's trying to make amends.
- No way.

I don't wanna have anything
to do with that bum.

Well, I know how these
father/son relationships can be.

I remember my dad didn't want me
to get serious with Vera.

- He heard she had loose morals.
- You're kidding me.

Actually, he got the story wrong.
Turns out she had loose molars.

At least you had
a father figure, Norm.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, well.

- Sam.
- Five minutes, we'll be out of here.

What's this? A date of yours
reading Artforum magazine.

And it's right side up too.

Hope this doesn't mean
that we're gonna have to talk afterwards.

Why do I keep trying
to communicate with you?

It must be
the Margaret Mead in me.

That's a wonderful issue.

Yes, it is.

Did you happen to read their article
on Chinese tapestries?

- Yes, it was fascinating.
- Wasn't it?

Yeah, the only problem was that 20
minutes later, I wanted to read it again.

Reads and has a sense of humor.

Did you lose a bet?

Excuse me?

- I'm Diane Chambers.
- Claudia Mitchell.

So you and Sam are going out?

Yes, we're gonna try that
new Indian restaurant, Rajah's.

Oh, I understand their chef
is a master of tandoori cooking.

Well, I don't really know
that much about Indian food.

It's the one area where I'm not
really able to be pretentious.

Well, I am, so we have
the bases covered.

- Mind if I sit down?
- Please.

Oh, yeah, and after all,
the game of billiards

was invented
by the ancient Phoenicians, Norm.

Well, however, it did gain
newfound popularity

after a group of Benedictine monks
invented felt.

Thank you, Sam.

Good Lord.

I think that's my father.

There's still time to slip out
through the window in the bathroom, Cliff ie

No, no, no. I wanna hear what the rat
has to say. Don't let out who I am.

- Can I help you?
- Do you happen to know Cliff Clavin?

I...

I...

Sam, I'm no good under pressure.

- Hi, I'm Sam Malone. I'm the owner.
- Oh, hi. I'm Cliff Sr, his father.

I called his ma, she said he hangs out
here sometimes. Is he around?

Well, no. Actually he's not.
I think he's away on business.

- Yeah.
- Too bad. I wanted to talk to him.

It's funny. My own son. I don't even
know what he does for a living.

I don't even know what he looks like.

Cliff might be away for a while here.

Is there any message
you'd like me to give to him?

I'll hang around a while. It's kind of personal.
I'd like to deliver it myself.

- Oh, yeah, here you go.
- Oh, thanks.

Excuse me.

I got something to say.

Could I have the sports page?

Oh, yeah, sure. Here you are.

Boy, you two seem to be
getting along.

- Are you ready?
- Oh, not to mention willing and able.

I'll be at the...

Hey, I have this great idea.

Why don't we invite Diane
to come with us for dinner.

- What?
- No, I don't think that'd be a good idea.

No, don't be silly. It would be perfect.

Diane knows all about Indian food.

Oh, hey, so do I. I'll order buffalo,
you can have the Geronimo burger.

Claudia, I really don't want
to be a third wheel.

- Yeah, but I want you to come.
- Yeah, but I want us to be alone.

Well, there's plenty of time for that later.

Besides, what could you do
in a restaurant full of people?

You'd be surprised.

- Yes, you would.
- Why don't you just butt out of this--

Look, Sam, I think you're being
kind of a drip about this.

Quite frankly, I am surprised at you.

Oh. Well, all right.

Diane, if you have nothing better to do
than tag along, why don't you join us.

- I really don't think--
- No, please, Diane. I insist.

- It'll be fun.
- Yeah, loads.

- Great, then we're set.
- Okay.

- I'm gonna go freshen up.
- Okeydoke.

- Please get me out of this.
- No, no.

If you don't go, she'll think
that I told you not to go.

And then she's gonna think
I'm even a bigger heel. You're going.

Okay. Fine. Fine.

You bet, "Fine. Fine."
Give me the phone, will you.

- Sam, you're out of your mind.
- Hey, please.

I may look stupid,
but I'm way ahead of her.

Give me some credit
for having brains. Hello.

Hello.

Yeah, this is Sam Malone.

I made a reservation
for two at 7:00.

I wanna make sure
it's an intimate table

that seats only two.

Yeah, and there'll be
a third person coming along,

but I wanna make sure
that she's seated far away.

Yeah, no, no.
The farther the better.

In fact, do you have
something in Bombay?

- Goodbye.
- You're a genius.

I kind of think
I'm wasting my time here.

If Cliff ie comes in,
tell him I was here.

Thanks for the beer.

- Aren't you gonna say something to him?
- I've got nothing to say.

Mr Clavin, maybe Cliff
will call you later.

Well, he'd better make it fast.
I'm leaving tomorrow.

Gee, it's too bad.

I'd really like to make my peace
with the kid. Well, thanks anyway.

Hold it right there, Clavin.

I'm Cliff Clavin Jr.

You're Cliff.

You wasted your time coming here.

After what you've done, there can be
no peace between us. Hit the bricks.

Cliff ie.

- What?
- What's that?

- Where?
- Gotcha!

Oh, Dad, you always knew
how to push the right buttons.

Hey.

I just can't stop
talking about that meal.

It was simple and delicate,
yet provocative.

Well, I never had anything
quite like that lamb vindaloo.

Great recommendation, Diane.

How was your meal, Sam?

The only thing that tasted good at the
table turned out later to be a candle.

You're not still angry
about sitting alone?

I wasn't alone. You're forgetting
about that 300-pound Hindu

with the goitre that kept fanning me.

Look, Sam, I know this date hasn't
turned out the way you planned it.

Well, maybe we could still salvage
something of the evening.

Maybe we could go someplace for dessert.

If I might make a suggestion,
why don't you two go upstairs to Melville's.

They have great cheesecake.

I have a better idea.

Why don't we go over to my place
for a little Sammy's jubilee.

Sammy. The beer distributor,

he says there's some problem
with next month's order.

Well, let him talk to Woody.
Woody handled it last month.

I think that's the problem.

Damn. All right, listen.

We'll go up to Melville's
for your cheesecake,

but then we're going to my place
for your beefcake.

You've got some work to do,
don't you?

- Evening, everybody.
- Norm!

- Norman.
- What's your pleasure, Mr Peterson?

Boxer shorts and loose shoes,
but I'll settle for a beer.

So how was the Hungry Heifer?

- It wasn't too good.
- No? Well, what'd you have?

Well, I got the chef's special ribs.

- That sounds pretty good.
- That's what I thought,

but the chef just came out
and made fun of my tie.

- So Cliff ie and his dad not back yet?
- Oh, no, they had very big plans.

Mr Clavin wanted to spend
the evening getting to know his son.

Yeah, and the rest of his life
trying to forget.

Woody, next time you order
beer from the distributor,

try to be a little more
specific than "lots."

- Sorry, Sam.
- That's all right.

I called Melville's. They have
just two pieces of cheesecake left.

No more. No less. No Diane.

Boy, next to Sammy's life,
my life sure looks dull, doesn't it?

Next to a barnacle my life seems dull.

Say, you know, that cheesecake
can be pretty fattening.

You got any ideas
how we could work it off?

- May I say something to you, Sam?
- Please.

You know, the first few times
that we went out,

I thought you were
coming on a little strong.

I now miss those gentler times.

Claudia, trust me.

You're about to come upon the
gentlest time that you've ever known.

Good Lord, Sam.

What? That was good.

I'm afraid we're just not
what each other's looking for.

All right, maybe you're right.

Oh, wait, listen, here.
I wanna wish you a happy life.

As happy as you can be without me.

There are no hard feelings here,
are there?

No, no, on the contrary.
I'm glad that this happened.

Because I feel that everything,

no matter how degrading
and humiliating,

should be experienced
at least once in life.

Well, wait a second, here, Claudia.
Let's talk about this.

Claudia.

Claudia left rather abruptly.
She didn't even say goodbye.

Was she upset about something?

Yeah, she was upset
about something.

Your little plan worked perfectly.

What are you talking about?

I can't believe you're
actually making me say this.

- What?
- Why don't you just admit

you're nuts about me and you can't
stand me going out with other women

so you try to eliminate the competition.

Sam, your hormones have staged
a coup d'état on your brain.

No, no, no. Don't try to
distract me with hormone talk.

Well, as long as we're talking
about transparent plans,

why don't you just admit that you
brought that clone of me here

because you are still
hung up on me.

Are you kidding me? There is only
one reason why you came back here.

Because you asked me.

I asked you, you begged to come back.
We're splitting hairs here.

Sam, Melville's want to know
if you still want that cheesecake.

Yes, I want that cheesecake.
Tell them I'll be right up.

I'm gonna go up and have
that cheesecake all by myself.

It'll be the best company
I've had all evening.

Indeed.

Unless you wanna come along
and make the evening a complete disaster.

I wouldn't have cheesecake with you
if you were the last man on Earth

and it was the last morsel of food.

I'm getting kind of used
to eating by myself anyway.

Well, it is delicious cheesecake.

Does your offer include coffee?

Maybe.

- And a refill?
- Don't push it.

Sam...

...I am sorry that you
had to eat alone.

That's okay.

What did you guys
talk about anyway?

Well, we talked about
the postmodernists

and the trend away from
minimalism in literature.

All of a sudden, my table
doesn't seem so bad after all.

And he says, "Yeah, my sister."

His sister!

Time for a little
in-flight refueling here.

Oh, good.

Now you're good
for another 1,000 miles.

You two look like you've been having
a heck of a time. What did you do?

- It'd be better to ask what we didn't do.
- Yeah.

How about if we just
withdrew the question.

We caught the first quarter
of the Celtics game,

went down to the petting zoo. It was
night, but we peeked over the fence.

Then we went fishing and Dad took me
to the all-night barber's to get a haircut.

Yeah, next time
he's gonna get them all cut.

Then later, we had a father-and-son
talk about the birds and bees.

Yeah, well, I already knew
about that stuff.

There was one thing
that was a little bit shocking.

Excuse me, Daddy.
I gotta make a pit stop.

Yeah, yeah, go right ahead.
I'll refuel a little myself.

Tell me about Cliff ie. You guys
know him a lot better than I do.

- Is he really as nice as he seems?
- Oh, you bet.

And smart too. One of the
smartest guys I've ever met.

And dependable. You call Cliff
at 4:00 in the morning, he's there.

Where the hell else would he be?

Hey, Mr Clavin, do you have
the gift of gab like your son?

No, it comes from his mother's side.
She's the real yapper in the family.

My God, she gets rolling,
she's like a hyena on bennies.

Hey, Dad, come on.
Time's a-wasting.

What do you say we go out
and get a set of matching tattoos?

Cliff ie, I gotta get cracking.
I got a plane to catch.

Come on, Dad. So much time,
you know, we haven't talked.

- We don't know about each other.
- Cliff ie.

- I just had a terrific idea.
- Oh, yeah? What's that, Dad?

Why don't you come to Australia with me.

Australia? I don't know if I can
leave all this. My friends, my job.

You can make new friends,
and you don't need a job.

What?

Cliff ie, I got a lot of dough stashed away.
We could live like kings.

- Well, I need time to think about it.
- There's no time. I got to go now.

What's the rush?

Cliff ie, I have got to get out of
this country as fast as I can.

- What's going on?
- Okay, listen. I'll level with you.

You're my son. I can trust you.

My business has gotten me
in a little trouble with the law.

- What kind of business is that?
- Real estate fraud.

- Dad, that's illegal.
- Good, I'm not going too fast for you.

Listen, come on,
you gonna come with me?

No, no, look, Dad,
I can't let you do this.

How about you give the money back,
throw yourself at the court's mercy.

They'll let you off with 10 years max.

Ten years. Come on, grow up, will you.
We're talking about heavy cake here.

Now, I want you to come.
Are you gonna come or no?

Well, how do you know
I'm not gonna turn you in?

Cliff ie, you're not gonna
turn in your own father.

I know that and you know that.

Yeah, you're right, Dad.

I had a couple beers. I'm gonna make
one more stop and then I'm gone.

Give me the phone.

What's wrong?

My old man's a crook. He's leaving
the country one step ahead of the law.

You're not gonna
rat on your old man!

Think about this, will you.

Got nothing to think about now.

Information?

Yeah, give me the federal authorities.

I don't know.
Somebody in charge of rotten daddies.

I can't do it.

I've aided a fugitive from justice.

I'm a disgrace to my uniform.

Hey, come on. Come off it, Clavin.

You didn't disgrace anything.

You can't turn the old guy in
because you love him.

Now, anyone would understand that.

Thank you, Carla.

You're right.

I do love him.

Matter of fact, I think I'll go
give him a big hug right now.

It might be a little uncool to hug him
in the men's room, you know?

I guess you're right, Norm.

What the heck. I can't wait. It's
the longest we've been apart all day.

Carla, you know, for a minute there,

you treated Cliff
as if he was a human being.

What you are experiencing
is a half-Melvin.

You breathe one word of this and
I am going to give you a full-Melvin.

I think we understand each other.

He's gone.

This is all that's left.

What do you suppose
happened to him?

It's obvious, isn't it?

My father didn't trust me,

so he gave me the slip
out of the bathroom window.

Guess I'll just go home.

You're ruling out
the other possibility.

What other possibility?

Well, it's a little-known fact,

but more and more people have been
going into men's rooms and vaporizing.

I mean, just disappearing
into thin air.

It's an unexplained phenomenon.

- It's kind of like the Bermuda Triangle.
- That's right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get serious, will you.

Have it your way.

Well, you know, however,

this much is true, you know.

There's been recent sightings
of human beings

being shot up into the underbelly
of alien spacecraft.

You know, and speaking
of the Bermuda Triangle,

- it's not technically a triangle.
- It's not?

Heck, no!

It's a trapezedo-rhomboid.

They're perfect for attracting
Martian spacecraft.