All language subtitles for Cheers.S03E20.If.Ever.I.Would.Leave.You.1080p.BluRay.FLAC2.0.H.264-BTN_track4_[eng]

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Diane, are you ready?
It's time for The Sorrow and the Pity.

Oh, you two going straight home
to bed, huh?

- You know it's a movie.
- Oh, not just a movie.

It's the final feature in
the Human Brutality Film Festival.

Sammy, when's the Coach gonna
get back from visiting his sister?

He'll be in Minnesota
at least another week.

Is his sister anything, you know,
like the Coach?

Let me put it this way.

He asked her to pick him up
at the airport.

She thought he meant
the Boston airport,

so she drove all the way here
to pick him up.

Fortunately, that's what he meant.

They... They had lunch
at the airport.

Then they drove on to St. Paul.

Wait. I thought she lived
in Duluth there.

She does, but they don't like the food
at the airport in Duluth.

You know, actually,
Coach'll probably be back

before I could explain this to you.

What do you say, let's get out of here,
huh? All the goofs have gone home.

Nobody to laugh at or buy us beer.

- I think our work here is done.
- Amen.

Oh, hey. Is that Carla's positively
disgusting ex-husband, Nick?

All right. Things are picking up, Cliff ie.
Have a seat.

Hello, blondie.

I bet you thought
you'd never see me again, right?

Change "thought" to "begged God"...

...and you've got it exactly.

- Hey, Nick.
- Hello, Sam.

And the rest of youse.

It's so good to see some friendly faces.
My, can I use that now.

Is something wrong, Nick?

Oh, yeah, but let's not dwell on it.
It would tear your heart out.

- Is Carla, by any chance, around?
- No, she went home for the night.

Frasier, your tea is ready.

Oh, Nick Tortelli, this is

someone with whom you have
absolutely nothing in common,

my paramour, Dr. Frasier Crane.

A doctor of what?
Can you get any pills?

I'm a psychiatrist.

Have we met? You wouldn't, by any
chance, be the bogus missing link

exhibited
at the Amsterdam World's Fair?

No, but you're not the first person
who asked me.

I wish I had done something
like that.

Maybe my life would be
worth something.

Oh, boy.

What's going on here?
What's the matter, Nick?

You remember my lovely wife,
Loretta?

Sure do, tall blond.

Well, she ran out on me.

She always wanted to be a singer,
and she got an offer

from this big musical group
that's touring the country.

The Grinning Americans.

The Grinning what?

Well, they're a group
of wholesome young people who wear,

you know, pullover sweaters,
sing patriotic songs.

You know, they've had me and Ma
marching around the living room

on more than one Sunday afternoon,
I can tell you.

- Boy.
- You live with your mother, Cliff?

I have my own room.
I have my own hot plate.

You wanna read
something sicko into that?!

Well...

You're not the first guy
to lose a woman, Nick.

Yeah, but you haven't heard
the worst yet.

You see, Loretta wouldn't marry me
unless I signed one of them

"pre-nupital" agreements
and put everything in her name.

I was up to my eyeballs
in a more that night.

She got the house and
the Tortelli Television Hospital.

- Ouch. Let me get you a drink, Nick.
- No, no, no, I couldn't.

I don't have anything, Sam.
I couldn't pay for it.

No, it's on the house.

Nick Tortelli don't
take charity or pity...

...or soda. So make it neat, Sammy.

I forgot my purse.

Nick.

What the hell are you doing here?

I came to see
if I have any friends left.

Sorry, our new snail pellets
took care of them.

You look pretty, Carla.

The Twinkie left you, didn't she?

She took you for everything,
didn't she?

Please, tell me she took you
for everything.

I was born into this world naked,
and so shall I leave it.

But please stay fully clothed
the rest of the time.

- You got a guy, Carla?
- No, I swallowed a beach ball.

For your information,
I am not seeing anybody,

but the guy that knocked me up
and ran this time

is 10 times classier than you.
Now get out of here.

Carla, I know I have no reason
to expect any kindness from you.

I treated you like dirt.

But I've come back
to start over again.

I'd like to make it up to you
and my precious children,

if you'll give me a chance.

I don't know what to say, Nick.

Part of me wants to laugh
in your face.

The rest of me wants to throw up.

Go with your heart.

Hey, just how dumb
do you think I am, huh?

She kicks you out,
and you expect me to believe

that you're a sweet, humble guy
that just wants to do right by me?

It's true, Carla.
What would it take to convince you?

- Oh, forget it.
- Wait!

Here. I'm gonna hold my hand
over this flame

until you believe my sincerity.

Go ahead. I happen to be fond
of the smell of roast pig.

Oh, yuck, he's gonna do it.

Say you believe me
and end my torment.

Say, Nick, shouldn't you be putting it
a little closer down to the flame?

What, are there rules to this?

It's plenty warm up here where it is.

Nick, you're roach droppings.

I never wanna see you again
in my life.

You're her friends.

You believe me, don't you?
You'll talk to her, won't you?

Come on, Diane.
We've missed the sorrow,

but maybe we can still catch the pity.

Mr. Tortelli, I hate to see
any human being suffering

without doing something to help.

Now, I'd like you to call this number
any time, day or night.

Is this your office?

No, no.

I'm far out of your price range.

This is the number of
a promising graduate student.

You could put him on the map.

- Well, good night, Sammy, Nick.
- Good night.

Later, Nick.

You fellas going home
to your warm beds?

Yeah. Yeah, that's where we're going.

You... You got a place
to sleep tonight, don't you, Nick?

Oh, yeah. In the gutter out front.

Oh, good!
As long as you got a place.

Good night.

They say people don't get involved,
huh, Cliff?

Hey, Nick, I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to close up here.

Oh, yeah, I know.
Just one more thing, Sam, okay?

Could I do a few odd jobs for you
for a few bucks?

Boy, you know, I...

- I really don't need anything.
- Sam, you don't understand.

I'll do anything.

A man without a job isn't a man,
Sam. I'll sweep, I'll clean.

I'll get on my knees
and scrub the place.

- The place'll be spotless, Sam.
- Nick--

Please?

Yeah, okay.

Oh, Sam. Thank you.
Thank you, Sam.

Thank you. God bless you, Sam.
God bless you.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

The brooms are in the closet
right over there.

Tonight?!

That's a little short notice.

I'll do it.

Oh, hello, Miss Carla.
You're looking mighty pretty today.

Yeah, but that railing looks terrible.

Terrible? I can see my face in it.

That's what I mean. So can I.

Listen, I told you, if he's bothering you,
I'll get rid of him.

I don't care what he does.

I enjoy seeing him grovel around.

Carla, God knows I was
as skeptical as you are,

but the man's been working here
for three weeks.

He's rented a room with a sink.

He's joined the Young Men's
Christian support group.

He's teaching himself
to play the harmonica.

- Isn't it possible he's changed?
- He's also clipped his fingernails,

and he's talked
about subscribing to a magazine.

- Okay.
- But you look beyond

the glitter and flash...

...that's the same old Nick.

He's just doing all this to impress me
so I'll take him back.

Well, is that such a bad idea, Carla?
Now, I'm just asking.

Well, he may be starting to pull
the wool over your eyes,

but he's not doing it to me.

If I take him back,
I'm just gonna end up getting hurt.

Carla, I'm certainly not going to be
the one to argue his case...

...but in the interest
of human charity,

perhaps you should keep
an open mind.

In the interest of human charity,

I wouldn't walk across the room
to spit on his shoes.

Pardon me, common scrub person.

- Is there a Nick Tortelli here?
- Loretta!

Nick, is that you?

No, it's the archbishop
of Canterbury.

So you couldn't
stay away from me, huh?

The very idea is ludicrous.
We've simply outgrown each other.

I'm living in the fast lane now.

I hobnob with people you wouldn't
even feel comfortable with.

Why, last night
I met a head waiter.

Oh, so you came to rub
my nose in it, right?

Hi, gang at Cheers. Just because
I've given Nick the boot

doesn't mean that we still
can't all be close friends.

Especially you, Carla.

After all, we did have
Nick Tortelli in common.

Yeah, you, me
and a thousand head lice.

- Loretta, what are you doing here?
- These are the final divorce papers.

Read them and sign them.

And please,
let's not make this sticky.

If you think I'm gonna give you
any argument about this, you're nuts.

I'm over you, Loretta.

Carla won't give me
the time of day yet,

but I'd rather be scrubbing the floor
that she walks on,

than scrubbing the floor
that you walk on.

That wasn't too good,
but you get the picture.

Well, I'm glad to hear
that you're over me, Nick,

because as far as I'm concerned,
you're yesterday's newspapers.

Well, goodbye, gang at Cheers.

I'm sorry you had to witness
this ugly scene.

Beat it!

And that, Carla,

if you'll excuse me for ending
a sentence in a preposition,

is the man whose shoes you
wouldn't cross the room to spit upon.

What can I say, Diane?
I was wrong.

It's a start.

- May I take your coat, Miss Carla?
- Knock it off, Nick, huh?

Please, for me.

Shame on me. This coat rack needs
to be sanded down and varnished.

So you and Nick took the kids out
this afternoon, huh?

Yeah, it was Nick's idea.

We took them to the petting zoo
so they could slap the animals.

Listen, tonight after work,
me and you. What do you say?

Like the old times, all right?

We'll go over to White Castle,
get some burgers,

and then catch some wrestling?

There's a couple of great
grudge matches tonight, huh?

Forget it, Nick.

I'd enjoy that with a classy guy,
but you and I aren't happening.

Carla, what do I have to do?
Don't you believe that people change?

I'm telling you, you hit rock bottom,
and then you gotta change

or there's no living with yourself
otherwise.

Sam understands that.
He was a stinking drunk.

I had a problem, Nick, but...

And Miss Diane understands.

She's hustling hooch now.
It wasn't too long ago,

she was strapped to a bed
in the drooling academy.

It was only once that I was restrained
to my bed for my own safety

when psychotropic drugs
affected my sense of balance.

And that was only for
a week and a half, I was told.

And, anyway,
what are we talking about me for?

Carla, why will you not relent?

Because I don't believe you have it
in you to be true to me.

I think if Loretta came back
and wanted you, you would go to her.

Carla, you're gonna
believe me one day,

and I'm gonna hang in until you do.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to finish oiling the coasters
on Sam's office chair.

Fixing the big wheel's little wheels.

I appreciate it, Nick.

Carla, you know, for what it's worth,
Cliff and I took

Alley-oop there to the drive-in
over the weekend.

All he could talk about was you:
"Miss Carla this, Miss Carla that."

Listen, listen, listen.
I am tired of hearing all of you

defending that walking hairball.

You wanna see why I don't fall
for his act?

- Yeah, if you don't mind, I would.
- Okay, okay, watch.

What's the extension in your office?

- 221:
- Don't worry.

Nick?

This is Loretta.

I've been getting some of those
old feelings again, Daddy.

I think we should
get together and talk.

I'm at the Baldwin Hotel.

- How soon do you think you could--?
- I gotta get some cigarettes!

You don't smoke.

I'm gonna start. I heard good things.

No!

I-- I'm not gonna go.

I'm not gonna go.
You know where I was going?

Loretta called me,
and she wanted to talk to me,

and I was about to go.

Then you know what happened?

I thought of you,

and I came to my senses.

You know, that wasn't Loretta, Nick.
That was Carla on the phone.

- That was you?
- Yes, Daddy.

Then it was a test?

And I passed with flying colors!

Now do you believe me?

- Carla, what--?
- Carla, how can you stand there

and deny the man burgers and
wrestling with the woman he loves?

He knew it was me on the phone.

- Carla, what more can I do?
- That wasn't a good enough test.

Hi, Carla. Hi, Nick.

Hiya, gang at Cheers.

The real Loretta.

- Surprise!
- What do you want?

I want you back.

What?

Well, this isn't easy to say.

And I don't know what song it's from,

but there's a line
in some song that goes:

"I've got you under my skin."

"I've Got You Under My Skin," Loretta.

What? Oh, no, this is going
to complicate things.

No, no, I was just telling you
the name of the song.

Oh, pardon me.

Nick, what I'm trying to say is,

do you think that there's ever a chance
that we'll get back together again?

In my heart,
I knew this day would come.

The other day,
when I was here with the papers,

something stirred inside of me.
When I got back to the hotel room,

all I could think about is the way
you used to make me pour Amaretto

in your chin dimple
so I could sip it out.

I've got so much to learn
from this man.

Loretta, I don't feel anything for you
anymore. You hear me? Nothing.

But when I threw you out,
you said you'd always love me.

I'm a complex guy.

You can say no to my words,

but can you say no to this?

And I've got another one
where this came from.

You're making a fool out of yourself.
Beat it.

This is one American who's gonna
have trouble grinning on stage tonight.

Bravo, Nicolas! Bravo!

Well, I have some oiling to complete.

- Carla!
- Come on!

In God's name,
what more do you want?

This is one of the most
startling metamorphoses

one man has ever undergone.

- Yeah.
- Yes, yes.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're all experts
on Nick Tortelli, huh?

You all think I should
go back with him, huh?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Not me.

I don't think you're good enough
for him.

- Come on, Carla.
- Okay, okay.

I'm gonna take him back.
You all watch what's gonna happen.

Nick? Can I speak to you?

Yes, Miss Carla.

Nick, I...
I want you back.

I wanna give you another chance
to take care of me and the kids.

Oh, Carla, you've made me
the happiest man on earth!

Let's go to White Castle
and celebrate!

- Hey, all right.
- I knew I'd get you back

if I kept scrubbing and mopping and
cleaning the ashtrays and believing.

- Yeah.
- But I gotta tell you...

...that last test was the hardest.

Test, Nick?

Yeah, the way you actually
got Loretta to come here

and do what she did.
I don't know how you did it.

It wasn't a test, Nick.

It wasn't?

- Nope.
- She really wants me back?

That's right.

Well, good.

I'm glad to see that you're above
that sort of thing.

It's you and me...

...forever.

Really, Nick?

I can't believe it. I--

Nick?

What's the matter?

I don't know.

- Something weird, Carla.
- Yeah.

I can't control my body.

I don't know what's going on.

I'm gonna find a cure for this
if it kills me.

Goodbye, Carla. I love you.

Loretta!

So, Sam, on the way over
to the bar this morning,

I saw this amazing cloud formation.

- Really?
- Yes.

It looked like a flock of sheep.

- It was really--
- Satisfied?

You're all

ignorant.

Carla, I...

I'm... I'm sorry. I don't know
what to say. We...

- We made a terrible mistake.
- Yeah.

But our regret is tempered
by our pride in you.

You didn't fall for him.

You didn't give in. You stayed strong,
and you came out on top.

This is your day, Carla. Rejoice.

Yeah, this is my day.

Except for one thing:

I love the monkey more now
than I ever did.

That monkey?

It's crazy, isn't it?

I don't think it is.

Listen to me.

What you're feeling
right now for Nick,

every woman has felt it sometime.

At one time or another,
we all fall for some guy

that we know isn't good for us.
We...

We need excitement.
We need a walk on the wild side.

I know whereof I speak.
Believe it or not, there are times,

I'm irresistibly drawn
to that damn Sam...

...urai.

Samurai Frasier Crane.

Warrior of love.

That's what I call him.

Samurai...

- ...Frasier Crane.
- Frasier Crane.