All language subtitles for Cheers.S03E13.Whodunit.1080p.BluRay.FLAC2.0.H.264-BTN_track4_[eng]

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Okay, folks,

just to help you
pass the time away

while you're waiting
for your table upstairs,

I'm gonna show you a little trick

that never fails to leave people
with their mouths wide open.

I'm gonna guess your correct age

by asking you
three simple questions, okay?

- Sounds like fun.
- Good.

Okay, first question.

What year were you born?

You gotta be kidding.

Please, bear with me, will you?

Nineteen forty-nine.

Nineteen forty-nine, okay.

Second question.

How much you weigh?

About 185 pounds.

One hundred
and eighty-five pounds.

Okay, third and last question.
What do you do for a living?

I'm a carpet salesman.

Carpet salesman. All right.

Okay, I should have an answer for you
right after dinner, huh?

After dinner?

Yeah, I didn't realize
I had to carry a number.

Four, six and seven...

- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm!

Hey, Normie, what would you like?

I don't know.
You got anything pale and cold?

Yeah, but it's Diane's day off.

I'll have a beer then, I guess.

You're looking a little glum there,
buddy. You got a problem?

Yeah, new boss
just chewed me out.

Says I lack enthusiasm.

Well, is that true?

I don't know.
Maybe, I guess, who cares?

Well, here it is, Dr. Ludlow.

Remember, it was Diane's idea

to expose you to
Boston's seamy underbelly.

Oh, Frasier, come on.

Dr. Ludlow will enjoy
a quaint little Boston pub.

I wonder who the guy is
with Frasier and Diane.

Talent scout for a geek show.

Well, I do wish that I'd worn
a heavier overcoat.

I had no idea it would be
so chilly up here.

Yes, I apologize for that.

You're apologizing for the weather?

Well, yes, and also the fact
that I've had this toasty garment

while you've been chilled. Why don't
you wear it on the way home?

Well, we're not exactly
the same size, Frasier.

- Right, I'm sorry.
- And you don't need

- to keep apologizing!
- Oh, that's all right, sir, I don't mind.

Frasier.

I'm sorry. It's just that I turn to jelly

when I'm in the presence
of my mentor, Dr. Bennett Ludlow.

Frasier, this attitude of yours
was perfectly all right

when you were in my graduate program,
but we are peers now.

Did you hear that, Diane? Peers.

Ludlow, get us some brandies.

No, no, I'm just kidding.
I'll get them.

Diane, could you give me a hand?

Oh, certainly. Excuse me.

You noticed, didn't you?

Of course I noticed.
What are we going to do about it?

Well, the only thing we can do,
ignore it.

Ignore it? That's like telling me
to ignore your fly being open.

Yes, very good point.

It isn't, is it?

What seems to be
the problem here, folks?

Well, Sam, my colleague
has dropped a crumb during dinner,

and in the intervening hours
it has become encrusted on his tie.

So what? You can take
Norm's tie here,

put it in a kettle and make soup.

Incidentally, it's a little-known fact

that the tie was invented
in ancient times to be used as a bib.

You know, wipe your chin.

You mean they're thinking
of changing that?

Why don't you just tell the guy
that he's got a spot?

Gee, that's an idea.

Why didn't we just come to Sam
in the first place?

Sam, you just don't say,
"There's a spot on your tie"

to a man the stature
of Dr. Bennett Ludlow.

The Bennett Ludlow?

You've heard of him, Coach?

No.

Coach, he's only one
of the true giants of psychiatry.

Author, innovator, educator,
and I'm not ashamed to say,

my idol and inspiration.

All right, you lean over, you pretend
you're admiring his tie tack,

and you just nibble the morsel off
real quick.

Who's the wiser?

Sam is right. We have to tell him.

Of course you're right.

Oh, Sam, may we have
three brandies, please?

I guess I'm the one
who should tell him.

After all, I'm the one
who suggested beef Wellington.

Beef Wellington, you say?

Where's that tie? Show me.

I just have to find a way to tell him
in a subtle and tactful way

that will allow him
to preserve his dignity.

Hey, Pigpen.

What's that thing?
What, are you trying to catch pigeons?

Thank you very much.

Don't mention it. I like a man
who wears his dinner with pride.

Here we are.
Sir, in spite of the fact

that it may cause you
some personal embarrassment,

I have to tell you, you have a spot...

...in my heart.

Always have, always will.

Thank you.
Thank you very much, Frasier,

but if you'll excuse me,
I've got a telephone call to make.

Believe me, I am not the sort of man

who approaches young,
unfamiliar ladies in a bar

and tries to become more familiar
by the use of some smooth line.

Your secret is safe with me.

Pardon me.
Pardon me for saying this,

but there is something about you
that is so strikingly attractive.

While you're staring
at my zoomers,

let's see if we can figure out
what that is.

What would it take
to get your telephone number?

A phone book.

Would you tell me your name,
or shall I just check in the yellow pages

under "Hot Babe"?

The name is Carla Tortelli,

and I'm starting to like you.

- Oh, say, Norm?
- Yes, Cliff?

You seem to have a spot
there on your tie.

So I do, so I do. Thank you,
Cliff ie, for pointing that out.

You know, if more people
were as conscientious as you are,

I think we could wipe out
social embarrassment in our time.

Well, don't thank me, Norm.

Periodic tie checks are the duty
of every American citizen.

- Did he look at his tie?
- No.

So much for subtlety.

All right, you just start
a fire for diversion.

I'll hose him down.

Boy, am I exhausted.

What, not much sleep, huh?

No, Normie, I slept like a baby.

It's just that I dreamed
I had insomnia all night.

You know, someday
that man's head is gonna open up,

and a prize will pop out.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, hey, Carla,
I got some flowers here for you.

Oh, for me?

Yeah, very cute, Carla.

You've gotten flowers every day
for the last two weeks.

Yeah, I guess I ought to be
feeling a little guilty.

I mean, I'm getting
all these flowers,

and there are bees
going to bed hungry.

Yeah, we're kind of curious here.

Who's your secret admirer?

None of your damn business.

Thank you, Carla.

Sam.

- So, what did she say?
- "None of your damn business."

Well, excuse me for living.

What if I said that to you
when you asked me to

show you how to throw
a knuckle ball?

You did.

Oh, so we're even.

Oh, Frasier, you're early.

Is something wrong?

Well, of course
something's wrong.

Dr. Ludlow cancelled out on us again.
Surprise, surprise.

What excuse did he give this time?

- Something came up.
- Something came up.

Something's been coming up
every night for the last two months.

Well, Frasier,

maybe we just have to admit
that he doesn't want to see us socially.

Well, yes, I guess we've been
trying too hard. We've been too eager.

Sam, can I get a beer
or something, please?

Especially that first night when
we made such buffoons of ourselves.

"We," Frasier?

All right, you.

Me?

Yes. The way you fawned over him
was nothing less than criminal.

If you had taken off your clothes
and writhed on the floor in front of him,

it would have been
a refreshing note of subtlety.

No wonder the man's
been shunning us.

Frasier, you were so obsequious,

if he had asked you to cluck
like a chicken and lay an egg,

you would have squatted
and asked, "What color?"

Well, he didn't ask me to,
so it's a moot point at best, Diane.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Hey, Diane, while I'm thinking about it,
I need tonight off.

Could you switch with me?

- Well...
- Why not?

There's nothing going on
in our lives.

That'll be fine, Carla.
You're in luck again.

It seems every time
you want to trade nights with me,

my plans get cancelled.

Yeah, go figure.

Hey, Diane.

You know, I've been thinking.

Have you?

The oddsmakers
take a beating again.

No, listen, listen.
Is it possible that your--?

This Ludlow fella hasn't been
seeing the two of you,

because he's been spending
all his time with Carla?

Yes, Sam.

Either that, or he had to
finish his paper route on Mars.

I'm sorry, Sam, that you had to feel
the sting of my wit,

but it's a ludicrous question.

Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

There are two mysteries
going on here.

First, Carla's been seeing
this obviously very classy guy,

and second, your pal's been avoiding
the two of you like the plague.

Of course, that's the lesser
of the two mysteries.

Sam, you're talking about
one of the most distinguished

and accomplished
men of letters I know

dating a common barmaid.

- You're dating a barmaid.
- She wasn't a barmaid when I met her.

Oh, that's right, that's right,
she was a lunatic.

No, it's true, Coach.

See, many scientists believe
that the little finger,

that's the pinkie in the legerdemain,

will one day, like the tail, disappear.

You know, because it serves
no useful purpose.

Well, people couldn't go swimming
without their little finger.

Why do you need a little finger
to swim, Coach?

When you come out of the water,
you can't do this...

I stand corrected.

Sam, may I speak to you
for a moment?

Okay, okay, a cute lunatic. All right?

Frasier is in a very fragile
state of mind.

Your asinine theories,

while suitable fodder
for inane bar conversation,

do nothing to ease his fit of pique.

Wait a minute here.
The one word I understood in that

I don't exactly care for.

My theory's not asinine.

You're right. It's a lot worse.

Think of the two of them together.

Bennett Ludlow and Carla?

It's harebrained.

Just imagine it.

Well, you don't have to imagine it.
There it is now. Have you ever seen--?

No, I guess I haven't.

Diane, what's--?

You know, Benny here
may look like a stiff,

but he's really out for a good time.

I was drawn to Carla
right from the start.

Why, there's something so sensual,
something so earthy about her.

By the way, didn't any of you
suspect anything?

No, no, I think you would've
had to be a real brain

to figure this one out,
don't you think, Frasier?

Yeah, how come you kept
this relationship such a secret, huh?

Well, that's the way me
and Big Ben wanted it.

Our backgrounds are a little different,
which is a slight problem.

I mean, word starts getting around
you're seeing a guy

who tucks his T-shirt
in his undershorts

and your reputation is shot to hell.

And I had similar reasons
to be discreet.

Yeah, well,
cat's out of the bag now, huh?

Well, excuse me, Benny,
I have to go see my customers.

Well, I think this
calls for somebody

- to buy the house a round of drinks.
- Oh, well, I'll do that.

Oh, hey, you beat me to it.
I get the next one.

Diane. Excuse me.

Now that I'm gonna be
running in egghead circles,

looks like you and I are gonna be
bumping into each other at parties.

You with your boyfriend
and me with my boyfriend.

His hero.

Okay, I think
I've come to terms with this.

Dr. Ludlow...

...you came here
more or less on vacation.

You've had your walk
on the wild side.

Now you can return
to your proper sphere,

refreshed and a better man for it.

Well, frankly, Frasier,
it's a bit more complicated than that.

I'm going to take
a short trip out of town,

and when I come back, I think I'm
going to ask Ms. Tortelli to marry me.

How wonderful.

Damn it, Sam, where is she?

Dr. Ludlow, I don't know.
She's almost never late.

- Coach, did Carla call?
- Yeah, she did.

- Well, what did she say?
- None of your damn business.

How's your knuckle ball?

Come on, Coach, we've been
over this again and again.

Give me a break, will you?

Dr. Ludlow,

we're all so happy that Carla's
getting the first break of her life.

- Hear, hear, huh?
- Thank you. Thank you.

All this talk about romance
gives me a warm spot right here.

- Yeah.
- Or was it that meal

I had at the Hungry Heifer?

Yes, yes, yes. I went back
for their special chicken dinner.

- What was it?
- A bowl of pellets

and a handful of grain.

Well, here she is.

- What's going on?
- Dr. Ludlow has something

he wants to talk to you about, Carla.

Well, of course, I had not expected
this to be a spectator sport.

Perhaps you'd like
to step over here?

Benny, is this what I think it is?

Yes, Carla, I want you to marry me.

Wow, what a day.

Well, will you?

I guess I'd be crazy to say no.

Champagne, please, for everybody.

All right!

- Way to go, doc.
- That's just great, doc.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Congratulations.

It happened right here.

- Congratulations, doc.
- Thank you. Thank you.

- Champagne for everybody.
- Coming up. Coming up.

That is just...

- Come on, pay this window.
- Gentlemen.

Carla?

I couldn't help noticing
you're not exactly leaping for joy.

Bennett Ludlow
is a wonderful catch.

Yeah, well...

...there's some things
he doesn't know about me.

Well, a little mystery
is good for a marriage.

What haven't you told him?

Well, I haven't been
completely honest about my kids.

What haven't you told him
about your kids?

That they live.

He doesn't know you have children?

Carla, I think you'd better tell him.
He's going to wonder

who those little people are
running around your place.

I was hoping
he'd be too polite to ask.

Look, I didn't want to scare him off.

Well, I think it's only fair

that you tell him immediately
you have five children.

Six.

Okay, six, but don't wait. if you--

- I thought it was five.
- It was.

I just came from the doctor's.

Oh, Carla.

When you were in high school
and you took hygiene...

...did you cut
the how-not-to lecture?

I had to. I was pregnant.

I tell you, I'm the most fertile woman
that ever lived.

For me there's only one absolutely
foolproof method of birth control,

and it makes me
sick to my stomach.

- What's that?
- Saying no.

Carla, are you all right?

Well, I'll just go celebrate
with the others.

We're like a big family
here at Cheers.

You know what they say
about a big family. More to love.

I always say,
if you want to be in a big fam--

- Beat it.
- Bye.

Carla, my proposal was not exactly met
with the enthusiasm that I expected,

and it suddenly occurred to me
that I never heard the word "yes."

Yeah, I know.

Look, Benny, I gotta tell you
some things about myself.

Would you sit down for a minute?

- Oh, this sounds serious.
- It is. It is.

Have you seen The Brady Bunch?

Yes, I think so.

Well, picture them with knives.

I don't understand.

I have five kids.

Five?

Well, five and counting.

You're gonna be a daddy.

This is quite a day.

You now have my permission
to withdraw your proposal.

Carla, do you want me
to withdraw my proposal?

Well, I want you to do
what you wanna do.

I want you to marry me.

You're kidding.

Wow, what class.

I still haven't heard the word "yes."

I know.

Why do you think that is?

Well, I think that if you look
into your feelings, you'll know.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I do.

I'm in love with someone else.

Who is it, Carla?

I don't know his name.

I never even met him yet,

but I've had this really
clear picture of him in my mind

for what seems like forever.

But he is gonna walk
into this bar one night.

Well, not walk, really,
more like swagger.

You know, confident but not cocky.

He's okay-looking,
but he's no pretty boy.

He's a swell dresser.

He's got on this
burgundy leather jacket.

He's got cherry
lifesavers in one pocket

and a pack of Camels in the other.

He's trying to quit them both,
but he can't.

His nose...

...is broken in all the right places.

And he's got this scar on his chin
that he won't talk about.

He cracks his knuckles all the time.

Drives me up a wall,
but what are you gonna do?

Doesn't talk much.

Doesn't have to.

He falls for me.

Hard.

I hurt him a few times.

He gets over it.

We get married.

So you see, it'd be a little messy

if I was already married
when he got here.

You know, Carla, I sort of
have a dream girl myself.

Oh, well, tell me about her.

Well, she's a spunky, hearty,
curly-haired little spitfire

who doesn't know
what's really good for her.

I hope you find her someday.

Me too.

By the way, I intend to take care
of that child financially.

You bet your buns you will,
Benny, baby.

- Are you okay?
- Hey, would you knock it off?

Okay, okay, you're all
gonna know eventually,

so you might as well know now.

I turned Benny down,
and I'm pregnant again.

So in case your math is bad,

that makes six,
count them, six kids

for an unmarried woman.
I don't want your sappy looks.

I don't want your charity.
I don't want your sympathy.

As a matter of fact, I don't even
want to talk about this anymore.

I just want to be left alone
to live my life. Got it?

Got it.

What are you people
made of, stone?