All language subtitles for Cheers.S03E10.Dianes.Allergy.1080p.BluRay.FLAC2.0.H.264-BTN_track4_[eng]

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Yeah?

Hi. I'm looking for Sam Malone,

the ex-Red Sox player.

That's him over there
behind the bar.

Boy, has he gotten old.

Oh, no, no, son,
I-- I'm Sam Malone.

I know.

Does your mother know
you hang around in bars?

Mr. Malone, my brother, Doug,
he's the biggest Red Sox fan ever,

but he's in the hospital
having his tonsils out.

It would mean a lot to him
if he could have an autograph.

Sure thing.
No problem.

Yeah, here you go,
Sam.

Not yours.

I figured you'd know
where to find Carl Yastrzemski.

Well, no, I don't,

but I'll certainly start you
on your way.

Sam, hold it,
hold it.

Just kidding, just kidding.
Here's your ball.

I'm sorry,
I don't know where he is.

We don't keep in touch.

Gee, Doug's going
to be disappointed.

I don't know
what to do.

Hey, could you sign it?
It's almost as good.

You sure your brother's
not going to mind?

Yeah.

He doesn't know
what Yastrzemski's handwriting looks like.

Good point, good point.

Okay, cut the crap.

Today's my birthday.
You all know that.

So, if you're planning
a surprise party for me,

and you damn well
better be,

let's get the show
on the road here, huh?

Boy, if that's not
a cue for merriment,

I don't know what is.

Just a small token
of my appreciation.

A very small token.

Ah, you know
what they say,

good things come
in small packages.

No, little things
come in small packages.

Oh, perfume.

No... toilet water.

Gag gift, gag gift,
I went for it.

Okay.

All right, Carla...

Oh, oh,
hold that thought.

Maybe this will
make it up to you.

Now, this
is more like it.

All right.

A jelly bean.

Thank you, Norm.

Another gag gift.

Oh, you guys are too much.

Oh, and garlic flavored!

Oh, nice touch there, Norm.

All right, you guys, all right,
all right, all right.

Come on, stop.

I tried to stop them, Carla,
but you know how these clowns

have to get
their gags in.

Anyway, we saved
the, uh, best for last.

This is from me
and from Coach.

Silverware...

Uh...

Lone Ranger?

Yeah, you wear it
to ride on Silver.

Don't you get it,
Carla?

You wear it
to ride on Silver!

- Silverware...
- Silverware!

Hilarious.
Thanks a bunch, guys.

Hey, don't thank us,
it's the thought, huh?

Can we throw a party or what?

Ah, there he is.

Frasier, can't we put this off
till tomorrow?

It's such a lovely evening.

Let's not despoil it.

Diane, you only inflame
violent emotional confrontations

by putting them off.

Your intelligence
inflames me.

Oh, really? Well, then...

E equals MC squared.

Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.

Oh, baby.

Sam, how about
a couple of brandies?

Where were you guys?

You missed
Carla's birthday party.

Oh, we discovered this wonderful little
French-Japanese restaurant.

- Very chic, dark, romantic...
- Oh, yeah?

You got to be careful
about those unlighted joints.

You never know what kind
of grubby-looking food

they're going to slip you.

Oh, not Chez Fujimoto.

Sam... Frasier and I have
something important to tell you.

Sam, this may be rough going.

I mean, despite your vehement protests
to the contrary,

and with no intention
of disparaging your sincerity,

but Diane and I believe that you
may still be suffering

some emotional residue
from the turbulent relationship

you had with Diane.

I'm sorry, Frasier,

I must have dozed off
for a paragraph or two.

What
was he saying?

Sam, Frasier and I came
to an important decision

tonight after dinner.

Sam, brace yourself.

Diane and I are going
to Cohabitate.

Is that--

Right here in the bar?

Well, I guess it's cheaper
than a piano player.

This is predictable,
making jokes to mask the pain.

No, I don't understand
what you two are talking about.

Sam, I'm going to move in to
Frasier's fashionable townhouse.

And where's Frasier
going to move to?

Sam, I believe you're being deliberately
opaque in a situation where we're...

Frasier,
he's making a joke.

Oh, shoot.

So, you two are going
to shack up together, huh?

Yes, I decided it was time.

I suddenly realized
that the only thing

that spoiled
an evening with Diane

was having to say
good night to her.

Really?
That was one of my highlights.

Sam, we know how much
this has hurt you,

but your defensiveness about it
is becoming annoying.

No, listen, I don't know what you expected
me to do when you told me,

but the truth is,
this does not bother me.

I am very happy
for you two kids.

Well, thank you, Sam.

We couldn't be happier.

The only thing that could
stand in the way

of a total commitment now
would be Pavlov's response.

You see, that's
my little joke, Sam.

Pavlov is my dog,
you see,

and, uh, well,

I couldn't
resist the witticism.

Let me explain, Sam.
You see, Pavlov--

No, that's okay, that's okay.
I know all about Pavlov.

Pavlov's response-- drooling
at the sound of a dinner bell.

I've done that before,
but I never knew what to call it.

I had a puppy once.

My ex-wife took her.

Little bitch.

About this high.

Oh, Frasier,

we left Carla's present
in the car.

Oh, I'll get it.

Hope I can remember
where I parked the thing.

I'm so inebriated with joy
over this situation.

Or else the sake
made me crocky.

Hey...

Hey, nobody told me
he was funny.

Now you know why.

It's pretty exciting news.

Well, yes,
we felt it was time.

Well, I wish you all
the luck in the world.

Because we'll need it?

No. Gosh, no.

I think you two
are a pair made in heaven.

I don't care
what the skeptics say.

I say the two of you

will last... let's see,
what time is it now?

Sam, you're hurting now,
aren't you? Admit it.

It's not in the least surprising
that you're bitter,

because I never took this step
with you,

but what Frasier and I
have together is more substantial.

What you and I had was exciting,
tempestuous at times,

but there was no future in it.

Yeah, you got to be careful
about that excitement stuff.

I mean, too much of that,

and soon you're starting
to expect life to be...

enjoyable.

Then one day,
you wake up,

and all those years of pleasure
have gone by,

and what have you got
to show for it?

Happiness.

How true.

Here it is.
Where's our birthday girl?

She's in the back.
She'll be out in a minute.

Oh, Sam,
would you call her?

Carla!

I have a great deal to do.

We want to start
moving my clothes in tonight.

Frasier, do you have
enough closet space?

Loads, Diane.
Don't worry about that.

Carla, Frasier and Diane here
have a gift for you.

Be still, my heart.

Many happy returns,
Carla.

Yeah, yeah.

Beautiful wrapping.

Oh, yes, Coach,
exquisite wrapping.

Now let's get to the joke.

Oh... Oh, Diane,
these are beautiful.

Frasier
picked them out.

Thank you, Frasier.

Don't mention it.

Sam, how about a little vino
to break them in?

Yeah, yeah.
I want to make a toast.

I want to toast
to the two people

who had enough class
to get me a real gift.

To Diane and Frasier.

No matter how many times
I give fine dribble crystal,

I never tire of it.

So, uh,
how's it going, Carla?

Fine, thank you.

But, say, don't think
I don't appreciate

busy guys like you
caring enough to ask.

I think she's still sore
about the gag gifts.

She's, uh,
more than sore.

She's hurt, offended,
and, uh, resentful.

Yep.

If she were wearing
dirty bunny slippers,

she could be Vera.

You know, it's our fault,
really, you know.

If we had chipped in
together,

we could have gotten her
something nice.

Well, it's not too late.

I mean, we can still
give her a surprise.

Just buy her
a real gift.

Well, uh, I'm
a knowledgeable shopper.

I'll be happy
to take charge of, uh...

"Operation Make-Good."

Hey, just a second here now.

We sure we want Cliff
to handle this?

He's likely to go off
and buy something kind of tasteless.

Yeah, but none of us'll
know the difference.

All right, Cliff ie.
Yeah, be our man.

Afternoon, everyone.

Golly, isn't it a beautiful day?

How are the new
living arrangements going, huh?

Oh, like a charm.

I don't know why we didn't do it
right from the start.

Is that right?

Yeah, I couldn't
be happier,

absolutely.

Say, Diane, uh...

Yeah, yeah, I know,
I know, I'm sorry.

You'll have to excuse that.
I have some...

Some kind of an itch,

sort of in the back
of my throat,

but not exactly.

Have you ever had
one of... those?

Boy, it's almost as if
it's inside my ear...

But not there, either,
you know?

- Gee, that must be maddening.
- Yeah.

Let me get you
the ice pick.

Well, it was worse before.
I was sneezing all morning.

At least that's stopped.

Hmm. Gee,
I wonder what causes it, huh?

That adorable puppy
of Frasier's.

Little Pavlov?

Well, she's very sweet,
of course, but I'm a cat person.

I obviously have some kind
of an allergy to dogs.

Are you sure
it's the dog?

Well, what else could it be?

Well, you've been around
that dog before.

I mean, you must have.

You know...

moving in with Frasier
is kind of a big commitment.

I just wonder

if this whole so-called allergy thing
might not be psychosomatic.

Oh, Sam, I'm very impressed.

That's a complex
psychological concept

coming from a man
who has to write L and R

on the bottom of his shoes.

So does that mean
you agree with me or not?

Don't be ridiculous.

Gee, you know,
I just had this thought.

Could it possibly be

that you still love
somebody from your past?

You?

Well, not necessarily.

It could have been Sumner
or anybody, for that matter,

but isn't it interesting
that I automatically spring to mind?

No.

You automatically spring to mind
whenever I hear something stupid.

Hello, my dearest darling.

Frasier.

Uh... Gesundheit.

Diane, I've reconsidered.

I was quite unyielding
this morning,

and I now realize
that your happiness comes first,

so I must give up Pavlov.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Of course, I can't just
put the little tyke out on the streets.

I mean, I've got to find her
the best possible home.

That could be a lengthy,
time-consuming process.

I'll take her.

Frasier, I realize
that this may--

I mean, if the dog is
the only thing standing between you,

then if I take her away,

everything'll be fine
for Diane, right?

I mean,
and I love dogs, Frasier.

I'll give her a great home.
I will.

- Well, there we are, then.
- Yeah.

Done, Sam. Done,
and by golly, done.

- She's yours.
- Good.

Well, then, that should clear
just about everything up, huh?

Well, I should say so.

And we're mighty
grateful, too, Sam.

Aren't we, Diane?

Oh, my, yes.

In fact, do you want
to hear something funny?

Just knowing
that the dog is going,

I'm already feeling better.

No more allergies.

Gesundheit.

Hello, Sam.

Hey, Frasier.

Well, what can I get you?

Well, I've got a pretty heavy
patient load this afternoon.

Why don't you make it
a triple Stinger and a beer chaser?

No, no, let me have a club soda.

So, Sam, listen, fill me in.

I'm hungry for news
of little Pavlov.

Pavlov?

Oh, you must mean little Diane.

Beg your pardon?

Yeah, I renamed the puppy Diane.

I figured you wouldn't mind.

I mean, it's my puppy now.

Yeah, boy, I tell you,
it's so wonderful.

I come home.

She gives me a little trouble,

I swat her on the rear end
and say, "Shut up, Diane."

And she does.

It's heaven.

Sam, I have to be honest
with you.

Changing the dog's name
hurts me a little.

Don't you think two Dianes
will be a little confusing?

Oh, maybe you're right.
I hadn't thought of that.

Well, we'll just have
to call your girlfriend Pavlov.

By the way, how is Pavlov's allergies
now that I got Diane?

Well, you know, these things
don't clear up overnight.

The latest symptom
is a recurring voice change.

A what?

Well, you'll have to hear it.

I don't think words
can do it justice.

Psst. Sam.

- Yeah?
- Where's Carla?

Come here.

I did it, I did it.

I went out...

I got her
a great birthday present.

You mean it's Carla's birthday
already again?

They tell me
that the older you get,

the time goes...

No, no, Coach, Coach,
this is just a real gift to make up

for those gag gifts
we got.

A real gift, which had better be good.

Hi, sweetheart.

Sam.

Hey, uh, Carla?

Many happy returns.

No, thanks.

No more hilarious
gifts, okay?

My sides are still sore
from last week.

Carla, it's a very nice gift.

Oh, yeah?

What does it do, uh, explode?
Stink?

Or make disgusting sounds?

No, no, no, this is the real gift,
Carla,

which better be good.

Oh, oh, this is beautiful.

Oh, I love this.
It's perfect!

All right.

Oh, this makes up
for everything, I think.

Well, you know, it's not easy
for me to say thanks, but...

Thanks, guys.

Okay...

- Hey, way to go, Cliff.
- Way to go.

Thanks, guys.

Hey, uh, you haven't heard
the best part, though.

The longer you wear it,

the body heat makes the words
"I am horny as a hoot owl"

appear right on the back.

Get him
out of here.

See you tomorrow, gang.

Good night, Cliff.

Excuse me, Sam?

Something's been troubling me.

I... I think I gave you
the wrong impression a while ago

that Diane and I are unhappy.

No, no.

Well, you know, we're just going
through a period of adjustment. You know.

In fact, today, I think,
she's shown some improvement.

Hello, everyone.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hello, Diane.

Aren't you going
to say gesundheit?

Diane, I'm afraid
we've moved past "gesundheit',

and we're now on our way
to "stuff a sock in it."

Frasier!

I'm sorry.
You know I was joking.

How come you still
have allergies if I've got Diane?

Diane?

That's what he calls Pavlov.

Don't ask.

Well, Diane, are you
feeling any better?

There are obviously still traces
of Pavlov in the apartment

which I cannot remove.

And she's really tried.

So far I've had it fumigated,

I've had all the furniture
reupholstered,

had the wallpaper steamed off.

Yeah. Looks darned good,
incidentally.

We discovered natural brick
on most of one wall,

and I think the place
really needed redecorating.

Sweetheart, how would you feel
about linoleum in the living room?

What?

Well, a lot of people
have done it,

and I'm almost sure
I've seen pictures...

That's it, that's it, that's it!

I can't take it anymore.

Denial, evasion, repression--

I've devoted myself professionally
to fighting all of these,

and now I'm wading in them
upstream.

Okay, okay,
keep the carpet.

Diane, we're both
intelligent enough

to know how often
allergic reactions are psychosomatic.

Gee, there's a thought.

Maybe on some
subconscious level,

you really don't want
to be living with me.

Frasier, it's the dog.

I keep telling you, it's the dog!

The voice.

Diane,
the damn dog is gone.

She's halfway across
the city.

I don't want to go on
putting you through all this.

Frasier...

We've made
a commitment here.

Obviously, you're not ready yet
for this kind of commitment.

Perhaps someday you will be.
Perhaps not.

We'll just have
to wait and see.

No, I'm going
to make this work.

Diane, please,
don't hold on to this for me.

I love you,

but I think your health
is more important.

Maybe you're right.

I'm sure I'm right.

Now, listen, go and gargle
and spray your throat,

use your inhaler,

take your antihistamine,

and, uh, put
your nose drops in.

Use whatever else you can find
in that pharmacy you call a purse.

Well, Sam, aren't you
going to gloat?

I like to think
I'm above that, Diane.

Now, am I nuts,
or is that kind of sexy?

Oh, Frasier, I'm s--

That's a tough break.

Damn it, Sam.

I really thought we were going
to make it work in a big way.

Well, I bet you do,

and I bet you
do it pretty soon too.

Will you excuse me?

Well, Sam, the problem is,
you see, now I'm entirely alone.

Yeah, yeah, that's tough.

I want my doggie back!

Frasier, I-I've grown accustomed
to the old girl.

Well, my emotional need for her
right now is stronger than yours.

Yeah, but she's mine.

Yeah, but I love her.

Well, you can find
another one.

Sam, I don't even want to talk
about this anymore.

There's nothing you can say
that would make me change my mind.

She's mine
and she always will be.

You were never anything
but a port in the storm.

I want her
and I'm going to have her.

And nobody's going to stand in my way
or else they'll suffer my wrath.

Do I make myself clear,
Mr. Malone?

Frasier!

This is so exciting.

You are the only man who has ever
proclaimed his feelings for me

with such eloquence.

Uh, I got a flash
for you here, Diane.

- What we were talking about--
- Sam, she knows perfectly well

what and who
we were talking about.

She's a clever girl
and a... a beautiful one.

Frasier, do you know

that there's a Kurosawa film festival
playing at Cambridge?

Well, Diane, I'm not really
in the mood to go--

Kurosawa, you say?

Kurosawa, and I'm really
in the mood.

Oh, I could see his films
again and again

and again and again...

Sam, uh, could I have
the afternoon off, please?

Yes, Sam, you wouldn't want
to stand between me and Diane

and, uh, The Seven Samurai,
would you?

No, no, no, no.

I hope all nine of you
have a wonderful time.

Sammy, Frasier walks
out of here with Diane

and you get to go home
to a dog.

Yeah, somebody up there
likes me.