All language subtitles for Cheers.S03E08.Diane.Meets.Mom.1080p.BluRay.FLAC2.0.H.264-BTN_track4_[eng]

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Hello.

Oh, hi. What can I get you?

I'm a phone company repairman.

Oh, I'm a bartender.
Ernie Pantusso.

Phil Ryan.

I got a call
to come down here.

Gee, there must be
some mistake, Phil.

I didn't call
for any repairmen.

I think
Sam put in a call, Coach.

He did?
Gee, that's strange.

He didn't say anything to me
about it.

I better give him a call
and find out what this is all about.

Bum luck, Phil. Phone's out.

Give him
a couple of seconds.

Say, Phil?

Uh, I hate to impose on you,

but since they got you down here
on this wild-goose chase,

would you mind taking a look
at the phone?

Sure.

Thank you.

Lucky thing he happened by here,
huh, Carla?

Sometimes fate
takes a hand, Coach.

Hi, everybody.

I bet you're surprised
to see me

on my night off.

Yeah, we didn't hear your broom
pull up.

What are you doing here tonight?

I'm having dinner upstairs
with Frasier and his mother.

She's a seafood aficionado,

and we think she'll like
the bouillabaisse at Melville's.

You're having dinner
with Frasier's mother?

You actually deduced

I'm having dinner
with Frasier and his mother

when all I did
was say it in your presence?

No flash cards,
no crib notes on your sleeve?

Uncanny.

Well, we're a little edgy
tonight, aren't we?

But I guess
I can't blame you.

Meeting Mom is a big step
in a relationship.

Granted, meeting
your prospective fiancé's mother,

especially when
she's an eminent psychiatrist

trained to spot the slightest quirk
in a person's behavior,

could be a nerve-wracking evening

for somebody who's actually
going to be there.

But I'm not. Good night.

Chickening out, huh, Diane?

Absolutely not.
They're 12 seconds late.

Hey, come on.
Get back here.

Sit down and have
a glass of wine.

Coach?

Sit down now, honey,
and just relax.

Everything's going to be fine.

Just remember--
now, don't snap your gum,

don't chew
with your mouth open,

and for God's sakes,
don't play with your bra straps.

I'll try to remember
that, Coach.

Well, trying's not good enough.

I'll just have to write it down
for you.

Afternoon, everybody.

- Norm!
- Norman.

Well, what would you say
to a nice beer, Normie?

"Going down?"

Listen, uh, Coach...

Yeah?

Do me a favor,
and, uh,

don't make a big fuss
over me today, okay?

- You know?
- You got it.

You know, no cakes, candles,
party hats, singing. None of that, huh?

Okay.

You know, because, really,

it would be so embarrassing,
you know what I mean?

And no gifts, all right?

Yeah...

Whatever you do,
don't ask me how old I am today.

Normie, is today your birthday?

Coach, you remembered, huh?

Hey, everybody,
it's Normie's birthday.

All right, let me buy
the birthday boy a drink here.

Please, you're making
too big a deal out of this.

There you are,
my darling.

At last you two meet.

The woman who gave me life
and the woman who gives me life.

- Oh, Frasier.
- Oh, Frasier.

Forgive me.

I lose my head in the company
of beautiful women.

Dr. Crane--

Oh, please, dear,
call me Hester.

Hester,
it's a pleasure.

Oh, it's
my pleasure.

Let me take your coat, Mother.

Diane?

Here's the list of tips
I promised.

Thank you, Coach.

I also
added instructions

for a dainty way
to dispose of gristle.

Oh, Frasier, she's lovely.

You know, he's made no secret
of the fact,

but even he didn't do you
justice.

Well, in an anxiety-provoking
situation such as this,

one tends to respond
with exaggerated compliments.

Let me just be frank.

You are the most strikingly
handsome woman

I've ever laid eyes on.

Oh...

Something exciting
is happening here.

Exciting,
but not surprising.

I say, by the end of the evening
you two will be thick as thieves.

Only if we can't resist the temptation
to pig out on cheesecake.

Hey, Doc.

Doc.

Uh, Vic's ready for you
upstairs.

I hope everybody's
got an appetite.

I'll never eat again.

Let me, uh,
hurry on up

and make sure
we've got a good table.

I'm thick with Vic.

Well, Mother...

Oh, boy, you see that?

What?

Well, Frasier purposely
avoided

drawing me
into the conversation.

Yeah, I noticed that, too,
Cliff ie.

What's his problem?

Oh, he knows how well-versed I am
in his field, Coach.

I've embarrassed
many a professional so-called expert.

Actually, Cliff,

I think you've embarrassed
everybody you know.

Well, as long as you're saying it,
it's not bragging.

Hey, Norm!

When did you get here?

Thirty-six years ago
today.

Yeah, it's my buddy Norm's
birthday today.

- Is that right?
- Yep.

Well, I think the birthday
of one of my best customers

deserves a little
of the old bubbly.

No, no, no, no.

Well, maybe you're right.

- Hey!
- Just kidding, just kidding.

- You got me!
- Open this up on the double there,

will ya, Coach?

Congratulations, man,
and many happy returns.

Thanks.

Just as long as
you don't go singing "Happy Birthday".

You know, 'cause I'd really
hate that, you know,

if you sang "Happy Birthday".

Yeah, just because it is my...
Happy...

- Happy Birthday to you...
- No!

- Happy Birthday to you...
- You guys.

Cut it out.
Come on, now.

Happy Birthday, dear Norm

Hold on!

Norm!

Are you all right?

Are you okay,
buddy?

Yeah, yeah. I'm all right.

Ooh, that sucker nearly hit me.

Hold-- hold--
hold still now.

Why don't you, uh,
sit down here for a second?

Nah, nah.

You all right?

Yeah.

How many fingers I got?

Three.

Not you, Coach.

Three.

Sure, after I give him
the answer.

- You sure?
- Yes, I'm fine.

Uh, now, wait
a minute, Sammy.

The primary symptom
of postprandial trauma

is a blurring
of the metatarsals.

Cliff, shut up.

Oh, okay, fine,
I'll shut up.

Go ahead
and wallow in ignorance.

I think we're reentering
the Dark Ages here.

Do we gain an hour
or lose an hour there?

Would you guys
cut it out?

Hey, listen, why don't you
go see a doctor?

- That thing hit you pretty hard.
- Nah, I'm all right.

No, come on.
Play it safe.

Go to the emergency room.
I'll pay for it.

No, no, no,
a little rap on the head,

doesn't even hurt anymore.

Normie's right.

I got a rap in the head
all the time in baseball.

I never
went to a doctor.

- And you'll keep my glass chilled?
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah,
terrific, Normie,

I'll pass that on.

Hey, listen, everybody,

Normie's just fine.

They're just keeping him
in the hospital overnight

to do a few more tests
on him.

A lot of people
miss the whimsy in Jung.

He's given me
many a chuckle.

I wrote one of my favorite
papers about it.

It's entitled, tongue in cheek,
of course,

"Hello, Jung Lovers."

How clever.

Oh, dear.

Something just struck me.

I hope I haven't
dominated the conversation tonight.

Oh, nonsense, Diane.

The wine and your verbiage

were the perfect complement
to our meal.

Now, listen,
why don't you two have a seat

and I'll get us a fine cordial?

Will you entrust me
to make the selection?

Now, I have a very special
little treat in mind

that I've just discovered,
and I'd like to surprise you with it.

Oh, Frasier, you're mad,
but I love you.

Three cans of Schlitz.

Listen, and listen carefully.

Stop seeing my son or,
as God is my witness, I'll kill you.

Something to munch on.

Yum, yum, yum.

Now listen to me.

I have a gun.

I know how to use it.

Here we are.

Oh, doesn't that
look lovely?

What do you
call it?

Well, it's a delightful
pear liqueur.

Oh, sounds delicious,
doesn't it, Diane?

I think she likes it.

Well, I hate to leave
your company again so soon,

but I must, uh,
visit the men's room.

You know what they say,

you only rent
a Chateau Lafite Rothschild.

I'll go with you.

Well, Diane,
there are some things

a man must do alone.

If you love me,
you won't do this now.

Well, it's a peculiar test
of a man's affection,

but, uh, I think I'm up to it.

You know, I've just
had an inspiration.

What say we go
to an intimate cabaret

and hear some jazz?

Oh, that's a wonderful idea,
Frasier.

How do you feel about it, Diane?

Diane, you're white
as a sheet.

Are you okay?

I'm a little tired, Frasier.

Why don't you and Hester
go alone without me?

No, we wouldn't
think of it.

No, no, I insist.

Um, I'll be fine. I'll call a cab.

I wouldn't want to interfere
with your fun time. Please.

She's tired. Don't press her.

Go home, dear.

Rest.

You need a night on the town
like you need a hole in the head.

I'll be fine.

Thank you.

Very well.

I'll, uh, call you later.

So, how'd dinner go?

She wants to kill me.

You got to start picking up
some checks, Diane.

Sam, I have to ask you
a question,

and promise me
you won't make a joke out of it.

Okay? Promise.

Yeah, I promise.

What's up?

Do you think I'm crazy?

Yes.

Now that we've gotten the joke
out of the way,

will you please help me?

I know this is a strange question,
but it's important.

Do you think I'm... crazy?

Yes.

I should have known better.

You're incapable
of a rational conversation.

Everything has to be
some flip remark.

Well, all right,
now wait a minute.

Do you mean are you crazy
like seriously unbalanced,

like losing your grasp
on reality?

Yes.

Oh, well, then... yes.

When you're ready
to discuss this as an adult,

then we will talk.

Say, do I, uh, sense
a bit of tension

between you
and dear old Mother Crane?

Well, I don't want to blow this
out of proportion.

Doesn't every woman feel
their mother-in-law-to-be

is an evil, dark-hearted,
psychotic murderess?

I mean, competitor?

What exactly did she say?

I don't remember it
word for word.

Something about "I have a gun,"
and "I know how to use it."

And then before she left,

she said I needed
a night on the town

like I needed
a hole in the head.

That's kind of cute.

Cute?

You think a death threat
is cute?

Well, not as a rule, no,
but, uh, you know, come on,

you know, your sense of humor's
not exactly your strong point.

Now is it possible
that this lady's joking with you?

Well, anything is possible,
but what's funny about...

a hole in the head?

Is it possible?

Oh, I feel so foolish.

She must think I'm a twit.

Don't worry about that,
because when I first met you,

I thought you were a twit too.

Boy, this gal
is a real kidder, huh?

I mean, we're talking
veritable goose.

Well, fortunately,
we're having lunch together

so I can show Hester

that I can give as good as I get.

Afternoon, everybody.

- Norm!
- Normie!

What's up, Norm?

Everything
that's supposed to be.

Hey, Norm, how're you doing?

I hear you spent the night
in the hospital.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm okay, though.

I'm fine.

Here, uh, you can just take care
of this at your leisure, I suppose.

Six-hundred
and eighty-three dollars?

- Yeah.
- Just to have your head checked?

Yeah, isn't that something?

Well, they did a whole battery
of tests on me, Sam.

Hey, I thought the important thing
is that I'm okay, isn't it?

Well, no.

Well, now I mean, yes,

but $683!

Well, Sammy, uh,

the cost of diagnostic testing
has gone up dramatically.

I read recently where it's
run into billions every year.

Gee, I didn't know
so many people got hit by corks.

What all'd they do to you
down there, Norm?

Mostly routine stuff.

Well, I did take care
of one other little matter.

Like what?

Oh, I had a little mole removed.

And you stuck me with it?

Norm, where did you
have a mole?

That, uh, must have been
the one on your butt there, huh?

Uh, Norm, I didn't know
you were that... vain.

Who's ever going
to see your rear end?

You're just
about to, wise guy.

I think you took advantage
of me here, Norm.

Well, Sam, I figured
you'd want to throw in the mole.

Makes a nice birthday gift,
you know.

All right, you want to be
hard-nosed about it, come on.

I'll pay for it. Hey, come on.

- No, no, no.
- No, yes.

Happy birthday.

Thank you, Sam.

It's just what I wanted.

You're welcome.

You know, I know
it's a little early,

but I wouldn't say no
to a tummy tuck for Christmas.

I'll think about it.

Oh, hey, Diane,
look who's here.

If you have knees,
prepare to slap them now.

Hello, dear.

Hello, Diane,
are you feeling better?

- Much better, thank you.
- Good.

If, uh, Sam the slave driver
will let us steal you away,

I have reservations
for three for lunch.

Oh, sounds good.

Hester, I've been thinking a lot
about our little talk last night.

I hope you've been thinking
long and hard.

I have.

Frasier,

I came to a decision last night.

When and if we marry,

I think we should commit
"Mommie Dearest" here

to a rest home,

making sure that beating
and starving

are the only forms
of recreation.

Diane!

- I, uh, beg your pardon?
- Diane...

In fact, I feel like
slapping your face right now.

Take me out of here
this moment.

Well, it's a joke.

Come on. I'm obviously kidding.

We're not going to put the woman
in a rest home.

We'll have her
with us always.

We're going to have her stuffed.

And I'll even slit her throat
in the process.

Thank you, Sam.

I've never encountered
such hostility,

personally
or professionally.

I'm leaving.

No, no, just a minute,
let's all take a beat.

Now, the three of us
are going into Sam's office

and we're going to work
this thing through.

There's got to be
some logical explanation.

And there'd better be, Diane.

Well, it's a joke.

It's all joking.

Hester, you're with me
on this, aren't you?

If terrible threats
constitute jokes,

no, I'm not with you
on this.

Okay, time to take stock here.

I'm not crazy.

Right, Diane?
Right you are.

A whole year of my life.

Hester, I was trying
to joke with you

like you were
joking with me.

And if you weren't joking,

then you threatened my life last night,
and I think you--

- I what?
- She what?

She said that
if I didn't stop seeing you,

she'd shoot me.

This was obviously a mistake.

Oh, no!

You know perfectly well
you threatened my life.

Diane, for heaven's sake!

I will not stay
and be talked to like this.

Frasier, she is a rude,
boorish, spiteful woman,

who, for some reason that I don't understand,
resents me terribly.

Now, Mother, please.

Liar, liar,
pants on fire.

Diane.

I'm not lying. She is.

And if you love me,

you'll stand up for me right now
when I need it.

But, Diane, I--

Frasier, I'm asking you
to leave with me now.

Frasier,

this is
the most important moment

in our relationship.

If you abandon me now,
that's it.

Mother,
why did you threaten Diane?

You believe her?

Yes.

Oh, God.

I've lost you.

Oh, Frasier, I did say
those terrible things,

but, believe me,
I had good reason.

Okay, she said them,
but she had good reasons.

Not good enough.

They'd better be good.

The best in the world.

Oh, I wanted to save you

from ruining what could be
a brilliant career.

I just can't stand the picture
of you being married

to a pseudo-intellectual
barmaid.

No offense intended.

None taken.

Ça ne fait rien.

Mother, I can't believe this
of you,

a woman who has always been

the most gentle, rational
human being I've ever known.

Oh, my dear boy,

you know that I would never
follow through

on my threat to kill her.

You know, as I was
pricing revolvers this morning,

I realized
how irrational my feelings were.

But don't you understand?

I'd rather see you...

shoveling sherbet
at Howard Johnson's

in a silly hat and an apron
than...

than make a bad marriage.

Mother, you don't understand.

We're not going to have
a bad marriage.

And I'm not going
to shovel sherbet.

But I would be happy
doing it

if Diane
were at my side.

Oh, Frasier...

I never realized

how much this woman
meant to you.

Of course,
I don't really understand why.

I never could understand
your spider collection either,

but I grew to accept that.

Diane,
she's reaching out.

Please.

Dr. Crane, I'm sorry

if I made a bad first impression,
but I think--

No, I know
it was a wrong impression.

I may be a diamond
in the rough now,

but I'm a dreamer...

and I have a habit
of making dreams come true.

When and if
I marry Frasier Crane,

I will be the kind of wife
and family

you'll be proud to know
and claim.

Why, people will get tired

hearing you boast
about your daughter-in-law.

Diane, I see
I've handled this so badly.

Well, yes.

I suppose I've made
a few mistakes myself.

Oh, let's go out
and come in again.

I'd love to.

This is the most incredible moment
of my entire day.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to take
you two future best pals

out to the finest lunch
in town.

Sounds good.

Okay.

I need
a glass of water.

Oh, you two,
you go ahead.

I'll catch up with you.

Oh, that's okay.
It's free of charge.

I understand
you used to date that woman.

I want to know
how much you'd charge

to start things up again.

You don't have enough money.

How would you know?

There isn't enough money.

I know what you mean.

No, I don't think you do.

I think I do.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

Oh, no.