All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine-Nine.S06E16.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Hey, hey, hey!
It's the best day of the year.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

I don't think you're allowed to
wear a poncho at work, Hitchcock.

-[ELEVATOR DINGS]
-Let's fiesta!

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]

Oh, you got a band.

Stop! Stop! No trumpets.

Not today! My head is killing me.

Hit the tequila a little early, huh?

I'm not hung over, Hitchcock.
I've got a tension headache.

I've got the lieutenant's exam tonight.

I'm stress-eating like crazy.

I had ten hard-boiled
egg yolks this morning.

Gross. You're having a high-grade

pre-test freak out.

I've been there. March 13, 2001.

AP Calc test…
Ames, I hate to cut you off,

but we all know where this story's going.

Oh, yeah? You know that I crapped
my pants in the middle of the test?

Oh, my God, no, I thought
you were just gonna say

you got a B+ or something.

More like a BM. Noice.

Come on, now Terry's worried
about his test and his bowels.

What you need, Sergeant,
is to distract yourself.

NPR has a riveting six-hour
interview with Eileen Moon Myers.

Nobody knows who that is.

Nobody knows the
associate principal cellist

in the New York Philharmonic?
[SNORTS] Okay.

Wait! I've got it.

I know how to distract Terry.

Captain, remember how you
canceled the last Halloween heist

because there was that
emergency gas line explosion

and you said we had to "help out"?

Yes, I also remember

you refusing to believe
the explosion was real.

Go back to acting school, buddy.

You're way overselling the pain here.

No one's buying it.

Well, it's not like I was the
only one who thought it was fake.

And the Oscar goes to… Trent!

You said that we should
reschedule the heist

for another day, so why not today?

To help distract Terry?

Yes! And I would love to defend my crown

after I destroyed you all last year.

Well, I mean, the proposal
was all part of my plan.

All I remember is you
bowing to me on your knees.

Yeah, I was asking you to marry me.

Well, you look like a fool.

Neither of you won
because Jake swapped out

the real championship cummerbund…

Belt. For the treacly proposal one.

What? I thought everyone loved
that I used the heist to do the proposal.

You are wrong, everyone hated it.
But it helped me win.

During your engagement
celebration, I snuck back

and found the original cummerbund. Belt.

It's hanging up in my
living room at home.

I never thought I'd say
this, but enough foreplay.

Are we heisting or not?

Yes! Of course!

Wait, I will only do this
under one condition.

Sergeant Jeffords agrees
that this will help his nerves.

Yeah, I mean, I would like
to take my mind off the test.

And maybe I'll win this year!

[LAUGHS] Ah, the
heist is already working.

Sergeant Jeffords has
recovered his sense of humor.

-[ALL LAUGHING]
-Hey!

All right, but for real, though.

Are we doing this?

We're doing this! Heist!

ALL: Heist!

It's a Cinco de Mayo heist!

A Cinco de Mayo heist

makes just as much sense as Halloween!
Let's do it!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Welcome, one and all, to the first ever

Cinco de Mayo Halloween Heist 6.

We're still working on the title.

No need, I love it! Thank you, Charles.

Now, before we go any further,

we should probably
choose an item to steal.

Does anyone have
anything valuable on them?

Maybe some jewelry?

I have a medical alert
bracelet that tells people

my name and address,

in case I have a brain collapse.

Perfect, this year's champion

will be whoever's in possession

of Scully's very upsetting
bracelet at midnight tonight.

I take my test at 6:30.
You know what, Terry?

You're kind of making this a nightmare.

Maybe you just shouldn't participate.

So this really isn't about
helping out Sergeant Jeffords?

What? I guess I'm out.

But, no, no, come on.

Of course, I'm 100% in support of Terry.

In fact, I'm going to team up with him.

[CHUCKLING] Let's do this!

You are so easily manipulated.

Now you're stuck with Sergeant Dumb Dumb.

Damn it. Hey.

Santiago, shall we join forces?

Ooh!
Smart, teaming up with the reigning champ.

Again with this nonsense?
I'm the reigning champ.

The only thing you won
last heist was a lifetime of

mediocre heterosexual
intercourse with Jake.

[GASPS] How dare you!

No one thinks you won last year.

Wow, really thought the
"how dare you" was going to be

linked to his mean sex comment, but okay.

Right, sorry. I'll have you know

Jake and I wear each
other out every single night.

Good lord, overcompensating.
You know what?

Maybe we just shouldn't
talk about this at work.

I'm texting Kevin to
bring the cummerbund.

You'll see who the real winner is,

you braggy breeders.

A lot of infighting.
Not too late to ditch Amy

and team up with this pussycat burglar.

Please, Boyle, your only value

was you had a doppelganger

which no longer matters
since Bill died in that accident.

RIP, Bill. So sad.

I can still be useful without Bill.

No hole's too tight for these tiny tips.

[ALL GROANING]

For stealing stuff.

Well, fine.

Looks like I'll just team
up with my friend Rosa.

I'm out. Five heists was enough.

We've exhausted every
possibility of this thing.

Literally nothing new can happen.
It's boring.

You can have a long
lunch with me instead.

Ooh, lunch? The devil's breakfast.

Well, forget it.
Okay, I won't call it that!

I just want to be included in something.

Okay, that whole lunch
thing was clearly a ploy.

But even still, I'm not
worried about losing to Boyle.

No one is. He's a joke.

All right, let's get this thing going.

Scully will be locked

in the supply closet with his bracelet.

Can I lie down on the floor?

Uh, yeah. You can do whatever you want.

And you're already on the ground.

With Hitchcock.
And you both have pillows.

Best day ever.

There. Now they're locked in.

Arrange your affairs.
The heist begins in five minutes.

Five minutes?
But this whole thing was so last second.

I don't even have any plans or supplies.

I have so many plans and supplies.

I even have a victory banner

that unfurls with a voice command.

I can't say what, but it's so cool.

I thought this was a
spur-of-the-moment fun way

to distract me from
freaking out about my exam.

Well, it wasn't exactly
hard to predict, Sarge.

Your catchphrase is "Terry hates tests."

It's true. Terry hates tests!

But the point is, I planned everything,

starting with Scully's bracelet.

It had to be the prize
because I have prepared

the greatest reveal in heist history.

Allow me to introduce you to…

Other Scully.

Hi, I'm Earl, Norm's twin brother.

Why has Scully never
mentioned he had a twin before?

Because no one talks about
their siblings with coworkers.

I've told you about my brother Lawrence.

Nope, and I don't want to learn about him

and I already forgot his name.

Now let's go. It's time to heist!

No movement yet. So here's our plan.

After watching everyone coo
over your maudlin proposal,

I've decided we should
employ a similar diversion.

Smart, I'm in. You will tell Jake

you are pregnant with his child.

What? I'm not pregnant.

Here is a positive pregnancy test

and a sonogram of your fetus.

Congratulations. It's a girl.

Feels a little mean to play
with Jake's feelings like that, sir.

You're right, it is mean. Too bad.

As your mentor, I command you to do it.

Wow, okay.

Perhaps we should
discuss some other options.

There's no time, look.

Peralta's going for the bracelet!

How'd he get him free so quickly?

See ya later, losers! Not so fast!

-[TASER CRACKLING]
-[PERALTA GRUNTS]

What the hell was that?

That Fitbit I gave you at Christmas?

I modified it into a Taser.

What?
Do you even want me to get into shape?

Yeah, but not as much as I want to win.

Buzz buzz, bitch.

I've got Scully. Come on, let's go.

-[TASER CRACKLING]
-[GRUNTING]

No! No!

Yes.

Fake heist went perfectly.

So did the real heist.

Why is your face twitching like that?

Oh, Amy Tased me a bunch.
I bit my own tongue.

It was awesome.
Was it hard to get through the door?

No. I'm strong as hell.

The hard part was getting
this bracelet off Scully's wrist.

How can you even feel your
hand with this thing so tight?

You're supposed to feel your hand?
Well, that's terrifying.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to hide the old
bracelet and win me this heist.

Don't you mean win us this heist?

Oh, Terrence, unfortunately I do not.

What the hell? Sorry, Sarge.

It had to be this way. Why?

The banner only has my name on it.

It's really all about the banner.

It unfurls by a voice command.

But I promise that I will mention

both you and Earl Scully
in my victory speech.

-Wait, Earl's here?
-PERALTA: Yeah.

He helped us with the heist.

I told that son of a bitch

never to show his face in New York again!

Oh, why are you running
towards the glass?

[GRUNTS]

You're a dead man, Earl!

That's not great.
You're a dead man, Jake!

That's much worse.

Squirt more lube and help me yank.

You know that fun braggy recap
we do at the end of each win?

Can we leave this part out?

[GRUNTS] Yes.
We'll make up a cooler thing.

But for now, we lube and yank.

Wrap your legs around
him to anchor yourself.

Yep. Here we go.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Earl? Earl!

Norm?

-EARL: Norm?
-SANTIAGO: What the…

EARL: I'm so happy
your friend invited me to…

I told you what would happen
if I ever saw you again, Earl.

What is going on? What am I looking at?

JEFFORDS: Scully has
a twin brother named Earl.

Jake brought him here to trick you.

Thank you for the ride, Terrence.

Apparently they don't
get along very well.

We did get along. We were inseparable,

until Earl slept with my wife.

It's not my fault

she wanted to have sex
with a stud instead of a dud.

Stud? Your face looks it's
been kicked in by a horse!

Well, your mouth looks like a butthole!

Your whole body looks like a butthole.

And you look identical.

[GRUNTING]

Should we help Scully?

I'm not touching this.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]

SCULLY: There's nowhere to run, Earl.

Well, that was a real mind eff.

Goodbye. Just so you know,

Jake has the bracelet in his pocket.

Why would you tell them that?
We're a team!

You locked me up.
Yeah, but they didn't know that!

There's no bracelet in his pocket.

What? There should be.

Where'd it go?

Shalom, partner. Dope.

And you thought Shlomo
Ben-Yisrael wouldn't come through.

No, I said the name and the costume

were offensive, bordering on actionable.

Well, it worked.
Jake brought in Scully's twin

just like I planned when I
connected them on Facebook,

but he had no idea they hated each other.

BOYLE: And when everyone was fighting,

they were too distracted
to notice old Shlomo.

They all underestimated me, Rosa,

but today, they will learn
the error of their ways,

for today, I will prove that nobody
gets the best of Charles Boyle.

I doused your beard in chloroform.

Really? I find that very hard to…

Where's this going?
All the way to Trenton.

Take your time.

Ah! Perfect.

What? What happened?
You know where the bracelet is?

No. Kevin has arrived with proof

that I am the only two-time
winner of the heist. [SIGHS]

Here's your cummerbund, Raymond.

We don't have time for this, sir!

I'm gonna go search the first floor.

And I will search the second floor.

We are an inseparable team.

That was a devious fib.

I'm betraying her even as we speak.

Hey, Kev.
Diaz and I are covertly working together.

She snuck up through the vents.

This is a major reveal.
I feel like you're not appreciating it.

I don't like these heists, or
what they bring out in you.

Oh, clam it, Kevin. "Clam it"?

Cheddar, perhaps we should leave.

No, Cheddar stays.

He still has an important role to play.

Give me Mr. Hootsworth.

No one would ever think
of looking for the bracelet

in Cheddar's favorite chew toy.

Or do you mean Jake's favorite chew toy?

[LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY]

Well, thank God no one
was around to hear that.

Ah. There you are.
I've been looking all over.

Whoa! That's a lot of yolks.
Are you stress eating again

or is this just a small Terry snack?

I'm stress eating, Jake.

My snack yolks are in that bowl.

Well, stop eating eggs and
come help me with the heist!

I'm not helping you. Why not?

Ugh, is this because I once betrayed you?

Yes! It was our last interaction.

And it was a huge mistake,

and I now realize that our friendship

is way more important
than any stupid banner.

Look, the bracelet is
in Cheddar's chew toy.

I know because I bugged
Holt's cummerbund.

You did? Yes! I figured he would

bring it in to show off.
Now let's do this!

I don't know.

Look, Sarge, I'm sorry, okay?

I can't undo the past, but come on.

Would you rather win the heist with me

or sit around swallowing eggs

like Birdo from Super Mario 2?

Birdo doesn't eat eggs. Birdo spits them!

Oh, my God, you got
that reference, Terry?

We're the perfect team.
Come on, Sarge, please?

Fine, I'll help. Ah! Wonderful.

But, before you fully commit,

I should probably give you the heads-up.

My plan is very elaborate
and you might get a little messy.

I'm in. It's the heist, baby!

Now let me know how we get that chew toy.

All right. Okay.

First, I infiltrate Holt's office

and continue our argument

about who won last year's heist.

How many cummerbunds
are you holding right now? Zero!

It's one bund to none, son!
Tell him, Kevin.

I'm leaving. It doesn't matter…

PERALTA: As Holt argues with me,

I will be covertly releasing

more water into Cheddar's bowl.

Then we sit back and wait for…

-[CHEDDAR WHIMPERS]
-Potty time again?

What if he takes him downstairs?

He won't. I spent a lot of time

making clandestine
searches on Holt's computer.

Now all of his targeted
ads direct him straight to…

The Puppy PeePee Pad. Intriguing.

He bought one and put it out on the roof

next to Gina's golden statue.

And, because he believes
that Cheddar deserves

to pee in privacy like any
other self-respecting adult,

he will leave Cheddar outside
alone to do his business.

Notify me when you're done, via bark.

PERALTA: While Holt guards the door,

you'll be swapping out
Mr. Hootsworth for this.

JEFFORDS: That all sounds great,

but how do I get onto the
roof without Holt noticing?

Oh, Sarge. You'll already be out there…

In a perfect golden disguise.

The plan worked! I got it! Oh my God,

you look like an Oscar.

Ooh. We should take a picture
where it looks like I'm holding you.

Jake. You're right.

There's no time.
We'll do it later. No, we won't.

Help me get this paint off.

Okay, put your hands out and

I'll squirt you with a
little makeup remover.

Hi-ya! No!

You're betraying me again? Why?

Because of the banner!

But I thought you said our
friendship was more important!

Yeah, that was obviously a lie.

The banner was very expensive!

I don't have a lot of money, Sarge.

All right, bye.

Don't make a lot of noise.

Howdy. I just got back from
lunch with Charles, who is not here.

I am real glad I skipped the heist.
Say, who is winning?

I don't know, but I know
that I am not winning.

Interesting, it is also not me.

Uh, why are you guys acting so weird?

[SCOFFS] Weird?

Would a person who is
acting weird laugh like this?

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY] Carefree!

-Yes.
-JEFFORDS: Jake!

Oh, Terry, you ripped yourself free.

Yeah, maybe you should try cuffing
me to a stronger metal next time.

Yeah, I don't know the
relative strength of metals.

What's going on?
Why does Terry look like an Oscar?

Doesn't he? He has the bracelet.

We grabbed Mr. Hootsworth

from Cheddar and swapped it for a fake.

Wow, Terry, my betrayals
were all in good fun,

but this really hurts.

Cheddar, bring me Mr. Hootsworth.

It's an updated model.

The bow tie is Turkish blue
instead of Egyptian blue.

How could you not have noticed this?

PERALTA: Because he's a dog.

And at the end of the day a
dog is no match for Jake Peralta.

Well yours is a fake, too.
Turkish blue bow tie.

Oh! Come on! The one time I say
out loud I'm smarter than a dog?

HOLT: If I have a fake
and you have a fake,

who took the real bracelet?

I did. Kevin?

I swapped out Mr. Hootsworth for a fake

while you were arguing with Peralta.

How many cummerbunds
are you holding right now? Zero!

It's one bund to none, son!

You betrayed me? But why?

I can't have more of
these trophies in our home.

The cummerbund was
already in the living room.

What's next, a rusty medical
bracelet suspended above our bed?

Yes! Now hand it over.

I don't have it. I gave it to Amy.

-[GASPS]
-HOLT: Santiago.

You betrayed me as well?
You betrayed me first.

You were working with
Rosa this whole time.

That wasn't real.
I was always gonna stab her in the back.

You were? What kind of person
treats another human being like that?

You tricked me, Rosa!

And then you shipped me to New Jersey!

First of all, grow up.

Second of all, how'd
you get back here so fast?

If you get a box wet enough,

it's very easy to bust out of it.

No one ask any follow-ups!

I knew I couldn't trust you, Rosa.

That's why I was going to
double-cross you with Bill.

That's right, he didn't really die.

Hey, guys, you really thought
I'd miss this year's heist?

No way, I'm part of the squad.

No. Not true.

Okay, this is officially
getting too hard to track.

Who has the bracelet now?

Santiago.

Yeah. And none of you are getting it!

We'll see about that.

-[TASER CRACKLING]
-[GROANING]

What the hell?

Remember that very fancy
Swiss pen I got you for Christmas,

the one that you keep in
your pocket at all times?

It's a Taser, bro.

-[TASER CRACKLING]
-[SANTIAGO GROANING]

I'll take that.
Amy, do not make me Tase you again.

No, no, don't! I'm pregnant!

-What?
-SANTIAGO: I just found out.

It's a girl. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, it's happening!

Quick, someone get a reaction
video of me becoming an uncle.

Uh, she's making it up.
The pregnancy scam was my idea.

No. No, no, Amy.

Wait, is that true?
Did you just lie to me about our baby?

Yeah, did you lie to us about our baby?

You Tased me! You Tased me first!

Enough! Terry's had enough of this.

This was supposed to be just a fun game,

but it's turned you
all into terrible people.

Betraying your husband,
putting your friend in the mail.

Jake and Amy, did you
guys buy each other any gifts

this year that weren't Tasers?

No. No.

You all pretended that this was all about

helping me with my test.
But none of you cared one bit!

You know what?

You all suck!

-[DEVICE BEEPING]
-Oh no, my voice command. Terry, look out!

[JEFFORDS GRUNTS]

Okay. I know that was bad,

but let's not jump to any
conclusions about whose fault it was.

BAND: ♪ Jacob Peralta, Jacob Peralta ♪

♪ This was all his clever plan ♪

♪ Jacob Peralta, Jacob Peralta ♪

[LOUDLY] Wow, what a fun improvised song.

♪ This was all his clever plan ♪

His eyes aren't focusing

and he hasn't referred to himself
in the third person in minutes.

He's clearly concussed.

Guys, this is bad.

The lieutenant's exam is in 30 minutes.

Okay, look, let's just get
him to One Police Plaza

and hopefully he'll wake up on the way.

Charles, help me pick him up. Copy that.

[GRUNTS] He's too heavy.
We can't do this.

God! How does he lift
weights and also lift his arms?

This is impossible.
We'll never get him there.

BILL: So you guys need
help moving a body?

Thank God old Bill's part of the squad.

I mean, assuming I am part of the squad.

ALL: Yes, sure. Totally.

Oh, yes, finally.
I have somewhere to live.

-What?
-BILL: Meet me in the alley

next to my shopping cart.
It's the one with all the cans.

Seems like his plan is just to
put Terry in the shopping cart.

Correct. We'll take it.

Room 410 is this way!

Okay, we got him here
with one minute to spare.

Yes! I knew we could make it.
All right, Sarge.

You ready to go in
there and ace this thing?

Yeah, I can't believe
it, I'm gonna be a pilot!

Okay, well, that's not great.

There's no way he can
take the test in that condition.

PERALTA: You're right. Amy,

you're going to have to crawl
inside his shirt and operate

his arms for him.
It's a Ratatouille situation.

-On it.
-HOLT: No. It's over.

We have to go in there and tell
them that he won't be making it.

PERALTA: [SIGHS] So that's it then.

Rosa, you should probably go in first

since this is mostly your fault.

Dude. All right, fine, I'll do it, jeez.

Wait. Where is everyone?
Where are all the desks?

What is happening? What's happening is…

You all suck!

[BAND PLAYING INSTRUMENTS]

BAND: ♪ You all are losers,
you all are losers ♪

♪ And Terry Jeffords is the best ♪

♪ You are all losers, you are all losers ♪

♪ Terry Jeffords is the best ♪

Son of a bitch stole my song.

-Wait, Terry has the bracelet?
-PERALTA: That's right.

Me and my teammate Terry won.

We fooled you all.

You didn't do [BLEEP] Okay, well,

neither did Jordan's
teammates, but they still got rings.

All right, fine.
Just tell us how you did it.

Well, first, for my plan
to work, it had to happen

on a day when I could control everything.

I couldn't let it be Halloween.

You faked the gas explosion!

Yeah, stupid actors almost blew it.

What was with that moaning, Trent?

I thought you studied at
the Lee Strasberg Institute!

It doesn't mean anything.
They just take your money.

Oh, that is a huge relief.

I felt so bad about poking that
guy's wound to make sure it was real.

You should still feel bad about that.

No, it was all fake.
I'm totally absolved.

Continue with your story, Sarge.

I knew you'd suggest a heist

as a distraction from my lieutenant exam,

then all I had to do was sit back

and watch as everyone
took things way too far.

But how'd you know
we'd get so out of hand?

I spent the last six months
sowing the seeds of conflict.

Man, I am so sick of
Jake saying he is the only

two-time Halloween heist winner.

BOTH: I'm the only two-time
Halloween heist winner.

I can't believe everyone says you're
not helpful during the Halloween heist.

Just because they all think
your fingers are too big.

We'll show them.

Thanks for inviting me over for dinner.

Boy, that's hung in a real
prominent place, isn't it?

Not for long.

I was manipulated?

-Sorry, Kevin.
-HOLT: Don't apologize to him, Terry.

It's his first heist.
He needs to learn. Keep going.

JEFFORDS: Well, after I got
everyone acting like maniacs,

all I had to do was make you
feel bad by "knocking myself out."

The banner.

But how did you learn my voice command?

JEFFORDS: I didn't have to.

I sold you the damn thing!

No.

I want it to unfurl when
I say, "You all suck."

TERRY [THROUGH FEMALE VOICE CHANGER]:
Absolutely.

Pleasure doing business with you.

The pleasure was all mine.

[SIGHS IN RELIEF]

That's gonna work.

I spent $1,800 on that thing!

You did? Amy, stop interrupting.

Terry's doing his big speech.

Anyway, once my fake
concussion was on display,

I created the perfect distraction

for my partner to do his job.

Cheddar, you duplicitous bitch.

I've been training Cheddar for months.

Wow, what a fun improvised song.

JEFFORDS: When I swapped the Hootsworths,

I put a magnetic collar on him!

From there, Cheddar followed us

all the way to One Police Plaza,

where he hand-delivered the
bracelet to me right outside this room.

But, wait, what about
the lieutenant's exam?

Aren't you supposed
to be taking it right now?

Hell no, I took that thing weeks ago.

And I passed! I'm already a lieutenant!

You are? That's incredible!

Lieutenant Jeffords! This is amazing.

I'm so proud of you, Terry.

[SNIFFLING]

All right. You've overstepped now, Bill.

Yeah, it's weird you're here, Bill.

To Terry Jeffords, the ultimate
human being slash genius.

Nice work, Lieutenant.

ALL: Yeah! Thanks, squad!

Also the next heist will be at Halloween,

so you'll only be
champion for six months.

This is half a win at best.

PERALTA: Sounds about right, yeah.

Yeah. Pretty garbage.

Hey, Scully, so you and Earl made up?

Yup. Hitchcock helped us realize

we shouldn't fight just
because we're so different.

Yeah. To our differences!

BOTH: Oh, dang it!

-[BOTH FART]
-BOTH: Ooh!

BOTH: Double dang it.

What? Oh, my God.

Terry, what you did today was awesome

and I just wanted to say

I'm sorry if I took things too far.

Are you kidding me?
I was just guilting you as a tactic.

I love how crazy the heist gets.

Okay, good, because what
I really wanted to say is,

next heist I'm gonna
drown you in your own blood.

Oh, yeah?
Well, then I'm gonna rip your arms off

and beat you to death with 'em.

Ooh!
I'm going to slice your Achilles tendons,

peel off your fingernails,

and stick knitting needles in your eyes.

Oh, damn. Oh, damn.

Raymond, you were right.
These heists are fun.