All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine-Nine.S05E16.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

[COOING]

-Pigeon's still here?
-Yeah.

No matter what we
do, he just won't leave.

The problem is you're
thinking like detectives.

No, I'm definitely not. When you should

be thinking like a bird.

This is Operation: Saving Private Pigeon.

On my mark, I will turn on this fan,

gently startling our bird due east,

into the file box canyon, where he will

encounter Charles holding two pot lids.

He'll bang them together,

forcing Private Pigeon
into the ceiling there

and out of the ceiling there,

where he will be greeted by scary Rosa

holding a scary picture of an owl.

Now he's playing our game.

He'll veer left, into an
upside down garbage can

propped up by a hockey stick

and connected to a
string that Gina is holding.

She pulls it, he is trapped,

and Terry releases him outside.

Terry hates birds. Okay, little friend.

Let's get you home to mama.

-[CHOPPING]
-[SCREAMS]

Oh, God. It flew right into the fan!

It's everywhere!
There's pigeon everywhere!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Boyle. Hey, Jake.

Wait, what? Hey, Jake.

Ahh! Bill, what are you doing here?

I thought we agreed to meet only
once a year for the Halloween Heist.

I'm here to deliver your
quarterly NutriBoom shipment.

It comes with both the amino acid reducer

and extra amino acid, so
you get the perfect balance.

What? No. I only signed up
as a one-time payment bribe.

I'm not selling NutriBoom.
It's clearly a pyramid scheme.

First off, it's not a pyramid scheme.

It's a conical-tiered multi-flow-through
medical marketing entity.

And secondly, you signed the contract.

"Permission to charge my card quarterly

"for the next 85 years."

This is written in white
ink on white paper.

They do it that way so you can't read it.

Well, I did read it and
I'm canceling the contract.

Canceling? If it was that easy

to get out, would I be here
scamming my closest friends?

We're your closest friends?

What…
Whatever, I'm not accepting the shipment.

Jake, piece of advice, just give up.

It's the Boyle way.
It's why our family crest

-is a white flag.
-BILL: That reminds me, Charles,

your shipment's downstairs. Great.

I'll help you bring it up. Charles, no.

We're gonna go down to
that office and fight this thing.

I need that money for my honeymoon.

Oh, my God. The honeymoon is on the line?

And your money. Eh.

Okay, great. Whatever gets you onboard.

Let's go. For the honeymoon

and no other reason. All right.

Sergeant Santiago,

commander of the
Nine-Nine's uniformed officers,

reporting for duty. Hey!

My first order as Sergeant,
tell me I look dope.

-You look dope.
-HOLT: You won't be abusing

your power like this with the
officers downstairs, will you?

No! No, of course not.

I'm just excited for my first day.

Yes, I remember my
first day as a sergeant.

I bet. My Uncle Geoffrey

was struck by a subway and maimed.

Oh. But the work aspect

was quite exciting.

Are you ready for your first briefing?

Yes, I am fully prepared.

I just wanna establish
myself as a leader right away.

Just be confident, deliberate and firm.

You'll know you have their respect

when you can take a moment…

[POURING DELIBERATELY]

And still keep their attention.

Amazing. That was captivating as hell.

HOLT: My recommendation
would be you start with

a small, attainable goal,

something you can accomplish quickly,

perfectly and publicly.

The best way to lead is to
always achieve all your goals.

Cool. That's not a ton of pressure.

Well, it was meant to be.

Pressure's an important part of success.

Just remember, you represent

all Latina policewomen right now.

Thanks.

Hello. Welcome to NutriServices.

I'm Angela. How can I heal you today?

Hi, Angela. Creepy greeting.

So not a big deal, there was just

a little bit of a mix-up

and we need to cancel our NutriContracts.

Absolutely. It happens all the time.

All you need to do is sign a few things.

Ah. See, Charles, that
is why you never give up.

I'll also need $10,000.
What's that? I'm sorry.

It's payment for the last shipment.

Plus the cancellation
fee, plus the restocking fee

plus something we call a coward's charge.

And that comes to $10,000.

Congratulations. Thank you.

I'll write you a check.
Is gratuity included?

Charles, no.

Angela… Yes? How can I

heal you today? Please stop saying that.

Look, you seem like a perfectly pleasant

robot person, but there's no way

we're giving you any more money.

Oh. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

For the no payment option,
you just need to sign here.

"Enrollment in NutriCore"?

It's our charity organization.

"Pay off your contracts in labor hours

"under the teachings of
founder Docter David Stovelman."

"Docter" is spelled with an E?

It's the British spelling
That can't be right.

All right, look.
I didn't wanna have to do this,

but we're in the NYPD.

And if you don't cooperate,
we'll have no choice

but to file a report against the company.

You signed a contract,
and that is binding.

No one gets special treatment, Officer.

Not even Jay. Who?

Jay Chandrasekhar,
their celebrity spokesman.

Oh, no way. The guy from Super Troopers?

Yep. He was also in Beerfest.

Now I have to get back to work,

but allow me to introduce
you to our complaint specialist.

This is Phil.
He's been assigned to intimidate you.

Congratulations. Thank you!

Charles, stop thanking her.

Hello, squad. I am Sergeant Amy Santiago

and I'm your new commanding officer.

I have big plans for
us, but it's always best

to start with something
small and do it perfectly.

So…

[POURING DELIBERATELY]

Sergeant, I know what
we should start with.

Oh, I'm sorry, Officer…
Jennings. Gary Jennings.

Officer Jennings, I already have a plan.

Okay, well, you just paused, so I thought

you were looking for suggestions,

which I have a lot of. Nope.

Not why I paused.

Anyway, our first
order of business will be

updating the filing system, so…

We should use barcodes. No, no, no, no.

No need to jump in.

I already have a system in mind.

Okay, well you just keep stopping,

so I thought… Ah… To pour water.

Because I'm thirsty. Got it. Great.

Now, let's get into
the details of this with…

Oh, my God! What, Gary?

You're spilling water everywhere.

Yes, I am.

Because our first order of business

is cleaning this floor.

Charles! Charles, come here.

I figured out how to get our money back.

I knew you'd save our honeymoon.

My honeymoon. Whatever.

Yeah, all right, so NutriBoom

is a massive financial scam, right?

If we can prove that, we could
take down the whole company.

Oh, I don't know.
Are you sure you wanna take them on?

They're pretty scary.
I mean, no one's seen

the CEO's wife in years.

People think she's been murdered.

That's just a rumor.
All right, here's the plan,

we infiltrate their headquarters

and get their financial records.

But how do we get in, you ask?

By attending today's
meeting of President's Club

Admiral Level NutriMasters

at the NutriTower Life Base.
I don't know,

they know we're cops,
we can't just walk in.

Correct. We can't walk right in,

but we know someone who's a high-level

NutriBoom distributor who can.

And he look exactly like you.

Hey, guys. I don't know.

You really think it'll work?

PERALTA: Charles, it has to.

It's for our honeymoon. [GASPS]

You said "our."

PERALTA: Okay, the meeting

at NutriBoom HQ starts in two hours.

Charles, you're going as Bill

and I'm going as one of your NutriCruits.

Bill, did you bring
those things I asked for?

Yep, all of my
belongings that you'll need

are in this suitcase.

[VIBRATING]

Why is it vibrating?
Is your cell phone in here?

No. [LAUGHS] I'm sure it's not a sex toy.

All right, these people really know Bill,

so you're gonna have to become him.

I can't believe I'm about to say this,

but Bill, tell us all about yourself.

Let's start with my whole family history.

I was abandoned at a
playground as an infant.

And here I am.

Oh. That was the whole thing.

Well, sad. But easier than
remembering a bunch of names.

Okay, tell us more.

Now, here's a list of all
the nicknames I go by.

Big Bill, Big Eric, Big Drew,
Big Dave, Super Thick…

Just write them all down for us.

And that's why the number
of belly buttons I have is…

Two. One.

-Zero.
-BOTH: Ahh.

BOTH: Hello. Hello.

That's it. Okay, now let's work

on your wink.

Almost. Now think,

only you and I know
our naughty little secret.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, I think Boyle's ready.

That's a no-go, amigo.

If you really wanna pass as me,

you're gonna need to learn my patented

neck massage technique.

I think I've learned enough.
Yeah, I don't

really see that coming up.

Thanks for your help, Bill.

So how did your first
briefing go, Sergeant?

Did you give the squad a simple goal?

Mmm-hmm. Revamping the filing system.

Mmm, smart. Sounds very easy.

Mmm. I assume it's been

a success? Oh… [SCOFFS]

Yes. It's been

all types of successes.

Rousing, resounding, smashing. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, it's good to hear. Remember, failure

is for failures.

Good thing I'm not a failure.

[LAUGHS]

Guys, I lied.
My briefing was a total failure.

But you told Captain Holt it went great

in such a normal way.

I'm a terrible manager.

I've got this super eager
know-it-all on my squad

who keeps derailing me with all his ideas

and I can't get anything done.

-Aw, you got an Amy.
-[LAUGHTER]

Oh, she's got an Amy. It's pretty normal.

Yeah, she got one of her, right?

Like a pet. Takes one to know one,

I guess. No, he is not an Amy.

I am nothing like Gary.

Uhh, first of all, Gary and Amy

-are the exact same name.
-JEFFORDS: Let me ask you this,

did he already send
you nine follow-up emails

about the briefing? No.

It was 30. You got an Amy.

Guys, I think I would know
if my Gary was an Amy.

[SCOFFS]

Hey, Gary. What you reading?
The new issue

of Stationary Monthly.

Yeah, I have an Amy.

Bill. Is that you?

Yes, it's me, Bill. Hello.

You seem different. Nope.

I'm still the same old Bill Hummertrout

who grew up in Bean Station,
Tennessee and shaves his armpits.

Anyway, meet the new recruit I signed up.

New NutriCruit? Boom, boom!

Boom, boom. My name is Barry St. Barry.

And I can't wait to get inside
and unlock my NutriFuture.

Let me in. Let me in! Let me in! [LAUGHS]

I love your energy. Boom, boom!

Okay, get up there.

PERALTA: Man,
everybody here is so creepy.

Yeah. Is that Hitchcock and Scully?

Boom, boom, Bill! Boom, boom!

Yeah, that tracks.

All right, let's get a move on.

The longer I stay here,
the more horrified I get.

I know. Have you seen all these posters

of David Stovelman's wife, Debby?

"I'm happy healthy and alive."

Oh, Debbie dead. Debbie real dead.

All right, Bill said that the offices

are behind that roped-off area.

[SIGHS] We're gonna need a distraction.

Well, if I know cults,
this meeting will start

with an insanely
over-the-top nonsense video.

-Huh.
-EMCEE [ON TV]: Hello, Admirals.

Please turn your eyes to the monitors

for a special hello from
NutriBoom elite, Jay Chandrasekhar.

Boom, boom, everybody!

ALL: Boom, boom, Jay!

And there's our distraction.
When I first met

Docter David Stovelman,

I had no idea my amino
acids could be so high

or so low.

SANTIAGO: Ugh, guys.

Gary is killing my productivity.

Terry, how did you used
to deal with having an Amy?

I didn't have to do anything.
You've always been great.

Cut the crap, Terry. I'm drowning.

Fine.
When you got too difficult to deal with,

I'd pull rank.

Did that work? No. Not even once.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Well, you could always just wait for Gary

to find his Jake and then eventually,

over time, they'll each
become 10% easier to deal with.

Gary will never find love.

He is unlovable.

Gina, what do I do? No, I don't know

how to deal with an Amy.

But there is this girl Wanda
in my Mommy & Me class.

She's such a pill. She's so into her baby

and not into the other
babies and it's like,

"Oh, cool, well, congrats.

"Your baby rolled over early."

Like, who cares? I don't have time

for this, Gina, And that is how

you deal with an Amy.

You talk about something
she's not interested in

until she walks away. Oh, brilliant.

[LAUGHS] Stupid cult.

They labeled their financial
records "financial records."

[LAUGHS] Dummies.

Uh-oh, Jake. We got a NutriBoomer

approaching at 12:00.

The file just started downloading.

How much time do we have? I don't know,

but he's a polka dotter. Polka Dotter…

What does that mean?
Of the eight types of walkers?

Polka dotters, drivers, arm swingers,

stompers… You don't know about this?

Nobody does, Charles. You clearly
just read some weird blog post.

First of all, Popmango.com

is not a weird blog. It's infotainment.

Secondly, polka dot walkers

take short strides on their toes.

I don't wanna learn about
polka dotters right now.

Just get out there and stall him.
But… Gah!

Hello, bud. Boom, boom.

Boom, boom. Bill.

What are you doing back here?

This floor's closed on the weekend.

You know me, just gotta stretch my legs.

I'm really sore from Pilates.

But NutriBoom doesn't allow Pilates.

It's a pseudoscience.

Right, no. Pilates is the name of my

most recent sexual partner.

Boom, boom!

Boom, boom. You seem off, man.

Your voice is different,
you're not sucking on

your signature lollipop. Right.

I guess I just woke up on
the wrong side of the bed.

Since when do you sleep in a bed?

Why are you being so weird?

What are you doing back here?

I know what's going on.

You're fishing for one of my
patented neck massages, aren't you?

There's the Bill I know.
Present and accounted for.

Now turn around and gimme that neck.

You're not gonna do it from the front?

Well, of course.
I mean, that's how I do it.

[SIGHS]

Oh, that's the good stuff. Boom, boom.

Hey, where's my eye contact?

I got the files.

I told you it would work.

Wait, what's wrong?
They formed a line, Jake.

They formed a line.

Ugh, no evidence of
wrongdoing in any of these files.

Credit where credit is due,

NutriBoom is good at criminal activity.

Well, they're terrible at making shakes.

Right? The only listed ingredient

is "foreign substance."
And the flavor is called

"Almost Cherry."

And I can't stop drinking it.

This is interesting.
There's a major transaction

on June 10th. My dad's birthday!

You really think that's what I thought

was interesting about it? I don't know.

It's a payment for 100
grand to ScepterCore.

Isn't that one of those
black ops security firms

that ex-SEALs worked for? Yes, it is.

And on June 10th… My dad's birthday.

Are you just trying to get me to remember

your dad's birthday now? I mean,

it wouldn't kill you to call.
We don't have time to talk about this.

Your dad's birthday is the same day

that Debbie Stovelman
went missing last year.

I bet the payment is a paper trail

for the hit Stovelman
took out on his wife.

This just became a murder case.

Maybe, but it's not enough
to open an investigation.

Right, but it is enough to
make Stovelman nervous.

We just have to get to him. Oh, no.

Do I have to go as Bill again?

No, don't worry. He isn't big enough

to earn face time with the founder.

We have to take this
to the highest level.

BOTH: Jay Chandrasekhar!

Hey, Gina. Thanks for nothin'!

Oh, you're welcome. I said, for nothin'.

Your boring story didn't work.

So my friend Wanda,
she just loves the oceans.

The Pacific, the Atlantic, the Indian…

Ooh, ooh! What is her take on straits?

Because I love the Bering.

We talked about
bodies of water for hours.

Damn, the Force is strong with this Amy.

Look, I wasn't gonna tell you this,

but you should just do what I used to do

when I needed to escape you.
What did you do?

Literally escape you.
Always be on the move.

Never be static. Like a shark.

That way he can't catch your attention.

That's right! That is what we did.

-But you all did that?
-DIAZ: Mmm-hmm.

[SIGHS] Okay, but Rosa, how did you…

Rosa? Where did she…

Damn, you guys are good.

PERALTA: There he is. How did
you know he'd be at this coffee shop?

Us Weekly.
He's pictured here all the time.

PERALTA: He's coming out.
All right, look,

this guy is into NutriBoom pretty deep.

But if we apply enough pressure,

we may get him to crack.

Copy that.

Hi, excuse me.

Mr. Chandrasekhar,
we wanted to talk to you

about NutriBoom. All right!

-Boom, boom, guys.
-BOTH: Boom, boom!

We're with the NYPD.
Oh, my God. Seriously?

You guys have to save me.

Can you get me out? What's that now?

NutriBoom is a scam and a cult.

They've ruined my life. Really?

You look so happy in the videos.

You'd pretend to be happy too
if you knew what they did to me.

Testicular torture? Yeah.

-[INHALES] Oh.
-BOYLE: Look,

we have reason to believe David
Stovelman murdered his wife, Debbie.

Yeah, duh! All right, Jay.

Try to remain calm, here. Sorry.

I'm just so scarred. Right,

from the nard torture.

Look, we have evidence
that could tie David

to his wife's death,
but we need your help

to get to him.
Yeah, I'll do whatever you want.

You have no idea how terrible they are.

Trust me, I do.
They took ten grand from me.

Boo-hoo, they kidnapped my dog.

Okay, well, no need to compare stakes.

Although I doubt your dog cost $10,000.
[SCOFFS]

You can't put a price on life.

You're absolutely right.
Thank you so much

for your help, sir.

-GARY: Sergeant?
-Aah!

I need to tell you something.

Great. Can't wait to hear it.

First, could you pass
that thing over there?

Sure, yes. Oh, what thing? I don't…

Sergeant?

Sergeant! Oh, hey.

Sergeant?

Sergeant?

[SIGHS] Okay.

Let's finally get these shelves up.

Goes perfect.

Oh! Oh, no.

Oh, there you are.

I was trying to tell
you not to use that wall.

It has water damage.

Noted.

So Stovelman will pick up
Jay and take him to lunch.

We trail them, and then
when they get comfortable,

ambush 'em with the intel about his wife.

Wow. I can't believe we're
working a sting operation

with a celebrity. I know.

I feel like we're in Ocean's Eleven.

You're such a Clooney.

Ooh, and I'm Elliot Gould. Wow.

Just skipped right over
Pitt and Damon, huh?

[TIRES SCREECHING]

-I've been good!
-PERALTA: Oh, no!

Those are NutriCore guys.
They're taking Jay!

It's not a pick-up. It's a throw-in.

Where's Jay? Hey, Bill.

Boom, boom! No boom, boom.

I am not Bill. Look, we're with the NYPD.

We saw two NutriCore thugs
kidnap Jay and bring him here.

Now where is he? Bill, you're a cop!

No, I am not Bill!
If you don't cooperate,

we'll consider you an
accessory to this crime.

I don't know what you mean by crime.

Jay's just voluntarily hanging out with

some nutrition specialists
in the basement.

You can see for
yourself if you'd like, Bill.

I will see for myself, but I am not Bill.

Good one, Bill. Get out of here. Gah!

Jay! Oh, my God. Boom, boom, guys!

What? We saw them take you. Are you okay?

What are you talking about? [LAUGHS]

Oh, the van thing?
Yeah, Jay. The van thing.

Those are just my friends from NutriBoom.

They were worried about
my amino acid levels,

so they rushed me straight
here to give me more

or less of them.
Why are you talking like that?

What did they do to you?

[WHIMPERING] Oh, I see.
They gave you back your dog.

No, they found my dog.

He was wandering
around a park for a year.

Come on, man. Pull it together.

These people are evil, remember?

David Stovelman murdered his wife.

You mean me?

BOTH: Debbie Stovelman. Boom, boom.

She is happy, healthy and alive.

Hey, Captain. Just wanted to say

sorry about the hole in the wall.

I've already called maintenance.

Okay. Anything else? God, you're good.

You saw right through me.

I failed as a manager. I couldn't deal

with this overeager officer
who kept pestering me.

-Ohh, you have an…
-BOTH: Amy.

Yes, I know.
We've been through it a lot today.

Well, you should've come to me.

I know exactly what it's like to be you.

You used to be an Amy?

No, I never had your level of insecurity.

I was referring to managing an Amy.

Of course. Well, I'm not sure

there's anything left to try.

No matter what I did,

he just kept interrupting me

with all his own ideas.

Were they good ideas? I don't know.

I didn't listen to them.

Damn.

Did you just solve it that easily?

Yes, I did. You see, managing Amy

is not a chore, it's a pleasure.

Because an Amy is a tool. I'm a tool?

Yes, you're a massive tool.

You're useful and valuable.

Sure, an Amy can be
intimidating sometimes

because they have such strong ideas.

But you should always listen to an Amy

because they will only make you better.

At least, that's my experience.

Thank you, sir.

DEBBIE: Jay, would you please excuse us.

I believe there's a brand new motorcycle

with your name on it upstairs.

You guys are the best. [CHUCKLES]

Thanks for bringing my dog back.

He looks almost exactly the same.

Come on. Boom, boom, Jake.

Boom, boom, Charles. Boom, boom, Jay.

What's going on here?
I thought you were murdered.

I was never dead. Then what was

that 100k payment to ScepterCore for?

It was to get you off the grid.

Because the Feds were investigating you.

You can't indict someone
who doesn't exist.

So you're still working for NutriBoom?

Working for? I am NutriBoom.

Look, your annoying little
crusade is wasting my time.

I want you to leave me
and my company alone.

Not gonna happen.
Now we know you're alive

and I bet the Feds would be interested

in knowing that, too.
Maybe, but the fact remains,

I haven't committed any crimes,

that anyone can prove.

So you can try your luck with the Feds.

Or you can get your money back and go on

that expensive honeymoon.

How do you know about my honeymoon?

I know everything. Oh, really?

Because you don't know about
my big ass moral compass.

Damn!

I'm going to the Feds,
and you're going down.

Also, can you tell us
how to get out of here?

This place is a real maze.

Oh, Officer Jennings?

Can I speak to you for a minute?

Of course. Nothing I like more

than one-on-one time with my boss.

Wow, it's like staring in a mirror.

What? Nothing. [CLEARS THROAT]

Listen, I wanna apologize.

I ignored your ideas
and that was a mistake.

Please, tell me your suggestions

for the filing system. It's actually

five suggestions and 23 sub suggestions.

And I… After the briefing.

Oh. Copy that. [CHUCKLES]

All right, listen up, squad.

We had increased criminal activity

in the park last night, so we'll be

doubling our patrols there today.

After the meeting, I
will be handing out new…

assignments.

[WHISPERING] Oh, my God, I did it.

The Feds said our intel could help them

maybe take down Stovelman someday,

but they didn't sound hopeful.
Well, I'm glad

you did the right thing. Really?

Even though it means we now have no money

for a decent honeymoon? It's hard not to

say a really corny thing right now

about how every day's
a honeymoon with you.

Aww. Although, technically,
you did you just say it.

Which is very embarrassing for you.

Jake, don't freak out.

There's a really creepy guy spying on us.

-[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
-Oh, no, no, no.

That's just Phil from NutriBoom.

He'll be intimidating us from now on.

There's an evil corporation
hell-bent on destroying us.

Hi, Phil! Boom, boom!

Say, "Boom, boom," darling.

Boom, boom.