All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine-Nine.S04E13.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Attention.
I've been asked to read this statement.

"Two months ago, Gina
Linetti was hit by a bus,

"and the brightest star in
the cosmos was extinguished.

"But today, like a phoenix from
the ashes, she rises to vanquish…"

This is 10 pages. I can't read it.

Gina's doctor said it was okay

for her to come back to work today.
Here she is.

GINA: Thank you.

As much pain as I've been in, I can't
imagine what it's been like for you.

Living in a Gina-less
world for two months.

I'll field some questions now. Anyone?

Uh, how long do you have to
wear the metal… The head holder…

It's called a "halo." The doctor said
I have to wear it for another week.

It's drilled into my skull here.

And, yes, I can still hear the
screws squeaking into the bone.

So, what was it like
getting hit by a bus?

It was awesome. Ah! I knew it.

I always wanted to get hit by a bus.

Yeah, I mean, I was legally
dead for two full minutes.

-And I met God.
-DIAZ: Tight.

What does she look like?
Ethnically ambiguous.

You took two weeks off when
Kourtney and Scott Disick broke up.

Are you sure you're ready
to be back at work now?

What are you saying, Terry? You think I
can't handle being back yet? [LAUGHING]

Watch this.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

-[GROANING LOUDLY]
-[BRACE SQUEAKING]

Gina Linetti is back, baby!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Sorry I'm late.
I was on a call with One Police Plaza.

Apparently, crime in
Brooklyn is down significantly.

[ALL CHEERING]

Which means they'll be
permanently closing one precinct.

-SANTIAGO: What?
-[ALL GROAN]

We celebrated too soon.

An auditor will arrive shortly.

He'll evaluate us on crime stats,

physical plan, fiscal responsibility.

There are 22 other precincts in Brooklyn,

so we just don't want
to rate at the bottom.

Are they gonna be looking in our desks?

Also, unrelated, someone left
a bunch of swords in my desk.

I have a similar question
about browser histories.

Just throw your computer away.
Roger that.

The auditor will start by
joining Peralta and Santiago

on their gang stakeout because…

They're America's dream couple.

You need to calm down.
We're in a workplace.

Because their case is a good example

of the type of serious
crime that still exists

in our neighborhood. So… Oh!

Looks like the auditor is here.

Isn't that Teddy, Amy's ex-boyfriend?
Yep.

Jake, didn't you break them up? Yep.

Amy, didn't you tell him to his face

-he was the most boring man alive?
-SANTIAGO: Yep.

-This is gonna be awkward.
-BOTH: Yep.

We had a good run.

Let's not panic just yet.

Maybe he doesn't
remember us ruining his life

and stomping all over his heart.

Hey, everyone. I'm Sergeant Wells.

Jake, Amy, nice to see you.

Teddy, nice to see you, too.
Excited to have you in the field with us.

Good.
I just hope I don't bore you to death.

Oh, what? [CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY] Yeah.
What's that?

The crime phone is ringing?
We have to answer it. Come on, Amy.

BRB. Okay.

Why'd you have to say he was boring?

Because he is boring.

His favorite app on
his phone is "Contacts."

He's gonna shut this place down,

and we're gonna get shipped
off to separate precincts.

I don't think our
relationship can survive that.

I mean, even if we don't work
together, we can still be a couple.

If I don't see you every day, I'll
forget who you are. I'm like a goldfish.

Standing in the briefing room,

a space that is approximately
50 feet by 40 feet.

Actually, you know what?
Fifty-five feet by forty feet.

No, 52 feet by 41 feet.

I'll just look at the blueprints
at the city planner's office.

Hello, weekend plans.

Sergeant Wells, have you
been to other precincts yet?

How'd they do?
You know, everyone's got their issues.

That's too bad. I want all my
brothers in the NYPD to do perfectly.

The Seven-Four is corrupt.
You didn't hear it from me.

You know what?
We're just looking to eliminate waste.

I assure you, you'll
find zero waste here.

Really? Because I did notice
during my preliminary examination

that you recently purchased
a $21,000 copy machine?

Well, that machine saves
money in terms of man-hours.

Uh, if you excuse me, uh, Sergeant
Wells, we need to go to the BRB.

It's BRB time. We're BRBing.

Make space. You make space!

This closet is for people
who are freaking out.

Oh, I'm fully freaking out.

I just experimented with an
unfamiliar acronym in public.

BRB, what does it even mean?
"Be right back."

It has the same number of syllables
as the acronym. What's the point?

Teddy knows about the fancy
Japanese copier that C.J. bought.

The one that broke
the first time we used it.

[BEEPS]

[ELECTRONIC FEMALE
VOICE SPEAKING JAPANESE]

-[POWERS DOWN]
-[ELECTRONIC VOICE GIGGLES]

Is it supposed to do that?

It was not supposed to do that.

Is this where people are freaking out?
Because we are freaking out.

Teddy dinged the
One-Five for having roaches.

So what? We don't have roaches.
Our rats ate all of them.

That's the problem. We have rats.

Right, right, right. That's worse.

Oh, God, they're gonna shut this
precinct down and separate me and Jake.

Our friendship is over.

If he doesn't see my face every day,

he'll forget who I am.
He's like a goldfish.

[EXCLAIMS] This is all your fault.

You just had to sleep
with Teddy, didn't you?

You couldn't keep it in your pants.

-Come on, Charles.
-HOLT: He's right, Santiago.

-Your libido has endangered us all.
-[DOOR OPENS]

Excuse me, guys, coming in.

Wait. Gina, you sure you can fit in?

I'm sorry. Because of my
injury, I can no longer fit in?

No, I meant physically.
I'll have you know,

I am physically as strong as
I've ever been. Stronger even.

I'm Gina Linetti, and I
can do anything, okay?

Excuse me, please. Excuse me.

JEFFORDS: Come on.

Oh, yeah, this is too crowded.

Shouldn't have wasted
my speech on this moment.

To the evidence room.

You two need to figure out how
to patch things up with Teddy.

He's still upset that
I called him boring.

We just have to pretend
that he's interesting.

I got pretty good at it
while we were dating.

We just have to smile and nod
and agree with whatever he said last.

Great. Hey, wait a minute.

I'm still not sure who the second best
Die Hard villain is, though, you know?

Probably Jeremy Irons.

But maybe it's Timothy Olyphant,
or it could be William Atherton.

Definitely the last one. Right?

No, I really think it's William Atherton.

Okay.

We have to engage him
on topics that he cares about.

Pilsners! He loves talking about pilsners.
Oh, my God.

Just saying the word gives me PTSD.
Pilsner TSD.

Good one. Thanks.

Pull yourself together and go out there

and make Teddy feel like he's
the most interesting man on Earth.

I want him to think he's Andy
Borowitz when this is all done.

On it.

We'll go there and make him feel like

whoever that person is. Let's go.

Okay, now, what we need
to do is fix that infernal copier.

Jeffords, you did a year abroad in Tokyo.

Maybe you can figure out the manual.
It's in Japanese.

I can try, but the only thing I
really remember how to say is,

"Do you have a bigger
door I can enter through?"

Bring me solutions, not problems.

Now, what do we do about the rats?

Well, lucky for us, I have recently
come into a lot of wolf urine.

That's lucky for us how?

It creates a scent impression
that there are predators nearby.

I've been dousing Nikolaj's shoes with it

to scare off bullies at his preschool.

Did it work?
No, now, they call him "Pee-boy."

He's much worse off.

But wolf urine
definitely scares off rats.

We can use it to herd them towards traps.

What about me? Like, what should I do?

I just thought maybe you could
take it easy. It's your first day and…

I'll have you know, I am as strong
physically as I have ever been.

Stronger even. You already did this.

Yeah, I have short-term amnesia.
I got hit by a bus.

But don't worry. I am as strong
physically as I have ever been.

Stronger even.

Fine. You can help me with the copier.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

Detectives have chosen an
adequate location for their stakeout.

Teddy, how's it going, my man?

Nice to see you. I'm glad we
get to spend this time together.

I haven't seen you since…
You broke me and Amy up.

Maybe. Probably not.

-Who can say when people last saw people?
-[BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY]

Anyway, that's the HQ
for the 8th Street Killas.

We think they're meeting up
with leaders of another gang

to possibly merge organizations.

Detectives demonstrate a passable
knowledge of their operation.

Cool. So, hey, we might be here for
a while. Can I offer you a beverage?

I'm good. Ooh.

Diet ginger ale.
That is my favorite. Yeah.

Actually, I shouldn't.
It'll make me all hyper.

Suit yourself.
Too bad we're on the job, right?

Could've stocked
that thing with pilsners.

You like pilsners?
Are you kidding me? I kills for the pils.

I'm a total pils-nerd.

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What's your, uh, poison,
German or Bohemian?

The last one that you said. Good choice.

The last one always is. Wow, this is fun.

I could talk with you
about pilsners all day.

Oh, let's do it.
Of the Bohemians, what's your fave?

Scharfen grelderbrau.

It's new. Millennials love it.

Cool. Let me make note of that.

[RECORDER CHIMES]

Just caught detectives
S and P in a bald-faced lie.

You don't like pilsners.
You hate pilsners.

You think they're boring,
and you still think I'm boring.

No! No lie.

Detectives S and P didn't lie.
Detectives S and P no lie.

Sergeant, please tell me
this malfunctioning copier

isn't gonna sink our precinct.

I figured out how to turn it on,

but the screen just shows a
cartoon turtle sobbing. [SOBBING]

Perhaps it's a paper jam.

And what about when the little sushi roll

comes out and cuts the turtle's head off?

Toner issue. Why?

Anyway, I started taking it apart,

but it's been a slow
process for some reason.

Hey, Captain, I'm glad
you're here to see this.

I'm just about to drink my tea.

Terry.

[SLURPING]

Can't even tell I was hit by a bus.
That's how independent I am.

Well, uh, perhaps Boyle and Diaz
have made more progress with the rats.

We've made absolutely no progress.

It took forever to bait the traps

because Scully kept eating
the peanut butter out of them.

You can't prove it was me, Rosa.

Now, we're gonna use
the wolf urine to flush

the rats out of the
walls and into our traps.

And that's where I come in.
I'm going up in the ceiling.

Why are you dressed like that? Mobility.

It's a good thing I still have my
sexy cat costume from Halloween.

I really don't think you were
the target audience for that item.

There is nothing
gendered about a sexy cat.

Now, please hand me that big
jug of wolf pee I rub on my kid.

Okay, Teddy, let's not
evaluate rashly here, all right?

This is a misunderstanding.
We're not saying pilsners are boring.

We're saying that we are too
boring to appreciate them properly…

Is what I'm going with.

Jake, I agree with you.

Pilsners are boring.
It's why I don't drink them anymore.

Say what, now? Amy was right.

When we were going
together, I was boring.

It took our breakup
for me to realize that.

So, you're not still mad at me?

No, no, no, you changed me.
I found my wild side.

My girlfriend and I do 5Ks now.

We took a two-week trip
to San Diego last year.

The energy of that place is electric.

But back at the precinct, you said,

"I hope I don't bore you to death."

[LAUGHING]

That was a joke.
Humor is the tool of the interesting.

Right.
A tool that you have clearly mastered.

Ooh, get this. My lady turned me on to
something called adult coloring books,

which we do at, wait for it…

Jazz brunches. What?

[CHUCKLES] Wow!

It's like brunch is crazy
enough on its own,

then you throw jazz in the mix.

It's like, "Why are we even doing this?"

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh, my God, that is good.

This is fun. I have not laughed
this much in a long time.

Twice. Reminder,

invite Jake and Amy
to jazz brunch tomorrow.

Uh, reminder, we're in. Good.

But I am actually gonna
email you the invite,

if you could just RSVP to that.

I'd feel better if everyone
had it on their calendars.

Copy that. We all have calendars.

So, that'll work out great,
'cause we all have one.

-How's it going with the copier?
-JEFFORDS: Not great.

I got through to customer service,

but I really don't remember
that much Japanese.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Hey, Captain.
Update on the rat situation,

wolf pee's in place, and the
traps are set in the evidence room.

I thought we were luring
them into the break room.

No, Gina needed it for meditation.

GINA [RECORDING]: You are strong.
You are wise.

You will have your revenge
on all New York City buses.

-Everything else is good?
-DIAZ: Not quite.

We have a Charles situation.

-How stuck are you, Boyle?
-BOYLE: Completely.

My tail seems to have gotten
knotted around a sprinkler.

I think I can pull it.
No, that might break the pipe.

The last thing we need is a flood.

That's okay.
I'm sure you'll have me down in no time.

Incorrect.
That would make a hole in the ceiling.

You're there till Monday.
We'll bring you some food in a bucket.

Sir, I… He'll be fine.

Guava juice, mango juice,
orange juice, of course,

grapefruit juice, and cranberry juice.

Jazz brunch sounds insane.

But should we talk about
how efficient and well-run

the Nine-Nine is for a while?

We got plenty of time for that.

I'm gonna hit the little boys' room.

When I get back, remind me to tell you

all about the omelet bar station.

We will. You bet.

Spoiler alert… Two kinds of bell pepper.

[BOTH LAUGHING AWKWARDLY]

Oh, my God, he's so boring.

He's so boring.
The most boring man in America.

And that's him trying to be interesting.
That is spring-break Teddy.

How did you ever date him? [SIGHS]

Oh, no.
He has a really big wiener, doesn't he?

Wait. Don't tell me if
that's true, unless it's not.

No, but then if you don't say
anything, I'll know that it is. [GRUNTS]

Why aren't you saying
anything about his wiener, Amy?

Jake! Stop, stop, stop.

I don't want to hear
about your ex's wiener.

Just… You're not making me feel better.

Why would you do this to me?

Jake, stop spiraling.

Every time you shake
me, I see it flopping around.

Stop. Oh, look, there's our gang leader.

-Seriously?
-[CAMERA CLICKING]

Wow!

Perfect timing, successful stakeout.

There's no way that Sergeant
Boring-Big-Wiener will shut us down now.

Shh. I think I hear Teddy.
You didn't answer.

Forgot the old phonester.

I like to go through my
contacts while I go pee.

So, you only need to use one hand.
That's great.

Oh, look, it was still recording.

Like, "recording" recording?

[LAUGHING] Yeah.

Oh, this is bad.

What, what's wrong?

Oh, my God. It was recording the
whole time. We said all that bad stuff.

Sorry, I was so preoccupied with
the wiener stuff. Oh, this is bad.

But while I have you, just stop me.

I know accepting
Teddy's jazz-brunch invite

was the only way to get his phone back

and save the Nine-Nine,
but this place is literally hell.

♪ Eggs Benedict in a lickety split ♪

She's doing jazz about brunch. Maybe
it's not too late to get out of here.

We could start a new life in the
country, maybe open a small bookstore.

How dare you tempt me
with a small bookstore?

We need to focus. Okay.

Look, Teddy's over there.
Oh, and he's in fun, casual wear.

His phone is out on the
table, like it always is,

because he fears the
radiation will affect his testicles.

Which are connected to his average-sized…

Jake. Right.
It's misshapen, that's all that matters.

All right, here's the
plan, we stage a fight,

it escalates, then I flip over
the table in dramatic fashion.

Do we need the table flip?

Amy, when the opportunity
presents itself to flippa de table,

uh, you flippa de table.

And in the chaos, you grab his phone,

delete the recording, and we're golden.

Perfect. All right, let's stage a
fake fight. This'll be fun, right?

Pretending like we have things
to be mad at each other about.

Jake's chronic tardiness, his slobbiness,

and the fact that he
wasted half the morning

deciding what sneakers to wear.

Those are just some of
the reasons we're late.

No one cares about your sneakers, Jake.

Yeah, very convincing.

We're just glad you guys made it.
This is Rachel, my girlfriend.

Hi.

So, Teddy said you guys had
such a blast at the stakeout.

Yes, it was incredible. Can I really
quickly say the real reason we were late

was that Amy insisted on
brushing her teeth for 30 minutes?

Two minutes or one minute,
58 seconds longer than you did.

Anyway, can we please
just talk to our friends?

Fine. Fine.

So, Rachel, how did you guys meet?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Such a wild story. Mmm-hmm.

So, I was on an elevator…

And so was Teddy.

-Oh, that's the whole story.
-SANTIAGO: I think it's romantic.

I remember when our relationship
had magic moments like that

before it went stale. Stale?

Mmm. Okay, you want some action, Jackson?

Well, how about I make a scene?

[GROANS] Whoa, whoa!

What are you doing?
Flipp-ah-ing de table.

[STRAINING]

It's bolted down. Oh, what a shock.

You tried something and failed.

Okay, you know what? That's it.

I'm gonna slide it right off! [SCREAMS]

I am so sorry. I got carried away.

I will now clean this
up entirely by myself.

No. No, please keep your eyes

on me as I make this sincere apology.

I am sorry.

It's okay. Something crazy always happens
at jazz brunch. It's the Wild West.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, man,
Teddy, look what happened.

Your phone landed
directly in this glass of OJ.

That seems almost impossible.

"Almost" being the key
word, but it happened for real,

and we all know it. There you go.

That's it. You've gone too far.
I am storming off now.

No, you've gone too far,
and I'm storming off now!

There's something I'd
like to show you, Captain.

[BEEPING AND WHIRRING]

[ELECTRONIC FEMALE
VOICE SPEAKING JAPANESE]

"Terry." "Crushed." "It."

It works! I've never been more
proud of you for anything in your life.

I mean, I've solved
a lot of cases for you.

And yet crime has continued.

I think we've done it, Captain.

Just heard the traps go off.

Want to come check with us?
Of course. How's Boyle doing?

He's fine. You know how quickly
he submits to his environment.

Where are the rats?

There's blood everywhere.
This is a horror scene.

They must've chewed themselves free.

Detective Diaz, what was in that box?

DIAZ: It's from a closed case in 1986,

when they busted the guy
that dealt to the New York Mets.

My God, those rats have eaten the purest
cocaine in the history of this city.

They know no fear or pain.

-And look! They're back in the walls.
-[SQUEAKING]

ALL [TOGETHER]: Boyle!

-[METALLIC CLANGING]
-[BOYLE SCREAMING]

BOYLE: The rats chewed
through the sprinkler pipe!

They're coked up, get out of there!

BOYLE: They think I'm a cat.

Boyle, be careful of the ceiling.
Submit to them!

BOYLE: Tell Jake I never panicked.

[ALL EXCLAIM]

My copier! My precinct!

Charles!

Charles?

[HIGH-PITCHED] Get out!
They survived the fall! Run!

That was fun.
We're really good at fake fighting.

And you were amazing at coming
up with all that stuff to be mad about.

Yep, totally, I just said all that stuff

to save the precinct, and that's all.

Oh, my God.
You don't actually care about my sneakers.

No! I care about them deeply.

They're all so different.

Okay.

-Hey, guys, it's Teddy from jazz brunch.
-PERALTA: Hey, Teddy.

It's Teddy from jazz brunch.
Why is he here? I don't know.

But the fake fight's back on.

So, shut it, you bigmouthed
bitch and your stupid sneakers!

[WHISPERS] If you don't like
my shoes, you can just tell me.

Hi.
Can I talk to you guys about something?

Actually, Teddy, this is not a good time.

We're still having a pretty big fight.

Well, I think what I'm about
to say may solve things.

Amy, I'm still in love with you.

What? What?

What? Uh-oh.

♪ A skibba, skop, scoop ♪

♪ This is super uncomfortable ♪
Jazz.

Okay. Okay, everybody just
calm down and take a deep breath.

[PERALTA, RACHEL BREATHE DEEPLY]

What the hell is going on, man?

Yeah, what the hell is going on?
You've got a girlfriend.

I know. And she's fine. Thanks.

Sorry, I was really planning on
you being in the cab during this.

Okay, that wouldn't make it better. No.

Amy, I'm just… I'm not over you yet,

and I would've never said anything,

because I thought you
and Jake were happy,

but after seeing you at jazz brunch,

I think I might've been wrong.

Don't read into that.

That was a freak argument.
We are very happy.

Amy, we have all the same interests.
We have so much chemistry.

When we're together, it's like,

no matter where we are, it's San Diego.

I feel compelled to tell you
that San Diego's terrible.

I'm gonna lay it all on the line.
Amy Santiago…

Will you marry me?

SANTIAGO, PERALTA: What? What?

Okay. Really, could you stay in the cab?

I'm sorry.
I'll be right there, I promise.

Or maybe I won't. What's your answer?

Teddy, I don't want to be with you.

But you want to be with him?
You guys have nothing in common.

Oh, yeah? Tell that to William Atherton.

The man we both consider to be
the second best Die Hard villain.

[GASPS] She meant it. And also, yes,

we are different people,

but I love that about us.

I love that Jake's a little messy

and that he cares so much
about his dumb sneakers

and he doesn't get
stressed out about calendars.

Or flossing my teeth.
No, the non-flossing is crazy.

Copy that, and I love you.

I'm just so confused. Your fight
was like something out of a movie.

Teddy, I have to tell you the truth.
No. No. Amy is dying.

She has one month to live.
Marrying her would be a waste of time.

Jake and I were only pretending to fight

so that we could destroy your phone.

While we were on the stakeout
and you were in the bathroom,

we said you were the
most boring man in America,

and your phone recorded it. I'm sorry.

We didn't want you to get
mad at us and fail the precinct.

Wow.

You guys are the worst.

Eh, you just proposed in front of
your girlfriend, so potato, potahto.

Amy, I loved you.

All right, I'm ready to go, Rachel.

Should we hit up the Tenement Museum?

BOTH: No! No!

I talked to NYPD facilities

to see if they could get an emergency
cleanup crew out to us this afternoon.

I received their standard response.

[LAUGHING]

This is on you, Boyle.

You couldn't just suck it up
and let a few dozen crazed rats

eat you until their hearts exploded?

JEFFORDS: Don't blame Boyle.

The rats only got into the cocaine

because you put the
traps in the evidence room.

We were gonna use the break
room, but Gina was in there,

and she got hit by a damn
bus, so nobody can say no to her.

That's it. "Nobody can say no to her."

[LAUGHING]

Answer's still no.

Right, but maybe you should
speak to my colleague first.

Hi. I got hit by a bus.

-SANTIAGO: Wow, this place looks amazing.
-HOLT: Yes, thanks to Gina.

She's responsible for all of it.
She's an inspiration.

Thank you, Captain.
You have permission to share my story.

So, how'd it go with Sergeant Wells?

Let's see. He proposed to Amy.

She said no, and then
his girlfriend dumped him.

Terry's getting nervous.
It's worse than it sounds.

There was a jazz brunch involved.

Oh! Oh, my God.

Look, all we can do is hope that

Sergeant Wells handles
this like a professional

and respects the
uniform that we all wear.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Hey, everybody, look who's here.

It's me, the most boring man in America.

Well, to be the most anything
in America is pretty good.

I mean, it's a big country.

Teddy, we are so sorry.

No, you don't have to be.

It's okay. I get it. I am boring.
I'm owning it now.

Sergeant Wells, I understand that
you're upset for personal reasons,

but we're hoping that you'll
give us a fair evaluation.

I will not.
'Cause I'm not gonna write one at all.

I'm recusing myself.

Oh.

That is so sweet. Thank you
for being such a good guy, Teddy.

Okay. I can read between
the lines, and I love you, too.

Amy Santiago, will you…

No! Get up! Come on!

Well, for what it's worth,
your precinct is immaculate.

I'm sure that your new auditor,

Lieutenant Hopkins,
will be very impressed.

Veronica Hopkins?

That's the one.

Well, the good news is,
Amy has not dated her.

No, but I did, and she hates me.

Why can't any of you
keep it in your pants?

Hello, Nine-Nine. I'm Lieutenant Hopkins.
Hello, Terry Jeffords.

Come here and give an old friend a hug.

Hey, so good to see you.
[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]

I'm shutting the Nine-Nine down,

and there is nothing you can do about it.

[LAUGHING]

Oh!

This place is fantastic.

This is gonna be fun.

[LAUGHING]

She seems nice.