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1
00:00:02,133 --> 00:00:04,218
Thank you for joining me
for what promises to be
2
00:00:04,302 --> 00:00:07,555
the diggity-dopest tree lighting
in the history of the Nine-Nine.
3
00:00:07,639 --> 00:00:09,141
I don't understand. Where's the tree?
4
00:00:09,225 --> 00:00:11,476
It was inside us all along.
Brilliant, Jake.
5
00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:13,770
No, Charles, not everything
was inside of us all along.
6
00:00:13,854 --> 00:00:15,272
The tree is right here.
7
00:00:16,649 --> 00:00:17,774
Cool. Can we go now?
8
00:00:17,858 --> 00:00:18,859
Obviously, not.
9
00:00:18,943 --> 00:00:23,239
Behold, the greatest inflatable
tree that 'Murica has to offer.
10
00:00:23,447 --> 00:00:25,701
And now, in the immortal
words of Saint Nick,
11
00:00:26,410 --> 00:00:27,869
turn on the compressor.
12
00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:29,704
-[GRUNTS]
-[WHIRRING]
13
00:00:29,788 --> 00:00:32,206
You hear that?
It's the sound of Christmas!
14
00:00:32,290 --> 00:00:34,125
It's deafening!
15
00:00:34,209 --> 00:00:36,919
It's getting really big.
What size tree did you get?
16
00:00:37,003 --> 00:00:38,504
It's a jumbo.
17
00:00:38,588 --> 00:00:40,340
It says it's ten meters tall!
18
00:00:40,424 --> 00:00:43,510
That's… Roughly 32.81 feet.
19
00:00:43,594 --> 00:00:45,596
Someone unplug it, unplug it now!
20
00:00:45,722 --> 00:00:47,556
We can't. It swallowed its own plug!
21
00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:49,684
[SHOUTING] Everybody run!
22
00:00:49,934 --> 00:00:51,602
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
23
00:00:53,604 --> 00:00:55,439
Okay, the tree has been contained.
24
00:00:55,523 --> 00:00:57,233
Wait, we left a man behind.
25
00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,778
-[MUFFLED GROANING] Jake!
-PERALTA: Well,
26
00:01:00,070 --> 00:01:01,988
Terry's trapped in the
break room forever.
27
00:01:02,072 --> 00:01:03,823
Only thing we can do now
is move on with our lives.
28
00:01:03,907 --> 00:01:05,075
It's what Terry would've wanted.
29
00:01:05,159 --> 00:01:06,618
Aah! [GRUNTS]
30
00:01:08,370 --> 00:01:09,830
[WHIMPERING]
31
00:01:11,832 --> 00:01:13,459
God bless us, everyone?
32
00:01:13,792 --> 00:01:16,127
-[YELLS] Yeah!
-ALL: Yeah!
33
00:01:16,211 --> 00:01:18,214
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
34
00:01:36,525 --> 00:01:39,194
Ah, the Boyles are here. Good tidings.
35
00:01:39,278 --> 00:01:41,738
Genevieve, hello, you're looking..
. Sexy as a minx.
36
00:01:41,822 --> 00:01:43,573
I was going to say
festive, due to the scarf.
37
00:01:43,657 --> 00:01:45,951
The bra underneath is insane.
38
00:01:46,035 --> 00:01:47,077
-It is.
-PERALTA: Okay.
39
00:01:47,161 --> 00:01:48,537
Parenthood has not changed you two.
40
00:01:48,621 --> 00:01:50,205
Hey there, Nikolaj, my man.
How you doing?
41
00:01:50,289 --> 00:01:53,209
Hi, Jake, we made Daddy
Latvian Christmas cookies.
42
00:01:53,293 --> 00:01:54,752
Want one? You bet I do.
43
00:01:54,836 --> 00:01:56,546
The potato really brings out the vinegar.
44
00:01:56,630 --> 00:01:57,714
Neither of those are cookie things.
45
00:01:57,798 --> 00:01:58,798
I'm just going to put that back.
46
00:01:58,882 --> 00:02:00,425
So, you excited for Christmas, bud?
47
00:02:00,509 --> 00:02:01,676
Yeah, I'm so excited.
48
00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:03,594
This is Nikolaj's first Christmas
49
00:02:03,678 --> 00:02:05,430
because the orphanage kept canceling it.
50
00:02:05,514 --> 00:02:08,392
Once it was blizzards, once
it was fires, and once it was…
51
00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:10,269
Famine. That's right, famine.
52
00:02:10,353 --> 00:02:12,855
Oh.
Papa promised me the best present ever,
53
00:02:12,939 --> 00:02:15,149
a Captain Latvia action figure.
54
00:02:15,233 --> 00:02:18,777
Whoa, Captain Latvia? What's his
superpower, can he talk to moose?
55
00:02:18,861 --> 00:02:20,654
No, possums. Worse.
56
00:02:20,738 --> 00:02:22,614
It's a very difficult
toy to get in America,
57
00:02:22,698 --> 00:02:25,660
so I was worried when Charles
told Nikolaj he would get him one.
58
00:02:25,744 --> 00:02:28,705
I said, "Keep it a surprise, so
you don't build up his expectations,"
59
00:02:28,789 --> 00:02:31,291
but Charles said, "No way, I
want to build expectations."
60
00:02:31,375 --> 00:02:33,001
Well, we all remember the conversation.
61
00:02:33,085 --> 00:02:35,587
Oh! Work time for Daddy.
I'll see you guys later.
62
00:02:35,712 --> 00:02:37,756
Okay, I love you guys so much. Love you.
63
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:38,840
BOYLE: All right. Bye.
64
00:02:38,924 --> 00:02:40,633
Christmas is going to be amazing!
65
00:02:40,717 --> 00:02:42,553
Christmas is going to suck.
I don't have the present.
66
00:02:42,637 --> 00:02:44,013
What? But you promised Nikolaj.
67
00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:46,307
I ordered it a month ago
from a Latvian toy store,
68
00:02:46,391 --> 00:02:47,808
and it still hasn't arrived yet.
69
00:02:47,892 --> 00:02:49,685
The shipping company is
giving me the runaround.
70
00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:51,061
All right, so, just get
him a different present
71
00:02:51,145 --> 00:02:52,688
like a Jet Ski or a hammer.
72
00:02:52,772 --> 00:02:53,856
I don't know what kids are into.
73
00:02:53,940 --> 00:02:56,567
Genevieve and I worked so
hard to get Nikolaj to trust us
74
00:02:56,651 --> 00:02:58,194
when we brought him home.
75
00:02:58,278 --> 00:03:01,531
[SIGHS] That's going to be destroyed,
the way dry rot destroyed his orphanage.
76
00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:03,617
Trust me, it's going to be fine. Really?
77
00:03:03,742 --> 00:03:06,620
'Cause you said that
about Die Hard 5, Jake.
78
00:03:07,580 --> 00:03:08,664
Oh.
79
00:03:09,039 --> 00:03:10,666
It's not going to be fine.
80
00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:13,168
HOLT: Finally, let's talk
about community outreach.
81
00:03:13,252 --> 00:03:14,586
Does anyone have any ideas about…
82
00:03:14,670 --> 00:03:19,926
ALL: ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la la la la ♪
83
00:03:20,010 --> 00:03:22,220
Who are these golden-throated dorks?
84
00:03:22,304 --> 00:03:23,805
-It's the MTA.
-JEREMY: That's right.
85
00:03:23,889 --> 00:03:25,640
The Metropolitan Transit Authority.
86
00:03:25,724 --> 00:03:27,683
I assumed you've climbed
out of your rat tunnels
87
00:03:27,767 --> 00:03:30,436
to taunt us about tonight's
charity caroling competition.
88
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:31,896
No, no, of course not.
89
00:03:31,980 --> 00:03:34,480
We're here to wish you
luck, since every year we…
90
00:03:34,692 --> 00:03:37,528
-♪ Kick Your ♪
-ALL: ♪ Butts ♪
91
00:03:37,612 --> 00:03:39,988
Enough! You may have bested us before,
92
00:03:40,072 --> 00:03:41,990
but throttle back your ambitions.
93
00:03:42,074 --> 00:03:43,408
Our voices are…
94
00:03:43,492 --> 00:03:45,244
♪ -Better ♪
-DIAZ: ♪ Awesome ♪
95
00:03:45,328 --> 00:03:48,664
-♪ Sing! Scully ♪
-JEREMY: That was terrible.
96
00:03:48,748 --> 00:03:49,916
I hope you're more prepared tonight,
97
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:52,043
or else we'll have to file
a missing persons report.
98
00:03:52,127 --> 00:03:54,504
First name, "Your", last name, "Dignity."
99
00:03:54,671 --> 00:03:57,090
[SCOFFS] Come on, crew,
let's hit the rails and buses.
100
00:03:57,174 --> 00:03:59,634
Both great ways to get around the city.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
101
00:03:59,718 --> 00:04:02,720
I hate that we lose to those
pasty-assed mole people every year.
102
00:04:02,804 --> 00:04:05,598
Oh, there's no point in mincing
your words. They're knaves!
103
00:04:05,682 --> 00:04:07,768
Captain, you kiss Kevin with that mouth?
104
00:04:07,852 --> 00:04:11,438
You bet I do.
And tonight, I'm going to sing with it.
105
00:04:11,522 --> 00:04:14,067
We're taking down the MTA!
106
00:04:14,651 --> 00:04:16,152
[KNOCKING]
107
00:04:19,364 --> 00:04:21,282
Charles, what are you doing? [WHIMPERS]
108
00:04:21,366 --> 00:04:22,449
What? [WHIMPERS]
109
00:04:22,533 --> 00:04:23,659
No idea what you're saying.
110
00:04:23,743 --> 00:04:26,538
Why aren't you wearing a jacket?
Oh, jacket, got it.
111
00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:29,708
Aw, it's freezing.
What are you doing out here?
112
00:04:29,792 --> 00:04:32,294
I'm on the phone with
Melvin's Import-Exports,
113
00:04:32,378 --> 00:04:34,421
the bastards who lost my Captain Latvia.
114
00:04:34,505 --> 00:04:36,131
Now, wrap me in your
arms, I need body heat.
115
00:04:36,215 --> 00:04:38,466
All right. And you're nestling. [SIGHS]
116
00:04:38,550 --> 00:04:41,387
Ugh, first those jerks said they lost
my package, then they said they found it,
117
00:04:41,471 --> 00:04:42,763
then they had me on hold for three hours.
118
00:04:42,847 --> 00:04:44,640
This is the only place
I get reliable reception.
119
00:04:44,724 --> 00:04:46,809
I'm unwrapping for a sec. No, why?
120
00:04:46,893 --> 00:04:50,855
'Cause I need my fingers to
save the day like a freaking hero.
121
00:04:50,939 --> 00:04:52,231
And, boom.
122
00:04:52,315 --> 00:04:55,109
Melvin's Import is in Queens.
Let's just go there right now.
123
00:04:55,193 --> 00:04:57,905
Oh, so, they could just walk all over
me in person instead of on the phone?
124
00:04:57,989 --> 00:05:00,032
Face it, Jake, I'm weak.
What? Don't talk like that.
125
00:05:00,116 --> 00:05:01,408
You're very strong, all right?
126
00:05:01,492 --> 00:05:03,660
And you're a parent now,
which makes you even stronger.
127
00:05:03,744 --> 00:05:05,537
I mean, think about all those
moms who literally lift buses
128
00:05:05,621 --> 00:05:07,039
off their kids every day.
129
00:05:07,123 --> 00:05:10,250
Oh, so, you're saying I should
tap into my mommy strength.
130
00:05:10,334 --> 00:05:12,002
Yeah, or daddy strength, but whatever.
131
00:05:12,086 --> 00:05:14,671
Right, time to put some
daddy into my mommy.
132
00:05:14,755 --> 00:05:17,008
Gotta be a better way
to phrase that, let's go.
133
00:05:17,092 --> 00:05:18,927
HOLT: Okay, let's review
our simple harmonies.
134
00:05:19,011 --> 00:05:21,679
When I point at you, hit your note.
135
00:05:21,763 --> 00:05:22,764
[VOCALIZING]
136
00:05:23,265 --> 00:05:24,266
[VOCALIZING]
137
00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:26,226
[BOTH VOCALIZING]
138
00:05:27,019 --> 00:05:28,020
[VOCALIZING SHRILLY]
139
00:05:29,187 --> 00:05:30,188
[ALL STOP]
140
00:05:30,814 --> 00:05:32,566
Okay. That was horrible.
141
00:05:32,650 --> 00:05:34,443
Because I didn't get a chance to rap.
142
00:05:34,527 --> 00:05:37,363
♪ Pop, pop, droppin'
bodies, it's a stickup, you punk ass ♪
143
00:05:37,447 --> 00:05:39,156
No, Hitchcock, there's no rapping.
144
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:40,950
You've grossly misread the situation.
145
00:05:41,034 --> 00:05:42,826
Maybe we just need to practice more.
146
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:44,787
I, for one, felt like I
was a teeny bit off.
147
00:05:44,871 --> 00:05:46,038
Don't fool yourself, Santiago.
148
00:05:46,122 --> 00:05:47,498
You were the most off of everyone.
149
00:05:47,582 --> 00:05:50,002
That's enough! Sure, we're untrained.
150
00:05:50,127 --> 00:05:52,921
Yes, our voices sound like garbage,
151
00:05:53,005 --> 00:05:55,548
and, yes, the MTA has
a huge head-start on us,
152
00:05:55,632 --> 00:05:56,883
and it's embarrassing.
153
00:05:56,967 --> 00:06:00,471
But you know what? We're the Nine-Nine.
154
00:06:00,596 --> 00:06:03,264
And nothing can stand in our way.
155
00:06:03,348 --> 00:06:06,227
She's right.
We're going to beat their butts tonight.
156
00:06:06,311 --> 00:06:08,563
Oh, tonight? "Tonight," tonight?
157
00:06:08,730 --> 00:06:10,815
Yeah, I can't. I have Hamilton tickets.
158
00:06:10,982 --> 00:06:12,817
Oh, well, good luck. Peace.
159
00:06:13,193 --> 00:06:15,820
I'm out, too. I mean, if we're just
going to be humiliated, I don't…
160
00:06:15,904 --> 00:06:17,738
Wait, shut up.
Did you just tell yourself to shut up?
161
00:06:17,822 --> 00:06:19,615
Yeah, now you shut up, too. Listen.
162
00:06:19,699 --> 00:06:21,158
MAN: ♪ Mother and child ♪
163
00:06:21,242 --> 00:06:23,287
You hear that? It's an angel
164
00:06:23,788 --> 00:06:27,249
who will save us.
165
00:06:27,333 --> 00:06:28,709
It's coming from the bullpen.
166
00:06:28,793 --> 00:06:32,588
MAN: ♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
167
00:06:33,089 --> 00:06:35,507
Who's singing?
Is it one of the uniformed officers?
168
00:06:35,591 --> 00:06:36,842
No, it is not.
169
00:06:36,926 --> 00:06:42,015
-♪ Heavenly peace ♪
-Our angel's a criminal.
170
00:06:42,099 --> 00:06:43,516
And our angel is drunk.
171
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,143
[VOMITING]
172
00:06:45,227 --> 00:06:46,937
[LAUGHS] The angel puked.
173
00:06:47,938 --> 00:06:49,647
Hey, you Melvin?
174
00:06:49,731 --> 00:06:50,815
I am, who are you?
175
00:06:50,899 --> 00:06:54,235
I'm Charles, from being on
hold, and I want my package.
176
00:06:54,319 --> 00:06:55,862
Yeah, I already told you,
that package isn't here.
177
00:06:55,946 --> 00:06:57,990
I made a sacred promise to my son,
178
00:06:58,074 --> 00:06:59,283
and you're not going
to make a liar out of me,
179
00:06:59,367 --> 00:07:01,494
so why don't you take another look?
180
00:07:01,619 --> 00:07:08,619
We'll wait.
'Cause we've got all night long.
181
00:07:08,835 --> 00:07:09,961
Damn.
182
00:07:10,294 --> 00:07:12,838
Oh, I don't know if you
knew this, but I'm a cop.
183
00:07:12,922 --> 00:07:15,091
So, maybe this time, don't lie to me.
184
00:07:15,175 --> 00:07:16,718
Hey, I didn't know you guys were police.
185
00:07:16,802 --> 00:07:19,429
Well, now you do, genius.
186
00:07:21,014 --> 00:07:22,557
How do you keep doing that? I don't know.
187
00:07:22,641 --> 00:07:26,061
All right, hold on. Look, there's a
Latvian gang, okay, the Gals Skepu.
188
00:07:26,145 --> 00:07:28,229
They smuggle guns in
containers that come from Latvia.
189
00:07:28,313 --> 00:07:29,481
Sometimes, there's other packages
190
00:07:29,565 --> 00:07:31,025
that get lost in the process, okay?
191
00:07:31,109 --> 00:07:33,069
If you want to find
yours, you gotta find them.
192
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:34,528
PERALTA: Gun-running gangsters, huh?
193
00:07:34,612 --> 00:07:37,031
Well, looks like we're going
to take down the Latvian mob.
194
00:07:37,115 --> 00:07:38,491
Hell yeah, we are.
195
00:07:39,784 --> 00:07:41,577
[SCREAMS]
196
00:07:41,661 --> 00:07:42,870
Is it bleeding?
197
00:07:42,954 --> 00:07:44,246
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
Charles, is it bleeding?
198
00:07:44,330 --> 00:07:46,207
I want a Band-Aid. Thanks, Melvin.
199
00:07:48,586 --> 00:07:49,711
Hey. Hey.
200
00:07:49,795 --> 00:07:51,546
I just talked to Crawford
from Organized Crime.
201
00:07:51,630 --> 00:07:54,341
Apparently, the Gals Skepu are
major gun-runners on the East Coast.
202
00:07:54,425 --> 00:07:57,385
Their leader's got an office in the back.
Also, great chest hair.
203
00:07:57,469 --> 00:07:59,679
Ah, Genevieve calls
it "the plume of Boyle."
204
00:07:59,763 --> 00:08:03,142
Aw, that's so yucky.
Hey, do you think this shirt is offensive?
205
00:08:03,309 --> 00:08:05,186
I'm just not sure how
it fits into my ensemble.
206
00:08:05,270 --> 00:08:08,022
Come on, focus, Jake.
My boy's happiness is at stake.
207
00:08:08,106 --> 00:08:10,108
I mean, read the email
Genevieve just sent me.
208
00:08:10,192 --> 00:08:11,442
Skip the part about her bra.
209
00:08:11,526 --> 00:08:13,903
Impossible, it's in all caps, bolded. Oh.
210
00:08:13,987 --> 00:08:15,321
[CLEARS THROAT] Here we go.
"Nik-Nik is so excited
211
00:08:15,405 --> 00:08:16,656
"you're getting him Captain Latvia."
212
00:08:16,740 --> 00:08:18,908
And then there's a photo of
him karate-chopping a cat.
213
00:08:18,992 --> 00:08:21,744
Oh, yeah, that's Captain
Latvia's move, the Riga Hammer.
214
00:08:21,828 --> 00:08:23,705
You hit a guy here,
he goes down instantly.
215
00:08:23,789 --> 00:08:24,790
Sounds a little far-fetched.
216
00:08:24,874 --> 00:08:26,667
Okay, well, tell that to
Captain Latvia's enemies.
217
00:08:26,751 --> 00:08:28,669
Oh, wait, you can't,
because they're unconscious.
218
00:08:28,753 --> 00:08:30,420
Okay, the door is guarded by the mob.
219
00:08:30,504 --> 00:08:32,704
You want to figure out our plan?
Already did.
220
00:08:33,132 --> 00:08:35,759
Mommy's going to talk her way in.
221
00:08:35,843 --> 00:08:36,969
[ALL LAUGHING]
222
00:08:37,053 --> 00:08:39,764
Hey there, jokers. I got a joke for you.
223
00:08:39,848 --> 00:08:43,768
What did one Estonian
farmer say to the other?
224
00:08:43,852 --> 00:08:48,941
"Our crop yields are so much
smaller than that of mighty Latvia."
225
00:08:54,071 --> 00:08:56,532
[ALL LAUGHING]
226
00:08:57,075 --> 00:08:59,327
Okay. Come on in.
227
00:08:59,577 --> 00:09:02,205
-[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
-Oh, laughing is fun.
228
00:09:02,497 --> 00:09:03,831
The question on the table is,
229
00:09:03,915 --> 00:09:06,917
do we add a velvet-voiced
drunkard to our caroling group,
230
00:09:07,001 --> 00:09:10,922
or do we lose miserably like
a bunch of miserable losers?
231
00:09:11,130 --> 00:09:13,633
I say we do it, and I'm the boss.
232
00:09:13,717 --> 00:09:15,427
Therefore, meeting adjourned.
233
00:09:15,511 --> 00:09:18,430
I can't believe you're even
considering this, Captain.
234
00:09:18,514 --> 00:09:20,640
The guy's a criminal. Barely.
235
00:09:20,724 --> 00:09:24,561
It was public intoxication.
All he did was pee on a couple snowmen.
236
00:09:24,645 --> 00:09:25,645
And one regular man.
237
00:09:25,729 --> 00:09:27,689
Plus, it'll count toward
his community service.
238
00:09:27,773 --> 00:09:31,152
In a certain way, we'll be
furthering the cause of justice.
239
00:09:31,236 --> 00:09:33,863
Santiago, breaking the
rules makes you all sweaty.
240
00:09:33,947 --> 00:09:35,347
You can't be okay with this.
241
00:09:36,199 --> 00:09:38,451
These pits are bone-dry. The drunk sings!
242
00:09:38,576 --> 00:09:40,870
The drunk sings.
243
00:09:41,246 --> 00:09:42,538
Thank you very much.
244
00:09:42,622 --> 00:09:44,999
Did you unbutton another button?
Eyes up here, Jake.
245
00:09:45,083 --> 00:09:46,334
So, did you learn anything,
246
00:09:46,418 --> 00:09:48,670
or were you just staring
at my body the whole time?
247
00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:51,006
Weird.
But I did find out who the manager is,
248
00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:52,090
and I'm almost positive
249
00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:53,884
she's got a key to the
back office on her right now.
250
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:55,719
Her name is Svetlana. Thanks.
251
00:09:55,803 --> 00:09:57,012
I'll take it from here.
252
00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:58,889
Wait, Charles, she
doesn't speak any English,
253
00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:00,265
and we don't want to blow our cover.
254
00:10:00,349 --> 00:10:01,350
[SIGHS] Do you speak any Latvian?
255
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,644
Well, I learned a few
phrases for Nikolaj,
256
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:06,189
but I'm not going to
use words with Svetlana.
257
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:07,774
Don't say you're going to use your musk.
258
00:10:07,858 --> 00:10:10,694
I'm going to use my musk! Okay.
259
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:13,821
[HOLT WHISTLES]
260
00:10:13,905 --> 00:10:15,615
It's a pretty juicy crowd out there.
261
00:10:15,699 --> 00:10:17,242
Okay, everyone, remember your role.
262
00:10:17,326 --> 00:10:19,410
Patrick, solos. Scully, mouth percussion.
263
00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:21,872
Rosa, mouth percussion.
Amy, silent mouth percussion…
264
00:10:21,956 --> 00:10:23,582
I can't even mouth-percuss? No.
265
00:10:23,666 --> 00:10:24,708
Terry, mouth percussion.
266
00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:27,336
Hitchcock, stay backstage. You got it.
267
00:10:27,420 --> 00:10:30,172
We walk out one-by-one, bum-bum-bumming,
268
00:10:30,256 --> 00:10:32,258
then Patrick sings us to victory.
269
00:10:32,342 --> 00:10:33,509
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
270
00:10:33,593 --> 00:10:35,928
put your hands together
for the 99th Precinct.
271
00:10:36,012 --> 00:10:37,054
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
272
00:10:37,138 --> 00:10:39,308
[ALL VOCALIZING]
273
00:10:48,108 --> 00:10:49,859
Now, Patrick. Now.
274
00:10:49,943 --> 00:10:51,069
Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.
275
00:10:51,153 --> 00:10:54,156
No, too many people. Too many.
276
00:10:56,201 --> 00:10:57,651
SANTIAGO: Sir, say something.
277
00:10:57,744 --> 00:11:00,955
I'm sorry, but there's
been a police emergency.
278
00:11:01,039 --> 00:11:02,957
There's a bomb.
279
00:11:03,041 --> 00:11:04,166
[ALL MURMURING]
280
00:11:04,250 --> 00:11:09,547
Not here, far away, but they
still need us. So, Merry Christmas.
281
00:11:09,672 --> 00:11:12,510
And, uh, don't think about the bomb.
282
00:11:12,968 --> 00:11:14,011
Bye.
283
00:11:15,346 --> 00:11:16,596
That sounded great.
284
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:17,848
JEFFORDS: Not now, Hitchcock.
285
00:11:17,932 --> 00:11:19,433
What the hell happened
out there, Patrick?
286
00:11:19,517 --> 00:11:21,852
I'm really sorry.
There were so many people.
287
00:11:22,019 --> 00:11:23,312
I got stage fright. I don't get it.
288
00:11:23,396 --> 00:11:25,689
You had no problem singing
in front of the entire precinct.
289
00:11:25,773 --> 00:11:28,775
I was drunk.
Alcohol gives me the courage to sing.
290
00:11:28,859 --> 00:11:30,570
And the courage to pee on snow people.
291
00:11:30,654 --> 00:11:32,614
Well, well, well.
292
00:11:32,823 --> 00:11:34,032
I made a couple calls,
293
00:11:34,116 --> 00:11:35,950
and imagine my surprise when I found out
294
00:11:36,034 --> 00:11:38,661
that the only bomb
out there was you guys.
295
00:11:38,745 --> 00:11:40,913
Yeah, well, it looks
like the only train in here
296
00:11:40,997 --> 00:11:43,041
is the train. Tell him, Amy.
297
00:11:43,125 --> 00:11:46,127
Train, training, training wheels…
298
00:11:46,211 --> 00:11:48,255
You're circling, find it, find it.
299
00:11:48,339 --> 00:11:51,384
Wheels! You are wheels! Nope.
300
00:11:51,634 --> 00:11:53,636
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
301
00:11:58,266 --> 00:12:00,225
BOYLE: Fantastic dancer.
302
00:12:00,309 --> 00:12:01,310
[KEY JINGLES]
303
00:12:02,228 --> 00:12:03,312
[SLAPS BUTT]
304
00:12:04,022 --> 00:12:06,524
Wow, Boyle, you got more
moves than Bobby Fischer
305
00:12:06,608 --> 00:12:08,485
who I saw a documentary about last week.
306
00:12:08,569 --> 00:12:10,236
Flattery will get you everywhere, Jake.
307
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,615
Follow me. I figure we got 15 minutes
before the pheromones wear off,
308
00:12:13,699 --> 00:12:15,116
and she realizes I took the key.
309
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,995
I was spraying them like
a skunk out there. Ugh.
310
00:12:18,454 --> 00:12:19,537
I got nothing.
311
00:12:19,621 --> 00:12:21,999
No shipping records, no
addresses, nothing about illegal guns,
312
00:12:22,083 --> 00:12:23,209
and nothing about Captain Latvia.
313
00:12:23,293 --> 00:12:24,794
Well, they're obviously
not going to broadcast
314
00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:26,337
what they did with Captain Latvia.
315
00:12:26,421 --> 00:12:27,880
They're not fools. We should go.
316
00:12:27,964 --> 00:12:29,673
We've been here too long.
This is getting dangerous.
317
00:12:29,757 --> 00:12:31,926
Well, "Danger" is my maiden name.
318
00:12:32,010 --> 00:12:33,511
"Middle name."
So, you better keep looking,
319
00:12:33,595 --> 00:12:35,930
because I'm not going to
let my kid down, not tonight.
320
00:12:36,014 --> 00:12:37,223
-Ugh.
-[DOOR HANDLE RATTLING]
321
00:12:37,307 --> 00:12:38,725
Crap, we've got company.
322
00:12:38,809 --> 00:12:39,851
I told you we had to leave.
323
00:12:39,935 --> 00:12:41,985
I found a tablet.
This could be something.
324
00:12:42,605 --> 00:12:45,816
Hey, thank God you're here.
Do you think this shirt is offensive?
325
00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:46,900
[SPEAKING LATVIAN]
326
00:12:46,984 --> 00:12:49,528
Do the Riga Hammer!
But that's not a real thing.
327
00:12:49,612 --> 00:12:50,612
Ahh!
328
00:12:50,696 --> 00:12:51,906
[GRUNTS] Jake!
329
00:12:53,282 --> 00:12:54,534
[SPEAKING LATVIAN]
330
00:12:54,618 --> 00:12:56,786
Oh, you want to do this in Latvian? Fine.
331
00:12:57,037 --> 00:12:59,331
[SPEAKING LATVIAN]
332
00:13:00,332 --> 00:13:02,584
-[SPEAKING LATVIAN]
-[GRUNTING]
333
00:13:04,044 --> 00:13:05,795
[GRUNTS] Oh!
334
00:13:06,087 --> 00:13:08,632
[SPEAKING LATVIAN]
335
00:13:08,757 --> 00:13:10,216
What were you guys talking about?
336
00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:12,000
Did he think the shirt was racist?
337
00:13:13,721 --> 00:13:16,807
So, pretty crazy how you took
out that Latvian mob guy back there.
338
00:13:16,891 --> 00:13:20,185
I know, I felt like a superhero.
Like the Hulk's mom.
339
00:13:20,269 --> 00:13:21,562
Why the mom?
340
00:13:21,646 --> 00:13:24,314
Is there anything on that
tablet that will lead us to his toy?
341
00:13:24,398 --> 00:13:26,275
I don't know, it's locked.
But don't worry,
342
00:13:26,359 --> 00:13:27,860
our tech guys will
get it open in no time.
343
00:13:27,944 --> 00:13:29,362
[SCOFFS] I don't have
time for those dorks.
344
00:13:29,446 --> 00:13:30,864
What? But you love Ted and Craig.
345
00:13:30,948 --> 00:13:32,157
You fly kites with them every weekend.
346
00:13:32,241 --> 00:13:33,616
They're good guys.
Give me the damn tablet!
347
00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:35,400
What? No, Charles, you're driving!
348
00:13:35,911 --> 00:13:37,246
One-two-three-four? Nope.
349
00:13:37,371 --> 00:13:39,080
Five-five-five-five? Damn it. Stop.
350
00:13:39,164 --> 00:13:41,499
If you keep getting it wrong, we're
going to get locked out forever.
351
00:13:41,583 --> 00:13:43,033
That's a risk I have to take.
352
00:13:43,877 --> 00:13:46,005
Boom, did it. Five-six-eight-three.
353
00:13:46,089 --> 00:13:48,716
Fifth most common pass code this year.
It spells…
354
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,009
"Love." "Fart." Yep, love.
355
00:13:50,093 --> 00:13:51,594
Now, find me something I could use.
356
00:13:51,678 --> 00:13:53,304
Never thought I'd have to
say, "A please would be nice,"
357
00:13:53,388 --> 00:13:55,473
but okay. Oh, here we go.
358
00:13:55,557 --> 00:13:57,725
There are a bunch of messages
about a warehouse in Crown Heights.
359
00:13:57,809 --> 00:13:59,226
Crown Heights, that's where we're going.
360
00:13:59,310 --> 00:14:02,021
-[ENGINE REVVING]
-Hey, Charles, that was a yellow light!
361
00:14:02,105 --> 00:14:03,983
I proceeded with caution.
362
00:14:04,191 --> 00:14:08,195
ALL: ♪ Glory to the new born king ♪
363
00:14:08,279 --> 00:14:10,155
Those MTA jerks just texted us
364
00:14:10,239 --> 00:14:12,741
a GIF of a cartoon
subway train mooning a cop.
365
00:14:12,825 --> 00:14:14,117
They sent it from the stage.
366
00:14:14,201 --> 00:14:16,077
We cannot let this stand.
367
00:14:16,161 --> 00:14:18,163
But there's no way we can beat them.
What do we do?
368
00:14:18,247 --> 00:14:19,707
My rapping's still on the table.
369
00:14:19,791 --> 00:14:21,209
It's not even in the dining room.
370
00:14:21,293 --> 00:14:22,960
We need a new singer.
371
00:14:23,044 --> 00:14:26,547
I hate to say this, but I think we
should withdraw from the competition.
372
00:14:26,631 --> 00:14:28,382
Smart. Then we can sit in the audience
373
00:14:28,466 --> 00:14:30,301
and throw batteries at those MTA-holes.
374
00:14:30,385 --> 00:14:34,096
Guys, personally, I think we should
go out there and just sing our best.
375
00:14:34,180 --> 00:14:35,515
Caroling isn't about competing.
376
00:14:35,599 --> 00:14:36,892
It's about having fun together.
377
00:14:36,976 --> 00:14:39,186
Well, now, that you put it that
way, Scully, it makes me realize
378
00:14:39,270 --> 00:14:40,771
Rosa and Terry are right.
379
00:14:40,855 --> 00:14:44,441
I say we quit the competition
and hurl projectiles at the MTA.
380
00:14:44,525 --> 00:14:47,486
What's up, y'all?
Guess who just saved your asses?
381
00:14:47,612 --> 00:14:51,114
That's right.
Miss Not Good Enough To Audibly Percuss.
382
00:14:51,198 --> 00:14:53,492
Who? Me! I saved the flipping day.
383
00:14:53,577 --> 00:14:55,161
Got Patrick drunk, listen.
384
00:14:55,245 --> 00:14:57,038
♪ I can sing ♪
385
00:14:57,122 --> 00:14:59,207
Are you serious, Santiago?
386
00:14:59,291 --> 00:15:01,251
That is ethically questionable.
387
00:15:01,335 --> 00:15:02,878
-[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
-Ugh.
388
00:15:03,670 --> 00:15:06,047
It's a bus pooping on a police car.
389
00:15:06,131 --> 00:15:07,841
Let's beat those bastards.
390
00:15:08,133 --> 00:15:09,801
Okay, this looks like the place.
391
00:15:09,885 --> 00:15:11,595
Now, let's get in there and
take down some bad boys.
392
00:15:11,679 --> 00:15:15,140
Hell yes, let's do that in 10 minutes
after backup arrives, and not until then.
393
00:15:15,224 --> 00:15:18,102
Look, I want this to be a
very special day for Nikolaj.
394
00:15:18,186 --> 00:15:19,687
There's a gang of armed men in there,
395
00:15:19,771 --> 00:15:20,980
and we've done zero recon.
396
00:15:21,064 --> 00:15:22,565
I won't let you go in, I mean it.
397
00:15:22,649 --> 00:15:23,774
[SIGHS]
398
00:15:23,858 --> 00:15:26,903
All right. We'll wait for backup.
399
00:15:27,028 --> 00:15:28,238
Great, thank you.
400
00:15:28,322 --> 00:15:29,365
[ENGINE STARTS]
401
00:15:37,665 --> 00:15:41,001
Only, I'm not waiting. What? Charles, no.
402
00:15:41,085 --> 00:15:42,586
[BOTH GRUNTING]
403
00:15:42,670 --> 00:15:45,006
Charles! Stop scooching.
404
00:15:45,090 --> 00:15:47,341
I am going to scooch.
You don't tell me when to scooch!
405
00:15:47,425 --> 00:15:50,177
God, I can't get by.
Curse my beautiful bubble butt.
406
00:15:50,261 --> 00:15:52,388
See, all Boyle men are
blessed with a flat ass,
407
00:15:52,472 --> 00:15:53,681
which is perfect for scooching.
408
00:15:53,765 --> 00:15:55,099
Why are you acting this way?
409
00:15:55,183 --> 00:15:56,475
'Cause I made a promise to my son.
410
00:15:56,559 --> 00:15:58,144
You can't understand
'cause you're not a father.
411
00:15:58,228 --> 00:16:00,354
You never will be. Hey! Yes, I will.
412
00:16:00,438 --> 00:16:01,648
When, Jake? We're all waiting.
413
00:16:01,732 --> 00:16:02,983
What are we even arguing about now?
414
00:16:03,067 --> 00:16:04,867
It's about me saving Christmas. Duh!
415
00:16:05,361 --> 00:16:07,321
Damn it, my pants are snagged.
416
00:16:07,405 --> 00:16:09,072
[LAUGHS] Now, you
have to wait for backup.
417
00:16:09,156 --> 00:16:12,326
No, I don't.
I'm going to shimmy them off.
418
00:16:14,036 --> 00:16:16,580
Oh, God, the eye
contact is the worst part.
419
00:16:17,915 --> 00:16:19,126
[GRUNTS]
420
00:16:20,502 --> 00:16:24,172
[PANTS] I told you, Jake.
I'll do anything to perk up my little man.
421
00:16:24,256 --> 00:16:27,008
You gotta know how gross
that sounds in your underwear.
422
00:16:27,134 --> 00:16:29,177
Thank you for allowing us to return.
423
00:16:29,261 --> 00:16:30,470
Turns out there wasn't a bomb.
424
00:16:30,554 --> 00:16:34,057
It was a clock made by an
overachieving minority student.
425
00:16:34,141 --> 00:16:37,186
What a world we live in. Now, let's sing.
426
00:16:37,311 --> 00:16:38,855
[PLAYS TUNE]
427
00:16:39,605 --> 00:16:41,691
[ALL VOCALIZING]
428
00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:50,992
Joy to the world The Lord is come
429
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:54,872
Let Earth receive her king
430
00:16:55,247 --> 00:17:00,001
Let everyone Eat my farts
431
00:17:00,085 --> 00:17:01,336
-[LAUGHS]
-[CROWD MURMURING]
432
00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:04,131
Yeah, I said it. New York City sucks!
433
00:17:04,298 --> 00:17:06,216
Hoboken for life!
434
00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:07,384
-Whoo!
-[CROWD BOOING]
435
00:17:07,468 --> 00:17:09,094
-[THUDS]
-[ALL GASP]
436
00:17:09,219 --> 00:17:11,389
Can't talk right now, Jake.
I'm a busy little bee.
437
00:17:11,473 --> 00:17:12,723
PERALTA: Wait, wait! Don't hang up.
438
00:17:12,807 --> 00:17:14,016
Just tell me what's going on,
439
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:16,268
so I know where to send
backup when it arrives.
440
00:17:16,352 --> 00:17:17,561
Uh, I'm north of the loading bay.
441
00:17:17,645 --> 00:17:19,730
I have eyes on the shipment.
There are only 10 guys.
442
00:17:19,814 --> 00:17:21,357
PERALTA: "Only"? That's too many guys.
443
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:22,566
BOYLE: They're removing guns.
444
00:17:22,650 --> 00:17:25,236
All right, they're taking the other boxes…
Oh, no, they're burning them.
445
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,656
They're going to burn Captain Latvia.
I have to go right now.
446
00:17:27,740 --> 00:17:29,408
PERALTA: It's too risky.
They have a ton of weapons.
447
00:17:29,492 --> 00:17:32,619
Doesn't matter. I'm going in
there, and no one can stop me.
448
00:17:32,703 --> 00:17:34,538
[GRUNTS, SIGHS]
449
00:17:34,663 --> 00:17:37,666
The Riga Hammer. It works.
450
00:17:40,544 --> 00:17:42,212
Ugh, where am I? [WINCES]
451
00:17:42,296 --> 00:17:43,673
Why the hell am I wearing pants?
452
00:17:43,757 --> 00:17:46,468
Oh, I put 'em back on you
after I Riga Hammered you.
453
00:17:46,802 --> 00:17:49,220
[GASPS] Yeah, it works. Insane.
454
00:17:49,304 --> 00:17:52,098
Oh…
Look, I couldn't let you go in there solo.
455
00:17:52,182 --> 00:17:54,142
I'm sorry, I feel terrible
for saving your life.
456
00:17:54,226 --> 00:17:55,685
Enough of your dumb apologies, Jake.
457
00:17:55,769 --> 00:17:57,729
SWAT's here, we have to
move on these guys now.
458
00:17:57,813 --> 00:17:59,063
No, Charles, you know what I realized
459
00:17:59,147 --> 00:18:01,066
when I saw you standing
over there in your underwear?
460
00:18:01,150 --> 00:18:02,735
That my butt is like a
sexy piece of drywall?
461
00:18:02,819 --> 00:18:04,278
What? No. Ew.
462
00:18:04,362 --> 00:18:06,572
You guys going to be much longer?
It's Christmas Eve.
463
00:18:06,656 --> 00:18:07,990
Just give us one sec, Marv.
464
00:18:08,074 --> 00:18:10,409
No, what I realized is, the
best gift you can give Nikolaj
465
00:18:10,493 --> 00:18:12,286
is not Captain Latvia. What?
466
00:18:12,370 --> 00:18:15,206
It's you, being there with him, alive.
467
00:18:15,331 --> 00:18:16,332
But I promised him.
468
00:18:16,457 --> 00:18:18,752
Yeah, but you also promised
him you were going to be his father.
469
00:18:18,836 --> 00:18:20,170
I'm worried we're going to lose tactical.
470
00:18:20,254 --> 00:18:22,505
Back off, Marv, we get it!
Come on, Marvin.
471
00:18:22,589 --> 00:18:24,674
Look, we can handle this without you.
Just go home.
472
00:18:24,758 --> 00:18:27,594
Thanks, Jake. And I'm sorry
I said you'll never be a dad.
473
00:18:27,678 --> 00:18:29,929
You will be, and you can
make it happen tonight.
474
00:18:30,013 --> 00:18:31,890
Just go to Amy and make sure afterwards
475
00:18:31,974 --> 00:18:33,433
that she holds her knees
to her chest for at least…
476
00:18:33,517 --> 00:18:34,642
All right, I think I'm good on this.
477
00:18:34,726 --> 00:18:35,854
Okay. Yeah.
478
00:18:37,021 --> 00:18:38,273
[SIGHS]
479
00:18:38,690 --> 00:18:40,316
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
480
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,027
All right, Marv, be honest with me.
481
00:18:43,111 --> 00:18:44,320
What do you think of this shirt?
482
00:18:44,404 --> 00:18:45,529
It's a little inappropriate.
483
00:18:45,613 --> 00:18:48,699
I knew it.
All right, let's just go on three. Ready?
484
00:18:48,783 --> 00:18:51,286
One, two, go, go, go.
485
00:18:52,121 --> 00:18:54,080
Once again, the MTA has bested us.
486
00:18:54,164 --> 00:18:56,291
We should never have
trusted a Hoboken drunk.
487
00:18:56,375 --> 00:19:00,712
Hamilton was amazing!
488
00:19:00,796 --> 00:19:03,799
How is no one talking about this musical?
It's so good.
489
00:19:04,550 --> 00:19:08,470
Wow, you guys look more
upset than Aaron Burr, sir.
490
00:19:08,554 --> 00:19:11,641
That's from the musical, Hamilton,
which I just discovered, basically.
491
00:19:11,725 --> 00:19:13,184
We lost the caroling competition.
492
00:19:13,268 --> 00:19:14,477
And now, we hate singing.
493
00:19:14,561 --> 00:19:16,395
Almost as much as we hate the MTA.
494
00:19:16,479 --> 00:19:18,314
Yeah, so, we should
prank-call their tip line
495
00:19:18,398 --> 00:19:19,982
with a series of well-crafted insults.
496
00:19:20,066 --> 00:19:22,276
We should toilet paper their houses.
497
00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:23,486
With rocks.
498
00:19:23,570 --> 00:19:25,112
Come on, guys.
499
00:19:25,196 --> 00:19:27,783
Getting back at people isn't
what Christmas is all about.
500
00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:29,827
It's about being together, as a family.
501
00:19:29,911 --> 00:19:31,870
So, you can plot your petty revenge,
502
00:19:31,954 --> 00:19:35,041
but I, for one, am going
to carol my heart out.
503
00:19:35,750 --> 00:19:37,251
I'm sorry, I didn't hear
a word you just said.
504
00:19:37,335 --> 00:19:39,545
That stain on your pants looks
exactly like Bryan Cranston.
505
00:19:39,629 --> 00:19:41,171
That's who it is! Oh, that's right.
506
00:19:41,255 --> 00:19:43,299
Yeah, been staring at it for an hour.
That's it.
507
00:19:43,383 --> 00:19:44,384
[KNOCKING]
508
00:19:45,469 --> 00:19:47,512
Hey. Jake, what happened?
509
00:19:47,596 --> 00:19:51,099
Well, we arrested 12 guys,
confiscated 35 automatic weapons,
510
00:19:51,183 --> 00:19:52,392
and I found Captain Latvia.
511
00:19:52,476 --> 00:19:53,894
You did? Oh, my God!
512
00:19:54,019 --> 00:19:57,188
Uh, melted, I found him
extremely melted and grotesque.
513
00:19:57,272 --> 00:19:58,982
Probably should've
strung that together faster.
514
00:19:59,066 --> 00:20:00,443
Well, that's okay.
515
00:20:00,610 --> 00:20:02,528
You taught me that
Christmas isn't about presents.
516
00:20:02,612 --> 00:20:04,822
No, forget all that crap. Presents rule.
517
00:20:04,906 --> 00:20:07,742
Here, give him this. From you.
518
00:20:07,867 --> 00:20:10,536
It's a policeman, just like you, Papa.
519
00:20:10,620 --> 00:20:12,371
This is the coolest present ever.
520
00:20:12,455 --> 00:20:16,000
"I'm Detective Papa, and I'm
going to go to the farmers' market.
521
00:20:16,084 --> 00:20:17,628
"I hope they have aged Gouda."
522
00:20:17,753 --> 00:20:20,505
Oh, my God, I'm melting.
523
00:20:20,589 --> 00:20:23,341
I'm literally turning into a puddle.
Genevieve, hold me.
524
00:20:23,425 --> 00:20:24,551
I got you, babe.
525
00:20:25,636 --> 00:20:29,055
Oh, honey, that flat ass is
perched right on top of my ute.
526
00:20:29,139 --> 00:20:32,934
I'm going to pretend none of that
was said for the sake of the child.
527
00:20:33,018 --> 00:20:36,690
-[MAN SINGING]
-Wait a minute, is that Scully?
528
00:20:37,816 --> 00:20:39,108
♪ Four calling birds ♪
529
00:20:39,192 --> 00:20:42,320
♪ Three French hens, two turtle doves ♪
530
00:20:42,404 --> 00:20:46,366
♪ And a partridge in a pear tree ♪
531
00:20:46,825 --> 00:20:48,743
Hey, guys, thought I'd
spread the Christmas cheer.
532
00:20:48,827 --> 00:20:51,246
Cool, so, you're just
out here, caroling solo?
533
00:20:51,330 --> 00:20:52,456
Yeah, I guess you could say that.
534
00:20:52,540 --> 00:20:54,625
No, you can't. He's not solo.
535
00:20:54,792 --> 00:20:56,752
You guys came! Damn right we did.
536
00:20:56,961 --> 00:20:59,547
A one, a two, a one, two, three…
537
00:20:59,672 --> 00:21:02,090
ALL: ♪ Dashing through the snow ♪
538
00:21:02,174 --> 00:21:05,177
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
539
00:21:05,344 --> 00:21:07,804
They're really bad singers, Papa.
540
00:21:07,888 --> 00:21:10,434
Yes, they are. They're horrible.
541
00:21:10,851 --> 00:21:14,646
♪ Bells on bobtail ring
Making spirits ♪
42274
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