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1
00:00:02,819 --> 00:00:05,155
Gather around, glorious turd monsters,
2
00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:08,325
and feast your eyes on
what I hold in this hand.
3
00:00:08,409 --> 00:00:10,620
The future of movement. A hoverboard.
4
00:00:10,704 --> 00:00:11,996
I don't understand those things.
5
00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:13,748
Is walking really so hard for you?
6
00:00:13,832 --> 00:00:16,042
Oh, Ames, walking's a nightmare.
7
00:00:16,126 --> 00:00:17,211
Yeah, Amy.
8
00:00:17,295 --> 00:00:18,880
Now, friends,
9
00:00:19,047 --> 00:00:21,341
-eat my space dust.
-[BEEPS, WHIRRS]
10
00:00:21,758 --> 00:00:23,009
[GROANS]
11
00:00:23,469 --> 00:00:25,846
Okay, a little harder to
control than I thought.
12
00:00:25,971 --> 00:00:28,598
[SIGHS] Okay, there we go. Whoo!
13
00:00:28,682 --> 00:00:29,892
Think I'm getting the hang of it.
14
00:00:29,976 --> 00:00:31,311
-No, I'm not!
-[ALL GASPING]
15
00:00:31,686 --> 00:00:32,687
[LAUGHS]
16
00:00:32,771 --> 00:00:34,022
[YELLS]
17
00:00:34,773 --> 00:00:35,899
I'm all right.
18
00:00:36,359 --> 00:00:37,360
[GROANS]
19
00:00:37,568 --> 00:00:38,569
[PERALTA GROANS]
20
00:00:38,819 --> 00:00:40,195
[YELLING] No!
21
00:00:40,279 --> 00:00:41,280
-[CRASHES]
-[GROANS]
22
00:00:41,364 --> 00:00:43,366
-I'm doing it!
-[APPLAUSE]
23
00:00:43,450 --> 00:00:44,659
I'm doing it!
24
00:00:44,743 --> 00:00:45,785
You got this?
25
00:00:45,869 --> 00:00:47,203
No, I do not got this, Terry.
26
00:00:47,287 --> 00:00:48,496
Don't let go of me!
27
00:00:48,580 --> 00:00:51,501
The future of movement is now! Whoa!
28
00:00:51,751 --> 00:00:53,753
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
29
00:01:14,318 --> 00:01:15,486
There he is.
30
00:01:15,570 --> 00:01:17,823
All hail the birthday boy.
31
00:01:18,657 --> 00:01:20,366
Oh! What the hell was that?
32
00:01:20,450 --> 00:01:22,495
Charles, probably shouldn't
have done that in a police station.
33
00:01:22,579 --> 00:01:24,455
And not celebrate your birthday properly?
34
00:01:24,539 --> 00:01:25,581
I'd rather get shot.
35
00:01:25,665 --> 00:01:26,707
You do you, Boyle.
36
00:01:26,791 --> 00:01:27,917
I'm doing me.
37
00:01:28,001 --> 00:01:29,085
What's this case?
38
00:01:29,169 --> 00:01:30,253
SANTIAGO: Oh, this isn't work.
39
00:01:30,337 --> 00:01:32,714
It's research on your mom
since we're finally meeting.
40
00:01:32,798 --> 00:01:34,132
It's very thorough.
41
00:01:34,216 --> 00:01:36,010
Just relax. She's gonna love you.
42
00:01:36,094 --> 00:01:37,595
You're both strong, accomplished women
43
00:01:37,679 --> 00:01:38,763
that have seen me naked.
44
00:01:38,847 --> 00:01:40,897
I used to be so good at meeting grownups.
45
00:01:41,182 --> 00:01:43,393
I'd just sing Itsy
Bitsy Spider flawlessly
46
00:01:43,477 --> 00:01:45,396
and ride that wave till bath time.
47
00:01:45,855 --> 00:01:48,273
But now… It's anybody's guess.
48
00:01:48,357 --> 00:01:49,526
All right, what I am about to say
49
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:50,610
will make you very horny,
50
00:01:50,694 --> 00:01:51,778
but you have to try and remember that
51
00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:52,946
we're still at work.
52
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:54,781
Do you want me to quiz you?
53
00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:56,200
Oh, God, yes.
54
00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:57,910
Wow. Okay, great.
55
00:01:57,994 --> 00:01:59,620
What is my mother's favorite drink?
56
00:01:59,704 --> 00:02:00,788
Red wine over ice.
57
00:02:00,872 --> 00:02:03,083
Just like Diane Keaton,
or so she always says.
58
00:02:03,167 --> 00:02:04,543
Favorite topics of conversation?
59
00:02:04,627 --> 00:02:06,127
Jimmy Carter was underrated. Hmm.
60
00:02:06,211 --> 00:02:07,879
How beautiful some front doors are.
61
00:02:07,963 --> 00:02:09,715
What's Jane Seymour up to?
62
00:02:09,799 --> 00:02:11,008
And how cool is it that the ladies
63
00:02:11,092 --> 00:02:12,260
across the street are lesbians.
64
00:02:12,344 --> 00:02:14,470
Great. Nice work. Topics to avoid.
65
00:02:14,554 --> 00:02:16,640
How my dad left us and ruined our lives,
66
00:02:16,724 --> 00:02:18,684
how my dad got remarried
twice and ruined our lives,
67
00:02:18,768 --> 00:02:19,810
how my dad moved to Canada
68
00:02:19,894 --> 00:02:20,894
and ruined our lives. You know what?
69
00:02:20,978 --> 00:02:22,814
I'm just gonna steer
clear of your dad entirely.
70
00:02:22,898 --> 00:02:25,108
Smart. You're gonna be fine, all right?
71
00:02:25,192 --> 00:02:26,609
She's gonna totally love you.
72
00:02:26,693 --> 00:02:27,778
[INHALES SHARPLY]
73
00:02:28,070 --> 00:02:29,864
Are those her dental records?
74
00:02:30,281 --> 00:02:32,157
Gina, are you excited for our
75
00:02:32,241 --> 00:02:34,285
"Escape the Room" team-building exercise?
76
00:02:34,369 --> 00:02:35,370
I told you, sir,
77
00:02:35,454 --> 00:02:36,496
it would be far more effective
78
00:02:36,580 --> 00:02:37,831
for the squad to go to Vegas,
79
00:02:37,915 --> 00:02:39,541
and you give us each $5,000.
80
00:02:39,625 --> 00:02:41,001
No, I see no value in that.
81
00:02:41,085 --> 00:02:42,169
But nine coworkers
82
00:02:42,253 --> 00:02:43,462
forced to riddle their way free
83
00:02:43,546 --> 00:02:44,755
from a locked room…
84
00:02:44,839 --> 00:02:48,427
I would spend my $5,000 to
buy backstage passes to Britney,
85
00:02:48,803 --> 00:02:50,554
and then I'd ask her one question.
86
00:02:51,597 --> 00:02:53,473
You think you're a better dancer than me?
87
00:02:53,557 --> 00:02:54,809
We are not going to Las Vegas.
88
00:02:54,893 --> 00:02:55,893
We're going to Long Island City
89
00:02:55,977 --> 00:02:57,604
and we will bond meaningfully,
90
00:02:57,688 --> 00:03:00,440
and that is a direct order.
I'll see you at 8:00 tonight.
91
00:03:00,524 --> 00:03:01,859
Tonight? Mmm.
92
00:03:01,943 --> 00:03:04,529
Um… Okay, great.
93
00:03:04,904 --> 00:03:06,280
Jake. Jakester.
94
00:03:06,364 --> 00:03:07,823
Remember when I did not email you
95
00:03:07,907 --> 00:03:09,659
about Captain Holt's Escape
the Room thing tonight?
96
00:03:09,743 --> 00:03:11,161
No, and I can't go.
97
00:03:11,245 --> 00:03:13,330
Amy and I are going to my
mom's house for my birthday.
98
00:03:13,414 --> 00:03:15,458
Adults don't care about their birthdays.
99
00:03:15,583 --> 00:03:17,084
You came to work last year on a horse.
100
00:03:17,168 --> 00:03:18,919
Man, forget you. Where's Charles?
101
00:03:19,003 --> 00:03:20,546
On a stakeout with Rosa and Terry.
102
00:03:20,630 --> 00:03:23,259
Police work?
What a waste of time. [GROANS]
103
00:03:23,426 --> 00:03:26,637
So no Jake, no Amy, no
Charles, no Rosa, no Terry.
104
00:03:27,096 --> 00:03:30,350
That leaves me with… Aah. Ooh!
105
00:03:30,434 --> 00:03:31,852
Aah. Aah.
106
00:03:32,436 --> 00:03:33,979
Oh, dear God.
107
00:03:34,312 --> 00:03:37,733
Okay, this is the block our
boy Tommy Tran does his drops.
108
00:03:37,817 --> 00:03:39,485
Before we do anything else,
109
00:03:39,569 --> 00:03:41,279
are your body cams turned on?
110
00:03:41,363 --> 00:03:43,114
Why are you so obsessed
with these things?
111
00:03:43,198 --> 00:03:45,033
It's like your stupid
babies all over again.
112
00:03:45,117 --> 00:03:48,621
My babies are not stupid.
Cagney can write a lowercase "L."
113
00:03:48,830 --> 00:03:50,039
It's just a line, right?
114
00:03:50,165 --> 00:03:51,166
[GRUNTS]
115
00:03:51,624 --> 00:03:54,753
Look, I worked hard to get us
included in that pilot program.
116
00:03:54,837 --> 00:03:58,340
Body cams are important, and I
need these field tests to go well.
117
00:03:58,632 --> 00:04:00,259
I'm gonna go take my position.
118
00:04:00,802 --> 00:04:03,002
-"Just a straight line." Come on.
-[DOOR OPENS]
119
00:04:03,388 --> 00:04:06,767
SANTIAGO: Unique New York.
Unique New York.
120
00:04:07,184 --> 00:04:09,436
I took a Toastmasters
class to prepare for tonight.
121
00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:10,771
Seriously, it's gonna be fine.
122
00:04:10,855 --> 00:04:12,815
We're just gonna have some
dinner, eat dessert, play charades,
123
00:04:12,899 --> 00:04:15,193
and then talk for half an hour
about which of her friends are sick.
124
00:04:15,277 --> 00:04:16,486
-We're gonna play charades?
-[DOORBELL RINGS]
125
00:04:16,570 --> 00:04:18,822
You wait until T-minus
two seconds to tell me that?
126
00:04:18,906 --> 00:04:21,200
Okay. Movie. Book.
127
00:04:21,284 --> 00:04:22,910
What's the thing for song?
I don't know the thing for song.
128
00:04:22,994 --> 00:04:23,994
[SMOKE ALARM BEEPING]
129
00:04:24,078 --> 00:04:27,124
Hi, birthday boy. Hi.
130
00:04:27,208 --> 00:04:29,418
Mom, is something on fire? Yeah.
131
00:04:30,127 --> 00:04:33,214
Okay. You must be Amy.
132
00:04:34,049 --> 00:04:35,299
Let me take you in.
133
00:04:35,383 --> 00:04:37,010
Okay. Oh.
134
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:40,389
I'll just take in this
gorgeous front door of yours.
135
00:04:40,473 --> 00:04:42,273
Mom, seriously, the fire? It's fine.
136
00:04:42,558 --> 00:04:43,976
Things don't burn down like they used to.
137
00:04:44,060 --> 00:04:45,728
I'm just gonna put it out.
138
00:04:46,103 --> 00:04:48,732
Well, you know, it's good
enough for Diane Keaton.
139
00:04:48,816 --> 00:04:49,983
It's good enough for me.
140
00:04:50,067 --> 00:04:53,070
I love her.
I mean, she's no Jane Seymour.
141
00:04:53,696 --> 00:04:55,614
Where is Jane Seymour now, anyway?
142
00:04:55,698 --> 00:04:58,117
She makes jewelry, and it's beautiful.
143
00:04:58,201 --> 00:05:01,163
I just bought two brooches for
the lesbians across the street.
144
00:05:01,247 --> 00:05:02,372
Mom, I keep telling you,
145
00:05:02,456 --> 00:05:05,125
if you don't rein it in a little
bit, you're gonna scare them off.
146
00:05:05,209 --> 00:05:08,171
Well, that's what you said
about Carla, and I ignored it,
147
00:05:08,255 --> 00:05:10,047
and now I have a friend with one arm.
148
00:05:10,131 --> 00:05:11,674
-I stand corrected.
-[DOORBELL RINGS]
149
00:05:11,758 --> 00:05:14,011
Oh. Must be your birthday surprise.
150
00:05:14,095 --> 00:05:15,513
You got me the '86 Mets?
151
00:05:15,972 --> 00:05:17,848
Be warned, a lot of them
turned out to be drug addicts,
152
00:05:17,932 --> 00:05:19,433
so this could be a bummer.
153
00:05:19,684 --> 00:05:20,727
You ready?
154
00:05:22,980 --> 00:05:24,022
Hey, buddy.
155
00:05:24,606 --> 00:05:25,858
Happy birthday.
156
00:05:26,818 --> 00:05:29,028
Dad? What are you doing here?
157
00:05:29,112 --> 00:05:30,780
I wanted to surprise you.
158
00:05:31,531 --> 00:05:33,533
Yeah, well, I am surprised
159
00:05:33,617 --> 00:05:35,327
that you know it's my birthday.
160
00:05:35,411 --> 00:05:37,288
Actually, Jake…
161
00:05:38,122 --> 00:05:41,793
Your father and I are, uh,
seeing each other again.
162
00:05:42,252 --> 00:05:43,295
Oh!
163
00:05:43,795 --> 00:05:46,674
Wow, that's… That's so interesting.
164
00:05:47,967 --> 00:05:49,260
SANTIAGO: Oh.
165
00:05:53,390 --> 00:05:54,849
SANTIAGO: I know
this isn't the best time,
166
00:05:54,933 --> 00:05:56,267
but we are in your childhood bedroom,
167
00:05:56,351 --> 00:05:57,701
and I do have one question.
168
00:05:59,062 --> 00:06:01,023
Did you have a nose ring in high school?
169
00:06:01,107 --> 00:06:03,860
Yes. Until it got infected
and I almost went blind.
170
00:06:04,027 --> 00:06:05,110
Don't tell anyone.
171
00:06:05,194 --> 00:06:06,822
Cool. It's our secret.
172
00:06:07,781 --> 00:06:09,700
Just gonna check my email up high.
173
00:06:11,285 --> 00:06:13,496
No new messages. Amy, can we focus?
174
00:06:13,788 --> 00:06:16,288
What is going on here?
Why is my dad dating my mom?
175
00:06:16,374 --> 00:06:17,458
What does he want?
176
00:06:17,542 --> 00:06:20,671
Money. But she's a public school art
teacher. That doesn't make any sense.
177
00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:21,797
[SNAPS FINGERS]
178
00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:24,007
Maybe that son of a bitch
wants his picture drawn.
179
00:06:24,091 --> 00:06:25,969
Jake, Karen is a grown woman
180
00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:28,054
with a pretty respectable credit score.
181
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,472
I'm sure she knows what she's doing.
182
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:30,682
Amy, I know that you have a binder,
183
00:06:30,766 --> 00:06:31,850
but you don't know her like I do.
184
00:06:31,934 --> 00:06:33,727
She's too trusting for her own good.
185
00:06:33,811 --> 00:06:35,813
She's fallen for more
Nigerian scams than Scully.
186
00:06:35,897 --> 00:06:38,066
She's fallen for 20 Nigerian scams?
187
00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:41,027
Twenty? That's insane.
188
00:06:41,111 --> 00:06:43,655
No, she's fallen for two.
Scully's fallen for 20?
189
00:06:43,739 --> 00:06:44,823
Yeah.
190
00:06:44,907 --> 00:06:47,159
Look, all right, you know what?
This is fine.
191
00:06:47,243 --> 00:06:50,329
It's just the same that it's always been.
I have to protect her.
192
00:06:50,413 --> 00:06:53,166
I'm gonna go down there, and I'm
going to express my concerns to her
193
00:06:53,250 --> 00:06:55,169
in a calm, rational manner.
194
00:06:55,419 --> 00:06:58,547
What are you doing, Mom? He's evil!
195
00:06:59,383 --> 00:07:01,384
[GRAVELLY VOICE] I'm
glad we got these sweet cams.
196
00:07:01,468 --> 00:07:02,552
What is happening with your voice?
197
00:07:02,636 --> 00:07:06,098
This is Body Cam Charles.
I gotta sound badass
198
00:07:06,182 --> 00:07:08,601
in case anybody watches
the footage, capisce?
199
00:07:08,768 --> 00:07:09,769
[GROANS]
200
00:07:09,978 --> 00:07:11,854
[NORMAL VOICE] Oh, I
just spilled soup on the cam!
201
00:07:11,938 --> 00:07:13,648
Why do you have soup on a stakeout?
202
00:07:13,732 --> 00:07:15,109
Oh, no. Crap!
203
00:07:15,651 --> 00:07:16,943
Oh, it's not turning back on.
204
00:07:17,027 --> 00:07:18,361
Do you think Sarge is gonna be mad
205
00:07:18,445 --> 00:07:20,031
that I spilled pho on the cam?
206
00:07:20,115 --> 00:07:22,366
He definitely will if you say
"pho" like that when you tell him.
207
00:07:22,450 --> 00:07:23,576
I'm not gonna mispronounce it.
208
00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:24,869
Not while you're rolling.
209
00:07:24,953 --> 00:07:25,954
Go get yourself cleaned up.
210
00:07:26,038 --> 00:07:27,164
[GROANS]
211
00:07:28,416 --> 00:07:30,000
-DIAZ [ON RADIO]: See anything, Sarge?
-Not yet.
212
00:07:30,084 --> 00:07:32,754
Don't know why I didn't go
undercover as someone wearing a scarf.
213
00:07:32,838 --> 00:07:34,381
Terry hates windchill.
214
00:07:35,132 --> 00:07:37,134
Wait, here's our guy. Got him.
215
00:07:38,301 --> 00:07:40,013
Crap. I think he made me.
216
00:07:41,597 --> 00:07:42,890
He's headed toward the restaurant!
217
00:07:42,974 --> 00:07:44,874
You follow. I'll cover the back alley!
218
00:07:47,855 --> 00:07:49,505
-[TIRES SCREECHING]
-[HORN HONKING]
219
00:07:52,569 --> 00:07:54,269
BOYLE: Someone's in here! [GRUNTS]
220
00:07:56,156 --> 00:07:57,365
[GRUNTS]
221
00:07:58,909 --> 00:08:00,870
BOYLE: Rosa? Charles.
222
00:08:01,996 --> 00:08:03,196
You're completely naked.
223
00:08:06,334 --> 00:08:08,086
You have the right to remain silent.
224
00:08:08,170 --> 00:08:09,870
You have the right to an attorney.
225
00:08:10,547 --> 00:08:11,549
[SIGHS]
226
00:08:12,258 --> 00:08:13,842
Where is everyone, Gina?
227
00:08:13,926 --> 00:08:16,261
Perhaps that's tonight's first puzzle.
228
00:08:16,345 --> 00:08:17,889
I forgot to send the invitations.
229
00:08:17,973 --> 00:08:21,685
But I was able to rally the best
and brightest of those available.
230
00:08:22,144 --> 00:08:23,144
[PANTS]
231
00:08:23,228 --> 00:08:24,270
Oh, dear God.
232
00:08:24,354 --> 00:08:25,481
Sorry we're late.
233
00:08:25,565 --> 00:08:27,358
Turns out the front door
was a push, not a pull.
234
00:08:27,442 --> 00:08:28,693
Well, maybe we should just reschedule.
235
00:08:28,777 --> 00:08:29,778
[ALARM BLARES]
236
00:08:31,572 --> 00:08:33,991
MAN [ON SPEAKER]: You have
three hours to find the four keys
237
00:08:34,075 --> 00:08:35,492
that will prevent the apocalypse
238
00:08:35,576 --> 00:08:36,910
and release you from this room.
239
00:08:36,994 --> 00:08:38,413
Your time starts now.
240
00:08:39,039 --> 00:08:41,374
Well, this is a sobering reality.
241
00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:45,462
Okay, I got your favorite cake.
242
00:08:45,546 --> 00:08:47,465
Blue. I'm not hungry.
243
00:08:47,924 --> 00:08:50,592
It's a figure of speech.
Obviously I'll have some.
244
00:08:50,676 --> 00:08:52,846
KAREN: You know, I
don't think our guest Amy
245
00:08:52,930 --> 00:08:55,098
really wants to talk about this, Jake.
246
00:08:55,182 --> 00:08:56,599
Can we just move on?
247
00:08:56,683 --> 00:09:00,271
Yes. Maybe we could talk
about someone we all admire,
248
00:09:00,355 --> 00:09:03,441
President Jimmy Carter.
When I think of the great…
249
00:09:03,525 --> 00:09:05,361
So, how serious is it, hmm?
250
00:09:05,736 --> 00:09:07,863
Have you guys kissed?
Has he stayed the night?
251
00:09:07,947 --> 00:09:10,282
Has he brought you a
chocolate orange from the airport?
252
00:09:10,366 --> 00:09:11,659
'Cause that's his big move.
253
00:09:11,743 --> 00:09:12,869
Jake, your mother and I have been
254
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:14,620
seeing each other for three months.
255
00:09:14,704 --> 00:09:17,290
Oh, you know what?
I ought to throw up in your face.
256
00:09:17,375 --> 00:09:20,127
I know that you're angry,
257
00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:21,795
but when I was here last year,
258
00:09:21,879 --> 00:09:24,799
you really showed me
what a selfish jerk I was.
259
00:09:24,883 --> 00:09:27,469
You're the reason that
all of this is happening.
260
00:09:27,553 --> 00:09:29,554
Yeah, but I didn't want this.
261
00:09:29,638 --> 00:09:32,516
I just wanted you to text me a
dumb dad joke every six months.
262
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:33,934
I can do that. Just give me your number.
263
00:09:34,018 --> 00:09:35,561
You didn't save my number?
264
00:09:35,645 --> 00:09:36,979
KAREN: Now, Jake, look. [SCOFFS]
265
00:09:37,063 --> 00:09:39,232
I know every mistake
your father has made,
266
00:09:39,316 --> 00:09:41,569
and he says they're all in the past.
267
00:09:42,194 --> 00:09:44,072
Now just blow out your candles.
268
00:09:45,532 --> 00:09:47,409
Okay, great. Great idea, Mom.
269
00:09:47,742 --> 00:09:50,413
I'll blow out my birthday candles.
270
00:09:50,663 --> 00:09:52,039
[INHALES DEEPLY]
271
00:09:54,750 --> 00:09:56,627
I wished that you would leave.
272
00:09:57,754 --> 00:10:00,048
Damn it, I shouldn't have said that aloud.
Now it won't come true.
273
00:10:00,132 --> 00:10:04,178
Okay, we have maps,
a pantry, beds, a desk.
274
00:10:04,262 --> 00:10:05,362
Where should we begin?
275
00:10:05,930 --> 00:10:07,348
Do you have any experience with puzzles?
276
00:10:07,432 --> 00:10:09,559
Yes. I've never solved one.
277
00:10:09,767 --> 00:10:11,467
This says we have three questions.
278
00:10:12,229 --> 00:10:13,230
-No.
-GINA: Uh-oh.
279
00:10:13,314 --> 00:10:14,856
-How do we get out of here?
-WOMAN: Can't tell you.
280
00:10:14,940 --> 00:10:16,024
-HITCHCOCK: Really?
-Yes.
281
00:10:16,108 --> 00:10:17,402
HOLT: That's enough!
282
00:10:18,153 --> 00:10:20,863
Sorry about that.
Uh, can we please have our questions back?
283
00:10:20,947 --> 00:10:22,449
WOMAN: No. And that's three.
284
00:10:23,116 --> 00:10:24,327
You're done. [BEEPS]
285
00:10:24,952 --> 00:10:26,621
Oh, Captain, how could you?
286
00:10:27,371 --> 00:10:28,372
[DOOR OPENS]
287
00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:29,540
Hey.
288
00:10:29,832 --> 00:10:31,376
You didn't come back down.
289
00:10:31,627 --> 00:10:33,962
I had to talk to your
parents for, like, an hour,
290
00:10:34,046 --> 00:10:35,839
and I ran out of stuff from the binder,
291
00:10:35,923 --> 00:10:37,823
and then I did something really weird.
292
00:10:38,051 --> 00:10:42,180
♪ The itsy bitsy spider
went up the water spout ♪
293
00:10:42,388 --> 00:10:43,682
♪ Down came… ♪
294
00:10:43,849 --> 00:10:46,685
So, do you know where
the nearest train station is?
295
00:10:47,144 --> 00:10:50,273
I know it sucks that I did
that, but think about how I feel.
296
00:10:50,565 --> 00:10:52,733
My stupid parents are borking each other.
297
00:10:52,817 --> 00:10:55,528
And my mom thinks she knows
all the worst things that my dad did,
298
00:10:55,612 --> 00:10:56,738
but she has no idea.
299
00:10:56,822 --> 00:10:58,490
She doesn't even know
that he cheated on her
300
00:10:58,574 --> 00:11:00,450
with her best friend, Sheila Bodden.
301
00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:01,577
Oh, my God.
302
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:02,703
Yeah, I saw them.
303
00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:05,666
They were in our car in
the garage having sex.
304
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,668
It's the whole reason I can't
have sex in cars in garages.
305
00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,921
That's a very specific sexual hang-up.
306
00:11:11,005 --> 00:11:13,132
I mean, has it really held you back?
307
00:11:13,216 --> 00:11:15,926
Well, are we having sex in
a car in a garage right now?
308
00:11:16,010 --> 00:11:18,060
No. So, yeah, big time it's held me back.
309
00:11:18,264 --> 00:11:19,264
I never told her about it
310
00:11:19,348 --> 00:11:22,017
'cause I didn't want
to crush her heart, but…
311
00:11:22,184 --> 00:11:23,687
Now I have to use it.
312
00:11:24,020 --> 00:11:26,564
I'm gonna tell my dad, if he
doesn't do the decent thing
313
00:11:26,648 --> 00:11:28,066
and leave my mom again…
314
00:11:28,817 --> 00:11:30,569
I'm dropping the Sheila bomb.
315
00:11:31,237 --> 00:11:32,238
Whoa.
316
00:11:33,239 --> 00:11:34,615
I know this is a really big deal,
317
00:11:34,699 --> 00:11:36,159
but I have to ask.
318
00:11:36,576 --> 00:11:38,077
Did you wear this hat in high school?
319
00:11:38,161 --> 00:11:39,204
Amy!
320
00:11:41,415 --> 00:11:43,000
PERALTA: There's only one
way I'm gonna get my dad alone.
321
00:11:43,084 --> 00:11:45,502
You have to tell my mom that you
need to speak with her in private.
322
00:11:45,586 --> 00:11:47,171
About what? I barely know her.
323
00:11:47,255 --> 00:11:48,256
Uh…
324
00:11:48,381 --> 00:11:50,008
Tell her you're plugged
up and you need a laxative.
325
00:11:50,092 --> 00:11:52,594
What? No! What? I'm not gonna say that.
326
00:11:52,678 --> 00:11:55,472
Okay, here's the plan.
I'll drop the bomb during charades.
327
00:11:55,556 --> 00:11:58,810
I'll just tell him I know about Sheila..
. With my body.
328
00:11:59,394 --> 00:12:00,687
ROGER: Um…
329
00:12:00,895 --> 00:12:03,441
Fast. Uh, Fast and Furious? [CHUCKLES]
330
00:12:04,191 --> 00:12:05,401
Magic Mike?
331
00:12:06,652 --> 00:12:07,861
I don't know.
332
00:12:07,945 --> 00:12:08,947
Uh, Crying Game?
333
00:12:09,364 --> 00:12:10,406
-I don't know.
-KAREN: Time.
334
00:12:10,490 --> 00:12:11,491
[GROANS]
335
00:12:14,119 --> 00:12:15,119
BOTH: Oh!
336
00:12:15,203 --> 00:12:16,497
[STUTTERS] I didn't… No, no, no.
337
00:12:16,581 --> 00:12:18,040
[STUTTERS] It's fine… Now I'm…
338
00:12:18,124 --> 00:12:19,917
Uh, right, why would you be?
339
00:12:20,126 --> 00:12:21,418
Yeah, it's not like I'm always, uh…
340
00:12:21,502 --> 00:12:22,602
-Naked.
-[EXHALES] Yeah.
341
00:12:24,173 --> 00:12:26,466
Look, man, no one's ever
gonna see that footage.
342
00:12:26,550 --> 00:12:27,926
The case was cut and dried.
343
00:12:28,218 --> 00:12:29,845
It's not like I'm dying to
tell anyone I saw your…
344
00:12:29,929 --> 00:12:31,222
"Bennie and the Jets." [CHUCKLES]
345
00:12:31,306 --> 00:12:32,848
Sure. Whatever.
346
00:12:32,932 --> 00:12:34,809
JEFFORDS: Hey, I've
been looking for you guys.
347
00:12:34,893 --> 00:12:36,561
I just talked to our perp's attorney.
348
00:12:36,645 --> 00:12:40,065
He's claiming the drugs you
seized in the bathroom weren't his.
349
00:12:40,149 --> 00:12:42,986
What?
But we saw him throw them in the garbage.
350
00:12:43,070 --> 00:12:45,697
Yeah.
Normally, it'd be your word against his.
351
00:12:45,781 --> 00:12:48,576
But lucky for us, you were
wearing body cams! [CHUCKLES]
352
00:12:48,868 --> 00:12:50,786
Yeah, but the thing about cameras
353
00:12:50,870 --> 00:12:53,747
is that they don't really
tell the full objective truth.
354
00:12:53,831 --> 00:12:56,502
Images can be distorted.
People often seem naked.
355
00:12:56,794 --> 00:12:58,253
Boyle, what are you talking about?
356
00:12:58,337 --> 00:13:00,171
Boyle is fully nude in the footage.
357
00:13:00,255 --> 00:13:01,591
[SHOUTS] Why?
358
00:13:03,093 --> 00:13:04,927
The whole thing? [CLEARS THROAT]
359
00:13:05,011 --> 00:13:06,053
No, no, no. Not the whole thing.
360
00:13:06,137 --> 00:13:07,221
Okay. [PANTING]
361
00:13:07,305 --> 00:13:09,766
It doesn't matter how much humping I do.
He's still not getting it.
362
00:13:09,850 --> 00:13:11,476
-[KAREN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
-Okay.
363
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,938
-[KAREN LAUGHS]
-Well, then this is happening.
364
00:13:17,234 --> 00:13:19,110
Hey, Karen, can I talk to
you for a second in private?
365
00:13:19,194 --> 00:13:20,394
I'm a little plugged up.
366
00:13:21,071 --> 00:13:26,494
Oh, well, say no more. I have an
entire cabinet devoted just to that.
367
00:13:26,744 --> 00:13:29,581
Wow. TMI, you guys. [LAUGHS]
368
00:13:29,706 --> 00:13:30,916
[MOUTHING] Thank you.
369
00:13:31,458 --> 00:13:33,210
Oh, man, this is so much fun.
370
00:13:34,002 --> 00:13:36,965
Thanks for giving me a
second chance, buddy.
371
00:13:37,090 --> 00:13:38,382
Second chance?
372
00:13:38,466 --> 00:13:41,511
Are you seriously not getting
what I'm charades-ing down at you?
373
00:13:41,595 --> 00:13:43,472
That was you and Sheila Bodden
374
00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:45,015
humping it up in the back of our car.
375
00:13:45,099 --> 00:13:46,391
What? I… Yeah, that's right.
376
00:13:46,475 --> 00:13:48,811
I saw you. I saw your weird dad butt,
377
00:13:48,895 --> 00:13:50,521
and I saw her aquamarine leotard
378
00:13:50,605 --> 00:13:51,647
bunched up around her ankles.
379
00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:53,149
It scarred me for life. I'm sorry.
380
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:54,526
I didn't know you saw that.
381
00:13:54,610 --> 00:13:56,779
Yeah, well, I did, and I
never told Mom about it,
382
00:13:56,863 --> 00:13:59,531
but I swear to you, I will,
unless you leave right now.
383
00:13:59,615 --> 00:14:01,743
Should be easy for you since
it's your favorite thing to do
384
00:14:01,827 --> 00:14:03,677
aside from humping it up with ladies.
385
00:14:04,121 --> 00:14:07,165
You think I'm way more
sexually active than I am.
386
00:14:07,249 --> 00:14:09,668
I mean, I've only had
sex with, like, 400 women.
387
00:14:09,752 --> 00:14:12,254
What? 400? Oh, my God.
388
00:14:12,338 --> 00:14:14,674
Is that a lot?
I mean, all my friends are pilots.
389
00:14:14,758 --> 00:14:16,427
I'm on the low end of average.
390
00:14:16,552 --> 00:14:19,346
Ugh. Listen.
I don't want to hurt your mother.
391
00:14:19,430 --> 00:14:22,600
Please don't tell her about Sheila.
392
00:14:22,684 --> 00:14:23,684
Fine,
393
00:14:23,768 --> 00:14:26,730
I won't, provided you leave right now.
394
00:14:28,316 --> 00:14:30,651
Your move, white devil.
395
00:14:31,277 --> 00:14:34,615
So, if I'm correct, this should contain…
396
00:14:35,616 --> 00:14:36,866
Key number one!
397
00:14:36,950 --> 00:14:38,701
Yay. Open the door.
398
00:14:38,785 --> 00:14:40,120
We need to find four keys.
399
00:14:40,204 --> 00:14:42,039
And it took half our
time just to find this one
400
00:14:42,123 --> 00:14:43,874
because I had to do it completely alone.
401
00:14:43,958 --> 00:14:44,959
You're all useless.
402
00:14:45,043 --> 00:14:46,877
GINA: Sorry. I've been a little busy
403
00:14:46,961 --> 00:14:50,799
trying to solve the puzzle of
how does one man chew so loud
404
00:14:50,883 --> 00:14:52,467
-with just one mouth.
-[THUD]
405
00:14:52,551 --> 00:14:53,552
Sorry.
406
00:14:53,636 --> 00:14:55,680
Could you stop kicking that
thing for one minute, Hitchcock?
407
00:14:55,764 --> 00:14:57,098
The TV's being a dick.
408
00:14:57,182 --> 00:14:58,516
You got to turn it, like, four times
409
00:14:58,600 --> 00:14:59,976
just to change the damn channel.
410
00:15:00,060 --> 00:15:01,395
Four times?
411
00:15:04,315 --> 00:15:05,816
Try turning it to
412
00:15:06,150 --> 00:15:08,486
22, 18, 81, 17.
413
00:15:08,570 --> 00:15:10,370
The coordinates for the Bay of Pigs.
414
00:15:11,031 --> 00:15:12,032
[KNOB CLICKING]
415
00:15:13,158 --> 00:15:14,494
And the military…
416
00:15:15,036 --> 00:15:16,745
HITCHCOCK: Nice job. You broke the TV.
417
00:15:16,829 --> 00:15:19,665
No, I found another key, you dolt.
418
00:15:19,749 --> 00:15:21,835
So one was in a knight,
419
00:15:21,919 --> 00:15:25,214
the basketball teams were
the Mustangs and Stallions.
420
00:15:25,714 --> 00:15:28,718
We only need two more keys.
This just might work out after all.
421
00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:32,430
You're damn right it will,
'cause we're a ragtag, scrappity,
422
00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:36,060
fart-dumb, moron parade, smart-ass team!
423
00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:39,271
Okay, we're all good.
424
00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:41,191
Raw garlic. Cures everything.
425
00:15:41,567 --> 00:15:43,694
It sure does, and it's so delicious.
426
00:15:44,278 --> 00:15:46,446
Uh… Where's your father?
427
00:15:47,115 --> 00:15:50,701
Oh, Roger, you mean?
He left very suddenly.
428
00:15:50,785 --> 00:15:53,122
Said something about being the worst.
429
00:15:53,872 --> 00:15:55,123
What did you say to him, Jake?
430
00:15:55,207 --> 00:15:56,791
What?
Why do you assume that I said something?
431
00:15:56,875 --> 00:15:59,795
He's a leaving jerk, so he left
like a jerk. This is what he does.
432
00:15:59,879 --> 00:16:01,255
He's not a monster. Yeah, well,
433
00:16:01,339 --> 00:16:03,132
you wouldn't say that if you
knew everything that he's done.
434
00:16:03,216 --> 00:16:04,425
What did he do, Jake?
435
00:16:04,509 --> 00:16:08,431
Nothing. You know, just, like,
super-awful life-changing things.
436
00:16:08,598 --> 00:16:09,681
No follow-up questions.
437
00:16:09,765 --> 00:16:12,815
Is it worse than the time he
cheated on me with Sheila Bodden?
438
00:16:13,478 --> 00:16:14,479
Ah.
439
00:16:14,563 --> 00:16:15,688
You knew about that?
440
00:16:15,772 --> 00:16:18,066
Yeah. I knew about that.
441
00:16:21,446 --> 00:16:24,156
♪ The itsy bitsy spider ♪
442
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,327
♪ Went up the water spout ♪
443
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:30,020
I can't believe you knew about Sheila.
444
00:16:31,415 --> 00:16:33,501
I also knew about Wendy.
445
00:16:33,585 --> 00:16:34,627
And Bonnie.
446
00:16:34,711 --> 00:16:35,962
Bonnie who wears a wig?
447
00:16:36,046 --> 00:16:39,215
She left it in our bathroom.
That's how I found out.
448
00:16:39,884 --> 00:16:42,678
And also, remember your
turtle, Graham Crackers?
449
00:16:42,762 --> 00:16:44,429
Dad had sex with my turtle?
450
00:16:44,513 --> 00:16:47,392
No, no, no, but he stepped
on it getting out of bed.
451
00:16:47,476 --> 00:16:49,185
But you said Graham Crackers got married
452
00:16:49,269 --> 00:16:50,619
and moved in with his wife.
453
00:16:50,729 --> 00:16:53,107
How did I not know any of this stuff?
454
00:16:53,191 --> 00:16:55,401
Well, because you were a kid,
455
00:16:55,568 --> 00:16:58,738
and kids don't actually
know a lot about their parents.
456
00:16:59,114 --> 00:17:00,240
Jake,
457
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,994
I've dated a lot of men
in the last 20 years.
458
00:17:04,286 --> 00:17:06,163
You have? A lot.
459
00:17:06,247 --> 00:17:08,082
Okay, you don't have to
put so much mustard on it.
460
00:17:08,166 --> 00:17:11,670
And I haven't met anyone I like.
But I like your father.
461
00:17:12,212 --> 00:17:16,217
And I know he has been a selfish
jerk, but he really has changed.
462
00:17:16,550 --> 00:17:18,385
Last month when I had bronchitis,
463
00:17:18,469 --> 00:17:21,807
he flew in on his day
off just to bring me soup.
464
00:17:22,808 --> 00:17:25,310
It was this weird Canadian soup.
465
00:17:25,394 --> 00:17:27,814
I think it was just all cheese.
466
00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:30,108
But it was really nice.
467
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,569
[SIGHS] Man, I feel stupid.
468
00:17:32,653 --> 00:17:33,903
I was just trying to protect you,
469
00:17:33,987 --> 00:17:35,572
but I clearly made everything worse.
470
00:17:35,656 --> 00:17:38,618
You have been protecting
me since you were a kid.
471
00:17:39,828 --> 00:17:43,080
Sometimes I think you got so good at it,
472
00:17:43,164 --> 00:17:45,835
you decided to become a
cop and protect everyone.
473
00:17:46,001 --> 00:17:49,251
Oh, that's a cool thought, but I
became a cop because of Die Hard.
474
00:17:49,964 --> 00:17:52,217
I love you. I love you, too, Mom.
475
00:17:52,843 --> 00:17:54,010
Come here.
476
00:17:55,846 --> 00:17:56,847
[SIGHS]
477
00:17:57,139 --> 00:17:58,474
You know, I'm probably remembering
478
00:17:58,558 --> 00:18:00,643
a lot more nakedness
than there actually was.
479
00:18:00,727 --> 00:18:01,769
No, you're not.
480
00:18:01,853 --> 00:18:04,480
Also, no one's gonna
see it on that little TV.
481
00:18:05,023 --> 00:18:06,107
Great news.
482
00:18:06,191 --> 00:18:09,611
We were able to snag the new flat screen.
4K, baby!
483
00:18:09,695 --> 00:18:13,866
Your Honor, Mr. Tran claims
that he had no narcotics on him.
484
00:18:13,950 --> 00:18:16,953
Fortunately, our detectives
were equipped with body cams.
485
00:18:18,706 --> 00:18:20,415
-BOYLE: Someone's in here!
-[DOOR OPENS]
486
00:18:20,499 --> 00:18:21,500
[THUD]
487
00:18:22,126 --> 00:18:23,127
[ALL GROANING]
488
00:18:24,086 --> 00:18:27,423
I think we all clearly saw where
Mr. Tran threw the drugs in the trash
489
00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:29,008
right before he was apprehended.
490
00:18:29,092 --> 00:18:30,802
-At least it's over now.
-CELINE: Really?
491
00:18:30,886 --> 00:18:33,222
How do we know those were drugs?
Please back that tape up.
492
00:18:33,306 --> 00:18:34,473
No! Objection.
493
00:18:34,557 --> 00:18:36,934
On what grounds? That's my penis?
494
00:18:37,101 --> 00:18:38,228
Overruled.
495
00:18:38,896 --> 00:18:41,398
Hey, man, look at that
and tell me what you see.
496
00:18:41,690 --> 00:18:42,982
BOYLE: A naked fool.
497
00:18:43,066 --> 00:18:45,111
No. Between the thighs
498
00:18:45,195 --> 00:18:48,239
and under the testicles,
there's a bag of cocaine.
499
00:18:48,406 --> 00:18:50,866
A bag of cocaine that's
gonna get us a conviction
500
00:18:50,950 --> 00:18:52,787
and prove the value of body cams.
501
00:18:53,370 --> 00:18:55,623
You know what I see? A naked hero.
502
00:18:55,873 --> 00:18:58,000
You're right, Sarge. Thank you.
503
00:18:58,084 --> 00:18:59,168
CARL: Now let's zoom in.
504
00:18:59,252 --> 00:19:00,253
[ALL GROAN]
505
00:19:00,420 --> 00:19:01,421
Whoop! Over-zoomed.
506
00:19:02,339 --> 00:19:05,801
Well, well, well.
Look who's trying to skip town.
507
00:19:05,885 --> 00:19:06,886
You told me to.
508
00:19:07,345 --> 00:19:08,429
Right.
509
00:19:08,846 --> 00:19:12,476
Look, I talked to Mom, and
I just want her to be happy.
510
00:19:13,894 --> 00:19:15,994
So can we go back to
my birthday party now?
511
00:19:16,104 --> 00:19:17,816
I'd love that, son.
512
00:19:20,276 --> 00:19:21,569
This is nice.
513
00:19:21,778 --> 00:19:23,863
[WHISPERS] If you screw
this up and hurt her in any way,
514
00:19:23,947 --> 00:19:25,782
I will throw you in jail
for the rest of your life,
515
00:19:25,866 --> 00:19:28,452
and I can do that now,
Dad, so do not test me.
516
00:19:29,203 --> 00:19:30,353
[PERALTA CLEARS THROAT]
517
00:19:30,621 --> 00:19:31,748
Okay.
518
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:37,050
I still liked the hug, even
though you used it to threaten me.
519
00:19:37,254 --> 00:19:38,464
Yeah, well…
520
00:19:39,340 --> 00:19:41,676
I kind of liked threatening you, so…
521
00:19:42,510 --> 00:19:43,594
Come on.
522
00:19:44,763 --> 00:19:48,475
Okay, so we found key
number three, thanks to Scully.
523
00:19:48,559 --> 00:19:50,059
I was gonna eat those peaches anyway.
524
00:19:50,143 --> 00:19:51,771
That leaves just one more key.
525
00:19:51,855 --> 00:19:54,607
Team, what in this room is
speaking to you right now?
526
00:19:54,691 --> 00:19:56,609
Um, I'm intrigued by the phone.
527
00:19:56,943 --> 00:19:59,029
It looks like it would be
fun to call a friend on it
528
00:19:59,113 --> 00:20:01,364
and talk about a third
friend behind their back.
529
00:20:01,448 --> 00:20:02,533
Interesting.
530
00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:07,288
The dial tone's not steady.
531
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:08,372
I think it's Morse code.
532
00:20:08,456 --> 00:20:09,457
I know Morse code!
533
00:20:10,292 --> 00:20:12,211
My dad was a prisoner of war in Korea,
534
00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:14,213
-and I could only talk to him…
-GINA: Shut up.
535
00:20:14,297 --> 00:20:16,549
Who cares? Just decode the message.
536
00:20:17,634 --> 00:20:18,886
It's a phone number.
537
00:20:23,641 --> 00:20:24,642
SCULLY: Oh!
538
00:20:27,312 --> 00:20:28,605
Booyakasha.
539
00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:30,566
Ready?
540
00:20:32,359 --> 00:20:37,114
One, two, three, four.
541
00:20:37,198 --> 00:20:38,783
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING]
542
00:20:44,248 --> 00:20:45,582
Congratulations. We did it.
543
00:20:45,666 --> 00:20:48,002
And we did it together
because we're a team.
544
00:20:48,210 --> 00:20:50,060
Should we do it again next week, sir?
545
00:20:50,297 --> 00:20:51,757
No. I would hate that.
546
00:20:53,717 --> 00:20:54,843
[SIGHS] Hey, honey.
547
00:20:55,177 --> 00:20:56,554
Thanks for bringing Roger back.
548
00:20:56,638 --> 00:20:57,847
You're very welcome.
549
00:20:58,056 --> 00:20:59,348
Hey, by the way,
550
00:20:59,432 --> 00:21:00,975
Amy was really nervous to meet you,
551
00:21:01,059 --> 00:21:02,059
so don't judge her too harshly
552
00:21:02,143 --> 00:21:03,144
for all the weird singing.
553
00:21:03,228 --> 00:21:06,106
Oh, no.
I'm dating my son-of-a-bitch ex-husband.
554
00:21:06,190 --> 00:21:07,566
Who am I to judge?
555
00:21:08,901 --> 00:21:10,528
I think she's really great.
556
00:21:10,612 --> 00:21:11,779
-[CHUCKLES]
-[WINDOW ROLLS DOWN]
557
00:21:11,863 --> 00:21:13,531
I think you're really great, too!
558
00:21:14,199 --> 00:21:15,867
She's very good at lip reading.
559
00:21:15,992 --> 00:21:17,452
I wouldn't say I'm very good.
560
00:21:17,536 --> 00:21:20,581
I mean, deaf people,
they're the real talents.
561
00:21:21,374 --> 00:21:22,375
Just can't stop.
562
00:21:22,708 --> 00:21:25,058
I'll let you guys talk.
I'll just close my eyes.
41513
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