All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine-Nine.S03E08.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cluck, cluck! Gobble, gobble!

Guess who just came from the
PS 321 Thanksgiving Parade?

Charles, you actually might…

Who's Charles? I'm Tommy Gobbler,

and I'm stuffed with
Thanksgiving happiness!

Gobble, gobble!

Seriously, Charles… Uh-uh, I warned you!

I'm Tommy Gobbler, you silly pilgrim.

Okay, Tommy Gobbler. There you go!

These are the Davidsons.

They want to know what happened
to their missing grandmother.

I have some deeply tragic news for you.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Listen up. Diaz and I are going to Rikers

to interview a guy we think has info

on the Douglass Street murders.

Also, IT says the Internet is down.

What? No!

I had just clicked a link that said

"Balloon Boy Grew Up Hot."

Now I will never see those pictures.

Can't you just use the
Internet on your phone?

Bitch, you know I'm out of data.

Jake, can I speak to you for a minute?
In private.

Ooh, someone's in trouble.

It's me. I don't know why I did that.

So, Sharon will be here in an hour.

We're driving up to
the Berkshires to spend

one last weekend alone
before the baby comes.

Yeah! Somebody's gonna get it!

She's 37-weeks pregnant, man.
We're gonna eat pie in bed.

Yeah. I just wanted to ask…

If Sharon gets here
before I'm back from Rikers,

can you make sure she's comfortable?

And also, um…

Keep Captain Holt away from her.

Really? Why?

He's always weird around
her and it stresses her out.

She says he reminds her of those

judgmental trees from Lord of the Rings.

[SCOFFS] They're called Ents.
Get a life, dweeb.

I don't care. Okay.

Can you handle it?

Yes, I can totally handle it.

I will take care of Sharon.

As long as she's carrying
my godchild inside of her,

I am her god-husband. She is my god-wife.

And I will god-love her forever.
Come on, man.

Don't say stuff like that.

Which part? All of it?

I'm going to assume it's all of it,

and just make my exeunt.

Okay. Don't hurt me.

Happy Thanksgiving, sir.

This year, I'm more thankful than
ever to have you as my captain.

And I'm thankful for
the low price of gasoline.

And I'm thankful for the friendship…

I think there's been a misunderstanding.

There's no time for
everyone to have a turn.

But I'm the only one that didn't get to..
. Boyle.

Now, with the Internet being down,

we'll have to do all
the paperwork by hand.

Would you two be okay
with staying late tonight?

Well, I was gonna slow-cook a goose,

but I guess I could normal-cook her.

Great.
The bullpen is getting overcrowded,

and I don't want the
situation to deteriorate.

I'm sorry if this ruins your holiday.

Nonsense.

I'm thankful that you trust us
with such an important task.

And I am thankful to have
such a dedicated employee.

And I'm thankful… Dismissed.

Yep.

Hey, Gina.

I need a top-secret favor.

Sharon is coming to the
precinct and I need your help.

Uh, it better not be pregnancy-related,
'cause that crap is nasty.

The miracle of life?

Dress it up however you want,

that's some disgusting
animal kingdom nonsense.

Okay, don't worry about Sharon.

I'll take care of her.
I've got everything she needs.

Pillow, blanket,

copy of Breast-Feeders magazine…

Which, now that I say it out
loud, sounds like porn. Yep, it is.

So what do you need me for?

Keeping Captain Holt away from her.

Terry says he gets very
awkward near Sharon.

Hmm. That's one way to put it.

Ah, Sharon, nice to see you.

You look so big. Like a mighty truck.

I can help you avoid Captain Holt.

I'll keep you apprised of
his location at all times.

Gina. Peralta. He's behind me.

Yeah.

[THUDDING]

I love paperwork, but this is crazy.

There isn't even time to savor it.

Charles, you're going so fast.

I don't have a choice. We can't
let this place fill up with perps.

Yeah, but you're gonna cramp.

[CHUCKLING] Are you kidding, baby?

I've been cramping
for the past 20 minutes.

I'm so attracted to you right now.

[ELEVATOR DOOR PINGS]

Sharon.

Mrs. Sarge, how are you?

Very pregnant. Is Terry back yet?

Not yet, but he will be back any minute,

and in the meantime,
I will take great care

of my godchild and my god-wife.

Oh, yes. Terry did tell me that
you might be calling me that.

Aw, you guys talk about me?

HOLT: Sharon!

Hello. Oh, Raymond. Hi.

Um, Captain, I need you
to sign this here and here.

Excuse me, everyone.
We got to keep this area clear.

If you could all proceed in a
wall-like fashion to the briefing room.

Oh, oh, oh. That's it.

Also, right here and here.
Human blockade style.

And here, and here, and here.

Give me one second, Gina, I
just want to say hi to Sharon.

Just, um… Sharon is gone.

Gina…

Is also gone.

Well, Sharon is happy,

and Captain Holt has
no idea where she is.

Damn, we are good at
stashing pregnant ladies.

[GRUNTS] Guys?

My water just broke.

Don't worry about that,
we'll just get you another one.

Oh, you mean your body water!

That's much worse.

Okay, Terry.

I love you. Just hurry back.

I love you too, baby. Put Jake on, okay?

Hey there, Sarge.
Everything is totally under control.

As you know, her water broke and
she's had a couple of contractions.

And…
Hey, Sharon, how are you doing vaginally?

What? Don't ask her that! Okay.

Jake, all you have to do
is keep her comfortable.

I'm on my way. Okay, sounds good.

And do you want to just
meet us at the hospital or…

-No hospital!
-JEFFORDS: No hospital!

Okay. Got it. Got it.
Cool, cool, cool. No hospital.

I am picking up what
you're screaming down.

We had a terrible experience
when Cagney and Lacey were born.

Last time we went to the hospital,

they pushed me to have a C-section,

didn't have enough rooms,

and the anesthesiologist
was a med student

who stabbed me in the spinal cord

10 times before he got it right!

See? Needles in your spine?

Childbirth is a horror movie.

That is not helping.

Jake, there's a copy of
our birth plan on my desk.

Call the doula.

Copy that. I will call the doula.

Which is a thing that I
definitely know what it is.

A doula is someone who supports you

emotionally and physically and
coaches you through the process.

Oh, I see.
So, sort of like a vaginal Gandalf.

JEFFORDS: Stop saying that word!

That's actually a pretty good analogy.

Well, Sharon liked it, Sarge.

All right, listen, you have
nothing to worry about.

I've got it totally under control here.

Love you, bye. Great.

So I'm gonna go get your birth
plan and then summon your wizard.

Oh, Sharon, I heard you had
gone into labor in our police station.

I hope you don't contract an infection.

Yeah, we all hope that.

Hey, Capitán,

can I speak with you
outside for just one moment?

Don't leave me.

Listen, you've got your plate full today,

and this whole Sharon-having-a-baby
thing is honestly beneath you.

But I know a lot about childbirth.

My ex-boyfriend Frederick was an ob-gyn,

and we would often talk about his work.

Before he started talking about it with…

Dave.

Well, you should probably know that

I also have a lot of
experience with childbirth.

NARRATOR [ON TV]:
And, with a final grunt,

the mighty rhino expels her calf.

Ugh!

Gross! Come out of an egg next time.

I'm gonna go check in on Sharon.

Make sure she's not pushing
prematurely, fatiguing the uterus.

Okay. Wait, you can't talk to her!

Terry doesn't want you in there.

You make her uncomfortable.

I make her uncomfortable?

[SIGHS]

Well, that's ridiculous.

I should go confront
her about this at length.

No, wait! You could,

but I think that would
probably stress her out,

and we're trying to
keep her calm right now.

So maybe just…

Focus on work?

Of course.

I only want to help.
Whatever's best for Sharon.

Really?

You're fine with that?

Absolutely. I don't take it personally.

I mean, it's about me and my
behavior specifically, nobody else,

not Hitchcock or Scully…
But yeah, I'm fine.

What a joyous occasion.

So… Sharon's water just broke.

Are you kidding? Let's go!

Hold up.

This guy knows where
our murderer is hiding.

Just give me two minutes alone with him.

I'll let him know what's gonna
happen to him if he doesn't cooperate.

[CRYING] I'm gonna
miss the birth of my child!

It's a magical moment!

[CRYING] Okay, okay!

I'll tell you everything.

Thank you for letting me be
part of this wonderful experience.

You're a terrible person,
but you're welcome.

There you go. All right.

Safe and sound.

So I spoke with your doily…

Doula. So close.

And, unfortunately, she is
out of town for Thanksgiving.

What?

I also spoke with your
backup doula, who is in town.

Oh, thank God.
But is assisting with another birth.

Ugh! Should not have paused
between those two sentences.

Yeah. Jake, where's Terry?

I don't know exactly,
but everything is okay.

I have familiarized myself with the
soothing section of your birth plan,

and I will now speak in a low,
calming, Barry White voice.

[IMITATING BARRY WHITE] Oh, yeah.
Just breathe, baby.

You're making me more tense.

Yeah, I get why.

I'm doing a bad, bad job, girl.

How about we put on some relaxing music?

I think that Terry's got
some CDs on his desk.

[NORMAL VOICE] Oh, great.
Hey, Gina, can you grab those?

I have made the mistake
of looking at the birthing plan

and just learned what an episiotomy is.

I'm gonna need 90 minutes.

Okay. I'll grab the CDs.

Be right back.

Oh, hey, sir, thank you again
for letting us use your office.

I'm fine. I'm getting a lot of
work done here at Gina's desk.

It's wonderful.
She has all my favorite chewing gums.

Okay, well, I'm just getting some CDs

from Terry's desk to help relax Sharon.

I don't know why you're telling me.
I'm not involved.

You made that very clear.

All right.

Do you work here? I do.

My son was arrested six hours ago,

and nobody can tell me
when he's getting out.

-What is going on?
-[CROWD ARGUING]

What is going on? My son…

Yup. My son… Great question.

I will be right with you folks.

Guys, we have to clear
some of these people.

I'm trying to keep things calm
for Sharon, and this is not helping.

I don't know what to tell you.

I'm already writing dangerously fast.

It's Smudge City here, Jake. Smudge City!

I mean, the problem is, we
only have one fax machine,

and it takes four minutes per page.

It's Logjam City, Jake. Logjam City!

Well, Sharon is about
to have a baby, all right?

So I need it to be Calm City in here.
Calm City!

Hey, if you need more fax machines,

there's a ton of them in that
storage room where I go to take a nap.

What? What?

Why didn't you say something?

And once again, Hitchcock
and Scully save the day.

You didn't do anything.
It was all Scully.

We're a package deal,
everyone knows that.

Why is this train stopped?
I'm freaking out!

ANNOUNCER [OVER PA]:
Sorry for the delay,

but it turns out there's
an exciting reason.

The train in front of us has
a pregnant woman on board,

and she's giving birth.

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

Oh, don't applaud that!

Hey, this is terrible!

I'm sorry, but my wife is
giving birth right now, too!

[WEAK APPLAUSE]

No, that's not what I want!
It feels real forced.

Move this train!

All right, so I was
unable to get the CDs,

however, I can sing
you a very soothing tune.

Something like…

♪ When I get that feeling ♪

♪ I need sexual healing… ♪

[ALARM BLARING] Oh boy.

What is that? Is there a fire?

All right, I'm gonna go check this out.

Sharon, you stay here and
prepare to jump out the window.

That came out weird.

-[GASPS]
-[SIGHS]

[FIRE EXTINGUISHER HISSING]

Guys, what the hell is going on?

Hitchcock and Scully saved the day.

No, you plugged 10 fax machines

into one outlet and caused a fire.

But I pointed to the fire
extinguisher and was like,

"The fire extinguisher's over there."

You pointed at the toaster oven!

You guys, the alarm
is freaking out Sharon.

Does anyone know how to turn it off?

There's an override switch in
my office above the thermostat.

Oh, great. Can you turn it off?

Yes, I'd love to help out.

Perhaps you'd like me to wear a
bomb suit with an opaque visor,

so Sharon doesn't know that it is I who…

Just forget it. I'll do it!

Oh, good. You didn't jump.

What's going on? Is everything okay?

Yes, I just need to flick this switch

and turn off the old alarm-a-roono.

Oh, must've been the wrong switch.

But this one…

Turns on the sprinklers.

And apparently does not turn
them back off. [CHUCKLES]

[CROWD MURMURING]

Guys, what's going on?

I thought you were gonna clear the room?

They won't listen to us.

They're hungry and pissed
and they all hate cops.

Would you guys just fix
the paperwork problem?

I'll take care of this.

Excuse me, everyone.

Everyone, I'm gonna need
you all to clear the room.

This woman is having
vaginal contractions.

It's just "contractions," you
don't have to add "vaginal" to it.

Oh, sorry. This woman is
having non-vaginal contractions.

Everyone out, please.

-[CROWD GRUMBLING]
-That was better, right?

Get you down… Thank you. Thank you.

[PAINED GROANING]

All right, Sharon.

Things are about to get
very calm in here, all right?

Look at me. You're gonna be so relaxed,

that baby's gonna pop right out

onto the floor, you won't even notice.

Don't let my baby touch the floor!

Right, right! Because of the filth.

[GRUNTING] Where is Terry?

I don't know.

His phone's going straight to voicemail.

Maybe we should go to the hospital.

[SCREAMING] No hospital!

Yeah, no hospital, baby.

I will be right back.

Sir?

I need your help.

I knew this moment would
come, and I will be the bigger man.

I'd be happy to help. Great.

We need a doctor here immediately.

We have to get your ex-boyfriend.

I will not help you.

Things did not end well
between Frederick and me.

Ooh, why not?

Dish, sir, dish. Gina, no.

I can't believe I'm saying this,
but we simply don't have time

to hear about the Captain's
sordid romantic past.

What have you become?

A hero in a time of crisis.

You stay here and take care of Sharon.

Ugh. What if she's still
pregnant when I get in there?

Then you'll deal with it.

Sir, we're going to
get Frederick right now.

I'm sure he's over whatever
little fight you guys had.

Frederick? Happy Thanksgiving.

Huh.

Six more miles. Run, Terry, run!

Think of your wife in the care of Jake!

Sarge, look!

Aw, hell yeah!

[ENGINE REVVING]

[MOTORCYCLE RUMBLING]

[WHEELS SCREECHING]

[SCREAMING]

Terry is terrified!

[GROANING]

It's no use, they're all ruined.

No email, now no fax.
What're we gonna do?

I'll tell you what my
dad used to tell me.

"When the going gets tough,

"the pill bug curls into a
ball and pretends to be dead."

You think we should pretend to be dead?

You asked for a solution, I gave you one.
[GROANS]

Hitchcock, Scully, how
did you get things done

before the Internet and faxing?

Cocaine? Right.

And also the tubes.

There's 27 miles of pneumatic tubes

under the city, connecting
all the precincts.

Guys.

You really think these still work?

Oh, I think they still… [YELLS]

Help! Help!

-[AIR WHOOSHING]
-[SCREAMING]

Okay, I found you a pillow.

Full disclosure, it's
Scully's hemorrhoid donut.

I don't want that near my baby.

Yeah, that's the right call.

Okay, I'm gonna go
Howard Hughes my hands.

I am so uncomfortable.

Can we please try one of my
positions from my birth plan?

Okay.

Think positive thoughts.

You're in a Channing Tatum movie.

I don't like Channing Tatum.

I'm not talking to you.

[KNOCKING]

Please don't slam the door again.

We have a bit of a medical situation.

Well, I wish I could help,

but unfortunately, I have a
bit of a wooden duck situation.

Excuse me, what now?

Still on about the duck, Frederick?

Years ago, when we moved in together,

an antique duck decoy
of his was misplaced.

It wasn't misplaced.

You threw it in the trash.

And with it, our relationship.

Oh, please.

We had other problems.
Or have you forgotten about…

Dave?

Dave and I were
co-workers and nothing more.

Nothing more. Right?

Problem solved, everybody's friends.
Let's go help Sharon.

I will be happy to assist you

if you will just admit, Raymond,

that you threw my decoy in the garbage.

That will never happen,
because it's not true.

Thank you for nothing. Good day.

Hi. Would you mind just standing there

with your glorious beard for one moment?

I'll be right back.

What the hell?
Just tell him what he wants to hear.

But it's a lie.

I don't give a crap, sir.

Sharon needs a doctor,
so get over yourself.

Tell him you threw away his stupid duck,

then give him 20 bucks to buy a new one.

It cost $740. What?

That is an insane price for a duck!
That's way too much!

All right, now I'm angry
about the wrong thing.

Look, just fix this for Sharon.

Frederick, the duck was ugly and
gross and I threw it in the garbage.

Wow. Well, I know what I'm
thankful for this Thanksgiving.

The truth.

[MOTORCYCLE RUMBLING]

-[CELL PHONE RINGING]
-My phone's ringing!

Oh! Oh, no! No!

[MOTORCYCLE RUMBLES]

[SIGHS]

Terry's still not answering his phone.

Why am I the only one
who cares about this baby?

[FREDERICK LAUGHING]

Hey, what took so long? Is she okay?

Yeah, I was just telling
her the entire duck story,

now that it finally has
a satisfying ending.

No, everything's fine,

but I am a little concerned
about Sharon's blood pressure.

And this is a terrible environment.

I wouldn't call it terrible.

We're surrounded by criminals,

there's no bed, and you
can hear the faint sound

of someone screaming
through all the vents.

That's Hitchcock.

His arm's stuck in a pneumatic tube.

It's hilarious. [CHUCKLING]

In my professional opinion,

Sharon should go to the hospital.

Hey.

So, the doctor thinks we
should go to the hospital.

No hospital! No hospital!

Yup, I thought you might say that.

Look, I can't get a hold of Terry.

[GROANS] That one was rough.

Oh, maybe I should listen to the doctor.

What do you think?

Sharon, it doesn't matter what I think.

You and the Sarge have a plan.

Yeah, but the plan changed,
like, five horrible things ago.

I'm in a lot of pain.

I mean, I know we said no hospital, but…

I don't want to risk anything
by making a stupid mistake.

Look, you're my god-husband.

We both know that's a fake position.

[SIGHS] Not anymore.

What would you do?

[SIGHS]

Where is she? Where's Sharon?

Room 41B.

Look, I'm sorry. I know you said…

Don't go to the hospital!

I tried calling you, you didn't pick up.

So you decided to do

the exact opposite of
the one thing I told you?

I thought it was the
right thing to do, Terry.

Look, she's in there with Captain
Holt's ex-boyfriend right now,

but don't worry, I made him
promise to stop bringing up the duck.

What the hell are you talking about?

I… You know what?
I'll deal with you later.

Seems like you already dealt with me.

I got the gist, we're good.

Peralta, can I confess something to you?

I didn't throw Frederick's
duck in the garbage.

Yes, I know, sir.

I didn't throw the duck in the garbage.
I threw it off a bridge.

Why would you do that?

Well, Frederick and I
were having problems.

He knew I disliked the duck
because of its weak beak,

but he insisted on displaying it anyway.

I acted out in a petty manner.

Just as I did today.

I'm sorry that I wasn't more helpful.

It's fine, I understand.

You might find this hard to believe,

but I can be a little
childish sometimes, myself.

Yes.

You have gum in your hair right now.

-Noted.
-SANTIAGO: Hey!

Hey! You guys came.

What about all the paperwork?
We got it all in.

Filed 900 forms by
hand in under 12 hours.

It was tough, but worth it.
We wouldn't have missed this.

Also, we had to go to the ER anyway.

Hitchcock's arm was mangled by the tube.

I'm in unspeakable pain. Oh.

Ugh, this is agonizing.

It's been over an hour.

This has to be a record
for longest childbirth.

It's a girl!

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

All right.

Her name is Ava Jeffords.

She's 14 pounds, 6 ounces. Whoa.

Oh, yeah, Terry Jeffords
makes big babies.

Guys, I just want to
say thanks to all of you.

Charles and Amy, filling out forms.

Rosa, I'm so thankful you
got me here on that bike.

I'm thankful I could help.

I'm thankful that I'm…

Boyle, this is clearly a
moment between him and Diaz.

Captain Holt, you brought me the doctor

that brought my girl into the world.

And Gina, I know you got past
your fears and helped Sharon out.

I'm so happy for you

and I never want to see your
daughter or remember this day.

And Hitchcock and Scully,

I assume you're here
for some unrelated injury.

That's correct.

Jake, can I see you for a minute?

Oh. Yeah.

It's a girl.

Ouch! Worth it.

Sharon and I wanted you to
be the first person to meet Ava.

Oh, wow.

She's beautiful.

I'm sorry I got angry earlier.

You did a great job today.

Hospital was the right decision.

I'm so glad you're Ava's godfather.

I'm so glad you're Sharon's god-husband.

I'm so glad you're my god-wife.

I have no idea what
I'm saying at this point.

Thank you, Jake.

You want to hold her?

Oh, um…

Yeah, sure, that'd be great.

The baby, Jake!

Yeah! Right, right, the normal thing.