All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine-Nine.S03E03.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Ladies and gentlemen,
prepare to start clapping,

'cause I just made a major drug bust.

Talking about four kilos of cocaine,

$200,000 cash,

and my new partner, a tarantula.

I call him Jake Jr., aka Spidey
Klum, aka Mrs. Doubtspider,

aka Joe Spiden, aka Tarantula Basset,

aka Spi-dermot Mulrooney.

aka Tarantulina Jolie. What?

No, Charles, have you seen this spider?

That's a terrible name. Sorry.

Why do you have that thing?

Because they were gonna throw him away,

but I couldn't let them
do that to my furry little…

He's actually really scary up close.

It's horrifying from everywhere.
Terry hates creepy crawlers.

Seriously, I'm not going to your
apartment if that thing is there.

All right, fine, then he'll just live
here and help me solve crimes.

Get used to him, everyone,

'cause me and this
spider are partners for life.

He's gone.
I left the cage unlocked, and he's gone.

Somebody find him!

Stay off the ground!

I'm good. I'm out of here.

He couldn't have gone
far, unless he can fly.

Can tarantulas fly?

JEFFORDS: Jake, you
better find that spider.

And I'm not coming
back here until you do.

Uh, Sarge, I think I found it.

[GASPS]

Why are you looking at me like that?

-MAN 1: Oh, no.
-MAN 2: Oh, my gosh.

It's on my head!

[YELLING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

A whole hour until we testify.

Hey, donut holes.

Don't mind if I do.

Ugh.

Fish?

Fish donuts, Boyle?
What is wrong with you?

It's takoyaki.

I'm drowning my sorrows in octopus balls.

I've been online dating,
it's a total disaster.

I've only had one match,

and it was a pretty
obvious catfish situation.

My name Yennifer.

You give me social security?

Oh, Yennifer…

Now, I see that as a positive story.

Out of all the identities
he could have stolen,

he chose yours, and you want to know why?

Because I posted my annual income?

Because you posted your
annual income, you moron.

Excuse me, is that takoyaki?

Yeah, from Senka, right down the street.

Oh, I love that place.

The chef lets me take

octopus hearts home for my dogs.

Oh, lucky!

How many dogs do you have?

Oh, too many.

Three. That's how many I have.

Oh. All right, wait, quick question.

How do you keep them off the bed?

I gave up. I sleep on the floor. Me, too.

BOTH: It's better for your back.

-[BOTH LAUGH]
-Wow.

Well, nice meeting you.

What are you doing? She's walking away.

I got nervous. She eats octopus balls,

and she sleeps on the floor.

She's the perfect woman.

Oh, my God.

Sorry, I was aiming at somebody else,

but now that I have
your attention, Charles?

He was aiming at a terrible criminal.

He probably saved the world.

Do you want to have takoyaki
on the bench over there?

Sure, I was hoping you'd ask.

My work here is done.

Oh, still fish. Oh, God.

HOLT: Oh, Santiago,
thank you for coming in.

It's no secret the NYPD
has an image problem.

Yeah, when I told my garbage man

I was a cop, he said, "Gross."

He had someone else's
Band-Aid stuck to him.

Police approval ratings
are, pardon my language,

in the commode.

All the headlines are about the bad cops,

but there are good cops too,

and I want to put up posters

that showcase some of our best.

I'd like you to be on the first one.

Shut up, Ray.

I mean, interesting, Captain.

I'll think about it.

Wow, this is a bad idea.

First off, Amy has an
epic lack of swagger.

I'll have you know I have swagger.

I ooze swagger.

Right. More importantly,

putting up a bunch of
photos of smiling cops

isn't gonna change
how people feel about us.

I think this campaign is very promising.

Santiago, what's your take?

Oh, right, let's hear an unbiased opinion

from your straight-up Swimfan.

[SCOFFS]

I think it's a great idea, sir.

Well, you can count me out.

I will not pose for your posters.

I didn't ask you, and
you're not a police officer.

Yeah, I'm out.

Sarge, permission to
arrest Hitchcock and Scully.

I told you before, it's not harassment

unless you can prove intent to fart.

No, it's not that. They robbed me.

They ate my Moose Tracks ice cream.
[LAUGHS]

That's funny.
I wouldn't think you like Moose Tracks.

My boyfriend Marcus introduced me to it.

What?

It is a delicious treat for all ages.

Damn, Rosa, okay.

Look, I think they've been
skimming people's desserts for weeks,

but I can never prove it.

Did you see them take your ice cream?

No, but Hitchcock has
fudge stains all over his chest.

He's always got fudge
stains all over his chest.

They'll deny everything.
We need hard proof.

So let's get it.

Step one, put a
delicious pie in the fridge

and cover it with poison.

That's step one? What's step two?

Tell their widows they were thieves.

Hey, where'd she go?
You guys were hitting it off.

I half expected to see you
sitting in her lap by now.

She is amazing.

Her palate is wide and deep. Gross.

And at one point when she wasn't
looking, I snuck a whiff of her hair.

Of course you did.

She uses one of my top three shampoos.

Tahitian Coconut, extra lather.

Sounds good, Boyle.
Did you get her number?

Oh, we lost track of time.

She had to go back into court.

When she's done, I'm gonna ask her out.

Oh, okay, okay. So what's the plan?

Going straight from here to the spa.
Couples massage.

Okay, seems a little intense,

but given how your
other weirdness lined up,

I say go for it.

Oh, here she comes. Oh, okay.

How do I look? You look great.

I've got a good feeling about this.

Genevieve, I know we just met,
and I don't want to be too forward…

Charles… But sometimes you just get

a feeling about a person…

Charles.
And I've got that feeling about you.

I like you… Charles, look down.

I think tonight we… Oh, shoot.

They just gave me 10 years in prison.

She didn't say no.

PERALTA: Hey, buddy.

Got you some of those fish donuts

you like so much to cheer you up.

Although, full disclosure,

I couldn't find where they sold them,

so that's just a chocolate
éclair with lox on it.

Oh, thanks, Jake, but I
don't need cheering up.

You can eat it yourself. Nope.

So what, you're not
upset about falling hard

for a lady who was
immediately thrown in jail?

No, because she's not actually guilty.

They say she robbed her own art gallery

for the insurance money,
but that makes no sense.

She would have made
more if the art had sold.

This piece, Breastfeeding Knight,

was worth twice what she got
from the insurance company.

Wow, look at that.

Not to sound overly intellectual,

but dem knight boobies is crazy.

[LAUGHS] I get art.

Also, I talked to Genevieve's lawyer.

He's a total disaster.

I have a couple questions
about a beautiful client of yours,

Genevieve Mirren-Carter.

She got hit by a tow
truck and sued the driver?

No, she was accused of insurance fraud.

Oh, good, because I
blew that tow truck case.

Straight-up forgot to go to court.

Well, they found one of the
stolen paintings at her house.

But she said she didn't
know how it ended up there.

She's being set up.

Framed. Art joke. Continue.

My hunch is that it's a jealous ex-lover.

A girl like that, three dogs,
makes her own turkey stock,

that's the kind of
woman you don't get over.

Look, I know you think
my judgment's clouded

because I like her a little bit…

You doodled your wedding invitation.

No, that's our joint tombstone.
My mistake.

But as a cop, I really
don't think that she did it.

Something is off about the case.

Okay, Boyle.

I trust your gut.

Let's go free an innocent woman. Nice!

My dreams are coming true.

You and me getting my lady off together.

I mean, you know how that sounds, right?

Look strong, but fair.

But approachable.
But professional. And fun.

But not too fun.

This is your job.
Can you handle all that?

Sir, "Fun, but not too fun"
was my campaign slogan

when I ran for prom queen.

Did you win? No.

Ames? I want to say you look great.

Thank you. You didn't let me finish.

Dot, dot, dot, for you.

Great news is, it doesn't
matter, because this campaign,

like three out of five Backstreet
Boys, is inconsequential.

That's enough, Gina.

All I'm saying as a, if not the,

voice of the streets is,
this 'tisn't gonna work.

And all I'm saying as a, if not the,

boss here is, if you're not
gonna support me, you can leave.

Fine. I will leave.

I'm gonna go get a mani-pedi,

and I'm gonna do some
serious sub-tweeting,

so you might want to keep off the net.

Diaz.

Look what I found in
Hitchcock and Scully's trash can,

ice cream spoon.

Son of a bitch.

You hungry, hungry
hippos ate my ice cream.

Why was this in your trash?

And who throws away a spoon?

It's the easiest utensil to clean.

I don't even think it's ice cream.

It's probably medicine.

You know, I'm on lots of medicines, Rosa.

I'm sick all over.

This is ice cream,
and I'm gonna prove it.

Sarge, no. It's been in their mouths.

What am I doing?

Well, I guess your little
investigation has hit a dead end.

I'll be back.

Don't move.

Not a problem.

I hate moving.

Let it go.

-Let it go.
-[SPOON CLATTERING]

Interesting.

Yeah, something
definitely doesn't add up.

Did you know there's a
sausage you can drink?

What?
Are you even talking about the case?

We got distracted.
She has an amazing tongue.

Strong, supple, great bud density.

Okay, I'm gonna take over the questioning.
Yeah, I'm too close to this.

Disgusting eating habits.

Hi, Genevieve. I'm just gonna
ask you a couple of questions now,

and Detective Boyle will just sit there

and keep waving at you, I guess.

Now then, is there anybody
you can think of besides yourself

that has access to
the gallery after hours?

No, just me, and the vault is only
accessible through fingerprint ID.

Does Charles have a girlfriend?

I just saw her mouth my name.
What did she say?

Is she asking if I'm circumcised?

What? No. Who asks that?
Stop interrupting.

Sorry about that. Okay, next question.

Can you think of anyone that
might be trying to set you up?

Maybe an employee
or a rival of some kind?

Maybe my ex-boyfriend, Nick.

He's an artist, a terrible one.

He was always in debt
and begging for money.

That's why we broke up.
Maybe he's resentful.

Dirtbag ex.

[GASPS] That was my theory, remember?

Tell her it was my theory.

Okay. Wait, give me a second.

I want to look smart when you say it.
Okay.

Hey, Genevieve, Detective
Boyle wanted me to let you know

that he, a college graduate,
had a similar theory

that it could have been an ex-boyfriend.
Wow.

He is so smart.

It actually worked.
I've got to hand it to you, buddy,

whatever you're putting
down, she is picking up.

Oh, good. One more thing.

Boyle has another question.

Tell her when this is all over,

I'm gonna rub her body in pâté,

and then rub it off her with a cornichon.

I'm just gonna give you the phone back.

Okay.

Hi.

Guard got nauseous, so we had to stop.

Hmm, that's weird.

Do you think it's because you're the two

most disgusting people in the universe?

Could be. Yeah, check this out.

Remember the ex-boyfriend
that she mentioned, Nick?

Call him Mr. Butthead.

Okay, well, apparently, Mr. Butthead

just bought a brand-new gallery
in DUMBO to showcase his art,

which is weird, because Genevieve
said he was always in debt.

Looks like somebody just
came into a ton of money.

Oh, and you think she's gonna want to

get back together with
him now that he's rich.

Damn it! What? No, Boyle.

He probably got the cash
from selling the stolen art.

Your hunch was right.

Yeah, it was.

♪ My hunch, my hunch, ♪

♪ my lovely case-y hunch ♪

Come on, Jake, sing with me.
That's not gonna happen.

I will literally never…

♪ Whatcha gonna do with all that hunch ♪

♪ All that hunch inside your brain ♪

♪ We're gonna solve,
solve, solve this case ♪

♪ Solve this case right in your face ♪

-We should probably leave this prison.
-Yep.

Okay, here's my cover.

My name is Sherwin LeMonde,

sculptor, painter, full-time barista.

But once I sell my first
piece, part-time barista.

Oh, nice. I'm Donald Hoberman-Seitz.

I wear glasses.

Is that all you got?

Sorry, I spent the cab ride here
imagining me and Genevieve kissing.

Okay, just let me do the talking.

Wine? Yes, thank you so much.

Wow, I love your outfit.

I'm an artist, so I get that
it's more than just tight.

Nick likes to coat women in latex.

He's fascinated by the idea of the
human chrysalis in society's pupation.

Hmm, cool. Human chrysalis and whatnot.

Yeah, whatnot.

It's a whatnot. Yeah, yeah.

I have no idea what a chrysalis is,

but serious question,
if she farts in that thing,

does it blow up like a balloon?

You have to assume that it would.
You have to, right?

Yeah. Art is so intense.

It really is.

Look, there's Nick. Get him.

Hey, man. Hey.

Is this your work? Yeah.

It's good.

I haven't talked to anyone
here, but it almost seems like

you're going for a human chrysalis thing.

I'm glad you like it.

I wish I could take
credit, but this is society.

I'm just holding up the mirror.

Hmm?

Wow.

You meant that literally. Very cool.

Anyhow, I'm a fellow
artist named Sherwin.

I'm Donald Hoberman-Seitz.
I wear glasses.

So anyway, I was wondering.
How'd you get your own gallery?

It must be really expensive.

Art's not about the money, man.

Totally.

It's more about the other things.
Right on.

This painting is called Genevieve 416.
What's that all about?

Well, April 16th was the day

my ex, Genevieve, and I
covered ourselves with paint

and made love on that
canvas for 24 hours straight.

That's pretty pathetic, dude.

You seem pretty obsessed
with Genevieve, huh?

Excuse me? Donald.

I bet it really hurt when she dumped you.

What? Donald, your glasses.

Where were you July 21st, Mr. Butthead?

Uh… [MOCKING] Uh… Uh…

You were robbing Genevieve's gallery.

You framed her, and I
should arrest you right now.

What are you, cops?
What? No, we're artists.

And as artists, we question everything,

including certain people's
whereabouts on particular dates.

Get out of here.

Fine, but we're taking this,

because you don't deserve that memory.

That painting is $95,000.

I don't want it anyway.
Your penis was on it.

Sorry about that. Donald is…

Sucks.

Hey, you dum-dums.

Ice cream.

Moose Tracks ice cream.

How do you know?

Yep, it's definitely ice cream.

Knew it! They're going down.

Also, whoever used this spoon,

their body ain't right.

Okay, let's say it is ice cream.

But I didn't eat it, I couldn't have.

I'm lactose intolerant.

Me, too.

I'm super lactose intolerant.

You're lying.

Have you ever seen us eat dairy?

You know no one can
bear to watch you eat.

Check.

And… Check.

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

I got to say, Boyle.

Nick was pretty defensive.

Yeah, and he's a terrible artist.

All he does is have sex on canvases.

Any fourth grader could do that.

But…

They shouldn't. No.

Hey, Nick doesn't like cops,
but he didn't do anything wrong.

And how would you know?

I'm his assistant, Dvora.

He would never set up Genevieve.
He's still in love with her.

He keeps boxes of her
old stuff lying around.

Ooh, can we look at,
smell and handle them?

I mean, you know, for the investigation.

We're cops.

Please, take the boxes.
I want them out of here.

Oh. Okay, great.

You wouldn't happen to know
where he was on July 21st, would you?

Actually, I would.

He did a performance
art piece that entire month.

He lived in a cage on
the street and never left it.

The whole thing's on video.

Okay, great. Totally.

We'll just go around back
and pick up the boxes.

Oh, one more thing.

Where in this "cage" did
he go to the bathroom?

Bucket. Okay, gross. Have a good night.

Sir, I saw my poster on
the subway this morning.

Well, you must feel like a
celebrity, a regular Ira Glass.

They put a Hitler mustache on me.

Yes, this is unfortunate,

but let's not overreact to one graffito.

It wasn't just one.

People drew on every single poster.

They put devil horns, target on my face,

this one says, "Die
Pig," and worst of all,

they didn't put the comma
between "Die" and "Pig."

This is easily dealt with.

I'll just issue a statement
saying vandals will be prosecuted.

It's not just vandalism, sir.

People have real complaints, too.

"End stop-and-frisks.

"Stop racial profiling.

"Unlawful arrest is a crime."

I see.

I think Gina was right
about the campaign, sir.

Hmm.

I'm surprised she hasn't marched

in here to say, "I told you so."

She wouldn't do that.

You're right, Amy.

For once in your life, you're 100% right.

I would never say that.

Did you have enough time to read it all?

Yes.

Okay, good.

PERALTA: Yep, it's true.

He sat in a cage for a month.

Ugh, the bucket checks out.

This is insane. Anything is art.
Here, watch this.

A statue of Jesus made out of
cigarette butts. Boom, I'm a millionaire.

That's actually pretty good. I know.

And I could call it "Holy Smokes."

Should we really do this? No, right?

That's crazy, you can't just
become an artist out of nowhere.

Jake. The case. What? Yeah.

So Nick has an alibi, that's not great.

But we have a box of
Genevieve's stuff from the gallery.

I'm sure there's something
in here that will exonerate her.

Right. Oh, my God.

Socks and shoes.
This is exactly the type of stuff I own.

This is kismet.

Oh, no, what's this?

It's a receipt for a storage unit

that she didn't tell anyone about.

It's probably nothing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I'm sure it's nothing. Yeah.

It's totally nothing. [LAUGHS] No.

It's a bunch of stolen art.

Hey, buddy. Sorry about Genevieve.

It's okay.

I'm resigned to my life of solitude.

Just me and my five dogs.

Wait, I thought you only had three dogs.

I just adopted two online right now.

This pit bull hates kids.

That's fine, I'll never have any.

Add to cart. Okay, let me just grab that.

Listen to me, Charles.
You're gonna be fine.

There are plenty of women out there.

Strong, beautiful, smart women.

How about her? She's very beautiful.

With my luck, she's probably a car thief.

Don't be ridiculous.

Hey, Scully. Yeah?

Who's the babe?

Just booked her for elder abuse.

Elder abuse, that's nice.
All right, fine.

We shouldn't be doing this at a precinct.

I really thought I was gonna
get Genevieve out of prison.

Then we'd cover ourselves in paint

and make love for 25 hours,

one more hour than her and Nick.

Boyle, you would hate that.

Your little hummingbird
heart would explode.

I wish I didn't have a heart.

I'm off to the cheese shop.

And I'm buying by the wheel.

The cheese wheel. Yeah, I got it.

Gina, as you predicted,

there was some backlash
to the poster campaign.

Yes, I'm the Nostradamus of your shame.

I think a problem the police have had

is our inability to admit our mistakes,

so this campaign was, um…

a mistake.

You told me that, but I got
defensive and didn't listen.

I should have been open to criticism,

as this department
should be open to criticism.

That's why I'm replacing these with…

These.

My email address is at the bottom,

and I intend to respond
to every message I receive.

Before we put them up, I
want to hear your thoughts.

I love them.

Once again, my advice
has, like, saved the city.

I came up with the slogan.

It's tacky to take credit for stuff.

We're here to apologize.

I can't prove you took my Moose Tracks,

so I shouldn't have yelled at you.

I'm impressed.

It takes a big person to admit

when they're being a total dum-dum.

We want to make it up to you.

We got you a pizza.

Only one pizza for both of us?

DIAZ: Oh, my God.

That was an obvious setup, you morons.

You're eating cheese.

You're lying about
being lactose intolerant.

SCULLY: No, we weren't.

Some things are just delicious
enough to suffer the consequences.

I'm diabetic, but I still
eat sugar out of the bag.

[GROANS] Just admit
you took my Moose Tracks.

Admit it!

Admit it.

Yeah, we ate it.

And we're eating your pizza.

So who's the moron now?

Ooh, stomach.

Oh, yeah. It's coming.

They admitted it.
That's a victory, right?

No, Terry.

There are no winners here.

SCULLY [EXCLAIMING]: Coming
through, coming through! Move it!

Move, move, move, move, move, move, move!

PERALTA: Getting in a little late there

this morning, Boyle. Where you been?

Cursing out my own shadow

for hanging out with a loser like me.

Also an eye doctor appointment.

Well, there's something in the
holding cell that might cheer you up.

That's Nick's assistant. Why is she here?

After you left last night,

I was thinking about the 24-hour
sex painting, Genevieve 416.

Check out the date on this receipt

from the storage
locker with the stolen art.

April 16th.

Four-sixteen! Exactly.

She couldn't have rented it,

because she was busy getting busy.

Oh, good one. This is fantastic.

I mean, I'm not happy that she
was having sex with another man,

but I'm okay with it if
that's what gets her off.

Do you seriously not hear it?

Because it almost seems
intentional at this point.

Why would Dvora set Genevieve up?

Because she's in love with Nick.

She used one of those latex casts

of Genevieve's hand

to get the fingerprints so she could

break into the gallery. Wow.

I can't believe you kept working the case

even after I gave up.

That was a nice thing to do.

Charles, I didn't do it to be nice.

I did it to be amazing.

And I think you're a great detective,

and I trusted your gut.

Now go get your girlfriend out of prison.

Oh, thanks, man.

Next time you see me, I'm
gonna be all out of orgasms.

No, you can't say that while
you're hugging someone.