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1 Mr. Johnson. The machine's broken.

I know, kids.

That dang thing's been nothing but trouble.

I called a repair shop, but I guess it's low priority for 'em.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

I had to evict a family of mice from a Street Fighter console,

and they did not go gently.

That's okay. You're right on time.

Here, girls. Have some Nerds.

You'll be back to boxing in no time, thanks to, um...

Ian. And you must be...

General Johnson. Johnson's General.

I mean, this is Johnson's General.

I'm Walter Johnson.

Johnson's General was my father.

Oh, man.

Never seen one of these before.

It's gotta be at least what, 40 years old?

Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

I-I think they gave a few of these out

when they were promoting the Burly Boy dinners.

Which worked on me, I guess.

I eat so much frozen food.

They do the, uh, Strongman Stroganoff, Mighty Meatloaf,

Manly Mac and Cheese.

The ultimate meal for the single man.

Single man? I find that hard to believe.

Look at that. You can see why I couldn't fix this thing.

Well, that's why I'm here, Walt.

Could you hand me those bent nose pliers?

This is a wrench.

I'm so sorry to make you come all the way back.

It's these darn kids. I don't know what they're doing.

It's really no trouble at all.

I was hoping you'd call.

- Really? - Well, yeah.

- I almost called the store actually. - What?

Well, I wanted to tell you that I tried the Strongman Stroganoff.

Ah. Right, what did you think?

Not great.

The stroganoff can be tricky.

The-they say to slice one hole in the plastic. I slice two.

And if you want to get fancy,

alternate from high power to medium power halfway through.

Oh.

Hey, can you pass me the...

Mr. Johnson.

Come on, partner. Let's get you inside.

I have to admit, it was a bit of a wake-up call.

Not just having my heart stopped,

but remembering I'd made Izzy my emergency contact.

I guess her being your emergency contact was the...

... real emergency.

Yeah. It's very kind of you to take me in, Beau,

seeing as you don't know me very well.

What are you talking about, Mr. J?

I've been coming into your store my whole life.

I guess, in spending all my time at the store,

I haven't left much room for friends.

Well, it is my pleasure to have you here.

Plus, I get to practice my face-making skills.

Check it out.

Wow, it's like looking in a mirror.

- I used M&M's for your blue dots. - I can see that.

I can take 'em off your hands if sweets aren't your game.

No...

... I'm just a bit self-conscious.

Nothing to be embarrassed about, Mr. J.

My son, Kolton, had blue dots too.

- So does Hana, Dusty, Cass. - Really?

Yeah, I don't think it's a big deal.

I get an itchy rash on my head when something's bothering me.

Like the other day when I couldn't find my Stetson.

As soon as I found it, the rash cleared up,

which was ironic because I now had the hat to cover the rash.

Mr. Johnson, am I getting fired?

I know the count may be off on some of the chips and candy,

but I promise I can make it right.

No, Jacob, you did good.

In fact, I was thinking of closing the store

for a few days until I'm back on my feet.

You deserve some time off.

Really?

I mean, you never close the store.

I'm starting to think that's part of the problem.

Hey, Jacob.

I couldn't help but notice you brought that thing home.

Oh, yeah. It stopped working after the MORPHO went to the next stage,

but I decided to keep it safe just in case.

Hey, maybe I can take a look. See if I can get it working again.

Your old man loves a project.

What do you say, Mr. J?

I've got nothing but time.

I can't believe you invited Hana.

Why wouldn't I?

Because she's so sketchy.

She kept secrets about the machine,

and she has all those, like, weird little blue dots.

Um, as do I.

- Yeah, but yours are chic. - Oh.

You know that she slept with Giorgio?

- Yes. - And he...

... obviously broke things off with her,

- but she didn't fight for him, Cass. - Oh.

Like, who, having experienced even one erotic moment with Giorgio,

would wanna go on living without him?

And I know that you and Giorgio almost kissed once.

- And I didn't fight for him. - But that was different.

You were with Dusty.

- Dust... Dusty. Hey, you. - Hey.

Uh-oh. What did I just walk into?

You two were talking about me, aren't you?

No, no. We were talking about everyone we know.

Okay. So clearly Giorgio told Nat about my date with Alice.

Wait. I'm sorry. What?

So, yes, I went out on a date with Trina's teacher.

And yes, I did end the evening with a hug.

And, yes, the hug was of normal length.

That's an odd thing to clarify.

That's the whole kit and caboodle.

That's all she wrote, folks.

- Just... - So, can we just stop talking about it?

Dusty, we're not talking about that.

Yeah, Giorgio didn't even mention it to me.

We are both huge proponents of the bro code.

And, uh, you and I, we had decided

to not share those kind of details. Okay?

- Yeah. No, I remember that. - We were talking about Hana.

Oh, right.

I... is she coming to your book club?

Dusty. Dusty.

For the last time,

it is not a book club.

It is a storyteller's group, inspired by New York City's The Moth.

Okay? Everyone prepares a story around a specific theme,

and this week's theme is "My greatest relationship".

Yeah. Would you like to stick around

and talk about your new teacher friend?

No, I wouldn't.

I'll leave you to it.

I just came up to get some fizzy water

'cause I was a bit bored of the tap water in the basement.

But that's all right.

I'll just shake it up.

Enjoy your... reading.

- Okay. - I'm gonna...

- Are you okay? - Yes. Yes.

- Okay. - I said that we could see other people.

Didn't know it would happen that fast,

but, hey, I am meeting new people too, just like Hana,

which is exactly why I would appreciate it

if you would please just give her a chance.

Of course. But if she turns out to be a psycho...

- Hey! - What's up, girl? Yeah!

- Brought Syrah. - Come on in.

If you don't like it, I won't be offended.

I found a whole case in the crawl space under the bar.

A crawl space. I'm so glad you could make it, Hana.

Oh.

- Yeah, sorry. - Okay. So we're gonna come this way.

Thank you for coming.

Wow. Look at that serving technique.

Is there a comment card? 'Cause I have a comment.

My waitress is too good at her job.

You know, it's really cute that you decided

to spend your day off slowly drinking

the cheapest item on the menu at my workplace,

but, uh, you should go do something fun.

I am doing something fun.

I'm watching you work.

That's what I always wanted to do when we were dating but not dating.

That's very sweet.

But now that we are dating,

we've been spending a lot of time together at school,

- and after school, and on the weekend. - Ah, it's too much, right?

I'm being, like... ... way too much.

Maybe a little. Just being honest.

What's up, LA Looks? Are you distracting my staff?

Uh, no. I was just... LA Looks?

I don't trust you.

Trina, I don't trust him.

This is the kid who led my Savannah on.

- Your Savannah? - That's right.

Stepfather Giorgio doesn't eff around.

And this eff boy tried to out eff an eff boy.

If you eff with the jefe, you get eff the effed up.

Wait, am I the eff boy in this situation or you?

Don't play coy.

- I won't. - All right?

Sav and I tell each other everything.

And sometimes she leaves her phone out and her texts pop up,

and I accidentally read them before I realize what's happening.

So, you saw my multiple apology texts?

No.

But Savannah did say that they weren't even that heartfelt, bro.

So, why don't you stop bothering my girl here

and go hang out with your boys?

- Jacob doesn't really have boys. - Hmm.

- Hey, I have boys. - A little advice, Tri.

Work life and personal affairs are like oil and vinegar.

Sometimes they whisk together

into a beautiful combination like our signature dressing,

Giorgio's Balsamico.

TM, eff boy.

But they're always distinct flavors.

- Got it? - Got it.

Now, I need your help. I'm hanging some beautiful artwork

inspired by the love of my life.

Wait, it's probably her right now.

Nat, baby.

What? No!

What is she doing at Storytellers? No.

Look, it's not that I don't want you here.

- Nah, I get it. - I just think it's good for us

to do our own things sometimes.

We don't want to end up like my parents.

- All codependent and unfulfilled. - Totally.

Here. Go play in the arcade.

If you win me the Koosh ball that's been there since the '90s,

I'll hook you up with curly fries after I'm done.

- Challenge accepted. - Okay.

And he got in his paddle boat, and he paddled away.

And that was my greatest relationship.

- Ah. - Aw.

- Wow. - Mmm.

- Okay, so, that is the one to beat. - Mm-hmm.

That was so great, Ellen.

And Hana, we usually clap or snap when somebody finishes a story.

But that's okay, you guys. She didn't know.

Who wants a Poddy in their body?

Dusty, can we help you?

Can I help you?

I just decided to, uh, brew a small tray

of PoddyBean's coffee pods for my favorite gal pals.

They're, uh, Saint Patrick's Day-themed.

Which is just good fun, you know?

So we've... we've got, uh, "creamy and greeny".

No, you're not... Ellen doesn't...

Will we go for "less bold"?

Huh? That'll keep you awake during all that reading.

Oh, "holy roast".

Hana, d-did you want some Poddy in your body?

No, thanks. I'm not really in the mood for a holiday-themed coffee.

Well, okay, well. I'll just, uh...

I'll just park these over here,

and if you guys change your mind, you can fight over them later.

Not like in a catfight.

Didn't mean it that way.

Because it's not true, is it?

When women get together, they don't always fight.

So let's end that gender stereotype today.

Here, now, women can do anything.

Always.

- You know what I think has happened here? - Dusty.

I think that Cass told you about my date with Alice.

- Dusty. - And so can I just say,

for the record, that this now-infamous hug wasn't even that long.

Forty seconds, tops.

And when you're in it, it's not... It doesn't feel like...

- Could I demonstrate with you... - No.

No, not the time for that.

- ♪ Somebody else? Who wants a hug? ♪ - No.

No. Well, for the sake of the experiment, I shall hug myself.

- If someone has a timer. - Okay, Dusty,

nobody cares about you or Alice, or your weird hug.

And I can't believe I have to say this,

but can you just go to your room?

Will do.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

And, uh, if any of you hotties wanna go Poddy in your coffee,

I'll be downstairs.

That's not... That's... Oh, fuck it.

It's Jacob versus machine. This is it. It's all on the line.

And you know what? It's the national basketball championship series.

I know literally nothing about basketball,

and this is the big final shot.

Holy shit! He scores.

What the fuck? Did anyone see that?

Hey, man.

- You reading, uh, Ulysses? - Yep.

Any good?

Well, it's my seventh time reading it, so yes.

It's a pretty crucial text, even if it's a bit indulgent.

- Is that for college or... - No, I dropped out of college.

The profs are all fucking morons

who give you an F if you have an original idea.

Right. Yeah.

That sucks. I was hoping college

would maybe be better than high school.

It's a good thing you hate high school. It means you have a brain.

You're Trevor, right?

- You worked at the rink with my dad? - Correct.

Beau was a good employee until he wasn't.

I was sorry to hear about your brother.

Oh... thanks.

I don't have a brother, but I know what it's like to grow up fast.

Probably why high school seems so trivial to you.

You've actually experienced life.

Hey, so I actually have some time to kill

if you wanna, like, hang or whatever.

Aw, hanging.

I love to hang.

I'm just messing with you, man.

I'm totally down.

Sick.

Yeah, I don't know why I said "hang".

I think it's hilarious when people say that so...

So, have you always been into Western paraphernalia?

Well, my dad was really the Western guy.

- You remember my dad, the fire chief? - Of course.

He got me into it, I guess.

We didn't have too much else in common.

Only time we ever talked about feelings

was when we were punching that bag.

You remember when you gave it to me, Mr. J?

Because I was the only kid to ever hit Burly Boy.

Yeah.

How the hell am I supposed to fix this thing?

It doesn't even have all the parts.

Oh, hey.

Oh, hey.

Wow, you have quite the collection here.

Yeah. I'm a bit of a hoarder.

Just kind of pick up random stuff wherever I go,

but you never know what you might need in the repair biz.

- What's this? - Oh, yeah. Beats me.

Never could get it to work.

It's beautiful though.

Oh, the speaker looks like a butterfly.

I like butterflies.

Oh. Listen to me. I like butterflies.

I do though.

They only live for a few weeks, but, boy, do they make the most of it.

It's yours if you want it.

That's very kind.

- What can I give you for it? - Don't worry about it.

The truth is I've been feeling bad.

You know, for all the times you've hired me to fix that old machine,

you could have bought a new Burly Boy.

I wouldn't have to keep coming back here all the time.

Not that I'm complaining.

Maybe you could swing by sometime even if nothing's broken.

I make a mean Mighty Meatloaf.

That sounds nice.

Ah, Mr. Johnson.

I have a bit of a crisis.

I thought I had 40 gifts for Dusty, but I'm one short,

and I could get him a can of tomato soup, and he will love that.

But I was hoping for something a little more special, you know?

Like, hmm... Ooh.

Uh, what is that thing?

That?

It's yours if you want it, but it... it doesn't work.

Magic.

Sorry, Mr. J.

I think it's busted.

Oh, that's okay.

You did your best.

You know, it might not be working now, but maybe it served its purpose.

It got the town to the next stage.

What is the next stage?

It was this vision of me in the jungle,

and at first, I thought it represented sexual wilderness,

but then the animated me arrived at this clearing in the jungle,

and there was another me and I realized I was the me I was seeking.

The greatest relationship I could ever have

is the one that I have with myself.

So, I've only been having sex with women who look like me,

and I masturbate six times a day.

- Oh, yay. Good, good. - Hmm.

- That's so fun. - Yay.

- Um, that's great. - Healthy. Wow.

Um. Argh, I was going to talk about Dusty,

but I don't even wanna think about him right now.

- Yeah. - So, what about Hana?

I mean, maybe she can give us a story

instead of sitting there quietly judging us.

What? No, I'm not judging.

Hana, you know,

I think it would put us all a little more at ease

if you would share a story about a relationship that, I don't know,

you inexplicably let slip away

and how you could do that, and why you regret it.

I don't have a greatest relationship.

I told you, Cass. I don't date.

I also don't have "friends".

What are "friends"?

You... You put friends in quotation marks.

No, I don't know why I did that.

I don't have friends.

My dad put me in a rich kid boarding school when I was eight years old.

And I hated all the other rich kids,

and I hated my dad for dropping me there

and throwing money at me and abandoning me.

And everyone hated me.

The sulky loner with a back full of weird fucking blue dots.

And I just never connected with anybody.

- How long have you had your blue dots? - I don't know. Like, forever.

I didn't always have this many, but, you know,

not ideal for fitting in.

So I left as soon as I could, and I never went back to school.

I took a job in a bar.

I like bars.

I like hearing other people's stories.

I like sex. Preferably with strangers.

I don't like relationships,

I don't think they're great,

but we all have our shit that we're trying to change,

and I'd like to be a part of something.

I'd like to try to be a part of this weird little group.

- I am going to hug you. - Me too.

- I'm coming in too. - No, thanks.

- Yeah. You don't want it? - Okay.

Okay. We were pushing it. Yeah.

- Ultimately, our values are subject to... - Hey.

You ready to go?

Well, uh, actually, Trev and I just ordered some mozzarella sticks.

Feels like they're the most crucial thing on the menu.

And since you're here,

can I also have whatever corporate sugar water

this place serves?

I'm actually done with my shift, but I would have said no anyway.

Um, so, text me when you're done, I guess.

Well, after this, Trev and I were gonna hang in the cemetery.

Clean some gravestones.

- You're going to clean gravestones? - If we don't, who will?

The family of the person who died or, like, the rain.

Well, you said we should do our own things, right?

I'll text you later?

Sounds good. Have fun, you two.

- Anyway, so... - Yep.

Yo. Yo, yo. Talk to me, Tri.

Can't have my staff walking around with hound dog looks on their faces.

Well, my shift's over and I was going to meet up with Jacob,

but I think I kind of pushed him into the arms of a pretentious douche.

He was just being a bit clingy.

He wanted to be all up in your grill, huh?

Well, now I'm struggling to hate that kid.

I don't know if you know this about me,

but I can come off a little strong sometimes too.

Maybe Big Spender and I

should hide our feelings a little more, you know.

Put little dimmer switches on our hearts.

No. New love is exciting and you should express it however you want.

Hmm.

You need help hanging that?

- I thought your shift was over. - Not like I have anything better to do.

Trina Hubbard, this act of kindness will not go unnoticed.

Consider the sign you smashed paid.

I'm hereby absolving you of your debt

and reinstating you as a salaried member of the Giorgio's wait squad.

Yo.

With this extra long mozzarella stick,

I now pronounce thee paid.

Okay.

Oh.

Thanks, Giorgio.

- Yeah. - Do I get to keep my tips?

We will discuss.

But it's gonna be a no from me, dawg.

Boop.

- Hana... - Hmm.

... I just wanna say that I'm so sorry

for giving you the cold shoulder earlier.

I understand why you didn't fight for Giorgio's love now.

You're damaged from your youth, and that's okay.

Thanks.

Your story about the boarding school was so beautiful.

And just so you know, my all-time favorite movie musical

- is Annie, so... - That's a different thing, but thanks.

Hey, I'm sorry if it felt like

I was judging you guys.

It's just sorta my go-to face.

If anything, I'm actually kinda jealous of your friendship.

You're jealous of us?

- We have been friends for 30 years. - Well...

How did you guys meet?

- Oh. - Okay. She asked for it.

Okay, so it was fifth grade.

I just moved to Deerfield.

I'm sitting all alone in social studies,

- and I see it. - And she sees it.

A Latchkey Ladz bedazzled denim jacket

hanging on the chair right in front of me.

Spoiler alert. It was my jacket.

So I tap on the girl's back, and I say, "Hey, I love Latchkey Ladz."

- But guess what? It wasn't even Nat. - It wasn't me.

Jenny Benson had stolen my jacket...

... and not to speak ill of the dead,

- but Jenny Benson was the fucking worst. - Mmm.

She also stole my boyfriend, Darren R,

and I wanted to die.

But then Cass got my Latchkey Ladz jacket back.

And I knew then that we would always look out for each other,

- and we always have. - It's true.

I guess you could say Nat is my greatest relationship.

I'm sorry, but what is a Latchkey Lad?

Oh!

Only the greatest boy band in the history of the Earth.

- They're from England, Hana. - Zed.

He was my favorite. And that's favorite spelled with a "u".

They have this song called "Standing in the Queue",

because in England it's not a line, it's a queue.

So they stand in the queue.

- Let's do it. Let's do it. - Ready? Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Going right into it.

And back. And oh.

Crowd goes wild.

♪ Now you, we don't stand in the queue ♪

Pelvic thrusts.

Bass kicks in.

Drums pick up.

- Y... you know it? - Parents get mad.

We still got it, girl.

- You know it, right? - Girl, you don't...

You really seriously don't know who they are?

- I don't know things. - Ugh.

- Oh. - Okay, okay.

- We have got to fix this immediately. - Mm-hmm.

Immediately.

- Oh. - Hey.

Uh, hey. I don't mean to invade your space.

Did you happen to see my Latchkey Ladz box?

Yes, actually, I did see it.

Where? Yeah. Right there.

- Thanks. - Ladz stuff.

Yeah. Thanks.

- What are you looking for? - Nothing. I was just...

I was just, uh, keeping myself occupied

while I'm grounded in the basement.

I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you in front of everyone.

No, it was my fault. I was being extremely weird.

No kidding.

But, hey, now that I know the hug isn't a big deal,

I just won't mention it.

It's not that it's not a big deal.

I mean, I was surprised

that you went on a date like... ... literal seconds

after we started our self-ploration.

- Yeah. - It took you ten days.

Ten days to even try the MORPHO machine.

I mean, you're not really a-a dive-into-the-lake

- kinda guy. - No, I'm not.

I mean, you've been wearing the same plaid shirt for 20 years.

I love my plaids.

So it's hard to not think like...

"Is this something that he's been planning?

Is this the person he's had an eye on?

- Like, are there genuine feelings there?" - Cass, no.

I pushed myself to go on a date with another person

because she was another person.

Because she looked at me differently,

which made me look at myself differently.

Which is exactly what we said we were trying to do.

Well...

- Can I ask you something? - Mm-hmm.

How do you hug someone for 40 seconds?

Uncomfortably.

Ian.

I don't understand. Which is it?

I just wanna know i-if you liked me back.

I thought you did, but, um...

I don't know.

When you didn't show up, I thought I must have been wrong.

Mr. J, just in time for dinner.

I got Tough Guy Turkey and Mighty Meatloaf. What do you think?

I think I've been blaming myself for something that wasn't my fault.

But...

I'm not gonna do that anymore,

and I just wanted to share that with you.

Mr. J,

it is a real honor that you chose to share that with me.

I do need an answer on dinner though.

I'll take the turkey.

Okay.

I will say, they've come a long way with their meatloaf.

My secret, you eat the brownie between bites of meat.

I'm gonna sleep at my own place tonight, Beau.

Sure, if that's what you want.

I've been thinking though,

maybe I could be your new emergency contact.

I'm pretty sure I can handle it on top of my sheriff duties

unless you keep having heart attacks.

I think I'll stop at one for now.

Mr. Johnson, what happened to your dots?

Ta-da.

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