Original subtitles

- This is not a drill.

This is not a fantasy.

This is your innerself.

This is your reality.

♪ Try, to find those voices outside ♪

♪ Try to find places to run and hide ♪

♪ Look for something but it's never been clear ♪

♪ Search for something but it's never been here ♪

♪ Look into yourself

♪ You'll be free

♪ Look into yourself

♪ It's who your meant to be

♪ Listen to yourself

♪ It's how its meant to be

♪ Listen to yourself

♪ Set your innerself free

♪ Wish for something you can't describe ♪

♪ Unimaginable, some other kind of life ♪

♪ Seems so dark you can't find a light ♪

♪ There's a voice inside, guiding you to right ♪

♪ Look into yourself

♪ Listen to yourself

This is not a drill. ♪ Trust your innerself

This is not a fantasy.

This is your innerself. ♪ I'm your innerself

This is your reality.

- Ed?

Ed?

Quit wasting your time watching

these stupid chop suey movies and get a job!

You are 27 for God's sake!

Oh my God.

Ed, this room is a mess.

Get rid of these bottles.

I ordered a pizza for you.

Go pick it up.

I'll be at Peter's, so don't wait up.

Well, you know the pizza won't walk here by itself.

Go get the food!

Why can't ...

Why can't he be a good son?

♪ Why can't he why can't he

♪ Be self-motivated

♪ Why can't he

♪ Why can't he change

♪ Oh why won't he why won't he

♪ Lose that dream so over-rated ♪

♪ Why won't he stop being so strange ♪

♪ I never thought I wouldn't love him ♪

♪ But he keeps pressing the envelope ♪

♪ I never thought I couldn't hug him ♪

♪ But he's on the most downward of slopes ♪

♪ Always the smoking

♪ Always the gaming and drinking ♪

♪ The movies those damn martial arts ♪

♪ He pretends he's a master

♪ His life is a complete disaster ♪

♪ Worth nothing more than my farts ♪

♪ I never thought I wouldn't love him ♪

♪ But he keeps making me mope

♪ I never thought I couldn't hug him ♪

♪ But he's really getting my goat ♪

♪ But tonight yes tonight

♪ I'll let my worries go away

♪ And then tomorrow I'll help my poor son ♪

♪ I'll be a good mother above every other ♪

♪ but tonight this mother needs some fun ♪

♪ I never thought I wouldn't love him ♪

♪ But actually it's me who needs some love ♪

♪ I never thought I couldn't hug him ♪

♪ But now's my time to have some fun ♪

♪ I never thought I wouldn't love him ♪

♪ But actually it's me who needs some love ♪

♪ I never thought I couldn't hug him ♪

♪ But now it's my time to rise above ♪

- Oh yeah!

Not bad, not bad.

Oh!

- I hate it when I get interrupted

in the middle of my training.

It only slows down my progress.

But, just gotta keep training and getting better.

Just gotta keep getting better.

♪ And I know that I gotta get better now ♪

♪ I wanna show you all I won't keep ♪

♪ Being treated like a chow

♪ That's right I'm a shining star ♪

♪ That's right none of you are on par ♪

♪ You can't mess with me no more ♪

♪ I can make your asses sore

♪ With the whoopin' that I'm puttin' ♪

♪ On the martial arts floor

♪ That's right I'm gonna go far ♪

♪ That's right I'm here to keep raising that bar ♪

♪ You're gonna feel the way I felt ♪

♪ Pushed into that locker

♪ You're gone feel the intimidation ♪

♪ Of being a loner

♪ I will no longer get hurt

♪ I will no longer be bullied

Because I am the master.

- Hey Ed.

Whatcha got there, Ed?

- Hi, Sean.

This is just a pizza for me and my mom.

- You got a pizza?

You mean you got us, me and my crew, a pizza for us, man.

- No, no, it's mine!

- Calm down, relax, you don't want any trouble do you?

- Uh, no.

- He's going back into turtle shell.

- Shut up!

- You have been very disrespectful.

- No.

- Yes you have.

- He thinks he's a kung fu master.

- What did I do?

When did this pain come along?

No matter where I go,

no matter where I am,

I am always so wrong.

Just always so wrong.

♪ Living life without an answer ♪

♪ It's so hard to just follow my dreams ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm living life with no chance for ♪

♪ Any way to sew up these seams ♪

♪ What did he do

♪ When did that little shit come along ♪

♪ No matter where I go

♪ No matter where I am

♪ He is in my head like a song

♪ Living life without answers

♪ It's so hard to follow my dreams ♪

♪ Living life with no chance for ♪

♪ Me to say whatever the hell I mean ♪

♪ Without him around

♪ My day would be way more peaceful ♪

♪ Without him around

♪ My day would be perfect

♪ Look at the spoils of victory ♪

♪ So neat and so

♪ Messy

♪ This happened so quickly

♪ Without a doubt

♪ We are not that different

♪ You know soon I'll be able to stand up high ♪

♪ I'll stand high as the Empire State ♪

♪ Because no one can mess with the master ♪

♪ Living life with an answer

♪ Now I can still follow my dreams ♪

♪ Living life with a chance for ♪

♪ To make them all bow down to their knees ♪

♪ Soon he'll be out of my life

♪ I'll be away from all the strife ♪

♪ I'm moving away yeah I'm not I'm not here to stay nah ♪

♪ I'm not staying here no

♪ I'm not freaking staying nah

♪ Once he is gone then I'll have one ♪

♪ And life will go on

♪ My life now has a chance for

♪ Every one will answer to me

♪ My life now has the chance for ♪

♪ Me to squash everyone's dreams ♪

- Hoo, ha, hiyah!

Hoo, ha, hiyah!

We are students of kung fu.

We'll make masters out of you.

Hoo, ha, hiyah.

Hoo, ha, hiyah.

We know all the secret moves.

Sign up today and go improve.

Hoo, ha, hiyah.

We are students of kung fu.

We'll make masters out of you.

Hoo, ha, hiyah.

Hoo, ha, hiya.

- Welcome to the Birch Knows Kung Fu dojo.

Hello?

- Sorry, I'm just looking.

- No problem.

Aren't they great?

- Spectacular.

- Yeah, aren't they?

So, what can I do for you?

What-- - Shh.

Just let me enjoy this a little bit longer.

- Hoo, ha, hiyah!

We know all secret moves.

- Sorry, you were saying?

- No problem.

Are you here for the free lesson?

- Mm-hm.

- Sensei Birch?

Sensei Birch, this ...

gentleman is inquiring about the free lesson.

- Yes, hello, welcome to Sensei Birch Knows Kung Fu dojo.

So you're here for a free lesson?

- Yes.

I'm interested in learning some kung fu here, Sensei Bitch.

- Haha, that's Birch, Sensei Birch.

- I mean Sensei Birch.

Yes, I want to learn after school.

- All are welcome who want to train here and learn our art.

So, tell us, why do you want to learn?

- What should I say to her?

Um, how about, I can be stronger with confidence?

No.

How about to learn the way of the Bushido and be humble?

No, that's not worldly enough.

Oh, how about to learn the Asian culture and history?

No, that's too lame.

Come on, think.

Maybe to have self-respect and discipline.

No.

Oh, I know!

- And to avenge my mother.

She was murdered while she was protecting me

from the Triads!

- I'm sorry.

I don't think this is the school for you.

We don't teach revenge here.

I think you need to go to a different dojo.

You have the wrong school.

- No!

I want you!

I mean, I need you, to teach me more.

I mean, I already know some kung fu already.

I just need you to give me that extra oomph

so I can get to the next level.

- I'm sorry, sir.

This is not the school for you.

If you could please go-- - No, I won't go!

- Why does he keep interrupting me?

- Please, Sensei Bitch, I mean Birch, please enlighten me.

I need to learn more.

Unless you think I'm better than everyone here,

or may be you've got nothing more to teach me.

- You know, you sure talk a lot.

And you interrupt a lot!

I'll tell you what, here's the deal.

If you can beat one of my students,

or shall I say interrupt them,

then you can train here.

- Easy.

Bring it on.

- Students.

Gather round.

Melody, come here.

I want you to take it easy on him, okay?

Okay.

- What the?

You want me to seriously, you want me to fight her?

She's a girl!

- You said you were good.

- But she's a girl! - So show me if you can.

Deal, or no deal.

- Fine.

- Please go easy on me.

- You may leave now.

- I'm absolutely certain that I can create

some amazing artwork for your school.

- Thank you, Stella.

Your art would look great on the walls of the dojo.

Hmm, very inspiring.

- Thank you.

- Thank you again.

Just give me a call when the piece is ready to be picked up.

- Absolutely.

Thanks. - Thanks.

- Have a good day. - You too.

Where the hell did you come from?

- I got you now!

Last time was a cheap shot, making me fight a little girl.

But this time I'm ready.

Where is that Sensei Bitch?

- Laura.

I think you can handle this situation.

- All right.

I'll be back.

- So we're thinking about doing a two-for-one kind of deal.

- Okay, I'm ready this time.

Where's that Sensei Bitch?

- Do you mind waiting until we're done eating?

Do you want to join us?

Here, have a seat.

It's good, right?

Glad you're enjoying the food.

We always come here.

So, Ed ...

Why do you really want to learn kung fu?

- When I was growing up, I was so different.

I was always slower than everybody else.

I didn't know anyone, and I didn't fit in,

so I found comfort watching martial art movies.

When we moved here, I was looking forward to school.

I was looking forward to meeting new friends.

Who knew that it wouldn't work out?

People just ignored me.

So I started to watch more kung fu movies

and learned from their moves, trying to learn something.

While at school, I just kept getting harassed and bullied.

Even during our school road trips,

kids would keep making fun of me

for how slow I was and not knowing how things worked.

I was a nobody that got blamed and pushed around a lot.

I got so tired of it that I continued

learning kung fu from home, watching from the TV,

hoping to have more confidence so that people would like me

and go bother someone else for a change.

And maybe, just maybe,

I could make one single friend, or more.

But that failed.

After high school, we all got an internship

at a local photography studio.

I was so happy, but only for a split second.

- Edward Ralph Turtle, come here!

I need four copies of this right away!

Stat!

Come on!

Come on, time is money!

Let's go!

My colleagues and even my boss started to make fun of me,

because I was so slow and because I was so different.

- Put that book away!

Come on!

Unbelievable!

Figure it out!

- So I wanted to learn kung fu even more,

to become a real master and beat everyone

that makes fun of me, or at least anyone

that tries to make fun of me in the future.

I won't take it!

- That's no way to learn any martial art because ...

♪ Once I was afraid I was petrified ♪

♪ Thought I was alone no one by my side ♪

♪ Then I learned kung fu completely on my own ♪

♪ Wasn't until I met Miss Birch I found I wasn't alone ♪

♪ I'm her guiding light when she's in the dark ♪

♪ Never been an opponent that we could not shark ♪

♪ If you think I'm a nobody I'll show you who I am ♪

♪ I'm a somebody with two guns baby ♪

♪ And those guns are my hands

All right, all right, enough talking, more eating.

Ed, have some more chickens feet.

And some tea to wash that down.

Yup.

Great.

All right.

So let's eat up.

So ...

- I sense trouble.

- Let's not get involved.

We have class starting in 10 minutes

and we need to get back to the school.

- Okay, today is my lucky day.

Where is she?

- Not today, Ed.

We need to get back to-- - Ha ta ta ta ta!

I've been practicing all day yesterday.

Sensei Bitch is going down.

Where is she?

- Ed.

What are you doing?

- I'm here to prove that I can beat 'em all.

- I want to see that, yeah.

- After I'm done beating all of them, you're next!

- You do remember what happened

like a couple weeks back, yeah?

- I don't even need to beat you.

In fact, Sensei Dave over here,

well, he can even beat you too.

He can mop the floor with you.

- Sensei Dave, huh?

Who in the hell does he think he is?

Master of the universe?

- Eye of fire, eye of wind, take me to the place of zen.

Eye of earth, eye of water, let me show them how to win.

Eye of fire, eye of wind, take me to the place of zen.

Eye of earth, eye of wind, let me show them how to win.

♪ Those eyes those eyes

♪ I've seen those eyes before

♪ They're fired with a spirit for sure ♪

♪ Those yes those eyes

♪ I've seen those eyes before

♪ A zen master spirit wants more ♪

♪ Take a listen to his chants

♪ They're calm, serene and peaceful. ♪

♪ They're seductive of course I need to resist ♪

♪ I need not to fearful

- Eye of fire, eye of wind, take me to the place of zen.

♪ Those eyes those eyes

♪ I've met those eyes before

♪ They feel like they can cut a hundred souls ♪

♪ Those eyes those eyes

♪ I fight those eyes wants more ♪

♪ Before I have embraced my inner peace ♪

♪ He will not reach me

♪ I'm tough like egg rolls

♪ I counter his calling without doubt ♪

♪ I have an idea no fighting anymore ♪

♪ I will not pay his tolls

- Eye of water, eye of wind, take me to the place of zen.

Eye of fire, eye of wind, let me show them how to win.

♪ Those eyes those eyes

♪ I won't see them anymore

♪ I can feel him struggling yes I do ♪

♪ Those eyes those eyes

♪ Getting weaker by the word

♪ It's time for me to beat him up ♪

- Dave.

Dave!

What?

♪ I'm tired I'm tired

♪ I'm tired of Ed getting the the gold ♪

♪ Damn I don't deserve this

♪ Each time each time I see him hanging around ♪

♪ He acts like he knows kung fu ♪

♪ He doesn't know a black belt from blue ♪

♪ And he calls himself an expert ♪

♪ Me, I train hard each and every day ♪

♪ I am the black belt master

♪ Look here look here

♪ Aren't my skills great

♪ I just want to beat Ed up

♪ I'm here I'm here

♪ Please throw me the bone

♪ I just wanna beat Ed up.

- Sean, you are awesome.

I never understood why you had to be so vicious

when you were already so good.

I mean, I think it's because you wanted me to get better,

but I thought you were training me,

you wanted to make me stronger,

and that's why I followed you.

- Did you really look up to me?

I'm sorry I was a jerk, man.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being mean to you, man.

- You know what?

No sweat.

Come here.

- This is incredible, man.

This just came out.

How do you have a copy?

- I actually met the main actor online

and he gave me this copy when I told him

I'm gonna be a great kung fu master.

- That's awesome, dude.

That's great.

- Ed, are you in there?

- Oh, hi, mom!

- Oh, I see you have a friend over.

- Miss Peterson.

- At least now you aren't all alone doing god knows what.

Anyway, Ed, meet Peter.

Peter, this is my son Ed.

I don't think you guys ever met before,

since we're always ...

busy.

- Nice firm grip.

You must work out.

- Him?

Work out?

All he does is sit in front of the TV doing dirty things.

- Mom!

♪ Day and night he does nothing ♪

♪ Pretending to know how to fight ♪

♪ Though he's never endured anything ♪

♪ He can't even sleep through the night. ♪

♪ Maybe it's just an illusion

♪ From that god awful instructor he sees ♪

♪ Maybe it's just a delusion

♪ There is no time for me

♪ Tonight I'm going to a party yeah ♪

♪ I have no time to waste.

♪ Tonight I'm going to cut loose woo ♪

♪ So come on let's make haste

♪ Soon will be out anniversary

♪ Made to be celebrated

♪ Tonight we're gonna have fun

♪ This night will never be evaded ♪

- Wait, you guys have only gone out for like a week.

What the hell anniversary is this?

- Okay, Ed, we are, um, heading out for our, uh, dinner.

Here's some cash for you to go get some Chinese ...

chop suey.

- Okay, we are off.

- Nice meeting you.

- Don't wait up.

- Hey, Ed.

- Hey, Sean.

- Where you going?

- I'm just heading to the dojo.

- Dojo?

To kick my ass again?

- No, I'm not kicking your ass.

You're not a mule.

- What?

Can I come with you?

- You want to learn some kung fu?

- Sure.

- Yeah.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

- Come on.

- Cool.

Hey, I'll see you guys later, okay?

- Sensei Bitch.

Sensei Birch.

- Just call me Sensei.

- Master.

I want to learn kung fu.

How much would it be for-- - Uh-uh.

Money is not the answer to everything.

What do you want to learn?

- I want to be like him.

I want any better than him actually.

- Okay.

Then you can start with this.

Cleaning.

Wipe on.

Wipe off.

Wipe on.

Wipe off.

- Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Eyes up front.

Back stiff straight.

Do not stand with that gait.

Do as I do.

Do as I say.

Are you crazy?

Put that phone away!

And I don't want to excuses,

especially not from the clueless.

Can I even make a hero of you?

It's gonna be a challenge.

We must conclude-- - Stop!

This story's about me!

I'm here to learn, Sensei Bitch.

Birch.

I'm here to learn, Sensei Birch.

- Yeah?

- Woo hoo hoo!

What?

I'm the master!

Bitch, give me somebody else to beat up.

Let's go.

- Ed!

What are you doing?

- He'll be all right.

He just needs some rest.

You two, take him to the back.

Ah!

Ah, come on, he's not done yet.

Come on, mutton chops, one more round.

Let's go, let's go.

All right, okay, fine.

I beat you.

You remember that.

Who's next?

You, ah, you're too skinny.

You, ah, you're too short.

You, nah, GPAs too low.

You got gloves on.

Let's go.

Come on.

- Ed, you better stop.

- What?

Stop me from beating your ass?

Don't waste my time.

Go back to the corner and clean, okay?

- Ed, stop.

- Sounds like you want to make me.

♪ When your mind is clear

♪ Your heart can be pure

♪ When you are free

♪ There's nothing you can't endure ♪

♪ It's time to be open

♪ Discover the possibilities

- Why are you helping him?

All right.

I don't need no sympathy.

I'll beat him by myself, show him who's boss.

♪ Then you can truly focus

♪ Just don't let your fears

♪ Overcome and slow us

♪ Remember your friends

♪ Are here to support you

♪ Even in the darkness

♪ You'll feel them too

♪ And the stars will guide you

- Why?

You bring no honor to this school.

You learn nothing.

Leave.

Don't come back

♪ I don't need him and I never have ♪

♪ Sure it's all about him

♪ Now he's the teacher's favorite ♪

♪ He's the enlightened one

♪ And I'm just a little kid

♪ No one cares about me

♪ And how I've improved with time ♪

♪ Now I'll beat them all

♪ Using my mind

♪ I don't need him I don't need them ♪

♪ I know enough already

♪ I can't beat anyone and I'll win you'll see ♪

♪ I can do it alone

♪ I don't need him I don't need them ♪

♪ I want them all to worship me ♪

♪ I want them to cower in fear

♪ And respect me

♪ But then I don't want them near ♪

♪ They can stay away

♪ But then again how will I see ♪

♪ Them after I display

♪ I'm a martial arts genius

♪ I don't need him I don't need them ♪

♪ They'll come crawling back to me ♪

♪ And I'll turn them away

♪ And all will bow to me

♪ I will be your master

♪ And someday I won't need any of them ♪

- Son of a bitch!

I'm so sorry.

Dude, I didn't--

You know what?

No.

You should have moved out of the way when you saw me coming!

- Ed?

Is that you?

- Junior?

Dude!

What are you doing here?

It's been forever.

- I'm just back home visiting my dad

and helping out around the house.

What is up with you?

Something seemed like it was wrong.

Is everything all right?

- Nothing, just, don't worry about it.

- Uh-huh, look, why don't you tell me about it,

'cause talking, it can help.

It can help you sort, straighten stuff.

- They betrayed me!

Okay?

A whole lot of shit happened.

They beat me up!

I beat them up!

I slapped a girl like three freakin' times,

and she was like 20 years old, I don't know.

Anyways!

So that's it!

Okay?

I don't know!

It was ...

I thought they were my friends.

- They aren't real friends.

Look, they were just using you.

I have to go run some errands for my dad,

but what if we meet up tomorrow and hang out then?

How's that sound?

- Okay.

- Yeah? - All right?

- Yeah, let's do it. - All right, cool.

- It's set. - All right, cool.

It's, uh ...

I'll just see you tomorrow.

♪ And so it begins

♪ And so his reign ends

♪ He'll never suspect a thing

♪ I'll have him begging then I'll sting ♪

♪ I'll butter him up make him think I'm a friend ♪

♪ Then I'll bring it crashing right down on his head ♪

♪ And so it begins

♪ And so his reign ends

♪ Is there better bait than a Judas kiss ♪

♪ No of course not ignorance is bliss ♪

♪ And he won't see it coming but come it will ♪

♪ And so it begins

♪ And so his reign ends

♪ The others won't trust him

♪ I'll make sure of it

♪ He is out of his element he is a house rat ♪

♪ Wouldn't you know it his time is up ♪

♪ Into the history books he goes ♪

♪ Along with all of his friends ♪

- Ed?

- Hey, man, that is awesome.

You know kung fu?

- Dear, it's not kung fu.

It's chop sueying.

- Good form, good stance.

It looks like you're learning well.

- Do you know king fu?

- Well, I dabbled when I was younger.

Just a first degree.

- Well, let's fight then, huh?

- No, no, no.

I'm way too old for that.

- Well, then I win then.

- Ed, I want you to meet Peter's son.

He's back home from school.

- You!

- Hey, Ed, long time no see.

- I guess they know each other.

- Yeah.

- Let's you and I head back down and let the kids hang.

- Actually, dad, we're gonna head out,

so you can have the house.

Ed, follow me.

- Look at 'em.

It's great to see them bonding.

Yeah, perhaps they'll become brothers some day.

- Daddy like.

- I guess it begins.

End of a friendship.

♪ And in return betrayal

♪ We used to have it all

♪ We could have taken the world ♪

♪ But now we're conquering each other ♪

♪ We couldn't even conquer a squirrel ♪

♪ Was there ever a time for compromise ♪

♪ We definitely missed that chance ♪

♪ Were there a time for the good guys ♪

♪ We couldn't make it a match

♪ You could say that I once cared for him ♪

♪ But clearly not anymore

♪ You could say that we were close but no ♪

♪ And now we're both just poor

♪ And on this eve of their demise ♪

♪ I find that I am charged

♪ There's nothing better than a friendship ♪

♪ That is frustrated

♪ Will they ever recover

♪ I'll ensure that they will not ♪

♪ It's time this ended yes

♪ It's time to fill the moat

♪ I'll have them spinning in circles ♪

♪ Around each other they go

♪ They'll never think it was me ♪

♪ Watch them both fall and squirm ♪

♪ To the ground

♪ I'll have them wishing they'd never come around ♪

- Isn't that Sean?

- No.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was him.

- How's he been?

- He's fine!

- Okay, that is a sour subject.

Avoid that.

Hey, look, we're friends.

Let's just go back to what we were doing.

- All right. - All right?

- Your form's okay. - Okay.

- You gotta bend your knees a little bit more.

Yeah.

And then widen your stance.

No. - No?

- No.

Do it again.

Do as I do.

Do as I say.

- Hoo, ha, hiyah!

Hoo, ha, hiyah!

We are students of kung fu.

We'll make masters out of you.

Hoo, ha, hiyah!

Hoo, ha, hiyah!

- What's wrong, Sean?

Why the long face?

- Master, I just saw Ed a couple minutes ago,

and he was with somebody, and Ed was teaching him kung fu.

- Don't worry about him.

He'll find the right path soon.

- Master, how do you know that?

- Hoo, ha, hiyah!

Hoo, ha, hiyah!

We know all the secret moves.

Sign up today and you'll improve.

Hoo, ha, hiyah!

Hoo, ha, hiyah!

We are students of kung fu.

Hoo, ha, hiyah!

Hoo, ha, hiyah!

We are students of kung fu.

We'll make masters out of you.

Hoo, ha, hiyah!

Hoo, ha, hiyah!

- This is supposed to be the best school in the city?

Yeah, it seems pathetic enough.

- Sir.

Are you here to learn?

- Who's in charge?

- I am.

- You're the person with the highest rank?

- Yes.

- Well then I'm here to challenge you to a duel.

- Sir.

This is a school of learning, of harmony.

- Harmony my arse!

Ed said this school is better than mine.

- Are you a friend of Ed's?

- Friend?

No, I'm his father.

And I heard what the school treated him.

And I'm here to make sure I teach you all a lesson.

- Sir, we did nothing wrong.

We simply asked Ed to leave.

This is not a school of vengeance or of bullying.

- Regardless, I'm not leaving

until I teach you all a lesson.

- I guess there's only one way to settle things with you.

Come.

- That's all you got?

Come on!

Get off me!

Guess you've learned your lesson.

You need to be training in my dojo.

This school can't teach you anything.

In fact, I'll give each of you 50% off for first year.

Just have to follow me now.

- Why didn't you help her out?

- There's a time for everything.

This will sort itself out.

- Hey, be careful with me!

I don't know how to fight.

- Sorry.

Now that you know how the--

- Sean!

What are you doing?

- You can ask him.

♪ He sent Peter to school

♪ The dojo solo

♪ To challenge Sensei Birch

♪ For real oh no

♪ He claimed it was necessary

♪ Only a fool

♪ To teach Sensei a lesson

♪ But that ain't cool

♪ And the Sensei said nah

♪ He's back against the wall

♪ Gave no way out

♪ What's that all about

♪ And uh why'd you do that

♪ He was good

♪ He kicked Sensei and he flew back ♪

♪ Like whoa

♪ The school is done

♪ Why you stressin'

♪ Many students left with him

♪ 'Cause he was impressive

♪ I don't know what you're talking about ♪

♪ Yes you do

♪ Maybe not

♪ I never ever told Peter

♪ To come up here and blow the spot ♪

♪ Then why he's here

♪ He already answered that

♪ Then I guess it was good that that bitch got slapped ♪

♪ Not Sensei Birch

♪ You gotta leave or apologize

♪ That's cool 'cause your school ♪

♪ Is about to get downsized

♪ Gone

♪ Why'd you say that

♪ Now it's on

♪ Y'all never taught me shit

♪ We did but you quit

♪ That school ain't all that

♪ I am cool where I'm at

♪ You still got a long way

♪ Don't talk to him the wrong way ♪

♪ Peter had skills

♪ For real I'm staying right here ♪

♪ Dad was the man in here

♪ He'll crush you like a can of beer ♪

♪ And you should say sorry right now real quick ♪

♪ To Sensei Birch

♪ You mean Sensei Bitch

♪ What

- I got him, man.

I got him.

- How could you, Ed?

Out of all the people, man!

- I told you, I didn't do anything!

- Dude, stop lying, man!

- I don't lie!

Why would I?

- Come on, Ed.

Let's get outta here.

Quit wasting time on this loser.

Yeah, and we can hit up my dad's school.

Maybe he can give me some pointers or two.

- Mary, this is a great dinner.

- Oh, yes.

Our little family all together at once.

Ed, why are you playing with your food?

Ed?

Edward!

- What?

- What's wrong?

- Nothing.

- So, Ed, how do you like my school?

- It's an awesome school.

Seeing all of the students learning over there.

And I can't thank you enough

for letting me teach them some of my moves.

- Oh?

He's teaching there now?

- Mm-hm.

- Well, not officially, but seeing that he is a black belt,

I figured I'd let him teach a bit.

- I loved it.

Thanks.

I'm gonna teach them to become great students.

- Look, they were all paying attention, learning new moves.

Ed was teaching.

- They even tried my moves during the sparring sessions.

And of course none of them dared to spar with me.

- No, that's because they all know they can't win.

- That's right.

They know you're a great warrior,

and they know you know great kung fu.

And that Sensei Birch, I don't know what she's teaching,

'cause obviously none of those students

are learning a thing.

- Personally, I thought she learned all her kung fu

from like a cereal box.

- What's that Dave guy about?

Isn't he supposed to be Sensei Birch's teacher or something?

- Mm-hm.

Yeah.

- You know, I don't think he knows any martial arts,

and that's why he never fights.

- No, he does.

- How do you know?

- I've seen it, when he helped me.

- But does he teach there?

- No, no, he just walks around mopping the floor.

I don't know, maybe he's just got OCD,

or maybe he's got nothing better--

You know what?

I bet you he's bored, he's just bored.

He's literally always cleaning.

- He probably needs to get laid more often.

But since he cleans all the time,

maybe he could come clean the house.

- That's probably the only skill he knows.

- You know, I wonder if I should challenge him.

You know, show him who's boss.

- You know what?

You should, you should.

You know why?

'Cause dad wouldn't even want to challenge you.

- That's right.

- No, you're great.

And again, I'm getting too old

to be fighting all this.

But you know, I don't think you can beat Dave.

- How do you know?

- Well, I'm just guessing.

He's never challenged you.

- Or, alternatively,

maybe he just doesn't think you're worth it.

- Not worth it?

I beat all his students!

I'm teaching at Peter's school!

How am I not worth it?

- He just thinks you're a little fly on the wall

that he can swat away.

- Ed, be respectful at the table.

We have guests.

- Seriously, though.

Can you beat him though?

I don't-- - I can.

He's too weak.

He doesn't practice much, so he's no match for me.

- Ed, calm down!

- I will force him to see that I'm great.

♪ I will

♪ I started training when I was in the crib ♪

♪ He won't

♪ It's always the same

♪ Nothing but fib fib fib fib

♪ I'm strong

♪ And now that I am older I found my purpose ♪

♪ He's wrong

♪ He thinks he's unique

♪ But really he is just furious ♪

♪ I'm right

♪ I know that I got something different ♪

♪ Something no one else has

♪ He's right

♪ It's called delusions of grandeur ♪

♪ Friends flock to him en masse ♪

- That's right.

Tell him off.

♪ I've become

♪ I've got the skills I need to make it ♪

♪ He's done

♪ Make it to who the dumpster

♪ Those are the only skills he has ♪

♪ I will

♪ And it's there for the reaching ♪

♪ I'm gonna take it

♪ He definitely won't with that bitch he's seeing ♪

♪ Just 'cause

Birch.

It's Birch.

♪ I have

♪ I followed all his orders

♪ I did everything he asked for ♪

♪ And he did so with such ease

♪ He hasn't

♪ I just don't believe it

♪ He's just passing proverbial gas ♪

Could you pass me the literal salt please?

♪ I'm strong

♪ No I'm stronger than ever

♪ He's stronger and more clever ♪

♪ He's wrong

♪ I'm not buying any of this

♪ Why do I put up with him

Sing it, mama.

Strength?

He doesn't know the meaning of the word.

♪ Yes I do

♪ It means withstanding great force and pressure ♪

♪ He's certainly puts up with both of you ♪

♪ Force and pressure

♪ You couldn't stand up to a housefly ♪

♪ Yes yes that is for sure

- I won!

I won every battle with gusto and poise.

♪ He made something of himself

♪ Coming up from all this noise ♪

♪ He lost

♪ Which one of you is gonna clean these boys ♪

Not me.

♪ I'm great

♪ Now they're turning against me ♪

♪ Telling me to surrender my will ♪

♪ He's late

♪ And what about the garbage that is ♪

♪ Yet to be taken out still

♪ They're jealous of his newfound courage ♪

- That's it!

I've had it!

This is over!

The next time I come into this room,

the dishes better be done, and the garbage

better be out, or heads are gonna roll.

Do I make myself clear?

- Yes, mom.

- That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

- Sifu?

Sifu.

I am worried about Ed.

- Oh.

- It's not like him.

I mean, he's neurotic and everything,

but he would not, like,

hurt people who wants to help him.

- His eagerness the show that he's better.

His need want to fit in.

That's the real issue.

- What?

- He's always been a loner, right?

No friends growing up?

And you always harassed him, bullied him.

Then he created a barrier.

- Barrier.

- Remember when you were a child,

wondering about the world with curiosity, a little fear,

asking random questions, exploring new possibilities?

And then you got older, and people started to say,

"No, you can't do that.

"You should focus on this instead."

And then they start to label you

as introvert, extrovert, stubborn or weak.

And maybe they even bully you

because you can't live up to a certain standard.

All of these bump ups make you want to create a barrier.

We all have these barriers that protect our authentic self.

Think of it this way.

It's like wrapping multiple blankets around yourself

when you're a child to protect yourself

from the monsters under the bed.

But those monsters now are people.

At the core, you're still the same child,

but you behave differently because you have all these layers

you carry around with you to protect yourself.

So, now you're more a product of,

you know, a reflection of your circumstances

than your true authentic self.

- Then what should we do?

I mean, we can't let him fall down the rabbit hole.

- No, we won't let that happen.

But I have a feeling everything's gonna work out soon.

- How do you know?

You psychic?

I like the new drone.

- Yeah?

This one is for speed and racing, but this one

is more suitable and stable to be a filmmaker.

- Yeah, he's try to be a filmmaker to make millions.

- Nothing wrong with dreaming big.

- What else can this thing do?

- You can race it.

There's like really cool things

where they like race through at night.

Be careful.

- Wasting time, I see.

So, is Dave at the dojo?

- Ed, what is this?

- I'm going to challenge him.

- You know, show him who's the boss.

- He's your teacher, man.

- He's not my teacher!

He didn't teach me shit!

But once I beat him,

everyone will know that I'm the greatest.

- Dude, you don't have to prove anything to anyone, man.

- He sure does!

Dave's been holding him back.

Ed, ignore them.

Let's get back to the dojo.

- You'll have to fight me then.

- Don't be silly.

You're no match for me.

- Hey Ed, why don't you use him for warmup?

Maybe teach him a lesson or two.

- Yeah, like how he always bullied you.

Show him how it's done now.

- Ed, I'm sorry for what I've done.

It was messed up.

But this doesn't make it right.

- Save it!

Your whole life, you always thought you were on top

while you looked down at the rest of us.

- You think your still better than me?

- No, I just ...

- All right, I guess I'm just gonna have

to teach you a lesson.

- Get him!

Think I can't beat you?

That's ridiculous!

Woo!

I'm the best!

- Yes, you are.

- Dude, that was amazing.

I cannot believe you could do that!

- Call Sifu.

- Yeah, go warn him.

Go ahead.

- Hey, it's me.

You gotta head over to the dojo quick.

Ed's on his way to challenge Dave.

You gotta warn Sensei Birch.

Hurry.

- Yeah, let 'em know that Master Ed's

coming to beat them up!

- Let's go.

- Let's do it!

- Just like I thought.

And still pathetic.

- Sir.

You won, okay?

There's no reason to return to humiliate us.

- But it's so much fun.

However, this time ...

it's not me.

Ed.

- Ed?

- Sensei Birch.

Nice to see you.

Hope all is well.

Anyways, where's Dave?

- He's here.

Is there something I can help you with?

- No.

I'm here to challenge him.

- You know this is not right.

Be respectful!

- Ed, he's avoiding you,

because he knows he's better than you.

- Junior, you're right.

He thinks he's wasting time fighting you.

- No!

I want to fight him right now!

You hear me?

I want to fight him right now,

or I'm tearing this place apart!

- No need to fight over me.

- Ah, you're Dave.

Yeah, you can defeat him no problem.

You got this.

- Ed, how you been?

- Sifu.

Oh, okay.

I'm just here to, uh ...

- No need to rush.

Take a deep breath.

Breathe.

I'm here.

- Ed, this is your time.

Show him who's the real boss.

♪ He is your master

♪ He is your weakest link.

♪ He's nice to you

♪ He thinks you're an ignorant fink ♪

♪ He taught kung fu

♪ And what do you remember

♪ He took care of you

♪ So that he can break and exploit you ♪

♪ I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed

♪ I'm here to deliver the news

♪ You'll need my advice for what's coming very soon ♪

♪ I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed

♪ Don't listen to this buffoon

♪ Find your path choose your destiny and beat up this goon ♪

- How is this exploitation?

♪ Open your eyes and pay attention ♪

Yeah, but my body is fitter than ever.

♪ He wants to make your body mealy ♪

I can't believe that I am listening

to your stupid thesis

♪ Well don't fall for it

♪ It's an illusion

♪ He's here to tear you to pieces ♪

♪ I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed

♪ I'm here to deliver the news

♪ You'll need my advice for what's coming very soon ♪

♪ Listen to me

♪ Nah listen to me

♪ I'm here to tell you the plan ♪

♪ Find your path choose your destiny ♪

♪ Just don't kick the can

♪ He wants you to have discipline ♪

♪ So that you're panic stricken ♪

♪ So you can have confidence

♪ He's trying to keep you inside a fence ♪

♪ So you can be a better man

♪ So I can

♪ I mean you can

♪ Do you know what it means to be a man ♪

♪ It means you're big and strong ♪

♪ No it means you're respectful courageous and thoughtful ♪

♪ He's doing it so you can't have freedom ♪

♪ Oh my head hurts

♪ So you can be humble

♪ A weaker man than you've been ♪

♪ Humble is not weak

♪ Oh yes it is it's weak weak weak ♪

♪ I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed

♪ I'm here to deliver the news

♪ You will need my advice for what's coming very soon ♪

♪ I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed

♪ Listen to me I'm your boon

♪ Find your path choose your destiny ♪

♪ And don't listen to this goon ♪

- Ed?

Ed!

Get yourself together!

- No!

I won't fight him.

Dave's never hurt me before.

- But he won't fight you, so he thinks he's better!

- No!

It's not because he thinks he's better.

It's because he knows he doesn't have to.

Sean!

I'm so sorry for what I did.

Are you okay?

- Sifu, did you guys fight already?

- Seafood here, seafood there.

Who's cooking?

This is ridiculous!

I came to see a fight, not a makeup love story.

- No!

We don't need to fight!

I understand now.

It only makes things worse, Junior!

- Understand what?

That he's better than you?

That you never--

That you--

That you always had someone around you,

so you were never alone?

That you took Sean away from me?

- What?

- Drama!

- We were good friends.

When you moved to town, you were so weird,

and everyone hated you.

And Sean hated you so much that he quit talking to me.

'Cause all he wanted to do was hurt you.

- Stat!

Come on!

Come on, time is money!

Let's go!

You're impossible!

Put that away!

We don't have time for that!

Figure it out!

You have gotten slower, if that's even possible.

- Yeah, we were like brothers,

and then you came in and destroyed everything.

So I got depressed, and so my dad sent me to a "hospital".

I stayed there ever since.

We were so close.

We could have beat Dave and that Sensei Bitch.

And my dad would have married Ed's mom,

and then he and I would legally be brothers,

so I'd finally have a friend.

You.

And you will finally be alone,

so you'll know how it feels Sean.

'Cause that's the plan.

You will finally understand what it is like to be alone.

- Junior, you're weird.

All this happened years ago, years ago, man.

Let it go, get some help, and chill.

- He's got a lot of anger.

I think he needs a hug.

- You know what?

Enough of this sentimental crap!

This is boring.

I came here to see a show, people.

Hey, I got an idea.

I say we beat 'em all up.

- That sounds like a good idea, dad.

- Yeah, but we're gonna have to leave Ed out of this.

I wouldn't know what to tell his mommy.

- Okay.

- Let me.

I think it's time.

Welcome home, Ed.

- Man, I am so sick of this sentimental garbage.

Hey, Junior.

Watch your pops beat him like a volleyball.

- You got this, dad!

Not bad for a janitor.

But then again, I'm just getting warmed up.

- See that?

- Shh!

- Dad, you okay?

- Shut up!

- Okay.

- It's just like dancing.

- It is.

- Dad?

Dad, I think that um--

- What?

That I'm not good enough?

You're still a pathetic idiot!

Don't you see I got him bouncing around?

Like a bouncing ball!

- I think it's time for him to leave.

- Not while I still have the upper hand.

- Sensei!

- I can't move!

I can't move!

What kind of magic is this?

Why can't I move?

- Pressure points, my friend.

No magic.

Pressure points.

It's time for you to leave.

- Dad!

- That was so cool!

- Sifu, wow!

- Wait, can you teach us?

- How'd you do it?

How'd you do that?

- I wanna learn that. - Now.

- Can we do that? - Please.

- Please. - Today?

- Where'd you learn that from?

- Ancient Chinese secret.

- What!

- Hey Sean, you get out much?

- Ed, you gotta be the moves man.

Be the moves.

- All right, let's do this.

- Oh, what are you guys watching?

- A movie.

Oh, thanks mom.

- OMG.

He's polite!

I don't know what you did, but I like it.

- We're watching a movie.

- My bad.

♪ I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed

♪ I'm here to deliver the news

♪ You will need my advice for what's coming very soon ♪

♪ I'm good Ed I'm bad Ed

♪ Don't listen to this buffoon

♪ Pick your path choose your destiny and beat up this goon ♪

♪ I'm good Ed I'm Bad Ed

♪ I'm here to deliver the news

♪ You will need my advice for what's coming very soon ♪

♪ Listen to me

♪ Nah listen to me

♪ I'm here to tell you the plan ♪

♪ Find your path choose your destiny ♪

♪ Just don't kick the can

- Then I would start with ...

this.

- That's good.

Back to one.

Cut that.

- Scene 37 H, take one.

- You walked too far.

- I did.

- I'm here to challenge you to a duel.

I said, I'm here to challenge you to a du--

- Are you here to learn?

- I don't know my lines.

Damn!

- Master, I just saw Sean a couple--

- Everyone will know that I'm the greatest.

- You don't have to prove anything to anyone.

- Cut.

- Going to to a dojo so you can kick my ass again?

- Ed, ignore them.

Let's get to the dojo to .

God!

- I can't beat you?

That's ridiculous!

- What the just happened?

I slipped on ice cream.

- Down.

And push.

- You know it's supposed to be the other way, right?

- Block.

No, you're great.

Don't know my frickin' line, but you are great.

- He's too weak.

He doesn't practice much, and he's no match for me.

- Ed, calm down.

- I got him!

- Stay down!

- Cut.

That looked good.

Go ahead.

- Hoo, ha, hiyah.

Hoo, ha, hiyah.