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1
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"Barney's Kid."
2
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Who?
3
00:00:08,976 --> 00:00:10,920
There's a horse running
in the third tomorrow
4
00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:12,422
named Barney's Kid.
5
00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:13,556
I can't pass that up.
6
00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:14,691
Oh, man.
7
00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:16,393
I didn't know you
were a hunch player.
8
00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:17,394
I'm not.
9
00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:19,451
I just got a feeling about it.
10
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:23,533
Hey Nick, how much
money would you have
11
00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:25,235
if you never bet on a horse?
12
00:00:25,259 --> 00:00:27,537
Oh, I'd have about
five or six thousand.
13
00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:29,706
But if I never bet a loser,
14
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,963
I'd have about three million.
15
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,200
Tough choice, ain't it?
16
00:00:37,404 --> 00:00:39,548
Wojo, you got,
uh, applications in
17
00:00:39,572 --> 00:00:41,539
for the sergeant's exam again.
18
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:46,156
Do you wanna
give it another shot?
19
00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:47,478
Nah.
20
00:00:49,649 --> 00:00:52,009
I blew it twice already.
21
00:00:52,852 --> 00:00:55,265
Wojo, did you know
that Albert Einstein
22
00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:57,067
flunked Mathematics in school?
23
00:00:57,091 --> 00:00:58,535
You're kidding.
24
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:01,237
Went on to become the
"Father of the Nuclear Age."
25
00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:03,440
Really?
26
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:05,096
Think about it.
27
00:01:09,837 --> 00:01:10,814
Hey, Nick.
28
00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:12,181
Yeah?
29
00:01:12,205 --> 00:01:15,340
Uh, did you know that
Einstein flunked Math in school?
30
00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:19,178
So did I.
31
00:01:22,849 --> 00:01:25,795
That's right. And... And...
And y-you made sergeant.
32
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:27,330
Huh.
33
00:01:27,354 --> 00:01:30,822
Heh. Just goes to
show you, don't it?
34
00:01:33,126 --> 00:01:35,761
Polish Dream in the fourth.
35
00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:41,711
Good Evening, Fish.
36
00:01:41,735 --> 00:01:45,515
That's a very lovely
thought, but I don't think so.
37
00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:48,518
How you doing, Fish? Just
get back from the beach?
38
00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:50,453
No, I've been to the doctor.
39
00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:53,490
A man with 26 years
of formal training
40
00:01:53,514 --> 00:01:56,326
and this is the best
he can come up with.
41
00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:57,727
I have to make a choice:
42
00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:59,496
I can spend the rest
of my life sitting on...
43
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:03,300
On this thing,
or resort to brutal
44
00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:04,801
and degrading surgery.
45
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:05,835
Same old thing, huh?
46
00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:07,893
Mm-hm, yeah.
47
00:02:10,597 --> 00:02:13,509
Listen, from
what I hear, it's...
48
00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:15,912
It's not a very
serious operation.
49
00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:17,880
I mean, it's uncomfortable
and inconvenient
50
00:02:17,904 --> 00:02:19,282
but not serious.
51
00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:22,152
That's what I hear, but
I've never had an operation.
52
00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:25,422
I still have my tonsils.
53
00:02:25,446 --> 00:02:28,780
You don't suppose, uh,
there's some connection?
54
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,329
I doubt it.
55
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:39,603
Twelfth Precinct, Det.
Sgt. Amenguale speaking.
56
00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:42,071
Oh. All right. Fine.
57
00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:43,072
Uh... Uh... Right.
58
00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:44,340
Okay, we'll be right there.
59
00:02:44,364 --> 00:02:47,110
Barney, fight broke out
at the Pine Room Grill.
60
00:02:47,134 --> 00:02:48,878
Greenwich Hotel.
61
00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:50,579
They're off and
running early tonight.
62
00:02:50,603 --> 00:02:52,215
Well... Okay. Take Nick.
63
00:02:52,239 --> 00:02:54,083
Nick. Come on, let's go.
64
00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:55,518
We got, uh, business. Okay.
65
00:02:55,542 --> 00:02:57,020
But I give you fair warning:
66
00:02:57,044 --> 00:03:00,144
I'm retiring after the
fourth race tomorrow.
67
00:03:02,549 --> 00:03:04,927
Twelfth Precinct. Wojciehowicz.
68
00:03:04,951 --> 00:03:07,330
Oh, uh, yeah, Bernice.
Just a second. Hey, Fish.
69
00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:08,798
Yeah. Line two.
70
00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:10,866
Oh.
71
00:03:10,890 --> 00:03:14,537
Hello. Yes, Bernice.
72
00:03:14,561 --> 00:03:16,238
Yes, he examined me
73
00:03:16,262 --> 00:03:19,175
and, uh, said what he's
been saying for 18 years:
74
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,565
I need an operation.
75
00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:24,080
Well, at least we'll
save some money.
76
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:25,881
All the ointment
I've been buying
77
00:03:25,905 --> 00:03:27,672
for 20 years, uh...
78
00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:33,490
we could have
bought a... A boat.
79
00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:35,825
Don't cry. Don't cry, Bernice.
80
00:03:35,849 --> 00:03:38,316
You'll just aggravate
my condition.
81
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,732
Well, I'm giving
it some thought.
82
00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:45,067
I-I-I'm thinking about it.
83
00:03:45,091 --> 00:03:48,571
No, I don't think it's something
we should discuss together.
84
00:03:48,595 --> 00:03:50,306
It's not, uh...
85
00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:53,565
It's not as though they're
community property.
86
00:03:56,603 --> 00:03:58,270
Goodbye, Bernice.
87
00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:02,278
Uh,
88
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:05,614
Fish, uh, a-anything
I can do for you?
89
00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:07,906
Nothing that counts.
90
00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:12,288
Well, uh... Uh, y-you
think of something, you...
91
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,890
You be sure and let
me know, all right?
92
00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:15,146
Thank you.
93
00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:22,298
Hey, Fish. Huh?
94
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:26,169
What...? Uh... Yeah?
95
00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:28,705
Uh, what...? What...?
What do you think are the...?
96
00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:32,508
The three most
i-important, uh, r-requisites
97
00:05:32,532 --> 00:05:35,244
for sergeant in the
New York Police force?
98
00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:36,913
Why?
99
00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:39,448
Well, I'm taking the exam again.
100
00:05:39,472 --> 00:05:41,039
Uh, I need your help.
101
00:05:42,909 --> 00:05:44,420
Well,
102
00:05:44,444 --> 00:05:47,890
sergeant of detectives
has to be a courageous,
103
00:05:47,914 --> 00:05:50,359
natural leader.
104
00:05:50,383 --> 00:05:55,131
Should have a keen
eye for minute details.
105
00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:57,522
Ugh. And he should drink...
106
00:06:06,766 --> 00:06:09,800
And he should
drink plenty of water.
107
00:06:13,473 --> 00:06:14,717
Really hurts, huh?
108
00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:17,019
Oh, it's killing me.
109
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,120
If I didn't have to be
110
00:06:18,144 --> 00:06:20,056
such a courageous
and natural leader,
111
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:23,414
I'd stand up on my
chair and scream.
112
00:06:24,451 --> 00:06:27,430
Well, uh, hang in there.
113
00:06:31,525 --> 00:06:34,203
It's not... Not... Not the
worst operation you ever had.
114
00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:37,206
I never had an
operation in my life.
115
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,208
You're kidding.
116
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:42,099
Why would I kid you?
117
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:45,248
I don't know. I, uh...
118
00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:47,617
You just always
struck me as a man
119
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:50,121
who had a lot of operations.
120
00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:54,991
Hey, uh, Fish? Yeah?
121
00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:56,493
You know Detective,
uh, Dickerson
122
00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:58,094
over at Manhattan South? Yeah.
123
00:06:58,118 --> 00:06:59,829
He just had this
very same operation.
124
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:01,263
And today, he's a new man.
125
00:07:01,287 --> 00:07:04,200
I mean, he plays golf,
tennis, handball, goes dancing.
126
00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:06,491
Can he sit?
127
00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:11,241
Uh, I never saw him do that.
128
00:07:15,134 --> 00:07:16,913
Uh, Barney, can I help
you with something?
129
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,915
No, I just gotta get
something out of the files.
130
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,950
Uh, Just tell me
what it is. I'll get it.
131
00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:25,255
Requisition files for,
uh, last quarter of '75.
132
00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,556
Thank you. Coming right up.
133
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:30,793
Fish. Yeah?
134
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:34,920
We're starting to stick
out like sore thumbs.
135
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:50,401
I'd settle for that.
136
00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:55,718
Okay. All right. All right!
Knock it off, gentlemen.
137
00:07:55,742 --> 00:07:57,386
You're in the
proverbial jug now, huh?
138
00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:58,488
What have we got here?
139
00:07:58,512 --> 00:08:00,055
Oh, this is our
commanding officer,
140
00:08:00,079 --> 00:08:01,423
Captain Barney Miller.
141
00:08:01,447 --> 00:08:04,994
Barney, I'd like you to meet
Dr. Alvin Crane of Manhattan
142
00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:06,662
and Mr. Phillip
Shroeder of likewise.
143
00:08:06,686 --> 00:08:07,697
Gentlemen.
144
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:09,232
Charging each
other with assault.
145
00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:10,733
Greenwich Hotel
is charging them.
146
00:08:10,757 --> 00:08:13,035
Disturbing the peace. Empty
your pockets over there.
147
00:08:13,059 --> 00:08:14,404
You, over here. Huh? Thank you.
148
00:08:14,428 --> 00:08:17,173
I hesitate to ask this
question, but who started it?
149
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:19,509
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
150
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:21,644
One at a time. Doctor.
151
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,980
He spit an olive in my face.
152
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:25,848
I didn't spit. I coughed.
153
00:08:25,872 --> 00:08:28,184
Um, uh, listen to that.
As if a trained physician
154
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:31,053
can't tell the difference
between a spit and a cough.
155
00:08:31,077 --> 00:08:33,022
All that training doesn't
seem to screen out
156
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:35,892
the hacks and butchers that
pass themselves off as doctors.
157
00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:38,116
Oh, God.
158
00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:41,698
Sure, more proselytizing.
159
00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:43,132
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Doctor.
160
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:44,901
Doc, you're in a police station.
161
00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:46,569
Publicity to shove
your rates... Hey.
162
00:08:46,593 --> 00:08:47,871
How would you like a little...?
163
00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:49,239
Would you please sit down here?
164
00:08:49,263 --> 00:08:50,940
Take it easy, huh?
Sit down, there, huh?
165
00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:53,176
Barney, Mr. Shroeder is
in the insurance business.
166
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,445
They were discussing
malpractice premiums, see?
167
00:08:55,469 --> 00:08:57,213
Ah, any fatalities?
168
00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:58,781
No, it was a
philosophic discussion.
169
00:08:58,805 --> 00:09:00,116
But then it degenerated
170
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:02,518
into pummeling and
obscene language.
171
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:03,686
We have two lady witnesses,
172
00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:04,854
by the way. Mm.
173
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,422
They were suckin'
up boilermakers
174
00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:07,912
at the end of the bar.
175
00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:13,663
Gentlemen, I'm ashamed of you.
176
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:15,931
Two obviously intelligent
professional men
177
00:09:15,955 --> 00:09:16,932
who are incapable of...
178
00:09:16,956 --> 00:09:18,301
Of articulating a point of view
179
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:19,669
without resorting to violence.
180
00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:21,370
I'm up to here with thievery.
181
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,172
Yeah, well, how
about incompetence
182
00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:24,874
and kickbacks and
featherbedding?
183
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,842
Not to mention
unnecessary surgery.
184
00:09:26,866 --> 00:09:29,334
Oh, God!
185
00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:33,716
Okay, you... You just
hold on right there.
186
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:36,119
Barney, Barney, there's
heist going on in a jewelry store
187
00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:37,486
over on Sixth Avenue right now.
188
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:38,888
Security guard across the street
189
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,856
saw a flashlight in the
window. Patrol cars?
190
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:42,625
They're on their way.
Barn, here you go.
191
00:09:42,649 --> 00:09:43,992
Uh, go with Wojo. Okay.
192
00:09:44,016 --> 00:09:45,728
And no heroics, huh?
193
00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:47,263
Don't go in without a backup.
194
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:49,232
Speaking of jacked up prices,
195
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:50,800
may I call my lawyer?
196
00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:51,901
Certainly.
197
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,102
Uh, Mr. Shroeder,
198
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:55,238
you're entitled to the
same: one phone call.
199
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:56,472
Oh, I don't need a lawyer.
200
00:09:56,496 --> 00:09:58,897
I'm covered for
this sort of thing.
201
00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:07,183
Can I help you?
202
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:09,852
Why, that's a
very generous offer
203
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:13,089
because sometimes
it moves too fast
204
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,612
to make friends.
205
00:10:15,748 --> 00:10:17,893
What moves too fast?
206
00:10:17,917 --> 00:10:20,195
The escalator of life,
207
00:10:20,219 --> 00:10:22,465
on its way to
that biggest of all
208
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:24,889
mezzanine.
209
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,336
That's a very profound thought.
210
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:28,771
You must be a philosopher, huh?
211
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,995
No, I'm a bum. A bum.
212
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,010
Well, what, uh, do we have here?
213
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:35,477
Oh, Barney, this is a bum.
214
00:10:35,501 --> 00:10:37,480
Uh, he's known
by the name of Mr...
215
00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:39,315
Randolph Cook.
216
00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:43,486
My friends call me Randy
or Randolph or Cook.
217
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:45,755
Uh, what can we do for you?
218
00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:47,423
I'm, uh, Captain Miller.
219
00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:49,825
Is that like Sargent Shriver?
220
00:10:49,849 --> 00:10:53,562
The name is Barney
Miller. The rank is captain.
221
00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:55,520
Barney, it's a pleasure.
222
00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:57,800
Uh, heh,
223
00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,868
little busy around
here, uh, Randy.
224
00:11:00,893 --> 00:11:01,904
What can we do for you?
225
00:11:01,928 --> 00:11:05,107
Barney, I am a man of the land.
226
00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:08,110
And as such, I
sleep wherever I can.
227
00:11:08,134 --> 00:11:10,546
Even if it means
sleeping in the dirt.
228
00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:12,248
I can see that.
229
00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:14,116
I love to sleep outside.
230
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:16,552
But not in New York City.
231
00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:18,888
Ah. Because there are just
232
00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:22,813
too many people trying
to run the wrong way.
233
00:11:24,417 --> 00:11:26,696
On the escalator of life.
234
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,798
Charming, charming.
235
00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:31,167
But I'm afraid our
accommodations here
236
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,702
are quite limited,
as you can see.
237
00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:34,336
Oh, I don't require much space.
238
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,539
I'm afraid we're not
in the hotel business.
239
00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:40,197
Ah, yes, but you
do arrest vagrants.
240
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:44,113
Check and mate.
241
00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:46,215
Why don't you have
a seat, uh, Randy.
242
00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:48,818
Uh, thank you, Barney.
243
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,823
Twelfth Precinct. Yemana.
244
00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:55,524
Yeah, he's here.
245
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,526
You wanna hang on?
246
00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,428
Okay. Hey, Fish.
247
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:01,864
Yeah? The, uh,
admissions, uh, office
248
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:03,732
from, uh, Herkimer
General Hospital
249
00:12:03,756 --> 00:12:05,501
is on line one.
250
00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:07,325
Thanks.
251
00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:13,276
Gonna do it?
252
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:16,134
I'm just getting some
quotes. That's all.
253
00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:21,650
It's best to get it over with.
254
00:12:21,674 --> 00:12:25,021
A few days rest, relaxation.
255
00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:26,422
Sponge baths.
256
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:29,258
I don't like hospitals.
257
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:32,216
They're full of sick
people and relatives.
258
00:12:34,821 --> 00:12:37,767
Yes, this is, uh, Sergeant Fish.
259
00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:41,570
I, uh, was thinking of
having some surgery done
260
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:45,708
and I wanted to inquire
as to your rates. Uh...
261
00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:49,734
Uh, how much do you
charge for a private room?
262
00:12:55,207 --> 00:12:57,875
What is it for one day?
263
00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:02,547
That is for one day?
264
00:13:04,851 --> 00:13:06,629
And that parasite is
one of the reasons...
265
00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:07,997
Who are you calling a parasite?
266
00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:10,432
Take it easy. Sit down.
267
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:12,902
You know, your insurance
rates wouldn't be nearly so high
268
00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:14,804
if these hotshot doctors
weren't so anxious
269
00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:16,005
to get back to the golf course
270
00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:17,873
that they rush around
and leave their tools
271
00:13:17,897 --> 00:13:19,241
inside their patients.
272
00:13:19,265 --> 00:13:21,010
You've never made a
mistake in your work?
273
00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:22,544
Just sit down. Hey, hey.
274
00:13:22,568 --> 00:13:23,946
We're only human, you know.
275
00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,981
Oh, God.
276
00:13:27,774 --> 00:13:30,552
All right! Just take it easy.
277
00:13:30,576 --> 00:13:32,421
You'll find yourself
in jail for a few days,
278
00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:34,590
away from that precious
work you're arguing about.
279
00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:35,858
I don't care.
280
00:13:35,882 --> 00:13:37,560
I'm on strike anyway.
281
00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:40,128
I closed my office to
remind my colleagues
282
00:13:40,152 --> 00:13:42,932
that what happens in
California happens in New York
283
00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:44,354
and vice versa.
284
00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:46,335
What's he mean?
285
00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,793
I think the Dodgers
are coming back.
286
00:13:52,898 --> 00:13:54,577
Twelfth Precinct. Yemana.
287
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,579
Yeah.
288
00:13:56,603 --> 00:14:00,382
Yeah. You're kidding.
289
00:14:00,406 --> 00:14:01,550
Yeah.
290
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:03,018
Barney, that was dispatch.
291
00:14:03,042 --> 00:14:04,786
Uh, there was
somebody in the jeweler's.
292
00:14:04,810 --> 00:14:06,121
A-and he got away.
293
00:14:06,145 --> 00:14:08,890
Harris and Wojo are chasing
him through the sewers.
294
00:14:08,914 --> 00:14:09,991
Through the sewers?
295
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:12,861
Yeah. Down there?
296
00:14:12,885 --> 00:14:15,085
I'd better wait.
297
00:14:25,732 --> 00:14:28,966
I could be obstructing justice.
298
00:14:37,343 --> 00:14:38,553
Two more for first class.
299
00:14:38,577 --> 00:14:40,155
Okay, inside, gentlemen.
300
00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:42,224
Dr. Crane, Mr. Cook.
Mr. Cook, Dr. Crane.
301
00:14:42,248 --> 00:14:44,293
Mr. Shroeder, Mr. Cook.
Mr. Cook, Mr. Shroeder.
302
00:14:44,317 --> 00:14:47,362
Inside. No spitting on the
floor and no gambling, okay?
303
00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:49,565
Hey Barney, we
got prints, pictures,
304
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:50,700
and the complaints.
305
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:52,802
What do you wanna
do with them now?
306
00:14:52,826 --> 00:14:54,570
I think it's entirely
up to them.
307
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:56,693
Nice to have control of
your own destiny, ain't it?
308
00:14:57,764 --> 00:14:59,575
Don't ask me. Heh-heh.
309
00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:02,111
Gentlemen, I'm gonna
need your signatures
310
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:04,046
on these complaint forms
311
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:06,682
charging each
other with assault.
312
00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:08,884
And I, uh, spoke
to the management
313
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,754
of the Greenwich Hotel.
314
00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:14,089
They say they'd be
willing to drop charges
315
00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:17,393
if you'll make good the
cost of one broken barstool
316
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:21,397
and $5.50 for two
drinks as yet unpaid for.
317
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:22,865
Well, I'm not paying for it.
318
00:15:22,889 --> 00:15:23,866
Well, I'm not paying it.
319
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,656
You know I'm not.
320
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,170
No rush. Take your time.
321
00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:29,805
I'll be nearby if you want me.
322
00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:32,608
My insurance has
nothing to do with it,
323
00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:35,444
Dr., uh, Sutterman.
324
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:38,013
I just resent having
to pay more money
325
00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:41,116
to a hospital for one day
326
00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:44,776
than I have to pay for my
home for an entire month.
327
00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:48,979
Are you sure I need surgery?
328
00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:53,518
Well, why can't you
do it in your office?
329
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,524
I fell in a sewer.
330
00:16:09,903 --> 00:16:11,046
What happened out here?
331
00:16:11,070 --> 00:16:12,848
He fell in the sewer.
332
00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:15,083
This is a $200 outfit.
333
00:16:15,107 --> 00:16:16,752
This stuff will never
come out of here.
334
00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:18,387
Wasn't designed to!
335
00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:20,344
Who asked you?
336
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:25,461
Come on, come on,
come on. Oh, man.
337
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:26,728
Oh, man.
338
00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:33,602
Go on. Sit over there
339
00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:35,104
What are you mad about?
340
00:16:35,128 --> 00:16:36,305
Shut up Hm.
341
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,373
What happened?
342
00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:38,974
Oh, this creep.
343
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:42,311
Angelo Molinari. They
call him "The Mole."
344
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:44,180
And I wonder why.
345
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:46,548
He... He tried to rip-off
Van Loowen's Jewelry store.
346
00:16:46,572 --> 00:16:48,550
So when we got there,
he got out the back door...
347
00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:50,974
Wojo, tell me the
rest on the phone.
348
00:16:58,051 --> 00:17:00,996
I gotta go to the bathroom.
349
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,831
Downstairs.
350
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,600
I'm going with you. I
want some fresh air.
351
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:06,501
Hey! Hey, what about us?!
352
00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:08,203
This is unbearable in here!
353
00:17:08,227 --> 00:17:10,706
Hey, pipe down you guys.
354
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:13,075
I don't like it any
better than you do.
355
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:17,813
Twelfth Precinct. Wojciehowicz.
356
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:19,603
Oh, hiya, Barn.
357
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:24,019
Well, I guess the guy
went out the back door
358
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,788
and down the alley
and ran down the street
359
00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:27,589
and ran in a Con Edison manhole.
360
00:17:27,613 --> 00:17:29,792
So Harris and me
had to go after him.
361
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:32,795
Of all the cops in New York,
I get a couple of hot dogs
362
00:17:32,819 --> 00:17:35,131
who are crazy enough to
chase me through a sewer.
363
00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:36,732
In the old days,
364
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:39,334
they'd throw a couple of bullets
over your head and that's it.
365
00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:42,237
Better luck next
time, Mr. Molinari.
366
00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:43,538
Don't give me that.
367
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:46,742
Ah, there won't be
no more next time.
368
00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:50,612
You plan, you dream,
you break your neck.
369
00:17:50,636 --> 00:17:53,148
Nah, nah. I had it
with this business.
370
00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:54,950
I don't know. What am
I...? Who am I kidding?
371
00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:58,220
But they wouldn't take him
at Manhattan South, Barn.
372
00:17:58,244 --> 00:17:59,789
Nobody would put him in a car.
373
00:18:01,180 --> 00:18:03,191
They said, uh, we
had to clean him up
374
00:18:03,215 --> 00:18:05,094
before we took him over there.
375
00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:07,829
Half the stuff you
get is junk anyway.
376
00:18:07,853 --> 00:18:10,132
You gotta dump
it for 10 percent.
377
00:18:10,156 --> 00:18:12,568
What, you think this
stuff is... Is cheap?
378
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,103
Forty bucks, leotards.
379
00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:16,272
And where are you gonna
find a sweater and a ski mask
380
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:18,407
that won't itch for
under a hundred?
381
00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:22,544
Uh, okay.
382
00:18:22,568 --> 00:18:24,513
Okay, okay, okay. I'll
throw him in the shower
383
00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:27,249
down in the locker room.
384
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:28,950
Me too?
385
00:18:28,974 --> 00:18:29,974
Okay.
386
00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:34,690
Hooks and ladders and a
watch with dates and bells.
387
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:35,714
Who needs it?
388
00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:38,983
What, am I kidding myself?
389
00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:44,655
Here, it's every
man for himself!
390
00:18:47,893 --> 00:18:49,104
Hey, uh, Barney? Yeah?
391
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:51,273
Would you approve this
requisition for me, please?
392
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:53,075
I wanna get it to
the, uh, finance office
393
00:18:53,099 --> 00:18:55,544
first thing in the morning.
What do you got?
394
00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:58,547
One custom-tailored
sport jacket,
395
00:18:58,571 --> 00:19:00,349
$165.
396
00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:02,651
One pair of
custom-tailored slacks,
397
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,686
$55.
398
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:05,987
One custom-tailored shirt,
399
00:19:06,011 --> 00:19:06,989
$30.
400
00:19:07,013 --> 00:19:09,124
Total, $250.
401
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:11,382
Yeah, I'm gonna eat
the tie and the socks.
402
00:19:13,386 --> 00:19:15,664
I'll sign it for you.
But, uh, I don't, uh,
403
00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:17,766
give you much for your chances.
404
00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:19,568
And when you... When
you get out of uniform,
405
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,937
you're supposed to, uh,
take care of your own clothing.
406
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:25,574
Come on. They can't expect
me to take that kind of loss.
407
00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:27,175
You know what you're
gonna have to do?
408
00:19:27,199 --> 00:19:29,278
You're gonna have
to start dressing down.
409
00:19:29,302 --> 00:19:31,602
I can't do it, Barney.
410
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:34,316
Hey, I've tried and I j...
411
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:36,051
I can't make it
out of the house.
412
00:19:36,075 --> 00:19:38,876
I just cannot do it.
413
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:41,990
- Captain Miller.
- Yeah?
414
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,292
Can we see you for a minute?
415
00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:46,362
Yes, certainly. What
can I do for you?
416
00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:47,863
Okay, we've come to terms.
417
00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:50,198
Good. We're gonna
drop the charges
418
00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:52,834
and we're gonna split
the cost of the barstool.
419
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:54,936
And I'll pay for the drinks.
420
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,138
How come?
421
00:19:56,162 --> 00:19:58,407
Well, I was buying
when the fight started.
422
00:19:58,431 --> 00:19:59,642
Drumming up business.
423
00:19:59,666 --> 00:20:01,176
Don't start... Dr. Crane,
424
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,245
can't you let sleeping dogs lie.
425
00:20:03,269 --> 00:20:05,414
My sentiments exactly.
426
00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:07,916
Okay, gentlemen.
Chano, would you, uh,
427
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:09,885
give these gentlemen
back their belongings?
428
00:20:09,909 --> 00:20:11,486
Oh, sure, Barney.
429
00:20:11,510 --> 00:20:13,830
All right. Step
this way, please.
430
00:20:18,350 --> 00:20:19,795
Now what's the matter?
431
00:20:19,819 --> 00:20:20,863
Well, I banged my knee
432
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:23,264
when I tripped
over that alligator.
433
00:20:23,288 --> 00:20:24,967
What alligator?
434
00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:26,034
Didn't you see it?
435
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:28,169
It was about two feet long.
436
00:20:28,193 --> 00:20:29,404
Sewers are full of them.
437
00:20:29,428 --> 00:20:31,373
Yeah, Jewish kids bring
them back from Miami,
438
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:33,877
then they flush
them down the toilet.
439
00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:37,627
Hey, look. Teeth marks.
440
00:20:39,104 --> 00:20:41,116
Barney he's right.
Something bit him.
441
00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:42,985
It's a jungle down there.
442
00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:45,687
Uh, Dr. Crane, can you
take a look at this man's leg?
443
00:20:45,711 --> 00:20:48,123
Oh, not me. I can't
afford to get involved.
444
00:20:48,147 --> 00:20:51,759
Let me have a look.
Oh, that's not so bad.
445
00:20:51,783 --> 00:20:53,828
Wash it with peroxide,
spray with Merthiolate,
446
00:20:53,852 --> 00:20:55,130
cover it with a loose bandage.
447
00:20:55,154 --> 00:20:57,632
And tomorrow, get
yourself a tetanus shot.
448
00:20:57,656 --> 00:20:59,456
Big deal.
449
00:21:03,496 --> 00:21:05,373
I'll, uh... I'll get
a first-aid kit.
450
00:21:05,397 --> 00:21:06,608
Okay.
451
00:21:06,632 --> 00:21:09,978
Uh, Harris, would you, uh,
put our friend in the cage?
452
00:21:10,002 --> 00:21:11,814
Okay, Barney.
453
00:21:11,838 --> 00:21:13,348
Let's go buddy.
454
00:21:13,372 --> 00:21:14,750
Yeah, you never
would have got me
455
00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:16,351
if it hadn't been
for that alligator.
456
00:21:16,375 --> 00:21:17,619
Yeah, I wouldn't have got you
457
00:21:17,643 --> 00:21:19,788
if I'd have known
he was down there.
458
00:21:19,812 --> 00:21:21,022
Ah, listen, the whole thing
459
00:21:21,046 --> 00:21:23,191
was a waste of time
and money. Yeah.
460
00:21:23,215 --> 00:21:24,860
Gentlemen, really.
461
00:21:24,884 --> 00:21:26,562
I don't like to
seem inhospitable,
462
00:21:26,586 --> 00:21:30,499
but don't you have something
in solitary confinement?
463
00:21:30,523 --> 00:21:34,503
Yes, but, uh, we
keep our toilet in there.
464
00:21:34,527 --> 00:21:36,638
Special shoes, glass cutters,
465
00:21:36,662 --> 00:21:37,739
thermal underwear.
466
00:21:37,763 --> 00:21:38,974
I beg your pardon...
467
00:21:38,998 --> 00:21:40,408
And you wanna talk about luck?
468
00:21:40,432 --> 00:21:41,910
I wasn't thinking of it.
469
00:21:41,934 --> 00:21:43,812
I gotta talk and
stir or I'll go crazy.
470
00:21:43,836 --> 00:21:45,514
Hey, stick your foot
through the bars.
471
00:21:47,607 --> 00:21:48,884
You know, in the last ten years
472
00:21:48,908 --> 00:21:51,720
I probably broke
every bone in my body.
473
00:21:51,744 --> 00:21:53,154
You know in 1965,
474
00:21:53,178 --> 00:21:55,357
I fell off a ledge over
on Riverside Drive?
475
00:21:55,381 --> 00:21:59,928
Could we sleep at all?
Captain. Captain Miller.
476
00:21:59,952 --> 00:22:01,830
Yes?
477
00:22:01,854 --> 00:22:04,166
I have a confession to make.
478
00:22:04,190 --> 00:22:06,168
I'm here on false pretenses.
479
00:22:06,192 --> 00:22:07,336
You're not a vagrant?
480
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:09,938
On the contrary,
I'm a rich eccentric.
481
00:22:09,962 --> 00:22:12,741
My last book of poetry has
gone into its fourth printing.
482
00:22:12,765 --> 00:22:14,743
And the royalties
are pouring in so fast
483
00:22:14,767 --> 00:22:16,978
I don't have time
to cash the checks.
484
00:22:17,002 --> 00:22:19,748
In that case, you
don't belong in here.
485
00:22:19,772 --> 00:22:21,382
Thank you very much.
486
00:22:21,406 --> 00:22:23,351
I'm so sorry that
it didn't work out.
487
00:22:23,375 --> 00:22:25,020
Maybe next time.
488
00:22:25,044 --> 00:22:27,756
Goodbye. Mr. Cook.
489
00:22:27,780 --> 00:22:29,557
Yes? Look, uh,
490
00:22:29,581 --> 00:22:31,860
I'm sure your, uh,
publishing offices
491
00:22:31,884 --> 00:22:33,328
aren't open at
this time of night.
492
00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:36,931
Why don't you take this,
uh, to tide you over, huh?
493
00:22:36,955 --> 00:22:38,700
That's very kind of you.
494
00:22:38,724 --> 00:22:41,425
I'll mention you
on my next flyleaf.
495
00:22:42,895 --> 00:22:44,306
Yes? Could you direct me
496
00:22:44,330 --> 00:22:45,774
to the 14th Precinct?
497
00:22:45,798 --> 00:22:47,976
The 14th... Sure.
You go over to...
498
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:49,811
Here, you go over to 11th Avenue
499
00:22:49,835 --> 00:22:52,936
and you take the
M bus and, uh...
500
00:22:57,476 --> 00:22:58,476
Barney?
501
00:22:59,979 --> 00:23:00,956
Yeah?
502
00:23:00,980 --> 00:23:04,092
Can I have about 10 days leave?
503
00:23:04,116 --> 00:23:05,193
You're gonna do it.
504
00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:07,963
Well, it's not
getting any better
505
00:23:07,987 --> 00:23:09,965
and I'm not getting any younger.
506
00:23:09,989 --> 00:23:11,599
Yeah.
507
00:23:11,623 --> 00:23:13,434
And that doughnut
don't work too good.
508
00:23:15,695 --> 00:23:17,205
And I got a good doctor.
509
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:18,940
All good reasons.
510
00:23:18,964 --> 00:23:21,509
And Bernice's sister
is coming for the week.
511
00:23:21,533 --> 00:23:22,799
Ah.
512
00:23:28,674 --> 00:23:31,719
Barney, I, uh... I
fixed the Mole's foot.
513
00:23:31,743 --> 00:23:32,887
Oh, good.
514
00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:35,111
Uh, Barn.
515
00:23:36,715 --> 00:23:38,193
That... That was
really something,
516
00:23:38,217 --> 00:23:39,895
what... What you
did for Mr. Cook.
517
00:23:39,919 --> 00:23:42,164
That money must have
seemed like a fortune to him.
518
00:23:42,188 --> 00:23:43,265
Well...
519
00:23:43,289 --> 00:23:44,566
And the point is, Barn, that...
520
00:23:44,590 --> 00:23:47,302
That you didn't
have to do it and...
521
00:23:47,326 --> 00:23:48,670
And... And nobody was watching,
522
00:23:48,694 --> 00:23:51,773
so it isn't like you get
credit for it, you know?
523
00:23:51,797 --> 00:23:53,029
That's what's so special.
524
00:23:54,700 --> 00:23:56,166
Thank you, Wojo.
525
00:23:57,703 --> 00:24:00,143
Would you get me
$10 out of petty cash?
526
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:03,017
Oh. Hey, hey, I, uh...
527
00:24:03,041 --> 00:24:05,554
Uh, I'm only kidding.
528
00:24:05,578 --> 00:24:06,588
Oh. Oh.
529
00:24:09,649 --> 00:24:13,828
Yeah, well, it's a good thing
you were kidding, 'cause we...
530
00:24:13,852 --> 00:24:17,154
We don't have $10 in petty cash.
34811
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