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1
00:00:06,273 --> 00:00:08,251
Hey. Hey, hey. Wait,
hold it. Stop, thief!
2
00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:10,020
Somebody stole my words.
3
00:00:10,044 --> 00:00:12,222
Look at that. Man, I've
been typing for 15 minutes,
4
00:00:12,246 --> 00:00:13,923
and there's not one
letter on this page.
5
00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:14,992
I think your ribbon died.
6
00:00:15,016 --> 00:00:16,159
What are you talking about?
7
00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:17,861
It was fine when I
got here this morning.
8
00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:19,462
Yeah, well,
sometimes they go fast.
9
00:00:19,486 --> 00:00:21,406
You know, just
like that. Tension.
10
00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:24,701
Hey, Fish.
11
00:00:27,828 --> 00:00:29,961
Hey, you okay, Fish?
12
00:00:31,131 --> 00:00:32,876
Yeah, I'm just sick and tired
13
00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:35,612
of violence on television.
14
00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:39,415
Wow, Fish, I didn't know
you even stayed up that late.
15
00:00:39,439 --> 00:00:41,017
They showed a movie last night
16
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,319
where they made old people
17
00:00:43,343 --> 00:00:46,177
into crackers and fed
them to young people.
18
00:00:47,948 --> 00:00:50,960
Hey, wow. I mean,
it was just a movie.
19
00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:53,362
Yeah, but the way
they explained it,
20
00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:56,466
it made a lot of sense.
21
00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,802
It was depressing.
22
00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:00,270
Paychecks.
23
00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:01,738
Hey, we lucked out again.
24
00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:03,940
Wojo. Harris.
25
00:01:03,964 --> 00:01:05,175
Thank you.
26
00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:07,377
Hey, Barney, you think
you could okay a requisition
27
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:08,678
for a new typewriter ribbon?
28
00:01:08,702 --> 00:01:11,436
You're out of luck. They
turned me down for soap.
29
00:01:13,140 --> 00:01:15,774
Wish I'd known that before.
30
00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:18,021
But you got your paycheck.
31
00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:19,156
Thanks. All I gotta do now
32
00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:20,860
is find a place
that'll cash it for me.
33
00:01:21,548 --> 00:01:22,525
Don't press your luck.
34
00:01:22,549 --> 00:01:23,993
Good morning.
35
00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:25,695
How are you?
36
00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:26,929
You all right?
37
00:01:26,953 --> 00:01:28,465
Didn't sleep too good.
38
00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:30,033
Nightmares.
39
00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:31,935
I dreamt about
children growing up
40
00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:34,426
and getting their
permanent teeth.
41
00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:37,239
You gotta watch what you eat.
42
00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:40,910
You're not kidding.
43
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:43,012
Funny, can't find
a check for you.
44
00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:46,516
Oh, it's gonna be
a wonderful day.
45
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:48,406
I must have left it on my desk.
46
00:01:51,178 --> 00:01:53,824
Hey, Fish, if they
don't pay you,
47
00:01:53,848 --> 00:01:56,392
don't do any typing, huh?
48
00:01:56,416 --> 00:01:58,194
They gotta pay me.
49
00:01:58,218 --> 00:02:02,031
The government is
depending on me for support.
50
00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:04,100
Maybe after they
took their share,
51
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,324
there wasn't
anything left for you.
52
00:02:08,695 --> 00:02:11,941
Well, they usually
give me a stub anyway.
53
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,611
I can't understand this,
Fish. I can't find the check.
54
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:15,745
I'll have to call Payroll.
55
00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:17,380
Let me do it.
56
00:02:17,404 --> 00:02:20,116
I've had dealings with
these people before.
57
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,818
You gotta be tough with them.
58
00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:22,908
Scare 'em a little.
59
00:02:28,215 --> 00:02:33,530
Oh, hello.
60
00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:36,065
This is Sergeant Fish
at the 12th Precinct.
61
00:02:36,089 --> 00:02:40,770
He certainly scared me.
62
00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:42,271
The coffee's a funny color.
63
00:02:42,295 --> 00:02:44,941
It's maroon.
64
00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:46,242
How did it get to be maroon?
65
00:02:46,266 --> 00:02:47,777
It's the color spectrum.
66
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:50,312
You mix brown coffee
with yellow water,
67
00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:52,136
and you got maroon.
68
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,785
Why is it fizzing?
69
00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:58,621
It's the air sneaking out
of the cracks out of the cup.
70
00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:03,859
I beg your pardon?
71
00:03:03,883 --> 00:03:05,361
But that can't be.
72
00:03:05,385 --> 00:03:08,131
I am Sergeant Phillip K. Fish.
73
00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:10,467
But your records must be wrong.
74
00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:12,235
Lady, who are you
gonna listen to?
75
00:03:12,259 --> 00:03:14,571
Me or your computer?
76
00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:16,606
It doesn't look good.
77
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:19,508
You won't believe this, but
according to their records,
78
00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:21,666
I'm deceased.
79
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:26,505
It's... It's probably a mistake.
80
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,484
I wonder.
81
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:45,034
Uh, 12th Precinct,
Detective Harris.
82
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,503
Yeah.
83
00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:48,371
Where?
84
00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:49,806
Okay, thank you.
85
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:52,809
Uh, Barney, it's
the fire department.
86
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:55,211
They said there's a cuckoo
in the park who's threatening
87
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,679
to jump off the Washington Arch.
88
00:03:56,703 --> 00:03:58,147
Go over there and
give them a hand.
89
00:03:58,171 --> 00:03:59,171
Yeah, okay.
90
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:03,052
Hey, Chano. Do you want
to join the sweet talk squad?
91
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,353
Why not, man?
92
00:04:04,377 --> 00:04:06,288
You're gonna need all
the charm you can get.
93
00:04:06,312 --> 00:04:08,391
Oh, man. Come on. Right on.
94
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:16,287
I'm dead.
95
00:04:20,193 --> 00:04:23,628
And I didn't even go out
of the house all weekend.
96
00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:15,958
You can't be dead.
97
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:18,728
There was nothing in
the papers about you.
98
00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:20,930
Yeah, Fish. It's the computers.
99
00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:23,400
I mean, they assign a
number to everybody,
100
00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:25,535
and then they make a mistake.
101
00:05:25,559 --> 00:05:27,236
Nobody ever misses a number.
102
00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:30,061
Crackers, either.
103
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:34,476
Look in a box of crackers.
104
00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:38,781
If one is missing,
nobody notices.
105
00:05:38,805 --> 00:05:39,849
Don't worry about it.
106
00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:41,153
They'll straighten it out.
107
00:05:42,909 --> 00:05:43,986
I don't like it here.
108
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:45,120
Will you stop being silly?
109
00:05:45,144 --> 00:05:46,121
It's the police.
110
00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:47,256
Come on.
111
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,080
I don't want to
go through with it.
112
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,188
We...
113
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:04,073
This is enemy territory.
114
00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:06,698
Don't be ridiculous.
These are my friends.
115
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:08,778
Oh, hello, Marty.
116
00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:09,968
What can we do for you today?
117
00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:13,349
Captain, this is my
friend, Darryl Driscoll.
118
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:15,084
Darryl, this is
Captain Barney Miller.
119
00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:16,085
How are you?
120
00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:17,987
I feel threatened.
121
00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:19,410
Darryl has a problem.
122
00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:21,379
No kidding.
123
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:29,532
He's the one I was
telling you about.
124
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:32,435
Captain, can we
speak to you privately?
125
00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:33,736
Step in my office.
126
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,638
Thank you. Come, Darryl.
127
00:06:35,662 --> 00:06:37,061
Thank you very much, captain.
128
00:06:39,599 --> 00:06:40,576
Oh, hey, Barn. Huh?
129
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,378
Listen, uh,
130
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,602
if you need any help in
there, we'll be right here.
131
00:06:46,473 --> 00:06:48,017
Thanks, Woj.
132
00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:50,441
Knowing that I
can face anything.
133
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:55,357
Whoa, those guys
make me nervous.
134
00:06:55,381 --> 00:06:58,027
Well, it takes all
kinds to make a world.
135
00:06:58,051 --> 00:07:00,786
That's why we're
not all Chinese.
136
00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:04,200
You know, if I really was dead,
137
00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:08,338
I'd be worth just under $57,000.
138
00:07:08,362 --> 00:07:10,540
I would have had that
much if I'd had died
139
00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:13,543
the day before I
made my first bet.
140
00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:15,378
You're practically
a millionaire.
141
00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:18,548
Well, that's counting life
insurance, social security,
142
00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:20,149
widow's pension.
143
00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:22,051
But you're still alive.
144
00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:23,620
Yeah. Tough luck.
145
00:07:27,314 --> 00:07:29,659
Darryl was arrested the
other day by a detective
146
00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:30,893
from this precinct.
147
00:07:30,917 --> 00:07:31,928
What charge?
148
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,652
Being unique.
149
00:07:36,723 --> 00:07:38,000
Is that all?
150
00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:40,803
He was coming out of the
Velvet Den when he was busted.
151
00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:41,804
Drunk?
152
00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:42,805
No.
153
00:07:42,829 --> 00:07:45,475
I was enthusiastic.
154
00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:47,410
Well, anyway, captain,
155
00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:49,445
he was never
brought to the precinct
156
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,481
because he had
to buy his way out
157
00:07:51,505 --> 00:07:53,549
for $50.
158
00:07:53,573 --> 00:07:55,751
Are you serious?
159
00:07:55,775 --> 00:07:57,820
Are you accusing one
of my men of extortion?
160
00:07:57,844 --> 00:08:02,146
I told you he'd be angry.
We'll never be seen again.
161
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:04,794
Look, Mr. Driscoll,
162
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,362
if you got hustled,
I guarantee you
163
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:07,830
it was nobody
from this precinct.
164
00:08:07,854 --> 00:08:09,965
All I know is, he
showed me his badge,
165
00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:11,434
he said he was
from this precinct,
166
00:08:11,458 --> 00:08:12,702
and he gave me a choice.
167
00:08:12,726 --> 00:08:16,872
Either pay through the
nose or bleed through it.
168
00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:19,831
And, God, I already
have a deviated septum.
169
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,717
All right, uh, what
did he look like?
170
00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,340
He was ugly.
171
00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:34,390
Tall ugly or short ugly?
172
00:08:34,414 --> 00:08:36,748
When you're ugly,
what's the difference?
173
00:08:38,718 --> 00:08:40,363
He was a few inches
shorter than I am.
174
00:08:40,387 --> 00:08:41,697
About 5'11"?
175
00:08:41,721 --> 00:08:44,656
No, about 6'3". I was
wearing my platforms.
176
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:51,641
All right, obviously you
were hustled, Mr. Driscoll.
177
00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:53,042
But just to clear the air,
178
00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:55,144
I want you to take a look
at every man in this squad.
179
00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:56,448
Come on outside.
180
00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:01,583
Uh, 96, 97... Mm, okay.
181
00:09:01,607 --> 00:09:03,052
Hold it, Wojo.
182
00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:05,454
Mr. Driscoll, this is Detective
Sergeant Wojciehowicz.
183
00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:06,722
Have you ever seen him before?
184
00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:09,306
I haven't had the pleasure.
185
00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:13,028
What, uh...?
186
00:09:13,052 --> 00:09:15,064
What's goin' on, Barn?
187
00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:16,566
Just making a point. Nick.
188
00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:17,600
Yeah.
189
00:09:17,624 --> 00:09:18,734
Mr. Driscoll.
190
00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:20,436
No, he wasn't Chinese.
191
00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:21,859
Neither am I.
192
00:09:25,532 --> 00:09:27,076
Fish. Yeah?
193
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,044
Fish, would you mind
standing up and let, uh...
194
00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:30,913
Letting Mr. Driscoll
take a look at you?
195
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:32,514
Sure.
196
00:09:32,538 --> 00:09:34,806
Doctor Driscoll, how are you?
197
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,474
He's not a doctor.
198
00:09:38,778 --> 00:09:41,212
Then what does he want
to take a look at me for?
199
00:09:43,850 --> 00:09:46,162
Him, I would remember.
200
00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:47,163
Was he black?
201
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,164
No.
202
00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:49,532
Did he have an accent? No.
203
00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:51,333
Okay, that takes care
of Chano and Harris.
204
00:09:51,357 --> 00:09:53,970
Wojo, some joker running
around playing detective,
205
00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:55,404
shaking down gay bars.
206
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,907
Check out the m.o. and see if
you can come up with something.
207
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,608
All right, Barn. Mr. Driscoll,
208
00:09:59,632 --> 00:10:02,111
I'm gonna show you
pictures of all the personnel
209
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:05,081
attached to this precinct.
Uniform and detectives.
210
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,248
I want you to go through them
211
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,050
and see if there is
anybody you recognize.
212
00:10:08,074 --> 00:10:09,151
Sit right here.
213
00:10:09,175 --> 00:10:10,285
Oh, thank you.
214
00:10:10,309 --> 00:10:11,754
I want all the
personnel records.
215
00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:14,023
I want Mr. Driscoll
to go through them.
216
00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:15,524
I'll be back in a few minutes.
217
00:10:15,548 --> 00:10:20,051
You know, you know, you
look exactly like Boris Karloff?
218
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:28,259
That's because we're both dead.
219
00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:33,142
Okay, Chano, let's
get him booked.
220
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,410
Really, I feel embarrassed.
221
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:35,911
This is terribly...
Mr. Bucholtz,
222
00:10:35,935 --> 00:10:37,613
there's no reason
to feel embarrassed.
223
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,681
These are very emotional
times we're living in.
224
00:10:39,705 --> 00:10:40,883
Now empty your pockets.
225
00:10:40,907 --> 00:10:43,319
But I wasn't going
to jump, I tell you.
226
00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:45,621
Then why did you climb up
on top of the Washington Arch,
227
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,389
Mr. Bucholtz?
228
00:10:47,413 --> 00:10:50,414
Because it's there.
229
00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:55,564
What did he mean by that?
230
00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:56,999
George Herbert Leigh Mallory.
231
00:10:57,023 --> 00:10:59,068
He said that on the day
he climbed Mount Everest.
232
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,369
He went up and never came down.
233
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:01,837
No kidding? Yeah.
234
00:11:01,861 --> 00:11:05,174
Sheesh! See that, Mr. Bucholtz?
See how lucky you are?
235
00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:07,276
Come over here. Have a
seat. Come on, have a seat.
236
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,244
Nobody's gonna hurt
you. We're gonna book you
237
00:11:09,268 --> 00:11:10,846
and then you go to
Bellevue Hospital.
238
00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:12,515
Bellevue? Yeah.
239
00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:13,605
What for?
240
00:11:14,675 --> 00:11:16,675
Because it's there.
241
00:11:18,144 --> 00:11:22,157
Driscoll, take your
time, go through these
242
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:24,226
and if anyone looks
familiar to you, let me know.
243
00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:26,062
Oh, I hope it
doesn't take too long.
244
00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:27,162
I have a lecture at noon.
245
00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:28,230
Oh, you go to school?
246
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:31,022
No. I'm having
lunch with my mother.
247
00:11:38,798 --> 00:11:40,009
I need an hour off.
248
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,877
Personnel says they
can't give me my check
249
00:11:41,901 --> 00:11:43,545
till I come downtown.
250
00:11:43,569 --> 00:11:44,947
Okay. Go ahead.
251
00:11:44,971 --> 00:11:47,538
I... I have to prove I'm alive,
252
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:52,876
And that's not gonna be easy.
253
00:11:54,847 --> 00:11:56,492
Hey, uh, Barney?
254
00:11:56,516 --> 00:11:58,394
We've got a Mr. Arthur Bucholtz
255
00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:00,896
who, uh, demands to speak
to someone who is in authority.
256
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:02,698
Is this the attempted
suicide in the park?
257
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,967
Yeah. He says it's all a
complete misunderstanding.
258
00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:06,202
He never intended to jump.
259
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,204
What was he doing up
on top of Washington Arch?
260
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,672
I don't know.
261
00:12:09,696 --> 00:12:11,696
Maybe he was trying to
get even with the pigeons.
262
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,210
Mr. Bucholtz, uh,
263
00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:17,179
you wanted to talk to
me. I'm Captain Miller.
264
00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:18,380
Captain. Yes, yes. I'm...
265
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,149
I'm terribly sorry
to trouble you at all,
266
00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:22,351
but this is all so unnecessary.
267
00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:25,487
Couldn't we just forget
that it all happened?
268
00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:27,289
I'm afraid we can't
do that, Mr. Bucholtz.
269
00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:29,258
You see, regardless
of your intention,
270
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:30,860
what you did was
against the law.
271
00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:33,362
Uh, address
please, Mr. Bucholtz?
272
00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:37,700
Uh, Gramercy
Apartments. 212 West 11th.
273
00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:39,835
Now, those are
very nice apartments.
274
00:12:39,859 --> 00:12:42,404
Captain. Captain, really,
there is no necessity
275
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:43,806
to send me to the hospital.
276
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:45,407
Have you contacted
your family yet?
277
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:46,541
I don't have a family.
278
00:12:46,565 --> 00:12:47,542
You're not married?
279
00:12:47,566 --> 00:12:49,044
No. No, I'm divorced.
280
00:12:49,068 --> 00:12:50,646
Oh. That's a shame.
281
00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:52,815
It's amicable. We're
very good friends.
282
00:12:52,839 --> 00:12:54,216
You live alone, Mr. Bucholtz?
283
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,640
Of course I live alone!
What do you think I am?
284
00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:03,159
Mr. Bucholtz, we're gonna try
285
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,760
to make this as
painless as possible.
286
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,262
You get one phone call.
287
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,731
First we're going to take you
downstairs, photograph you,
288
00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:10,499
fingerprint you.
Won't hurt you a bit.
289
00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:12,268
Please, can I have
a drink of water?
290
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:15,104
Sure, right behind you.
There's a water fountain.
291
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,739
Chano. Yeah.
292
00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:18,841
Take it easy on
him. Sure, Barney.
293
00:13:18,865 --> 00:13:20,509
Have you called Bellevue yet?
294
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:21,911
Yeah, just called them.
295
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:23,468
Yeah, everything's
taken care of.
296
00:13:24,103 --> 00:13:25,180
Hey, hey, wait!
297
00:13:25,204 --> 00:13:27,349
Harris. We'll get him, Barney.
298
00:13:27,373 --> 00:13:30,019
Kogan. Kogan, we got a suspect
running loose in the building.
299
00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:32,488
Back stairs. Right.
300
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,478
That guy's some fruitcake, huh?
301
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,519
No offense.
302
00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:49,438
Listen and don't try that
again. It's very foolish.
303
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,140
I feel very embarrassed.
Really, I'm...
304
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,342
Maybe you wouldn't feel
so embarrassed if you'd stay
305
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:55,244
in one place for a few
minutes. How about that.
306
00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:57,713
It was just a momentary
outbreak of panic. What's the fuss?
307
00:13:57,737 --> 00:13:59,715
Look, you are not walking
out of a coffee shop.
308
00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:01,583
This is a police station.
309
00:14:01,607 --> 00:14:04,053
And we've got the
coffee to prove it.
310
00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:06,788
Mr. Bucholtz, for your
own self-protection,
311
00:14:06,812 --> 00:14:09,058
we're gonna have to, uh,
restrict your movements.
312
00:14:09,082 --> 00:14:10,525
Harris, let's put
him in the cage.
313
00:14:10,549 --> 00:14:12,094
No, I promise, I
won't go away again.
314
00:14:12,118 --> 00:14:14,597
Come on, it'll be better all
the way around. Come on.
315
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:17,589
Hey, uh, Barney, uh, we...
316
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:22,972
Man... Manhattan...
317
00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:25,207
Manhattan South is
checking out the hustler.
318
00:14:25,231 --> 00:14:26,241
Good.
319
00:14:26,265 --> 00:14:27,843
We got anything
in our file on it?
320
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,147
Uh, I-I'll check it out.
321
00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:34,683
Uh, Barn, how do you...?
322
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,741
How do you think
guys get like that?
323
00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:42,792
Who knows? Could be anything.
324
00:14:42,816 --> 00:14:45,094
Some small
psychological phenomenon
325
00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:47,663
that's ticked off by anything.
326
00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:49,887
Diet?
327
00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:53,402
It's possible.
328
00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:56,527
I try to keep a good
eye on my starches.
329
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:02,378
You worried?
330
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:05,914
Me? No!
331
00:15:05,938 --> 00:15:08,651
Well, um, every once in a while,
332
00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:11,709
I sort of wonder.
333
00:15:14,046 --> 00:15:15,079
Don't you?
334
00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,149
No.
335
00:15:19,485 --> 00:15:22,198
Oh, I guess... I guess
that's one of the things
336
00:15:22,222 --> 00:15:24,322
I admire about you, Barn.
337
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,626
Has anybody got a cigarette?
338
00:15:30,229 --> 00:15:31,606
I do.
339
00:15:31,630 --> 00:15:33,341
May I, captain?
340
00:15:33,365 --> 00:15:34,398
Go right ahead.
341
00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:39,314
Thanks.
342
00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:40,783
Don't mention it.
343
00:15:40,807 --> 00:15:42,651
It's none of my
business, Mr. Bucholtz,
344
00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:44,887
but take it from
someone who knows.
345
00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:46,310
Suicide is not the answer.
346
00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:48,757
Oh, I wasn't going to jump.
347
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:50,960
I was just looking around.
348
00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:53,251
I know. I've seen
that view myself.
349
00:15:54,721 --> 00:15:57,287
We all have, uh,
different problems.
350
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,858
I wanted to be John
Wayne until I was 17.
351
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:06,241
And then one day
I didn't anymore.
352
00:16:06,265 --> 00:16:08,565
I just wanted to die.
353
00:16:10,036 --> 00:16:12,081
What made you change your mind?
354
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:15,351
Well, I was standing on the
railing of the Brooklyn Bridge,
355
00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:18,154
and this car came by
and they had their radio on
356
00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:21,723
and Doris Day was
singing, "Qué Será Será,"
357
00:16:21,747 --> 00:16:25,182
and I thought, "You
know, she's right."
358
00:16:26,085 --> 00:16:28,564
There's nothing wrong with me.
359
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:30,721
I'm a perfectly normal man.
360
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,470
Well, if you want
to settle for that,
361
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:35,993
it's all right by me.
362
00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:40,776
Barney,
363
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,945
the guys from Bellevue
are here to pick up Bucholtz.
364
00:16:42,969 --> 00:16:44,880
Uh, Harris. Yeah, Barney.
365
00:16:44,904 --> 00:16:46,315
Get him ready. Okay.
366
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:47,616
Hey, Barn,
367
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,918
I got some make
sheets here on guys
368
00:16:49,942 --> 00:16:53,945
who have a history of, uh,
beatin' up the opposite sex.
369
00:16:56,782 --> 00:16:57,960
Are you referring to women?
370
00:16:57,984 --> 00:17:01,018
No, no, I'm... I'm
talking about those guys.
371
00:17:03,322 --> 00:17:05,300
They're not the
opposite sex, Wojo.
372
00:17:05,324 --> 00:17:08,937
Well, they are so for of me.
373
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:11,373
Aren't they?
374
00:17:11,397 --> 00:17:14,065
I don't care. It's
none of my business.
375
00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:19,681
Wojo, they prefer
to be called gay.
376
00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:22,518
Yeah, yeah. I know
what they prefer. It's...
377
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:25,242
I just have, uh,
trouble sayin' it.
378
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,589
Okay, come on, Mr. Bucholtz.
379
00:17:27,613 --> 00:17:28,590
Where are you taking me?
380
00:17:28,614 --> 00:17:30,259
Look, don't worry, Mr. Bucholtz,
381
00:17:30,283 --> 00:17:31,559
nobody's going hurt you, okay?
382
00:17:31,583 --> 00:17:33,128
But I want to know
where I'm going.
383
00:17:33,152 --> 00:17:35,030
Look, it's gonna be okay.
384
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,799
You, uh...?
385
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:38,500
You got a customer for Bellevue?
386
00:17:38,524 --> 00:17:39,804
A guy named Bucholtz?
387
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,770
Oh, my God!
388
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:43,839
All right, now. Come on, buddy.
389
00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:45,641
We're just gonna
take a little ride!
390
00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:47,743
Take it easy, take it easy.
391
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,111
Take it easy, Mr. Bucholtz.
392
00:17:49,135 --> 00:17:51,146
These men are just
coming to take you down
393
00:17:51,170 --> 00:17:53,615
to see a doctor at a hospital.
They just want to talk to you.
394
00:17:53,639 --> 00:17:55,784
I don't have to go there.
We could talk on the phone.
395
00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:58,420
You don't wanna do
that to the nice doctor.
396
00:17:58,444 --> 00:17:59,521
You'll hurt his feelings.
397
00:17:59,545 --> 00:18:00,722
Now, don't come near me!
398
00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:02,547
I swear, I'll jump!
399
00:18:04,150 --> 00:18:05,961
Jump where?
400
00:18:05,985 --> 00:18:08,430
It's just an expression.
401
00:18:08,454 --> 00:18:11,500
I won't be taken out of
here tied up like an animal.
402
00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:13,735
Mr. Bucholtz, we're
trying to help you.
403
00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:15,904
But I'm fine.
404
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:18,707
Please, don't you
understand? I'm fine.
405
00:18:18,731 --> 00:18:21,042
If you people would
please just leave me alone.
406
00:18:21,066 --> 00:18:23,900
Please, I'd be fine.
407
00:18:25,571 --> 00:18:29,084
Mr. Bucholtz?
408
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:30,841
Mr. Bucholtz?
409
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:38,949
Go get him, Al, huh?
410
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:53,631
Wait a minute, I just
explained everything downtown.
411
00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:59,081
They're from Bellevue
for Mr. Bucholtz.
412
00:18:59,105 --> 00:19:00,671
Oh.
413
00:19:03,008 --> 00:19:05,442
For a moment I
thought it was IRS.
414
00:19:07,046 --> 00:19:09,358
Mr. Bucholtz.
415
00:19:09,382 --> 00:19:11,226
Mr. Bucholtz, you're
behaving very badly.
416
00:19:11,250 --> 00:19:13,896
Tell those men that there
is no need for that jacket!
417
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,330
There's nothing wrong with me!
418
00:19:15,354 --> 00:19:18,200
Yeah, Mr. Bucholtz,
what you say...
419
00:19:18,224 --> 00:19:20,503
What you say would
carry a lot more weight
420
00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:24,728
if you weren't saying
it from under a desk.
421
00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:27,942
Where's Captain Miller?
422
00:19:27,966 --> 00:19:29,633
He's talkin' to the
guy under the desk.
423
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:33,448
Oh, my God! That's the man!
424
00:19:33,472 --> 00:19:35,317
What? That's the guy
that did the hustle?
425
00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:37,953
Yes, I told you he was ugly.
426
00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:40,255
You were being kind.
427
00:19:40,279 --> 00:19:43,713
Barney. Barney, you should
come and see this guy.
428
00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:48,596
Don't disturb Mr. Bucholtz.
429
00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:50,698
Can I help you? I'm,
uh, Captain Miller.
430
00:19:50,722 --> 00:19:53,068
Sergeant Forbes,
Manhattan South. Right.
431
00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:55,337
We got a call from here
about a gay hustle. Yeah.
432
00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:56,805
I think we've got a positive ID.
433
00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:58,474
Oh, that's him.
434
00:19:58,498 --> 00:20:01,432
Oh, yes. Yes. No
question about it!
435
00:20:03,669 --> 00:20:04,780
Where'd you pick him up?
436
00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:06,181
Outside of Gogies.
437
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:09,218
The, uh, gay bar on 2nd Avenue?
438
00:20:09,242 --> 00:20:10,352
That's right.
439
00:20:10,376 --> 00:20:12,287
I just walked out
and he grabbed me.
440
00:20:12,311 --> 00:20:14,489
He thought you were gay?
441
00:20:14,513 --> 00:20:17,525
A detective sergeant in
a New York police force?
442
00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:22,853
Qué será será.
443
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:33,877
Hey, captain, uh, could I use
your witness for this collar?
444
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,346
Yes, certainly.
Certainly. Uh, Mr. Driscoll,
445
00:20:37,370 --> 00:20:38,847
would you go with
Sergeant Forbes?
446
00:20:38,871 --> 00:20:40,304
It would be my pleasure.
447
00:20:42,642 --> 00:20:44,842
I told you they were human.
448
00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:51,393
Uh...
449
00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:54,729
Forgive me, Mr. Bucholtz.
Something came up.
450
00:20:54,753 --> 00:20:57,365
I understand, captain.
451
00:20:57,389 --> 00:20:59,835
You know, Mr. Bucholtz, I'm
not an expert on these matters,
452
00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:01,670
but it appears to me you're...
453
00:21:01,694 --> 00:21:05,440
You're not really getting
any answers under there.
454
00:21:05,464 --> 00:21:07,984
So what would you suggest we do?
455
00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:11,079
What I suggest?
456
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:12,302
Yeah.
457
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:17,218
I suggest that I be
allowed to walk out of here
458
00:21:17,242 --> 00:21:20,055
with some dignity.
459
00:21:20,079 --> 00:21:21,745
Now that makes sense.
460
00:21:22,348 --> 00:21:24,259
Thank you.
461
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:27,952
You can put that way,
Mr. Bucholtz doesn't need that.
462
00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:35,825
Goodbye, gentlemen.
463
00:21:37,229 --> 00:21:39,096
Thank you for
your consideration.
464
00:21:41,367 --> 00:21:46,270
I'm a very sick man,
but I've got a lot of class.
465
00:21:55,515 --> 00:21:57,025
Man.
466
00:21:57,049 --> 00:21:58,827
You know, that dude
is really in bad shape.
467
00:21:58,851 --> 00:22:01,963
I-I wonder what
finally shook him loose.
468
00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:03,465
It's probably gambling.
469
00:22:03,489 --> 00:22:06,200
No, man. Money doesn't do that.
470
00:22:06,224 --> 00:22:09,705
It's injustice that
drives a man insane.
471
00:22:09,729 --> 00:22:13,575
Ah, he's just getting old.
472
00:22:13,599 --> 00:22:16,712
Yeah, and out of shape.
473
00:22:16,736 --> 00:22:18,881
No, man, it's more
complicated than that.
474
00:22:18,905 --> 00:22:20,382
Don't you think, Barney?
475
00:22:20,406 --> 00:22:22,050
Sure.
476
00:22:22,074 --> 00:22:23,819
Fear, guilt.
477
00:22:23,843 --> 00:22:28,323
The man's beating himself
for something he did.
478
00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:32,828
"Whom the gods would
destroy they first make mad."
479
00:22:32,852 --> 00:22:33,852
Ah.
480
00:22:34,887 --> 00:22:36,198
That's beautiful.
481
00:22:36,222 --> 00:22:38,300
Who, uh...? W-Who said that?
482
00:22:38,324 --> 00:22:40,869
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
483
00:22:42,962 --> 00:22:45,062
Harris, how do you
know all these things?
484
00:22:46,265 --> 00:22:50,278
Man, when I was
a kid, I stole books.
485
00:22:51,570 --> 00:22:53,303
Oh, oh. Hey.
486
00:23:00,112 --> 00:23:02,524
Yeah?
487
00:23:02,548 --> 00:23:04,759
All the guys are checked
out, Barn. See you tomorrow.
488
00:23:04,783 --> 00:23:07,729
Okay. Woj, before you go,
489
00:23:07,753 --> 00:23:09,831
Sergeant Forbes over at
Manhattan South called.
490
00:23:09,855 --> 00:23:11,800
He wants you to meet
him down at headquarters.
491
00:23:11,824 --> 00:23:14,569
Something about
that extortion case.
492
00:23:14,593 --> 00:23:16,405
Um...
493
00:23:16,429 --> 00:23:18,269
I don't have to go, do I, Barn?
494
00:23:19,065 --> 00:23:20,508
Sure, you have to go.
495
00:23:20,532 --> 00:23:21,710
We're expected to cooperate
496
00:23:21,734 --> 00:23:23,378
with all divisions
of the department.
497
00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:27,315
Yeah, but, uh...
But Forbes, uh...
498
00:23:27,339 --> 00:23:29,885
Don't jump to any
conclusions, Wojo.
499
00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:33,222
Yeah, yeah. Well...
500
00:23:33,246 --> 00:23:36,524
Y-You suppose there's
any, uh, you know,
501
00:23:36,548 --> 00:23:39,083
funny cops in the department?
502
00:23:43,222 --> 00:23:45,782
You mean cops with
a sense of humor?
503
00:23:47,059 --> 00:23:48,237
You know what I mean, Barn.
504
00:23:48,261 --> 00:23:51,106
I mean cops that are g-gay.
505
00:23:51,130 --> 00:23:54,510
Wojo, I wouldn't
have the slightest idea.
506
00:23:54,534 --> 00:23:56,044
Boy, you'd think guys
507
00:23:56,068 --> 00:23:58,736
would find something better
to do in their spare time.
508
00:24:00,773 --> 00:24:02,851
You, uh...
509
00:24:02,875 --> 00:24:04,620
You are gonna stop
by at Manhattan South
510
00:24:04,644 --> 00:24:07,022
on your way home, huh?
511
00:24:07,046 --> 00:24:09,557
Yeah, but I ain't stayin' long.
512
00:24:12,285 --> 00:24:14,362
You know, uh...
513
00:24:14,386 --> 00:24:17,321
I sure am glad God gave
me an interest in bowling.
33731
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