Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour

MUSIC: Igor's Theme by Tyler, The Creator

Let me see his face.

So you're the slippery little scrote who's been making me look like a right mug.

You got any last words, treacle?

Yeah.

Why don't you do one, you two-bob...

GUNSHOTS

Mate, that is sick! Thank you, thank you.

Sorry, sir, I missed it. One of my eyelashes slipped, innit?

Ha!

Usma literally blinked and missed it.

HE LAUGHS

As glorified extras go,

it's giving more horrified.

Extra? I had lines.

A line.

Get her, Jade!

Look, it is a process.

I'm building my brand. My agent is getting...

Ah, no, please. Agent-schmagent.

The only reason you got signed is

because I injured myself in the school play.

They've clearly got no taste.

Says the guy that's, what is it? "Self-represented."

Ah, don't you dare talk about my Warren like that!

SINGS: ♪ He works hard for the money! ♪

What money?

Fine! If you're going to be like that, let's get to work.

Open up your phones to Madonna's filmography.

THEY GROAN

HE IMITATES

Sorry,

do we have better ideas?

I do.

Drama wars! Superhero style!

CLAMOUR

MUSIC: Mr Motivator by Idles

Hee-hee!

Ah! Ow! Ow!

Shamone.

Ooh. Ah!

Waaatch out! Ooh.

Bow!

Wrong MJ. You're supposed to be Zendaya from Spider-Man.

The Marvel movies?

GIGGLING

Damn. Ow!

I'd get changed first.

Maybe don't tell your parents about this.

♪ Yeah, proper tings

♪ Original style

♪ We come to kick it down

♪ The wicked man is wild

♪ Yeah. ♪

Oh, what's this?

Ooh, that's a bit morbid.

Gluten tag, Sally Bowles!

Love the hat.

Yeah. Fortune cookie?

"What size are Fraser's feet?"

"True or false, Fraser can fit both fists in his mouth?"

Are these questions all about you?

Write what you know.

"Where's the bomb?"

- All right, forget that one. - STEPHEN CLINKS CUP

Cooee!

Meeting, please. Come through.

How y'all doing?

Fire. So, as you are all aware, this year, we are hosting

the Competitive Theatre Games,

competing against the most prestigious schools in the country.

And, as such, it's an opportunity for us

to pretend we care about the arts.

See you later.

Oh, sorry, my loves. I was just on the phone to my agent.

Harper, not that it matters because by law we have to be inclusive,

but are you wearing lipstick?

Oh, it's this Lizabeth Erden stuff.

Yeah, I got to glam up. Just booked a short.

Be warned.

I booked a short for a fete once, stole all the petty cash.

Quick little chaps.

Um, I think Mitchell's talking about a short film, Fraser.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's well arty.

Anyway, so competitive theatre is all about improvisation, hmm?

And this year we have to devise a piece inspired by a word.

Are there any nude scenes?

Well, no, Mollinson because they're... They're children.

I mean his film, not your silly little competition.

Mollinson, there is tons of shagging.

I've had to start putting cream on my todger.

Oh, well, it sounds appalling, although if my time at Boohoo has

taught me anything, it's that the British public will buy anything.

Um, this year, I have no doubt in my mind that we are going

to snatch that crown from St Maud's,

because we have a secret weapon!

Me! Mr Harper!

Pardon? Well, if we want to beat St Maud's,

we need a professional in charge.

I mean, Mr Harper may be Z list, but at least he's on a list.

Stephen, it is no maje deal.

No! Make it make sense!

Well, it kind of does, you know.

I'm a working actor, killing it in the game right now,

and you're - no shade - just in a transitional moment.

You think you could last a day in my shoes?

Your chode toes could never.

Oh, what, and you think my job is easy, do you?

Well, I would love to see you take on my legendary Nando's assault course.

Hmm! Piece of piss. I'm glad you feel so confident.

I'll need someone to teach PE whilst Mr Harper teachers drama.

Um, sorry, what? You want me to be him?

What, a highly respected teacher

affecting positive change in students' lives? Good luck!

Fine. Go off. I will just sit back

wearing market stall rejects

whilst I grab whatever processed gunk I can get my mitts on.

All right.

Fortune cookie?

Why not? Enjoy. Who cares any more?!

Pop it in.

You can't do it, can you?

Screw you! I haven't eaten a carb since 2015.

Just had me hair cut.

It's looking a bit dry, though.

Well, it's made out of recycled fishnets. I really like it.

Come on, you lot. I don't want you late for my class.

Uh, we've got drama next.

Correctamundo, mon petit pois.

But Hoburn has put a bona fide film star in charge of the drama

department to whip you lot into shape for the big competition.

Sir, are you sure you're ready for this? We're up against St Maud's.

Those stuck-up bitches beat us in everything.

Last year, them pagans pelted our team with perfectly ripe avocados.

Sir, St Maud's have one of the best drama departments of the whole country.

Ain't St Maud's your old school, Jinx?

Yes, but my theatrical training ended the day

I went up for Maria Von Trapp in The Sound of Music.

Patience Fitzwalker spread a rumour that I skied in Croatia.

I was blacklisted after that.

HE INHALES SHARPLY

Blessing, what are you doing?

THEY LAUGH SHE SIGHS

I like the fit. Move it, you lot.

I'm on Community Service again for being late.

I told Hoburn it's cos I got to drop my little brother off

at school first, but she don't care.

Mate, that is bang out of order.

Well, she's pushed me too far this time.

Operation Boss Man is go.

PHONE PINGS

Bernadette...

"Bernadette."

..on behalf... "On behalf of the League of Super Heads,

"thank you for wearing that bowler hat, as we requested."

You must complete...

"But you must complete many more tasks before we deem you worthy

"of joining our powerful and well-paid fraternity.

"Today, you must provide your students with food from these

"approved vendors, to boost their productivity.

"See that it is done."

Mr Boss Man.

"Mr... Booss Mahn."

Super Head of the League of Super Heads.

Hang on, so you're Mr Boss Man?

- HE LAUGHS - That is quality.

I'm going to bankrupt her, then I'm going to humiliate her

in front of all the posh schools. But I need your help.

OK, but first, you have got to change because that look is not very forgiving and I am not living.

Why are you talking like that?

And where's Mr Carmichael?

HE SCOFFS

Legendary.

Please!

Ugh!

MUSIC: Players by Coi Leray

Why you so scared?

Tomato, tomato, tomato!

OK, Miss Girl! Think you ate that, right?

Well, you didn't!

Miss Honey!

Less Gigi..

..more Bella.

HE GASPS

It's giving couture.

Careful of the... Agh!

It's fine. He'll live.

Fine, I'll call for the medic.

Oh!

Ugh!

Mm! Mm!

Good morning, actors.

What the hell, man? Everything's gone.

Where's the selfie corner?

How can I create bomb content with this dead overhead lighting?

Ah, tsst. On your arses.

SHE SIGHS

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

After spending the evening watching YouTube clips

of Inside The Actors Studio,

I realised that if we are going to win this competition,

then we need to start taking our craft a little bit more seriously.

Well, you've messed up my craft now, you little weirdo.

We need to focus

on authentic human observation.

Posture, Warren. Ow!

I won't tell you again. Thank you.

Take, for example, Usma.

Hmm?

She is SO obsessed with her outer appearance,

but does she ever really work on what's on the inside?

Is she too afraid to show people the real Usma?

Is she worried that they might not like what they see?

I've got to get out of here.

Not being funny, sir, but you need a therapist.

You're sick!

Mr Harper, what has got into you? That was so not OK.

That! Is! Acting!

Speaking of which, today we are focusing on Hong Kong cinema.

Y'all are my crew of assassins, Harrison, Warren, you're doves.

Fly as if you are the souls of my fallen enemies.

Let's go!

Operation Boss Man, phase two.

I'm going to blast Hoburn in front of the best schools in the country.

Paint grenades?

Yeah. So I'm going to need you to unlock the school for me tonight.

I'm going to rig the stage with them.

Nope, can't do that. What? Are you on her side?

No, but competitive theatre is a moment,

and nothing can stop us from slaying tomorrow.

Sir! I trusted you.

AMERICAN ACCENT: The only person that you can trust is yourself.

Cue the doves!

MUSIC: Spybreak! By Propellerheads

MUSIC DROWNS SOUND

No.

RUCKUS

Let's get our arms up!

INDISTINCT CHATTER

SHE SIGHS

You're welcome, you're welcome.

Um, what is this trash?

I ordered a super-charged vegan avocado pot noodle.

They don't... Da-da-da!

Don't test me, Warren.

Oh!

Mr Carmichael, what are you wearing?

Sports luxe.

Since you demoted me to PE, I've had to give in to stretch fabrics.

Well, it's not appropriate in a school. You look like Paris Hilton.

I met her once at a perfume launch. Work?

Yes, it was. I couldn't understand a word she was saying

and the perfume brought the customers out in hives, but you live and learn.

Sir?

Sir, what's happened? You're not strutting.

Oh, you're wearing Uggs! Do I look awful?

Well... Don't answer that.

Oh, Warren, I'm so ashamed.

I'm...

WARREN GASPS

I'm back on carbs.

Oh, I'm so sorry, sir. Maybe this is your mid-life crisis?

Mid-life?!

Um, I'm sorry, quarter life. Better.

Sir, we've really missed you. All this drama's gone to Mr Harper's head.

Oh, yeah, well, it's gone to my hips, hmm?!

I'm a size 32 now. 32!

I mean, what is the point in living

if I can't fit into my personally curated fashion archives?!

But I know who's to blame. Yeah, Miss Hoburn.

No! You bunch of sell-outs for taking my beauty and talent for granted, hmm?

And in doing so, creating a monster in Mitchell.

He's got even worse ever since he got verified on Instagram.

Verified?

DISTORTED RINGING

Sir?

Sir? Medic!

Medic!

SOUND DISTORTS

Doughnuts! No!

I need doughnuts! No!

Oh, for God's sake, no!

"Bernadette, you continue to impress us." Hmm!

"But it would not be appropriate to serve street food

"to St Maud's and the other schools competing tomorrow.

"They will expect a banquet,

"which you must create tonight. Single handed."

"Only then will you be worthy of the league.

"Mr Booss Mahn."

Shit!

MUSIC: Dumbest Girl Alive by 100 gecs

Ugh!

BIRDS CHIRP

Wassup! Wassup!

BOTH: What's happening?

Oh, no...

Oh, my God, look at the time! Shit!

Shit!

Stephen's turned into Mitchell, Mitchell's turned into Stephen

and now Hoburn is...

..me.

MUSIC: Used To Know Me by Charli XCX

The fortune cookie.

What have I done?

Jinx, you OK?

Yeah, fine.

You're supposed to be able to hear your own heartbeat, right?

Oh, God, it's Patience Fitzwalker.

Oh! Hey, Jemima.

Long time, no see.

Looks like you've settled in

quite nicely.

GIRLS LAUGH

Try her again and you're going to wish you stayed at home

to blend out that dead contour.

Thanks, bestie.

We got you. You Are quite annoying,

but only we can tell you that.

FRASER: Oh, God, Class K.

What the hell? Oh...

Straighten that tie. You'll never succeed looking like a slattern.

And don't breathe in that gormless manner.

St Maud's are here.

Welcome!

Hello. Shake a leg.

Come on, Bernie. You can do it.

Time to become the Super Head you were born to be!

Oh, hello!

Bernadette Hoburn, headmistress.

Welcome to Abbey Grove.

Quack quack!

What is she doing?

I don't know, but I'm kind of into it.

Whoo-whoo!

I've taken the liberty of preparing some luncheon.

Amuse bouche?

ALL: Ugh!

No, this is mostly chocolate. Ugh!

Please, right this way.

Wait, wait, come back!

I-I-I presume you've already eaten?

You all right, miss?

Oh, yes. Absolutely fine.

Yes, I obviously just haven't got what it takes.

Or maybe this is part of the test.

You need to prove your courage to the League of Super Heads.

WHISPER: How do you know about the League?

I'm a... legacy, innit?

Mr Boss Man's, like, my weird uncle or something.

Boss Man?! I've been pronouncing it Booss Mahn!

I know how you can earn back his respect

and get revenge on St Maud's for humiliating you.

Of course. Anything.

♪ I got a wife and a three kids

♪ One day my boss said to me... ♪

MUSIC: Money by Leikeli47

SOUND DISTORTED

Actors...

..why y'all looking so... Les Miserable?

I'm not sure everyone's recovered from yesterday, sir.

I couldn't sleep after being called a first-class fun sponge.

Warren, we were just tapping into the foundations,

so we can slay the house down shoes! Boots.

Never question my methods, all right? I need y'all to focus.

I've just dropped my first line of merchandise.

It's called Merch-ell. Have a look.

HE CHUCKLES

Look.

It's me. Get the logo in, get the logo.

So, I need y'all to sell, sell, sell, sell, sell!

Nope, I'm sorry, sir. Selling a rival's merchandise is a complete

breach of contract with Mr Carmichael.

Potato, potato, potato!

Circle of trust, guys. Come on, let's warm up.

HE INHALES DEEPLY AGGRESSIVELY: Try it, you slice.

- Try it, you slice! - KIDS JOIN IN

ALL: Try it, you slice!

Seven sorts shagging on Southend's sea shore.

ALL: Seven sorts shagging on Southend's sea shore.

It's an honour to host the tenth annual Theatre Games,

combining the thrill of sport with the sitting down of theatre.

As host school, Abbey Grove will choose the key word.

Each team will have one hour to devise a theatrical piece

based on that word.

Mr Harper...

..pick an envelope.

B for "Britney, bitch."

And the word is...

..abasement.

Sir, do you even know what abasement means?

Duh!

It's under a ground floor. Um...

Oh.

Right, line up in, um...

..height order.

OK...

Quickly, hurry up. I've got a bit on you.

Definitely taller than you. Picture this.

Fear And Loathing In Bas Vegas 3...

..The Russian Job.

Right, we're moving powder out of Budapest because... Well, work.

But some slags from Moscow have got us cornered.

Oi, Vladimir, Oestrogen, let us out!

"Na-yet!"

So now it looks like we've got to shoot our way out of this abasement.

Right, everyone, behind the barricade.

Yeah!

We're not going to win, are we?

I don't think so, no.

MUSIC: Dance Around It by Joel Corry and Caity Baser

Welcome to the - quote, unquote - legendary Nando's assault course.

The rules!

Get the balloon round the course using teamwork.

The balloon cannot touch the floor.

The black balloons at the very top of the spice scale

are full of something called California Reaper.

But you're not ready for those.

Plain Janes...

..let's go.

MUSIC: Whoo! Alright - Yeah... Uh Huh by The Rapture

HE COUGHS

GIRL SCREAMS

Get it together, you pussies!

It's only lemon and herb!

I guess I'll have to show how a real legend does it.

Cor, these Russians are proper naughty!

They got dogs an' all.

Looks like it's curtains for me and my geezers -

Jason, Baz, Boney and Turkish Tel.

THEY SNICKER

STILTED: They ain't taking the abasement yet.

Let's paint the walls with 'em.

Oh, my God. Cut!

I have seen more passion in a Mariah Carey performance.

I've had it! That's enough!

We've got ten minutes left and nothing to show for it!

Bye!

SHE SIGHS

Sorry, sir, but you are three-much!

We're relieving you of your duties.

Wait, what? Is this is a stitch up?

No, no, no, no, no... Mutiny! Mutiny!

You're all traitors!

No, no, no, no, no, get that thing away from me.

Not carbs, you little feeder!

Eat it! My body is a temple!

No! Eat it!

No, no!

Yes, yes, yes! Get it down you!

Mm! Mm, mm!

Dirty boy.

HE LAUGHS

MUSIC: 2 Be Loved (Am I Ready) by Lizzo

HE GASPS

Holy shit!

What?

Why am I wearing a beret?

Do you really not remember?

I remember...

I remember I was a bit of a prick.

I'm sorry, guys, I...

I think I was just hangry.

That'll do, Mr Harper. That'll do.

But what about the play?

I'm guessing abasement doesn't mean a basement?

It's too late, sir.

The performance starts in ten minutes.

No, I am not going to let you go out there and look like a bunch of wankers.

We need Mr Carmichael. Yeah.

A bit dramatic.

STEPHEN: Watch and learn.

Sir, sir, we need you! I messed up. The show starts in ten minutes

and we have nothing to show for it. Please, come back. Please! Sh.

I knew you lot would come crawling back.

Well, forget it!

Look, I know that I let the acting go to my head,

but don't take it out on the kids.

It's about time you lot learned a lesson.

Y'all can sleep in your lumpy beds cos I ain't ever coming back.

Shapische?!

HE SCREAMS

Argh, my eyes!

Jesus Christ!

ALL COUGHING

Did you use real chilli powder?

Well, duh! Are you mad?

- I just... - HE COUGHS

I just tell the kids it's chilli powder to get them psyched up!

What is legendary about that?!

Oh, my God! Warren!

My faithful companion, help me!

Oh! I've hit rock-bottom!

I'm dying. Don't worry, sir, everything's going to be OK.

My eyes!

DRAMATIC SOBS

- STIFLED COUGHING - Sh, sh!

Oh, Class K! Sing me my favourite lullaby.

ALL, SLOWLY: ♪ Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? ♪

Thank you!

♪ Don't cha...? ♪

STEPHEN SOBS

♪ Don't cha?

♪ Don't cha? ♪

We're sorry we abandoned you.

We had our heads turned by Mr Harper's 15 minutes of fame.

But now we know what a real star looks like.

A star?

Maybe I was once, but...

..look at what I've become.

A shadow of my former self!

But I will wilt no longer...

..and lay before y'all in this deadout look

and unmoisturised skin. WHISPERING: Skin, skin!

Ready to emerge from this cocoon!

AUDIENCE GASPS

Was he wearing that the whole time? Sh!

I remember that the bad bitch life chose me

and I will never, ever be basic again.

♪ I may have been humbled!

♪ I may have been abased! ♪

But now...

I'm free! ALL: Free!

Bravo! Hmm?

Bravo!

CHEERING

Wait...

HE CHUCKLES

Is this for me?

What is this?

Oh, Warren, describe their happy faces to me.

Paint me a picture of their tears.

Gentlemen! Refreshments, Abbey Grove style.

We've got tea, biscuits and some old copies of Rustle I had

squirrelled away for the janitor's Christmas present.

That poor man never got over the loss of his wife.

Um... Oh.

Oh, that's got a bit of...

Is that milk? Hmm.

OK. Um... Shall I be mother?

Ow! Sorry.

And, um... I'm sorry.

I think we both got a bit carried away.

Yes...

..you did.

But I'm sorry too.

Your assault course was actually pretty epic

and I maybe underestimated you.

Or overestimated me. Huh?

Using real chilli powder?

I mean, that's a bit bloody irresponsible, even for me.

I mean, I guess I didn't see you harnessing the power of illusion in PE.

Careful planning is the key to a successful lesson.

Ooft, you sound like a real teacher.

MITCHELL GAGS

You smell like a vindaloo!

Vinder who?

EXCITED CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

DRAMATIC SIGH

Congrats on the win,

cos you're certainly not winning at life.

Ugh, piss off, Patience.

Shove your straw hat up your arse.

Oh-ho-ho!

ALL: Oh-ho-ho!

LAUGHTER AND JEERING

I can't believe I did that!

Oh, my God!

Any second thoughts?

Absolutely not. We're over Dresden, Blessing.

Bombs away!

Mr Boss Man...

..isn't real.

But the bowler hat? The food stalls?

It was all me.

You were punishing me for looking out for my little brother,

so I wanted to get you back.

But you're all right, Miss.

And you're...

..top button is undone. I want a 2,000 word essay

on the importance of a covered neck.

You know I'm never going to do that.

I know.

I know!

Oh!

ST MAUD'S STUDENTS SCREAM

LAUGHTER

Miss!

SHE SCREAMS

MUSIC: Igor's Theme by Tyler, The Creator

So you're the dirty little...

Hi-yah!

Huh! Pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah!

Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow!

Hit!

Ow! Huh!

Hoi! Hoi!

Ha!

Ah!

GUNSHOTS

EXCITED CHATTER

Now, THAT'S acting!

♪ Yeah, proper tings

♪ Original style

♪ We come to kick it down

♪ The wicked man is wild

♪ Yeah. ♪