Original subtitles

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Well, congratulate me, I just managed to finagle

reservations for two at Emilio's.

How does that sound, honey?

Sounds good to me, sweetie.

That is wonderful, Willie.

What, is she coming too?

I thought this was gonna be our night!

Oh, for heaven's sake, ALF, it's Valentine's Day.

Kate and I are looking forward

to spending an evening alone together.

It's, it's what keeps us from becoming bitter.

I'll just spend Valentine's Day alone.

Without romance, without love..

...without two bodies beyond rational thought.

[sighs]

[groans]

Oh, sorry. I'm back.

Anyone call while I was gone?

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Oh, please, Willie? Stay home.

We'll order out. It'll be my treat.

By the way, can I borrow a couple of hundred till payday?

I seem to have misplaced your credit card.

For the last time, no, ALF.

[sighs]

[groans]

ALF, would you stop that!

Now, I understand that this is not an easy time for you.

And, so?

Actually, that was all.

Oh. Somebody needs a fresh diaper.

Willie.

Oh. Oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh!

- What is it? - Oh, my hands!

Look at them. They're shaking like a schoolboy's.

Oh, one of my favorite movie stars

just moved into this neighborhood.

"Louise Beaumont." Why does that name sound so familiar?

Oh, she was the aging vamp in "Footlight Fancies"

and she was the tap-dancing bag lady in Broadway and 74th.

And she played the Swedish bombshell

in "Stage Door Yohnny."

"I love you, Yohnny, you big yerk."

Oh, I remember Louise Beaumont.

She was a minor movie star in her day.

Willie, Louise is a queen.

A-and her castle's just a few blocks from here.

"Sunset Villa?" ALF, it's not a castle.

It's a retirement home.

It's not unlike the place

I'll be staying in long before my time.

Oh, let's do something mad, Willie.

Grab your Polaroid. We'll swing by the home.

- You're right, that is mad. - No, no, no. You see..

I'll hide while you ask her to sing

the theme from Naughty Senoritas.

[humming]

Please, please, ALF. Please.

Wouldn't be so bad if you could only carry a tune.

There. That ought to hold you till we get to the sitter's.

- We ready to go? - Yeah.

I'm gonna hold my breath until you take me to see Louise.

[inhales deeply]

Night, ALF.

[exhales]

- I'm gonna do it again. - Goodnight, ALF.

We'll bring you what's left off of our plates.

Oh, boy, oh, boy. I'm yumping for yoy.

Willie doesn't understand. He has his woman.

Poor schlub.

But, oh, Louise..

Oh, that's it. I deserve one night in the sun.

Oh. But I'll need a clever disguise.

Maybe Kate's wedding dress. Haven't worn that in a while.

Ugh. White always makes me look too busty.

[instrumental music]

Oh, wow!

This could be Louise's window.

That could be her nightstand.

Those could be her teeth!

Just my luck. She's not in them.

- 'I think it went that way.' - 'Did you see it?'

Where? Where? Oops!

(male #1) 'It was the ugliest thing I ever saw.'

'Did you catch the nose on that thing?'

Hey. Oh! Gotta learn to stop doing that!

Oh, look!

Uh, look, I know it's a long shot

but is this the Vatican Embassy?

What is it? What is it?

My guess, it's a giant talking rat.

Hey, hey, hey. Can a rat do this?

Jack, really. D-don't you know what that is?

I-it's a talking dog.

Uh, I'm sorry for my friends.

Oh, fine. You want a talking dog, I'm a talking dog.

The square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle

is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides.

Well, whatever you are, we aren't allowed pets or visitors

after 8 o'clock, so shoo, shoo.

- Wait, Bernie. - What?

Don't antagonize him. He might be one of those aliens.

Oh, no kidding.

Buenas noches, senor.

Bernie, I'm talking about an alien from outer space.

Don't hurt us. Please don't hurt us.

Oh, look, you seem like very nice people

with very little upper-body strength.

I'm gonna level with ya.

And this doesn't leave the room.

The guy with the pants pulled up to his neck is right.

I'm an alien.

Now, I'm sorry if I scared you.

People were chasing me.

For those of you who remember back that far.

[loudly] Do you eat and drink like normal humans?

[loudly] Depends on who you ask!

So you're an alien, eh?

Oh, son of a gun.

I always knew you guys were up there somewhere.

An alien, eh?

- You know what I think? - What?

I think he's here to make us young.

Just like in "Cocoon."

Oh. I never saw that movie.

- Yes, you did. - No, I didn't.

We rented it last week.

It's the one that Opie directed, remember?

Oh, yes!

It's an amazing achievement for an eight-year-old.

Let it go, Jack. Let it go.

I just came to get a peek at Louise Beaumont.

Just point me to her room. Can you do that?

She's just down the hall

but you can't see her unless you're a family member.

There's such a thing as rules, you know.

Well, I'm her ex-husband, okay?

I just wanna get a quick snapshot for old times sake.

Excuse me.

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

(female #1) 'Miss High-and-Mighty.'

'There's a talking dog out here who wants to meet you.'

(ALF) 'No, no, no. I don't want her to see me.'

'I just wanna take her picture.'

(male #2) Go on, go on.

[gasps]

Uh..

Hi, Miss Beaumont.

I hope my presence doesn't scare you.

Look, I don't know what you are

or who put you up to this, but I'm not interested.

So don't let the door hit your furry butt on the way out.

Who does she think she is? Roseanne Barr?

[instrumental music]

Gee, she seemed so much friendlier

in "Cellblock Serenade."

She treat all her fans this way?

Oh, forget about her. Let's talk about you.

You've been all over the universe.

What an incredible amount of knowledge you must have.

Tell us, what's it like in outer space?

Well, it's empty.

It's big. It's cold.

It's like "Star Trek V," without the toupees.

Well, ciao.

Oh, where are you going? Wh-where's he going?

Uh, sorry. My mission's accomplished here on Earth.

Nanu-Nanu.

(male #1) 'Let's try to take him alive.'

'I know he's here. I can smell his breath.'

(male #3) 'Can we mess with him first?'

Uh..

Maybe I'll stay until I get a ride home.

Mind if I use the phone?

He wants to phone home.

Just like in that movie "Splash."

I swear, if my bones weren't as brittle as saltines, I'd--

(male #4) 'Eddie, what's going on in there?'

- Oh. - Uh-oh.

Uh, listen, uh, I'll be in there. Okay?

Uh, remember, you never saw me. I don't exist, okay? Bye.

He's cute.

Okay, what are you guys up to?

Well, we don't have a talking dog in the other room

if that's what you're getting at.

(female #2) 'Hurry up, Ben. The champagne's getting flat.'

Uh..

Right.

She's, uh, she's helping me...study.

Uh..

If I have the operation

they say there's an 80% chance that I could study again.

"114.8." Perfect.

This thermometer tastes funny.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

My son.

I sacrificed myself for 30 years

to make him a successful stockbroker

and he put me in here. Two.

They should only make that embezzlement rap stick.

I get the idea. The boy's a lox.

Why do I have 16 cards?

[groans]

Do you realize that all you've done

since I got here is complain?

Well, there's got to be more!

Well, you're the one who broke up the gin game.

What's your problem, anyway? Pick, pick, pick, pick, pick.

I just think you're wasting some wonderful

valuable, precious time.

Let's have some fun.

How about I take you on the roof and show you where I'm from?

Would you like that?

This isn't just a trick to use us

as sex drones to repopulate your planet.

Again with that fantasy!

Up on the roof? Well, we-we could get into trouble.

I know, I know. It's against the rules.

Who cares? This isn't a prison!

You have choices. Take a chance for once.

Besides, who's gonna tell?

Okay, let's do it.

Hey, we're breaking the rules. How does it feel, Bernie?

Well, I wish I hadn't taken that water pill.

Well, as long as it's not windy up there, we're okay.

Come on, let's go!

[instrumental music]

Oh, it's you again. Get out.

Do you want me to call the night supervisor?

Oh, come on, Lou

I'm taking the over-the-hill gang

to the roof to show them where I'm from.

I may even do my lounge act.

I've been described as a short Wayne Newton.

I'm sorry. I'm too busy.

Doing what?

Staring out the window?

Every once in a while, a man walks by with a tire iron.

Something's going down, I know it.

Look, why don't you just come and join the party?

Look, I just don't want to, okay?

Isn't there another aging actress you can bother?

Try Milton Berle.

Fine.

Just that I took a lot of chances coming here

to catch a glimpse of the person

that Eleanor Roosevelt once called

the "Sexiest Woman Alive."

Stop it.

Leave me alone.

I don't need you to remind me that I was once important, okay?

You don't know what it's like

to suddenly end up in a home somewhere

with a bunch of people you don't know.

And have nothing left to look forward to.

Ha! Have I got a story.

Well, save it.

[knock on door]

Let's go, ALF. Ben's studying again.

We heard him through the vents.

Okay, okay. I'll be right out.

Check, check your fly.

Louise, please. Change your mind.

These people aren't so bad.

Sure, you don't wanna listen to them suck on a hard candy

but they grow on you.

Oh, go on. Join the others.

[chuckles] I've spent most of my life alone

another couple of years won't kill me.

Okay.

Do you think I could take your picture?

[camera clicks]

For what it's worth

this is still one of the nicest moments of my life.

[instrumental music]

[crickets chirping]

- Hey, hey, hey. - Ha, ha. Yeah! We made it!

Hey, high fives and low fours all around. Come on.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Oh, isn't this beautiful?

[chuckles]

Oh, look. Look. Th-there's your mothership.

Wave!

Yoo-hoo? Yoo-hoo, down here!

Get ready to be transported!

Rebecca, that's the Goodyear blimp.

Sure. That's what they'd like you to think.

Becca, open your eyes. We're not going anywhere.

ALF, you said you'd show us where you're from.

Yes, ALF, let us in on that wondrous secret

that few humans will ever know.

I'll do my best.

Let's see. I think you can see it right over there.

Yup, right there. See?

It's that cheap, white tract home

three houses in from the corner.

Kind of makes you feel insignificant, doesn't it?

Oh, no, no, no, that's the house I'm staying in

while I'm on Earth.

See, my planet exploded.

My lawyers recommend I make no further comment at this time.

Hey, look.

Ben's got quite a setup over here.

He's always up here studying.

That settles it. I'm going for that operation.

[jazz music on stereo]

Oh, isn't it romantic, though?

All the lights and, and the music and..

Oh, ALF. Thank you.

I'm going to send you a big soup bone later.

Hey, alright!

Well, ahem, who wants to dance?

Hey. See? What'd I tell ya?

I knew he had the hots for her.

Hey. I'm glad you changed your mind.

We were just getting down with our bad selves.

I-I just came up for some fresh air.

And..

Well, maybe I am a little curious about where you're from.

Okay.

Well..

See that cheap, white tract home

three houses in from the corner?

Yes.

Well, if you look straight up..

...it's the big star directly above it.

[gasps] Oh, my gosh.

[chuckles] That's so amazing!

Just think, a whole other world.

Do you, do you miss it?

Every day.

How do you keep your spirits up so far from home?

Well, I found making other people's lives miserable helps.

But you've gotta find your own way.

Louise, why don't you go over there and see if they wanna--

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Uh, maybe I better go back downstairs.

No, no, no. You just got here!

Besides, what good is sitting alone in your room?

Come. Hear the music play.

¶ Life is a cabaret old chum-- ¶¶

(Louise) Okay, okay.

Wouldn't be so bad if you could carry a tune.

[chuckles]

[quietly] You know, Bernie, it would be a nice gesture

if you went over and asked Louise to dance.

[loudly] What?

[screams] Dance with her!

She's already dancing. She didn't want me, the witch.

Oh, no. Louise.

Look, just dance with her, will you? Do it for me.

Do it as a favor, huh?

Uh-oh.

- Would you like to dance? - Mm-hm.

I hope she asked me to dance.

[jazz music on stereo]

Well, Tonto, I think our work here is done.

Jack, watch the hands!

I run a clean dance hall here.

[chuckles]

Ah!

[instrumental music]

And then, when I was at MGM, I went out with Clark Gable.

Wow! Hey, is it true what they say about men with big ears?

[laughing]

- ALF! - Willie.

I see you got my message. Come on over.

[chuckles] Oh, look. We have a visitor.

Who died?

What were you thinking?

I can't believe you'd expose yourself like this!

What? I'm wearing a sweatshirt.

You know what I mean.

Hey, lighten up. I'll fill you in later.

Now, I want you to meet my friends.

- 'Bernie, Rebecca, Jack..' - Hello there.

And, of course, Louise Beaumont.

How do you do?

This is my best friend, Willie.

Hello. It's nice to meet you. I'll pay for the damages.

- Come on. We should be going. - Well, just a second.

I have to say goodbye now.

I'll always remember you guys.

Only wish you could say the same about me.

Goodbye, ALF.

I want you to have this.

It's the scarf I wore in "Stage Door Yohnny."

[gasps]

Oh, thank you!

Wow. I wish I had something to return the favor.

You already have, dear.

Happy Valentine's Day, ALF.

[exhales]

- Bye, guys. - 'Bye.'

- Goodbye. - Bye.

I don't know why, but I think I may be proud of you.

Yeah? Save it till we get past the guy with the tire iron.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[ALF laughs]