Original subtitles

Hi.

Hi, Lynnie. How's the painting coming?

Be honest.

What do you think?

Sorry, babe. It doesn't speak to me.

Next.

I, I think it's very nice.

It looks good enough to eat.

So you didn't get the conflicting disharmony

Between man and nature?

[chuckles] I have to be honest, Lynne.

Uh, I'm afraid all I see is a very happy pear.

Lynne, a word to the wise.

Forget art.

Stick with plan A.

Throw yourself at the first rich man

to come along.

No. This class means a lot to me.

It's being taught by a very respected artist in residence.

What, he couldn't afford a place of his own?

- It means that he's-- - I know what it means.

You know, I happen to have a nodding acquaintance

with painting myself.

I've seen you paint yourself many times.

Go ahead, mock me.

But I was quite the artist in my time.

I could paint any canvas any color

For $29.95.

No ups, no extras.

You know, I just had a thought.

Perhaps if you were to rekindle your interest in art

it might be a less destructive and costly way

for you to spend your idle hours.

You know, the ones between waking up and falling asleep.

Oh, ha-ha.

Courtesy laugh.

Willie, I accept your offer.

So, Kate, ever done any nude modeling?

Talk about a conflicting disharmony

between man and nature.

Oh!

[theme music]

[music continues]

[Ride Of The Valkyries]

Oh, I'm worthless!

I'm nothing!

I'm a disappointment to my parents.

Willie, spit on me.

I just took an antihistamine.

Otherwise..

What are you doing, anyway?

I'm suffering for my art.

Is it necessary that we all suffer along with you?

Well, I need inspiration.

I'm thinking about cutting something off.

May I make a suggestion?

Oh, I knew a mere civil servant like you

wouldn't understand.

I, on the other hand, have to make a statement with my life.

And you plan to do it with peanut butter?

Yeah. It was one of those happy accidents.

I've also done some interesting things with pasta.

You wanna buy it?

$39.95.

No ups, no extras.

I'm afraid it'd be wasted on a mere civil servant like me.

Remember?

I like a man who knows his place.

Goodnight, ALF.

Let's see.

Maybe I need to torture myself some more.

But how?

They won't let me have matches.

Aah. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ok, I'll paint! I'll paint!

Just let go!

Yeah, yeah.

Better.

[instrumental music]

[humming]

Stop it!

I'm sorry.

I didn't get any sleep last night.

Nobody did.

Who would've thought that ALF could

whistle Wagner for eight hours?

Especially considering he's got no lips.

Good morning, Tanners!

Isn't it a beautiful day?

Not after what you put us through, no.

Do you want pancakes or not?

No, thanks. I'm done suffering.

Besides, I finished my..

...masterpiece.

Masterpiece?

Everybody, it's time for the unveiling.

Step into the gallery.

Stay behind the velvet ropes.

No flash photography.

Check your guns at the door.

Come on.

Let's get this over with.

Okay, okay.

First I'll start with a biography of the artist.

He was just 17.

You know what I mean.

And the way he looked

is way beyond compare.

ALF, just uncover the damn thing.

Fine, fine.

Americans rush, rush, rush, rush, rush.

Huh!

Ta-da!

Looks like something I saw at traffic school.

Thank you, Kate. I was worried you'd ridicule it.

So, Lynne, don't you think your art teacher

would want the privilege of seeing it?

Hint, hint, hint.

Sorry, babe. It doesn't speak to me.

But your teacher's a famous artist.

Let him judge my work.

- Nope. - Why not?

Because you're not in his class.

But this could be my big break!

My one-way ticket out of here, forever.

Take the painting. I know it's a long shot.

Mom!

[sighs] I can dream, can't I?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've only got a couple of hours

to make my pear cry out for the loss of humanity.

You know her problem?

She doesn't have a tortured soul.

[scoffs] She can have mine.

What does she mean? What does she mean?

Huh?

[instrumental music]

Very good.

- Mr. Reuben? - Mm-hmm.

Do you think I'm making a proper use

of negative space here?

I'm trying for a primitive, brooding sensibility.

Another art major. Somebody call security.

Wally, you're doing fine.

A-ha, a nude.

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, you quiet little thing you.

I don't have to worry about you anymore.

Very attractive.

Thank you.

Well..

You two..

Well, I like to think I brought you lugs together.

Mm-hmm.

- Hi, Lynne. - Hi, Mr. Reuben.

You keep a neat work area.

Thank you.

Do you perchance have

anything to show me?

I make it a point never to

follow children or nudes.

Oh, Lynne.

[sighs]

Let's have a look-see.

[gasps] Mr. Reuben, I can explain!

Well, not without stretching reality, but I can. See--

Class, class..

Oh, no.

I want you to see something.

What do you think?

- I'll tell you what you think. - In my defense, Mr. Reuben.

I think I should tell you this is a mistake.

No, no, no, Lynne. There are no mistakes.

I am seeing a side of you

that I have never seen before.

And it's brave.

Raw, but inspired.

Very good work.

Actually, uh

I was a little more fond of, of this.

Ah.

(all) Ah.

- Nah. - Nah.

No, that we put in a model home in the Valley.

But this? This speaks from your soul.

Is this spinach fettuccine?

Uh, yes.

Lynne, you've made great strides here.

You have combined the stylistic elements

of Pollock, Rauschenberg

Jasper Johns..

Chef Boyardee.

[laughs]

[class laughs]

Toadies. I love them.

[instrumental music]

You are in big trouble, mister.

You've got a lot of explaining to do.

Oh, Willie, Willie.

You're a constant disappointment

to Kate and me.

Do you know what he did?

He stuffed his painting in my portfolio

thinking somehow Mr. Reuben would critique it

before I could find it.

Oh, that was an awfully stupid plan, ALF.

That's what I thought at first.

It worked. I knew it!

I knew watching "The Brady Bunch"

wasn't a waste of time!

What did he have to say? Huh, huh, huh?

Oh, great. The fun part.

Now I get to tell him.

I knew it. He hated it.

Excuse me while I open a vein.

Wait, ALF, before you make a mess

the truth is he liked it.

He said it was brave

raw, and inspired.

Oh, joy!

Oh, rapture!

My day and a half of suffering has paid off.

You mean it's possible

that this could truly be a work of art?

And so the breakdown of human civilization begins.

This is horrible.

Mr. Reuben thinks I have talent.

What am I going to do?

Oh, how do you get yourself into these things?

What you did was thoughtless

selfish, and egotistical.

You spend your life raising them

and this is the thanks you get.

[Ride Of The Valkyries]

No, it's wrong.

It's all wrong!

Hey, ALF, I got the supplies you wanted.

Where have you been?

I can't work like this!

I'm a genius.

I don't have to stand for this incompetence.

Thanks, guy.

What's going on with you?

Well, Lloyd Reuben thinks I'm a genius.

And as a genius, I'm entitled to throw meaningless tantrums

from time to time.

So get used to it!

[softly] Okay?

[chuckles] I think I liked you better as a constant drain.

Hi, dad.

ALF, where did all these paintings come from?

I had a sudden burst of inspiration.

I discovered Luther Vandross

Well, boogie down Broadway.

Where am I supposed to work?

Will you stop it!

Will you all just stop it!

Oh! Why was I cursed with such talent?

[sighs]

Um, at the risk of being yelled at

don't you think you're overreacting just a bit?

I mean, just because he liked your first painting--

Wake up.

Someday, with Lloyd's help

I'm going to be famous!

[laughs]

Oh, I could be right up there with Gauguin, Picasso

Red Skelton.

We could hang together and do lunch!

You know those guys get the best tables.

I don't think you're gonna be

dining with Gauguin.

Maybe not at first, but you'll see.

People will be dropping my name at dinner parties.

And you know what comes with that kind of fame?

Two weeks in the Betty Ford Center?

Ancillary rights

greeting cards

coffee mugs.

That's what art is all about!

Ask Garfield

if you can ever get him on the phone.

As long as you're in it for all the right reasons.

Now, if you will excuse me

I have my own painting to work on.

Wait, Lynne. Don't you want my professional opinion?

I'd rather poke myself in the eye

with a sharp stick.

Lack of confidence.

Not a good sign.

[groans] P.U! Stinkaroni.

Set off a smoke detector, why don't ya?

- Dad! - ALF!

Lynne's been working very hard on that painting.

Haven't you ever heard the expression

"beating a dead horse"?

[laughs]

[instrumental music]

Alright, now, before we adjourn

who had a chance to read the review

of my gallery opening downtown?

I just happen to have a copy.

Who wants to read?

Ellen.

[clears throat]

"With his current show, Mr. Reuben has superbly shown

"the otherwise tame Los Angeles art scene

"that neoclassicism is still a valid and innovative form

of two-dimensional expression."

Oh!

[applause]

Well, thank you, thank you.

You know, if it had come from me

it would have been boasting.

And, by the way, did I mention

that if you buy anything for $2,000 or more

you don't have to take the final?

Alright, I'll see you next week.

Say, Ellen, do you plan on doing anymore posing?

Lynne, you had any new breakthroughs this week?

Well, it may not be as brave and raw

as the last assignment

but it won't go stale, either.

Well.. It's, it's different.

It's just as valid.

Just as interpretive in its own way.

You know, Lynne, once you find your artistic voice

there's going to be no shutting you up.

And that's good, right?

I think we should talk about this over coffee.

In fact, we could catch a gallery opening.

I hear mine's pretty good.

- In all modesty. - So it's a date.

In fact, there's a great piano bar next door.

Sometimes Mel Torme drops in and does a set.

Uh, Mr. Reuben

I'm flattered, very, but--

Oh, wait a minute. I-I'm going too fast.

Uh, forget the Mel thing.

I-I forgot what age bracket

I was hitting on.

You neoclassicists are all alike.

Mr. Reuben..

All that stuff you said about brave and inspired?

Were you just saying that, or do you really like my work?

Well...like is..

...is such a subjective term.

I mean, art is art.

You know, there's no good, there's no bad.

But you do have an opinion.

My opinion shouldn't matter.

- But you're the teacher. - But I'm not a good one.

I thought you said there was no good or bad.

You just complimented me

because you wanted to go out with me.

I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Let's start all over again.

I don't like your work.

Will you go out with me?

No.

You don't like me?

Like is such a subjective term.

[instrumental music]

Hey, what's going on?

How come all your paintings are stacked up in here?

I'm getting ready for my first retrospective.

"ALF, The Early Weeks."

Just get them all out of here

before they start to draw ants.

Hi, guys!

ALF, I have something to tell you

that you might find very interesting.

Good news?

It is to me. Ha!

Uh-oh. I detect a stage-three smug alert.

Well, I'm trying to be big about this

But it's just so darn hard.

Lynne, it's not nice to be petty.

I'm sorry, dad.

¶ Guess whose career is in the toilet ¶

Much better.

Today in class, Mr. Reuben said he liked my latest work.

Oh, finally, something that makes sense on some level.

Wait, dad. It gets even better.

It turns out he only said it

because he thought I'd go out with him.

So he lied to you?

[chuckles] For a second there

I was starting to lose respect for the guy.

So what are you going to wear?

As usual, you're not listening.

Mr. Reuben never liked your work.

Yours or mine. Sinking in yet?

So you're saying this affects me.

Yes! I'm sorry, ALF.

But you're going to have to forget about

the greeting cards, the coffee mugs

and the dinners with Gauguin.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Lynne, we could still save this!

Go out with him!

I'm not above trading on your good looks.

That is absolutely insulting.

Anyway, I already transferred into another class.

Well, no! Go back! Please?

Please, please, please, please, please?

Well..

- Oh! - That's it.

It's over.

I can't believe it.

My life no longer has meaning.

Everything back to normal.

Well, you wanna split a soda?

- Okay. - Hmm. Popcorn?

Thanks.

[instrumental music]

My life is over.

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

ALF?

Yeah, what?

Can I come in?

Suit yourself.

I noticed you didn't come to dinner.

You okay?

Food only reminds me of my shattered career.

Besides...I've been snacking off my early works.

I just wanted you to know

that I guess I could've told you

in a more diplomatic way.

It's just that you were so obnoxious.

Yeah.

I'm going to miss those days.

[chuckles] They'll be back.

We're just enjoying the breather.

Hey, when did you start the fresco?

Oh, now you're gonna tell me you like it out of pity.

I resent that. Take it back.

Well, if it helps any

I really don't care for it all that much.

Don't patronize me.

ALF, what do you want?

Well, if you weren't such a priss

I'd have a career by now!

[sighs] Just because art doesn't bring you money and fame

it's no reason to quit.

A lot of great artists

never lived to see their own success.

Then what's the point?

The point is, if you like to paint, paint.

Oh, yeah, sure.

What the world needs is more mediocrity.

Isn't first-run syndication enough?

Granted your art may be mediocre..

- Hey! - See? You do care.

So why don't you just go ahead and finish it?

You know, with no expectations

but just for the pure pleasure of doing it.

So you're saying I should spend hours on my back

suffering over some cockamamie fresco

all to gain some inner satisfaction?

That doesn't sound very lucrative.

[sighs]

I give up. I tried.

My conscience is clear.

[sighs] The pain.

What's the use?

Why go on?

It's all kind of empty without the promise of cash.

[instrumental music]

I can't believe those cranked out

assembly line paintings of yours

were the only things that sold at our garage sale.

Like they say, "Give the public what they want."

Well, they also say, "There's one born every minute."

And they all seem to live on our block.

So let's see.

That's 13 paintings

red-tagged to move at $19.95.

No ups, no extras.

That comes to roughly..

...four million!

Try $259.35.

Well, I said roughly.

Boy, you have an attitude.

Chill out.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[ALF laughing]