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1
00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:06,305
(man on TV)
'And now, direct from his
tour of Canadian prisons'
2
00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:08,574
'Giggles in the valley
is very proud to present'
3
00:00:08,576 --> 00:00:11,543
the comedy of Larry Slotkin!
4
00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:12,845
Larry Slotkin!
5
00:00:12,847 --> 00:00:14,847
[applause]
6
00:00:16,951 --> 00:00:20,285
Thank you, Sid, and polyester's
definitely your color.
7
00:00:20,287 --> 00:00:23,055
[audience laughing]
8
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:25,057
Well, I don't think so.
9
00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:26,458
[TV switches off]
10
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:28,794
Oh, I'm sorry,
were you watching?
11
00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:31,263
No, we were just sitting here
12
00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:33,999
pretending to be throw pillows.
13
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:36,502
Well, I think Kate's
doing the better job.
14
00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:40,372
ALF, we like this program.
We find it funny.
15
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,041
Oh, come on!
16
00:00:42,043 --> 00:00:44,643
You could put anybody up
in front of prisoners
17
00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:46,412
and they're gonna laugh.
18
00:00:46,414 --> 00:00:48,614
Especially in Canada.
19
00:00:48,616 --> 00:00:51,517
I'm funnier than
anyone you saw tonight.
20
00:00:51,519 --> 00:00:53,252
No, you're not.
21
00:00:53,254 --> 00:00:54,586
Oh, really?
22
00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:57,656
A rabbi, a priest and an
atheist walk into a bar.
23
00:00:57,658 --> 00:00:58,757
You're funny, you're funny.
24
00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:01,393
Just don't tell that joke again.
25
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:03,262
ALF, friends will
say you're funny
26
00:01:03,264 --> 00:01:05,597
even when you're really
not, as you just witnessed.
27
00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:08,767
Now, being a comedian takes
years of hard work
28
00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:11,570
and-and personal sacrifice.
29
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:14,173
Well, I don't know
about sacrifice.
30
00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:18,143
But I've never been one to
shy away from hard work.
31
00:01:18,145 --> 00:01:21,213
(Both)
Ha ha ha ha.
32
00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:23,549
See? Made you laugh!
33
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:27,886
[theme music]
34
00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:57,916
[music continues]
35
00:02:26,213 --> 00:02:28,213
[instrumental music]
36
00:02:28,215 --> 00:02:31,216
[keys clacking]
37
00:02:31,218 --> 00:02:32,351
Ha ha ha!
38
00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:34,720
ALF! It's 1:00 in the morning!
39
00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:35,988
Not now, not now.
40
00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:38,590
Are you gonna type all night?
41
00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:39,892
Look, while you're here,
42
00:02:39,894 --> 00:02:42,194
let me run some
very hip jokes by you.
43
00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:45,597
When I'm done, there won't
be a dry seat in the house.
44
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:49,935
There's a challenge I
never thought I'd face.
45
00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:52,905
Okay, let's get this over with.
46
00:02:52,907 --> 00:02:55,908
Good, you're psyched.
47
00:02:55,910 --> 00:03:00,345
Anyone here ever been
to a fast-food restaurant?
48
00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:02,881
On Melmac, they were the worst.
49
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:05,617
You'd ask for extra crispy.
50
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,554
They'd bring you a
cat with arthritis!
51
00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:11,323
Ha ha ha!
52
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:14,693
ALF, take my advice.
Don't quit your day job.
53
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:17,696
Which, in your case,
is just an expression.
54
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:21,333
Aah.
55
00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:24,102
Like he knows
anything about comedy.
56
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:28,173
Mr. "Oh, here's a
humorous paradox
57
00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:30,842
I read about in
"Scientific American"."
58
00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:35,214
I'm funny. I am.
59
00:03:35,216 --> 00:03:37,149
I could be a comic.
60
00:03:37,151 --> 00:03:38,684
I am funny.
61
00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:40,052
I really am!
62
00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:41,787
Hey, does anyone want
to hear a good gag?
63
00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:43,288
(audience)
Yeah!
64
00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:44,923
[gags]
65
00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:46,992
[audience groans]
66
00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:48,927
'I just bought a new car..'
67
00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:50,996
'It's not really new,
it's an old U.P.S. Truck.'
68
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:52,931
Hi! I'm ALF.
69
00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:55,267
Stand-up comic extraordinaire.
70
00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:58,370
I go on right
before the fat guy.
71
00:03:58,372 --> 00:04:00,239
Whoops.
72
00:04:00,241 --> 00:04:02,107
My name's Howie Anderson.
73
00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:05,978
I sweat when I get nervous.
74
00:04:05,980 --> 00:04:08,380
I hope the stage
has good drainage.
75
00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:11,917
This is my first time
getting up there.
76
00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,518
I'm really nervous.
77
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:16,121
You're not gonna faint, are you?
78
00:04:16,123 --> 00:04:18,357
I know you're just
starting out, too.
79
00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:22,628
But I can tell, you have star
quality written all over you.
80
00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:24,763
Any suggestions you can give me?
81
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,832
Well, if I were you, babe.
82
00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:29,768
I'd use that weight
thing in my act.
83
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,770
The weight thing.
84
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:34,006
Yeah, that might work.
85
00:04:34,008 --> 00:04:34,873
Thanks.
86
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,475
Ah, don't mention it.
87
00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:37,809
You're lucky.
88
00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:39,978
I don't have any
physical characteristics
89
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:42,047
I could play off of.
90
00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:44,983
Okay, right now, I'd like you
91
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:47,886
to give a very warm Giggles
welcome to a newcomer.
92
00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:52,157
He goes by the name of
Gordon ALF Shumway.
93
00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:53,292
[chuckles]
94
00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:56,295
[applause]
95
00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,398
- Thank you, Sid.
- Yeah.
96
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:02,167
Just don't stink up the joint.
97
00:05:02,169 --> 00:05:06,438
So, anyone here ever been
to a fast food restaurant?
98
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,740
On Melmac, they were the worst.
99
00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:10,375
You'd ask for extra crispy.
100
00:05:10,377 --> 00:05:12,844
They'd give you a
cat with arthritis!
101
00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:15,447
[audience laughing]
102
00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:20,352
You hear about the Melmacian
National Library burning down?
103
00:05:20,354 --> 00:05:23,121
They lost both books!
104
00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:25,624
And the second one
wasn't even colored in yet!
105
00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:26,925
Ha ha!
106
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:29,127
[audience laughs and applauds]
107
00:05:31,398 --> 00:05:33,932
I'll tell you,
women...am I right?
108
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,934
'Take my girlfriend, Rhonda.'
109
00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:38,136
I could always tell
when she was mad
110
00:05:38,138 --> 00:05:41,139
by the way the fur on
her back would stand up.
111
00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:43,041
Ha ha! Oh!
112
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,210
[audience laughing]
113
00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:47,279
[laughing]
I've got to stop you.
114
00:05:47,281 --> 00:05:49,848
I mean, I've been running
comedy clubs forever.
115
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:53,452
But you have redefined
comedy in America.
116
00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:56,455
[applause]
117
00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:00,992
Before we get back to your act,
there's somebody over here
118
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:02,828
who is dying to meet you.
119
00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:06,298
Brandon Tartikoff! In my club!
120
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:08,900
Hi.
121
00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:10,802
- Brandon who?
- Brandon Tartikoff.
122
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:13,004
I'm head of programming at NBC.
123
00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:16,041
Yeah, uh, Brandon,
people are waiting.
124
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:18,643
Alright, alright, alright.
I'll-I'll cut to the chase.
125
00:06:18,645 --> 00:06:20,011
You're a funny guy.
126
00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:21,046
We'd like to give you your own
127
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:23,715
prime-time sitcom to star in.
128
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,984
Gee, I don't know. TV?
129
00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:28,387
I always thought
my future was in film.
130
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:31,857
So-so did Shelley Long.
131
00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:34,493
Listen, ALF, we'll give
you almost anything
132
00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:36,194
to get you on NBC.
133
00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:39,064
Frankly, uh, we're desperate.
134
00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:41,099
Hey, you don't
have to convince me.
135
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:43,101
I saw "Nutt House"!
136
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:45,237
(Audience)
'Ohh!'
137
00:06:45,239 --> 00:06:47,939
So what do you say?
Are you in or out?
138
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:51,276
Out. And next time,
go through my agent.
139
00:06:51,278 --> 00:06:54,613
You've been in the business long
enough to know how it works.
140
00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:56,548
You're right. I-I'm sorry.
141
00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:58,383
I-I overstepped.
142
00:06:58,385 --> 00:07:00,652
Hey. How did he slip in?
143
00:07:00,654 --> 00:07:03,388
Who's watching the door?
144
00:07:03,390 --> 00:07:04,990
Come on, guys!
145
00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:07,926
ALF, you were wonderful!
146
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,028
I had to dig my
nails into my chair
147
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:12,964
to keep from laughing out loud!
148
00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:16,401
Willie, one day you're
going to explode.
149
00:07:16,403 --> 00:07:18,336
[everyone laughs]
150
00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:22,707
ALF, you really did
redefine comedy in America.
151
00:07:22,709 --> 00:07:24,309
I can't believe I doubted you.
152
00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:26,011
I mean, I am wrong
a lot of the time.
153
00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:28,547
But pff, I outdid myself here.
154
00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:29,848
It's okay.
155
00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:32,117
I don't expect that
much from you.
156
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,486
[everyone laughs]
157
00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:38,089
Oh, ALF? Um, could you
start hanging out with me?
158
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:41,126
That way, I could be
popular with the cool kids.
159
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:44,062
Depends. What's in it for me?
160
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:46,531
The knowledge you'd
be making them happy?
161
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,668
No, really.
162
00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:50,802
Oh!
163
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:51,837
[everyone laughs]
164
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:53,071
Oh!
165
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:58,343
[instrumental music]
166
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:14,326
[telephone rings]
167
00:08:14,328 --> 00:08:16,628
This one's from a man in Texas.
168
00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:18,930
He calls you a genius four times
169
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:20,632
and that's just on the envelope.
170
00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:23,235
Check it for money,
then throw it away.
171
00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:27,172
The people from "Charles in
Charge" are on the phone, sir.
172
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,206
They'd like to know
if you'd like to be
173
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:29,908
a regular on that show.
174
00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:34,179
Tell 'em if they dump Scott
Baio and call it "ALF in Charge"
175
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:36,681
I'll think about it.
176
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:38,550
Right. Thank you, Mr. ALF, sir.
177
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,152
Barbara Walters needs an answer.
178
00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:43,488
Are you going to do her
Academy Award night special?
179
00:08:43,490 --> 00:08:45,156
Am I the only guest?
180
00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:48,627
No. Marlon Brando and Margaret
Thatcher will be on, too.
181
00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:49,995
Pass.
182
00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:51,329
[doorbell rings]
183
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:56,034
When will it all stop?
I need my rest!
184
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,003
ALF, do we have to
go into the kitchen?
185
00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:00,839
You know the rules, son.
186
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,974
It's Mrs. Ochmonek.
187
00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:04,209
Stay!
188
00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:07,712
Where have you been keeping him?
189
00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:09,981
[gasps]
There he is! Oh!
190
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:12,918
[laughs]
191
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,786
I laugh just looking at you.
192
00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:16,054
Yeah, same back at you.
193
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,089
Oh! Ho ho ho!
194
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:20,258
Mr. Shumway, would you
be willing to come over
195
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:23,094
and meet my bridge
club? They all adore you.
196
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:25,564
Look, any other time,
I would have said "yes."
197
00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:27,465
But I have a life now.
198
00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:30,235
Oh! Ha ha ha!
199
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:32,637
I love this funny man.
200
00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:36,007
Well, would you at least
autograph a picture for me?
201
00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:37,709
Brian!
202
00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:40,078
I don't do my own autographs.
203
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,147
But I will touch the photo.
204
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:47,719
Well, I'd better get back.
205
00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:49,988
Thank you, Mr. Shumway.
206
00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:51,256
Yeah. You're welcome.
207
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:52,924
Check her for money
and get her out of here.
208
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:54,492
Ha ha ha!
209
00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:58,029
He ad-libbed for me!
Oh, ho ho ho!
210
00:09:58,031 --> 00:10:01,266
Oh, I hope to see you around.
211
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,335
Save me a fur ball.
212
00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:06,671
Well, I'm off to the track.
213
00:10:06,673 --> 00:10:10,041
I thought I'd fritter away
some more of my money.
214
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:11,643
Ha ha ha ha!
215
00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:14,446
But what about the, uh,
lifetime achievement award
216
00:10:14,448 --> 00:10:16,214
you're being given tonight?
217
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:18,683
Shouldn't you be working
on your acceptance speech?
218
00:10:18,685 --> 00:10:20,285
I'll wing it.
219
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:23,288
Oh, and sorry I didn't
invite you to the ceremony.
220
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:26,625
But you know why that is.
221
00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:28,827
Because once, we
said you weren't funny.
222
00:10:30,564 --> 00:10:32,097
That's right.
223
00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:34,899
Now, you know where you belong.
224
00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:36,334
(both)
The attic.
225
00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:41,339
And don't touch my things!
226
00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:48,246
[instrumental music]
227
00:10:50,917 --> 00:10:53,518
[applause]
228
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:57,288
Thank you. Thank you very much.
229
00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:59,557
Tonight, the people's
choice awards
230
00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:02,961
has chosen to honor a
man who has revolutionized
231
00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:04,596
the field of comedy.
232
00:11:04,598 --> 00:11:07,465
Gordon "ALF" Shumway
has been responsible
233
00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:10,602
for a body of work
stretching back to Monday.
234
00:11:12,406 --> 00:11:15,907
Unfortunately, Gordon is
running just a little bit late.
235
00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:17,976
But he did call in on
his car phone, and--
236
00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:19,744
[drum roll]
237
00:11:19,746 --> 00:11:23,348
Ah, we've just received
word Gordon is in the building.
238
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:26,151
[audience applauds]
239
00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:29,354
[fanfare plays]
240
00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:33,458
Thank you! Thank you!
241
00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:36,594
So, how's life after Bandstand?
242
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:39,030
I'm afraid you have me
confused with somebody else.
243
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,799
Oh, I'm so sorry.
244
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:43,802
Don Cornelius, ladies
and gentlemen, huh?
245
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:45,136
Ha ha!
246
00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:47,138
Go sit down, will you?
247
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,740
Get out of here.
248
00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:52,544
Look, I'm not a speech maker.
249
00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:54,512
I'm a beloved entertainer.
250
00:11:54,514 --> 00:11:56,981
So I'm gonna do what I do best
251
00:11:56,983 --> 00:11:58,817
and tell a few jokes.
252
00:11:58,819 --> 00:12:00,785
[applause]
253
00:12:00,787 --> 00:12:04,956
Anyone here ever been
to a fast food restaurant?
254
00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:07,392
On Melmac, they were the worst!
255
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:09,194
You'd ask for extra crispy.
256
00:12:09,196 --> 00:12:11,863
They'd give you a
cat with arthritis!
257
00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:13,131
Yadda yadda bing bing!
258
00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,667
[audience laughs]
259
00:12:15,669 --> 00:12:17,035
(male #1)
'Hey, Gordon!'
260
00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:19,070
'Let's hear some new stuff!'
261
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,538
New stuff?
262
00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:22,540
'Yeah, like stuff you
haven't done before!'
263
00:12:22,542 --> 00:12:23,775
(audience)
'Yeah! Yeah!'
264
00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:25,543
Oh, oh, oh, new stuff!
265
00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:27,946
Oh, sure! Uh, did you hear about
266
00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:31,349
the Melmacian National
Library burning down?
267
00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:34,652
(audience)
'Yeah, they lost both books.'
268
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:37,455
[audience boos]
269
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:40,391
Okay, okay, stop me
if you heard this one.
270
00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:42,594
(audience)
'Stop! Stop!'
271
00:12:49,236 --> 00:12:51,069
That's what I get for
giving this business
272
00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:53,338
the three best days of my life.
273
00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:54,572
[audience boos]
274
00:12:54,574 --> 00:12:55,607
Ingrates!
275
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:01,846
[instrumental music]
276
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:21,699
Just tell Ms. Walters I'm
ready to do her show now.
277
00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:24,636
The name's ALF.
278
00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:27,906
A-L-F.
279
00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:32,811
Well, I was really big
a couple of days ago.
280
00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:37,615
You know as well as I do
it's never gonna freeze over!
281
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:43,822
Is it just me, or did my
career fizzle all of a sudden?
282
00:13:43,824 --> 00:13:45,623
ALF, Woody Allen called.
283
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:47,625
He said that you confirmed
284
00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:49,961
everything he thought
about television.
285
00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:52,330
Really?
286
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:55,200
He said that about me?
287
00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:58,236
Let it go. You're washed up.
288
00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:00,839
No! I can't be washed up!
289
00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:02,540
Not yet!
290
00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:04,209
ALF, is it possible
that your fame
291
00:14:04,211 --> 00:14:06,144
lasted as long as
it was supposed to?
292
00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:10,415
Andy Warhol said that everyone
would be famous for 15 minutes.
293
00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:13,651
Well, I want more
than 15 minutes!
294
00:14:13,653 --> 00:14:16,988
I deserve at least as much
time as Gavin Macleod got.
295
00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:21,526
[instrumental music]
296
00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:40,545
[Rudolph sputters]
297
00:14:41,948 --> 00:14:43,081
Got it!
298
00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:50,221
Uh, time's up! Time's up!
299
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:52,557
[plates shatter]
300
00:14:54,995 --> 00:14:57,262
[audience claps]
301
00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:58,296
Alright, alright.
302
00:14:58,298 --> 00:14:59,364
Don't encourage him.
303
00:14:59,366 --> 00:15:00,765
He'll come back.
304
00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:03,434
[coughs]
305
00:15:05,171 --> 00:15:07,739
Alright, I have a couple
of announcements to make.
306
00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:11,209
Bingo starts at
7 o'clock, not 6:00.
307
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:14,646
Also, whoever's been
taking the "F" from my name
308
00:15:14,648 --> 00:15:16,080
better knock it off.
309
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:18,449
It's "ALF," not "AL."
310
00:15:19,886 --> 00:15:23,554
So, anyone here ever been
to a fast food restaurant?
311
00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,657
On Melmac, they were the worst.
312
00:15:25,659 --> 00:15:27,292
You'd ask for extra crispy,
they'd give you
313
00:15:27,294 --> 00:15:29,494
a cat with arthritis.
No problem.
314
00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:37,535
Alright, folks.
315
00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:40,071
Gonna step out of
character for a second here
316
00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:41,806
and explain something.
317
00:15:41,808 --> 00:15:43,274
These are jokes.
318
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:47,445
They were funny ten years
ago, they're funny now.
319
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:50,114
So it wouldn't
kill you to laugh.
320
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:51,649
Now back to the routine.
321
00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:54,252
Did you hear about the
Melmacian National Library?
322
00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:56,421
[blender whirs]
323
00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:58,456
Hey, hey! Hey, bartender!
324
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:01,726
Excuse me! I'm in
the middle of my act!
325
00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:04,762
How many people would
rather listen to the blender?
326
00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:07,966
[audience laughing
and applauding]
327
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:11,469
And where's my wife's margarita?
328
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:14,472
Hey. When I'm finished,
I'll bring her a trough.
329
00:16:16,209 --> 00:16:18,509
What's that supposed to mean?
330
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:22,113
[sighs]
It's a joke!
331
00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:25,583
Am I the only one in this room
who understands comedy?
332
00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:27,986
Are you trying to be funny?
333
00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:29,754
I knew you wouldn't
get this stuff.
334
00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:32,156
You barely understood
the buffet table.
335
00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:34,792
That's it.
336
00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:37,795
I'm gonna take that
microphone and I'm gonna--
337
00:16:37,797 --> 00:16:41,199
Hey! If there's any fighting in
here, I'm gonna throw you out!
338
00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:42,500
You tell him!
339
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,569
I'm talking to you, Shumway!
340
00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:49,540
Go by table four and
clean up the vomit.
341
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:51,442
Hey, Mr. Polniakoff.
342
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:53,845
There are certain
things I won't do.
343
00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:56,247
Well, then, you're fired!
344
00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:59,150
However, cleaning up
vomit is not one of them.
345
00:17:00,954 --> 00:17:04,322
Hey, here's Howie Anderson,
the comedian!
346
00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:05,857
Ha! How-ie!
347
00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:07,792
(audience)
How-ie! How-ie!
348
00:17:07,794 --> 00:17:09,861
Oh, like I need this.
349
00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:12,196
Hey, tell some jokes, Howie.
350
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,532
- Oh, I just dropped by.
- Ahh..
351
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:16,300
Well, I wasn't
planning to perform.
352
00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:17,668
- But if you insist..
- Ha!
353
00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:19,871
(audience)
Yay! Yeah!
354
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:26,577
Well. Now, I have an
aerobics class in the morning
355
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:27,612
so let's get this over with.
356
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:28,980
[audience laughs]
357
00:17:28,982 --> 00:17:31,115
No, actually, I don't
have time for aerobics.
358
00:17:31,117 --> 00:17:32,617
I have hobbies.
359
00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:34,252
I like to go to
all-you-can-eat buffets.
360
00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:36,554
That's one of my hobbies.
361
00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,189
Oh, not for the food.
362
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,858
I go to horrify the management.
363
00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:42,560
'Cause I'm there
for about five minutes
364
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:43,728
and they look at me like
I'm gonna eat the
365
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:45,730
whole restaurant for $5.99.
366
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,765
[audience laughs]
367
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,434
If that's the way
they feel, that's fine.
368
00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:53,604
Now I go in, I kick down the
door and go "I'm starving!"
369
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:55,940
"I'm starving!"
370
00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:59,177
Yeah? I could get laughs, too.
371
00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:01,279
If I were fat.
372
00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:03,614
I recognize that bitter voice.
373
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:04,916
Do I know you?
374
00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:07,652
No. I just look
like a lot of people.
375
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:10,321
You're ALF!
376
00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:12,090
We started out together.
377
00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:14,692
Comedians everywhere
owe him a debt.
378
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:18,296
When we're tired, lazy, cocky..
379
00:18:18,298 --> 00:18:19,630
...we ask ourselves..
380
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:21,632
..."Do we wanna
end up like ALF?"
381
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:23,568
And we snap right out of it.
382
00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:24,602
Thank you, ALF.
383
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:27,805
[audience laughs]
384
00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:30,308
Ahh, shut up.
385
00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:37,548
[instrumental music]
386
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:44,856
Ohh.
387
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:51,095
Maybe he knows where ALF is.
388
00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:53,564
Excuse me, old-timer..
389
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:56,334
Hey. What are you doing here?
390
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,703
ALF, I can't believe it!
391
00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:00,538
It's been ten years.
392
00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:02,540
How you been?
393
00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:04,308
[spits]
Uh, fine.
394
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:06,544
Couldn't be better.
395
00:19:06,546 --> 00:19:08,279
ALF..
396
00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:09,647
Oh, this?
397
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,949
This is a new comedy
bit I'm working on.
398
00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:15,553
Watch! It's a spit take.
It'll be funny!
399
00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:16,787
No, no.
400
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,322
It's alright.
401
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:21,058
We know you've been working
here for the last ten years.
402
00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:24,228
How come you
never called us, ALF?
403
00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:25,830
I was too proud.
404
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:28,699
And after Lynn
became a studio head
405
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:31,903
and Brian got
his own TV series..
406
00:19:31,905 --> 00:19:33,304
...thought you'd
think I was calling
407
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:34,705
because I wanted something.
408
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:37,408
No, no, we wouldn't
have thought that.
409
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:38,676
Really?
410
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:39,977
Hey, Bri!
411
00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:43,247
Can I have a guest
shot on your series?
412
00:19:43,249 --> 00:19:45,750
It's not up to me, Al.
413
00:19:45,752 --> 00:19:47,685
It's "ALF," Brian.
414
00:19:48,821 --> 00:19:52,190
Call the casting
person on my show.
415
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:54,559
But if you want your old
room back, ALF, you're always--
416
00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:56,861
Not now, Willie.
417
00:19:56,863 --> 00:20:00,765
Hey, I've been hearing a lot
about M.G.M.-Lynn studios.
418
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:02,433
Congratulations.
419
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:06,037
Thank you. It just feels good
to get out of the steno pool.
420
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,640
You think you can get me a film?
421
00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:12,977
I mean, John Candy must
turn down something.
422
00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:17,281
No, actually, he doesn't.
423
00:20:17,283 --> 00:20:18,316
Sorry.
424
00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:22,486
Eric!
425
00:20:22,488 --> 00:20:23,788
Where's Eric?
426
00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:26,824
Eric...well, Eric
has been pretty busy
427
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:28,492
since he replaced
Scott Baio on--
428
00:20:28,494 --> 00:20:29,560
No!
429
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,996
Don't even finish that sentence!
430
00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:34,031
[sighs]
That's it.
431
00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:38,636
Willie...what were you saying
about my room being ready?
432
00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:40,771
If you'd like your
old room back, ALF
433
00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:42,873
we'd like to have you.
434
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:45,910
Oh, you mean that, palomino?
435
00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:47,612
Let's go home, ALF.
436
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:48,846
(Polniakoff)
'Shumway!'
437
00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:52,717
Where do you think you're going?
438
00:20:52,719 --> 00:20:55,786
I'm going back to the
San Fernando valley.
439
00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:58,122
Where people think I'm funny.
440
00:20:58,124 --> 00:21:01,259
(all)
We don't think you're funny.
441
00:21:01,261 --> 00:21:03,094
Don't be a fool!
442
00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:04,996
You belong here!
443
00:21:04,998 --> 00:21:07,198
I'll start...paying you.
444
00:21:08,234 --> 00:21:09,700
You will?
445
00:21:10,470 --> 00:21:12,069
Don't listen to him, ALF.
446
00:21:12,071 --> 00:21:13,871
All he's offering
is a dingy nightclub
447
00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:16,374
full of faded dreams
and lonely nights.
448
00:21:16,376 --> 00:21:19,176
And four bucks an hour.
449
00:21:19,178 --> 00:21:23,714
It's a dead end filled with
hopelessness and humiliation.
450
00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:25,783
I'll give you back your F.
451
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,886
Don't let him tempt you, ALF.
452
00:21:28,888 --> 00:21:31,656
Come home with us.
453
00:21:31,658 --> 00:21:33,858
What, and leave show business?
454
00:21:34,694 --> 00:21:35,860
Ha!
455
00:21:35,862 --> 00:21:37,461
I think not.
456
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:41,432
I was funny!
457
00:21:41,434 --> 00:21:42,667
I was funny!
458
00:21:42,669 --> 00:21:44,502
I was funny!
459
00:21:44,504 --> 00:21:46,003
- I was funny!
- ALF!
460
00:21:46,005 --> 00:21:48,572
- Oh! Wha...? Oh.
- You alright?
461
00:21:48,574 --> 00:21:50,041
Oh, Willie!
462
00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:53,444
I had a nightmare.
463
00:21:53,446 --> 00:21:55,446
I was a stand-up comic
464
00:21:55,448 --> 00:21:57,982
and I had to clean up vomit!
465
00:21:57,984 --> 00:22:01,819
Listen, I've decided
I don't wanna be a comedian.
466
00:22:01,821 --> 00:22:04,055
I hope you're not
too disappointed.
467
00:22:04,057 --> 00:22:06,557
Oh, we dealt with you
giving up dirty dancing.
468
00:22:06,559 --> 00:22:08,559
I think we can deal with this.
469
00:22:08,561 --> 00:22:09,794
Thanks.
470
00:22:10,830 --> 00:22:12,463
I just realized..
471
00:22:12,465 --> 00:22:14,799
...I'm too pretty to be funny.
472
00:22:14,801 --> 00:22:16,867
I envy you, Kate.
473
00:22:18,237 --> 00:22:20,438
Thanks, AL.
474
00:22:21,341 --> 00:22:22,440
What?
475
00:22:22,442 --> 00:22:24,041
You heard me.
476
00:22:25,244 --> 00:22:27,411
Breakfast will be
ready in 15 minutes.
477
00:22:27,413 --> 00:22:31,649
Because you must be
"Starving! Starving!"
478
00:22:31,651 --> 00:22:33,351
Aah! Aah!
479
00:22:33,353 --> 00:22:36,754
Hurry up, because
"Eric in Charge" is on.
480
00:22:36,756 --> 00:22:39,957
No!
481
00:22:40,393 --> 00:22:42,059
No!
482
00:22:42,061 --> 00:22:43,094
No!
483
00:22:44,931 --> 00:22:46,997
Whoa. Whew.
484
00:22:48,167 --> 00:22:51,102
Well, at least
Woody Allen liked me.
485
00:22:53,005 --> 00:22:55,239
I'm getting out of comedy.
486
00:22:55,241 --> 00:22:58,142
Think I'll be a plate spinner.
487
00:22:58,144 --> 00:22:59,176
Yeah.
488
00:23:02,415 --> 00:23:05,416
[instrumental music]
489
00:23:29,976 --> 00:23:32,910
Ha ha ha!
490
00:23:33,713 --> 00:23:36,914
[instrumental music]
36995
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