Original subtitles

(man on TV) 'And now, direct from his tour of Canadian prisons'

'Giggles in the valley is very proud to present'

the comedy of Larry Slotkin!

Larry Slotkin!

[applause]

Thank you, Sid, and polyester's definitely your color.

[audience laughing]

Well, I don't think so.

[TV switches off]

Oh, I'm sorry, were you watching?

No, we were just sitting here

pretending to be throw pillows.

Well, I think Kate's doing the better job.

ALF, we like this program. We find it funny.

Oh, come on!

You could put anybody up in front of prisoners

and they're gonna laugh.

Especially in Canada.

I'm funnier than anyone you saw tonight.

No, you're not.

Oh, really?

A rabbi, a priest and an atheist walk into a bar.

You're funny, you're funny.

Just don't tell that joke again.

ALF, friends will say you're funny

even when you're really not, as you just witnessed.

Now, being a comedian takes years of hard work

and-and personal sacrifice.

Well, I don't know about sacrifice.

But I've never been one to shy away from hard work.

(Both) Ha ha ha ha.

See? Made you laugh!

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[keys clacking]

Ha ha ha!

ALF! It's 1:00 in the morning!

Not now, not now.

Are you gonna type all night?

Look, while you're here,

let me run some very hip jokes by you.

When I'm done, there won't be a dry seat in the house.

There's a challenge I never thought I'd face.

Okay, let's get this over with.

Good, you're psyched.

Anyone here ever been to a fast-food restaurant?

On Melmac, they were the worst.

You'd ask for extra crispy.

They'd bring you a cat with arthritis!

Ha ha ha!

ALF, take my advice. Don't quit your day job.

Which, in your case, is just an expression.

Aah.

Like he knows anything about comedy.

Mr. "Oh, here's a humorous paradox

I read about in "Scientific American"."

I'm funny. I am.

I could be a comic.

I am funny.

I really am!

Hey, does anyone want to hear a good gag?

(audience) Yeah!

[gags]

[audience groans]

'I just bought a new car..'

'It's not really new, it's an old U.P.S. Truck.'

Hi! I'm ALF.

Stand-up comic extraordinaire.

I go on right before the fat guy.

Whoops.

My name's Howie Anderson.

I sweat when I get nervous.

I hope the stage has good drainage.

This is my first time getting up there.

I'm really nervous.

You're not gonna faint, are you?

I know you're just starting out, too.

But I can tell, you have star quality written all over you.

Any suggestions you can give me?

Well, if I were you, babe.

I'd use that weight thing in my act.

The weight thing.

Yeah, that might work.

Thanks.

Ah, don't mention it.

You're lucky.

I don't have any physical characteristics

I could play off of.

Okay, right now, I'd like you

to give a very warm Giggles welcome to a newcomer.

He goes by the name of Gordon ALF Shumway.

[chuckles]

[applause]

- Thank you, Sid. - Yeah.

Just don't stink up the joint.

So, anyone here ever been to a fast food restaurant?

On Melmac, they were the worst.

You'd ask for extra crispy.

They'd give you a cat with arthritis!

[audience laughing]

You hear about the Melmacian National Library burning down?

They lost both books!

And the second one wasn't even colored in yet!

Ha ha!

[audience laughs and applauds]

I'll tell you, women...am I right?

'Take my girlfriend, Rhonda.'

I could always tell when she was mad

by the way the fur on her back would stand up.

Ha ha! Oh!

[audience laughing]

[laughing] I've got to stop you.

I mean, I've been running comedy clubs forever.

But you have redefined comedy in America.

[applause]

Before we get back to your act, there's somebody over here

who is dying to meet you.

Brandon Tartikoff! In my club!

Hi.

- Brandon who? - Brandon Tartikoff.

I'm head of programming at NBC.

Yeah, uh, Brandon, people are waiting.

Alright, alright, alright. I'll-I'll cut to the chase.

You're a funny guy.

We'd like to give you your own

prime-time sitcom to star in.

Gee, I don't know. TV?

I always thought my future was in film.

So-so did Shelley Long.

Listen, ALF, we'll give you almost anything

to get you on NBC.

Frankly, uh, we're desperate.

Hey, you don't have to convince me.

I saw "Nutt House"!

(Audience) 'Ohh!'

So what do you say? Are you in or out?

Out. And next time, go through my agent.

You've been in the business long enough to know how it works.

You're right. I-I'm sorry.

I-I overstepped.

Hey. How did he slip in?

Who's watching the door?

Come on, guys!

ALF, you were wonderful!

I had to dig my nails into my chair

to keep from laughing out loud!

Willie, one day you're going to explode.

[everyone laughs]

ALF, you really did redefine comedy in America.

I can't believe I doubted you.

I mean, I am wrong a lot of the time.

But pff, I outdid myself here.

It's okay.

I don't expect that much from you.

[everyone laughs]

Oh, ALF? Um, could you start hanging out with me?

That way, I could be popular with the cool kids.

Depends. What's in it for me?

The knowledge you'd be making them happy?

No, really.

Oh!

[everyone laughs]

Oh!

[instrumental music]

[telephone rings]

This one's from a man in Texas.

He calls you a genius four times

and that's just on the envelope.

Check it for money, then throw it away.

The people from "Charles in Charge" are on the phone, sir.

They'd like to know if you'd like to be

a regular on that show.

Tell 'em if they dump Scott Baio and call it "ALF in Charge"

I'll think about it.

Right. Thank you, Mr. ALF, sir.

Barbara Walters needs an answer.

Are you going to do her Academy Award night special?

Am I the only guest?

No. Marlon Brando and Margaret Thatcher will be on, too.

Pass.

[doorbell rings]

When will it all stop? I need my rest!

ALF, do we have to go into the kitchen?

You know the rules, son.

It's Mrs. Ochmonek.

Stay!

Where have you been keeping him?

[gasps] There he is! Oh!

[laughs]

I laugh just looking at you.

Yeah, same back at you.

Oh! Ho ho ho!

Mr. Shumway, would you be willing to come over

and meet my bridge club? They all adore you.

Look, any other time, I would have said "yes."

But I have a life now.

Oh! Ha ha ha!

I love this funny man.

Well, would you at least autograph a picture for me?

Brian!

I don't do my own autographs.

But I will touch the photo.

Well, I'd better get back.

Thank you, Mr. Shumway.

Yeah. You're welcome.

Check her for money and get her out of here.

Ha ha ha!

He ad-libbed for me! Oh, ho ho ho!

Oh, I hope to see you around.

Save me a fur ball.

Well, I'm off to the track.

I thought I'd fritter away some more of my money.

Ha ha ha ha!

But what about the, uh, lifetime achievement award

you're being given tonight?

Shouldn't you be working on your acceptance speech?

I'll wing it.

Oh, and sorry I didn't invite you to the ceremony.

But you know why that is.

Because once, we said you weren't funny.

That's right.

Now, you know where you belong.

(both) The attic.

And don't touch my things!

[instrumental music]

[applause]

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Tonight, the people's choice awards

has chosen to honor a man who has revolutionized

the field of comedy.

Gordon "ALF" Shumway has been responsible

for a body of work stretching back to Monday.

Unfortunately, Gordon is running just a little bit late.

But he did call in on his car phone, and--

[drum roll]

Ah, we've just received word Gordon is in the building.

[audience applauds]

[fanfare plays]

Thank you! Thank you!

So, how's life after Bandstand?

I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody else.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Don Cornelius, ladies and gentlemen, huh?

Ha ha!

Go sit down, will you?

Get out of here.

Look, I'm not a speech maker.

I'm a beloved entertainer.

So I'm gonna do what I do best

and tell a few jokes.

[applause]

Anyone here ever been to a fast food restaurant?

On Melmac, they were the worst!

You'd ask for extra crispy.

They'd give you a cat with arthritis!

Yadda yadda bing bing!

[audience laughs]

(male #1) 'Hey, Gordon!'

'Let's hear some new stuff!'

New stuff?

'Yeah, like stuff you haven't done before!'

(audience) 'Yeah! Yeah!'

Oh, oh, oh, new stuff!

Oh, sure! Uh, did you hear about

the Melmacian National Library burning down?

(audience) 'Yeah, they lost both books.'

[audience boos]

Okay, okay, stop me if you heard this one.

(audience) 'Stop! Stop!'

That's what I get for giving this business

the three best days of my life.

[audience boos]

Ingrates!

[instrumental music]

Just tell Ms. Walters I'm ready to do her show now.

The name's ALF.

A-L-F.

Well, I was really big a couple of days ago.

You know as well as I do it's never gonna freeze over!

Is it just me, or did my career fizzle all of a sudden?

ALF, Woody Allen called.

He said that you confirmed

everything he thought about television.

Really?

He said that about me?

Let it go. You're washed up.

No! I can't be washed up!

Not yet!

ALF, is it possible that your fame

lasted as long as it was supposed to?

Andy Warhol said that everyone would be famous for 15 minutes.

Well, I want more than 15 minutes!

I deserve at least as much time as Gavin Macleod got.

[instrumental music]

[Rudolph sputters]

Got it!

Uh, time's up! Time's up!

[plates shatter]

[audience claps]

Alright, alright.

Don't encourage him.

He'll come back.

[coughs]

Alright, I have a couple of announcements to make.

Bingo starts at 7 o'clock, not 6:00.

Also, whoever's been taking the "F" from my name

better knock it off.

It's "ALF," not "AL."

So, anyone here ever been to a fast food restaurant?

On Melmac, they were the worst.

You'd ask for extra crispy, they'd give you

a cat with arthritis. No problem.

Alright, folks.

Gonna step out of character for a second here

and explain something.

These are jokes.

They were funny ten years ago, they're funny now.

So it wouldn't kill you to laugh.

Now back to the routine.

Did you hear about the Melmacian National Library?

[blender whirs]

Hey, hey! Hey, bartender!

Excuse me! I'm in the middle of my act!

How many people would rather listen to the blender?

[audience laughing and applauding]

And where's my wife's margarita?

Hey. When I'm finished, I'll bring her a trough.

What's that supposed to mean?

[sighs] It's a joke!

Am I the only one in this room who understands comedy?

Are you trying to be funny?

I knew you wouldn't get this stuff.

You barely understood the buffet table.

That's it.

I'm gonna take that microphone and I'm gonna--

Hey! If there's any fighting in here, I'm gonna throw you out!

You tell him!

I'm talking to you, Shumway!

Go by table four and clean up the vomit.

Hey, Mr. Polniakoff.

There are certain things I won't do.

Well, then, you're fired!

However, cleaning up vomit is not one of them.

Hey, here's Howie Anderson, the comedian!

Ha! How-ie!

(audience) How-ie! How-ie!

Oh, like I need this.

Hey, tell some jokes, Howie.

- Oh, I just dropped by. - Ahh..

Well, I wasn't planning to perform.

- But if you insist.. - Ha!

(audience) Yay! Yeah!

Well. Now, I have an aerobics class in the morning

so let's get this over with.

[audience laughs]

No, actually, I don't have time for aerobics.

I have hobbies.

I like to go to all-you-can-eat buffets.

That's one of my hobbies.

Oh, not for the food.

I go to horrify the management.

'Cause I'm there for about five minutes

and they look at me like I'm gonna eat the

whole restaurant for $5.99.

[audience laughs]

If that's the way they feel, that's fine.

Now I go in, I kick down the door and go "I'm starving!"

"I'm starving!"

Yeah? I could get laughs, too.

If I were fat.

I recognize that bitter voice.

Do I know you?

No. I just look like a lot of people.

You're ALF!

We started out together.

Comedians everywhere owe him a debt.

When we're tired, lazy, cocky..

...we ask ourselves..

..."Do we wanna end up like ALF?"

And we snap right out of it.

Thank you, ALF.

[audience laughs]

Ahh, shut up.

[instrumental music]

Ohh.

Maybe he knows where ALF is.

Excuse me, old-timer..

Hey. What are you doing here?

ALF, I can't believe it!

It's been ten years.

How you been?

[spits] Uh, fine.

Couldn't be better.

ALF..

Oh, this?

This is a new comedy bit I'm working on.

Watch! It's a spit take. It'll be funny!

No, no.

It's alright.

We know you've been working here for the last ten years.

How come you never called us, ALF?

I was too proud.

And after Lynn became a studio head

and Brian got his own TV series..

...thought you'd think I was calling

because I wanted something.

No, no, we wouldn't have thought that.

Really?

Hey, Bri!

Can I have a guest shot on your series?

It's not up to me, Al.

It's "ALF," Brian.

Call the casting person on my show.

But if you want your old room back, ALF, you're always--

Not now, Willie.

Hey, I've been hearing a lot about M.G.M.-Lynn studios.

Congratulations.

Thank you. It just feels good to get out of the steno pool.

You think you can get me a film?

I mean, John Candy must turn down something.

No, actually, he doesn't.

Sorry.

Eric!

Where's Eric?

Eric...well, Eric has been pretty busy

since he replaced Scott Baio on--

No!

Don't even finish that sentence!

[sighs] That's it.

Willie...what were you saying about my room being ready?

If you'd like your old room back, ALF

we'd like to have you.

Oh, you mean that, palomino?

Let's go home, ALF.

(Polniakoff) 'Shumway!'

Where do you think you're going?

I'm going back to the San Fernando valley.

Where people think I'm funny.

(all) We don't think you're funny.

Don't be a fool!

You belong here!

I'll start...paying you.

You will?

Don't listen to him, ALF.

All he's offering is a dingy nightclub

full of faded dreams and lonely nights.

And four bucks an hour.

It's a dead end filled with hopelessness and humiliation.

I'll give you back your F.

Don't let him tempt you, ALF.

Come home with us.

What, and leave show business?

Ha!

I think not.

I was funny!

I was funny!

I was funny!

- I was funny! - ALF!

- Oh! Wha...? Oh. - You alright?

Oh, Willie!

I had a nightmare.

I was a stand-up comic

and I had to clean up vomit!

Listen, I've decided I don't wanna be a comedian.

I hope you're not too disappointed.

Oh, we dealt with you giving up dirty dancing.

I think we can deal with this.

Thanks.

I just realized..

...I'm too pretty to be funny.

I envy you, Kate.

Thanks, AL.

What?

You heard me.

Breakfast will be ready in 15 minutes.

Because you must be "Starving! Starving!"

Aah! Aah!

Hurry up, because "Eric in Charge" is on.

No!

No!

No!

Whoa. Whew.

Well, at least Woody Allen liked me.

I'm getting out of comedy.

Think I'll be a plate spinner.

Yeah.

[instrumental music]

Ha ha ha!

[instrumental music]