Original subtitles

- Oh, wow. - What are you looking at?

The pictures of the surface of Neptune seen from Voyager 2.

Oh, let me see.

Well, the place looks undeveloped.

It is.

Well, that's the last time I buy property

without visiting it first.

Can't you find something else to do?

Well, right now, I'm living up to my full potential.

- Oh, no. - What is it, hon?

We got another dinner party invitation.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

- We like the Andersons too. - Yeah.

Willie, if it's a date thing, I'll go.

I'll throw on one of Kate's cheap dresses.

They'll never know.

I feel bad that we're constantly invited to parties

and can't return the favors.

Well, if you would tidy up around here once in a while

you wouldn't be so embarrassed to have people over.

Remember the good old days when we used to, uh,

go over to other people's houses and accept their hospitality

and we'd say, "Next week at our place"

and then we'd actually do it?

How naive of us to think that an alien wouldn't come along

and alter our lives forever.

Ain't life funny?

Oh, what the heck, Kate? Let's throw a party.

Oh, I don't know, Willie. What about you-know-who?

Brian? Don't worry. I'll have a talk with him.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Now, before we discuss food, we must first plan a theme

for your party. Have you thought of one?

Well, uh, what would you suggest, Mr. Savage?

Well, let's see. This is a make-good party, am I right?

You really don't want to have it

but you feel you must. Correct?

[phone ringing]

Well, yeah. But, uh that..

That's not really a theme, is it?

Well, it's been done.

- Hello? - Make it a luau.

- ALF? Where are you? - In the kitchen.

Did you know there's a number you can dial

that makes your own phone ring? Groovy, huh?

What do you want?

Be smart, Willie. Think luau.

[sighs] Sorry. Wrong number.

Uh, ahem, however, just out of curiosity, um

what would you think about having a luau?

- That's perfect. - Really? You think so?

Oh, sure. Luaus are cheap, lots of poi, pineapple

tiki torches, Don Ho music.

And I think we could probably squeeze by with just one pig.

[phone rings]

- Yes? - Two pigs.

- What now? - Oh, nothing.

Another wrong number. It's a regular epidemic.

However, a question has come up.

Do you think one pig would be enough?

Well, that depends on the pig.

Well, uh, what do you think, honey?

- Hey, let's go for it. - Well, fine, Mr. Savage.

- We'll go with the luau idea. - Perfect.

Leave everything to me, by this time next Saturday night

you'll think you've just died and gone to Maui. Aloha.

Ha, bye, bye.

[both laugh]

¶ Oh we're going to a hukilau ¶

¶ Huki huki huki huki huki hukilau ¶¶

I wanna thank you in advance for your cooperation

while we're giving our party.

Sure. What do you want me to do?

Not come.

I think Mother Teresa put it best when she said

"You scratch my back, I scratch yours."

Which, loosely translated, means--

- I know what that means. - It's happening.

He's going to ruin everything.

Well, that's up to you, isn't it?

My cooperation can be bought

if you agree to the following harsh and unreasonable demands..

One, I want my subscription to the Village Voice renewed.

We can do that.

Two, I want the ozone layer restored.

ALF, we can't do that by Saturday.

Alright, fine. That was just a bargaining chip.

Three, I get all leftovers, including what's in the trash.

This area is not negotiable.

[sighs] ALF, can't you just for once

do something for no other reason than that we asked you?

[laughing]

Oh, that's a good one. So do we have a deal?

I'll tell you what we'll do.

If you agree to stay up in the attic and be quiet

while we're having our party, then you can have two hours

to forage and devour the carcass.

You're a just, fair, honorable man. Let's shake on it.

Oh, I saw that on Webster once. Cracked me up.

[instrumental music]

So, Willie, got any big plans for this weekend?

Well, no, no, not really. Uh, no, Delores.

- Any-any reason you ask? - No.

Oh, by the way, your caterer called.

He said everything's set for the big luau.

Well, have a nice day.

Oh, you mean besides that. Uh--

Yeah, Kate and I are having a-a small gathering

for, uh, people we have obligations to.

Oh, I see.

What about when I drove you home that time and gave you

a coke and a cracker?

How could that have slipped my mind?

You're having a party? Ha.

You never invite people to your house.

What is this, a sick joke?

That's what I thought at first.

Uh, like I was telling Delores uh, we are having a,

uh, gathering to pay back some social debts

that we have to people who've invited us to their parties.

Oh, you mean like the party we threw for your birthday

with the white cake and punch that everyone chipped in on?

That was a good cake.

Alright, ha, ha. Everybody.

Everybody's invited.

Is that because you really want us

or because you're embarrassed and on the spot?

- Does it matter? - Not to me.

Guess what, everybody, Willie's having a party.

- 'What?' - 'Run that by me again.'

(male #1) 'What's the punch line?'

[instrumental music]

Lynnie, I don't like the looks of these clouds.

Mom, will you relax? There was nothing on the weather report.

Oh, just think, people are actually going to be able to say

they've been to our house.

Doesn't take much to get us excited anymore, does it?

[sniffing]

Agh, that pig aroma is driving me crazy.

I think it looks gross.

Good. Go down and tell that to the other guests.

Mom told me you might go a little crazy tonight.

Is undressing pork with your eyes crazy?

Look at those vultures down there hovering over my pig.

That's what you get for inviting civil servants.

Get away from the pig.

- Lovely party so far, yes? - Very.

Uh, but how is the pig coming?

Slow. They're hard to judge. No two pigs are alike, you know.

Uh, Rex, there's a call for you. Someone named James.

He said it was important.

James, yes. That's my, uh, ahem, pastry chef.

Can I take this in the bedroom?

Sure.

Raquel, Trevor, glad you could come.

- How you doing? - Our pleasure.

Trevor thought you were playing a trick on us

when we got our invitation.

[Trevor laughs]

Oh, Trevor, look, a whole pig.

I told you they leave the face on.

- Ah, Tanner. - Hello, Mr. Rasmussen.

I hope you don't mind, I brought my son, Julius.

He just bought himself a small BMW.

Isn't that nice?

- You remember Kate. - Good to see you.

- Hello. - This is my daughter, Lynn.

- Hi. It's nice to meet you. - Hello.

I haven't been to a party since my dad took me to the last one.

Oh, is that right?

Ahem, I-I think we should leave these two kids alone.

[exhales]

You seem to have something stuck on your shirt.

Oh, it's wax. It's been a madhouse at work.

Oh, you work with wax. Are you a sculptor?

In a way. I'm a mortician.

That's interesting.

Oh, not always, but today was a good day.

A tour bus tried to outrun a train. Not even close.

So can I get you something to eat?

Willie? Willie, who are those people?

Oh, that's our Xerox repairman and, uh, that's his wife, um.

Uh.. Ah, who cares?

Willie, I'm worried we're not gonna have enough food.

Oh, Rex, is it too late to order another pig?

Grab hold, Mrs. Tanner. Pigs don't grow on trees.

Besides, one will go much further than you think

trust me. I love this outfit. Both of you.

Oh, come on, Kate.

We've been looking forward to this for four years.

Besides, look around. People seem to be happy enough.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Oh, I'm gonna go say hi to your janitor.

[thunder rumbling]

Oh, no! Raindrops are falling on my pig!

[instrumental music]

I just wanted to have a party. Was that so wrong?

Oh. Is the pig gonna be alright?

The pig is dead. Accept it.

Well, just do what you can, okay?

Had you thought of any contingency plans?

Well, let's see, some of the guests were talking

about going to a movie later.

But if you like, I suppose I could have my assistant

entertain for the crowd.

Fine. Yeah, fine. Go ahead.

Did you know that when we bury people, we wire their jaws shut

and use plastic clips to keep their eyes closed?

But I go on.

[sighs] I'm sorry.

People tell me I shouldn't take my work home with me.

[laughing]

Gotcha.

It looks like your daughter is taken with my son.

Well, this is his second party, you know.

Really? I would've guessed twice that.

Robert.

You're on, kid. You're going out there a caterer's assistant

but you're coming back a star.

[instrumental music]

You can't do that in this house. Are you crazy?

Oh, come on, Tanner. Didn't you ever have a dream?

Listen, I've had some experience with fire in this house.

I know what the limits are.

- You-you've gotta put that out. - Aww.

Very well. Fine, fine.

I guess my crying time will just come a little early tonight.

[sighs]

[ALF screams]

[instrumental music]

I can't believe you'd pull a stunt like that.

- Does it hurt very much? - Only when I burp.

[burps] Ow!

Why did you ever leave the attic?

Because you lied, you... you liar.

[burps] Ow! Oh, it hurts so bad.

- I never lied to you. - Yes, you did.

You said I could have leftovers. There won't be any.

You said I could watch the party. You moved it inside.

Well, how was I supposed to know it was gonna rain?

A good host would know.

Listen, we made a deal. I expect you to live up to it.

Now, you stay here, right here in the shed

and don't move or you get nothing.

That's non-negotiable.

- Yes, sir. - Good.

He never learns.

[burps] Ow! Ow! Ow!

Do you think there's really such thing as zombies?

You're at this party and you have to ask?

Could I watch you work sometime?

Sure. Come by Labor Day weekend. That's like our Christmas.

Great.

Hon?

How's it going in here?

I'm thinking about going to the movies with the other guests.

They're easier to catch when they're lit.

[sniffing]

See the pig, take the pig.

Listen, I know it's not part of my fee

but I have a couple ideas that might liven things

up a little bit.

Well, good. What are they?

One is an imitation of Bette Davis in Baby Jane.

[as Davis] "Blanche, you didn't eat your lunch."

We'll take the other one.

[sighs]

Very well. Alright.

Everybody, conga.

- Somebody grab my butt. - Ooh.

[conga music on radio]

Hey, how's it going, George?

I don't know if it's what you put in the punch

but I swear I saw your dog making himself a sandwich.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. He can't even catch a Frisbee.

It must be the excitement.

Why don't you join the conga line?

What the heck? The movie doesn't start for about half an hour.

[whistling]

[music continues]

Ugh! Oh, Willie, it's not my fault.

It was that devil music. It called to me.

Suddenly I was burning with passion

desperately longing for a Carmen Miranda hat

the kind with fruit.

- Uh-huh. - Ugh.

You can't be trusted, pal. This is for your own good.

Ha! There isn't a garden shed in this town that could hold me.

[humming conga music]

[burps] Ow! Oh. Ooh. Ugh.

Oh, I see you decided to escape too, huh? I don't blame you.

I think I've heard all the tales from the crypt I can stand.

Where's Julius now?

He's hanging out with the older guests.

- I guess I better go back in. - Okay.

By the way, ALF is tied up in the shed.

Okay.

- Hi. - Hi.

Turned out to be a pretty nice evening after all, didn't it?

Extremely nice.

I never got a chance to introduce myself. I'm Robert.

Robert, hi. I'm Lynn.

Your, uh, boyfriend seems nice.

- Oh, he's not my boyfriend. - Praise Allah.

I knew it didn't add up.

[grunts] If David Copperfield could do this, how hard could it be?

I've been desperately hoping his beeper would go off.

I'm kind of in between boyfriends right now.

Oh, yeah. Like I'm between jobs.

Probably look pretty ridiculous, right?

No.

I've always been a sucker for a man in uniform.

[ALF burps] 'Ow!'

Ahem. Excuse me.

So how long have you been catering?

Oh, I just help out Rex.

Actually, I spend most of my time

as a street performer at the beach.

Do you do anything besides twirl?

Um, I read minds.

And you thought Julius was my boyfriend?

[scoffs] You must not be very good.

I knew you were gonna say that. Really, I did.

- Goodbye. - Goodnight, George.

- Goodnight. - Oh, George.

Thank you so much for coming.

Your husband thinks I'm crazy, but I know what I saw.

Your dog knows how to make a sandwich.

You should try to get him on "Letterman."

We would, but Paul Shaffer scares him.

Didn't you want to say goodbye to Lynn?

No, she's too desperate.

I want a girl that wants me for me

not because I have a glamorous job.

- Well, if you can find one. - Goodnight.

You got my card, right?

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

- Thanks for coming. - Nice party. Uh.

Sorry about the carpet. Julius never had poi before.

Don't worry about it. See you Monday.

Do you think people had fun? Oh, who cares?

We bought ourselves four more years.

Well, we're all done cleaning up. Thanks again for using us.

Oh, and if that no-good pastry chef of mine calls again

you can tell him to drop dead. Come on, Robert.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

- I'll call. - I'll answer.

I'll puke.

How did you get out of the shed?

I think the important thing to remember

is how much fun you had building it.

And to hold on tight to your pacifist beliefs.

What's happened to my shed?

Oh, we're past that. Now, take me to my pig.

There is no pig.

What?

You heard me. There are no leftovers. The pig is gone.

[mimics Porky Pig stuttering] That's all, folks.

Oh, great. Fine. Terrific.

I wouldn't have had this problem

if more of your friends kept kosher.

Huh.

[instrumental music]

Oh, hey, we got a thank-you note.

- Oh. - It's from Pat and Cecile.

They said they had a very nice time.

Oh, well, how thoughtful. Who are Pat and Cecile?

I don't know. I thought you knew.

Well, that was certainly worth $1200.

Robert has the sweetest way of asking a girl out.

Really? What did he say?

He said, "It was a slow day on the pier.

You want to treat me to a movie?"

If you play your cards right

maybe next time you can buy him dinner.

ALF, there's more to relationships than money.

Yeah, but should you be talking about that stuff

in front of your parents?

Ha. I think not.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]