Original subtitles

I'm starved!

- How much longer, dad? - Patience, Brian.

[gasps] Oh!

Patience.

Before we start, I've got to be sure

The gas line is connected.

He's stalling.

He lost the instructions

and couldn't get this thing started

with a flame thrower.

Yeah, well, we'll see about that.

[sighs] I'm afraid we can forget about

cooking these spare ribs, Willie.

Kate, this is a backyard Blitzer.

It'll cook anything.

See what you can do with this.

There's no meat on these bones.

Stop! Stop right there.

I couldn't sit idly by

and watch you people clog your arteries.

Sometimes I think I care too much.

[sighs] Well.. At least we've got the hamburgers.

You know, Willie, it, it kind of looks like it's gonna rain.

Well, it's just a few clouds. It'll blow off any minute.

[thunderclap]

Any minute now.

The weather report said sunny skies.

[thunder rumbling]

And me without sun block.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[thunder rumbling]

[instrumental music]

Well, do we have everything?

Hamburgers, paper plates..

I've got the vegetables and the potato salad.

I've got the buns and the coleslaw.

That's everything, Kate.

Why do I get the feeling we forgot something?

Nope. That's everything.

[metal clanking]

Willie!

Oh, yeah. He's pinned underneath the grill.

I didn't want to embarrass him

by drawing undue attention to it.

[Willie grunts]

Oh. Oh, honey! You're drenched!

Really? I hadn't noticed.

I was too busy flailing.

- Are you alright? - Yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine.

- No thanks to-- - Oh, this is my fault.

Did you or did you not

knock the barbecue over on me

when you were running into the house?

Oh, that.

That was my fault.

Willie, get out of those clothes right away.

Before you catch a cold. You too, kids.

- Okay. - Okay.

You don't catch cold from going out in the rain, Kate.

That's an old wives' tale.

Hence Kate's knowledge of it.

There's a reason old wives get to be old wives.

They stay warm and dry.

No, I was just reading an article about that

in one of my scientific journals.

It said that volunteers who were subjected

to rapid temperature changes

and cold water did not catch cold.

[sneezes]

- Gesundheit. - Hmm.

I told you, honey. You're catching a cold.

No! Nonsense, Kate. One sneeze does not a cold make.

[sneezes]

Just out of curiosity

how many sneezes does a cold make?

[instrumental music]

Have some soup. You'll feel better.

Thanks.

I really appreciate the way

you've been putting up with me.

Oh, you can't help it. You're a man.

I'll just ignore that.

But thanks, though.

I have enjoyed the peace and quiet.

(ALF) 'Yo! Willie!'

When I could get it.

[sighs] I'll get you some more tissues.

Willie, you're a whiter shade of pale.

As a matter of fact, I'm feeling a lot better.

Oh, good!

You could have taken a turn for the worse.

Developed pneumonia, ended up in box city

Left us with nothing but Kate's shaky career in real estate.

Does the phrase "thin ice" mean anything to you?

No.

You know, I think I ought to call the office.

Maybe I could squeeze in a half a day--

No. No, you need your rest.

You stay right where you are.

Really? I mean, you get to lie around all day, eat, watch T.V.

How many people get to do that?

I said "people."

[sneezes]

What was that?

- What was what? - You sneezed.

I did not.

[sneezing]

I think you've caught my cold.

Impossible. I told you before, Melmackians never get sick.

Only inferior, backwards species get sick.

No offense.

Just to be on the safe side

you better go upstairs and lie down.

Okay, but I'll need the microwave

The T.V., the V.C.R.

And "Police Academies" one, two, three, and six.

Four and five lacked the pathos

and emotional underpinnings of the others.

[instrumental music]

Kate!

He's back!

But it's lonely upstairs.

Besides, I have to scream four or five times

before Kate hears me from up there.

I heard you the first time. I was changing the baby.

Into what?

Make him go. Make him go. Make him go.

Oh, can't I stay here with you, please?

Please, please, please, please, please?

You know, ALF..

...I was predisposed

to kick you right out of here..

...but when you started whining..

You know, Willie, it would be a lot easier for me

If you'd let ALF stay in here for a while.

What?! Oh!

- Alright. - Oh, thanks, honey.

Thanks, honey.

Say...whatever happened

to your celebrated immunity to illness, anyway?

Well, I've been thinking about that.

Some Melmackian scientists thought that our immunity

Came from the pollen of this certain shrub in our diet.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

We called it Carl.

Carl Shrub.

Stay on your side of the bed.

Huh.

Willie?

[groans]

Willie?

What?

You have the feather pillow.

I have the foam.

I don't like foam.

You.. A-choo!

You want my pillow?

Not anymore.

Chocolate cake.

I'm gonna put in an order for chocolate cake.

You want anything?

Leave her alone. Leave the woman alone.

Are you sure you're not hungry?

The brisket is very good today.

I can also personally recommend the canned beans.

[sighs]

[instrumental music]

[sneezes]

Whoa.

Willie?

(Willie) 'Now what?'

Could you come in here for a second?

'I'm busy, ALF.'

It's important.

[sniffs]

What is it?

The pillow.

It's slipping down.

Okay?

Needs some fluffing, too.

Anything else?

Well, my feet could use some rubbing.

ALF, what you have is a cold.

It's not the plague.

It's not malaria.

It's not the Rocky Mountain spotted fever.

And it will run its course.

Now, if you don't mind

I'd like to go back to the kitchen

and finish making dinner.

You're making dinner?

Now I know for sure Kate's trying to kill me.

Kate is at the store

filling a list of things you requested

to help ease your suffering.

A small list of essentials.

[door opens]

Plus some reading material

a few videotapes, Aspirin

a hyperbaric chamber--

They were out of hyperbaric chambers.

Darn!

Michael Jackson must have gotten the last one.

ALF, aren't you carrying this thing a bit far?

I mean, it's been over a week.

Surely, you must be feeling better now.

I'm not.

If anything, I'm feeling worse.

My earlobes are starting to hurt.

You know, someone who didn't know you

might think you were just milking this.

[coughing]

And so might someone who did know you.

Time to take your temperature, ALF.

Oh, goody.

Now, let's see if we can keep it in your mouth

a little longer this time.

[sneezes]

Good! You beat your old record by three seconds.

[instrumental music]

Here are the books you wanted, ALF.

How are you feeling?

Like someone stuffed gerbils up my nose.

You sound awful.

Nice touch, ALF.

Don't encourage him.

Willie.

But I really am feeling worse.

My cold ran its course in a week.

Isn't it interesting that yours is hanging on so long?

Look at this nose, Willie.

There's enough room in there for the viruses

to start their own republic.

In fact, I think I hear their vice president speaking.

[blowing nose]

Feel his head, Willie.

Wha.. He's not..

Oh, my.. My..

He, he is. He's burning up.

Actually, I'm having a cold flash right now

I'm sorry, ALF.

I f.. I feel terrible.

Oh! I wish I felt that good.

[sniffing]

I'll get you some lunch.

[coughing]

[sniffs]

I just had a horrible thought.

Did you ever see that movie "War Of The Worlds?"

[grunts] A long time ago, why?

Do you remember what happened to the aliens

when they were exposed to earth's bacteria?

- You don't think.. - I don't know, Kate.

I just..

Don't know.

[ALF sneezes]

'Anybody got a spatula?'

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[coughs]

[blowing nose]

Oh, hello, Dr. Cramer. This is Willie Tanner.

Uh.. Well, I'm fine. Fine.

'The.. I m.. I mean..'

[coughs]

I'm not so good, actually.

Well, I.. I'm..

[ALF sneezes]

I'm sneezing.

[ALF coughing]

And I'm coughing.

(ALF) 'Willie! My massage!'

And I'm very demanding.

Uh, well, that's what I thought, too

but it's been going on now for such a long time

that, I-I-I don't know, is there something going around

that I should know about?

Oh! I see.

Well, thank you, then. Thank you very much, doctor.

Alright. Goodbye.

What, what did he say?

He said there's something going around.

The man's a genius.

I'm making ALF some soup.

It's his favorite.

Cream of pizza.

ALF's getting worse, isn't he?

Well..

I think we should give him a couple of more days.

And if he doesn't show some signs of improvement

Then we're gonna have to risk taking him to a doctor.

[sneezes]

[sniffs] Kate! Willie! Everybody!

Look what I found.

Whoa!

ALF!

No.. I'm alright.

Just a little woozy.

[sniffs] Look.

It's a picture of Carl.

Now he's delirious, Willie.

That's a picture of a plant.

Carl. Carl!

No, Kate, Carl is the name the Melmackians gave

to the shrub that gave them their immunity.

It looked kind of like this.

- Ragweed? - Oh..

I don't know, ALF, but I don't think that will help.

Oh!

But it's worth a try.

[instrumental music]

[whispering] Be quiet or Trevor and Raquel will hear you.

Look!

[chuckles] Do you think it's actually possible

that they're trying to raise ragweed?

[whispering] Are you alright?

- No! - What?

Shh!

(Trevor) 'Who's that?'

'Come on out of there!'

I got a hoe!

Hi, Trevor!

Willie. Was that you?

Yeah.

It's me, alright.

Hi, Trevor.

Kate.

We thought you guys were a burglar.

You could have been hoed.

Uh.. You see, Trevor

Uh..

We thought we'd come over

and weed your backyard.

It was, uh.. Uh, yeah.

Uh, we saw the other day that you had

quite a problem with ragweed here

and so, we thought, "Why not help out?

Why not just help out old Trevor and Raquel?"

- Mm-hmm. Yeah. - Trevor.

He says they're here to weed our garden.

Oh, please.

[instrumental music]

Oh!

Willie!

What is it, ALF?

Could you turn the air conditioning up?

It's like an oven in here.

It's up as high as it will go, ALF!

The ragweed's almost ready, ALF.

What would I want ragweed for?

You asked me to bake it for you!

Oh, nice. Yell at a sick alien.

Oh, when is this fever ever gonna break?

- Aah! - Aah!

What? What is it?

Willie! It's the Angel of Death! Run!

No, no, ALF, it's okay, it's, it's, it's Kate.

Oh! I knew it would end like this.

A virus, Kate, ragweed..

...trapped in a submarine

with nothing to eat but pinto beans

Stick with us, pal!

After we bake it, what do we do?

Well...some of use like to make brownies out of it

and take them to Stanley Kubrick movies.

I don't think we have time fore that.

- I'll go check on the ragweed. - Oh!

Tell her to relax.

Things aren't critical

until I think I'm at Tokyo Disneyland

with Annette Funicello.

You're gonna be okay, ALF.

We'll.. We're not gonna leave you.

We got the ice for the bathtub.

Oh, great.

I'm on my death bed

you guys are having a keg party.

ALF, we got you the ice so that if your fever

doesn't come down soon, we can submerge you in it.

Up to my knees I'm okay.

If you get much higher, you're gonna hear

one heck of a Little Richard impression.

We're gonna put this ice in the bathtub, just in case.

- Come on, Bri. - 'Oh!'

- Get better, ALF. - 'Oh!'

Willie..

Take off your roller skates.

Grab a pad. Sit down.

I want to talk to you about a will, Will.

I think it's only fair to tell you..

...I have a lot of debts.

Oh, ALF!

This isn't the time..

What kind of debts?

Well, it's not on my head anymore.

What do I care?

Now, shall we talk eternal sleep?

I'm thinking a pyramid. Nothing fancy.

Just a simple manmade wonder in the backyard

facing the galleria.

How's he doing?

Oh! I loved you in "Muscle Beach Party."

What's he talking about?

Oh, no! He thinks you're Annette Funicello

Well, it's a step up from the Angel of Death.

Oh! Hi, Goofy-san.

This prace is gleat!

Can we go on the Small World ride?

I could never remember that song.

Kate, I think we're running out of time.

- Yes! - You bring that stuff in.

We-we'll just have to feed it to him

just like it is, and hope that it's enough.

Hold on, pal!

Oh, Annette, you forgot the Chocolate Jimmies.

[groans] She must have her ears on too tight.

[groaning]

[instrumental music]

Where's the pesto?

I can't eat chocolate turkey without pesto.

You put the last of the pesto

in your chocolate ragweed, remember?

Don't remind me.

Getting that cold was the most humiliating experience

of my life.

Made me feel almost..

...human.

A grizzly fate.

- At least you're better now. - Yeah.

And the upside is, I've decided to market my ragweed cold cure.

You know, like Amway?

Only, I'll call my company Chumway.

You'll be my first employee, Willie.

You'll love the dental plan!

Ragweed won't work on Earth people.

In fact, ragweed makes many of us sick.

Oh. You're fired.

[instrumental music]

Alright.

You take the coleslaw. I'll take the salad.

Today, we finally get to use our backyard Blitzer.

I got the barbecue lit.

Specifically, the wheels.

[coughing]

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[laughing]