Original subtitles

(man on TV) 'Thank you, Spiro.'

'So come and share in the splendor'

'of Navajo Meadows timeshares.'

'Just 30 minutes from Broken Hole'

'but a world away from your cares.'

[applauding]

How about that Spiro Agnew? Isn't he great?

Yes. And so versatile.

So, what do you say now, Willie, Kate?

Are you committed to the concept of timeshare condominium living?

(both) No.

Maybe if we took one more look at the video.

No. No, please, no more.

Excuse me, would you?

- Harry. - Mm-hmm?

Put the pen away.

Imagine that.

We could be neighbors with Spiro Agnew!

Think about it. Don't you have a lot of questions?

The only thing I have is an overwhelming desire

to get the people you invited out of this house.

Okay, okay. But don't let them leave before you get the prize.

I feel it this time.

You're gonna win us that Chevy Blazer.

Nobody wins the Chevy Blazer.

That's what R. L. Smith of South Carolina used to think.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Yes, I'm canceling that appointment.

Well, I don't feel that I have any use

for a home flotation tank.

I suppose I do sound like I could use one. Goodbye.

ALF, are you sure that's all the appointments you set up?

Yeah, yeah.

You know you just blew our shot at winning the round trip

on the Fun Bus to Vegas?

If I told you once, I told you a thousand times.

You're not to invite salesmen into the house!

Well, it is funny how that hasn't sunk in yet.

Why do you suppose that is?

Because you don't listen.

No, that's not it.

I have to punish you.

Should I assume the position?

Go to the attic until we decide what to do with you.

- No. - No? What do you mean, no?

I mean I'm not going. What do you think about that?

Ooh. Your turn, dad.

As long as you're living under this roof

you'll do what we tell you to do.

Well, in that case, I'm out of here.

I'm hitting the bricks. I'm history, I'm vapor.

Yeah, sure. We've heard that before.

Yeah. Well, not another day under tyranny's heavy thumb.

Goodbye, Willie.

Goodbye, Kate. Goodbye, children.

I think I shall miss you most of all.

Yeah. Okay, go.

We'll warn you just before the automatic sprinklers go on.

Don't bother. This time I mean it.

If there's one thing that alien has learned in his time on Earth

it's how to make an exit.

(ALF) 'Oh, lordy, lordy, I'm free at last!'

[door closes]

See?

[instrumental music]

There he is. I can see him.

Where? I don't see anything.

See that shadow right by the garage?

If he thinks I'm gonna give in to him again

he's got another thing coming.

Well, no matter what, the sprinklers come on at 9:30.

And you know how musty he smells when he's wet.

I'll get my jacket.

[instrumental music]

Oh. Well, that settles it.

I am my own worst enemy.

I could be watching "Beauty And The Beast"

right now.

What I wouldn't give to have a great setup

in a sewer like that.

Wait a minute.

If I go back now, they'll never take me seriously.

But they never did take me seriously.

Why, I ought to..

I'm out of here.

(Willie) ALF?

ALF?

Hey, ALF?

[sprinklers sputtering]

Oh, no.

[instrumental music]

- Oh, honey. You're soaked. - No kidding.

Where's ALF? Wasn't he out there?

No, no, the, uh, the shadow turned out to be a lawn chair.

And that's the last time a lawn chair is going to disobey me.

Well, you know, he's never carried it

to this extreme before. I hope he's okay.

He'll be okay, he'll be fine.

As long as he stays quiet, maintains a low profile

stays out of trouble..

[sighs]

He's dead.

[instrumental music]

And this was my grandmother's snowstorm paperweight.

See, when you shake it, it snows.

Whoa.

So she left you the bulk of her estate, huh?

[glass shatters]

- Oh. - That was an accident. I swear.

I was nowhere near it.

Um....that's okay, ALF.

I still have the box it came in.

These things happen.

Really?

What else you got?

Willie sounded awfully mad on the phone.

What did you two fight about?

What's it always about?

I just invited some people over to talk about

timeshare living in New Mexico.

Ooh, timeshares.

- Did they bring pamphlets? - Yeah.

They were like Jehovah's Witnesses, only with prizes.

ALF, I'm awfully glad you're here.

I was hoping I'd get a chance to talk to you

about your amazing life.

Well, what do you wanna know?

Well, how far away was Melmac?

Well, that's a toughie. In feet?

Pretty far, I guess.

Well, what solar system is it in?

I don't know.

This may be a good time to tell you

I was a P.E. major.

[doorbell rings]

- 'It's me, Willie.' - Oh, great.

The fun police have arrived.

Hey, Willie. You didn't have to come rushing over.

I can't believe you'd run off like that.

You know how worried we were?

Neal, I'm sorry to burden you with our burden.

Well, that's alright.

Actually, we were having a good time.

He's a pretty fun guy.

Then you should see me in a dress.

In a white wig I look exactly like Estelle Getty.

I guess that's pretty obvious, though, huh?

Come on, ALF, let's go. You're still not off the hook.

Oh, yeah, the beating.

Willie!

Well, that's ridiculous. I never touched him.

But you want to, don't you?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Come on. Let's go.

Willie, he's shaking.

It's a ploy. Stop it.

You know, Willie, it might not be so bad

if you let ALF stay with me for a while.

Give us a chance to get to know each other

and Lord knows you two can use some time apart.

I don't think you really know what spending time

with ALF can mean.

Willie, hey, don't make him beg.

He's already agreed.

I guess I could talk Kate into it.

But, uh, you're gonna need a reliable fire extinguisher

and fresh batteries for your smoke detector.

You gotta put 9-1-1 on speed dialing.

Trust me, you'll need the time.

Make out your will

and other than that, hey, have fun.

Thanks, Willie.

Lordy, lordy, I'm free at last.

Don't hate me.

[instrumental music]

(woman on phone) 'So, Thor, I never heard you on the party line before.'

'Tell me about yourself.'

Well, I'm pretty average.

I'm 6'5 with rippling abs.

But enough about me. What are your stats, babe?

(woman on phone) 'Well, I'm 5'8, have dimples, azure-blue eyes'

'long, blond hair, and perfectly shaped--'

Oh, come on. I was honest with you.

Hello?

Hello?

Touchy.

- Hi, ALF. - 'Hi.'

Oh, ALF..

I thought you were gonna clean up.

I did. Nice of you to notice.

That beer-can pyramid? Gone.

Oh, ALF, what happened to the window?

It's been broken for days.

You could just see it now.

[Neal sighs]

Did you call the electrician about Apartment 16?

You were serious about that?

I thought you were kidding.

Why would I be kidding about an electrician?

I don't know. It didn't seem very funny to me, either.

I'll do it tomorrow.

Look, ALF, I don't wanna sound insensitive

but it has been a week and I thought we agreed that

while you were here you'd help out.

Well, I'm following the spirit of that agreement.

[yawns] Now I need a nap.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, uh..

Quick, uh, go to the bathroom.

Okay.

Now what?

Oh..

Oh, chill out. I knew what you meant. Ha!

[gasps] Mrs. Watson.

How are you today? How's every little thing?

Hello, Mr. Tanner. May I come in?

Oh, gee, do you have to?

I guess I could reprimand you in the hall.

- Please, come in. - Thank you.

Look at this place.

Um, I don't have an answer for that. I-I wish I did.

We've had a lot of complaints about you

from the other tenants.

You have?

I'm afraid so.

But I told them, he's new, he's down on his luck

his wife threw him out, and he's a little pathetic.

Well, thank you. I appreciate your kind words.

I hired you because I felt sorry for you.

But even so, sinks have to flow, toilets have to flush.

That's the way the world works.

Well, uh, there's a lovely

simple wisdom in that, Mrs. Watson.

And I promise I'll do better.

Please, just remember why you hired me in the first place.

Don't test me, Mr. Tanner.

Being pathetic will only get you so far in life.

Don't worry about her.

We're gonna get through this together.

What, do you think you can get to some of those phone calls?

Don't test me, Mr. Tanner.

Oh, lighten up, Neal. Ha, ha!

Ha..

[scatting]

¶ Tutti frutti oh Rudy ¶

¶ Tutti frutti oh Rudy ¶

¶ Tutti frutti oh Rudy ¶

¶ Tutti frutti oh Rudy ¶

¶ Tutti frutti oh Rudy ¶

ALF!

[scatting]

- ALF! - Hey, Neal.

Come on, let's party till the cows come home.

By the way, when do they come home?

I don't mind that they're out late

what bothers me is they don't call.

¶ Yeah what you do to me ¶

¶ Tutti frutti ¶¶

[banging on wall]

Oh, no.

How long have the neighbors been banging on the walls?

Well, my guess would be all night.

And frankly, I find it annoying.

ALF, about this roommate situation, I just don't--

I know, I know, I'm a little out of control

but that's because I'm young and foolhardy.

I've always depended on the kindness of strangers.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

I don't hate you!

But you do have to learn a little consideration

for other people.

[knocking on door]

(male #1) 'Police officers.'

'Would you open the door, please?'

And you have the nerve to lecture me.

[instrumental music]

I'm sure I heard something.

Honey, what if it's a burglar?

Don't worry, honey. I've got the lamp.

[screams]

Oh. Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate.

Oh. Neal, what are you doing here?

I couldn't sleep at my house.

- ALF? - Where?

It's okay. It's-it's okay. You're with friends now.

Willie, I tried. I tried reasoning.

I asked nicely.

How do you handle him? How do you afford him?

Well, Kate's working now and we're on our third mortgage.

We're desperately hoping that Lynn'll marry well.

Hi, Uncle Neal. Are you okay?

He will be. Just take deep breaths, Neal.

That's-that's what we always did at first.

Oh, does this mean ALF is coming home?

No. No. Now, don't get you hopes up.

Maybe they're not done bonding yet.

Have you tried, Neal? I mean really, really.

We're done.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

He's a nice little guy.

We've actually had some nice conversations.

But I want him out of my house!

I'm sorry.

I haven't slept in four days.

Or was it nine?

Neal, calm down. Just relax.

Can I get you some coffee, uh, decaf?

- Maybe a glass of warm milk? - Okay.

- With a flex straw? - I'll see if we have any.

[sighs]

Willie, it's awful.

I don't know if he does these things on purpose or what.

Oh.

He does.

We just haven't been able to prove it.

Neal, why don't you do something about it?

I'll be right behind you when you tell him.

Why should I tell him?

Because you know how I hate confrontation.

Neal, it's time you started to assert yourself.

Stop letting people walk all over you.

You know, sometimes true bonding comes after great crisis.

- Maybe-- - Kate, give it up. It's over.

[sighs]

Just when I started to dream in color again.

[instrumental music]

[gasps]

Oh, good Lord, he's dead.

No, he's just full.

ALF.

ALF, it's Willie.

Willie. Willie Aames?

How's it going, bro?

Charles.

Shouldn't you be watching the girls?

He's delirious. We've gotta get him on his feet.

It won't be pretty.

Say, you don't have a couple of rain slickers around, do you?

I'm afraid not.

Hey, ALF, you've gotta get up, ALF.

Huh? Yeah.

- Listen, can you hear me? - Yeah, yeah.

ALF, Neal has something that he wants to say to you.

Sure.

N-Neal.

ALF, it's, uh, it's about our living arrangement, ALF.

Ah..

[burping]

Whew.

[burping]

You know, he has eight stomachs. This-this could take some time.

[sighs]

You were saying?

[sighs] ALF, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to, uh..

...to leave, ALF.

Now, don't take this as a rejection.

I-I just couldn't handle that.

You're throwing me out?

Moi?

I'm aghast.

You. You're behind all this!

You poisoned him against me.

I didn't have to do a thing.

I'm sorry, ALF. It's just not working out.

Oh.

Well, in that case, thanks for my wonderful time.

[Neal sighs] Aw, ALF, you don't have to leave right this second.

Why don't you take your time and you can..

Get out.

Okay, okay.

Warm up the wagon, Willie. We're heading home.

I think that's the right decision.

I'll bring the car around front.

I hope you're not mad at me.

No. It couldn't have been an easy thing for you to do.

We can still be friends, right?

Sure. We'll always have Paris.

Well..

...bye, ALF.

Aw, come over here, you lug.

Oh.

[burps]

Thanks. You moved the bubble.

Catch you around town, bro.

[laughs]

[burps] Oh, yeah, thanks. Wonderful.

[instrumental music]

I know you all missed me.

Most of you.

But please, no speeches.

Katy.

ALF-y.

- Did you miss me? - Need you even ask?

Ah, me too.

Come on, guys, I'm back. Let's party.

Hey, you, legs. Get me a brewski.

It's Lynn, ALF, and sorry

you're not at Uncle Neal's anymore.

Oh, yeah. I'm home.

Or as I affectionately refer to it, the gulag.

Speaking of which

I believe you still have a punishment to work out.

- Oh, you're not still on that. - Attic. Now.

- But, Willie-- - Now!

But I've always depended on the kindness of strangers.

- Don't hate me because I'm-- - Attic!

Tough house.

[instrumental music]

[laughs]