Original subtitles

Huh.

Well, here's an expression

I'm not often called on to use

ALF, your dinner's getting cold.

¶ Uncle Neal has gone away ¶

¶ Doo-da doo-da ¶

¶ I can eat out here today ¶

¶ All doo-day long ¶

Everybody!

¶ Gonna eat all day-- ¶¶

ALF, I really don't appreciate that at all.

Okay. Then you wanna hear

how I changed the words to "Helter Skelter"?

No.

I'm gonna miss him.

It was fun having Uncle Neal around.

Hmm. Well, he's just down the street.

You can go visit him.

I know he's really lonely since Margaret left him.

Hey, he had a bad marriage.

Who hasn't, right, Willie?

What's Uncle Neal's new apartment like?

Much too close to this house.

It's nice. It's small

but at least he has more room than he had in the camper.

I thought the camper was neat.

It had a toilet right in the shower.

So do we.

Oh, what? Like you've never done it?

[theme music]

(Kate) 'And here's an old iron if you don't already have one.'

But be careful because the squirter is broken.

I'm touched.

Oh, Neal, it's just an old iron.

No, this is the one I gave you for your wedding.

Oh. Oh, my gosh, I think.. I think it is.

[chuckles] I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be.

What goes around, comes around.

Thank you.

Well, ready for another load.

Oh, right over there, Willie.

You guys have been so good to me.

Thanks to you, I have my own apartment

and I'm embarking on a whole new adventure.

You know something?

That is the perfect attitude.

Right.

So you guys want to sleep over tonight?

As tempting as the offer sounds, Neal..

Willie, you feel like sleeping over at Neal's tonight?

Uh, thanks, Neal, but no.

If you need us though, for anything

anything at all, just feel free to call.

Oh, please.

Haven't you done enough already with all these lovely things?

Thank you.

You've gotta stop thanking us.

Oh.

I know.

Thank you for pointing that out.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I got a job.

Oh, that is good to hear.

Yeah. Thank God, right?

What is it? Tell us.

Well, my landlady happened to mention

that she needs a new handyman.

It pays zip and only covers half my rent

so naturally, I snapped at it.

But, Neal, you've always been so clumsy with tools.

You remember that band-saw mishap.

Willie, Grandpa forgave me for that.

Why can't you?

Neal.

Neal, have you thought this thing through?

Shouldn't a handyman have at least a nodding acquaintance

with how to fix things?

Well, with any luck the building will be

in really great shape.

If not, I'll be in really big trouble.

I'll make do.

- I think it's great, Neal. - Yeah.

Well, I guess I better go get started on my great new life.

Are you sure you guys don't wanna stay over tonight?

Honey, last chance.

- We'll take a rain check. - Good.

- Hi, ALF. - Don't you believe in knocking?

No door.

Well, what if you caught me at an awkward moment?

Let's just be grateful that that hasn't happened.

So to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?

Oh, I was just, uh..

I was looking around for some other things

that Neal might be able to use in his new apartment.

Yeah.

No, don't take those.

Why not?

Well, I was planning on using them.

Someday.

When I got married.

If the day ever comes that you get married..

I promise you, I'll buy you a whole new set of saucepans.

And I'll dance on them.

It could happen.

Look at Anne Bancroft and Mel Brooks.

He could have anybody he wants.

No, not that.

You can't give him that.

Well, ALF, this is just an old fan.

It's not just any old fan.

I use it to scrape my calluses.

Keep it.

Well, if you see anything else you like,

by all means, take it.

Say, what's your problem, anyway?

Ever since Neal showed up, you made me feel about as welcome

as a low doorknob at a nudist colony.

Neal is getting his own apartment now, ALF.

Hopefully things will be returning to normal here.

I should think that would make you happy.

(Neal) 'Willie, you up there?'

- No.

I mean, yeah.

- Under the bed. - Okay, I will.

And I won't let this degrade me at all, in case you're worried.

Morning, Willie. I thought I heard you up here.

Yeah, yeah.

I was just looking for some more stuff for your new apartment.

What, are you taking in boarders now?

Oh, that bed is Brian's old bed.

You know how attached kids can get to their old furniture.

Especially after they wet it.

Well, it's nice to know you've stuck to the old values.

Oh, hey, I could really use this, Willie.

[clicks]

¶ Like a virgin ¶

¶ Touched for the very first time ¶

¶ Like a virgin.. ¶¶

The speed's all off.

You don't want that.

Oh, hey, it's your old Clairmont High yearbook.

Yeah.

I know. Let's look at it later.

That's where I first met Margaret.

Future Farmers.

I know.

Boy, that gal could really take down a steer.

Funny what first attracts you to a woman.

Let's, uh..

Let's go look in the garage, eh?

Willie, you gotta stop sometime.

I only have a one-bedroom apartment.

[chuckles]

[groans]

If he wasn't the brother of my meal ticket

I'd clean his clock.

ALF, everybody, dinner's ready.

So to what do I owe the honor

of being asked to dine at your table?

Oh, stop being so dramatic and get in your seat.

Neal finally decided to eat at his place tonight.

It's been so long since I was allowed to eat with you.

Which seat is mine?

It's.. It's all so hazy.

You can always eat upstairs, you know.

I took a guess.

ALF, what are you doing here?

I used to be a phenomenon.

Now I'm reduced to a, "What are you doing here?"

What's he doing here?

I was invited, if you don't mind.

Check your guest list.

You mean Uncle Neal's not coming?

Please.

The warmth is suffocating.

- ALF. - I was invited!

I was just gonna say

I'm glad you were able to join us.

Oh.

Well, thank you.

Now, shall we dine?

So, Brian, what grade are you in now?

ALF, you haven't been up there that long.

Well, it's hard to keep track of time

when there's no light.

- I've missed these dinners. - Me too, babe.

[doorbell dings]

(Neal) 'It's Neal.'

I thought I felt a sudden chill.

Will you please just go to the kitchen?

Stay, go, stay, go.

I could be a police dog after this.

- Hey, Neal. - Hi, Willie.

- Hi, everybody. - 'Hey, Uncle Neal.'

Oh, gosh, you're having dinner. I can come back at another time.

- No, no, no. - Uh, what's going on?

I got my first fix-it job at the building

and I thought I might need a few more tools.

What do you have?

Well, I have a Swiss Army knife and a mess of good intentions.

I'll, uh.. I'll see what I've got.

Oh, thanks.

Why don't you go ahead and finish your dinner?

I can get it myself.

Neal, would you like to join us for dinner?

Oh, no. No, thank you.

I couldn't impose.

Besides, you must be expecting somebody.

No. Actually, no, we were hoping you'd stop by.

Oh.

Well, if it's not too much trouble.

Oh, don't be silly.

Then I guess I should probably go tell...Meatloaf.

Get the meatloaf.

I'll just go get the meatloaf.

You know, meatloaf, that was Margaret's favorite meal.

Sometimes on a Sunday

she'd make four or five pounds of it at a time.

And then she'd freeze it?

No.

He's never leaving.

He knows a good thing.

He's like a fly on a meadow muffin.

Look, ALF, as soon as Uncle Neal gets a full-time job

and makes a few friends, he won't be around so much.

You'll see.

Well, it's time I took a stand around here.

Either he goes or I go.

[Willie laughing]

[Kate laughing]

(Kate) 'Oh, Neal.'

And it looks like the I's have it.

Hi.

- Morning, sweetheart. - Good morning, Willie.

[crash]

- Good Lord, what was that? - Your brother.

He has been here since 6 o'clock this morning

and right now, he is taking out our trash.

Why?

You have to empty the cans before you can wash them

and paint them with our names in a bold, contrasting color.

Well, at least that way when the Ochmoneks take them

we'll have proof.

Willie, I thought you were gonna talk to your brother about..

getting a life.

What do you mean? He has a life.

Yes, our life. And I'd like it back, thank you.

[crash]

Kate, he's never had to make

such a difficult adjustment before.

Well, neither have we.

Don't sit.

He stain-guarded our furniture, Willie.

We've been meaning to get to that for months.

Oh, good, you're both here.

I had a thought.

You know what would look great in your backyard?

A topiary garden.

You.. You wanna make animals out of our bushes?

That's right.

There's a seal in your back hedge

just flapping to get out.

I don't know.

I don't think we're zoned for that.

I'll check.

Good.

I'll start breakfast.

Alright. Admit it, Willie.

You have a blind spot when it comes to your brother Neal.

But what about ALF?

This is not fair for him.

It's harder on him than anybody.

It wouldn't hurt for him to show

a little compassion about this, you know.

Didn't you promise ALF

that when Neal moved he wouldn't have to hide anymore?

And he won't. Someday.

Now he's just being close-minded and stubborn about it.

Okay. That may be, Willie

but when I ran into ALF this morning, he hissed at me.

- What? - He hissed.

And he meant it.

- I'll talk to him. - Okay.

[sighs]

ALF, we have to talk.

[hisses]

There'll be no more hissing.

Well, make it fast.

I've got a date with destiny.

Where do you think you're going?

Who knows?

I'm gonna stick out my thumb, show a little leg

and see where the road takes me.

You know, you're really making this whole thing

into a lot more than it really is.

Oh, am I?

Please forgive me.

I've been so intolerant.

ALF, can't you understand?

Neal is family.

I can't just turn him away.

So, what am I, a pet?

Is that it?

Because I'll tell you something, Willie.

That's how I'm made to feel around here sometimes.

I'm sorry that's how you feel.

Sometimes I think you'd rather drive me out to the desert..

toss me away and leave me to the coyotes.

ALF, you've gotta stop listening at our door.

- You're kidding, right? - Yeah.

Oh, ha, ha.

Face it, Willie. You can't keep treating me like this.

After all, I'm a person.

Well, technically I'm not, but I still have feelings like one.

I'm sorry, ALF, of course you have feelings.

But so does he. So does my brother.

So, what should I do?

Well, I was hoping to avoid this..

but since it looks like it's gonna be a permanent situation

why don't I just introduce the two of you?

Get a clue.

I don't like him.

Well, you don't even know him.

And I don't like him.

Imagine if I met him.

[sighs] Come on, ALF.

It'd make everything a whole lot easier for everybody.

And besides, I'm sure the two of you would get along great.

Pass.

Oh, you're just being childish.

Am not, am not, am not.

Alright. Suit yourself.

Stick out your thumb, show some leg..

because that's the best I can offer.

And frankly, I've seen your legs

and trust me, you're not going anywhere.

That's one man's opinion.

Look, you can either meet him or stay hidden up here.

It's your choice.

Alright, I'll meet him.

Hand me that fan,

I wanna scrape off my feet.

Hey, just because I don't like him doesn't mean I'm not vain.

What?

Maybe meeting Neal isn't such a good idea.

It's gonna be fine.

ALF, you two are gonna get along great.

He's a wonderful guy with a terrific sense of humor.

I'm not gonna marry him, if that's what you're getting at.

Now, when Neal gets here,

I don't think you should be in the room.

Uh, not right away, anyway.

I'm gonna need time to prepare him for the shock..

Surprise..

Pleasure of your company.

Why don't I just leap out of a closet at him?

If he dies, you won't have to explain a thing.

[doorbell dings]

He's here.

Oh, my gosh.

I can't go through with this.

My heart's racing like a schoolboy.

Will you relax?

You're just meeting my brother.

It's not the pope.

I'd rather meet the pope.

I love his hats.

ALF, go into the kitchen and we'll call you

when it's time to come out, okay?

Alright, alright.

It'll give me some time to spread butter on my feet.

- Neal. Hi. - Hi, Kate.

Hi, everyone.

- Neal. - Hey, Uncle Neal.

How's the new apartment?

Did you get the electricity turned on okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Looks pretty drab now that I can see everything.

But hey, it's home.

Hi, Uncle Neal. Hope you haven't had too much coffee.

No. Why?

Oh, you know my brother.

Always concerned for people's welfare.

[laughing]

So, what did you guys wanna talk to me about?

Sit down, Neal.

There's really no easy way to say this.

Um, there's something about our household

that you don't know.

Something pretty unique.

Something we've kept a secret.

It's something that you might find

hard to accept at first.

Is it something to do with Brian?

I wish it was that simple.

What do you mean?

What does she mean?

Uh, I don't know how to say this without sounding crazy

so I'm just gonna come out and say it.

Neal, we have an alien living with us.

He's an alien from space.

We have an alien from space living with us.

He's a part of our family now.

That's why we thought you two should meet.

You guys.

[laughing]

I know this is hard to accept, Neal

but the fact is..

we've had an alien from space living with us forever.

I mean, for almost three years now.

Oh, I see. Let me guess.

He always wants to phone home, right?

[chuckles]

You laugh, but we did have to lock out the 9-7-6 numbers.

Remember, honey?

Well..

I guess the best thing would be to just have you meet him.

Yeah.

You guys are gonna carry this right to the end, aren't you?

ALF, you can come in here now.

ALF.

It's so good to meet you.

So sorry I doubted you.

Oh, where is he?

He must be hiding.

He didn't wanna meet you.

Well, he's probably shy.

No, he just doesn't like you.

Brian, can you go try to find him, please?

We're not kidding, Neal.

This is real.

[scoffs]

Come on.

Do you all really believe this?

I mean, is this something you've actually seen?

[Kate chuckles]

In haunting clarity.

Sorry.

You must be Neal.

I'm Gordon Shumway.

Did I kill him?

Oh, my God, you're for real.

Yeah, yeah, let's get past this.

I'm an alien and you're not.

Wow.

This is gonna take some time to sink in.

Well, while you're in a daze..

let me show you where your brother keeps his band saw.

I'm being insulted by an alien from space.

Get used to it.

Uh, can I touch you?

Not without dinner and a show.

I have a million questions I wanna ask you.

I'm sure. Keep them to yourself, huh?

Now, enough of this small talk.

Let's get down to business.

I understand you're quite the cook.

Do you eat like earthlings?

Do I eat like earthlings?

Willie, tell him.

He eats.

He doesn't chew.

I don't know what to say.

This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.

Kate's right.

Get a life.

ALF.

Well, he may as well know.

I mean, we're all family now.

So in other words, what you're saying is..

except for having eight stomachs

you're really not special in any way.

Oh, gee, thanks.

Hey, are you gonna play, or are you gonna jabber on all night?

Oh.

Well, I thought you said this pointy guy

could only move diagonally.

Did I say that?

Well, what I meant was it can only move diagonally..

except when the move follows the taking of an odd number

of the opponent's men from the board.

Oh.

You sure you've never played this game before?

No, this is my first time.

Good. Let's play for money.

Gin. You owe me 1500 bucks.

[theme music]