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1
00:00:02,470 --> 00:00:04,937
Did you get my breath mints?
2
00:00:04,939 --> 00:00:07,139
Oh, I'm sorry, Alf. I forgot.
3
00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:08,607
Okay, but you're the one
4
00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:10,943
who has to live with it.
5
00:00:10,945 --> 00:00:12,378
[exhales]
6
00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:16,415
I'll run down to the 7-Eleven.
7
00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:20,352
Honey, did you get
any more cotton swabs?
8
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:23,155
The tips are missing
from all of these
9
00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,757
and I can't help but feel
10
00:00:24,759 --> 00:00:28,160
you probably know
something about this.
11
00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:31,663
Moths. It was moths.
12
00:00:31,665 --> 00:00:34,333
Is that the best
you can come up with?
13
00:00:35,770 --> 00:00:37,736
I've got 'em, dad.
Here, Alf.
14
00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:40,072
At least we remembered
your cotton balls.
15
00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:42,574
What are you doing
with all this cotton?
16
00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:46,412
I've been experimenting
with some new menu ideas.
17
00:00:46,414 --> 00:00:48,347
You mean you're eating it?
18
00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:51,116
Yeah, I also tried
attic insulation
19
00:00:51,118 --> 00:00:54,586
but it left me feeling
bloated and unattractive.
20
00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:59,091
It's funny that way.
21
00:00:59,093 --> 00:01:00,759
But the cotton..
22
00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:02,628
Ah, the cotton!
23
00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:05,097
All the flavor
of a fine polyester
24
00:01:05,099 --> 00:01:07,900
with none of the
unpleasant aftertaste.
25
00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:13,272
Mm.
26
00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:16,475
[theme music]
27
00:02:18,005 --> 00:02:19,838
Ha-ha-ha!
28
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:21,073
Ha-ha!
29
00:02:21,075 --> 00:02:23,075
Ha! Ho-ho!
30
00:02:23,077 --> 00:02:25,644
Ho-ho-ho!
31
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:26,812
Alf?
32
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:27,813
Oh, yeah.
33
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,481
Yeah, just a second, Kate.
34
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,783
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
35
00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:34,019
Ha-ha..
36
00:02:34,021 --> 00:02:37,055
Alf, are you aware that
that television isn't on?
37
00:02:37,057 --> 00:02:38,457
Ha..
38
00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:41,527
I wasn't watching TV.
39
00:02:41,529 --> 00:02:44,696
Well, what are you
laughing at, then?
40
00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:47,366
Son of a gun, I don't remember.
41
00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:50,002
Was I laughing?
42
00:02:50,004 --> 00:02:51,336
Are you okay, Alf?
43
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:56,642
Hey! What say we get naked
and do some chanting?
44
00:02:56,644 --> 00:02:58,277
Well, look at that.
45
00:02:58,279 --> 00:03:02,681
I'm halfway there! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
46
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,483
Say, Alf, uh, do you ever think
47
00:03:04,485 --> 00:03:05,851
that all this cotton
you're eating
48
00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:08,287
could be affecting your moods?
49
00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:10,722
Definitely.
50
00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:12,891
Don't you think you
should cut down?
51
00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:15,928
Why? What have you got
against cotton?
52
00:03:15,930 --> 00:03:19,031
Y'all Yankees? Ha-ha-ha-ha!
53
00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:21,133
I think you should
cut down, Alf.
54
00:03:21,135 --> 00:03:22,501
Uh, here, let me help..
55
00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:24,570
Alf. Alf!
56
00:03:25,773 --> 00:03:29,641
Let me have this.
I'll ration it out for you.
57
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:32,511
Alright, but now those
Cheech and Chong movies
58
00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:34,880
are gonna lose some
of their poignancy.
59
00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:42,187
[crickets chirping]
60
00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:44,489
¶ New York ¶
61
00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:46,758
(Alf)
'Hey, thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.'
62
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,727
'I'm announcing my retirement.'
63
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,796
'Goodnight, and I love you.'
64
00:03:50,798 --> 00:03:52,864
¶ New York ¶¶
65
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:56,702
- Huh? Huh? Honey?
- Huh? What?
66
00:03:56,704 --> 00:03:59,771
- Did you say something?
- No.
67
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:01,607
I was just thinking
how Sinatra's voice
68
00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:03,542
has slipped over the years.
69
00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:07,079
Uh, I'm sorry.
70
00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:08,113
- Hm?
- Huh?
71
00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:09,181
Go to sleep.
72
00:04:09,183 --> 00:04:10,582
Mm.
73
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:16,188
[Alf humming]
74
00:04:16,190 --> 00:04:18,323
¶ Da da da da da ¶
75
00:04:18,325 --> 00:04:20,392
¶ Da da da da da ¶
76
00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:22,427
¶ Da da da da da ¶
77
00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:24,596
¶ Da da da da da ¶
78
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,598
¶ Da da da da da ¶
79
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,066
¶ Da da da da da ¶
80
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:31,837
I don't suppose we were
having the same dream.
81
00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:34,740
I don't know.
How were your seats?
82
00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:36,708
¶ Da da da da da ¶
83
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,510
(Alf)
'Now just the women sing!'
84
00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:40,512
¶ Da da da da da ¶
85
00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:42,514
¶ Da da da da da ¶
86
00:04:42,516 --> 00:04:44,650
Thank you! Thank you very much!
87
00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:46,351
It's good to be back.
88
00:04:46,353 --> 00:04:48,287
¶ Da da da da da ¶
89
00:04:48,289 --> 00:04:49,955
¶ Da da da da da ¶¶
90
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:53,125
Alf! Quiet!
91
00:04:53,127 --> 00:04:56,628
Liza! Sammy! Dino!
92
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:59,698
Hey! Why don't we all
tour together?
93
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,434
I thought I told
you no more cotton.
94
00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:04,069
I know what you're thinking.
95
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:06,471
And you're worried
about our supply.
96
00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,340
But this book here says
97
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:11,043
there's this land called Alabama
98
00:05:11,045 --> 00:05:15,247
where cotton practically
grows on trees.
99
00:05:15,249 --> 00:05:20,185
Alf...it's almost 2 o'clock
in the morning, okay?
100
00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:22,220
Thanks. Last call.
101
00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:26,525
Here. Everybody rip off a piece
and pass it around.
102
00:05:26,527 --> 00:05:28,727
We're not eating any pillow.
103
00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:30,562
Then how do you intend
to stay awake
104
00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:33,498
for our drive to Alabama, huh?
105
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:36,068
Nobody's going to Alabama.
106
00:05:36,070 --> 00:05:39,271
This is really gonna
bum out the band.
107
00:05:39,273 --> 00:05:41,473
We are all gonna
go back to sleep.
108
00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:44,976
You're gonna stop singing
and send the band home.
109
00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:49,715
Okay. But I never got treated
like this at the golden nugget.
110
00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:52,084
¶ Da da da da da ¶¶
111
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:58,557
Bri, did you tell Alf
breakfast is ready?
112
00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:02,160
- No.
- Oh, thank you.
113
00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:04,162
Oh...
114
00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:05,497
[Alf yawns]
115
00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:06,898
Hi, Alf.
116
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:09,267
Oh, somebody do something.
117
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:11,370
You could neuter me.
I don't care.
118
00:06:11,372 --> 00:06:13,372
I just want the anesthetic.
119
00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:15,073
Oh..
120
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:18,176
Well, I hope
you learned your lesson.
121
00:06:18,178 --> 00:06:20,379
About what?
122
00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:21,680
Would you like some aspirin?
123
00:06:21,682 --> 00:06:22,948
Thanks. Would you get it for me?
124
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:23,882
Sure.
125
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:26,885
I never get past
that childproof cap.
126
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:29,020
Would you like some juice
with these?
127
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:30,322
Please.
128
00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:43,368
I saw that.
129
00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:44,870
Saw what?
130
00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:47,839
I saw you take that cotton.
131
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,374
Brian did it!
132
00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:51,777
Me? No, I didn't.
133
00:06:51,779 --> 00:06:54,913
He's lying! J'accuse!
134
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:56,348
That's enough of that.
135
00:06:56,350 --> 00:06:59,451
I saw you take that cotton
with my own eyes.
136
00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:00,819
I don't have to take this!
137
00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:02,854
Now, I may be small,
but I'm scrappy.
138
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:04,990
Come on! Who wants a piece?
139
00:07:06,493 --> 00:07:08,093
Oh..
140
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:10,595
¶ Da da da da da ¶
141
00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:13,465
¶ Da da da da da ¶
142
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:14,966
Admit it, Alf.
143
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:18,036
You have a cotton problem.
144
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,238
We only want to help you.
145
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:23,141
Then stop trying to
make me feel guilty.
146
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:26,611
Now, I say we go into
the living room and dance!
147
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,380
Who's with me?
148
00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:31,783
I know what you're thinking.
149
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:34,252
He doesn't have the guts
to dance alone.
150
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:37,189
Ha! Well, that's
where you're wrong.
151
00:07:39,193 --> 00:07:42,794
'I'm doing it!
I'm dancing alone!'
152
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:45,564
'And there's no music!'
153
00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:47,499
Oh..
154
00:07:49,536 --> 00:07:51,636
Just for the sake of argument
155
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:54,172
suppose I do have a problem?
156
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:16,528
Alf, please don't stare at me.
157
00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:19,164
Oh! Was I staring?
158
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,600
Yes.
159
00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:24,202
Still are.
160
00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:27,205
Trust me, you're not gonna
feel like this forever.
161
00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:30,609
Yeah, Alf. Hang in there.
We're all with you.
162
00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:32,878
Thank you, Lynnie.
163
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,813
Willie, I need cotton bad!
164
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:37,516
No. No more cotton.
165
00:08:37,518 --> 00:08:39,417
I know, I know.
166
00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:42,521
And you're right!
I had a terrible problem.
167
00:08:42,523 --> 00:08:45,023
And I thank you
for pointing it out.
168
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:48,260
But now I have it under control.
169
00:08:48,262 --> 00:08:49,761
Ha. I do.
170
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:52,097
As you can see.
171
00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:54,533
Alf, we're seeing
more than you think.
172
00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,234
Who asked you?!
173
00:08:58,672 --> 00:09:01,072
Willie, my man, my best friend
174
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:02,841
what do you say
we go into the den
175
00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:05,911
put on some Helen Reddy,
and get fibered?
176
00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:10,382
No.
177
00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:12,183
Then who needs you?
178
00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:17,389
I don't know what else to do
179
00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:18,723
but ride this out
180
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:21,526
hide all my underwear.
181
00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:23,094
It's too bad we can't find
182
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:26,298
some sort of a support group
that could help him.
183
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:27,699
Joanie's mom
went to one of those
184
00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:29,067
when she quit smoking.
185
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,735
She joined this group
that helps people
186
00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:32,571
control their compulsive habits.
187
00:09:32,573 --> 00:09:33,972
She gained 50 pounds
188
00:09:33,974 --> 00:09:36,107
and her fingers are stubs,
but it worked.
189
00:09:38,512 --> 00:09:39,878
What a great idea.
190
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,379
I think first thing tomorrow
191
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:43,081
I'm gonna throw him
in the car and drive him
192
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:46,418
down to the Betty Ford clinic.
193
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,553
Well, no, but maybe
we could find a group
194
00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:51,089
that would be willing
to meet with him here.
195
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,457
What are you gonna tell 'em
196
00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:55,093
that he's some sort of
a rare talking dog
197
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,462
with a cotton disorder?
198
00:09:57,464 --> 00:10:00,665
Okay. Right.
I have got a crazy idea.
199
00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:03,301
You want me to take part
in that group, don't you?
200
00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:04,703
That's a great idea, dad.
201
00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:06,404
See, that way, Alf
could hide in the kitchen
202
00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:09,874
and listen through
the pass-through.
203
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:11,209
I don't want to make
a fool of myself
204
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:14,512
in front of strangers...again.
205
00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:15,880
Since Alf's been here
206
00:10:15,882 --> 00:10:19,117
you've gotten
so awfully good at it.
207
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,619
(Alf)
'Hallelujah!'
208
00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:22,320
'The mother lode!'
209
00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:30,161
Willie, he's got
the lint screen.
210
00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:32,197
Alf, give me the lint screen.
211
00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:34,933
Yeah? Come and get it!
212
00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:37,102
I think it's time
we make that call.
213
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:40,705
[hisses]
214
00:10:42,709 --> 00:10:47,145
While you're at it, see if
you can get me a stun gun.
215
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,648
Don't make me use this.
216
00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:51,049
[hisses]
217
00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:00,959
Kate, these people
you invited over
218
00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:03,194
seem really messed up.
219
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:04,729
That's why they're here, Alf
220
00:11:04,731 --> 00:11:07,132
to discuss their problems,
and with the group's help
221
00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:09,167
try to cope with them.
222
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,970
Who's the fat broad?
223
00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:14,139
Oh, real nice.
224
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:16,107
Sorry. The woman with the..
225
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:19,711
Yeah, sure...gland problem.
226
00:11:19,713 --> 00:11:23,281
That's Rita.
She's trying to quit smoking.
227
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:27,185
And is eating cat food
part of her therapy?
228
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:29,554
This is pate, thank you.
229
00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:32,457
Oh, I don't care what kind
of fancy handle you put on it.
230
00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:34,259
It's still cat food!
231
00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:36,127
Will you just keep quiet
and listen.
232
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:38,797
We have all gone
to a lot of trouble for you.
233
00:11:38,799 --> 00:11:40,231
How much trouble does it take
234
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:42,333
to open up a couple
of cans of kitty queen?
235
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:46,671
This is not cat food!
236
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,645
Hello.
237
00:11:53,647 --> 00:11:55,313
Oh, ho ho.
238
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:56,681
Thanks.
239
00:11:56,683 --> 00:11:58,383
I'm trying to quit smoking.
240
00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:01,152
Yes, Rita.
You mentioned that last tray.
241
00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:06,291
Thank you, no.
I've given up eating.
242
00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:08,326
You know,
when you're not smoking
243
00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:09,728
the hardest thing to do
244
00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:12,330
is to figure out what to do
with your hands.
245
00:12:12,332 --> 00:12:13,698
Is there anything on that tray
246
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:15,567
you don't want?
247
00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:23,641
So, how long have
you two been in this..
248
00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:25,744
...support group?
249
00:12:25,746 --> 00:12:27,312
Everybody, let's take our seats.
250
00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:28,747
We're late starting the meeting.
251
00:12:28,749 --> 00:12:30,715
Would you like to join us?
252
00:12:30,717 --> 00:12:32,150
Oh, no, thank you, Rita.
253
00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:34,686
Unfortunately, you, uh,
caught me on a good day.
254
00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:43,394
Everyone, we have
a new member with us.
255
00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:45,797
Willie.
256
00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:47,031
Hello.
257
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:48,666
Hi, Willie.
258
00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:51,236
- Hello.
- Hello.
259
00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:53,805
Would you like to tell us
what brought you to our meeting?
260
00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:55,173
Oh!
261
00:12:56,710 --> 00:12:59,477
I just thought I'd sit here
and listen if you don't mind
262
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:02,547
it's, it's my first time.
263
00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:04,415
Well, Willie, the way it works
264
00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:06,718
is that everyone
takes their turn speaking.
265
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:09,387
See that puts us all
on an equal footing.
266
00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:13,124
Besides there are some who might
resent you if you didn't.
267
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,193
I know I would.
268
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,631
Okay.
269
00:13:19,633 --> 00:13:20,965
I'm, uh..
270
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:23,001
I'm..
271
00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:24,702
I'm, uh..
272
00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:28,606
I'm trying to quit smoking.
273
00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:33,011
Your wife told us you were
afraid to leave your house.
274
00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:35,346
That's right. That, too.
275
00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:38,449
Why do you think you smoke?
276
00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:41,352
[snorts]
Don't have a clue.
277
00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:43,555
Would you excuse me,
uh, just for a minute?
278
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:49,260
Willie! Don't you know
how to knock?
279
00:13:51,565 --> 00:13:54,365
You were going to eat
that dish towel, weren't you?
280
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:56,467
This?
Oh, I was just smelling it.
281
00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:58,503
Hoping for a contact high.
282
00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,738
[sniffs]
283
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:03,174
If you would've eaten
that dish towel
284
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:05,643
I would've been very angry.
285
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:10,548
That's a sentence I never
thought I hear myself say.
286
00:14:11,985 --> 00:14:13,318
Where's Kate?
287
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:14,853
She went to get more pate.
288
00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:17,322
But I told her there's still
half a can of cat foot
289
00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:19,624
left in the fridge.
290
00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:23,728
Alf, they want to know
why I smoke.
291
00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:26,397
Willie, you smoke?
292
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:28,733
I want to help you, Alf,
I really, really do.
293
00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:31,269
But you have to want
to get better, too.
294
00:14:31,271 --> 00:14:33,204
Now, seriously
295
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,974
why do you think
you need to eat cotton?
296
00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:37,242
I don't know.
297
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:40,111
But surely you can't
be happy like this.
298
00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:43,248
You're right, I'm not!
I'm a wreck!
299
00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:45,149
Oh, Willie, I've got
a monkey on my back.
300
00:14:45,151 --> 00:14:46,584
It's a mean monkey
301
00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:49,053
and it's hassling
all the tourists for money.
302
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:52,490
- Make him go!
- 'Willie?'
303
00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,459
Well, I hate for you
to see me like this.
304
00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:56,995
Is my mascara running?
305
00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:59,330
Okay. Okay, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
306
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:00,698
I'm gonna try to
steer the conversation
307
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,800
around to something
that you can relate to.
308
00:15:02,802 --> 00:15:05,203
But this time,
you have to listen.
309
00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:06,271
You understand?
310
00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:08,473
Alright, alright.
311
00:15:10,644 --> 00:15:13,845
Hey.
Reformed smokers are the worst.
312
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:18,683
Uh, I'm sorry.
313
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:19,984
So..
314
00:15:19,986 --> 00:15:22,453
You want me to continue.
315
00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:26,190
Uh, well, I guess
my habit started
316
00:15:26,192 --> 00:15:28,760
as something that I, I enjoyed
317
00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:32,063
but then I,
I couldn't control.
318
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:35,233
You know, that's how it was
with my hand washing.
319
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:36,768
It was really fun at first
320
00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:38,836
and then suddenly
I just couldn't stop.
321
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:43,942
Are you under a lot of stress?
322
00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:47,779
If you only knew.
323
00:15:47,781 --> 00:15:51,883
It's amazing you haven't
blown up like a balloon.
324
00:15:51,885 --> 00:15:53,651
Get off my back.
325
00:15:56,690 --> 00:15:58,589
You see, uh..
326
00:15:58,591 --> 00:16:00,692
I don't get out all that much
327
00:16:00,694 --> 00:16:05,330
and, uh, I think I must feel
kind of bad about that
328
00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:06,597
don't you think?
329
00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:09,434
Why, you afraid of open spaces?
330
00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:12,003
Or is it the crowds?
331
00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:13,805
And the germs?
332
00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:17,375
And the pushing and the touching
and the sweating..
333
00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:20,378
Ron, put that back. Be strong.
334
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:23,114
This isn't the time
to backslide.
335
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:24,949
You see, um..
336
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:28,786
I, uh..
337
00:16:28,788 --> 00:16:31,656
I guess what it amounts to
is, uh
338
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:34,659
I'm afraid I might be
seen by somebody.
339
00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:38,896
Because I'm not
from around here
340
00:16:38,898 --> 00:16:41,265
and, uh..
341
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:43,267
...I don't think
people would understand.
342
00:16:43,269 --> 00:16:44,469
Where are you from?
343
00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:46,371
- Ohio.
- 'Ohio?'
344
00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:47,872
Hey, I'm from Ohio.
345
00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:50,441
Do you know Dr. Bisnick?
346
00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:52,443
Do you ever think
that everything
347
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,712
is gonna come
crashing down around you
348
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:57,915
burying you in an avalanche
of hopelessness?
349
00:17:01,154 --> 00:17:04,322
I don't wanna hog all your time.
350
00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:06,424
(Alf)
'Willie!'
351
00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:08,726
That must be..
352
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:10,962
...my wife.
353
00:17:10,964 --> 00:17:14,165
Won't you excuse me?
354
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,868
He's more messed up than I am.
355
00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:18,369
Wh-what is it, Alf?
356
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:21,706
I don't know. Help me, Willie.
357
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:24,542
I'm scared.
358
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,511
Don't be afraid, Alf.
359
00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:29,380
Look, you want to eat cotton.
360
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:32,183
Now, why? What's the reason?
Think.
361
00:17:32,185 --> 00:17:34,619
Please, just one bite
of your pants
362
00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:36,687
down by the cuff. I'm begging!
363
00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:38,556
No, no, you don't want that.
364
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,025
- I do!
- No, you don't!
365
00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:44,262
For once I wish people would
stop telling me what I want!
366
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:46,664
How do you know what I want?
367
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:47,932
I want..
368
00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:50,401
Oh, I wanna go outside.
369
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:53,371
I wanna see someone
who looks like me.
370
00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:55,540
I'm lonely, Willie.
371
00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:58,342
I want to go home!
372
00:17:58,344 --> 00:18:01,579
I understand, Alf.
I, I, I understand.
373
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:04,749
(Howard)
'Willie? We're waiting.'
374
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:08,219
I miss my family, my friends
375
00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:12,290
party games you'd never let me
play in a million years.
376
00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:13,591
(Howard)
'Willie?'
377
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:16,194
I, I gotta go talk to Howard..
378
00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:18,496
No, d-don't leave me!
379
00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:20,164
- I..
- Please.
380
00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:21,532
I won't. I-I won't leave you.
381
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:24,902
I'll be there in a minute,
Howard!
382
00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:28,272
I miss Saturday night
aphid chews.
383
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:30,308
I miss my friends.
384
00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:32,710
Especially Rhonda.
385
00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:35,847
I remember one night
after harness racing
386
00:18:35,849 --> 00:18:38,416
she was helping me out
of my bridle.
387
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:42,386
I had no idea.
388
00:18:42,388 --> 00:18:45,556
Alf, you always
joke about Melmac.
389
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:48,926
Well, it wasn't
the most together planet.
390
00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:51,662
But still...
how'd you like to be
391
00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:54,599
the only member of your species?
392
00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:57,435
Sometimes I feel like I am.
393
00:18:57,437 --> 00:19:00,037
But you have a family, Willie.
394
00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:02,440
When you're, when you're
talking with little Eric
395
00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:04,408
talking that baby talk
396
00:19:04,410 --> 00:19:10,047
you look so, so,
so ridiculous.
397
00:19:10,049 --> 00:19:11,749
It makes me realize
398
00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:14,152
I'm never gonna be able to look
half that ridiculous
399
00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:17,488
with a little one of my own.
400
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,357
You can be ridiculous
with our family
401
00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:22,627
anytime you want.
402
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:24,629
And you are.
403
00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:28,533
Ah, just not the same.
404
00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:31,169
There's a bond that you have
405
00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:32,637
that I never will.
406
00:19:32,639 --> 00:19:34,739
[knock on door]
'Willie?'
407
00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:37,608
Alf, quick. Under the table.
408
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,010
[knocking continues]
409
00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:41,712
'Willie?'
410
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:44,415
- Hello, Willie.
- Hello.
411
00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,951
- Where's your wife?
- Kate?
412
00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:49,987
She's, uh, gone
to get more pate.
413
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:53,991
Who was that yelling about
wanting to go home?
414
00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:56,761
Oh..
415
00:19:56,763 --> 00:19:59,063
That would have to be me.
416
00:20:01,267 --> 00:20:03,034
Isn't this your home?
417
00:20:04,971 --> 00:20:09,006
Yes. Yes, it is. Thank you.
I feel much better.
418
00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:11,876
Now, I can't help you with
the yelling at yourself part.
419
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:15,513
That's more than this group
can possibly give you.
420
00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:17,081
He's right.
421
00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:19,250
I know.
422
00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:21,118
I understand. Thank you.
423
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:23,788
And say goodbye to the others
for me, will you?
424
00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:25,890
Of course. Goodbye.
425
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:28,259
This is going to disappoint Ron.
426
00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:36,300
I'm sorry you're lonely, Alf.
427
00:20:36,302 --> 00:20:37,702
Thanks.
428
00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:43,307
Well, eating cotton
never solved anything.
429
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:47,311
There's another sentence
I never thought
430
00:20:47,313 --> 00:20:49,080
I'd hear myself say.
431
00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:53,150
You gonna be okay?
432
00:20:53,152 --> 00:20:54,719
I think so.
433
00:20:54,721 --> 00:20:56,821
Talking about it helps.
434
00:20:56,823 --> 00:20:58,089
Hey, you should try it.
435
00:20:58,091 --> 00:21:00,725
Maybe it'll help you
kick cigarettes.
436
00:21:00,727 --> 00:21:02,460
I don't smoke!
437
00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:05,863
Oh, so you can dish it out,
but you can't take it.
438
00:21:05,865 --> 00:21:09,533
Come on! I've been there.
Talk to me.
439
00:21:09,535 --> 00:21:12,270
Don't dance alone.
440
00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:14,872
I'll remember that. Thanks.
441
00:21:14,874 --> 00:21:17,742
Hey, no sweat, and tomorrow
442
00:21:17,744 --> 00:21:20,411
go out and buy yourself
some new underwear.
443
00:21:20,413 --> 00:21:22,046
My treat.
444
00:21:26,419 --> 00:21:27,451
¶ Da da da da da ¶
445
00:21:27,453 --> 00:21:29,420
¶ Da da da da da ¶
446
00:21:29,422 --> 00:21:31,355
¶ Da da da da da ¶
447
00:21:31,357 --> 00:21:33,291
¶ Da da da da da ¶
448
00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:35,259
¶ Da da da da da ¶
449
00:21:35,261 --> 00:21:37,228
¶ Da da da da da ¶
450
00:21:37,230 --> 00:21:38,963
¶ Da da da da da ¶
451
00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:40,898
¶ Da da da da da ¶
452
00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:43,134
¶ Da da da da da.. ¶¶
453
00:21:43,136 --> 00:21:44,635
Aah!
454
00:21:46,039 --> 00:21:49,840
Alf, were you having
that dream again?
455
00:21:49,842 --> 00:21:51,575
Yeah.
456
00:21:51,577 --> 00:21:53,711
Being clean and sober's
gonna be a lot harder
457
00:21:53,713 --> 00:21:56,280
than I thought.
458
00:21:56,282 --> 00:21:57,682
Oh..
459
00:21:59,852 --> 00:22:02,486
¶ Da da da ¶
460
00:22:02,488 --> 00:22:03,587
¶ Da da ¶
461
00:22:03,589 --> 00:22:05,523
¶ Da da da da da ¶
462
00:22:05,525 --> 00:22:07,525
¶ Da da da da da ¶
463
00:22:07,527 --> 00:22:09,694
¶ Da da.. ¶
464
00:22:09,696 --> 00:22:11,395
¶ Da da da ¶
465
00:22:13,099 --> 00:22:16,100
[theme music]
466
00:22:40,526 --> 00:22:44,362
Ha-ha-ha!
34844
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