Original subtitles

- Now, you have everything, B? - I think so.

Yo! Everybody up for "Jeopardy!"

raise their hand and give me a dollar.

Sorry, ALF, I'm jeapord-ied out.

How about you, Kate?

You must be over yesterday's

trouncing by now.

I'm taking Brian to his scout meeting.

But you haven't heard the new categories I thought up.

Martian tourist traps.

Girls named Fred.

Places you itch.

We're leaving. Bye.

Say, hey, Willie Mayes.

How about a fun-filled, fast-paced game of "Jeopardy!"

You cheat.

William, I'm appalled.

I'm aghast.

You're a cheater.

I do not cheat.

I just memorize the answers in advance.

Not like I have a lot to do around here, you know.

I'm going out to the garage to work on my ham radio

and while I'm gone, I'd appreciate it

If you did not put any portion of this house

in jeopardy, double jeopardy, or final jeopardy.

What are you worried about, Willie?

We hit your deductible $10,000 ago.

Goodbye.

Now entering our studio

a college freshman

originally from Los Angeles, California.

Say hello to Lynn Tanner.

[imitates crowd cheering]

ALF, two weeks of that game is enough.

I'm going to aerobics.

Alright, look, I'll give you an easy one.

He's the 3'2" alien from an exploded planet

who's currently bored to tears.

ALF.

Form of a question, please!

[door shuts]

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Need some help?

No, I can do this myself. Thanks.

Uh-uh-uh, uh-uh.

Do you mind?

It's your radio.

Or should I say, your soon to be

smoldering heap of electrical debris.

Alright, uh, what I doing wrong here?

Nope. Far be it for me to come between a man and his hobby.

Well, could you far be it from me, please?

But there's nothing good on TV.

And I've read all the books in the house.

And I know it's on the top shelf of every one of your closets.

You were quite the letter-writer in your day, Sugarlips.

Stay out of my letters.

What are you trying to do here?

Trying to upgrade the auto monitor.

Why?

So I can talk to Australia.

Does the word "telephone" ring a bell?

Well, it would defeat the purpose, ALF.

The whole idea of a ham radio is the challenge

the real challenge, man against machine.

Good old American know-how.

Right. And you ain't going to fix this no how.

I'm retooling the monitor

so that when I bump from satellite to trans-Oceanic

my Phelp switch doesn't alter frequency.

What, is that all?

All? I've been working on that for three months.

There. That'll do it.

See ya.

Oh.

Yeah, right.

Right.

[static]

(man on radio) 'Hello? Anyone there?'

Hello?

(man on radio) 'G'day, mate. You're clear as a bell. Over.'

Yo. What's up, scout?

I'm working on my bachelor living badge.

Can I help?

You know anything about bachelor living?

Well, I've eaten cold pizza for breakfast

and grown things in the fridge.

"The bachelor living badge is for

"basic homemaking skills

for our fast-paced and changing culture."

My last requirement is to prepare a balanced meal.

Is that it?

On Melmac, to get a bachelor living badge

they left you out in a field

with only twigs and bark

and you had a week to build a single's bar.

I'm going to make suggested menu number three.

Turkey salad sandwiches, broccoli spears

and cheddar cheese cubes.

Boring!

It has something from each of the four basic food groups.

So does Trevor's blue tie

but I wouldn't want to eat it for lunch.

Are you going to help me or not?

Well, it's not as challenging

as building a mirror ball out of dried leaves

but it's better than nothing.

Here, you can take care of the broccoli.

¶ Dun-dun dun-dun dun-dah! ¶

¶ Dun-dun dun-dun dun-dah! ¶¶

There. I took care of it.

I don't know about this.

Well, actually, I do

and I hate the whole idea.

But it's going to make you feel great.

I already feel great.

Go ahead, feel me.

You have no muscle tone.

I'll have you know my health club on Melmac

once voted me "bod of the month."

You went to a health club?

Well, here you call it a bakery.

Come on. No pain, no gain.

[instrumental music]

Come on, ALF. Go for the burn!

I'd rather go for the donuts.

Come on, time for leg lifts.

One, two, three, four, five.

How does that feel, ALF?

[ALF snoring]

ALF!

Hi.

Hi.

It's come to this, Kate.

What's that, ALF?

I'm so bored, I'm interested in what you're doing.

What are you doing?

Refinishing this bureau.

I think, if you listen very carefully

You can actually hear my interest wane.

Just be careful. That's wet.

[scoffs] You know, I think it's time

for you to find a hobby.

Why don't you collect stamps?

Great. I could think about all the places

they've been to that I can't go.

Perfect pastime for a shut-in.

Well, what about, uh, yoga?

It sounds fairly quiet.

I was into yoga on Melmac.

Want to hear my mantra?

Sure.

Wow, I can really cross my legs

and put my feet on top of my knees.

Boy, am I relaxed and limber. I'm so limber.

Like, the limberest thing you could think of.

That's how limber I am and--

Maybe yoga's not such a great idea.

Now, what am I supposed to do?

I'm not cutout for aerobics.

Cubing cheese is no challenge.

And I already fixed Sugerlip's radio.

Face it, Kate.

I'm a man without a purpose.

Or a planet.

Or a middle finger, for that matter.

Well, I'm sure you'll find

Something interesting to do..

...eventually.

That's what I've been trying to..

Stuck.

I surmised.

Ahh!

Sorry.

Furry handprint.

I see it.

Leaving now.

Good idea.

[instrumental music]

Well, what's your professional opinion?

He's bored.

But you don't think there's any underlying

psychological reason?

Maybe boredom.

That's it?

Well, he's a very intelligent being.

I mean, he needs to be challenged.

He needs to be muzzled.

He has the computer.

I've bought him dozens of books

video tapes.

He has plenty to do. The problem is

he wants to be in the middle of whatever we're doing.

It's easy to forget, you know, that he's an adult

and he wants to be treated like one.

So, what do we do?

Well, you could, uh

talk to him, tell him your feelings

ask for advice, his opinion, and..

Do it at dinner. It'll work wonders.

What if it doesn't?

We'll have dessert.

Oh, look, it's the gravy train.

Larry, you can sit right there.

Ah, thank you, thank you, Kate.

Wow, everything looks delicious.

Uh, well, uh, willie..

How's life been treating you?

Um, well, now you mention it

there, uh..

There is a guy at work..

I-I've been having kind of a hard time with.

Oh, so tonight, we're dining and whining?

Uh, you want to tell us about it, willie?

Well, he's, uh, he's just really competitive, you know?

He's, um.. He's always trying to beat my case load

to get a raise ahead of me

get promoted before I do.

I know that's not what social work is all about

but I just can't help feeling pressured by this guy.

What do you think, ALF?

Huh?

Well, there's this guy at work..

I heard that part.

Well..

What do you think?

You're asking me?

You got a shrink right here.

No, I really value your judgment.

You what my what?

Dad wants your opinion.

Oh.

Well, willie, if you must be competitive

why don't you just compete with yourself?

Not only will you feel better

you'll always win.

That's exactly what I would have said.

Really?

Really.

You, a psychologist

would have given the same advice as I, a lay alien?

That's right.

Kate.. Uh, Kate? Would you like some beets?

Beets?

Oh.

Oh, yes. Uh-huh.

Um..

Speaking of work, you know

I really love my job

but whenever I'm there, I feel like

I'm neglecting the baby

and whenever I'm home here with eric

I feel like I'm not pulling my weight at work.

How do you feel about that, ALF?

Me, again?

Yeah, I, uh..

I just wondered how you thought about that.

Well, did you go back to work after Lynn was born?

Yeah, I did.

Well, see? She turned out just fine.

She's not a rooftop sniper or anything.

Thanks, ALF.

That's exactly what I would have said.

Wow! Two for two!

Who's next?

Um, I have a problem too.

I don't like math.

Neither do I.

Thanks! I feel better now.

Hey, I'm on a roll!

Anything I can help you with, Lynndigo?

Sure.

Danny and I have been dating for over a year now

and I know he likes me, but I just--

'I still feel jealous when he talks to other girls.'

I wish I knew what to do about that.

Well, my advice would be to talk it over with Danny.

Let him know how you feel

and I'm sure you'll be able to work things out.

You with me on this, lar?

Oh, that's exactly what I would have said.

Hey, this is great!

How much you get paid for this kind of thing?

What kind of thing?

This advice shtick.

Well, actually, I get paid quite a lot.

Why do you ask?

Because I've found my true calling..

I'm going to be a shrink.

How does that make you feel?

[instrumental music]

Willie?

Yeah?

"When the wayfarer whistles in the dark

"he may be disavowing his timidity

But he does not see any the more clearly for doing so."

I beg your pardon?

Freud said that.

You were clinking.

Clinking?

You feel you haven't made

a significant mark on the world

so you compensate

by unconsciously asserting your presence

in situations where you feel anonymous.

What are you reading?

It's a therapy book. Larry loaned it to me.

I'm a shrink now, remember?

Oh, right.

Willie, if this interests ALF

we should be supportive.

And very grateful.

Right.

Uh, maybe you've got a point.

I'll, uh.. In the future, I'll refrain from clinking.

You'll be the better for it.

These eggs are a little bit dry.

I'm sorry. I always do that.

Kate, Kate, Kate.

You're expanding one tiny failure

into a self-defeating behavior pattern.

What?

It's called overgeneralization.

You convince yourself that you can never cook eggs right

and then you can't cook eggs right.

Oh, I have a headache.

Morning.

Morning, Brian.

Hey, B.

Have you ever dreamed you were being chased

by a giant cheese log?

No.

Then I'll only need to see you five times a week.

[instrumental music]

Huh!

It says in this article that babies sometimes

remember things that happened when

they were still in the womb.

- Really? - Yeah.

I wonder if eric will remember

how things were around here before he was born.

Carl Jung was a big weenie head.

With any luck, he'll forget his first five years entirely.

I'm preparing a paper

for the American Psychological Association

that proves Jung's theorems were based on faulty logic

and misinterpreted data.

How do you spell "Na-na na-na-na?"

ALF, it's not that we don't appreciate

your attempts to overanalyze every..

To, uh, help us with our problems, but--

Speaking of problems

we've got to do something about Brian.

What's wrong with Brian?

[sucks teeth]

He's been experiencing a lot of negative stroking

from Kate lately

and it's affecting his sense of okayness.

Alright. Okay. This has gone far enough.

Now, now, honey.

No, no, it's alright.

It's good to ventilate.

I am not ventilating. I am talking.

And I resent the implication

that I am having a negative effect on my son's okayness.

Furthermore--

How long have you had this persecution complex?

ALF!

I was talking to your wife.

Now, we ought to take a look

at your ego boundaries, willie.

Oh, I give up, I give up.

You're relinquishing your resistance. Good.

Now we can make some real progress.

And you are spouting a lot

of psychological clichés

you don't even understand.

Why so hostile, willie?

I'm okay. You're okay.

This must stop!

That's right, a quick primal scream.

Let it fly! Then I'll..

You cannot keep aggravating people like this.

Why do you hate your mother?

And he's just gotten completely carried away

with this therapy thing.

Oh, you know ALF, he gets carried away

with everything he does.

What motivated you to let it go this far?

Oh, stop it, Larry. I've had enough of this all week.

Just fix it.

Yeah, you know what they say..

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

In ALF's hands, foam rubber is a dangerous thing.

Do you think you can help?

Trust me. I'm a professional.

The last time someone said that to me

I ended up with purple hair.

Dinner smells great, mom.

And you worked in all the food groups, too.

Well, I had planned to serve steaks tonight

But I forgot to take them out of the freezer

so at the last minute--

Kate, Kate, Kate.

I think we're overcompensating, aren't we?

Excuse me?

You're apologizing for the food

in order to disguise your feelings

of insecurity around Larry.

Right, lar?

No, she's not doing that at all.

You're projecting your feelings about me onto Kate.

Are you challenging my autonomy?

Well, you're the one that set yourself up

as a resident psychology expert.

I mean, it's only natural that you'd be threatened by me.

Who's threatened?

I'm coming from a very secure place.

Ah, I'm picking up some hostilities here.

Can't we just have a simple dialogue

between our adult ego states?

Well, you're discounting an emotion

you're not prepared to confront.

And you're judging my reactions

with an unfair cultural bias.

You know, I think this is just another temporary obsession

to draw attention to yourself.

Hey!

That wasn't nice.

It's not so much fun being on the receiving end

of the couch, is it, ALF?

Aw, come on.

I don't sound like him.

Do I?

- Yep. - Sure do.

Wow.

You're really annoying.

Well, I've been at it a long time.

Now I know what Jung meant when he said

"The growth of the mind

"is the widening of the range of consciousness

"and each step forward has been a most painful

"and laborious achievement."

That's very insightful.

Personally, I always thought Carl Jung was a big..

[instrumental music]

(woman on radio) 'And I know he really does love me'

'but he just doesn't show it at all anymore.'

'Should I talk to a divorce lawyer?'

(man on radio) 'Well, as an attorney'

'I've seen a lot of divorce cases'

'that could have been avoided'

'if the couple had seen a marriage counselor'

'so I really suggest that you try to work things out first.'

'Let's take our next caller.'

'Welcome to "Let's Talk Legal."'

(ALF on radio) 'I specialize in family law.'

'That lady should sue the bum for all he's worth.'

'She'll clean up on community property'

'and she can get enough property'

'to start her own community. Ha!'

You check the garage, I'll cut the phone lines.

(ALF on radio) 'I'm working with a couple right now..'

'Your typical domestic tragedy waiting to happen.'

'The guy should have dumped his battle axe years ago.'

'I mean, talk about tempers.'

'Oh, hi, Kate. Hey!'

[line disconnects]

(man on radio) 'Hello? Hello?'

'Y-you're on the air?'

'Well, let's take our next caller.'

[theme music]

[laughing]