Original subtitles

[computer beeping]

Hey, Willie. Will I be in your way if I use the computer?

Yeah. I'm looking for a birthday present for Kate.

In a garage? What does she want, a hedge trimmer?

No, I-I've joined the new computer shopping service.

Uh, this way I can shop for just about anything I want

without ever leaving my house. I-isn't that great?

Yeah, right. Why go outside?

You'll only end up with a little color.

Isn't there anybody else you could bother?

We voted. You were the people's choice.

So what're you gonna spring for?

Oh, I can't decide between the high-heeled pumps

and the cubic zirconia.

Well, she does sleep with you.

- Go for the pumps. - It's settled.

- Let me play "Donkey Kong." - No, no, no.

(Kate) 'Willie?'

Act natural.

- Willie.. - Good afternoon, Mrs. Tanner.

And might I add, that's a lovely dress you're wearing.

How am I doing?

Willie, do you know anything about the Salvation Army

coming to pick up our television set?

Ah-ha, what a stroke of luck!

Now we'll have room for that new big-screen TV

we've had our eyes on.

Nice try, ALF.

- I'll talk to them. - Get a receipt!

Let's go shopping!

I need a new pair of lederhosen.

So hard to find junior sizes.

Which button is it?

[keys clacking]

Hello. What's this?

"Welcome to the Home Investor's Network."

Hey! Think I'm gonna like this game.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Well, what do you guys think?

Well, dad, maybe they looked better on the monitor.

Oh, there she is. Don't say anything.

Remember, it's a surprise.

- 'Hi, mom.' - 'Hi.'

How about, "Hi, mom. Gosh, you shouldn't be carrying

those heavy things, that's our job?"

You read our minds.

Ohh. Here, sweetie.

[sighs]

- Thank you, honey. - Sure.

Kate, do you know anything about this letter?

"Dear Mr. Tanner. Enclosed please find

confirmation numbers for stocks purchased this week."

Willie, I thought we were gonna consult each other

before doing anything stupid?

Well, it's got to be a mistake.

Probably a three-foot furry mistake.

Sometimes I think we should just sign everything over to him

and slip away in the middle of the night

"Congratulations. Your account shows you are up by $5000."

Yes! Yes!

"Care to make another buy?"

Are you kidding? Does Willard Scott wear a toupee?

- ALF. - Oh, hi, Willie.

You're just in time to see me launch a hostile takeover.

Whatever that is!

Hey, I was right in the middle of my game!

This is not a game, you've tapped into

my stock-market service.

You're investing my money!

I'm playing with real money?

- What a great game! - It's not a game!

You know, you can beat a point to death.

I'm not gonna let you put my house, my family

my whole life into jeopardy!

Now, tell me, just tell me..

How much?

$5000.

[grunts]

Ahead.

We're players, Willie. Players!

[exhales sharply]

I knew you'd be happy.

But you could've lost everything, ALF.

Let's just take this as an unexpected windfall and stop!

But I finally found a way to make an honest living.

Now, granted, you'd be taking all the risks.

But that's the beauty of it!

Come on, Willie. Cut me loose.

Let me fly. Let my people go.

Okay, ALF.

You can continue to play the market.

Alright. Way to hang, Willie boy!

But only on paper! That means no money.

A pencil, a calculator, a visor if you want.

- Did I mention no money? - In passing.

Hey, no wonder he works for the government.

[instrumental music]

Mom, I woke up with a craving for French toast and sausage.

Or oatmeal, whichever's easiest for you.

Does ALF know that breakfast is ready?

ALF! Breakfast is ready!

Thank you.

Oh, it's still here.

You know, I never thought I'd miss the sound

of ALF hoovering down his food.

What's bothering him, anyway?

He's been glum, glum, glum since daddy took his keyboard away.

I heard that.

I thought it was high time we establish

who, in fact, is in charge in this house.

And I'm pretty sure it's me.

Uh, us.

No particular order.

Nice save, dad.

- Good morning. - 'Morning, ALF'

- Hi, ALF. - I have an apology to make.

Willie, I've had a bad attitude

since you took me off the computer

and I'd like to say I'm sorry.

Well, thank you, ALF.

It-it's big of you to admit that.

Thanks.

There's more, isn't there?

Well, yes. Lots more.

Oh, no!

Willie, my friend, since you took back control

of the family fortune I've made us $11,000.

On paper!

$11,000?

On paper!

Here's your share. Knock yourself out.

Just out of curiosity, ALF..

What system do you use to pick these stocks?

I select companies whose initials

spell out Melmacian holidays

That's not a system. It's just dumb luck.

Willie, Willie, Willie, Willie, Willie!

Think about it.

Now, there are people who jump onboard

and there are people who are left on the dock.

And then there are those who are always late

getting to the airport.

What are you talking about?

I don't know. I sort of got lost there myself.

I do remember it having a travel theme.

[instrumental music]

- Kate? - Uh-huh?

You remember how we said we'd consult each other

before we did anything stupid?

You want ALF to invest our money, don't you?

Because that is about the stupidest thing

that I could think of at the moment.

He'd only be working with the $5000 that he's already made.

- You can't be serious. - But I know it sounds crazy.

But every stock he's picked has made money...o-on paper

What if he has some sort of incredible gift?

Some unexplainable instinct.

What if he's some kind of an alien savant?

Willie, what's this really all about?

[sighs]

I don't know.

Maybe I'd just like to be able to get you nice things.

Oh, I don't need nice things.

I mean, I have several nice things.

Well, wouldn't we breathe a lot easier

if we could pay off a few of the mortgages on this house?

Honey, if that's what you wanna do, then I-I'm behind you.

But don't let him go into our savings

because that would be really stupid

and then, we'd have to talk again.

Thanks. Thanks.

I, uh, I just wanna go and tell ALF.

I don't know. Maybe he's still up.

I guess you heard.

Inadvertently.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- Willie? - Yeah, yeah!

If you must pace, can you do it in one direction?

Call me when you get to Fresno.

Well, I-I-I've never been up

$15,000 on the stock market before.

Why, $20,000.

It's just the beginning, Willie.

Do it. Let's sell.

- I thought you trusted me. - I do. I do.

What am I saying?

You know, we've been at this for only two days.

At this rate, do you realize

where you'll be at the end of the year?

Yeah. I'll be in a clinic with the pulse rate of a hummingbird.

Yes, but hooked up to the best machines money can buy.

Listen, ALF, I've been doing some research

and I say we should invest in a hundred shares of AT&T.

I say BLaCh.

But, ALF, AT&T is an American institution.

So were the Village People. But where are they now?

Trust me. It's BLaCh. Boston Latrine Chemicals.

Come on, you're acting like you've never heard of it.

I haven't.

Well, Blach was an important holiday on Melmac.

- Need I say more? - Yes. Lots.

I say we invest the whole 20 Gs.

You've got three minutes to decide.

What?

[humming "Final Jeopardy" theme]

S-stop it!

ALF, stop!

I just don't think that we should

put all our eggs into one basket.

Will you keep your holidays out of this?

Now come on, Willie.

Not only are they the right initials

but it's outdoor-concert season!

Latrines are gonna go sky-high!

I still say we diversify and buy into several companies.

Now, look, it says right here--

Willie. Willie, honey, baby, sweetheart.

I can't make you a rich man if you keep

second-guessing every senseless choice I make.

Alright.

BLaCh it is.

I like your thinking.

Now go get me a fresh pot of coffee.

[instrumental music]

- Happy Birthday, mom. - Oh, Lynnie, Lynnie.

- It is beautiful. - 'Nice.'

I know

- Can I borrow it tonight? - Sure. Here.

Now, hurry up. The Tokyo market just opened!

Time is yen.

- Here, mom. Open mine next. - Okay.

Let's see. Oh, oh, honey!

[chuckles] Honey, that is so sweet.

- I made it myself. - No kidding.

Next.

- Happy birthday, honey. - Thanks, sweetie.

- Oh, good. Here come the pumps. - Stop it.

The pumps, Mr. Smarty

are on their way back to Taiwan.

- Oh, Willie, a crystal vase? - 'Oh.'

Hand-etched. From France. Really heavy.

Oh, I noticed. I love it, honey. Thank you.

- Ha-ha. - Aw..

Well, come on. There's an alien present!

Oh, ALF, you've seen us kiss before.

No, I mean there's an alien present.

That means, open the present from the alien.

- Okay. - Ooh!

Now, let's see here. My goodness.

Oh, ALF. Oh, it's so generous.

And so unlike you.

- Look, Lynnie. - Oh, wow.

So you went for the cubic zirconia.

Ha! Would a cubic zirconia do this?

[Willie gasps]

Hey, man, like, I'm really sorry.

Oh. Well, I guess one side

has to face the wall anyway.

Do you mean these are real diamonds?

What else would you expect from Tiffany's?

Tiffany's?

ALF, is this going to show up on the 6 o'clock news?

No, no, it's legit.

Look, here's the receipt.

Yup, that's my credit card number, alright.

I'll pay you back out of my earnings.

ALF, this is entirely too much money.

Are you gonna throw a hissy fit

every time I squander a few thousand bucks?

Now, you listen to me, that is exactly the sort of thinking

that's going to lose us that $20,000 just like that!

$10,000. Pass the cake.

Come again.

Oh, didn't I tell ya?

We lost half our money.

Hey, Willie, honey, babe.

It's just a temporary setback.

Don't you Willie-honey-babe me.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

Uh, we are getting out of the stock market, right now.

I'm gonna take that money, I'm gonna put it in the bank.

The bank? Kate!

Talk some sense into the man!

I'm talking swimming pools, movie stars

black gold, Texas tea.

- No, he's right, ALF. - Sure, Kate.

Take this pin and stab me in the back with it.

Dad, isn't it only fair that ALF's entitled

to share in some of the profit?

You were always my favorite.

You should listen to her more. She's in college now.

- Yep. - Granted, it's a party school.

Okay, ALF, here's what I'll do.

I'll give you $2500.

And can I keep investing?

- It's your money, ALF. - Yeah?

What if I were to run it up to, say, oh, $4,000,000?

I'll just have to live with that, every day

for the rest of my life.

And I'll be there to remind you.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Alright, alright.

Everything's fine. Everything's fine.

I'm gonna be okay.

Just a setback.

One huge, spiraling setback.

- Hi, ALF. - Brian will you calm down?

And tell your twin to do the same.

But I'm all alone.

- Are you okay? - Everything's fine.

Uh, I'm just having problems with my motor skills.

I've been drinking coffee, but it's not helping.

Uh, come over here. I need your help.

So, what do you want me to do?

I want you to check my portfolio balance.

Just push the enter button

stand back, and whatever happens, stay calm.

Please blink.

There's no time.

Uh, say, Bri..

What, uh, what happens to all that money

Grandma Dorothy keeps giving you?

- Where is it? - It's in the bank.

But I can't get it without her being with me.

Well, no problem, we'll go to the bank together.

- I look like her. - It won't work, ALF.

You're right. She has more facial hair.

New idea, how about you getting me

your father's automatic-teller card

and his code number?

- I can't do that. - Sure you can.

Just start out by talking about the weather

then you tell him what a great dancer he is

then you casually work it into the conversation.

ALF, I've never seen you this desperate.

Desperate? I'll show you desperate!

Get me that code number!

- I want that code-- - ALF!

Why were you shaking Brian?

If you must know, I was helping him

with his Katharine Hepburn impression.

Now, repeat after me, Brian..

[imitates Katherine Hepburn] You're my knight in shining armor.

My knight in shining armor.

[sighs]

[instrumental music]

- See ALF? - Yes.

He was teaching our son Katharine Hepburn impressions.

And you were worried.

What are you all looking at?

Haven't you ever seen a pot of coffee before?

ALF, put the coffee pot down.

Oh, you'd all like that, wouldn't you?

[laughs]

Don't worry, Joe. We're in this together. When I say run, run.

ALF, why don't you..

Why don't you go upstairs and rest? For a week.

We'll, uh, we'll entertain your little friend.

His name's Joe.

Hey, Willie.

Hey, handsome.

Great weather we're having, huh?

I understand you're quite a dancer.

What was your bank code number again?

- ALF-- - You're right, I'll guess.

It'll be more fun.

- One, one, one, one. - ALF..

- One, one, one, two. - ALF!

- One, one, one, three. - ALF, stop!

That's it? Good. I thought we were gonna be here all night!

Give me your wallet. I'll be back in half an hour.

No wallet. You lost your share of the money, didn't you?

Willie, I need to make one more buy.

I know I can turn this around.

- I just need a grand. - No.

A hundred. One lousy hundred stinking dollars

ALF, yo-you're foaming.

You don't understand. I can make us all rich!

Rich, do you hear me? I'm talking Donald Trump rich!

Malcolm Forbes rich. Buddy Rich!

I need money. Money! Ha!

- It's over, ALF. - No!

- No, no, no. - Dad, do something.

- No, no-- - Get a hold of yourself.

- No, no, no. - ALF, ALF, ALF!

I'm done.

Sorry. I didn't wanna have to do that.

Nah, don't worry about it.

You know what happened, don't you?

I have a feeling you're gonna tell me.

Some people are blinded by the thirst for money

and it makes them lose their values an-and go crazy

and do things they shouldn't do.

That explains "Ghostbusters II."

- Are you feeling better? - Yeah.

Your father's quite a guy.

It took a big man to rough up a defenseless three-foot alien.

Welcome back, ALF. We were worried about you.

Thanks.

Hey, come on, you big lug.

Well, I guess I'm still a tad keyed up.

So if you guys need me, I'll be out re-tarring the driveway.

Give me back my wallet.

Must have lost my touch.

[instrumental music]

- Willie? - Yeah, ALF.

Listen, I've been wondering

how come you came out of this with $7500

and I came out with bupkus?

But I'm not challenging you.

Well, ALF, I had a feeling

you were going to not challenge me on this.

So, uh, I'll tell you what.

If what you've cost me over the years

turns out to be less than what you've made me

then I'm gonna give you the difference.

I've made a list.

Ha! What a maroon. Go ahead.

Punch the key. Punch it. Go ahead, punch it.

Punch the key.

You can't count when I crashed into your garage.

I didn't even know you then!

It counts, ALF.

Well, you can't count the first kitchen fire.

Is it my fault you have outlets

that won't support 30 appliances?

It's your fault. It counts.

"Bail money?"

Why do I get charged with your bail money?

You got me arrested.

Oh, yeah, right.

[laughs]

Oh! Oh, these are all great memories!

How come we don't have pictures of this stuff?

You broke my camera.

Oh, right. Why don't you just put it on my tab?

It's there!

Right above, "One scratched crystal vase."

You're so retentive.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[ALF laughs]