Original subtitles

[cow mooing on TV]

Mind if I change the channel?

Shh, I'm watching something.

Thanks. You're a champ. Hand me the remote.

- No. - But I've seen this before.

The guy gets gang-hoofed by a bunch of really stupid cows.

- ALF. - Okay, they're smart cows.

They just freak in large groups.

Would you be quiet?

You're not getting your way

just because you spoiled the end of my movie.

I didn't spoil it.

It ends with his girlfriend going insane

and singing about corn.

It was Shelley Winters' finest moment.

- ALF! - But "Crime Stoppers" is on.

I am not watching "Crime Stoppers" again.

What's wrong with a show that asks its viewers

to hunt down dangerous felons for a buck?

It's base and demeaning.

Well, excuse me, Miss Brideshead Revisited.

Okay. Here. You win.

You always win.

[changing channels]

Nice kid, but she's got no taste.

Our next suspect has left a trail of broken hearts

and empty bank accounts, all across this country.

Not another TV evangelist.

Our suspect is wanted for polygamy and fraud.

He was last seen in Tallahassee seven years ago

'after marrying at least eight different women'

'and bilking them out of'

hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Have you seen him?

Yeah!

He's in the kitchen.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Victims who have come forward have described our suspect

as anything from boring to nondescript.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew Willie was hiding something.

The way he keeps to himself

pretending he doesn't enjoy our company.

But I always thought if Willie was a criminal

he'd be one of those quiet sniper types.

(man on TV) 'The state of Florida is offering a $10,000 reward'

'for information leading to his capture.'

Do you really think it's Willie?

Well, add up the clues. Look at the guy.

Same weak chin, same high forehead, same slopy eyes.

Apparently, some women found it a noble chin

a classic forehead and bedroom eyes.

What are you, starting to fall for him?

No, honey. However, if he is the man they're looking for

he must have something women want.

And maybe, if you asked Willie nicely

he'd show you what it is.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, it wouldn't hurt for you to learn something

about romancing the opposite sex.

I'm already married. Why bother?

- You're such a lug. - Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe this lug is just gonna call that 800 number

and claim his $10,000 reward.

Willie Tanner, or whoever he is this week, is our friend.

He has never done anything to us, and particularly to me.

And until he does, we're gonna leave him alone.

(man on TV) 'If you have any information on our suspect'

we ask that you not confront him directly.

Warning a suspect will likely put him back on the run.

I can't believe it!

My Willie, a stud?

Yeah!

But what if Willie is this guy?

Will I turn him in or hide him?

The high road or the low road?

Oh, why can't things ever be black or white?

Hi, ALF. What you watchin'?

Uh, nothing that had to do with your father

if that's what you're implying.

- Okay. - But since you brought it up..

- How is your father? - I guess he's fine.

You have any brothers or sisters you don't know about?

ALF, have you been hitting the catnip again?

No, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Just wanna know, how long have you known your cad? Dad, dad!

- All my life, I guess. - Is that right.

What about when you were between the ages

of, say, zero and three?

Those years are pretty much a blur.

Ah-ha! So it's possible!

He may have gone on side trips

to a place called Tallahassee, for instance.

Lynn's here. Can I go now?

Yeah. Nice jawing with ya.

- What's with him? - Beats me.

He's been acting really weird lately.

- Hey, Lynn. - Hmm?

Has your father ever left for long periods of time

then come back with less energy

pockets full of money, and a big smile on his face?

Why didn't I go away to college?

Well, the kids are a wash.

And I can't ask Willie about it or he'll skip town

leaving me with Kate, a woman scorned.

Well, at least there'd be no personality change.

[instrumental music]

Catching a few Z's?

- Not at the moment. - Oh.

Well, since you're having trouble sleeping

have you ever thought about changing your appearance?

[sighs] No, I haven't.

Go away.

- ALF? - Yeah?

Why did you just put a wig on my head?

Pretty natural, huh?

Why are you doing this to me?

You know what they say, Willie, it's the wig that makes the man.

I'm not wearing a wig.

- Certainly not that one. - Okay.

Then perhaps these glasses would enhance

your already ruggedly-handsome face

- ALF. - Alright, then try these.

You know what they say about men with big ears..

What-what are you doing with all this stuff?

Well, you wanna look dapper for that cruise, don't you?

- Cruise? - Yes, Willie Tanner.

You have won a luxury cruise to the Bahamas!

A cruise?

You mean you won a radio contest or something?

Yeah, that works.

Of course, it doesn't include airfare, meals, gratuities

or the actual cruise itself.

Go out the back way.

The only place I'm going is to take a nap.

Good, then wear the ears. You'll sleep better.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Willie? Uh..

No, Willie doesn't live here anymore.

He's, uh, he's in the Bahamas, diving for spare change.

Hey, he's following his dream. Bye.

- Who were you just talking to? - Uh, no one.

I know what you were doing, you were checking up

on Willie, weren't you?

So what if I was?

Trevor, you leave that man alone.

- Did he ask about me? - No.

He disguised his voice and said he moved to the Bahamas.

Raquel, the guy's guilty as sin.

Well, then that means that he's guilty of.. Ooh!

- That does it. - What are you doing?

- You are not turning him in. - Be strong, Raquel.

Don't give in to your urges. You never have in the past.

Then I refuse to be a party to this.

The man committed a crime.

We can't ignore our civic duty.

And don't ask me to compromise my morals.

Hello, "Crime Stoppers?"

I hope you're ready to cough up ten grand.

[instrumental music]

Hi, St. John's Hospital?

I'd like some information on face transplants.

No, I'm quite happy with mine, thank you.

It's for a friend.

- ALF. - I'll call you back.

ALF, why would you wanna know about...face transplants?

Well, I thought it'd be nice to see some new faces around here.

[laughs]

We're happy with the old ones.

Thanks, just the same.

Okay, your call.

- Honey? - Yes, dear.

Have you seen my shoes?

- What, the brown wingtips? - No. Any of them?

They're all gone.

Now you can stay around the house and out of trouble.

I know, let's spend the day in the middle of the room

and stay away from the windows.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

- Get me my shoes. - I can't.

Get me my shoes.

Trust me. You have beautiful feet.

Display them proudly.

(Kate) 'Willie?'

[sighs] Willie..

These gentlemen are here to see you.

They say they're from...the FBI.

FBI?

Mind if we come in, sir?

- No, of course not. - What is this about?

Can I tell them? Can I tell them?

Go ahead. Knock yourself out.

Uh, we'd like you to come downtown

and answer the charges of embezzlement

interstate trafficking, fraud, and here's the biggie, polygamy.

Get your shoes.

Polygamy? That-that is absurd.

You obviously have the wrong man.

Oh, well, then it's our mistake. Sorry for the trouble.

We'll be on our way.

See, everybody thinks we're just all business.

Where could you possibly get the idea

that I could ever be guilty of any of those things?

Somebody matching your description

was plastered all over "Crime Stoppers" last night.

A greedy viewer turned you in.

What's going on?

These men are from the FBI.

They seem to think I resemble somebody they want.

Is it someone who comes from Tallahassee?

What do you know about Florida, son?

Uh, somebody asked me if dad had ever been there.

Ah, now I'm beginning to understand

the source of the confusion.

So could you clue us in?

Actually, no, I can't.

- Would you come with us? - Oh, is that really necessary?

I mean, couldn't you just leave a questionnaire behind

or something? I-I-I swear I'll be honest.

It isn't gonna work.

We know all about the Bahamian getaway.

How'd you know about that? I mean.. What?

Oh, I mean..

Never mind.

Let's go.

Aren't you gonna take your shoes?

I don't have any.

Next Father's Day, you ought to drop a hint.

[door closes]

Willie's been caught.

Kate thinks I turned him in.

I'm gonna end up hung by my neck in a Chinese deli.

(Kate) 'ALF, get in here!'

[instrumental music]

Okay.

I'll give you two hints, and then that's it.

"Irreconcilable Differences," "The Main Event."

Oh. I got it.

- Bad Shelley Long movies. - Nope.

- Okay, I give up. - Bad Ryan O'Neal movies.

- Oh. - "Paper Moon."

No, that was a good one.

- "Oliver's Story." - Ooh!

"Fever Pitch," "Partners," "So Fine."

Oh, shoot me and get it over with.

Nobody's shooting anybody yet.

Just wait in here with the others.

We'll process you as soon as we can.

Others?

Hello.

Oh, who threw their gum on the floor?

[groans]

ALF?

[gasps]

Too bad this isn't a pine box.

Could we discuss this after you've calmed down

and I've had time to make travel arrangements?

ALF, I don't understand you.

Did I mention I'm a bleeder?

How could you do this to Willie

after all the things that he's done for you?

I knew you'd finger me. Hence the box.

But you're wrong, Kate. I didn't turn him in.

Friends?

You saw the show, you grilled Lynn and Brian

you jumped to conclusions, and somebody did call the FBI.

Well, sure, when you group them all together like that

it sounds bad.

But I was only trying to keep him from running away.

Willie is not a polygamist.

Oh, sure, Kate!

But just in case he's gone forever

we still have his memories.

And his house.

And we can find a way to keep it if you agree to work nights.

I cannot talk to you now. I am too mad!

Is that 24-hour mad

or dissect-the-alien mad?

If you wake up, you'll know.

[groans]

Um, excuse me, uh, do you have a moment?

[scoffs]

- How.. Yeah. What is it? - Well..

The guys and I were wondering if you wanted

to get in on our pool?

- What are you betting on? - Oh, ha.

Well, which one of us, if any, is guilty.

Costs $5 to buy in.

Uh, I'm not sure that that would really be appropriate.

Can you vote for yourself?

I'm in.

Tanner? Your story checked. You're free to go.

What a relief. Kate must be worried sick by now!

Hey, wait, wait!

Where are you going? I'm Willie Tanner. Remember?

Well, you guys all look alike to me.

Nice try, Mr. Fusco.

Well, Trevor, Raquel.

- 'What are you doing here?' - Uh, uh, Tanner.

Uh, Raquel is thinking of getting into law enforcement.

Isn't that right, Raquel?

Trevor, they've stripped him of his shoes.

I told you it could get ugly.

You'd better get used to that if you wanna wear the badge.

Oh, shut up!

Well, on your way home, eh, Mr. Tanner?

I know we're not supposed to say this

but you looked so darned scared.

Sorry, guy.

Well, Mr. Ochmonek, turns out your boy isn't a polygamist.

He's just a barefoot social worker.

You turned me in?

Ho-how could you?

You know, come to think of it, his eyes are kind of slopy.

Yeah, you look exactly like the guy on TV.

Well, of course. For heaven's sake, pick up the phone

and have me hauled in.

That's exactly what we did. What are you whining about?

I can't believe this. After all these years of being neighbors.

I can't believe you'd sell me out for a few thousand dollars.

$10,000.

Look, I'm really, very, very sorry.

But it is nice to know I can still dredge up a fantasy life.

Thank you.

- Need a ride? - Are you starting again?

[instrumental music]

No, I can't.

I have to stay home until my dad gets out of prison.

(Kate) Brian!

It's something about marrying lots of women

and taking all their money.

But I'm not allowed to talk about it. Bye.

[car engine rumbling]

Oh, it's your dad!

But why is he getting out of the Ochmoneks' car?

- Does he look hardened? - It's a tough call.

[clattering]

But he did just kick over one of their lawn flamingos.

- Hi, everybody. - Dad, you're free!

Oh, honey, I'm so glad you're home!

(Lynn) We missed you, dad.

- Was jail horrible? - Oh, uh..

Would've been nicer with shoes.

All I want now is to sit down to a nice quiet supper

and put this whole mess behind me.

Willie! Oh, Willie, I knew you were innocent!

I'm so excited, I could leave a spot right here on the carpet!

Honey, I'm gonna tell you something

that I never thought I would ever say.

What, you weren't voted Miss Congeniality, were you?

That would almost be easier to accept.

Thee fact of the matter is, ALF here

had nothing to do with this.

It was the Ochmoneks that turned me in.

Hallelujah!

¶ Oh when the saints come marching in ¶

¶ Oh, when the saints.. Everybody, come on! ¶¶

ALF, I hate to interrupt a good gloat

but why didn't you come to me

if you thought I was in trouble?

'Cause the man on TV said that if you were the guy

you might take it on the lam.

I didn't wanna lose ya.

You were trying to hide me.

That's what all that stuff was for, isn't it?

Hey, I figured after all these years of you protecting me

it was the least I could do for you.

I have to admit, that's a very noble gesture.

Done in an all-too-familiar twisted way.

Thanks.

Honey, why don't you go wash your feet? We'll have dinner.

Kids, you wanna set the table? I'll be in in just a second.

Well, ALF, uh, it seems that I owe you an apology.

I said a lot of things to you that were unfair

and if I hurt you, I'm sorry.

Why is it I get along with everybody else in this family

but you and I never seem to click?

My guess is, it's you.

We're clicking, we're clicking.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[giggling]

What's so funny?

Nothing, honey.

[giggling]

It's that polygamy thing again, isn't it?

No, honey. It's j-just something I'm reading.

"Khadhafi Stockpiling Nerve Gas."

That Muammar, what a prankster!

Okay, okay, I..

Honey, I was just trying to imagine you with all of those..

[giggles] All of those women.

I mean, no, not that it couldn't happen.

I still find you totally irresistible.

Really.

- Apology accepted. - Okay.

Let's drop it.

No, keep going, Kate!

Come on, we've both seen him in the shower.

We're dropping this conversation right now, thank you.

Well, if you need me, I'll be down on the corner

listening to rap music with the bros.

Wait, wait, wait. Where do you think you're going?

Say what?

That's not much of a disguise, you know?

You're right, if I had a little black bow

I could go as Rose Marie.

[chuckling]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[ALF laughs]