Original subtitles

[baby crying]

Aw! Shh.

Eric, don't. Don't.

Don't cry. Daddy's here.

Look at this face.

Look at this funny face.

A Roseanne Barr impression's only gonna anger him more.

I'm not impersonating Roseanne Barr.

Dom DeLuise.

I'm not impersonating anyone.

I'm trying to get Eric to stop crying.

Have you tried leaving the room?

Ha! Lighten up, Willie, huh?

Borrow a sense of humor, man.

I'm not in the mood right now, okay?

You want me to get him to stop?

No, no. Sometimes babies need to cry.

They just need to exercise their lungs.

Oh, why, that's fascinating.

[baby cries loudly]

Quiet!

[baby laughs]

It's all in the delivery.

If you need me, I'll be in the fridge.

[theme music]

So you played Tevye's wife in "Fiddler On The Roof."

Well, if those aren't babysitting credentials

I don't know what are.

Thank you.

[sighs]

I can't stand it when they cry.

Could you make it stop?

[chuckles]

- My husband's with him. - Okay.

Well, I think I know everything I need to know.

Thank you so much for coming by.

Oh, if it's the crying thing, I can wear my Walkman.

Goodbye.

And hope you get that part on "Munsters" today.

[sighs]

[baby crying]

What's for dinner?

Oh, ALF, you just had lunch.

Your dinners highlight my day, Kate.

But then again, I have no life.

- Any luck? - No.

You know what I'd love to have for dinner tonight?

I guess I'm just gonna have to tell my boss

that I can't show any more houses

until we get a babysitter.

Pork chops.

Don't worry, we'll find somebody.

Maybe a nice ham.

You think we're offering too little?

Maybe we should be paying more than $6.00 an hour.

Hey, hold it! Flag on the play.

You're paying these people?

I'll do it.

Did you call all the college papers..

- Of course. - And every college--

Perhaps you didn't hear me.

Thus, I'll say it again.

I'll baby-sit.

Uh.. No, I don't think so, ALF.

It's nothing personal, it's just..

Well, I guess it is personal.

Call us crazy, ALF.

Uh, we just feel that

we should have a human babysitter

what with Eric being human and all.

Oh, I see.

And have you thought about what happens to me

while that human babysitter

rummages through my fridge?

What do you mean, "your fridge?"

Okay, it's your fridge.

But the fuzz in the meat drawer is mine.

When the babysitter's here

you're gonna have to be in the attic.

Oh, great, prison.

Why don't you just stick me in a sweatbox?

We're all making adjustments, ALF.

You're not gonna be up there all that much.

Attica! Attica! Attica!

ALF, cut the dramatics.

I'm just gonna be working part-time.

But I've got an instinctive rapport with kids.

It's a gift that all Melmacians share.

That and the ability to suck milk

through our noses.

My...you are blessed, aren't you?

As passionate as your argument sounds, ALF

the answer's still no.

But why? Why?

Why?

Because you're irresponsible.

You trash the house.

You flooded the living room.

You wallpapered the shower.

It was a rhetorical question.

[instrumental music]

Okay.

Aw, there you go.

There you go.

There you go.

Aw, there's nothing more beautiful

than the sight of a mother

holding her freshly-swaddled babe

to her bosom.

Leave my bosom out of this, ALF.

You're not babysitting Eric.

- Any luck? - No.

No, I've, I've draped him over my shoulder

I've laid him across my lap

I've bounced him.

Eric just doesn't want to burp.

Hey, mind if I show you a trick?

The last time you showed me a trick

it took three weeks for my eyebrows

to grow back.

I told you not to lean in.

Come on, now. At no time will the baby leave my hands.

Spot him, Lynn.

Hey, Eric, how you doing?

Having a little gassy backup today?

[baby burps]

Huzza, huzza.

Who was that masked man?

Next case.

Whoo-hoo! Broccoli.

So, did I prove my point?

That could have been a coincidence.

So when do I start?

By the way, Thursdays are bad for me.

I do tai chi.

Granted, ALF, you give good burp

but that doesn't qualify you

to take care of an infant.

Kate, it can't be any different

than taking care of my younger brother and sister.

And they had 16 stomachs between them

and one bathroom.

Think about it.

[instrumental music]

Oh, ALF would you heat the baby's formula for me?

What do you need formula for, Kate?

Tapped out?

Never mind, I'll do it.

And thanks for not being petty about this, ALF.

Oh, now I'm being petty.

I'm petty and irresponsible.

You know, in time, this could become annoying.

Now I'm petty, irresponsible, and annoying.

The mud is being slung today.

[telephone rings]

Hello. Oh, hello, Mr. Donovan.

Oh, the property on Waverly place right now?

Oh, uh, well, gee.

This is not really a convenient time for..

Oh, that's pretty heavy wording there, sir.

But I-I don't see how I could possibly..

Oh, there you go again.

Well, no, no. Of course I don't want to lose a sale

when it's this close, it's just that..

Tell him I'll be there in 15 minutes.

I'd ask you what you're gonna do

but that would be petty, annoying, and irresponsible.

Not to mention nosy.

Don't be smug. I'll call Mrs. Ochmonek.

[imitates buzzer] Wrong answer.

Oh, I'm sorry. That was annoying, wasn't it?

They're on vacation.

Um.. Alright, I'll call Mrs. Carlson.

The woman who stands on corners and yells at buses?

A wise choice.

Right, right.

Uh, there's Mrs. Applebaum.

Don't you remember?

She's out becoming Mr. Applebaum.

Oh, that's right. I forgot to send flowers.

Too late for that. Send her some aftershave.

Oh, I can't get a hold of Lynnie.

She's still in school. Um..

I'm here.

Oh, alright, ALF. Will..

Will you baby-sit Eric?

No, I'm busy.

Of course I will, you silly ninny.

Ha ha!

ALF, listen

all the important telephone numbers

are right there by the phone.

No!

I will be back in 45 minutes, alright?

In 40 minutes.

Give Eric his formula when it's warm. Can you do that?

Kate, don't worry. Go.

Do the American thing

and put your career ahead of your family.

Okay, okay, I'm not a bad mother.

I love my child.

I love my child.

ALF, I will be back in 25 minutes.

In 20 minutes.

Heh.

(woman on TV) 'Charles, where are you?'

'Can you give me a hand in the kitchen?'

(Charles) 'In a second. I've got a couple of girls to look after.'

(woman on TV) 'Don't you mean women, Charles?'

Whoo-ho! Pfft! You low bro.

[baby crying]

Oh, great timing.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Lets got bail. He's the next Tony Denzel.

[crying]

Hey, hey, hey!

What's the matter, little guy?

[sniffs]

Whoa!

Sorry, Los Angeles.

Phew!

Alright, I might be a little rusty.

First the easy part.

[crying continues]

Whoa! Number two with a bullet.

Alright, let me just swab the deck, okay?

The old swabber.

[baby laughs]

There you go.

Yeah, yeah.

Now a, a little powder under your tush.

[coughs]

Alright, here we go.

[baby coughing]

A little powder under my tush.

Yeah.

Okay, now, a nice, clean diapie.

[baby coos]

Try to keep it that way.

[baby sneezes]

You know, this isn't so bad.

'I know I feel better.'

Yeah, you're a happy guy, aren't you?

[baby laughs] Yes, okay.

You amuse yourself

while I bury this bomb.

Clear the area.

Coming through. Watch your back.

I can't believe you forgot your mitt.

They never play me anyway.

Here, catch.

Better.

I'm gonna go get Eric.

ALF!

ALF!

Hm! I can't find ALF.

He's probably somewhere out back.

Hey, sweetie.

Oh! You want out? You want out?

[baby cooing]

Brian, tell ALF that mom called

and asked me to get Eric.

And you might want to take the price tag off the mitt.

And hurry.

Yes, your heinie.

(Lynn) 'I heard that.'

[car horn honks]

ALF, we took the baby!

[honk]

I'm coming. I'm coming.

[car engine starts]

Well, that should take care of the pesky gophers.

Eric, I'm back!

Did you have time to reload?

Eric?

Eric!

Eric!

Eric!

Oh, he's gone!

What have I done?

Eric!

Well, so much for keeping my powder dry.

Eric!

(ALF) Okay, operator, then how about this?

The baby got zapped into a parallel universe!

I've seen it happen.

A crank? Do I sound like a crank, huh?

[door rattles]

Uh-oh, that must be Willie.

I'll call you right back.

Hi, ALF.

Oh, hi, Willie.

I didn't see you come in. How was your day?

Mm. Don't ask.

I won't if you won't.

Oh, right. What've you done?

And what's it going to cost me?

Well, you see, Willie, that's the beauty of it.

In the long-run, it's gonna save you money.

Oh.

You mean you did do something?

I may have. I don't know.

That's where you come in.

Where's Kate? I want her to tell me.

She doesn't know yet.

She jumped off the mommy track

and went to show some property.

Well, who did she leave the baby with?

Me.

Oh..

So, you wanna split a fifth?

What I want is to..

...check on Eric.

Fine. Go ahead.

But whatever you do, don't go in the kitchen.

[hisses]

Eric! Eric, you get back in this dimension

right now, buster!

I mean it. Where are you?

This kitchen's fine.

Now I am scared.

(ALF) Eric! Eric, are you up here?

Eric, this isn't funny anymore.

Uh..

ALF!

Oh, hi, Willie.

Whatever you do, don't go to the Chrysler Building

in New York.

What are you doing in the chimney?

(ALF) Well, it has nothing to do with Eric

if that's what you're getting at.

Willie! Willie! Can you get me out of here?

(ALF) 'Willie?'

Where is he?

So you don't see him either?

Good. We're finally getting somewhere.

ALF!

I don't know, Willie!

He disappeared!

Disappeared? What are you talking about?

I don't know what I'm talking about!

That's what I'm talking about.

Did you check the house?

Eric! Eric, it's dad.

I looked everywhere, Willie.

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

I just wanted to do good.

I just wanted to make $6.00.

Alright, let's take this one step at a time.

When was the last time you saw him?

When I changed his diaper.

I took it outside to bury it.

When I came back, he was gone.

Is it possible you took him with you?

Well, it was a pretty heavy diaper.

But...no. Could I?

Oh, Lord.

Eric!

Eric!

Oh, ALF, give up.

He's obviously not out here.

This is not happening to me.

There's got to be some logical explanation.

Maybe..

...a dingo took your baby.

It happened to Meryl Streep.

Maybe he was crying, right?

And you picked up and walked him around to settle him

put him down somewhere and don't remember where.

Willie, you're grasping at straws.

I'm calling the police.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Would it help if I apologize?

Eric!

Operator, could you get me 911 quick?

Oh, of course I realize I could've dialed that myself.

So you can dial it for me.

Which way do you think will be faster?

Please take control.

Oh, thank you.

And you.

Did they find him?

Uh, I'm on hold.

Oh, what's gonna happen to me?

I'll probably get the chair.

I don't want to die, Willie.

But mostly, I don't like pain.

Hello, 911

I want to report a missing baby.

You've got to find him, please.

H-he's only six months old.

He's out there. He's all alone.

He's scared. He's vulnera..

Can I call you right back?

Uh-oh.

Stay put.

Hi, honey.

Who was that on the phone?

I have something very serious to tell you, Kate.

Whatever you do, Kate

don't go to the Chrysler Building

in New York.

What has he done, and how much is it going to cost us?

I don't know how to say this.

Willie, what.. Is it my mother?

We should be so lucky.

Sit down.

I can't find Eric. He's missing. I've looked everywhere.

Oh, honey, Eric is with us.

[door opens]

Hi.

Eric!

Oh!

Eric!

How come you never greet me like that?

Oh, Lynn.

Lynn, you wouldn't believe what happened here.

What did ALF do, and how much is it going to cost us?

We thought he lost our little Eric.

It would've cost him his life.

Isn't that the silliest thing?

[baby coos]

Look at this. ALF, he's safe.

He's safe, isn't that wonderful?

Hey, Eric, if I wasn't doing a good job

you should've told me

instead of hopping the first dingo out of here.

ALF, that isn't what happened.

I got a hold of Lynn after school

and asked her to take Eric with her

over to Brian's baseball game.

I told Brian to tell you. Didn't he?

Oh, yeah. Obviously he did, and it slipped my mind.

Oh, my gosh. What you guys must've gone through here.

Oh, well, I'm just grateful it's over.

Hey, why don't you tell her how you really feel, Willie?

Go ahead, give it to her good.

That is how I really feel.

Oh, then while that dust settles

I'd like to say something, Kate.

Okay.

Contrary to what you people must think

I have feelings.

I cried during terms of endearment.

Although I thought it was manipulative

it touched me just the same.

You also cried during "Caddyshack II."

But for different reasons.

Anyway, while you were out showing real estate

I dropped half my body fluid

not that it matters to you.

Well, I had no idea, ALF.

I mopped it up.

Thank you.

And here's the real coupe de ville

you fired me without even giving me

the chance to prove myself.

And this was one of the few times

I didn't mess up. Way to trust.

I've been unfair to you, ALF.

Hey, I was doing a really good job

before you pulled the rug out.

Will you give us another chance?

Not for six bucks an hour

but we'll talk.

[baby coos]

[instrumental music]

[snoring]

[baby cooing]

- Willie, what time does.. - Shh, Kate.

Look at this.

Oh, it's so cute, honey.

(Willie) You think the day will ever come

that he'll be able to walk out of here unafraid?

Won't have to hide anymore?

I hope so. It's what keeps me going.

Come on, let's get your jammies on.

Let's get your jammies on. Daddy's going to come, too.

Yeah. Yeah.

[yawns]

Ah! Oh, sorry, Eric.

I must've dozed off.

Eric!

Eric!

Oh, no! Not again!

What are the odds?

Got to get that kid a beeper.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[laughing]