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1
00:00:02,937 --> 00:00:04,970
¶ This is the way
we diaper our kid ¶
2
00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:07,706
¶ Diaper our kid
diaper our kid ¶
3
00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:10,843
¶ This is the way
we diaper our kid and.. ¶
4
00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:14,613
¶ This is how we drop it ¶¶
5
00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:19,418
What are you doing?
6
00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:21,954
Practicing for
when the baby comes.
7
00:00:21,956 --> 00:00:24,423
How well do
Earth children bounce?
8
00:00:25,092 --> 00:00:26,925
Not very.
9
00:00:26,927 --> 00:00:29,294
Then what do people
mean when they say
10
00:00:29,296 --> 00:00:32,064
"Bouncing baby boy?"
11
00:00:32,066 --> 00:00:35,100
It's an expression,
not a suggestion.
12
00:00:35,102 --> 00:00:37,369
Here, this is how you do it.
13
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:40,439
You put the diaper on like this
14
00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:43,409
and you fold it over like this
15
00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:45,511
and you fasten it..
16
00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:48,047
...here..
17
00:00:48,049 --> 00:00:50,082
...and here.
18
00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:52,451
Like this. See?
19
00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:54,753
Here, now you try it.
20
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:57,890
It's used now. Yuck.
21
00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:01,593
[theme music]
22
00:02:01,122 --> 00:02:02,921
[instrumental music]
23
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,160
It's-it's time!
24
00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:14,466
Keep hat on shelf.
25
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,101
That is good.
26
00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:25,077
Hi, ALF, what you watching?
27
00:02:25,079 --> 00:02:27,980
I'm not watching,
I'm studying.
28
00:02:27,982 --> 00:02:29,181
Studying what?
29
00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:31,817
The Petrie method
of childbirth.
30
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:37,422
But this is
"The Dick Van Dyke Show."
31
00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:39,158
Exactly.
32
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:42,928
You see, Rob Petrie
was the consummate TV father.
33
00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:45,764
That's why Ritchie
turned out to be such a mensch.
34
00:02:46,901 --> 00:02:48,934
Well, dad told me
where babies come from
35
00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:52,337
and he never mentioned
"The Dick Van Dyke Show."
36
00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:54,439
Your father is a good man
37
00:02:54,441 --> 00:02:58,577
but sometimes I think
his hefty bag's not twist-tied.
38
00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:04,283
Doctor says,
"Any day now, any day now.."
39
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,187
Hardly a week before..
40
00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:14,893
Brian, I have told
you a hundred times
41
00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:18,197
not to leave your baseball glove
on the floor.
42
00:03:18,199 --> 00:03:20,866
Oh-oh, here comes Crabzilla.
43
00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,968
Sorry, mom.
How was your nap?
44
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:25,170
Obviously,
not long enough.
45
00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:28,774
Look, ALF, a woman's body
goes through
46
00:03:28,776 --> 00:03:30,776
a lot of changes
when she's pregnant.
47
00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:33,245
She can't always
control her emotions.
48
00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:34,880
Oh.
49
00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:38,617
I'm sorry if I've been hard
on you guys.
50
00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:39,885
That's alright, mom.
51
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:42,487
Dad says no matter
how cranky you get
52
00:03:42,489 --> 00:03:44,389
we should just humor you.
53
00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:48,760
You can tell your father to
take his humor and sit on it.
54
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:51,029
Sure, mom,
whatever you say.
55
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:54,499
Hey, hey, just because
you're trucking a wide load
56
00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:57,436
doesn't mean you shouldn't
observe the social graces.
57
00:03:57,438 --> 00:03:59,871
You know, the worst
Laura Petrie ever did
58
00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:02,708
was an occasional, "Oh, Rob."
59
00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:06,278
Laura Petrie?
60
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,914
I'm studying up
to help you have your baby.
61
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:10,616
And you're studying..
62
00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:12,718
"The Dick Van Dyke Show."
63
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:14,853
Of course.
64
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:17,623
ALF, that's very sweet
of you to wanna help
65
00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:19,057
but in this particular case
66
00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:21,426
I think Willie is
a little more qualified.
67
00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:22,995
Yeah? Then where is he, huh?
68
00:04:22,997 --> 00:04:24,763
Answer me that, huh?
Where, huh?
69
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,965
Where, huh,
huh, huh, where?
70
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,401
I'm home.
71
00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:31,870
I hate when he does that.
72
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,338
Something I should know about?
73
00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:35,974
Only if you write
for "The Alan Brady Show."
74
00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:38,810
Nothing I should know about.
75
00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:40,879
I'm placing myself at the ready
76
00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:43,448
to assist mommy dearest
over there
77
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:45,083
with her blessed event.
78
00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:49,054
Uh, traditionally, ALF,
that's the father's role.
79
00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:50,088
Really?
80
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:52,090
On Melmac, the father's role
81
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:56,228
was to stand back
and yell, "Pull! Pull!"
82
00:04:56,230 --> 00:04:59,431
- Don't you mean, "Push, push?"
- No.
83
00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:01,300
On Melmac, the mother gave birth
84
00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:03,835
while the father
went skeet shooting.
85
00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:08,140
[instrumental music]
86
00:05:13,047 --> 00:05:14,880
[sighs]
87
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:17,683
Hey, Kate, did you know
that some doctors say
88
00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:20,285
that women should
give birth standing up?
89
00:05:23,957 --> 00:05:26,091
It's time! It's time!
90
00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:27,192
Stand up!
91
00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:31,063
Relax, ALF, it's not time.
92
00:05:31,065 --> 00:05:33,799
Well, isn't it about time
it was time?
93
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:40,472
Willie, you're wearing pajamas.
94
00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:43,842
ALF, I'm going to bed.
95
00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:46,044
But when Laura
was expecting Ritchie
96
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:47,813
Rob slept in his suit
every night.
97
00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:49,715
Actually it wasn't a suit,
it was a sports coat
98
00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:51,383
and slacks and a nice tie
99
00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:53,218
and he kept his hat
on the shelf above the bed
100
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:54,786
and I'm not sure
what he did about his shoes.
101
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:55,954
- Am I babbling?
- Yes.
102
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:57,489
I know, I know,
Melmackians do that
103
00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:59,358
when they're nervous,
also during white sales.
104
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,259
I'll stop now.
I'm gonna stop. I'm stopping.
105
00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:03,595
Here I go. I'm still doing it.
I forgot how to stop!
106
00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:06,465
ALF, ALF, ALF, just..
Okay, breathe, breathe.
107
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:08,867
- In...out.
- Breathe like that. Fine.
108
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,702
In...out.
109
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:11,837
I'll breathe.
I'm breathing.
110
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:13,138
[gasps]
It didn't help.
111
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:15,207
[gasps]
What if I can't stop?
112
00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:17,075
What if I talk
like this forever?
113
00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:18,610
I'll sound like Madeline Kahn.
114
00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:20,379
[gasping]
115
00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:23,648
You've gotta calm down
about this baby, ALF.
116
00:06:23,650 --> 00:06:25,617
That's easy for you to say.
117
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:26,985
You're phlegmatic.
118
00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:29,254
I'm tremulant.
119
00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:31,923
Besides,
on "The Dick Van Dyke Show--"
120
00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:34,292
Oh, ALF, I have told you
a hundred times
121
00:06:34,294 --> 00:06:37,062
"The Dick Van Dyke Show"
was just television.
122
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:39,731
They exaggerated things
to make 'em funny.
123
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:42,033
And Laura Petrie
was a character.
124
00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:44,703
Uh, the actress who played her
wasn't even pregnant
125
00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:46,738
when she did the show.
126
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,407
I suspected that.
127
00:06:48,409 --> 00:06:51,576
She never did get as big
as Mount St. Katherine here.
128
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:53,612
Exactly.
129
00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:55,647
I'm sorry, dear.
130
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,983
First I'm cranky,
now I'm fat.
131
00:06:57,985 --> 00:07:00,719
Honestly, Willie, I don't know
why you even married me.
132
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:04,923
Could we, could, could we
talk about this later?
133
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,926
ALF, I have helped my wife.
134
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,561
The cranky,
fat one?
135
00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,062
ALF.
136
00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:14,299
Hey, Roseanne Barr
built a career on it.
137
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:19,905
I have helped my delightful,
slender wife safely
138
00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:21,506
through two pregnancies
139
00:07:21,508 --> 00:07:23,708
and I will help her
through this one
140
00:07:23,710 --> 00:07:26,611
without extraterrestrial
assistance.
141
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,146
Is that clear?
142
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,247
Fine.
143
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:32,884
I'll make like
Imelda Marcos and shoe.
144
00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:41,359
Willie, did you pack
that overnight bag?
145
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:42,360
No.
146
00:07:45,532 --> 00:07:47,032
No.
147
00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:50,402
No.
148
00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:02,948
You use that to christen
the baby.
149
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:09,187
[instrumental music]
150
00:08:11,692 --> 00:08:13,825
[laughter on TV]
151
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:17,295
Are you all finished with your
own personal little doings?
152
00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:20,098
No. I ain't had an answer
on my turnovers yet.
153
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:22,100
I'll take one. Now will you go?
154
00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:23,869
- 'My pleasure.'
- 'No, mine!'
155
00:08:23,871 --> 00:08:25,504
Yeah, he's here.
Hey, Rob, it's your wife.
156
00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:27,038
- I think this is it!
- Oh, hand me the phone!
157
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,107
Watch out!
158
00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:30,909
The Danish
with the health clause.
159
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:32,344
I'm sorry, I'll pay for it all.
160
00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:33,712
- You're gonna pay for it?
- I'll pay for it.
161
00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:36,515
- Walk on them. Look--
- I got it. Ow! Ooh!
162
00:08:36,517 --> 00:08:38,016
[indistinct chattering]
163
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:40,352
Look! This is my favorite part.
164
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,490
- Pay for it?
- I'll pay--
165
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,167
You know, ALF
166
00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:58,169
if you really
wanted to help mom out
167
00:08:58,171 --> 00:09:00,639
you could pitch in
with some of the housework.
168
00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:03,275
No, can't do, Lynn-cognito.
169
00:09:03,277 --> 00:09:06,344
Since no one else is taking
our baby boom seriously
170
00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:10,348
I must commit this video
verisimilitude to memory.
171
00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:14,319
ALF, having a baby
is a perfectly natural thing.
172
00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:16,555
Mom's gonna get
through it just fine.
173
00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:19,090
That's what they said
about The Hindenburg.
174
00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:21,326
You know, that other blimp.
175
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:27,599
How are you? Oh, my gosh.
176
00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:30,101
Honey, keep calm, keep calm,
honey, just don't panic.
177
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:31,636
Th-there's nothing
to get excited about.
178
00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:34,139
Honey, I'm coming home.
I'll be home.. No, wait.
179
00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:35,574
You'll wait for me?
No. You better not..
180
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:37,242
Wait for me, if you can,
if you can't wait for me
181
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,377
don't wait for me.
I wanna be with you.
182
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:41,880
Okay. I love you.
This is it, James.
183
00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:44,215
- Hey, Rob!
- Uh?
184
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,951
- Didn't you forget something?
- 'Oh, ah..'
185
00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:48,320
[telephone rings]
186
00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:53,925
(ALF)
'Yeah, what?'
187
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,894
Oh, hi, ALF.
It's Kate.
188
00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:57,062
Oh, my gosh.
189
00:09:57,064 --> 00:09:58,563
Uh, honey, keep calm.
190
00:09:58,565 --> 00:09:59,698
Keep calm, honey.
191
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:00,966
Uh, call Willie.
192
00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:02,000
No. I'll call Willie.
193
00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:03,568
Where is he? Never mind.
194
00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:05,136
Willie!
195
00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:07,339
ALF, ALF, what's going on?
196
00:10:07,341 --> 00:10:09,074
How far apart
are the contractions?
197
00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:10,575
Did you boil the water yet?
198
00:10:10,577 --> 00:10:14,145
How do you expect me to help you
if you won't calm down?
199
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:16,281
ALF, will you just listen
to me for one minute?
200
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:18,283
Okay. Okay.
Everything is under control.
201
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:20,685
Aah!
202
00:10:20,687 --> 00:10:22,954
- There, I'm fine now.
- What's going on?
203
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,289
Uh, I'm seeing your mother
204
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:25,857
through the miracle
of childbirth.
205
00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:27,025
Oh, I hope I don't throw up.
206
00:10:27,027 --> 00:10:28,593
Give me that.
207
00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:30,395
Mom, is everything okay?
208
00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:33,531
Uh-huh.
209
00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:35,033
Mm-hmm.
210
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:37,302
I'll take care of it. Bye.
211
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,938
It's time!
Call an ambulance.
212
00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:41,873
It's time to take the pot roast
213
00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:43,875
out of the freezer for dinner.
214
00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:46,344
I mean, really, ALF..
215
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,382
I've had Kate's pot roast.
216
00:10:50,384 --> 00:10:52,684
We'll need an ambulance anyway.
217
00:10:52,686 --> 00:10:55,286
[instrumental music]
218
00:11:10,771 --> 00:11:12,237
[clicks]
219
00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:14,072
Honey, it's time.
220
00:11:15,742 --> 00:11:17,776
Honey, it's time.
221
00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:20,879
Honey, it's time!
222
00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:22,647
What? Whoops!
223
00:11:22,649 --> 00:11:24,482
What?
224
00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:26,851
Nineteen seconds there,
Wilmington.
225
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:29,254
The baby will be able
to drive Kate to the hospital
226
00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:32,457
by the time you wake up.
227
00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:35,260
ALF, what are you doing here?
228
00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:36,761
Labor drill.
229
00:11:36,763 --> 00:11:38,797
And it's a darn good thing.
230
00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:42,634
No, it's not, it's not,
it's a darn bad thing.
231
00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:45,670
ALF, you've got
to stop all this.
232
00:11:45,672 --> 00:11:48,973
The baby will get here when
he or she is good and ready.
233
00:11:48,975 --> 00:11:50,608
If you really, really
wanna help me
234
00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:53,244
just, please, relax.
235
00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:54,846
Relax, she says.
236
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:58,616
Anyone would think she was
the one having this baby.
237
00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:01,586
- I am the one having this baby!
- Shh! Shh! Shh!
238
00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:05,156
Gee! Calm down,
Kate-A-Clysm.
239
00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:06,958
All this animosity
can't be good
240
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,193
for the Tannerlet.
241
00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:09,794
Well, neither is being woken up
242
00:12:09,796 --> 00:12:12,130
in the middle of the night.
243
00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:13,465
Alright. Alright.
244
00:12:13,467 --> 00:12:15,366
I'll just sit right over there
245
00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:17,869
and not make a peek.
246
00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:19,370
Oh, Willie.
247
00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:21,606
Willie, make him stop.
248
00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:23,942
Willie, make him go.
249
00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:24,976
[mumbling]
250
00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:26,010
Stop? Go?
251
00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:28,780
Make up your mind.
252
00:12:28,782 --> 00:12:30,215
Ohh!
253
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:32,684
Willie, I'm a tired
254
00:12:32,686 --> 00:12:34,953
pregnant woman, Willie.
255
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:37,188
I know. I know, dear.
256
00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:39,357
You left out fat and cranky.
257
00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:46,231
Help me out of this bed,
Willie.
258
00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:49,000
Well, I know
when I'm not wanted.
259
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:50,268
[Kate sighs]
260
00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:54,005
Oh, ho-ho,
you are wanted alright.
261
00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:56,274
You just stay right,
right there!
262
00:12:57,344 --> 00:12:58,777
Keep this up, Kate
263
00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:01,646
and you'll get
no baby gift from me.
264
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:09,587
Dad?
265
00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:12,090
What did you do
to these pancakes?
266
00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:14,359
Well, I-I added muesli
267
00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:16,294
and, uh, chop nuts
268
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,196
and some raisins.
269
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,565
Why?
270
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:24,702
To make them good for you.
271
00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:27,338
I thought they
tasted good for me.
272
00:13:29,609 --> 00:13:31,442
Has anyone seen
ALF this morning?
273
00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:35,547
Oh, yes. We saw him
at 3:02, 5:17, and 6:28.
274
00:13:35,549 --> 00:13:37,715
- Night rounds again?
- Mm-hmm.
275
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:40,752
He wanted to make sure I wasn't
having the baby in my sleep.
276
00:13:40,754 --> 00:13:43,488
I think it's sweet that ALF's
so worried about you.
277
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:47,358
Fine. I'll have him
be sweet to you for a while.
278
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,827
[yawning]
279
00:13:48,829 --> 00:13:50,328
[burping]
280
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:53,498
Oh.
Morning, Tanners.
281
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:54,732
Oh!
282
00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:57,869
Would someone mind pouring
four or five gallons
283
00:13:57,871 --> 00:13:59,737
of coffee on my head?
284
00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:02,440
You look awful, ALF.
285
00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:04,542
Yeah? Well, you're short.
286
00:14:06,546 --> 00:14:08,746
Did you get any sleep
at all last night?
287
00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:11,115
Who could sleep
at a time like this?
288
00:14:11,117 --> 00:14:12,617
- I can.
- Same here.
289
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:15,486
- Me, too.
- So can I.
290
00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:17,288
Why do I feel like
I'm having this baby
291
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,891
all by myself?
292
00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:21,759
ALF, as much as we dislike
293
00:14:21,761 --> 00:14:23,127
being wakened
in the middle of the night
294
00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:25,296
we really do appreciate
your concern.
295
00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:26,664
Isn't that right, Kate?
296
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:28,733
No.
297
00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:31,502
Well, anyway..
298
00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:34,339
As I've told you
on numerous occasions
299
00:14:34,341 --> 00:14:36,674
we're perfectly capable
of handling this birth
300
00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:38,209
without your turning
the event
301
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:42,213
into one of your
overreaction festivals.
302
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,582
I, I realize that
was a very long sentence
303
00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:47,185
but I-I hope
I've made myself clear.
304
00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:48,653
[snoring]
305
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,523
ALF.
306
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:53,558
ALF?
307
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,527
Oh, oh, it's time!
It's time, it's time!
308
00:14:57,297 --> 00:14:59,030
Oh.
309
00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:01,532
[instrumental music]
310
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,169
Intercepts, he turns
311
00:15:05,171 --> 00:15:07,405
he aims, he shoots.
312
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,607
Yes. He scores.
313
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:13,845
A new record
for Kareem Alfdul Jabbar.
314
00:15:13,847 --> 00:15:16,247
And the crowd goes wild.
315
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:18,049
[cheering]
316
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,654
What are you doing?
317
00:15:22,656 --> 00:15:24,555
Inventing didey ball.
318
00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:28,159
Hey, wanna play a little
one on one and a half?
319
00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:31,629
Not at 3 o'clock
in the morning.
320
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:33,331
What are you doing up
at this hour?
321
00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:34,999
[Kate sighs]
322
00:15:35,001 --> 00:15:36,668
This is it. This is it!
323
00:15:36,670 --> 00:15:38,236
- This is--
- Not it.
324
00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:41,239
Your color commentary
woke me up.
325
00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:44,008
Hey, I have to do something
to keep myself awake.
326
00:15:44,010 --> 00:15:46,277
Otherwise, I'd fall asleep.
327
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:47,779
Sleep.
328
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,282
Doesn't that sound good, ALF?
329
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,550
Huh, doesn't it sound good?
330
00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,986
To-to put your,
put your head down
331
00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:56,888
let your eyes get heavy?
332
00:15:56,890 --> 00:15:58,356
Yes, ALF.
333
00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:02,427
Just, just drift off
to dreamland.
334
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,798
Oh. Don't test me, Kate.
335
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:10,068
I promised to help bring the
newest Tanner into the world
336
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:11,469
and a Melmackian
337
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:15,006
almost never goes back
on his word sometimes.
338
00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:16,107
ALF, I promise.
339
00:16:16,109 --> 00:16:17,342
We can handle this.
340
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:19,010
Go to sleep.
341
00:16:19,012 --> 00:16:20,979
Hey, I understand
342
00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:23,948
that your moods are swinging
like Benny Goodman.
343
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,249
But never fear.
344
00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:27,051
I'm here for you.
345
00:16:29,055 --> 00:16:31,522
I give up.
346
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:33,925
I give up, but if you
insist on staying up
347
00:16:33,927 --> 00:16:36,094
at least be quiet.
348
00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:37,562
No problem.
349
00:16:37,564 --> 00:16:40,498
I think I'll invent
diaper tennis.
350
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,000
Where do we keep our big net?
351
00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:43,134
No big net.
352
00:16:43,136 --> 00:16:44,535
Little net?
353
00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:48,039
Lose the net.
354
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,477
Well, who needs a net?
355
00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:54,712
I'm a hoop man, myself.
356
00:16:56,950 --> 00:17:00,385
Yes! Oh, endorse your new line
of athletic shoes?
357
00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:02,420
Ha, I'd be a heel not to.
358
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:03,721
Ha! Write that down.
359
00:17:03,723 --> 00:17:06,324
We could use it
in the tele-blurb.
360
00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:09,093
Ha, no autographs.
361
00:17:09,095 --> 00:17:10,194
Positively.
362
00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:11,596
[yawning]
363
00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:14,132
Well, no autographs.
364
00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:16,734
[instrumental music]
365
00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:24,575
- 'You alright?'
- 'Oh, I'm-I'm fine, honey.'
366
00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:27,445
Well, I'm gonna
bring the car out front.
367
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:29,147
- Don't-don't be too long.
- 'Huh.'
368
00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:32,083
(Kate)
'I'm moving as fast as I can
in this condition.'
369
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:34,719
ALF, it's time,
it's time.
370
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:36,587
Dad's taking mom
to the hospital.
371
00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:38,089
[snoring]
372
00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:39,190
'ALF?'
373
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:43,094
Alf, wake up.
It's really time.
374
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:47,031
Poor little guy.
375
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:50,802
Here you go.
376
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,841
[instrumental music]
377
00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:14,759
[yawning]
378
00:18:16,463 --> 00:18:18,629
Must've dozed off.
379
00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:20,131
[baby cooing]
380
00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:27,672
Holy stork invasion, Batman.
381
00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:30,475
How'd that get in here?
382
00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:31,909
Willie!
383
00:18:33,046 --> 00:18:34,378
Oh, you're awake.
384
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:36,614
You're finally awake.
385
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,850
- Are you alright?
- I'm fine.
386
00:18:38,852 --> 00:18:40,084
But that thing in the crib
387
00:18:40,086 --> 00:18:43,621
looks an awful
lot like a B-A-B-Y.
388
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,389
I know.
389
00:18:45,391 --> 00:18:48,259
ALF, I'd like you
to meet my son
390
00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:50,895
'Eric William Tanner.'
391
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:54,765
We just brought him
home this morning.
392
00:18:56,069 --> 00:18:58,136
- Did I miss something here?
- You sure did.
393
00:18:58,138 --> 00:18:59,837
Lynn tried and tried
to wake you up
394
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:01,105
when we left
for the hospital
395
00:19:01,107 --> 00:19:03,307
but you, you were out
like a light.
396
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:06,811
You know, you've been asleep
for almost two days?
397
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,247
You mean, I slept
through the whole thing?
398
00:19:09,249 --> 00:19:11,883
I'm afraid so.
399
00:19:11,885 --> 00:19:14,318
Well, Kate couldn't have waited
until I woke up?
400
00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:17,288
It seemed impractical.
401
00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:20,591
I can't believe it.
402
00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:25,329
Guess you guys really
didn't need me, after all.
403
00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:26,898
I'm such a mokes.
404
00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:30,201
It's not that you
weren't needed, ALF.
405
00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:32,436
It's just that
when a woman starts
406
00:19:32,438 --> 00:19:34,972
to actually have a baby
407
00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:36,374
you're not..
408
00:19:36,376 --> 00:19:38,309
...needed.
409
00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:40,111
You understand?
410
00:19:40,113 --> 00:19:42,313
Yeah. I guess so.
411
00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:47,051
What are you
thinking about, Willie?
412
00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:48,686
Oh.
413
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:49,987
I was just remembering
the first day
414
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:53,324
we brought Lynn home
from the hospital.
415
00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:54,859
And then Brian..
416
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,895
...and now this little guy.
417
00:19:58,831 --> 00:20:00,398
I've never seen you this happy.
418
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,632
Ah.
419
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:03,000
I've never seen
anybody this happy.
420
00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:05,970
Well, of course
I'm happy, ALF.
421
00:20:05,972 --> 00:20:09,073
We've helped to create
a brand-new life here.
422
00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:10,875
I think maybe
that's the most important thing
423
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:13,010
a person ever gets to do.
424
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,614
Guess I'll never know, will I?
425
00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:18,816
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF.
426
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:19,850
In all the excitement
427
00:20:19,852 --> 00:20:21,752
I-I didn't think about that.
428
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:25,790
On Melmac..
429
00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:28,726
...I never thought much
about having kids.
430
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:31,429
You know how it is
when you're in your 220s.
431
00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:33,898
You think you have
all the time in the world.
432
00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:36,701
I can imagine.
433
00:20:37,470 --> 00:20:39,437
But now..
434
00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:41,339
...when I realize that
it's never gonna be possible
435
00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:42,506
for me to be a father--
436
00:20:42,508 --> 00:20:44,809
Don't say that.
437
00:20:44,811 --> 00:20:46,711
LA's a lonely town
438
00:20:46,713 --> 00:20:49,080
when you're the only
orange boy around.
439
00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:52,516
You can't give up hope, ALF.
440
00:20:52,518 --> 00:20:56,220
If it's that important to you,
you can never give up hope.
441
00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:58,422
In the meantime,
we're gonna need your help
442
00:20:58,424 --> 00:21:00,291
bringing up Eric.
443
00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:01,759
You are?
444
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:03,160
Well, sure, who else
is gonna teach him
445
00:21:03,162 --> 00:21:06,163
about boo-yah baseball,
and pasta polo
446
00:21:06,165 --> 00:21:08,899
and other sports
involving the hurling
447
00:21:08,901 --> 00:21:11,369
of inappropriate objects?
448
00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:13,704
Like gerbil hockey?
449
00:21:13,706 --> 00:21:15,973
No.
450
00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:18,009
Hi, ALF.
You finally woke up, huh?
451
00:21:18,011 --> 00:21:21,479
Yeah. Hey,
guess you got a brother now?
452
00:21:21,481 --> 00:21:23,781
Yeah. Mom says
it's time to feed him.
453
00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:26,083
Okay. Tell her
we'll be in a minute, B.
454
00:21:32,158 --> 00:21:34,592
Looks like you.
455
00:21:34,594 --> 00:21:36,327
Thanks.
456
00:21:36,329 --> 00:21:40,031
On the other hand,
all white babies look like you.
457
00:21:43,469 --> 00:21:45,403
Say hi to ALF, Eric.
458
00:21:47,173 --> 00:21:48,973
Hey, Eric.
459
00:21:48,975 --> 00:21:50,975
How you doing, Eric?
460
00:21:52,145 --> 00:21:54,612
He smiled at me.
461
00:21:54,614 --> 00:21:56,814
I'm sure he did.
462
00:22:02,689 --> 00:22:03,921
[instrumental music]
463
00:22:05,758 --> 00:22:08,726
So anyway, the Tanners
decided I could stay.
464
00:22:08,728 --> 00:22:11,128
And here I am.
465
00:22:11,130 --> 00:22:13,998
It's not a bad place
to live, actually.
466
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,200
Kate takes a little
getting used to.
467
00:22:16,202 --> 00:22:19,837
But you probably
already figured that part out.
468
00:22:19,839 --> 00:22:21,706
Well, Willie said he needed me
469
00:22:21,708 --> 00:22:23,808
to help teach you about stuff.
470
00:22:23,810 --> 00:22:26,344
So I thought I'd start
with the most important thing.
471
00:22:28,681 --> 00:22:32,783
These are the channel
control buttons.
472
00:22:32,785 --> 00:22:36,754
And this one here,
is the volume control.
473
00:22:36,756 --> 00:22:38,923
And this one..
474
00:22:38,925 --> 00:22:40,758
...that's the entire world
475
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,960
right at your fingertips.
476
00:22:44,497 --> 00:22:45,796
Whoa.
477
00:22:45,798 --> 00:22:48,032
This is the life,
huh, Ricochet?
478
00:22:49,335 --> 00:22:51,369
Well, wait a minute
how would you know?
479
00:22:51,371 --> 00:22:53,270
You're brand-new.
480
00:22:53,272 --> 00:22:54,638
Well, trust me.
481
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:56,340
This is the life.
482
00:22:57,643 --> 00:23:00,845
Oh, now let me tell you
a little bit about Mel Coley.
483
00:23:00,847 --> 00:23:03,381
He's the tall guy
with the glasses.
484
00:23:03,383 --> 00:23:05,216
He's a lot like Willie.
485
00:23:05,218 --> 00:23:07,418
Although they don't
have the same prescription
486
00:23:07,420 --> 00:23:09,420
I don't think.
487
00:23:09,422 --> 00:23:11,222
There, there, look, look.
488
00:23:12,358 --> 00:23:14,291
[theme music]
489
00:23:40,319 --> 00:23:42,520
[ALF laughing]
37097
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