Original subtitles

The great orange hunter

stalks his prey.

Ah! He sees it. The elusive loin of pork.

The most prized catch in the Fridgidari Jungle.

What's this?

"ALF, don't eat this."

Why would I eat this?

Ever so deftly..

...the great orange hunter maneuvers his weapon.

Once in position

he strikes!

[rumbling]

What? Whoa! Has the hunter angered the Gods?

[rumbling continues]

Whoa! Uh!

Okay, I won't eat pork!

[theme music]

[music continues]

(Willie) 'Is everybody alright? Lynn? Brian?'

(Lynn) 'I'm fine, dad.'

(Brian) 'Me too, but I can't find ALF!'

(Willie) 'ALF? ALF?'

- Oh! - Are you in here?

He's not in the attic.

- Look at this mess. - ALF!

ALF!

This was his first quake.

Poor little fella, he must be terrified.

I found him!

- ALF, are you okay? - He doesn't look good.

It looks like he's in shock. ALF, say something. Anything.

Armageddon! Annihilation!

White hot tentacles of doom spit fire!

Venom! Screeching! Help me! Help me!

- ALF. - Help me! Help me!

- Ruination! Devastation.. - ALF!

Apocalypse now! Now, now..

Thanks, Willie.

Now I'm blind.

Your eyes are closed.

Oh.

Here, let me help you.

Oh, this may stagger your imagination a whit

but I had nothing to do with this mess.

We know, ALF, we know.

- You do? - We had an earthquake.

- I see. - And it was a good one.

What was good about it? Why do we have it?

What was it?

Well, let me see if I can explain it, ALF.

You see, the crust of our planet

is made of plates of layered rock

that are in continual movement.

Now, when the pressure beneath becomes

too great, it's released through--

Thank you, Mr. Wizard.

Kate, the short strokes, please.

Do you remember when Godzilla destroyed Tokyo?

Well, that's a rather extreme example, Kate.

Raymond Burr analogies are rarely pretty.

Look, we-we just had an earthquake

and we are all fine.

We just have to remember to be prepared

and follow some basic safety rules.

Willie, get the ledger! Kate has more rules!

(Raquel) 'Kate? Willie? Is anybody home?'

(Kate) ALF, get in the kitchen.

Uh, that is, stay in the kitchen.

- Oh, hi, Raquel. - Willie, Kate.

- We had an earthquake! - Uh, so did we.

- How's Lynn? - Oh, Lynn's fine.

- Does she need comforting? - Oh, no, she's fine.

- 'Cause if she does, I could-- - She's fine!

- Glad to hear it. - So where's Trevor?

On the porch.

Trevor, come on in.

Is this structural?

Yes, I believe so.

Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to stand here.

Trevor, I-I've never seen you like this.

Oh-oh-oh, Trevor, it's-it's gonna be alright.

It-it-it's gonna be alright.

Trevor, this is making me very uncomfortable.

I'm sorry. I'm just traumatized.

He always acts like this after an earthquake.

Or whenever Whoopi Goldberg's on "Star Trek."

You know, Trevor, uh

statistically you have more chance of being injured

in your own bathtub than you have in an earthquake.

Oh, yeah?

When's the last time your bathtub opened up

and swallowed you streaming into the fiery bowels of the earth?

He's got me there.

Well, we'll be on our way.

We just wanted to make sure that you were okay.

And say hi to Lynn, and everybody for me.

- Trevor, you'll be fine. - You think so?

Of course.

With the proper professional assistance.

We live on a planet with fiery bowels?

Trevor was just overreacting.

You know, I'd hate to see him in a big earthquake.

But we just had a big earthquake.

- Didn't we? - They can be bigger.

How much bigger?

A little bigger.

Can they be a lot bigger?

Well, yes, sometimes. Not often, though.

Just-just relax, ALF.

Right...relax.

Is this thing structural?

[instrumental music]

You know, in a way, that jolt we had last night

was probably a very good thing.

If you enjoyed it that much, why not just strap

a lightning rod on your head and wander around in the rain?

No, I think what Willie means is that

it's reminded us to come out and check our supplies.

It says here that we should have

a half gallon of water a day for each of us.

So for two weeks, that makes 35 gallons.

Well, hey, yeah.

Uh..

Hey! Ahem. 35 gallons of water.

Wait, I have questions.

Why do we need so much bottled water?

Well, that's in case our water supply

becomes contaminated.

What about food?

We have a two-week supply of food.

We have peanut butter, we have granola bars

evaporated milk, canned meat, fish.

We had a two-week supply of peanut butter

granola bars, evaporated milk, canned meat and fish.

It was nowhere near a two-week supply.

I ate it in 37 minutes.

ALF, those were our survival rations.

And I survived.

Now, you know they work.

Restock foodstuffs.

Padlock foodstuffs.

[instrumental music]

I, uh, saw the truck outside.

I guess the extra water we ordered came.

Oh, yes, water came.

Last load.

Four hundred and seventy-six dollars.

I'm afraid, uh, we didn't order this much water.

You got a Gordon Shumway at this address?

Just once, I was hoping that just once

it might be a legitimate mistake.

Uh, say, I don't suppose there's a chance

you could take a couple dozen of these back?

That's pickup. I'm delivery.

Well, goodbye, or as we like to say au reservoir.

What'll it be? Cup of soup?

Cocoa with teeny marshmallows?

Or maybe just the straight stuff straight up.

I know that look.

I find it unsettling.

[instrumental music]

[hammering]

ALF?

Oh, hi, Willie.

What are you doing?

Hammering.

Could you be a little more specific?

Hammering nails.

Why are you nailing your bed to the floor?

Well, it wouldn't make much sense to Scotch tape it

now, would it?

ALF, nailing your bed down

isn't gonna help you during an earthquake.

It'll keep me from sliding down the stairs.

Then I'm running a bumper around the bed

for shock absorption.

And underneath, in case of a tidal wave...pontoons.

I'm telling you, Willie, this bed is gonna be

the safest place in the house.

ALF, I really don't--

I know what you're gonna say

and I could put you in one of these babies

for 99.95, yes?

That's 99.95.

[screaming]

It's okay, ALF. It's an aftershock.

- Come into the doorway! - I'll be safer in here!

Oh-h-h.

Two seconds later, and I would have had

the weight of the world where my head used to be.

No, ALF, that-that-that's only a globe.

That wouldn't have hurt you.

Don't you see, Willie?

It's a sign.

No matter what you do

no matter how many precautions you take

sooner or later this planet is gonna get ya.

Oh, take it easy, ALF.

You'll be fine.

Yeah, but for how long?

Face it, Willie.

Earth is hazardous to your health.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

I know this is hard for you to understand, Bri.

It's hard for me to understand too.

Sometimes it's Bert Convy, sometimes it's Vicki Lawrence

sometimes it's Sally Struthers.

But no matter who hosts

it's always "Win, Lose Or Draw."

That's a load off my mind.

[knock on door]

(Jake) 'It's me. Jake!'

It's open.

- Hey, guys! - Morning, Jake!

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi, Jake, so how did your Uncle Trevor

handle that aftershock last night?

Not too well. He started sleepin' in the doorway.

Well, that's just silly.

I know, but at least he wakes up with the morning paper handy.

Willie..

...just let me look at ya.

Kate!

Funny, special Kate.

Lynn, why..

Why, you're a woman now.

Brian...is this the little boy I carried?

And, Jake..

What is a friend?

A friend...is Jake.

Let's all just...be.

You wanna stay for breakfast, Jake?

Okay. Here.

Ah, the complex parade

that is life.

ALF, is this something we should be asking you about?

It's simple, oh, my Willie.

Last night's narrowly averted tragedy

gave me pause.

I thought you already had paws.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Witty, urbane Lynn.

[laughs]

What I meant was

it gave me pause to think.

I've been trying to escape my fate

but there is no escape!

If an earthquake doesn't get me

a monsoon might.

Or an avalanche.

Or a firestorm.

Or...food poisoning.

What is your point?

My point is

any breath I draw could be my last.

So I'm going to savor every moment I have left.

There goes one now.

What's wrong with ALF?

Nothing's wrong with me.

I've simply adopted a new philosophy.

Eat, drink, and be merry.

- For tomorrow we croak. - Tomorrow?

It's just an expression, Brian, albeit a mangled one.

Are you sure you're alright, ALF?

I'm fine. In fact, I'm perfect.

Come on, everyone, let's all join hands

for a chorus of "Kumbaya."

[instrumental music]

[birds chirping]

Okay..

[speaking French]

[clicks tongue] I should have stuck with Latin.

[inhales deeply]

[sighs] Lynnocence

my lovely flower of spring

seeing you brings a lump to my throat.

Not unlike a goiter.

ALF, that's gross.

Alright, a bunion.

I really don't have time for this.

I've got to learn this French

plus I've got a history final tomorrow.

History is history!

What's important is today, now, this moment.

Savor, Lynn.

Look, ALF, if I don't study today

I'll be savoring failure about 9:45 tomorrow morning.

How many temblors will it take for you to see the light?

We've only had two.

Well...perhaps I'm more introspective than you.

Well, when I think of all the moments on Melmac

that are lost forever

because I didn't take the time to savor them.

Like the time, Benny Fudderman and I..

See, I forgot.

Oh!

If only I had savored.

Lynn...take a tip.

Be...here...now.

You take a tip. Be...gone...now.

I take my leave.

If you need me, I'll be out with God watching Brian grow.

- Right. - Oh, and Lynn..

I love you.

[chuckles]

[instrumental music]

What if I talk dad into moving someplace where it's safe?

- Like where? - I don't know.

Kansas?

You could be blown away by a tornado.

How about Hawaii?

The volcanoes will get ya.

- Canada? - Blizzards!

- Florida? - Old age!

So live, Brian, live!

Because...sooner or later..

ALF!

- Hey, ALF, Brian. - Hey, Jake.

Jake...less than a brother

more than a friend, have you been sav--

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been savorin' life left and right.

That's good. Because life is like death row.

And every day you live is a stay of execution

until the one day when the big governor in the sky

doesn't make that phone call.

I think I'll go inside for a while.

Okay, B. Hey, savor your parents for me.

Oh, and Brian!

- What? - I love you.

Don't you think you might be scarin' the kid?

Scarin' him? I'm teaching him how to enjoy life.

- Have it your way. - Oh, Jake..

In case this is the last time we see each other--

Will you cut out all this last-time stuff?

I'm just goin' home! What's gonna happen to me there?

Well, you could slip in the tub, choke on your dinner

fall down the stairs, trip over the dog

accidentally flush yourself--

I'll come back when you're in a better mood.

Oh, hey, Jake! I love you!

And I mean that.

Truly.

[instrumental music]

- Brian? - 'Hi, dad.'

- Brian? - 'I'm under here.'

Well, pfft, we've been looking all over for you.

What are you doing under the bed?

- 'This is where I live now.' - What?

(Brian) 'This way, if anything happens I'll be safe.'

- Safe from what? - 'Well, everything.'

(Willie) It's no good keeping things like this inside.

If something's bothering you

it's important to-to tell somebody about it.

I agree, honey.

Hi, Kate.

But why are you talking to Brian's bed?

(Brian) 'Hi, mom.'

Bri?

Bri, what are you doing under there?

It's the only place he feels safe.

Brian..

Why-why are you so frightened?

(Brian) 'Because tomorrow we croak.'

Why does that sound familiar?

Listen, Brian, uh..

none of us is going to croak

for a long, long time.

(Brian) 'You can't be sure.'

No, but...I can be almost sure.

And I'll tell you something I am sure of.

If you spend you're whole life

worrying about all the bad things that could happen

you're gonna miss all the good things

that will happen.

Oh, there you guys are!

I want to savor you.

Oh, good, good. You can start with Brian.

- He's under the bed. - What's he doing under there?

Have you ever heard of catastrophic expectations?

Of course.

It's a Melmacian dating service.

No, ALF, catastrophic expectations

means you live your life fearing the worst.

So?

So that's exactly what you've been doing!

Hey, if you've got a good thing going

I say stick with it.

We don't care if you stick with it

but you're scaring Brian.

Oh, he's savoring dust bunnies.

Come on out, B.

(Brian) 'I'm not coming out. I'm never coming out!'

Whoa-ho-ho. Extreme!

There's nothing wrong with living cautiously.

But if you spend each day focusing on mortality

each day a little piece of you

is going to experience that mortality.

Do you understand me, ALF?

No.

(Brian) 'I do. You mean don't be scared of stuff until it happens.'

Gee, Willie, why didn't you say that?

I thought I did.

All I wanna know is

does this leave room for savoring?

Of course it does, ALF.

Just savor life out of joy

not out of fear.

So what you're saying is

we should eat, drink, and be merry

for tomorrow we eat, drink, and be merry again.

Let's try, eat, drink

and clean up anything you spill.

Why don't you come out from under the bed, Bri?

- Feeling better? - A little.

Hey, sorry if I scared you, B.

No problem.

- Uh, you wouldn't want to-- - The helmet stays.

[instrumental music]

Uh, I thought you were delivery, not pickup.

I got a promotion. Just my luck, huh?

Well, uh, I guess this covers the delivery and the, uh

thirty-five gallons we are keeping a-a-and the pickup.

Can you throw a little somethin' in here for my chiropractor?

No.

Yeah.

Well, thanks for everything.

Hey, is all my water gone?

Yes, thankfully.

Well, that's too bad. I had a great idea.

- Wanna hear about it? - Not especially.

But it's hot. It's now, it's quintessential late '80s.

Would you speak no more about this?

Fine.

But without the water slide

I don't think Tannerland is gonna catch on.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]