Original subtitles

[cutlery clanking]

Once again, Kate, excellent meat loaf.

Once again, Kate, meat loaf.

Uh, for your information, that was Salisbury steak.

Great. Meat loaf with an attitude.

(Jake) 'Knock, knock!'

Door's open, Jake.

- Oh, hi, guys. - Hey, Jake!

You're just in time for brandy and cigars.

No brandy, no cigars.

Philistine.

But I can't stay anyway.

Aunt Raquel wants to know if you got any fresh fennel.

Uncle Trevor hates the dry kind.

I'm afraid we're fresh out of f-fresh fennel.

Well, I tried. Thanks anyway. Bye.

- Hey, where you off to? - Home.

Well, we haven't seen you around here for quite a while.

Yeah, well, uh, someone's been stayin'

in our house for a couple of days.

Willingly?

ALF.

A relative?

Hm, sort of, uh..

- She's my mother. - Mm.

You have a mother?

I'm a mammal, aren't I?

What ALF is trying to say is that

you've never mentioned your mother before.

Yeah, we figured she was dead.

What Brian is trying to say is that

since you live with your aunt and uncle

we thought your mother might perhaps be

well, you know..

Dead!

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Look, there must be some reason

Jake never told me about his mother.

We're best friends, blood brothers

two sides of the same Double Stuf Oreo.

I think in some cultures we'd be considered engaged.

Perhaps with you around, he found it difficult

to get a word in edgewise.

Hardy-har.

For your information, Jake tells me everything.

About how his father's in jail

about how he flunked his last math test

about how Trevor and Raquel like to sometimes dress up

like Norwegian..

Never mind.

[doorbell ringing]

(Raquel) 'Yoo-hoo! It's Raquel!'

Yoo-hoo. Tell her we're not home.

Bye, ALF.

Let her in. I'll pretend I'm a fuzzy lamp.

You can pretend that in the kitchen.

Fine. Which way is the kitchen?

Hey, what do you want from a lamp?

Oh, hi, Raquel.

- Willie, Kate. - Hello, Raquel.

I'd like you to meet my sister-in-law

Elaine Ochmonek. She's Jake's mother.

Elaine, this is Willie Tanner and his wife Kate.

- She's pregnant. - I see that.

- Gee, it's nice to meet you. - Nice to finally meet you.

Please, come in, come in. We are so fond of Jake.

Oh, well, he talks about his-his friends

the Tanners, all the time.

Although, sometimes he does stop rather abruptly

in the middle of a sentence.

Well, don't we all just..

Don't we all just do that now and again?

No.

Uh, I really appreciate everything you've done for Jake.

It's been hard on him, being away

from all his friends in New York.

Oh, he's become like one of the family.

Maybe we can all get together sometime while you're visiting.

What a lovely idea.

Say, here for dinner, tomorrow 7:30?

- Uh, well-- - 'Please..'

Uh-uh-uh, don't go to any trouble.

- Oh, pish. Kate doesn't mind. - You know..

Do you, Kate?

Pish?

Good. Besides, they owe us a dinner.

Not that I'm the kind of a person

who would bring that up.

7:30 tomorrow will be fine.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice meeting you.

Buh-bye. Bye.

Toodles!

[door shuts]

- Fuzzy lamp. - Fuzzy lamp.

[instrumental music]

[sighs] Here's the rest of the zucchini, Trevor.

Oh, thanks, Kate.

Why did you say Kate was a bad cook?

Don't talk with your mouth full, Trevor.

In fact, don't talk at all.

Everything is just delicious.

Thank you.

Well, I'm full. Shall we go?

Jake, where are your manners? We just sat down.

Don't you want dessert? Mom defrosted Sara Lee.

[scoffs] Swell.

I brought your supper, ALF.

I had to sneak it past the Ochmoneks.

Thank the warden for me.

Come on, at least mom and dad agreed you could stay up here

instead of the garage.

That's only because the dungeon isn't finished yet.

Stop complaining.

How's it going down there?

Fine. Jake's mother seems very nice.

- How's Jake? - He's still acting weird.

Weird? How weird? A little weird? Medium weird?

Big weird? Or Ochmonek weird?

Uncomfortable weird.

I knew it. She's an impostor.

- Who? - Jake's mother.

She's really not his mother.

She's his father!

I feel another theory coming on.

See, Jake's father isn't really in jail.

He's masquerading as his mother

to avoid doing hard time on the rock.

Now, that sounds like it couldn't possibly not be true.

Look, if Jake really has a mother

why is he living with his aunt and uncle?

Tsk. I don't know, but I'm sure there's a logical explanation.

Well, I'm not.

To quote a famous deli owner on Melmac

"Something is awry."

Enjoy your dinner, ALF.

If I find out anything more

about Jake's mother, I'll let you know.

Don't be afraid to ask questions. Probe.

Go through his purse!

Chicken.

I'm sorry. I was detained.

- Everything alright? - Fine.

- No problem in the attic? - None.

You got problems with your attic?

Yes. N-no.. I mean, I was, but now I'm not.

Could you pass the potatoes, please?

I had pigeons in my attic once.

- What a mess! - Trevor, please.

The place looked like it was stuccoed.

- Trevor, we're eating. - I mean--

What? It's not like I'm makin' it up.

So, Elaine, how long will you be staying in California?

- Mm, not long. - 'Well..'

Right, mom?

I'm leavin' on Wednesday.

Oh, what a shame you can't stay longer.

- Well, I-- - She can't. She-she'd love to.

But she can't, she's gotta go back

to New York. She lives there.

- 'Jake.' - What?

I'm sure your mother can speak for herself.

I know, it's just that it's rude

to speak with a mouthful of food.

And my mouth was empty at the time.

- So I thought that maybe-- - Cork it, eh, Jake?

Kate, you got anymore of that chicken in there?

I'll check.

If not, I'll take a burger.

Uh, excuse me, can I use your powder room?

- Oh, certainly. - 'Use the one off the bedroom.'

The other sink is stopped up.

Uh, it's just at the end of the hall.

- On the left. - Oh, thank you.

Uh, l-let me show you where it is.

I'm sure I can find it myself.

Excuse me.

[Jake sighs]

What?

Uh-oh, nature's calling

and the phones are all downstairs.

Okay, ALF, just concentrate.

Mind over bladder. Mind over bladder.

Bladder over mind.

[comical music]

[music continues]

[door shuts]

No wonder Jake didn't wanna talk about his mother.

She's a crook.

[instrumental music]

Great dessert, Kate.

Thank you for a lovely dinner.

Well, you're very welcome.

Let's go.

Wait a second, Jake.

Simple items were simply delicious, Kate.

You shouldn't feel bad about the chicken.

Thank you.

Let's go, come on!

What's your hurry?

- I got homework. - Homework?

Since when have you been an overachiever?

Cool your jets, we're coming, alright?

Well, I guess we should be going.

- Bye, Kate. - Buh-bye.

- Bye. - Bye-Bye.

Hm.

What in the world is wrong with Jake?

I'm glad you've asked that question.

ALF, what are you doing downstairs?

Uh, Willie, you're probably wondering

why I've gathered you all here.

That's it, from now on when we have guests

you will stay in the garage.

A-ha!

But if I was in the garage

I wouldn't have found out what I found out.

What did you find out?

I'll give you a hint.

It's what I did to your hearts the day I came here.

Um, break.

I said hearts, not house.

Oh, stop trying to change the subject, ALF.

You know that you were supposed to stay in the attic.

I'm not trying to change the subject.

Okay, I am. But this is really, really good!

You wanna hear it?

No.

But it'll clear up two mysteries at once.

A, why is Jake acting so weird?

And B, where is Kate's big, red pin?

You mean my garnet brooch?

The one that belonged to my grandmother?

The one that looked like a bunch of lumpy grapes.

It's in my jewelry box.

[imitates buzzer] Wrong!

It used to be in your jewelry box.

Now it's in Jake's mother's pocket.

Oh, ALF! Why would you say something like that?

Because it's true.

I happened to be strolling past your boudoir door

while she was doing the old five-finger fandango

in your jewelry box.

I'll go check.

You're not kidding, are you?

Trust me, the woman's a felon!

You better be right about this, you know, it's very dangerous

to wrongfully accuse people of misdeeds.

Misdeeds? What are you, writing commandments now?

Do you think Jake knows about this?

Sure!

Why else do you think he's been acting like

Norman Bates on Mother's Day?

Is Jake's mom a crook, dad?

Oh, I don't think so, B.

After all, she's only an Ochmonek by marriage.

ALF's right. My brooch is gone.

You doubted my veracity?

That pains me.

Willie, what are we gonna do?

That brooch has been in my family for so long.

Well, the situation has to be handled delicately.

I'll speak to Trevor.

What am I saying?

Hey, hey, let me straighten it out with Jake.

I can handle it.

Well, alright, ALF, you can speak to Jake.

But remember, be tactful.

Explain to him that we don't wanna cause him any problems.

We just want that brooch back.

Don't worry.

I know just how to handle this.

Where do we keep the hot light and the bull horn?

[instrumental music]

[footsteps approaching]

Uh, Brian said you wanted to talk to me?

Oh, yeah, I did. I do.

I did and I do. Both.

So talk.

You start.

I don't have anything to talk about.

Nothing you wanna say to me?

No, you're the one who wanted to talk to me, remember?

Ah, yes, yes.

[sighs]

- Well? - Well..

What I have to talk about is difficult.

I don't know how to broach the subject.

You can trust me.

I know. And I appreciate that, Jake.

I'm glad you could steal some time to talk with me.

My pleasure.

I mean, I don't wanna rob you

of any time with your mother.

What are you trying to say, ALF?

Nothing.

If I had something to say about your mother

I'd say it.

What about my mother?

Well, she seems very nice.

I mean, we haven't met or anything

but she certainly doesn't look like a thief.

She's not a thief.

Okay, she's a sleepwalker who's into accessories.

She's neither of those either.

Well, I saw her take a brooch from Kate's jewelry box.

[sighs] I was afraid of that.

So you do know something about this.

Yeah.

[chuckles] See, my mom's a kleptomaniac.

Uh-huh?

A what?

She doesn't mean to take things that don't belong to her.

The doctor says she just can't help herself.

I think the problem is she does help herself.

It-it's a sickness of the mind, kinda.

I thought she was coming out here to tell me she was better.

Well, it's a small brooch.

Maybe she's trying to cut down.

Look, I'll get it back, don't worry.

What are you gonna say to her?

I don't know, I-I-I guess I'll wait till she's asleep

and lift it off her.

Who are you people, the Capones?

You've gotta talk to her about this.

It won't do any good, besides

she's going back to New York tomorrow.

Oh, good, she'll take Manhattan, the Bronx

and Staten Island, too.

Look, ALF, I've had this fight with my mother a million times.

[scoffs] I give up on her.

Well, how could you give up on your own mother?

I mean, it's not like she's the Cubs.

Look, I said I'd get your stupid pin, didn't I?

Now why don't you just leave me alone?

Well, if you're gonna be that way about it

I suggest you leave.

[instrumental music]

[knocking on door]

- Uh, hi, mom. - Hi, honey.

Come on in.

- Uh, nice suitcase. - Thanks.

- Those aren't your initials. - I won it.

You know, um

there's something I'd like to talk to you about.

Hm, me, too. But, uh, you go first.

Well, since school's

almost out for the summer anyway

I thought you'd might wanna come home with me now.

Oh, I thought maybe you wanted to talk about dinner

at the Tanners last night.

What do you mean? I had a very nice time.

About what happened there.

We ate roast chicken.

After that.

- We had coffee. - Before that.

Look, as much as I'm enjoying this trip down memory lane

would you like to tell me what you're getting at?

Look, I know you took a pin

out of Mrs. Tanner's jewelry box last night.

That's impossible!

Impossible you could have taken it

or impossible I could know about it?

I didn't. And even if I did, everybody was at dinner.

- Nobody could have possibly-- - Nothing's changed, has it, ma?

Yeah, something's changed, you got a mouth.

[scoffs] How could you? How could you steal from the Tanners?

They're my friends, ma.

I was gonna give it back.

Actually, it's pretty tacky.

[scoffs] I-I can't believe you!

You come out here hopin' I'll go back with you

and then you pull somethin' like this!

Honey, you know I never planned to do this.

It just happens.

The problem is that it's still happenin'.

[scoffs] Are-are you seein' your shrink?

[sighs] I give up.

If you won't help yourself

there's nothin' I can do.

Yes, there is.

You could come home with me.

We made a deal, remember?

I would come home when you were better.

I am better.

Well, I'm-I'm almost better.

A-and it would be a lot easier if you were there with me.

We tried that before. I'm not what you need right now.

- Jake, you-- - I want things to work out!

But you have to want it, too.

I do.

Then how about goin' next door and givin' this pin back

to Mrs. Tanner?

I can't.

I'm-I'm-I'm sorry, Jake. I'd like to.

I just..

I just can't.

Not yet.

Yo, Jake.

ALF, how long have you been out there?

Long enough.

But for what it's worth, I think you did the right thing.

Yeah. So how come I feel so crummy?

You ate Kate's cooking last night, remember?

Anyway, I'm glad you're not going back to New York.

I, uh, kinda wish I was.

Well, that was really nice what you said to your mom.

You know, there's nothing like the love

between a mother and child.

Except, maybe the love between two florists.

Give this back to Mrs. Tanner, would you?

And, uh, tell her I'm, we're sorry.

So what happens to your mother now?

I guess she'll go back to her doctor.

Well, I hope he's an eye doctor.

This is the ugliest pin I've ever seen!

Looks like a blood clot. Ha. Blood clot!

Ha. Oh, I kill me.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

I still don't get it.

How come Jake's mother takes stuff

but she's not a crook?

Well, Jake's mother suffers from a psychological disorder

that motivates her to steal impulsively

without being prompted by any apparent need or desire.

Thanks for clearing that up, dad.

How's Jake taking all of this?

The poor boy's been through an awful lot.

Well, he's doing much better.

His mom went back to New York early this morning.

Did they resolve anything before she left?

Only that he won't go back to live with her

until she gets help.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, maybe that's exactly the motivation that she needed.

Maybe. Maybe not.

She took Trevor's coin collection with her.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[ALF laughing]

[instrumental music]